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say, why did you do that? i'm watching my favorite tv show death valley hospital. it makes too much noise, pop. do you mind? i sure feel sorry for lilian. i'm not kidding you. wednesday she found out that her best friend ran away with her husband. and thursday she found out her son had been arrested for stealing a car. and then today she found out that her daughter was pregnant, uh, and was living with a rock group. some good news. the doctor gave her 6 months to live. and that's the same married doctor that she'd been having the illicit affair with. hey, pop, if you don't mind being a little more quiet, see, i got this terrible headache. ok, but i don't know why they call these soap operas 'cause they're filthy. look, pop, you know, i got a headache-- a real bad headache.

uh-oh. uh-oh? what do you mean uh-oh? that's what lilian had last week. all right. so i got 6 months to live. well, that ain't too bad. it could be worse. at least you're not pregnant. pop, would you stop talking about this dumb soap opera? as a matter of fact, just stop talking period, all right? well, what did i do? nothing, but i've been trying to tell you, man, i got a headache. i mean, all i'm doing is just sitting here watching this sad tv show yeah, while i'm out there all day working my tail off on the truck. why don't you clean this place up? look at it. it's a mess. papers scattered all over the floor. i bet you last night's dishes are still in the sink, right? right? shh. remember, son, your headache. man, i've had this headache for 2 days. i'm going in the kitchen and take myself a headache pill. pop, do you know there's not a clean glass

what? there's not a clean glass in the whole kitchen. i'll get you one. oh, never mind. i've had this headache for 2 days, man. well, listen, son. uh, maybe i can diagnose your case. what? i watch dr. wynn whitfield on--on death valley hospital all the time, and--and maybe i can help you. you're fooling around, man. i thought you were serious. now just leave me alone and let me get some shuteye, and i'll probably feel better after the pills start working, all right? i'll be quiet as a mouse. all right. since i had this headache, pop, ttle noise is magnified 100 times, so try and cool it, all right? not a sound. beautiful. just start cleaning up a little bit. [creaking] [creaking]

[knocking] oh, hi, fred! lower your voice. [deep voice] hi, fred. come on. come on in the kitchen. hi, lamont! shh! [whispering] he's trying to sleep. he's had his headache for 2 days. uh-oh. uh-oh? what do you mean uh-oh? well, you remember in death valley hospital, when lilian got her headache, and the doctor told her that she only has 6 months to live. oh, that's just something they tell them silly people so they'll tune in the next day. oh, that's-- you're right, fred. yeah. let's wake lamont up. well, why? because if he only got 6 months to live, it seems a shame to waste 'em sleeping. go ahead. you wake him up,

no, no. he might get mad at me, so--so you wake him up. well, he's already mad at me, so you wake him up, and i'll be right here. ok. he looks so cute. [chuckling] i just can't resist. coochy coochy coo! grady, what are you doing? just leave me alone, all right? i got a headache. let me get some rest over here. oh--oh, i'm sorry. i'll go fix you a nice cup of hot tea, lamont. yeah, you do that. yeah, son, and i'll call the doctor. hey, pop, forget it, man. doctors don't make house calls. they will if it's an emergency. a headache is not an emergency. not an emergency? well, what else is it? if you got a headache, you can't go to work. if you can't go to work, you can't make no money. you can't make no money, i can't eat.

you know, maybe if i eat something, i'll feel better. yeah. well, there's one piece of roast beef there in the kitchen. it's leftover from last night. [mumbling gibberish] [groaning] hello. yeah, it's the emergency service? this is fred sanford. sanford. s-a-n-f-o-r-d period. yeah. i gotta get a doctor out here right away to 9114 south central avenue. yeah. uh, who? it's my son. his head is killing him. how old? uh, he's 2. uh, thank you, miss. bye. pop, why did you tell the woman i was 2 years old for? because they move a little faster when it's for a kid. i don't know, fred. today is wednesday, and that doctor might be out there on the golf course somewhere. no. this ain't one of them highfalutin, high-class beverly hills doctors. well, where is he?

mr. sanford. yeah, doc. you sure got here in a hurry. well, luckily, i was in the neighborhood. where's the baby? uh, right--right over here. how long has he had the mustache? uh, since he was one. pretty big for 2 years old, isn't he? yeah. i used to give him that kind of bread that helps you grow 8 ways. uh, what difference it make how old he is anyway? i'm a pediatrician. oh, i'm methodist myself. hey, i'm terribly sorry about the mix up, doctor. well, as long as i'm here, maybe i can help. all right. i hope so. oh. where does it hurt, little fellow? no. i just got a headache. well, let's have a look. uh, maybe you can give him a pill. um, perhaps.

wow. you're lucky you don't have to take 2 of these. i'll get you a bucket of water. take a deep breath. again. once more. that's all right. all right. let's have a look inside. open the garage wide. say ahh. all right, tiger. go upstairs while i talk to daddy. oh, wait a minute. wait a minute now. would you stop all this nonsense? now i'm a grown man, and you don't have to tell nothing to my daddy. you can tell me. and before you close that bag, let me have a few of them lollipops. uh, what do you think, doc?

what is that supposed to mean? well, headaches can be caused by stress situations. um, i'm a great believer in psychosomatic illness. hey, doc, maybe you could help me-- maybe you could help me a little bit. i've been having a little trouble. see, i've been having them baby heart attacks. well, uh, you need a baby heart specialist. here's my bill. 30--hey, doc. oh, doc, wait a minute. you forgot something. [thudding] aah! hi, fred. [louder] hi, fred! what? i said hi, fred. oh. i mean, was that wrong? i mean, i came over, so i said "hi" and "fred,"

what are you talking about? well, i'm talking about a person arriving in another person's yard and--and greeting that person with the word "hi" followed by his first name to wit hi, fred. hi, grady. oh, hi, fred. say, fred, how's lamont? he's not doing too good. he's at the clinic now. oh, wow. that's been going on for 2 weeks. you think he'd be better by now. who's he seeing today? he's seeing a psychiatrist. and for goodness sake, grady, don't say nothing to nobody. aw, fred, now wait a minute. you know i wouldn't say anything. well, that-- that's nothing to be ashamed of. we're all modern people, and we know that just because you see a psychiatrist, that doesn't mean that you're crazy. that's right. yeah. anyway, i'll see you a little later, fred. and when lamont comes home, tell him that i said, "hiya, cuckoo."

i think i see a pattern here. oh, yeah? what is it? you've never felt comfortable lying on that couch, have you? no, no, no, doctor, not really. why? is it my approach? no. it's your cologne. i see something i'd like to go with. oh, you found a cure for my headache? no, not a cure. i found the cause, and that's the first step. you know, find the cause, cure the cause, then the headache will cure itself. oh, great. ok. lay it on me. what is it? well, it's a pathological patriphobia, resulting in a repressed psychogenic malaise. d what does that mean? you hate your father.

you all right? i'm fine, pop. oh, i tell you-- hey, how come you got the couch made up like a bed? well, i thought when you got home, you'd be too sick to go upstairs. of course you did. that's another thing i love about you, pop-- the concern that you feel for me. i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you,

say, w-w-what's happened? you act like you've been hit by a sugar truck. there's nothing wrong with me, pop. look at this. i feel great. you know, i went down to the doctor, and he gave me a new lease on life. i feel fan--look at--look at this. tennis, anyone? huh? well, what else the doctor say? i don't want to talk about it. i've got a headache. [melodramatic music plays] ely, continue, please. i can't say it. i'm--i'm so ashamed. oh, of course you can say it. we're so close to an answer. go on, please. look, tell me. what i say to you-- is it gonna be in the strictest of confidence? it's in the strictest of confidence. this--this room is our kingdom of privacy where we can say and discuss our innermost thoughts and secrets. all right, then. all right.

yes? is i love you. oh, is it? that's nice, lady. now get the hell out of here. mrs. neely, you don't have to go now. you don't have to go. mrs. neely, come back here. mrs.-- do you know what you've just done? i'm sorry, doc, but my son is more important to me than that lady. she was almost at a breakthrough. break through this. now who are you? nford. and they told me downstairs that you're the doctor that talked to my son. oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. yes, i did. well, what did you tell him, doc? exactly what do you mean? i mean my son came home acting-- mm--he was--uh-- well, exactly what did he say? he said, "i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you." oh, mr. sanford. yeah.

uh, then perhaps i could help your son. why don't you lie down on the couch? uh, i--i--i don't think i want to know you that well. uh-- mr. sanford, just--just lie down on the couch. now see, i help people by getting them to relax and say exactly what's on their mind. now go ahead. lie down on the couch. ok. now i know this might seem a little bit strange to you. relax. [clears throat] but, uh, we have a way of getting people to relax by playing a word game. oh, you're gonna play a game? yeah. i love games. did you ever play pin the mule's tail on esther's face? i'll say a word, and you say the first thing that comes into your mind, all right? ok, doc.

are you relaxed? yeah. doc, listen. let me tell you, what is causing all my son's headaches? well, first of all, your son does not want to admit the first thing that's causing the headaches. well, what is it? he hates you. my-- son-- hates-- you. hey, let's go back to that word game again. all right. all right... fist. [speaking inaudibly] mind yourself. cool it. [both speaking inaudibly] he hates me. my own son hates me. after i gave him the best years of my life. i ain't got nobody that cares for me. you still got me, fred. years ago when he was just a baby, and he would cry, and i'd tell his mother-- i'd say, "elizabeth, get up and feed that boy."

and another time, he screamed and screamed, and i al--i almost broke my leg getting elizabeth out the bed to see what was wrong. i've been a good father to him. and where did i go wrong, grady? well, you made a few mistakes, fred. tell me. tell me, grady. no. see, because you're not gonna like anything i say. well, that's ok. just tell me. well, first of all, fred, you see, lamont loves you. cts you, and he's a good son. he works hard. but on the other hand, i mean, you just don't treat him right. i mean, you're always grouching and complaining. you can't cook. you keep the house messy. and you're-- fred, you're rotten. fred, i mean, just deep down, low down rotten to the core.

and you take this from a enemy. see, i told you you wasn't gonna like it. [mumbling] well, hi, grady. oh, hi, lamont. how you doing, pop? hey, my handsome son. how you doing? uh, fine, just fine. listen, i was just telling grady here how much i worry about you. uh, how about a hot cup of coffee? great. i'll get it. no, no, no, no. you don't have to go get nothing. i'll get anything you want. uh, grady, get lamont a cup of coffee. son, sit right down there and relax 'cause you've been working hard all morning. i know you must be exhausted. well, i am kind of tired. yeah. hey, listen, after we have this coffee, i'll fix you a nice, hot bath so the window can steam all up, and you can write some dirty words on there like you did when you was a kid. uh, no thanks, pop. i'll just take a shower later on and go to bed early. well, i hope not too early 'cause i got a great dinner planned, too. yeah. i got prime rib of spare rib

oh. and guess what we're having for dessert. what? cracker jacks. a-a-and you can have the prize this time. that's great. that's real nice, pop. uh, this sounds like a good dinner. you need any help with it? oh, no, no. i want you to see that i get everything that you need done-- i'll have it done myself. i'll do it. uh, grady, get dinner started. uh, yeah. here's your coffee, lamont. thanks a lot, grady. all right. hey, uh, listen. after--after we finish dinner, ere and watch tv while grady does the dishes. yeah. just be me and you sitting here. father and son togetherness. yeah, it sounds great. uh, excuse me, you two, but--but i've got to run down to the supermarket and get something extra special for dinner tonight. and, you know, i just really enjoy being a father to lamont, and, lamont, i hope you don't hate me

! [door shuts] hey, pop? hmm? you went down to that doctor, and he told you everything he told me, didn't he? don't hate me, though, son. please don't-- don't hate me. i mean, you could hate me if it helps you, but don't hate me hate me. uh, you know what i mean? i don't know what i mean. pop, i don't hate you. i love you. well, i want you to hate me if it'll help your headache. and i know you won't hate me when you hate me, but you'll just be hating me to help your headache, and if you just try it, it might be good for you. so hate me. would you just stop it? this is silly. no, it's not silly for you to say you hate me. that's all i want you to do-- just say you hate me. well-- ok. i hate you. and i'll know you don't hate me, but your head will feel better. look, i'm not gonna say i hate you because i don't hate you. i love you. now i don't want to talk about it anymore. now why don't you just clean up this place? say you hate me. i'm not gonna say it. now why don't you just clean up this place? it's a mess.

and i walk in here, and this place is messy. there's newspapers all over the floor, the sink is full of dishes, and you know something else? when i come in here and find that soap opera on, boy, that really makes me mad because i cannot stand-- me. hey, wait a minute. wait a minute. no, that's-- that's not right. i love you, but-- my headache is gone. it's gone. my headache is gone. you hate me. no, no. i don't hate you. don't you understand, pop? things that you do, and i had all of that bottled up inside of me. oh, son, i'm so happy. now i know what happened to lilian. lilian--lilian isn't gonna die. dr. whitfield is gonna save her life. he'll pull her through. listen, you get this house cleaned up 'cause it's time for the show now. oh, i'm not gonna sit up here and watch this show because i want-- shh! attention: are you eligible for medicare?

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[sniffing] boy. something sure smells good. morning, son. excuse me. i gotta get upstairs to the beds. oh, hey, you fixed breakfast, and it smells great, and you've been down here e living room already. that's right, son. that's the way you like it, so i want to make you happy. well, let me get to this bed. no. wait a minute, pop. why don't you stay down here and have breakfast with me? man, you don't have to make up the beds now. i'm not gonna lay down again till tonight. well, you're not, but i am. that's where i'm going-- to get in the bed. see this cleaning and dusting and cooking, it's got my head aching. well--well, why don't you stop? because if i stop, then you'll have a headache. that's right. i finished cleaning and cooking and dusting.

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