nanu, nanu. -- captions by vitac endora: now, listen very carefully, dear, and watch grandmama. oh, witches of the yesteryear, grant me this wish to disappear. [ ding! ] see how simple it is, dear? it's really very easy, darling. now, why don't you try it, huh? oh, no, she won't! when did you swoop in? we have doorbells, you know. oh? and i warned you about teaching tabitha that hocus-pocus. oh, don't be such a bore. we were just playing a little game. i saw that game. i've told you a thousand times, witchcraft will not be practiced in this house! what on earth is going on?

pering at his usual level. i've had it with her! all right, sweetheart. you're gonna be late for work. i'll settle everything. okay, okay! but just keep that harpy away from my daughter! and me! i'll see you tonight, sweetheart. he's really too much. mother, what was it this time? oh, nothing. he was just being his usual self -- difficult. well, that's utter nonsense. you provoke him. he gets along beautifully with everybody but you. ha, ha, ha. in business and everything else, people find darrin extremely likable. come on, sweetheart. time for your breakfast. here we go. hmm.

oh, they do, do they? [ chuckles ] well...let's see how likable he can be.

say, i like this type you've selected, darrin -- bold, has authority. thanks, larry. [ intercom buzzes ] yeah? it's for you, larry. hello? oh, yes. send him in here. frank eastwood, an assistant from the mayor's office. he can't want a contribution. campaign's over. not for us, it isn't. i didn't have time to tell you, but they want mcmann & tate isn't that a little out of our line, larry? not at all. it's a very large fee. besides, it will open a whole new field for us, so turn on the charm, my boy. hello, larry! frank, my buddy! nice to see you. oh, i don't believe you know my associate, darrin stephens. glad to meet you, young fella. the pleasure's mine, sir. shall we discuss this over some coffee? how do you take yours, frank? cream and sugar, please. and you take yours black, right, darrin?

of the irascible spell, at the teeny sound of your tinkling bell, the new acquaintance this mortal meets, he will dislike and with loathing treat. [ bell rings ] you don't like cream? uh, no. why not? why not? what have you got against cream? i don't have anything against cream. gentlemen. gentlemen, let's forget about the coffee, shall we, and get on with the campaign? all right. all right. this campaign for the mayor has to be handled with the utmost tact and diplomacy. i understand, sir. how can you understand, stephens? i haven't even mentioned the problem yet. why don't you just be quiet until you know what's going on? look, frank, let me assure you we're here to listen

oh, i know you are, larry. you're an old friend. and i trust your judgment completely. good, now just tell us what sort of image for the mayor you would like us to mold. well, mayor rockland is a fine administrator, but he lacks color and appeal. he's sort of old-fashioned in his dress and speech. stephens here is an expert at creating colorful phrases that we can sprinkle liberally into the mayor's speeches. let's hear some of those colorful phrases of yours. well, i'll have to give that some thought, sir. well, now, that's a clich? if i ever heard one. the mayor uses that line every day. i wasn't suggesting he use it. what's wrong with it? got him elected, didn't it? well, yes, it did, and i voted for him. stephens, i resent your toadying attitude. i didn't come here to seek political patronage. i thought you might have some ideas about public relations.

if you gentlemen discussed this campaign alone. oh, you're walking out on us, huh? politics are beneath you. is that it? you're only interested in tawdry commercial accounts. i don't think darrin meant -- don't apologize for him, larry. but in view of his personality, i don't see how we can possibly put the mayor's image in the hands of this agency. frank! frank, i-i'll call you! why did you do that? do what? why did you rub him the wrong way? i didn't, larry. you heard him. he was the one who got out of line. the client never gets out of line. for some reason or other, he just took an instant dislike to me. loathed you is the way i'd put it.

[ sighs ] [ door closes ] mr. stephens? mr. stephens, there's someone here to see you. hmm? that model mr. tate wanted you to interview for the baldwin blanket account -- who? is something wrong, mr. stephens? wrong? uh, what, uh... what's wrong about me? oh, nothing, sir. nothing's wrong with you as far as i'm concerned. would you please send in the model? yes, sir. miss adams? thank you. hello, mr. stephens. i'm gloria adams. the summit model agency sent me. it's nice to meet you, miss adams.

t-t-the nightgown's a very good idea, but i don't think it's necessary. [ ding! ] [ bell rings ] you mean you want to see more of me? oh, no! no! i-i-i just mean you come highly recommended, and i'm sure you've had a great deal of experience. and what do you mean by that crack? uh, nothing at all! i mean, you've had a great deal of experience modeling. yes. that's -- that's very lovely. i'm sure you'll do nicely. do what? nothing! here. let me help you. don't you dare touch me! come on, miss adams. i'm a happily married man. oh, that is what they all say.

wow. i just don't understand it, larry. neither do i. why don't you take the afternoon off and talk to someone who might? like who? like bob farnsworth. the psychiatrist?! now, just a minute, larry! bob's okay as an occasional golf partner, but i just don't swing with this head-shrinking jazz! don't be medieval, darrin. you need psychiatric first aid. what i need max can handle! max? he's my favorite bartender. even the door hates me. another one, mr. stephens? no, max. nothing's going to help. nobody likes me. yeah? how come? down, down, down [imitates crash] personality crack-up.

yesterday. shut up, harry. you sure nobody likes you? they loathe me, the whole world. hey, pal. you know what? yeah, we know. yesterday you went to philadelphia. and it was closed. okay, now beat it. don't bother mr. stephens. it's all right, max. let him stay. i need a friend. boy, you are in a bad way. washed up. my boss even tried to send me to a psychiatrist. aw, you don't need a "psycho-diatrist," buddy boy. clam up, harry. what do you know about it? last year i started going to a psychiatrist about my drinking. are you still going? no, i gave him up.

beat it, harry. who needs you, you crumb? you see, max? even him. oh, don't pay any attention to that bum. everybody treats me like that. yeah? well, there's got to be a reason. maybe your boss was right. maybe you got one of them complexes. does it show that much? well, i don't know. i ain't no skull doctor. you think i need one, too. well, it can't hurt.

darrin! darrin, you're being rained on. mother! mother! [ ding! ] at your beck and call, darling. shh! ooh! there he is. doesn't he look all fresh and dewy? just turn it off!

mother, why? he made you cry. oh, moth-- endora, this is absolutely the last... time that -- daddy. mmm. yes, sweetheart. this is daddy. are you trying to do? i didn't do a thing! [ gasps ] tabitha! he must be in the nursery. phyllis: samantha, is that darrin? mother, quickly. toodle-oo. [ ding! ] samantha, didn't i just hear darrin's voice? darrin? no. he always uses the front door. that's funny. i could have sworn -- that is tabitha's voice.

that's peculiar. i know i heard darrin's voice, but i didn't hear tabitha's voice. oh, darrin! what's going on? shh. your mother and father think you haven't come in yet. well, if you're talking about the way normal people go in and out, i haven't. your mother also thinks we've had a fight. we have! no, i mean a big fight. now, what you have to do is go back outside and make an entrance ight. i'm not sure that it is. is your mother gone? yes. darrin, please. how can i go outside and make an entrance when my daughter won't let me go 10 feet away? darrin, is that you? oh! in the closet -- quick. samantha, i'm sure i just heard darrin's voice. isn't he here? here? oh, mrs. stephens, you must be imagining it. samantha, ever since we arrived,

now, i know i heard darrin's voice. tabitha, look who's here. grandmother stephens. well, what do you think of her? oh, my, she has grown. do you remember me, darling? [ darrin sneezes ] daddy. no, no! you mustn't do that. what did the child do? well, uh, she didn't finish her nap. you know how important it is for children to get their sleep. she heard something in that closet, and so did i. [ ding! ] i'm beginning to feel like a yo-yo. a soaking-wet yo-yo. i'll be right down, mrs. stephens. well, i'll be there. sam, this is ridiculous! shh.

it's been a nightmare ever since your parents arrived. well, we'll be out of it soon, darling. you just pop me outside, and i'll make an entrance that'll make romeo and juliet look like cool acquaintances. ooh, you really are drenched. you better let me zap you into some dry clothes. oh, never mind! there's been enough zapping going on around here today. i'll change myself. as soon as you're ready, i'll have to pop you outside. no! yeah, i guess you better. okay, hurry up. [ chuckles ] must be like kissing a minnow. [ doorbell rings ] maybe that's darrin. does he usually ring the bell at his own door? oh, mother, go away! i finished early, dear, so i thought i'd drop by to see how things were going. oh! oh, you're still here, i see.

you came back, too, endora, because i have something to say to samantha that i want you to hear. by all means. i wouldn't miss this for the world. frank and i think that samantha and darrin are having difficulties because you've been intruding too much on their lives. oh? you think so too, frank? [ chuckles ] it doesn't matter what he thinks. i'm speaking for darrin. that's nice, because he often has difficulty speaking for himself. you see, that's exactly what i mean. you're constantly criticizing my son to samantha. derwood needs no criticism from me. what's wrong with him is for the whole world to see. there is nothing wrong with my son. but if samantha has allowed you to influence her, then i would say the trouble is with her. [ ding! ] samantha, dear, this discussion is for your benefit.

sam, where are -- there you are! oh, sweetheart! i missed you! you look gorgeous. samantha: thank you. is that a new dress? no, no, i've had it for months. well, you make it look new! mom, pop! it's good to see you! doesn't she look terrific? great. you look fine, too, darrin. thanks, pop. mom, you look younger every time i see you! endora, sweetheart! it was so nice of you to drop in while the folks are here. this has all the earmarks of a put-up job. you see, everything's just fine. your mother had some cockeyed notion that things weren't going so well between you and sam. [ chuckles ] darrin, are you sure? i told you it was all your imagination. mrs. stephens, i have an excellent idea. why don't you go upstairs and bring tabitha down? i think she's napped enough. uh, sam --

imagining things. they're both trying to cover up. i know what i saw. are you sure you know what you're doing? she still doesn't believe me. i'm gonna have to convince her that you can't always believe what you think you see. mother, would you care to join me in a little tactical witchcraft? with pleasure. come to grandmother, sweetie.

shall we join the gentlemen? oh, what a shame. i was having such fun. i'll take the tea things out and start dinner. how about a drink, pop? good idea. honey? i'd love one. no, thank you. oh, samantha, darrin. i want to apologize to you both. you were right. my imagination's been playing tricks on me. but i'm delighted it was me instead of a real battle between you two. mrs. stephens. she must be tired after her long journey. poor dear. daddy. it's all right, honey! daddy's right here. oh, she really loves her daddy, doesn't she?

samantha, the dinner was absolutely delicious. you're a marvelous cook. oh, thank you, mrs. stephens. i'm so glad you liked it. and, endora, i must compliment you, too. i'm sure you taught samantha most of what she knows. well, i try, but she doesn't like my methods. [ laughing ] oh, mother! really? now, isn't that the way with children? but you and i must swap recipes. i have one for a perfectly divine sponge cake. uh, pop, your fork. you dropped your fork. did you s-see that? what? that apple -- it floated right over to her. oh, frank, for heaven's sake. what a silly thing to say. now you're imagining things. yeah, maybe i am. but i could have sworn that --

-- captions by vitac -- man [on tv]: there goes the capsule into the water now. less than two miles from the recovery ship's position. helicopters are on their way to pick them up. and in just a few minutes, we will give you your first look at the returning astronauts. mmm! i cannot wait! [giggles] we're home. on our next flight, let's ask for a stewardess. welcome home, master. jeannie, what are you doing? if you do not know, i must be doing it wrong. you've gotta get outta here! they're gonna open up the capsule. not for a minute. look. tony: will you, jeannie--? cut it out, will you? man [on tv]: the helicopters are approaching the capsule.

roger: hey, look at that. that's us. oh, i missed you so much, master. well, i missed you too. let's talk about it some other time. will you go home now? [pounding on capsule] they're here. everything all right in there? oh, yes, everything is lovely!

you tell your insurance company they made a mistake. the check they sent isn't enough to replace your totaled new car. the guy says they didn't make the mistake. you made the mistake. full-car replacement. excuse me? let me be frank, he says. you picked the wrong insurance plan. no. i picked the wrong insurance company. with liberty mutual new car replacement?, we'll replace the full value of your car plus depreciation. call 1-844-756-4653. and if you have more than one liberty mutual policy, you qualify for a multi-policy discount,

utual for a free quote today. at 1-844-756-4653. that's 1-844-756-4653. liberty stands with you? liberty mutual insurance. master, what time are we supposed to be at the press banquet tonight? well, the dinner starts at 7, but... uh, we're not gonna be there, jeannie. you're not going. no, uh-uh. one blink from you and they'd put me back up in space permanently. but, master-- master, please. what if i promise from this moment on not to use any of my power? ahem. you'd forget. oh, no, i would not.

please, master, i would not forget. you see. huh? [gasps] i forgot. oh, but i would not this evening. i would be very careful-- no, i'm sorry, jeannie. it just wouldn't work out. honestly. uh, you and i will have dinner together tomorrow night. just the two of us, okay? very well, master. i'll see you later. wait, master! [chuckling] jeannie, i'm late. master, i have a wonderful idea. yeah? what if i transferred my power for 24 hours? then you would not have to worry about me tonight. transferred your power? uh, could you do that? oh, of course. yeah? i will show you. [magic boings] there. it is done. are you sure? oh, yes, master. i will prove it to you. i will try to blink you to work. okay. well, i'm still here. [laughs] okay, young lady. you-- you got a deal.

i can't tell you how relieved i am not to have to worry about you tonight. aw. see you then. wait until my master finds out who i have transferred my power to. [squeals] mmm. [motor sputters] [sighs] having a little trouble, pedro? heh. no, se?or nelson. i'm having a lot of trouble. this mower, she no good no more. yeah, well, keep trying. it'll start. [motor starts] you're right! yeah, well, from the sound of it, it's more powerful than my car. [chuckling] yeah. [screams]

stop! [women scream] uh, well, hang on just a second. let me see. it's, uh, colonel cochran. he has a couple of aunts in from denver, and they wanna meet some real live astronauts. wants to have lunch with us in the commissary. no, thanks. um, i'm sorry, sir, uh, i don't think we can make it today. yeah-- well, we're really up to our ears in paperwork. yeah. what happened? it's the craziest thing i've ever see-- no, oh, not-- not you, colonel. [chuckling] no. uh, i'm sorry we can't come. roger and i send our apologies. yes, sir. g-goodbye. oh, major nelson, here are the reports on-- you're up to your ears in papers. you noticed that too, sir. major, why are you up to your ears in papers?

roger: we're cleaning out the files, sir. the window was open, and it blew all the papers all over. yeah, that's right. we're 40 feet below ground level. there are no windows here. the air conditioner-- uh, no, actually, what-- uh, please. what do you suppose really happened? jeannie, that's what happened. let's get outta here. you told me that she gave up her power for 24 hours. yeah, but she lied. and just for that, i'm not gonna take her tonight. she's gonna be pretty upset. she's gonna be upset? look at this mess. aw, don't worry, i'll help you with it. thanks, roge, you're a brick. roger? roger, is this you? roge? speak to me, will ya? major nelson. yes? who are you talking to? uh, oh, no-- no one, sir. no one. nothing. um...

that'd be ridiculous, sir. oh, would it? it's just a normal, everyday, run-of-the-mill brick. it's-- what happened to major healey? major who? oh, major healey. oh, yeah, he was around here some-- i-- i'll see you both in my office in 10 minutes. dr. bellows? uh, yes? may i have my brick? oh, yes. here we are. [yells] there's no need to get so excited. after all, it's only a brick, major, you said so yourself. uh, yes, sir. yes, sir. but i need it as a paperweight for all the paper because of the wind and the window. [chuckling] you know. no, i don't know. but i will, major. i will. all right, jeannie, now that is enough. i want roger back in his original form.

[yawning] oh, hi, tony, what happened? you were a baby. i mean recently. well, jeannie turned you into a brick. a what? would you get down, please? i'm sorry. i'm sorry. yeah-- turned me into a brick? that's right. and i've had it, man. look at this place. will you just look at it? i've had it! right up to-- well, we've done that. jeannie, i want this place cleaned up. she doesn't do things halfway, does she? i don't know what's gotten into her. uh-- jeannie, i want this equipment back right now. ow! boy, she is playful today, isn't she? jeannie, would you please go home and stop this? you know, this is not like her, roger. she was really-- had her heart set on-- on going to that dinner tonight. jeannie! or maybe you scared her into going home. huh? oh--

[ringing] [deep voice] major nelson's residence. uh, jeannie? [normal voice] oh, master, i am so glad that you called. i did not want to disturb you at work, and i-- you wouldn't wanna disturb me at work? what have you been doing? well, i have been cooking. and, you know, i have discovered that without my power i am a terrible cook. jeannie, look-- i have ruined three cakes. tsk. i am sorry, master. you made me a promise, jeannie. i know. wait until you see the dress i am going to wear tonight. hmm. i am afraid i had to buy it at a department store. well, you can just take it back because you're not going tonight. but you promised that you would take me with you tonight. yeah, on condition that you wouldn't use your magic, remember? i remember, and i have not--

[line clicks] master? master? master! ooh! disaster area? oh! you were-- you were kinda rough on her, weren't you? sometimes you have to be, roge. that's the only way she'll understand. yeah. boy, imagine her turning me into a brick. whew. [chuckling] yeah. yeah. oh, it's-- it's amazing, a girl have all that wonderful power and have absolutely no idea how to use it constructively. [inaudible dialogue] run out of gas, will ya!? it is out of gas! [yells] look out!

what? oh, i was just thinking out loud. if i had jeannie's power, i could solve the problems of the whole world. there's probably nothing i couldn't do. yeah, a chateau with a swimming pool and a lot of beautiful girls in bikinis sitting around it. that's not exactly what i had in mind. you stick to your dreams, and i'll stick to mine. it's gonna be a scorcher today, you know that? i wish it would rain. ah, not a chance, the weatherman says it-- it's raining. it couldn't be raining. the sun's out. it's probably one of those freak tropical storms, huh? yeah. bellows: major nelson. oh, hi, doctor. we were just on our way over to see you. what? it's raining on you. yes, sir. well, yes, it's raining on everybody. well, i-- well, almost everybody.

bellows: all right, gentlemen. now, i just want you to say anything that comes into your mind. i'd like to get outta here. i beg your pardon. well, you said,

a satisfactory explanation. uh, well, there's really nothing to explain, sir. we-- uh, this morning, i found you literally up to your ears in paper. oh, yes, well, i, uh-- we explained that. roger said the wind, remember? major, there was no wind. he's got you there. thanks, roge. a few minutes later, i walked into your office and you were holding a conversation with a brick. oh, i can explain that, sir. that was me. roger. that was i? uh, sir, i was just speaking out loud. i was trying to work out one of my problems. oh, and now we're getting somewhere. what, uh, is your problem, major nelson? ahem. the inversion temperature at which silver iodide becomes effective, sir. i beg your pardon. uh, we're trying to create artificial rain, and we seed the air with silver iodide. yeah, and it worked too, didn't it? yeah. you mean you're able to make it rain only on you?

oh, never mind, never mind. that'll be all today, gentlemen. well, doc, thanks for the use of the couch. yeah. thanks. oh, and, major nelson. yes, sir? i just want you to know that you're not deceiving me. oh, i don't wish to deceive you, sir. you'd be surprised how much better you'd feel if you'd unburden yourself. well, believe me, doctor, i-- i wish i could unload my problem on you. [magic boings] but i don't know what it is. uh, will that be all, sir? that'll be all for now. thank you, sir. jeannie. oh, master, i tried to call you back-- what's the matter with you anyway? who? what is the matter with me? yeah, you genies are all alike. promises, promises, promises. when it comes to delivery, nothing, absolutely nothing. what are you talking about? today, today. all these tricks you've been-- you've been driving me crazy with these tricks-- let's finish up the dictation over here, miss.

but i have done nothing. i-- i told you i transferred my power. oh, sure, you did. sure, you did. you transferred your power. to you. to me. to me?! you transferred your power to me? yes, master. y-you mean i did it? you did what, master? everything. uh-- tons of paper in the room and-- and changing roger into a brick. [giggles] [laughs] now, uh, jeannie, you should have told me. i could have gotten somebody in terrible trouble. but everything is all right now, master? yeah, everything's just great. help! there are no limits to this power, are there? oh, no, master, but you must be very careful of what you say. [chuckling] yeah, now you tell me. what are you going to do? i don't really know. i'm going to have to give it some thought, jeannie. i could, uh-- i could stop a war. flood the sahara. wipe out the common cold.

well, that's very kind of you but... with a power like mine, i don't really need your advice, jeannie. i could put an apollo capsule on the moon. master. hmm? please be careful. it is not as easy as it seems. it-- what do you mean? well, your world is very complicated. if you stop one war, you're liable to start 10 others. and if you flood the sahara, you may empty an ocean. oh, believe me, master, it would be much better i think you'd better run along, jeannie. let me handle this. after all, it's man's work. when i was doing it, it was woman's work. yeah-- ahem. just go on home, that's a good girl. mm-mm. i-- i-- i do not want to leave you. [clears throat] well, let's put it this way: i'm not asking you to go home, i'm telling you, or better yet, i wish you to go home. you're still here. what--? what's wrong? yes.

wer, didn't you? oh, yes, master. you did not give it to someone else, did you? well, how could i have? i didn't even know i had it. i remember five minutes ago, i said to dr. bellows, i wish i could unload my problems on you. oh, master. oh, dr. bellows. has the painter arrived yet? oh, good. how do you like the new color? oh, it looks wonderful. i was absolutely right about the green. the green? i thought we agreed the house was going to be yellow? no, dear, it's going to be green. amanda, we discussed this, and i told the painter we were going to use yellow. i want the house painted yellow. amanda: now-- now don't be unreasonable. darling, it has to be green. it matches my new green outfit.

all right, darling, let's say we compromise. very well. green and yellow. [amanda speaking indistinctly] what time will i see you tonight, dear? all right, bye. bye. [knocking on door] come in. dr. bellows. yes? is everything all right, sir? well, of course everything is all right, why wouldn't it be all right? uh, nothing's happening, huh? happening? n-nothing strange or anything like that? i don't know what you're talking about. [chuckling] well... good. good. then i-- these are all in order, dr. bellows. oh, uh, thank you, major healey. now if there's nothing else, gentlemen, i, uh-- i'd like to get on and finish my speech for the press conference tonight. oh, uh, i'm introducing you. oh, i really don't think you ought to go to that, sir. not go? well, anything could happen.

you're going to have to be very careful of what you say, sir. well, i know what i'm going to say, major. "ladies and gentlemen, "i make my small contribution to the space program "behind a desk. "but like everyone else, in my heart i wish i could trade places with major anthony nelson." hmm. what--? what happened? we changed places. no, i just moved a little, sir. moved a little? you were standing-- why don't you run along? uh, doctor, i really don't think you ought to go, sir. but i saw-- i'm going. and i'm going to make my speech tonight. now let's just say that this is the table-- well, it's the speakers' table where we'll be sitting tonight. ladies and gentlemen-- if you say so, sir. if you say so? look at that.

yeah, i can see it as plain as day. it is a banquet table, i-- i can feel it. i can smell the food. i've never had an experience like this. well, you're a psychiatrist, sir, you know how powerful the subconscious can be. you could get rid of the table if you wanted to. i could? tony: all you have to do is say i wish the table was gone. i wish the table would go away. and i wish my desk was back. and i wish my desk was back. it's back! excuse me. boy, have i got a powerful subconscious. it was never gone, sir. it was all in your mind. all in my mind. yes, sir. you wish i had your problem. i wish you had my problem. [magic boings] will somebody please tell me what's going on!?

is the happiest man in the world.

you about ready, jeannie? tsk. oh, i am sorry, master, but i am having a terrible time with my hair. i simply do not how to use these silly things. well, don't worry about it, your hair will be beautiful. oh, you did that very well, master. thank you.

well, i told you it was not easy. yeah. well... i won't have the problem of not letting any magic loose all over the place. [chuckles] that is very simple. simply do not talk. well, it's not as simple as all that. i mean, it's a press dinner, they're gonna be asking a lot of questions. i wish i could get through the evening without uttering a single word. [inaudible dialogue] [laughs] i think you've solved your problem, master. [giggles] [clears throat] testing, one, two, three, four. [both laugh] i just have to be careful. don't worry about a thing, i won't make any mistakes. yes, master. let's go. [sighs] hey! hey, pedro! stop, stop. say, you shouldn't work so late, you're gonna ruin your health. working? it's the lawn mower. well, i wouldn't worry about that,

well, let's go to the banquet. major... yes, master. are you in good condition? yes, sir. wrong! and you. wall-to-wall flab. what do you say to 50 quick pushups? if you are... just speak right up. oh-ho-ho... too , huh?l righ we'll try something else. now, watch. watch my hand. watch. [grunts, yells] see what i mean? see what i did? well...you saw it. you're dead. i just killed you, and you didn't defend yourselves. well, we're at attention, sir. [mockingly] "at attention, sir."

proved my point. these men are survival-soft. their animal instinct... of kill or be killed... has been ruined... by their easy living. hm. we've received the finest astronaut training, sir. i think that, uh-- kindergarten junk! that's right. i... i am gonna teach you how to survive. punishment training. pain! pain! pain, going past suffering... into the valley of agony. that's right. now, what do you say to a quick 10-mile run? and after that, you'll come back here, and we'll have three hours of special exercises. a-- a 10-mile run and three hours, sir? that's right, major.

s] ...we'll start the hard stuff. okay? right face! double-quick... marc move it, move it, move it! [blows whistle] move it, move it, move it, move it! move it, move it, move it! he's trying to kill us. yeah. healey! yeah? oh, okay. time. [groans] he's trying to kill us. kill us? see it in his eyes. he was testing us. trying to kill us. but he couldn't break us down. we won, don't you see? yeah. oh, that's good. ten minutes ago, i thought i died. let's get out of here. where are you going? [gasps] who said school was out? oh, well, sir, you said-- you said we could leave after three hours of exercise.

you're not through yet. here. try these on. [sighs] i think there's a mistake. somebody, uh, put lead in the pockets. [laughs] it's a mistake. there's lead in the pockets. no, major. it's not lead. it's sand. a hundred and fifty pounds of sand sewn into the lining of each jacket. oh, you look marvelous. do with these sand dunes now that we got 'em on? what do you think you do with 150 pounds of sand on your back? run. uphill. now, move! move, move! [blows whistle] move it, move it, move it! let's go! let's move it!

[???]

oh, master. [giggles] d jor healey. i almost tho you h forgotten our date tonight. you are very late. you promised. i know. jeannie, i'd love to take you for, uh, d-dancing, but-- oh, thank you! no. [groans] what--? what happene you may not believe this, roger, but i think we're going dancing. yes. come alon let's go. oh, wait. oh, oh-oh-- come on. [laughs] no. [??] oh, this is such fun. are you enjoying yourself, major healey? major healey? are you enjoying yourself? yes, i'm enjoying myself. oh. well, i-if you are too tired, we can go home. no, i'm not too tired. i-i w-- i don't want to go home. [giggles] master?

master, wake up. wake up. master. [giggles] peek-a-b oo. wake up. thank you, armand. i think you'll like this place, commander. the, uh, music's a bit on the loud side, but the food is superb. hm. good. after breaking down the men, i always have a good appetite. wake up. wake up. [groans] [???] look who's here.

it's fabulous, doc. you know, i've had to hold up my training program, because i couldn't get men strong enough to get the full treatment. but with nelson and healey, starting tomorrow, i'll be able to give them the works. the works? everything. my secret plan. oh, master, you should have told me that commander kiski made you work out so hard. ahh! mm. i would not have allowed you to go dancing. [groans] the dancing was the easy part. i slept through most of that. do you suppose it's possible to sprain skin? ohh! oh. well, let's hobble along with ather day of fun and games with killer kiski. oh, but he will hurt you again. ah, no, no. he won't be so rough on us today. no, these physical fitness guys all work the same way. they murder you the first day,

[telephone rings] ah, jeannie. ah. ah. hello? major nelson here. oh. yes, commander kiski. yes, sir. ye-- all right. all right. well, what's wrong? we're to report to staging area f, pick up our winter field uniforms. area f in our winter uniforms? are you kidding? it's 100 degrees there. hundred and one. kiski checked. master, please let me help you. no, i'll-- i'll take care of it. sponsibility. tsk. yeah, it's not like in school, where your mother writes you an excuse. roge, giddyup. an excuse from mother? mm. i don't care what nelson says. he and healey can't drink the water. now you tell those two softies to get over here on the doub.

hello. what did--? how did you get in here? oh, i brought you a note from major nelson's mother. a-and one from major healey's, too. you'll have to excuse them from any me, uh, exercises. notes from their mothers? what are you, some sort of weird cocktail waitress? oh. please read the notes. oh. i get it. you're either a girlfriend of nelson or healey's, d you're trying to come over here and help them get out of some of those hard, nasty jobs. oh, believe me, i'm not doing that. mm, yeah. i know. it's women like you that love to smother guys. protect 'em, keep 'em soft. oh, i just want to see-- i've seedames like you. you ruin 'em with your cuddling. i know. my aunt effie tried to do it to me. hm. every day, i remember, "eat your cottage cheese, francis." "drink your milkie, francis." "don't forget to wear your rubber hat, francis." egh-yuck.

if i didn't get away from he she would have made a sissy out of me. but i'm not gonna let your pals get away. not till i make 'em as hard as steel. i do not think your aunt effie would like the way you treat them. her? she'd have them sitting under a tree eating blueberry pie. oh, that is nice. oh, yeah? well, you get--! [giggles] your aunt effie is a much nicer person. --out of here, because i don't really care. major healey and major nelson, sir. major healey and major nelson? i told you not to ask for water. he'll kill us. attention! okay, you guys. now, i'm... oh, i'm-- i'm awfully sorry, boys. forgive me. oh, my goodness. have mercy on you. you shouldn't be dressed in these hot outfits on a day like this. it's ridiculous. take off those clothes. really, boys. i don't want to see you suffer. you should be able to relax and enjoy, and be nice and cool.

here. have a drink of water, there. don't drink it. it's a trick. hey, listen, fellas. i have an idea. you ought to get into some shorts and sit under a nice, cool tree. [laughs] i'll get you some pie. do you like blueberry pie? it's delicious with cold milk. you go ahead and rest here, and i'll go see about the pie, okay, fellas? ah. drink, enjoy. you're marvelous. wonderful boys. it's so drab in here. ghten it up a little bit. chintz would-- would make it so beautiful. chintz? in a tent? chintz? it's a plot. he's going to poison the pie. it's a trick. why would he wanna poison the pie? if it's not a trick,

would you say noo a lore money? [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! to no e vacation days? janet, i giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi

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boys? boys. oh. there you are. there you are. hurry up, boys. it's naughty to be a slowpoke. what am i saying? don't go with him. he's trying to get us lost. just like hansel and gretel. i know he's acting kind of peculiar, but thatie s delicious. [laughs] oh. my, the air out here is wonderful. yeah. are you comfortable, master? kiski's gonna be back minute. yeah, with more pie. i couldn't eat another bite. oh, i'm glad you two are getting along so well with him. well, he's not such a bad guy once you know him. kiski: major! oh, come on, jeannie. out, out. oh. yes, master. have a nice day. yeah-- really, now... now-- oh. come on. major! [mumbles] hey! there you are. yeah.

our easels? certainly. on a glorious day like today, there's nothing like a good paint. good paint? well, you go right ahead. we-- we'll be there. well, uh, ahem, you set up the easels. oh, easels. yes. yes. yes. i had a counselor like that when i was a kid in summer camp. eh-- what happened? the camp nurse sent him home early. kiski: boys, painting time! easy. take it easy. where's commander kiski? uh, he's on a, uh... nature hike, sir. i'll call him for you.

hello. general: kiski? this is general powlett. oh, hello,eneral powlett. how are you, sir? lovely day, isn't it? uh... excuse me a moment, general. uh, tony... yeah? yours is very good... but your bunny's all wrong. your bunny should have big, floppy ears and a tiny, fluffy tail. it's an elm tree. ohyeah. heh. and a lovely tree it is. uh, roger, yours is very good, too. [laughs] very excellent. [chuckles] are you out of your mind? floppy ears and fluffy tail? what did you do to kiski? well, all i did was take him notes from your mothers to excuse you fromhe exercises-- i-- i don't want to hear anymore. well, he did not even read the notes. all he did was talk about his swee little old aunt effie who used to make him drink milk and-- and baked him blueberry pies. and--

yeah-- jeannie, you shouldn't have interfered. you can't-- i will not let him work you so hard. but you can't-- right back to-- hey, i didn't know that kiski had an aunt effie. i thought his only relative was the creature from the black lagoon. oh, funny. that's funny. well, how about the monster that stepped on cincinnati? [chuckles] roger. all right, men, we're nearing the drop zone. this will be a survival exercise under conditions of maximum hazard. please... be careful. under no circumstances will you permit yourselves to be captured. is that clear? yes, sir. good luck, gentlemen. ready, sir. all right. stand up. hook up. ah. kiski: roger. button up your collar. it's drafty outside.

[sensor buzzes] go! well, me on, aunt effie. here we go. jump. [yells] aunt effie? he called him aunt effie. oh. yes, sir. it's a term we use when we jump out of a plane. uh, like "geronimo." aunt effie! aunt effie? any sign of kiski? yes. he parachuted right in the middle of the enemy camp. you're kiddi. yeah. and we're on trong side of the river. you mean we're i eny territory?

hey. [laughs] did someone call? oh. jeannie. here. there's-- jeannie, we are in emy territory. they've got kiski. do you have any idea what they're gonna do to him at-- at headquarters if he arrives in his condition, huh? anyway, this whole area's surrounded by enemy patrols. get us out of here, quick. yeah. well, i thought you'd never ask. well, i had them spotted for a moment, sir, but they seem to have disappeared. well, i don't know, sir. they were there just a moment ago but, well, they're gone. --don't, sir. i-- tony: we're back on the plane. yes. now you can jump on the right side of the river. no. jeannie, don't you understand?

-- ahh! come on, major healey. hey, wait a minute. you haven't got a parachute. yeah. yes. isn't that exciting? aunt effie! [mouths] aunt effie. all right. sentry's spotted two more parachutes on this side of the river. uh, i'll cover this sector. you blindfold the prisoner. take him to headquters. untie me. i'll scratch your eyes out! move. the prisoner got away, sir. hop in. we'll catch him. they've been reported where, general? right there.

sible. don't ask me to explain it, doctor, but i know that they helped kiski escape, and somehow commandeered an enemy vehicle. blue squadron has got 'em trapped in box canyon. [telephone rings] general powlett. what? well, they've got to be there. are you sure? they got out. now, how did kiski do that? but you said there was no way out, sir. there was one way. straight up. thanks for the ride, jeannie. oh, you are very welcome, master. wait a minute, wait a minute. what are we gonna do with our fearless leader? untie me, you rotten boys. untie me. blink him back to normal. oh, but master, he is so mean. yeah. well, i know that, but i-it's his career, jeannie.

, master. go on. i'm not kidding. you never let me have any fun. jeannie? [screams] ah! [screams] hold on. you untie him. take off his blindfold, and i'll take this off. [screams] whoa, maybe we better just take off the blindfold. wait a minute. you meat-headed, goldbricking, jet jockeys! i'm gonna break you-- gee, sir. uh, sir. can you walk? sure, i can walk! what are you? you got us through that survival mission without a scratch. help him, roger. he's weak. yeah, you were an inspiration to both of us. don't you remember, sir? well, of course he doesn't remember. he struck his head on that rock, trying to save your life. i did? on the survival course? steady. whoa. take it easy. i'm perfectly all right. i'm perfectly all right. all right. just leave me alone. whoa. le-- let me down. you and healey? on the survival course? i did? we'll tell you all about it before general powlett gets here. okay. okay. but just-- just help me. i-- i don't feel too good. i don't know how you did it.

[???] and so, gentlemen, because of your miraculous, and in my view, highly suspicious success, headquarters has decided to abandon commander ski's program. abandon it, sir? well, if it were such a success, why-- why do they want to abandon it? because we feel that you had already been superbly conditioned as astronauts. punishment. uh, from now on, it's, uh, easy living, huh? however, headquarters feels that it's vital to maintain your fine conditioning. and to that end, they have assigned a permanent physical instructor. you soft-bellied lounge lizards. this is where i remove the fat from your frame. right. put that down! now get moving. what are you standing here for? [blows whistle]

marshmallows. ho-ho. you guys, move it! [blows whistle] ? green acres is the place to be ? ? farm livin' is the life for me ? ? land spreadin' out so far and wide ? ? keep manhattan, just give me that countryside ? ? new york is where i'd rather stay ? ? i get allergic smelling hay ? ? i just adore a penthouse view ? ? darling, i love you, but give me park avenue ? ? the chores ? ? the stores ?