[ music ] >> our next guest

[ applause ] lynn redgrave, as you know, is a-a very talented actress. she's had great success in, um, films, television, theater. and she comes, of course, from a legendary theatrical family. her father, sir michael redgrave, has written a book called, "in a mind's eye: "an autobiography." an actor's autobiography. she's here to discuss her father and his book. would you welcome, lynn redgrave? [ applause ] [ music ] good to see you again. >> thank you, yes. nice to be here. >> want to ask you about this, um, because sometimes when children grow up, they find out more about their parents later in life-- >> yes. >> than they do when they were young. i found out that was true with my father. as i got older, there were things i didn't know about him. did you find out things that you were not aware of? >> yes, i-i-i definitely-- >> hidden secrets, or something? >> well, i don't know about hidden secrets. there was, uh-- there's a certain episode in

su and that's, um, when my dad played in "as you like it" in london many years ago in the-- i guess late '30s, i suppose it was. i'm trying to think-- yes, it was, because it was when, um-- and dame edith evans, who was then not dame edith evans, played rosalind. she was 50 at the time. >> right. >> my father was considerably younger. and apparently she gave the most breathtaking performance, you know? you forgot in a second that she was 50, and believed she was a young girl in love. and it turns out that yes, she was in love. she was very much in love with my father. and they had long meetings, and a very close relationship indeed. and i don't think i really knew that. >> why do you say many meetings? i mean, i'm not trying to-- >> well, i'm british, you know, johnny. i don't like to talk about these things too boldly. i mean, you'd say "an affair," i suppose. you'd just go right out and call the spade a spade. >> no, no, i-- maybe a liaison or something. >> yes, you-- ah, you've put it so nicely. >> yes, a liaison. >> yes, a liaison, yes. but, uh, i had a suspicion about it, because of course i'd always heard about this wonderful production,

>> right. >> but when i was, um, 20 years old, i was in a production at the national theatre of great britain, where-- of "hay fever," and it was directed by noel coward himself. he wrote it, of course, and dame edith was to play the leading character. maggie smith was in it, myself-- and she was very strange to me, edith, at the time-- dame edith. she was, um, she called me "the little redgrave girl." had this extraordinary voice. [ laughter ] "little redgrave girl "going to wear that dress?" i had a scene where i had-- i was given-- it's all in the '20s, and i had this beautiful sort of petticoat, uh, yellow thing that frothed around. and i was given this one single white ostrich feather. and i loved it. i play-- i played this terrible flapper girl, jackie. who had a lisp and called "mrs. bliss" all the time. and noel coward was wonderful to me-- dear and encouraging and fabulous. and he liked me very much. and she got very upset. she saw this feather in the scene. >> distracted you? >> "just a minute, noel. "little redgrave girl,

[ laughter ] and was very upset. she-- i don't think she-- and i began to think, "why does she not like me? "why, why? "i'm michael's daughter." and then i thought, "ah." and that's when i think i knew. >> she thought that you might've known about their-- >> i think she was just jealous. >> really? >> that i was his child, and, uh, anybody close to him, i think. >> was your father a difficult man to live with? >> very difficult. >> actors are not-- not easy to live with. >> they're not. they're easy in our days. >> you ever fall in love with one of your leading men? tain >> well, i tell you, i fell in love with my husband while working with him, but he was playing a guy who was gay. >> uh-huh. >> so isn't that interesting? he was calling me sweetie. he thought-- you see, we were in this television play together. and, um, i was playing a debutante. so very, you know, british and all like that. and he played my assistant who kept calling me sweetie. >> mmm-hmm. >> he'd say, "hello, sweetie." well, you-you've seen my husband. he's-he's bearded and quite masculine looking. i hope you like this description, darling, if you're looking. >> but prior to that, did you--

>> um, i think i-- >> or have a crush, or, uh-- >> yes, i had crushes. i'll tell you who i had a crush on. i had a big crush on james mason in "georgy girl." i had a mammoth crush on him. and of course, i was several years his junior. and he was sweet to me, and dear, and i really was-- i was mad about him. >> many meetings? >> no, never any meetings. only on the set. never any meetings. no meetings. >> i like that term. "had rather quite a few meetings, you know?" >> well, you know the old hollywood term-- they're always saying, "i'm taking a meeting." "i'm taking a meeting "with the head of fox." well, we know what they mean, now, don't we? >> "i'd certainly like "to meet you." [ laughter ] have a whole 'nother-- >> it's a whole new meaning, now, doesn't it? >> whole new meaning, yeah. >> yes, i'll never be able to say that again now. >> but-- how-how is your father difficult? is-- when he was working, i assume, and in-involved in a, uh-- >> he was very schizophrenic in his behavior. if he was playing strinberg, or shakes-- one of the shakespeare-- you know, something really heavy, or a murderer, or anything like that, he was impossible.

lived it. brought it home-- we would get up in the morning, the three children, vanessa, corin and i, and it would be tiptoe, you know, "shh, "father's playing last night. "shh, shh, shh." and if we made any noise, which, of course, we did, being children, this huge voice would thunder down-- it was very frightening. i mean, i used to be very scared of him when he played those. but if he was playing a comedy, then, of course, then he was the great father, you know, going for walks and the head was back, and he used to bring home-- any time he'd play broadway or come to hollywood and make a movie, he'd bring back the latest hit album, you know, from musical shows. and i remember when he brought back "guys and dolls." and thank god when he brought it back he was playing a comedy, because he then played the album to us and played all the songs. and we used to sing-- if you can imagine the three little british redgrave's singing, "i got the horse "right here," in three part harmony-- it was good, it was nice. you'd have liked it. you'd have put us on. >> coming from a theatrical family, was it almost, uh, in the cards that you would become an actress? i mean-- >> well, i fought it, i think, because everybody said to me, "i suppose you're "going to be an actor." and my sister was always

and my brother, i think, expected that. and i kept saying, "no, no, no," because i was shy, and also i didn't want to do the same as all those generations. >> were you shy? >> yes, i was very shy. but you know, when-when-- at home, my brother and sister were always play-acting. this was before-- we didn't have television til we were about-- i suppose when i was about 13 my father finally succumbed and put a television in the house. so we did a lot of entertaining ourselves and play-acting. and interesting enough, my sister, whose politics i'm sure you've heard of, used to play the president of the united states in most of these things. >> the-- you'd have liked these sketches. and my brother would be the speaker of the house, or something like that. >> that's great training. >> and i would be the butler, or the dog, or something like that. so i don't think i-- don't think people expected very much of me, you know? >> aren't you gonna do cleopatra coming up soon? >> you know, i am. and on the-- you showed the cover of the book, but it's a wonderful picture of my father as antony in "antony and cleopatra." and i'm about to play cleopatra. >> on the stage? >> no, on-on television. >> television! >> there's a company called bard productions who are putting all of shakespeare's

a great face your father had. >> do you know, i don't have an antony yet? >> you don't have an antony? >> no. are you available? >> friends, romans, countrymen. >> no, no-- wrong play. that's "julius caesar." [ laughter ] but it's-- it's-- it's not bad. it's pretty-- >> who knows-- i could give it a shot. >> you-- would you like to? >> i might be a little old for antony. >> we could have some meetings. >> me-- ha! [ laughter ] nobody's explained a part to me like that. so you have to find antony, and then-- >> i've got to find antony, and then i'm going to start right after thanksgiving, and give my queen of the nile. >> oh, i like that. we'll take a break. we'll be right back.

[ music ] [ applause ] >> thank you, doc. we're back. we have about a minute-- the book is just out. >> the book is just out. my father has parkinson's disease and can't travel to this country and publicize it. yes, so i-- that's why i'm beating the drum for him. >> well, please give him our best, will you? i hope it's a big success for you.

your autobiography? >> oh, about, uh, my meetings? >> well, no-- now, i didn't say that. >> maybe. >> but possibly. >> oh, i don't-- i shouldn't think so. i'm-- maybe when i'm 95. >> anyway, much success with cleopatra, and i hope you find your antony. >> yes, thank you. i shall look no further. >> all right. jerry, you're head-- jerry, you're headed for, uh-- >> evansville, illinois-- indiana. >> right. >> evansville, indiana. it gets, uh, kinda the same out there. but i enjoy it. >> thank you. we'll see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ]

? come and knock on our door ? ? come and knock on our door ? ? we've been waiting for you ? ? we've been waiting for you ? ? where the kisses are hers and hers and his ? ? three's company, too ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? take a step that is new ? ? take a step that is new ? ? we've a lovable space that needs your face ? ? three's company, too ? ? down at our rendezvous ? ? down at our rendezvous ?

sorry i'm late. jack, you check out the little number parked at the bar? the one with the body that won't quit? yeah, she's also got a mean-looking boyfriend. you should've seen what he did to the bartender just because... don't do that. do what? look at my girl. no, but i... you're doing it again. what if he was? it's a free country. please, larry. excuse me, but i don't have the slightest interest in your girlfriend. oh? ( squeaks ) so, what's the matter with her? nothing. nothing. she, uh, from what i can remember she's very lovely with her blonde hair flowing down her neck and her... her... peekaboo sweater. peekaboo swea... larry... you know what? i'm getting a little tired of both of you. we were just leaving.

he way do you happen to know where the little boys' room is? the little boys' room? huh? it's to the left next to the little girls' room. hey, thanks. no problem. no problem. by the way, you don't scare us...! are you crazy? jack, come on, it's an act. that type of guy is all talk. yeah, and with your help i can be talked right into the hospital. excuse me. may i sit down? here? i'm sorry. i've come over to apologize for max's behavior. i'm april. i'm larry. i'm leaving. relax. april. well, you're a lovely month. yeah, especially the way you overflow into may. why don't you give me your phone number? perhaps we could get together. that max-- sometimes he makes me so mad. don't have a phone? i'll give you my number instead. i wish max were more like you.

r face. uh, no, i'm not. looks closer. it's hard, very hard. someone makes a pass at him and i'm supposed to ignore it. someone just looks at me... and max puts them in the hospital? see? you do understand. i sure do. would you excuse us? come on, larry. i would talk to max to tell him to try to control his temper. come on, larry, let's go. here you go, darling. call collect. would you quit that? what if max...? max! what is this? uh... i don't know. it's not mine. looks like a phone number to me. it does? well, yeah, it does, but it's not. it's a prescription. a what? i'm supposed to take one of these every four hours and go directly to bed. come on, larry. it's late. you know, you're lucky, pal. my buddy let you off easy this time. you...! it's all right.

oh! cindy, you coming to bed? yeah, as soon as i finish balancing my checkbook. okay. janet, will you help me? oh, cindy, you're asking the wrong person. my bank offered me a clock radio if i'd take my account somewhere else. nuts. hey, hi, jack. hi. you and larry have fun at the beagle? well, if you call being intimidated, threatened and nearly beaten up fun, yeah. janet, would you quit kidding around? some nut thought i was trying to steal his girlfriend. were you? no. of course i wouldn't mind borrowing her for a couple of hours. this crazy guy started to get tough with me. i had to straighten him out. ( cracks knuckles ) so, what did you do? ( doorbell rings ) i did what any guy would do. i looked him right in the eyes and flexed my muscles, you know?

get in here. what are you doing here? well, the bartender told me where you lived. why, that... that's so thoughtful. jack, i told max what you said about controlling his temper. what did he say? he hit the bartender. he hit the barten...? you're just going to have to flex those muscles again. april, these are my two roommates, cindy and janet. well, where's max now? i don't know but he'll be at the beagle every night until he catches you. oesn't scare me one bit. it doesn't? no, i got enough beer in the fridge to last a month. ( pounding ) open up in there! it's max. quick! hide! hide. not you, cindy. april... ( pounding continues ) open up this door! you hear me?! hello. hey, max, what's going on? how you doing? what's happening? where is she?

max, listen with two beautiful girls like this that i'm living with what would i want with a third? yeah, what would jack want with another girl? yeah, since he can't get anywhere with either one of us. what's in there? that's a kitchen, your basic kitchen-- stove, refrigerator table, cups, saucers, you know. quick. i got to get you out of here. i told you there wasn't anybody in here! there wasn't anybody in here! will you just get out of the way? oh, sure. thanks for stopping by. bye-bye. i ain't done looking around yet, jacky. uh, uh... come on, come on. jack... april! well, i'm glad to see you finally came to your senses and dumped that ridiculous goon. you, uh... gee, i wish i could stay but the monks like us back at the monastery by 8:00.

you know what? i just hope plastic surgery can restore you to your former self. don't you touch him! thanks. uh, i don't want your protection, cindy. thanks anyway. cindy, get over here. let me explain. explain what? how you lured my girlfriend back to your apartment to add to your collection of cupcakes? cupcakes? i should warn you-- i know karate. ( high-pitched yell ) ( yells ) i'm not up to that yet. hang on a second, you big bully. max, stop. he was only trying to help. can't you see there's nothing going on between us? and even if there were, so what? you don't own me.

that's my business. if i want to put my arms around him that's my business. and if i want to kiss him... that's my business, too. i guess, uh i'm out of business, huh? that's right! now i lay me down to sleep... you're jealousy's driving me crazy! april, please! i can only handle one fight at a time. all right, you where did he go? who? you know who? hey, listen, if you lay one finger on him i will personally tear you apart. you trying to turn me on?

get the phone, cindy. get the phone. hello. jack? where are you? upstairs at larry's? he's gone. cindy! he's back. larry, larry, this guy is a psycho. no telling what he's going to do next. come on, jack. he's never going to find you up here so stop worrying. ( pounding at door ) max: open up! start worrying. hide me. all right, all right, calm down. open up or i'm going to break down this door! ( laughing ) i'd like to see you try. ( karate yell ) you satisfied?

well, i guess i was wrong. he ain't here. sorry about the door. anytime. oh, by the way could you do me a favor? just name it. tell your friend i'm going to find him and then i'm going to kill him. jack! jack! he left a message. i heard.

good morning. aah! oh. cindy, don't ever do that again. boy, are you jittery. well, i can't help it, cindy. i'm scared to death for jack. can you just imagine how he must feel? ? i'm singin' in the rain ? ? just singin' in the rain ? ? ? what a glorious... ? what are you girls doing up so early?

no. because of the tooth fairy. of course because of max. janet, all he wanted to do was put a scare into me, all right? it worked, but it's over so you... relax! janet, look at how tense you are. sit down. what you need is to take a couple of deep breaths. both of you, come on, let's try it. inhale... exhale. that's it, that's it. inhale... exhale. it's not helping, jack. it's helping me a lot. inhale.... listen, i got to get to work. oh, jack, wait, wait, wait, um... uh, um... well, you take good care of yourself today, okay, jack? janet, believe me we've seen the last of that guy. would you stop treating me like a little boy?! mommy! jack, what's the matter? it's him! max! he's waiting for me across the street.

look, you have nothing to worry about. i don't? he's out there, but you're safe in here. right! that's right! right. and the only thing i can't do is go to work and go to the beach, go on dates lead a normal life... oh, my god, i'm trapped! yeah. i'm afraid i can't come into work again today. well, ye-yes, sir, it's that 24-hour flu. i know it's been three days but, you know, some germs just can't tell time. ( forced laugh ) ( pounding on door ) who's there? i mean, uh... who's there? larry. how do i know it's larry? come on, i need $10. it's larry. come on, come on, come on, come on. jack, geez, you look terrible. well, wouldn't you? i haven't been able to eat. i haven't been able to sleep. that guy just will not go away.

get out of town. i can't go on running forever. i'd be better off dead. don't say that. hey, maybe that's not such a bad idea. what? now, i know this sounds crazy but it just might work. i'll do anything. i know where we'll hold your funeral. my what?! hey, i got this friend who owes me a favor. listen to this. we get janet and... hey. how long do you think lover boy's going to be able to hide from me? he's not hiding from anybody anymore, thanks to you. i hope you're happy. happy? you killed him. murderer. hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, shh, shh, shh... jack just couldn't take it anymore. his heart stopped in the middle of the night. god forgot to wind it. wait a minute.

i don't believe it. we don't care what you believe. we're on our way to the memorial service right now. at the shady hills funeral home. on washington boulevard. at 2:30 sharp. free parking in the back. did they say... that jack is dead?! yeah, that's what they said. oh, i feel terrible. me, too. i wanted to kill him myself. larry: calm down. shh. jack: i can't help it. these places give me the creeps. ( shrieks ) what's that? that's yours.

no sign of max yet. oh, larry... what if this funeral idea doesn't work? that's the beauty of it. you're covered either way. come on, hop in. larry, i can't. why not? i'm not ready yet. oh, come on, jack. there's nothing to it, huh? here you go. oh, larry, come on. ah. this little baby is the answer to all your problems, huh? you got your plush, satin interior. talk about your reclining seats. eh? larry! enty of leg room. not like those japanese imports. larry, will you get out of there?! it's even got a sunroof. larry, you know, you're not selling me a used car. i am not trying to sell you anything but if you just give this little baby a test drive... larry, larry, listen to me... guys, guys, there's somebody coming. whoa! somebody coming. larry! no, i'm supposed to be in there. hurry, hurry!

shh, shh, shh! i got it. what am i? jack-in-the-box? just lie still. now, don't move! ( crying ) mr. furley! oh, my god, it's true. jack, why you? mr. furley... janet, please, not now. oh, he was so young... couldn't you give him any more time? ( sneezes ) it's a miracle! no, it isn't, mr. furley. well, it is a damn good trick!

someone's coming. we'll explain the whole thing to you but, please, don't give jack away. right, you don't have to worry about me! get rid of these flowers. ( sneezes ) oh, god... shh! okay, now... just remember, jack-- lie perfectly still and don't breathe. ( all humming "rock of ages" ) is that him? was. yep. he's deader than a doornail, all right. yeah. well, max, thank you for coming. oh, yes, he's dead, all right! dead and gone. oh, jack, jack... jack. he was such a wonderful person-- so sensitive, so thoughtful...

amen. there'll never be anyone else like him. never... never... never. amen. amen. amen. he was like the son i never had... the brother i always wanted... the friend i always... mr. furley, don't you think it's time to, uh, uh, uh... time to lower our heads in a moment of silence. lower. or a moment of silence for breath, uh, jack. ( fly buzzing )

( wailing ) hey, hey, hey, it's all right. it's all right. hey, you know what? you're kind of cute under this light. would you like to go dancing after the funeral? april! april! what are you doing here? ( gasps ): oh! max! i was afraid you were going to do this. now, april... i didn't lay a hand on him. he's telling the truth. mother nature beat him to it. it was his heart. god forgot to wind it. oh, poor, poor jack. oh, i feel so guilty.

we don't want to keep you. ( sneezes ) what was that? what was what? that sneeze. it was him. it was him. there's something wrong here and i ain't going nowhere until i make sure that he's really dead. what are you going to do? has anybody got a hatpin? that you hounded him to his grave? do you have to make a mockery of his memory, too? when you put it that way it makes me sound like a real heel. forget it. let's go. no, no, when you're right, you're right. i mean, at least i owe the guy an apology. jack, wherever you are... i just want to say that, uh... you know, maybe i went a little too far and i'm sorry.

you're so crazy about april how come you tried to date me? what?! i heard him. i heard him. i heard him, too. max, you two-timing...! i was just trying to make conversation.

we're through. you know you're the only one that i've ever cared for. jack... come on, talk to her. she'll listen to you. jack: nobody's home! april, you know this has been a big mistake. ( laughs ) you're a mistake! ap-april, plea... you know what? i love you. now, did you ever hear me say that? i don't think we're going to see any more of him. boy, am i glad that's over. listen, let's all go to the regal beagle, huh? yeah. i can use a cold drink. oh, me, too. jack: hey, guys? it's stuck here. oh, i get the... hey! uh... huh...

? come and knock on our door ? ? come and knock on our door ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? we've been waitin' for you ? ? where the kisses are hers and hers and his ? ? three's company, too ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? come and dance on our floor ? ? take a step that is new ? ? take a step that is new ? ? we've a lovable space that needs your face ? ? down at our rendezvous ? ? down at our rendezvous ?

did the mail come? yes, but your check didn't come. all we got was the phone bill there by the phone. jack, put that ice cream

cin... hey, jack, come here quick. shh. you'll wake up cindy. no, i won't. she's not here. you mean we're all alone, just the two of us? hurt me. oh! i mean she's not in her bed, jack. it hasn't been slept in. it's still made. not to worry. she probably just went out. cindy would've left us a note, jack. cindy's like that. look, there's no note. cindy's a big girl. she can take care of herself. which is more than i can say for you. when will you girls learn to stop leaving your things lying around? i almost broke my neck on your heel. that's not my heel. it's not mine. then it must be cindy's. oh, my god. oh, my god. do you know what this means, jack? yeah, wherever cindy is, she's probably walking around

how can you possibly joke at a time like this when cindy's been kidnapped? pardon me? don't you see? oh, men are so dumb. this heel was broken off of cindy's shoe when she was struggling with an intruder who broke in here and kidnapped her. your brain has been kidnapped. what probably happened was cindy wanted some warm milk to help her sleep. we don't have any milk so she went to the store to buy some. ( doorbell rings ) that's probably her now. do you kids know what time it is? 12:45. thank you. ( pounding ) 12:46. this is no laughing matter. this is the second time tonight you woke me up with your noise and i'm not going to tell you again! good. get in here!

when was the first time? a couple hours ago. we were at the movies a couple hours ago. somebody was up here making a heck of a racket like they were jumping up and down. woke me up out of a sound sleep. that must've been cindy. well, she could have at least shown me the courtesy of opening the door when i came up to complain. well, maybe she had already gone out. or maybe someone had their hand clamped over her mouth so she couldn't call out for help before he gagged her and dragged her off. what's she talking about? she's still thinking about that murder we saw tonight. murder? what murder?! a movie murder. relax. film, movies. mr. furley, cindy is gone. where'd she go? i don't know. she's not in her bed. well, maybe she went down to the regal beagle. of course. that's it. the regal beagle. and tonight is their annual adam and eve night. adam and eve?

l and they go off and raise a little cain. you mean if they're abel. you get it? cain and abel? yeah, i got it. cain and abel. cain and abel. oh, darn it! the line's busy. well, i suppose i could mosey on down to the beagle and check it out for you. who knows? maybe i'll get lucky. and find cindy. hmm? oh, yeah, and that, too. and you call us the minute you get down there. okay, okay! oh... jack... oh, what are we going to do? janet, the first thing that you ought to do-- stop pacing. it's making me nervous. i'm sorry, jack. that's all right. what's taking him so long? who? mr. furley. janet, the man has only been gone ten seconds. would you cool it? ( knocking ) thank god. cindy. oh, it's just you.

with the welcome wagon. don't pay any attention to her. it's nervous time over here. cindy is missing. yeah, furley just told me. what's the story? an empty bed, a broken heel, no note people jumping up and down and nobody answering that door. you get the picture? yeah, but it's a little out of focus. do you want to help us or not, larry? calm down, janet. maybe she just took a walk along the beach. you know how much cindy likes to walk along the beach. of course it is a little silly walking along the beach this time of night. it is, you know, high tide. the waves are over ten feet high. you could be swept out to sea... thanks for stopping by. and there's no moon. it's dark out there-- paradise for muggers. they creep up on you... i don't want to hear anymore. larry, i don't know how we get by without you. in that case, i'd better stay.

so, how's business? oh, it's slow. nobody's tried to pick me up or take me home with them. i don't know. maybe it's this dress. no. you look great. hey, hey you are the best-looking undercover cop on the vice squad. do you think it's too late to still get something to eat? i'll go to the kitchen and check. i'll be right back. hi. hi. you looking for someone? yeah, i'm looking for a girl. oh. that's interesting. any special kind of girl? as a matter of fact, yes, i am. a blonde... about your size...

well, what i mean is... oh, a tall blonde with blue eyes, huh? yeah. you think you can help me? hmm... maybe. oh, gee, that would be great. i'd be ever so grateful. how grateful? huh? well, i'm a working girl and, uh, time is money. money... is no object. here. how does three dollars sound to you? must be the dress. either that or you're the cheapest john i've ever busted. busted? you're under arrest for solicitation. you mean you...? come on. come on. damn it! well, any luck? nah. the line at the beagle's still busy. why doesn't mr. furley call us? don't worry, janet.

i'll go down to the beagle and see what's taking them so long. lar... lar... listen, pal, i don't know how long i can keep janet from going completely bananas so call us in ten minutes whether you find them or not. okay, no problem, man. thanks, man. boy, jack, this is really turning into a nightmare. i mean, first we come home and we find cindy missing. then mr. furley goes out to find her and he never comes back. but i think it's pretty strange the way people are disappearing around here. don't you think so, jack? ( screams ) oh, jack! oh, don't you ever do that again. i won't. i won't. what did i do? look, there's only one thing left for us to do, jack. we have got to call the police. no, janet, we're not calling the police. you sit down here and calm yourself. i can't.

okay. um... um... let's straighten up the room. straighten up the room? no. it's cindy's turn. that's a good idea. let's straighten up the room. i'll do the couch. all right, okay. janet... hmm? please tell me you've started smoking cigars. i don't smoke cigars, jack. that's what i was afraid of, janet. hmm? broke into the apartment... and wrestled poor cindy to the floor... breaking the heel off her shoe... before he carried her screaming off into the night. call the police! call the police! hello! hello! give me that.

she's only been gone a few hours, but... uh, well, uh, i don't know exactly.

what? oh. oh, i didn't know that. um, okay. yeah, bye. what did they say? well, they said they don't consider a person missing until they've been gone 24 hours-- unless they're 11 years old or younger. you dummy! why didn't you lie about her age?! hey, mike. oh, sorry, larry, we're closed. i'm looking for mr. furley. he hasn't been in tonight. are you sure? positive. the way he dresses i couldn't miss him. that's odd. how about cindy? i know she hasn't been in. i saw her on my dinner break. where? when? a couple hours ago, getting into some guy's car. whose? i don't know. some older guy. wh-what did he look like? well, he was, he was a big guy. he had grayish hair and i think he was wearing a hearing aid, yeah.

because she was crying when she got in the car. oh, no, i got to call jack. let me use your phone. it's out of order. you have to use the phone booth outside. right. uh, you're not going to believe this... here's a dime. put this on my bill, okay? right. ) hello, jack? it's me, larry. listen, something fishy is going on here. furley never showed up at the beagle and mike said he saw cindy being thrown into the car by some big, mean-looking gray-haired guy with a hearing aid and that's not the worst of it. she was crying. huh? jack, i can't hear you. can you hear me?

nnection or something. i'll call you right back. come on, larry, call back. what's the matter, jack? larry said furley never made it to the regal beagle. no! now he's missing, too. and mike saw cindy being thrown into a car by a tough-looking gray-haired creep with a hearing aid. i told you she was kidnapped. did he say anything else? no. the line went dead. oh, my god! they've got larry, too. i'm calling the police. no, you can't call the police. they said you had to wait 24 hours. that's only if the person is missing. now, wait. hello, police? i'd like to report a burglary. yeah, somebody stole my roommate, my landlord and my neighbor. hello? hello? they hung up on me.

no, you're not. whenever anyone leaves this apartment they don't come back. on second thought maybe i'd better stay with you all right? we'll just sit here and wait for someone to call. okay. poor little cindy-- kidnapped by a sex maniac with a hearing aid. yeah. even if she says "yes," he won't hear it. hello? somebody? help! aah! hello, officer.

all right now, come on. get out of there. ( shrieking ) get up! mommy? get up! jack, jack, jack, it's 5:00 in the morning. we must have fallen asleep. it's 5:00 in the morning. we must have fallen asleep. did the phone ring? are we awake? just calm down. okay, we'll just... i had this dream about cindy, jack. i dreamt how much fun it was having her around here. janet, don't wor... calm down. she'll be back. i was just starting to get used to her. you know that cute little way she's got of bumping into things and knocking them over-- especially you. you know, in a, in a way i sort of feel sorry for the guy who kidnapped her.

there's a... what's this? it's a matchbook. i know what it is, but where did that come from? "the blue lanai motel." so what? matches... the cigar... janet, whoever was here is staying at the blue lanai motel. and cindy's probably with him. we got to go down there right now. janet, bring a picture of cindy. okay! let's go. janet... i'll handle this. leave it to me, okay? ah, good morning. yes, hello. i suppose you want a room? pardon me? no luggage? lu-luggage? i can't rent you a room without luggage. this is a respectable motel. uh, just a minute... okay, i'll rent you luggage. five dollars a bag. uh, will that be cash or credit card? you don't understand. we don't want a room.

i-it's this girl right here. have you seen her? maybe. what do you mean? either you have or you haven't. mister, i'm like a pay phone-- if you want to get the dial tone you got to put in a dime. well, i don't, i don't have any money. gadzooks. there's five dollars. yeah, i've seen this girl. yeah? oh, ooh, who was she with? hey, that's a long-distance phone call. janet? ( sighing ) she was with a guy about 50, gray hair, uh wearing a hearing aid. i knew it! what room are they in? good morning, daddy. good morning, daddy. good morning, darling. did you sleep well? well, but not long. it was my fault for keeping you up talking. but i loved every minute of it. i wish you were staying longer than one day.

one day, another town the next. i know, daddy. i've got to set up my samples. i've got some customers coming over. oh, well, i'll go shower. okay, honey. ( knocking at door ) who is it? jack: uh, room service. breakfast is ready. i didn't call room service. well, it's compliments of the management. he's got a knife! ( kiais ) ( screams ) take it easy, will you? what's going on here? all right, all right, where is she? what? where's cindy? what? don't play dumb with me. i can't hear without my hearing aid. ( shouting ): where is cindy?! we want her now! janet! jack! come on, let's make a run for it. jack, what are you doing to my father?

i'm terribly sorry. it was a huge misunderstanding. i broke your hearing aid. testing, one, two... ( screaming ) it works now. daddy, these are my roommates. mr. snow: oh. jack, you better start explaining. it was a misunderstanding. we thought you had been kidnapped. kidnapped? why? there were all these clues. what clues? your broken heel, for one. my father dropped by unexpectedly and i was so excited that i jumped up and down. and she broke her heel. yeah. of course! janet, how else would she break her heel? i don't get it. elementary, my dear janet. that must have been the noise that woke up furley. how come you didn't answer the door when mr. furley came up? janet, use your head. they had left the apartment by the time heot upstairs.

janet, janet, janet, wake up and smell the coffee. the girl hadn't seen her father in months. those were tears of joy. no, they weren't. my father told me wilbur was really sick. or tears of sadness. that was my second choice. who's wilbur? my basset hound. i've had him since i was ten. cindy, we're sorry. and by then, it was very late and since there were two beds here i asked cindy to stay over. and so i did. i tried to get janet to believe something like that but would she listen? no. could i ask you guys one question? why didn't you guys read the note that i left? there wasn't any note, cindy. yes, there was. i left it by the phone. the only thing on that table was the phone bill. i got it right here in my hip pocket. see?

isn't that silly? ( giggling ) i've got to be moseying along. just a minute, jack. you have had that note in your pocket this whole night? and you never even bothered to read it? it was a mistake! mr. snow, can you help me out here? sorry, can't hear you. then i won't say good-bye.

janet you were the one who started it. jack! janet! did you find cindy? oh, yeah, mr. furley and it was a misunderstanding. she is with her father. oh, good. i was really worried about her. we were worried about you. what happened? to me? actually, i met this lady, and, uh... well, she kind of smiled at me, and, uh... well, one thing led to another, and... matter of fact, i spent the night at her place. mr. furley, you dog. did you find cindy? yes, larry. she's with her father. i've got to go. wait, wait. hold it. did you tell them about last night? how'd you know about last night?

the same girl? no. in the same police station. he was picked up for solicitation. soliciting? mr. furley, you told... who are you going to believe-- me or a used car salesman? three's company was videotaped in front of a studioududience.

i love going to the movies in the other realm. you see next year's blockbusters before they're even made. those poor mortal actors-- they actually think they have free will. ow! what is going on? so, this is what it feels like to be a mime. that's odd. to anyone before. well, we'll have to figure it out after the movie. you're just going to leave me here? sorry. we're late. at least we won't have to sit through the whole movie listening to you say, "now, which one is he?" oh, but...! oh. this is so unfair. so, looks like it's just you and me. want to do each other's hair?