so, this is where you humans come to ingest food. well, let's just say that some humans do, yeah. don't you have restaurants on ork? no, we just eat whatever's in front of us. that's why we have to picnic back to back. hey, get a load of the talent that just walked in. yeah, that's mindy mcconnell. her father runs a music store in the mall. who's her handicap? i think his name's, uh, mork. yeah? i'll bet if you yelled in his ear, you'd get an echo. what do you think i should have? anything on the menu.

hi. what would you like? world peace, an end to poverty, and a date with annette funicello. let me know when fun time is over, okay? thank you. hey, marcia... looks like you got a real loser there. that's right, george. you been giving him lessons? aww. you really need to try to fit in more when we're in public. i know. i'm slime. oh, no. why don't you have the businessman's lunch? why should i have it if he didn't? hi, there, beautiful. hi. i was talking to mindy. oh, how do you know my name? i get acquainted with every fox in town. a good way to do that is to leave dead meat

this, i take it, is merk? oh, no, that's a great car. my name is mork. nanu, nanu. well, mr. nanu, nanu, if you'll excuse us, i'd like to dance with the lady. no, thank you. come on. you'll love it. rick, put on some music. [ rock music playing ] mork, will you do something? fine, i'll order lunch. gar?on? i can't let you pass up a chance like me, honey. ou help me? oh, if you insist. cut it out! mind if i cut in? thank you. hey, what are you doing, jerk? no, it's not the jerk. it's the orkan hustle. see? mindy said that you needed help dancing. we don't need help. oh, games! tag! you're it! rick, cut the music.

i think i just went, "tag! you're it!" you better take it back. oh, take it back. [ speaking backwards ] mork! hey, relax, baby. come here. you'll love it. don't cop out! cops and robbers! i know how to play that. freeze right there, dirtball! come on! let's go! up against the wall quick! 10-4! 10-4! up against the wall! we're gonna play a game called hide-and-seek. close your eyes and count to infinity! infinity? that's ridiculous. count! all right! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,

[ customers laughing ] hey, where'd he go? what are you laughing at? there was no gun. that guy mork had his finger in your back. yeah?! in that case, he just became an endangered species. yah! of lunch on the planet earth. it wasn't? no! for one thing, i don't usually get attacked. see, i don't like getting attacked. why didn't you stop him? i keep forgetting you just don't understand, do you? look, mork, that guy was a stupid creep. somebody should have made him stop. mindy, you don't understand. you see, orkans abolished violence a long time ago. we consider it humiliating.

that you needed to protect? oh, yes, it was my girlfriend zundera mae joe bob. girlfriend? i thought orkans had no emotions. we're still assigned someone to go swimming with so we don't drown. how romantic. well, what ever happened to, uh... zundera mae joe bob. she was swallowed by a black hole. look, mork, i'm not into violence either, but if you're threatened, you've got to be able to defend yourself. you don't understand, do you? oh, i know all about violence. i watch tv. here, stand up. now throw a punch at me. [ laughs ] okay. ohh! aagh! aaagh! aagh! see? that's not violence. i didn't even hit you. violence involves pain.

wboys are faking it. this isn't going to work. how can i teach you about fighting? i know! we can always get married. [ humming "rocky" theme ] [ speaking in slow motion ] what are you doing? [ echoing ] getting in shape. [ panting ] but you were running so slowly. i was jogging in another time dimension. it's a lot healthier, but a lot more exhausting, especially since i haven't been through a time warp in five or six bleems. [ doorbell rings ] oh, there's the bell.

if you take off that toupee, you'd look like a rock. i think your technique may need a little refinement. i think you've really got your work cut out for you today. if the army can teach me to box, i can teach mork. well, mork doesn't have the faintest idea how to defend himself. as long as you're going to go out with my daughter, you might as well learn how to protect her. here, put those on. i can't. these gloves are pregnant. big. here, let me help you. there. now, cut that out. don't orkans have any method of defending themselves? oh, yes, but they're all nonviolent. there's running away... and whimpering, and for dangerous situations, we use compliments. compliments? what do you mean? come at me.

i mean, what's left of it. those methods won't work on earth. i'm going to show you what you're up against. if you can't learn something from an alien, you might as well stay in your egg -- ow! now you know what pain is. on ork, we don't hit each other. we have mental competitions called hollytackers. i can cream you in a hollytacker. okay, what do i have to do? first of all, no fogging before the schmegmas. you're gonna lose points for that. you have to be ready at all times. now you try to hit me. i appreciate what you're trying to do, but i can't cause people pain. but if you don't learn to fight, you're the one going to feel pain. i'm sorry. it's against my beliefs. [ telephone rings ] but what are you going to do if you're attacked? i don't know, but i won't use violence. hello? yes, he's here. yeah, just a minute.

george. a-ooo! yes. [ laughing ] well, if you insist. be there or be square. bye-bye. what happened? what did he say? he said he's on his way over to pull my lungs out through my nose. would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream]

no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. helps big time. switch to time warner cable. for $89.99 a month you'll get free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world. we can call aunt rose as much as we want now. switching is easy. get our exclusive 1-hour arrival window, a money-back guarantee with no contract to sign. plus get free installation, tv equiment and epix included. really? honest...no.

look, dad, tell mork not to come home. he's been hiding out all day because he's afraid he's gonna get beaten up. yeah, george is out in front of the house right now. okay, just tell him what i said.

aah! how did you get past george out there? i snuck in the back way. this house doesn't have a back way. does now. [ blows ] mork, why are you doing all this? to save my pride. on ork, one who throws a punch is much more foolish than one who receives it. if i got in a fight with george, i'd be humiliating myself. on earth, hiding is considered humiliating in orkan philosophy, violence is considered a disgrace. the highest form of courage is to avoid a fight cleverly. i remember the 300-bleem war. we hid from andromeda. your planet hid from another planet? yes, we went behind a comet, and they went right by. that's ridiculous! say that to squellman the yellow! he was surrounded by millions of nekretons. he got away by saying the famous line -- "hey, behind you!"

nekretons don't even have behinds. ah, but enough of this gay banter. i'm off to get the mail. what if george sees you? oh, he won't see me. he'll see... mork astaire! you should stand up to george or leave town. ew. ching. [ southern accent ] i ain't gonna leave town. a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do when a man's gotta do it. so what do you gotta do? i gotta hide. how the west was won. now, just because his viewpoint

and besides, what's so bad about not wanting to fight? [ normal voice ] what do i do? whatever you think is right, but i'm not sure that the best way is dressing up like a dead cowboy. i can be a pirate then. ha! ha! wrong eye. [ pirate voice ] ar! i'll shift the mizzenmast and swab up that poop. [ normal voice ] you're right, i should get out of town. here, go find a wig. i have had it. george is still in front of the house. he hasn't moved. oh, yes, he has. he's right outside. oh, no. quick. quick. you can hide under there. hey, you're getting good at this, too. he'll never even see me. [ chuckles ] george: where is he? he saw you coming, and he was so scared that he left town. i bet he did.

i'm going to have to ask you to leave. and if i don't? then tomorrow, you're going to blow this oboe out...your...ear! okay, i'm going, but you tell that coward that i'll be waiting for him at the eatery, and if he doesn't show up, i'll get him, no matter where he hides. so, what's for dinner? dad, grandma, i'd like to speak with mork alone. i understand. that guy was lucky he didn't throw a punch at me. not half as lucky as you are. well, i knew somebody was lucky. mork, this is difficult for me to say -- maybe you should hum it then. throughout this whole thing, i've been trying not to tell you what you should do,

g to look like you're afraid of him. i'm no coward. i just believe that violence is humiliating, that's all. all right, i believe that's true, but the way you're acting, i can't help but think that... you're ashamed of me. no. yes, you are. mork from ork has never been called a coward. i've never even lost a hollytacker, except for that one on sirius, and how can you trust an 8-legged pekingese as an umpire? mork, you don't have to prove anything to me. yes, i do, and i will. i'm going down there. i'm going to make that guy humiliate himself if he has to tear off all of my limbs to do it.

where is he?! ow. oh, hi. so, are you ready to fight? oh, no, but i'm ready to let you make a fool out of yourself. just how are you gonna do that? by standing up to you. hey, what are you doing? i'm going to make my stand sitting down. you want to play cute? [ high-pitched voice ] okay. da-de-da-da-da. mork. [ gasps ] leave him alone! don't interrupt. george and i were having a little discussion. get up. i feel real sorry for you. come on, now, george. don't go and mess up the place. i'm not gonna mess anything up except him. why don't you lay off the guy? he isn't gonna fight. listen, i could care less about this idiot.

i think her exact words were, "that guy is a stupid creep." i've had enough out of you. now you've had it. do what you want to, but i'm not going to fight. uunh... look, lumpy, the supremes. hey, what'd you do that for?! he started it. he started nothing! he wasn't gonna fight! ooh, big man. i mean, what's next, george, you gonna go step on some baby chicks? [ customers cheer ] shut up! all of you! now, this whole thing started because i wanted to dance with mindy here, and that's exactly what i'm gonna do. i can't allow that, george. look, all right, i will dance with you. mork, why don't you just go home? no. you leave her alone. yeah?! you gonna stop me?! um...

you've got very lovely teeth, george. what?! you floss, don't you? you're crazy! no, you're crazy if you don't floss. i'm gonna smash your face in! you're going to humiliate yourself. i'm awfully fast. i've beaten guys who are fast. not this fast. i'm into time warps. i don't care if you're into kung fu. hey, where'd he go? i'm over here, clone prince. ooh! [ whistles ] ? la la-la la la ?

? la-la-la la la ? [ imitating se?or wences ] hello. you like being here, too? ? la-la-la la la la-a la ? [ sings in orkan, whistles ] this is too humiliating for you. please, make me stop. what's going on here? he's making a fool out of you! face it. he's too fast. he's just playing with you. "whom." bon app?tite. ahh! [ whistles ] this is too painful for me.

well...okay. and will you say you're sorry to mindy? i'm sorry, mindy. boy, am i ever sorry. then it's over. bartender, spam for everybody! that was the most incredible thing i've ever seen! how did you do that? i don't know. i think i'm out of shape. i think i pulled a frontal lobe. it was absolutely amazing. you beat him without hurting him, and you protected me.

mork calling orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson. come in, orson. what are you doing? i was doing a little shadowboxing. since there are no shadows in my mind, i was punching thoughts. i didn't know you had any. oh, just one, and the little sucker's hiding in my subconscious. you know violence is against orkan law. i know that, but i'm trying to fit in because these are a very violent people. you mean they have wars? oh, no, worse than that. violence is part of their everyday lives. first of all, they slash prices, they drown their sorrows, they punch buttons, and they kill time. what makes them so violent? i think it starts when a baby is born. the first thing a doctor does is hit it.

this is mork signing off. until next week, nanu, nanu.

[ guitar strings twanging ] [ knock on door ] come in. ? la cucaracha, la cucaracha ? hi, honey. hello, darling. no, not you. her. hi. whatcha doing? i'm restringing a guitar. how about you? mindy and i are going nitpicking. don't you mean "picnicking"? now you're nitpicking. we thought we'd go to boulder lake and have a picnic. i've got ham sandwiches and hot chocolate. i see mork has the blanket and the pepper? no, ants. mindy said no picnic is complete without them.

plenty of food. and plenty of ants. i'd love to go, but your grandmother isn't feeling too well. what's wrong? well, you remember her friend barney? the one she plays gin rummy with. he passed away friday night. cora's taking it very hard. mrs. hudson, want to buy a guitar? no strings attached. ar ar ar. no, thank you, mork. i'm just looking for my glasses. oh. u. whoa, you're right. i don't think i've ever seen her this depressed. she's just not herself. for three days, she hasn't even called me a wiener. why is mrs. hudson so sad? it's probably because she's lonely, mork. she doesn't have too many friends her own age. on my planet, the elders have all the friends. here it's different. people, especially young ones, ignore their elders.

we have the same thing in our big cities. it's called mugging. mrs. hudson seems so lonely. what does she want to do? i'll do it with her. that's really sweet, mork, but the problem is, she needs somebody her own age. why don't you two go have your picnic? i'll restring cora's guitar. maybe that will make her feel better. all right. i'll call after we're done to see how grandma's doing. i'm sure that will cheer her up. mindy: i'm gonna go in the back and see if i can cheer grandma up. if anybody comes in, just yell. aaaahh! aaaah! you said, "yell." you okay, mork? certainly, my main munchkin. eugene, i --

what do old people do for fun? well, my mother's pretty old. she's 31. no, a lot older -- like mrs. hudson. they hang out by the parks or the museums. what makes those places so special? they're free. what do they do at the park? they feed the pigeons. hey, i gotta go in for my lesson. thanks for the information. anytime. what it was. what it shall be. one day. yeah. hey, good-looking. oh. oh, why, what can i do to help you? oh, you can walk up and down my back in a flimsy kimono.

oh, why, i don't even know your name, and besides, my kimono's at the cleaners. oh, shaz-- uh... maybe you can show me something in an ethiopian lip whistle. a harmonica. oh, certainly. follow me. [ whinnies like horse ] whoa! must be jelly, 'cause jam don't shake like that. "q." we don't have it in the key of "q." well, then, you pick one you like. let's see. uh, how about the key of "c"? how about dinner? oh, ha ha ha ha. well, uh, no. i'm having moo-goo spaghetti, or whatever. well, you see, i'm, uh, pre-indisposed. oh, cara mia, you're beautiful when you're tongue-tied.

is the pope polish? now that will be $5.29. oh, $5.29. thank you. boy, i remember when these things used to be -- i forget. ha ha ha ha! would you like to have that wrapped? oh, no, thanks. i'll play it here. where you going? to the museum. i've never been to the museum. oh, come along, sweet pea. we can't keep those statues waiting. this time of year, the fig leaves begin to fall. ? oh, we'd make a peach of a pair, oh ? [pear] ? i know you can't elope ? [cantaloupe] ? but, oh, honey, do ? [honeydew] [ laughs ] ah.

why, i don't even know your name. oh, uh, bill c. hohner. how do you do, mr. hohner? my friends just call me marine man. [ laughs ] on the way, we'll stop by this wonderful delicatessen and pick up some munchettos. oh, wonderful. i'm starving. oh, not for us. for the pigeons! ha ha ha ha! uh, mindy, our little girl is growing up. yeah. soon she'll be leaving the nest. really, you two are impossible. oh, us? you're the one that's been taking the long lunch hours.

now, the museum closes at 9:00, and i've been home by 10:00, haven't i? yes, but the museum is only four blocks away. i want to know what you've been doing between 9:00 and 10:00, hmm? we're not exactly spring chickens, you know. we don't just skip along the sidewalk. why are you being so secretive about all this? well, i think a person should keep one's personal life personal. oh. who's the one that always wants to know i go on a date, hmm? right. turnabout is fair play, so tell us everything. yeah. well, so far we have gone to the museum... and what else have you been doing? none of your business, fredso. isn't that nice? she's back to normal... even if she is hiding something. well, i think it's wonderful.

really? mindy and i are dying to meet the man who's responsible. well, it just so happens, he's coming to take me to lunch. good grief, my chicken potpie. you know, now, i might not know what i'm talking about, but listen to your heart. when you listen to your head, logic gets in the way. you're right. [ laughs ] i know i'm meddling. i just want what's right for you and bill. [ knock on door ] it's -- oh, that's probably bill now. i'll go get my coat. okay. oh, you must be bill. i'm mindy, cora's granddaughter. oh, charmed. oh. oh, dad, this is bill.

just kidding. you've made my mother-in-law very happy. oh, since i've made you both so happy and you don't mind what's happening between cora and me, i want to share with you a little secret. nanu, nanu. ha ha! where did you hear that? on ork, i'm known as mork. ar ar ar ar! did you have a nice chat? oh, yeah, and i hope that bill and i get a chance to chat again... real soon. uh-oh, looks like i'm up the big creek

john, we're giving you a raise. that's fantastic! but i'm gonna pass. are you ok? honey, you got another present. no thank you, dad. who says no to more? time warner cable internet gives you more of what you and those little data hoggers want. like ultra-fast speeds up to 300 megs. that's 50x faster than dsl. this internet speed is sick. get 50 meg internet starting at $39.99 a month. call now. and with home wifi, the whole family can be online at once. g reat for kids to stream scary shows while not cleaning their room.

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hold it right there, casanova. casanova? i've heard of supernova, chevy nova, bossa nova. ar ar ar ar. you're not going to get out of this one by acting dumb. but i wasn't acting. mrs. hudson and i had a wonderful time today. we started off by escorting a boy scout across the street. then we played chicken with kids on skateboards. mork, how could you do such a thing? with my orkan age machine. i set the controls for senile, subtract two. i'm not talking about the mechanics of what you did. i want to know why you'd do such a horrible thing to grandma. how could it be horrible? it makes her happy. she's only happy because she thinks you are an old man. but when i use my age machine, i am an old man. what if she falls in love with you?

uh-oh, sudden realization. mork the good is suddenly mork the bozo. i better call the travel agent and book a heavy guilt trip. how could i do such a dumb thing? oh, mork, your intentions were good. yeah, but there's a saying on ork -- the road to earth is paved with good intentions. but, how can i solve the problem, though? mrs. hudson and i have a date tomorrow night. i guess you're just going to have to break up. i'm already pretty broken up right now. no, i mean you're going to have to tell her that you're not going to see her anymore. oh, boy, is that going to be hard. i think she really likes that old man. psst! eugene!

what's up, mork? i need to ask your advice again. i'll do the best i can, but you got to understand, i have my limitations. i'm only 10 years old. you're the only one i can ask. what about dear abby? she knows everything. i've read her advice, and how can you trust a woman who begins her letters "dear puzzled"? okay, lay it on me. let's say someone likes you very much, and you want to end the relationship. how do you do it? i only need seven or eight. lay it on me, my main munchkin. well, one is just slip out the back, jack. all right, "slip...back...jack." make a new plan, stan. "plan." "plan, stan." just drop off the key, lee. "key, lee." and get yourself free. munchkin, you are wise beyond your height. well, one thing you gotta remember --

funny planet where chickens run the railroad. boy, i certainly hope mork can bring this off. oh, i know he can do it. i just hope he doesn't break grandma's heart. bill isn't here yet? no. well, you look very nice tonight, cora. yeah, your hair looks so pretty. [ knock on door ] oh, that must be bill. i'll get that. oh, hello. guacamole, se?orita. ah, none for you until you pluck your hand. ha ha ha. hello, bill. ah, sweet bun. you better make this good. no pressure. um, well, i guess i'll go practice my trombone solos.

oh. oh, aren't those lovely? thank you. both: there's something i have to -- psychic. yes. age before beauty. no, no. pearls before swine. oh, go ahead. kay-o. cora, there's something i have to say to you, the painless is easy. at my age, the quick is the hard part. ha ha ha. cora... after careful consideration... i've decided to slip out my back, jackson,

includes dropping off the key. in summation, i'm going to get myself free. i haven't understood a word you just said. i should've asked him for the other 46 ways. never mind. come and sit down because it's my turn to talk. now, first of all, i want to thank you for helping me through a very rough time. oh, rough time? about 8:10. and the other thing i want to tell you is i know who you are, mork. shazbat! how did you find me out? oh, come on. if you were really old, the "kay-o" would have been followed by a "pectate." i'm -- i'm a real nimnul then. oh, no, you're not. you're wonderful.

remember that piece of artwork that you liked? oh, yes, that lovely metallic sculpture. mm-hmm. that...was an air conditioner. oh. and then last night when we were lost, you asked directions from a pine tree. oh. he got us there, didn't he? ha ha ha. but only mork could do those things. um, well, then, e anymore. oh, how can you say that? of course i like you. why, i like you more than ever. don't you realize you snapped me out of a blue funk? you've made me realize that i have a family that cares about me and a good job and lots of friends of all ages. i'll always be your friend, mrs. hudson.

but, you know, there's one thing that still bothers me. last night when i tweaked your cheek, i did it to see if you were wearing makeup, and you weren't. it's as if you really have become an old man. temporarily, i am. oh, no, no. there's no way on earth you could do that. you're beginning to get the idea. cora, there's something i have to tell you, his one sitting down. okay. cora, i have to tell you something because i respect you and because you're getting too close to hide it anymore. i'm from another planet. [ imitates flying saucer ] i'm an alien being.

do you want to hear something weird? lay it on me. i believe you. ha ha! of course. i should've known when you -- when you carved our initials on that tree with your finger. i can drink with the sucker, too. oh, what a relief. you know, ever since you moved in with mindy, i was seeing things that, well, made me think my mind was going, but now... well, of course, it's so simple -- a man from outer space. you accept it so easily. most people just look at me and say, "bull!" oh, mork, i've been around a long time. i've seen the age of the automobile and radio and talking movies. i've seen a man walk on the moon.

there's no reason you can't come here. then i can return back to my normal age, and you'll still be my friend? oh, of course. let's shake. [ growling ] ar ar ar ar! but there's one other thing, mork. if you can make yourself old, could you make another person...young? no. ar ar ar ar! ar ar ar ar!

mork calling orson. mork calling orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson. come in, orson.

push-downs. it's a common earth exercise. here's another one -- we must -- we must -- we must build up the bust. why the sudden interest in exercise? well, i aged myself. i'm still a little stiff. that's a cheap way to get respect. it's different here, orson. here, the young people get all the attention. what do young people know?! they don't have the experience! that doesn't make sense! i don't understand it myself. everything else gets more valuable as it gets older -- everything except people. they ignore their ancient ones. they don't do anything nice for them? they do one nice thing -- they fix their income. but why do they treat their elders like that? unlike us, as they get older, their bodies fall into a state of disrepair. why is that, mork? well, i have a theory about that. i feel it's because no one asks them anything. such a waste.

nanu, nanu. -- captions by vitac endora: now, listen very carefully, dear, and watch grandmama. oh, witches of the yesteryear, grant me this wish to disappear. [ ding! ] see how simple it is, dear? it's really very easy, darling. now, why don't you try it, huh? oh, no, she won't! when did you swoop in? we have doorbells, you know. oh? and i warned you about teaching tabitha that hocus-pocus. oh, don't be such a bore. we were just playing a little game. i saw that game. i've told you a thousand times, witchcraft will not be practiced in this house! what on earth is going on?