[ music ] >> heeere's johnny! [ cheers and applause ] [ music ]

great job. you did a really nice job. thank you. come on, that's enough. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, that's very good. come on, now, look. remember, i just came up for one drink, and then i gotta go home. those lines sound familiar? "no, the dog's up." who cares? [ laughter ] what-- i hope you have color at home, i really do. >> isn't that a beautiful coat though? made by congoleum. [ laughter ] >> anyway, you sound in a good mood. we've got a good show tonight. uh, i mentioned last night on the show, our executive producer, mr. fred de cordova has been followed all over, i guess, the past couple of weeks. "people magazine" is doing, i suppose, a-a big article. >> in depth. >> in depth.

making the weightiest decision of the week. should he drive to work in the caddy or the mercedes? [ laughter ] you know what? you're out here, a lot of you from out of town. one of the things you can see, if you want to go out to the beach now, the whales-- this is true. the whales are migrating. [ laughter ] nothing funny about a whale migrating. they passed on, i guess, they go to the gulf of mexico. and they weigh their 50 feet in length. they weigh about 40 tons? and i guess they go down there to mate. um... [ laughter ] i'm trying to-- do you know how whales mate? well, they only have one position, and... unfortunately this was recently learned by a nuclear submarine. [ laughter ]

they had, uh, a big earthquake in hawaii yesterday, did they not? something like 6.8? you know that's, uh-- they have great entertainment in hawaii, but you don't wanna stay there while the hotel is doing the hula. [ laughter ] surfers finally found the perfect wave. it came out of the bathroom sink. today is the day i believe that they, uh, sponsor the great american smokeout. how many of you are familiar with that? [ cheers and applause ] you get out of here. last year apparently 4.5 million smokers stopped smoking, made it through the entire day. that's interesting. how many of you are, uh-- let's take my own poll here. how many of you are trying to quit smoking? nobody? how many have been able to quit? [ applause ] how many are busy trying to quit breathing in los angeles?

i'll be honest with you, i observed the smoke out. i got up this morning, i put my cigarettes in the drawer, went outside, took a big, deep breath of fresh ocean air, and chewed the railing off the porch. [ laughter ] i have some good news and some bad news. well, the bad news, as you women probably know, the e.r.a. amendment was defeated in congress. the good news is, congress has to stay in session [ laughter ] [ applause ] i was going through the supermarket checkout line today. yeah. [ laughter ] i did. i saw a tabloid. it had my picture, my little, small picture. not my big picture, and inside-- this was interesting. how many of you saw that article?

they followed the lineage, and apparently richard nixon and i are cousins. [ laughter ] true, it's quite-- it's quite down. it's about eighth cousins, and as soon as nixon heard that, i got a call from nixon's lawyer, and dick wants 10,000 a month for shaving cream. [ laughter ] [ applause ] but i-- let me make this perfectly clear. i am not a cousin. [ laughter ] the big picture in the newspaper today was the picture of president reagan. did you see that? they released a picture on the wire service. it showed president reagan putting out acorns for the squirrels outside of the oval office. apparently he goes up

goes out, puts them out for the squirrels, and george bush got very angry. said the president was trying to strip him of all his jobs. [ laughter ] [ applause ] unfortunately, the squirrels could not eat the acorns because all their teeth fell out from the jelly beans the president gave them last year. [ laughter ] you ever try to gum an acorn? now the president has been feeding the squirrels, i guess, for three years but he has not been able to win them over. squirrels keep asking, "what happened to the guy "with the georgia accent "who raised the nuts?" [ booing ] okay, we try. uh, on the political scene, uh, alan cranston from, uh, california, as you know, is running for president and did you see he has a new look? he's dyed his hair black.

i don't mind him dying his hair black, but to compete with jesse jackson he also got a mr. t mohawk haircut. [ applause ] uh, alan cranston said that the movie "the day after" will probably help his campaign. john glenn seems to think that the movie "the right stuff" will help him in his presidential campaign. uh, harold stassen is hoping that they'll reissue "golden pond." [ laughter ] i wasn't too sure of that one myself. mondale is after the youth vote. today he filmed a rock video with michael jackson. [ laughter ] when i get close to one of these, just let me know. jesse jackson is seeking the older vote. today he got the support of the last surviving ink spot. so it's really starting to-- [ laughter ] [ booing ]

anyway, we got a good show for you tonight. we have a lovely lady, a beautiful actress, miss lynn redgrave is here this evening. we have a very-very funny young comedian who's been with us several times, jerry seinfeld. [ applause ] a charming gentleman by the name of ernest st. george. he is 92 years old. he, um, is responsible for quite a few inventions. he was married, i guess, r a newlywed. and the mighty carson art players are gonna take another shot at it. we'll be right back, stay where you are. [ applause ] thank you. we'll be right back. thank you.

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>> hello, there. [ applause ] good show. as i mentioned, this first gentleman, he's a 92-year-old. he's an inventor from houston. i don't know whether he's still active inventing or not, but he's had a very interesting life, so we thought you might like to share some of his experiences. would you welcome ernest st. george? [ music ] how are you, sir? >> very good, johnny. very good. >> we just had a chance to, uh, briefly say hello in the makeup room. have you ever had makeup on before? >> oh, yes. oh, about 70 years ago. >> yeah? [ laughter ] >> i was in vaudeville. >> that's-- somebody mentioned you were in vaudeville. what'd you do in vaudeville? >> well, i had an act, a big act.

in show business. >> is that a fact? >> yes, he was 19 years of age. it was 1925, and i was in new york. i'm from australia, to new york, and, uh, i was looking for comedians, and my agent told me that ken murray around looking for a job. i said to ken, "oh--" and i interviewed him, and he said, "very good," and i said, "how much," and he said, "oh, i want "a hundred dollars a week." i said, "all right." >> that's pretty good sized money, isn't it? >> yeah. >> ken murray did the blackout >> for a long time, yeah. >> for 20 or 30 years. what kind of an act did you have? >> i had a-- it was an act-- i'll tell you how it happened, johnny. i was an electrician, and i wanted to come to america at any cost. >> you were in australia at that time? >> i was in australia. and of course, you can't-- nobody could get in america, especially in those days. so i said, "well, let me make "a vaudeville act. "an act that's got in." so i made a vaudeville act, and accidentally i tipped the statue over

"i'll do in my vaudeville act," and i did it. i made a statue of a real woman, fell over, broke to pieces, come back together again, and went down and bowed. >> and that's the way you got to this country. >> that's what i did for fifteen years. >> well, that's good. i didn't know that. you mentioned in makeup. you said you had a few butterflies, now. >> oh, down here. plenty. [ laughter ] >> at 92, i thought you'd seen everything. nothing would give you the butterflies. >> i've done everything, too, johnny, everything but prostitution. [ laughter ] >> maybe time left for that. who knows? have you watched "the tonight show" at all? >> oh, all the time. i'm your pet. >> really? >> the day since they kicked, uh, parr out, i waited for you for what seemed to be a long time. finally you came on, and i watched your show for 25 years. >> well, that's remarkable. >> what i like, offense-- [ applause ]

when you lay an egg, you get out of it so beautifully. [ laughter ] >> well, we lay a few of those once in awhile. how do you manage to stay up so late? how do you stay so healthy? >> well, now in houston-- >> it's 10:30 in houston. >> it comes on at 10:30 in houston. and oh, i always found time. really-- >> you look in remarkably good health. >> oh, i am, johnny. >> any tricks to staying healthy? >> oh, well, i work very hard, seven nighttime, i have a couple of schnapps, a couple of good martinis. and then sometimes a little sex. [ laughter ] [ indistinct chatter ] >> good for you. [ indistinct chatter ] that beats jane fonda's workout book, i'll tell you that. that's wonderful. that keeps the heart going, doesn't it? a little schnapps.

>> it does. >> now you-- this was your second marriage, i understand. >> yes, second marriage. i was married for 65 years, and my wife died in hong kong. and i came-- i made many trips to america 'cause i was a broker, you see, exporting. and, uh, my great friend of mine, a great friend of mine, curtis, helen curtis, and she said, "ernie, "i want you to go to houston "and meet a little lady." this is after my wife died. >> and you're 87 at that time. to houston, and i met this sweet little lady. three days after, i married her. >> three days? that's not exactly what you'd call a long courtship. how come so sudden? >> well, i was anxious to get married. i was married 65 years. i meant to stop. it's pretty tough. >> yeah. >> really tough, you see? and especially, i gotta tell you this, my wife in hong kong, when she died, i made a trip from america back to hong kong, and i told her nurse--

she was very sick. and i had a look at the television. i was looking at the television, and she died. now, here's the sad part. there was nobody else in the room when she died. so when i called 999, the priest, everyone was in the room, you see? and now they accused me of killing her after being married for 65 years, so i had to go-- finally i got out of it. that's the law over there. nobody's witnesses. >> that's remarkable. >> yes, oh, that was a bad one. that's when i came, and then two days after i met vera, and then i got married again. >> i met your wife in the hall a moment ago. she looked like a very lovely lady. how's the marriage going? okay? >> yes. >> yeah. >> johnny, you look terrific. you look terrific. >> i'm trying to learn how you do this. you don't have any fights or anything? no fights. we're gonna come back. we have to do a commercial. then we're gonna come back

we're gonna be right back.

[ music ] >> we are back. if you're just joining us, we are talking with, uh, mr. ernest st. george. let's talk a little bit about these, uh, these inventions. they gave me a couple of things to ask you about. now, you have something to do or invented a 05 recording camera? >> yeah, that's right. >> what is that? >> that's a camera that-- getting near to the end of the war in europe, the nazis had hidden secrets for their gasoline and their planes. >> right. >> i was playing hell with the russians. you see, well, the allies couldn't find them, but when i put my camera that i invented on their 729s they found them. >> i see. >> and they bombed the hell out of them. so that-- so my camera settled that. >> i didn't know that. >> now, after they--

the, uh, uh... roosevelt wanted to do it the hard way, go in with troops, and go and take it. now, he could have done it with my camera because they could find out where the japanese had the-- and find it, and go and bomb it, instead of killing millions of people. well, the bad luck... truman-- roosevelt died, and truman come in. well, what'd truman do? you know, he dropped the bomb and millions of japanese, poor kids and everything. and that was the end of that. i canceled my contract, because i had a five million dollar contract to make my-- make these cameras to find them. you see, and of course that was all canceled when truman got in. >> all right, now what's the-- what about the car heater? >> the what? >> the newsreel camera and the car heater? >> i made-- before i made this camera, i made a regular newsreel camera.

of my cameras. >> i didn't know that. >> oh, yes. [ laughter ] >> we may be using them right here in the studio. so you invented that and sold it to nbc? >> i've been mixed up with a lot, johnny. >> yeah? >> i've done pretty good, but i've spent the money on a bouncing ball. up and down, and i've made a couple of fortunes, up to a million dollars, but i lost them all. i'm happy about losing them. >> really? >> i don't mind it. i'm making one right now. i'm making a televn they're-- every newsreel man-- not newsreel. every cameraman has a camera probably. well, i'm making a motor he can attach to his camera, and make his commercials, his own stop motion. his own cartoons. >> have you been doing this since you were a young man? >> yes, since i was 12 years of age, i've had film in those hands, and 19-- 80 years ago. >> how-how did you manage to make money and then lose it? what were you investing in? >> well, with-- such as with

i had a million dollars. >> a wire recorder? that was the first, uh-- before the tape? >> it was the other type, which was-- >> i remember those. a little thin wire. >> right after the war, i had a million dollars, a big machine shop, and everything going good. my money, my swollen head, and money was burning in my pockets, so i said-- so i got a license and i made wire recorders. was the first one to make wire recorders. i got a contract from sears roebuck for, uh, half a million. and they waited in line blocks long to buy them. and they bought 'em and bought 'em. then, all of a sudden, they started to come back to sears. and sears was getting as many as they sold back. the reason why-- they were no damn good. >> oh, well, that's-- [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> that's a fact. >> that'll-- that'll put a crimp in the old inventors, uh-- >> yeah. now, here was the secret, john. you see, wire, here's one wire, and then there's the other wire. well, we say that's sound, that's music, and that's speech. >> yeah.

now, with tape, it can't do it. >> ah. >> because it's insulated by plastic. >> yeah. >> see, here's the sound with tape. and there's plastic there. >> yeah. >> so it can't-- >> didn't work, huh? >> didn't work! well, billions of dollars was lost. they were-- sears gave 'em the six million. >> yeah. >> and i lost a million and a half. >> yeah. >> not kidding. >> when you had money, did you go out and spend it on silly things? >> yes, lose. >> like what? >> oh, well, not exactly silly. i'd buy-- you know, take a lot of people out to eat and do all that, grab a few d hit a bus or something with a car and then pay my way out of it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] johnny, i'm writing the book. >> you-you're writing a book about this? >> oh, you've got to take me back here when i write that book. >> oh, sure, sure. >> you will? >> oh, yeah. >> i'm gonna hold you, now, on your word. >> oh, all right. >> okay? >> i'm committed, i guess. >> yeah, you heard him. >> i heard him, yes. [ laughter ]

>> yes, everything. right up from when i was 12 years of age. >> yeah, well, you seem-- >> projection-- assisting projections at 12 years of age. >> you've had-- >> truly-- in australia. >> is there anything now-- 92 years-- are-- anything you're looking forward to doing what you have never done? any challenge left? >> no, i've done everything. truly, john. i've gone on repeat-- except-- but prostitution. >> but prostitution? >> may have a shot at that. >> yeah, well-- so there's-- >> oh, it didn't get a laugh. >> no, well-- [ laughter ] well, you haven't worked in 70 years! you know, you lo-- you lose your timing you can't-- can't go from vaudeville to 1983. do you ever think about-- >> i played the palace twice. >> you played the palace? in new york? >> yeah. >> oh. headlined, eh? >> i had-- oh, i had some big ones on-- i played with eva tanguay. now, you can remember some of-- >> i remember those names, but-- >> freddy knows. [ laughter ] >> freddy used to bring pizzas up to eva tanguay at night. [ laughter ] but those were big acts. >> johnny, let me go

[ laughter ] >> it's nice to have you here. >> likewise. >> really, i-i-i enjoyed talking with you, and when you do the book, you'll come back and we'll talk about the book. >> thank you, johnny. i wanted to tell you one thing. you're fabulous. >> well, that's very nice of you to say. >> from the bottom of my heart. i've loved you for years. >> thank you. >> and when i saw you today, i-- well, i saw him, and i'd recognize you immediately, you see. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> yeah. >> i'm on repeat. there's no one living, no comedian living-- you can take them all. take any of 'em-- no one gets out of a mess but you. >> well-- i thank you for coming tonight. thank you, mr. st. george. [ applause ]

[ music ] >> thank you, doctor.

doc severinsen and the great nbc orchestra. [ applause ] if you watch monday night football regularly, you know that howard cosell recently took a two-week vacation and o.j. simpson filled in for him on the air. we wondered what would've happened if during cosell's vacation, he was replaced not by o.j. but by another celebrity from outside the world of sports. >> hello, everybody. i'm stu nahan, and it's a beautiful night for football in los angeles, the temperature about 62 degrees. as usual, i'll be doing the play-by-. but filling in for howard cosell is our new color man this week, william f. buckley. [ laughter ] [ applause ] welcome. good to have you here, mr. buckley. >> thank you, mr. nahan. i'm extremely gratified to be here this evening. [ laughter ] in fact, as i was entering the city of angels, i was reminded of nothing

of julius caesar, who, as he was crossing the rubicon, turned to a centurion and said, "iacta alea est." [ laughter ] "the die is cast." >> oh. >> yes. >> uh, we've got a pretty good matchup tonight, don't you agree? >> well, i would postulate both sets of gladiators, if you'd let me continue in the roman metaphor, as it were, are indeed reasonably comparable in their level of athletic acumen. jack youngblood of the rams is down on the field. can you see what that injury might be, bill? [ laughter ] >> well, it appears to me that mr. youngblood might find it difficult to exercise his conjugal prerogative. [ laughter ] >> uh, i don't quite follow you. >> he got kneed in the macadamias. [ laughter ] >> oh, then youngblood appears to be okay right now.

los angeles is lining up in a nickel defense. >> well, as you know, i'm opposed to the nickel defense. i prefer tax-free municipal bonds. they provide better capital growth investment. >> right you are, bill. uh, there's a fumble right there. carl ekern for the rams picks up the ball, comes up with it, and he's down to the seattle 45 yard line. boy, for a linebacker, ekern can really carry and lug that pigskin. >> well, as my esteemed predecessor howard cosell would say, that little simeon can accelerate with considerable velocity. [ laughter ] >> hang on a minute, there. there-there-there's a flag on the play right down there. >> oh, i certainly hope it's not an american flag. i mean, given the national media's obsession with espousing third world causes. >> uh, wh-what do you have on tap for us at halftime tonight, bill? perhaps some nfl action of some of the week's highlights? >> i'm going to debate billy "white shoes" johnson on whether or not socrates approved of spiking the ball

do you have an opinion about those cheerleaders down there? >> well, mr. nahan, i can only draw a parallel between the proportions of their mammary development and the configurations of the egyptian pyramids. [ laughter ] >> uh, what-what exactly do you mean? >> i beg your pardon? >> i say, what exactly do you mean? >> they've got a great set of honkers. [ laughter and applause ] >> all-all right, we're back to the action now. let's take a look at it. there's the snap. ferragamo, and he's rolling >> to the left? please don't associate me with anything that might be going to the left. i can't stand it. good night, mr. nahan. thank you very much. >> we'll be right back.

[ music ] [ applause ] >> thank you. okay. thank you.

>> a silly idea, isn't it? yes. buckley at the football game. "there's the kickoff." uh, we're back. uh, course we're back. yeah. what does that say? lynn redgrave is gonna be with us shortly, but right now, we have a young man who's been with us before. uh, he's a fine young comedian. tomorrow night, november the 18th, he's gonna be appearing with andy williams in evansville, indiana. november 19th, he'll be at the marriot hotel in santa clara, california. and on december 3rd, he'll be at the fairmont in oakland, california. would you welcome, jerry seinfeld? jerry? [ applause ] [ music ] >> thank you, thank you. well, i'll tell you somethin' about television. it's gettin' scary. i was-- i mean, it's gettin' scary. i was watching "that's incredible." they had a guy on who caught a bullet between his teeth. i'm not making this up. anybody see this guy? [ applause ] the guy catches-- this is his act.