you pays your money and you takes your chances. bite me. you've been lucky all night. that's lucky over there with the poker face. what do you got? just deal. hmm. aha. i'll call. pair of 8s. three of a kind. come to papa! oh, no, not again. how does he do it? it's like he's got radar. rusty, there's a coaster right there. is it so hard to put your beer on it? it stinks in here. don't you guys know how bad smoking is for you? hey! easy! easy! okay, that does it.

well, thanks for listening. the results of my sassy quiz can't be that interesting. sure they are. how did you score on "sassitude"? do you ever get the feeling you're missing something? hey, what's going on?

i know everyone is going to want to ride, so i should warn you, the selection process will be darwinian -- survival of the cutest. can you believe the way everyone's worshiping her? let's just ignore her. okay, so, um... why do you think you scored so low on that quiz? i got to tell you, i think you are the kind of girl that other girls respect. you really want to look at the car, don't you? do you mind? hello, roast beef? this is cat-mandu. give me 10 cans of tuna on the seahawks, and i'll call you before post time at pimlico. later. salem, gambling is illegal in my living room. i'm on a roll, slim. this is my shot at some real action -- not just fleecing the neighborhood cats in boggle.

hosted by none other than diamond dave larouche. the diamond dave? born to misbehave. the wiliest gambler west of the crack in time? absolutely not. oh, yeah -- huh? i despise gambling. it's throwing away good money. besides, no one wins against diamond dave. but i'm red hot. not even double "d" can stop this streak. please! the subject is closed. besides, you can't get to the other realm on your own, so forget about it. girl: cool car, libby. people are acting like libby's dad bought her the space shuttle. a convertible with a cd player. all the controls are on the steering wheel. you're not helping. you guys hear about the class trip to the celtics game? let me guess -- your dad bought you the celtics, too? nice try, freaka, warrior princess. i was just wondering if harvey needed a ride. don't you have to take the bus to those things? not if you have a car.

losers. that's why we were going to take harvey's car, right? right, except it's up on blocks. for how long? you can count on it for graduation. well, i'll be saving shotgun for you, harvey, and claude the bus driver will be saving shotgun for you. we have got to get a car. zelda: do you realize what this stamped and sealed envelope represents? yet another unrequited love letter to robert downey jr.? you are incorrect. you're kidding! it's really ours now? yep, electrical work that's not up to code and all. whoo-hoo! whoo-hoo-hoo! let me guess -- double coupon day at the market? honey, we paid off the house. it's really ours now! whoo-hoo. wait a minute! that's great! now that you have some free cash lying around, you can take on car payments for your favorite niece.

e on! don't quit! ? we're jumping, it's a great day ? we've been over this 100 times. you're not responsible enough for a car yet. well, let me borrow your car for the tuesday field trip. oh, we can't. a group of scientists are going to line our cars up and floor them to reverse the earth's rotation. just an excuse to meet people, but i made a commitment. i'd trade all my magical powers for an '83 lebaron with low mileage. most kids in high school don't have cars, and they do just fine. the bus will be fun. fine. but bear in mind that a car is less expensive than a lifetime of psychotherapy. you didn't see me. you're hard to miss in your sunday-go-to-meeting suit. don't tell the brain trust downstairs, but i've been invited to play poker at diamond dave's high rollers suite. that's a good thing?

some serious simoleons, greenbacks, dinero, moola, shekels, scratch, wampum -- and those are... money, baby. oh. oh, hey, could you buy me a car? page me next week. right now i need every penny to play the legend. [ thunder crashes ] mr. saberhagen? homina, homina, homina. welcome to what we at diamond dave's call "vip plus." oing to get comped! good luck, and buy me a car when you come back. yeah, yeah, yeah. do you gals make your own costumes? i bet she has a car. guess i'll just have to conjure up the car myself. okay, let's see -- essence of tire burn... myrrh...

[ car engine revs ] yes! ah, let's see how popular libby is when i'm mobile. [ car alarm chirps ] no! i told you it was a good idea to activate that "uninsured teen driver" block. it's just a bus. well, can't i tap into my college fund? [ piano music playing ] four of a kind. well, what do you know? gee, that sounds better. that's the fifth straight hand you've won. that's why they call him diamond dave. not amber dave, not aquamarine dave -- diamond dave. that's why i can afford a butler who sits on his butt when my fanta needs refreshing. right, boss. are you sure you don't want a break?

the game is high-low crisscross mexican stud poker, deuces and bugs are wild. did you catch any of that? [ groans ] number 3 was the lightest pencil i could find. maybe if i don't press hard, people won't notice. the trip is next week, people, so it's crunch time for those of you who haven't purchased gifts yet. have you made up your mind, harvey? thanks, libby, but i really had my heart set on the bus. f. i'll try not to gun it as i pass you on the thruway. thanks, harvey. that was really nice of you. hey, if we're on the bus, the bus is the cool way to go. you know it doesn't work that way, but thanks. b-b-but i th-thought a face card beats an 8. but, salem, 8s are wild.

5-card draw. ante up. last chip, last chance. huh? oh, yeah! you are not going to believe this hand! just bend over and kiss my furry -- i believe it's your turn. i believe i'm going to raise you. unbelievable. i finally get a winner, and i can't raise. i've given you everything i own -- my traveler's checks, my "x-men" number one in near-mint condition, i'd really like to work with you here. do you own any property? hmm? this brown would be good... or maybe this beige one. the beige one brings out your immaturity. immature? my life is over, people! [ salem sobbing ] where's your medallion, salem? diamond dave said he could melt it down

tell me you didn't play him. kind of, sort of, and i got into trouble. see, i kind of bet something that wasn't mine to bet. more like -- well, actually, it was yours. a big thing. please tell me you didn't bet the house. how do i say this? whoo, boy, i'm feeling woozy. okay. did you bet this house? well, no. actually, i bet...

did you guys paint the piano? ah, ladies, welcome to the gaming floor. diamond dave. salem bet us? and lost? this is absurd. let's get out of here. your magic's no good here, and neither is your credit. i won you fair and square in texas hold 'em... a game sanctioned

r me. and diamond dave likes things done the mortal way. you... will be my new cook. that cat is going straight to the pound. and you are my new... maid. that cat is going straight to a violin factory. and you -- you will be my new personal assistant. i have a life and -- and a boyfriend and -- did i mention the job includes driving my porsche? whoo-hoo! hilda: no fair. she got a cute uniform. it's my business to be popular. you ladies are now part of that formula, and i like my ladies upbeat and zesty. we are cleaning, and we are smiling. i'd like a light meal -- burnt bacon, peanut butter, four bananas hand-mashed in a bowl.

everybody heard that. i get to drive a porsche, right? he called me "cookie." we've got to find a way out, and, of course, salem will help. [ rock music playing ] oof! i'm okay! that was so much fun. not bad for my first time driving a stick, huh? i'll be recovering in the grotto, and what do we say, hilda, when i come home? [ in cockney accent ] evenin', governor. diamond dave wasn't kidding when he said he was popular. it's like driving with the pope. people fawning all over you is very overrated. i don't need that kind of attention, as i pointed out on my web site. he's starting to remind me of libby. i'm starting to think money is the root of all popularity. don't forget fear. libby has that, too. sabrina, money is just a shortcut to popularity, and shortcuts never work. well, they do for diamond dave.

i have a plan to get us out. i want each of you to get me two ingredients on this list. we can't use magic. our fingers may have crapped out, but we can make a sleeping potion, and i'll mix it into diamond dave's next culinary atrocity. if it works, we can make a break for it. i am so in. did i mention i'm driving a porsche? okay, i'm in, too. zelda's voice: all we need is the feather of a fowl, preferably ostrich or emu... 2 ounces of chlorophyll... a tad of faux animal fur. try not to damage the coat when you take it. some body hair, the coarser the better... and top it off with a little alcohol for flavor.

one sip of this, and he'll be out for a week. and i haven't added the nose hairs yet. [ all cackling ] shh. it's only natural to get carried away when we're gathered over a cauldron, but remember, this potion is our last resort. i'm still hoping salem will save us. salem: whoo, doggie! yee-ha! [ groans ] okay, i've had my fun. now i've got a family to save. [ doorbell rings ] ooh, my won tons. dave: i have to say you gals are doing a stellar job. c.k., if i were you, i would be hearing footsteps. that's a good one, double "d." ha ha ha. okay, who's ready for some tongue, mini-marshmallow, and yam soup? just like mama used to make. zelda, the grub has been magn?fico, but, you know, i've been thinking of making hilda my official food taster.

you never know who might be messing with my meals, and we might as well start with a bowl of tongue. but c.k. has seniority. he should have the honor. i give him a gift every day i don't can him. i'm starting to see a pattern in your humor. here. you've earned it, hilda. go ahead, unless there's something wrong with it. ha ha ha! oh, you know what? it's chunky style -- that's my favorite. aha. i find that highly suspicious. she's tired. she's been working really hard. yeah. don't let us interrupt your dinner. you witches dosed my dinner. does this mean i get to cook for you again? nice try, ladies. i hope you enjoy your new job -- manning the septic tank. i still get to drive the porsche, right? [ snoring ] aah! what?

whoo! check out all the dead soldiers. wait a minute. i am out of food. now i've really got to save them! can i get you anything? a friend to watch my back? i said i was sorry about the food thing. you mean the attempt to poison me? why would i hurt you? you're my oldest friend. he's your oldest friend? i gave him a kidney. a kidney? what did i say? no guilt trips. come on. you're fired. t, dave -- you heard me. now mush. if that's the way you want it. just remember this -- the only reason you aren't alone in this house is you're good with cards. as a human being, you're strictly an amateur. you know what? that kidney you gave me isn't a cadillac. how could you do that to c.k.? he may be a kiss-up, but he's your friend. as long as i have money, i'll have friends. but they aren't real friends. and you're not really a butler,

[ doorbell rings ] you can start by answering the doorbell. diamond dave? allow me to introduce mr. cat chow, an incredibly irresponsible asian gambler. me crazy for pai gow. aah! what was that? oh, look, a putty tat. the potion still hasn't worn off. what exactly was your plan? salem: um, this is pretty much it. i figured once i got inside, i'd get inspired. purr-fect -- now you're all mine, and i got myself a new shoe buffer. [ sobbing ] i'm sorry. this is hugely unfair. we can't be held responsible for anything that a professional gambler wins from a common house pet. a house pet who's rated by caesar's palace. how about a game, you and me?

we'll stay for 100 years and clean your garage. i'll see your bet and raise you. if i win, you all stay here with me... forever. done. poker? no. my game. chutes and ladders? my game, my rules. only if i get to be butch. done. four, five, six. one, two -- shoot. a chute. i ain't going to start now. we did say two out of three? i am so close to the winner's circle i can smell the champagne. that has to be your last chute. it's not like i'm doing this on purpose, aunt zelda. yes! six sweet steps to victory. oh, the glory of it all. i can't believe it. this is my game! not anymore, kid. it's all right, sabrina.

and it's not like forever lasts... oh, dear lord, forever. is the room spinning or is it me? she's having a reaction to the potion. hey, st. vitus dance, take it outside. you know what... big shot? i spit in your grotto. we need to put some coffee on for aunt tipsy. you know what? i never liked you, and your cleft really bugs me. oh! oh, dear. oh, this is bad. this is very bad. i'm so sorry, diamond. is it me, or is diamond dave slumped over the table breathing yet clearly unconscious? that's a pretty fair assessment. hey! look, he had extra dice up his sleeve, and it's all 6s. no wonder he always won. let's get out of here. salem: he must have cheated with me, too. i was robbed! i should at least get the leroy neiman painting as compensation. ow! my head!

no. you're not even allowed to watch "wheel of fortune." morning. i'm late. i promise to eat all the unbruised parts on the bus. are you okay about taking the bus to the field trip? yeah. after a week at diamond dave's, i can honestly say that i do not want to be like libby. it's not money that makes you happy. it's friends like harvey who ride the loser bus with you. oh, we're so glad you see that, aren't we, hilda? one more thing before you go. you're killing me here. i think you'll make it on time. we decided you deserved a little reward for having such a good attitude, but just for today. what are you, a secret agent or something? hop in. hey, check out sabrina's ride. where did you get that? my aunt's wagon broke down. this is a loaner.

hey, where are you going? the bus is coming. if i'm not going to ride in a porsche, what's the difference? but i have an opening... next to an air bag. come back! we'll try not to gun it

any 3s? go fish. any 5s? yes, and i had my heart set on that can of tennis balls. read 'em and weep. pay the lady. my wife's going to kill me. i won fair and square, and i'm taking my winnings... oh. huh. huh. and buying you all rawhide treats. god bless this woman. all right!

he's alive. let me go! let me go! let me go! huh? huh? what'd i tell you? vinnie, that's a movie mummy. i'll be working on a real mummy. what do you think? wrap it around your face. the mummy will feel at home. i've got to meet dr. joanna fields at 9:30. the woman rips dead egyptians from their tombs for a living. she's bad company. she's one of the country's foremost archaeologists. did i say "curse"? did anyone say "doomed for eternity"? it's an honor the natural history museum chose eastman. when we cat scan this mummy,