nick? hi, it's me. do you want to get some tacos? captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc. ? donny hathaway: ? lady godiva was a freedom rider ? women: ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she didn't care if the whole world looked ? ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she was a sister who really cooked ? ? ooh ooh... ? ? isadora was the first bra burner ? ? ain't you glad she showed up? ? ? oh, yeah ? ? and when the country was fallin' apart ? ? betsy ross got it all sewed up ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's ? ? that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ?

unfair? walter, what would you say about a man who when his wife leans over to kiss him good morning says, "not now, not before i've had my coffee." please, maude. this is not a movie. when robert redford wakes up and leans over and kisses barbra streisand before he's had his coffee, he's only doing it because they're paying him a million dollars. a million dollars for robert redford? money well spent. v-8 juice, sir-- starts the day with that extra little morning dash. i've already had my morning dash. yeah, right past me. my, isn't he in a bloody awful mood? mrs. naugatuck, you'll have to excuse mr. findlay. i woke up on the wrong side of his bed this morning. no, mum, if there's a man in your room, there is no wrong side of the bed.

is would be without women. yeah, it would be worth it

oh hello, carol. hello, vivian. good-bye, vivian. and burn the joy of sex for mother. oh, carol, i've read the joy of sex. if you're gonna burn it, memorize it first. ha ha ha ha! oh, maude! what a glorious day. you'll just never guess how arthur woke me up this morning. vivian, whatever he did, i don't want to hear about it. oh. ha ha ha! well, first, he kissed me. and then,

and he whispered... ( panting ) "testing, one, two, three." a-ha ha ha! i see, the famous panasonic hi-fi stereo upchuck test. and then, he put the other end to his heart, and he said, "do you hear that beat, cutlet? that's the beat of love." ( high-pitched scream ) so then what happened? oh, then he said for me to pack a few things because he's got us a cabin at lake george for the weekend. ( snap ) just like that, out of the blue. isn't that marvelous? oh, it's marvelous, viv. so i was wondering if i could borrow your old mackinaw to take along? though i probably won't be needing it, of course, with arthur to keep me warm. oh! oh!

oh, he just-- he just makes me tingly, tingly, tingle... when he ups and does something like this on the spur of the moment. although i guess it's just part of being newlyweds. oh, come on, vivian you're hardly newlyweds. your ring finger's already turned green. oh, yeah. you know that bearskin rug in the den? you're kidding, viv. why do you think the bear is smiling? ha, ha, ha! well, thanks for the coat. uh, have a wonderful time, viv. oh! thank you. you have a wonderful time, too. doing whatever it is you cozy, comfy old marrieds do. i'm just so tingly. ha, ha, ha! oh, where have we gone wrong?! where have we lost our way?

look at us, walter. look at us. all the joy, the spontaneity and the excitement is out of our marriage. walter, we don't even own a bearskin rug. you won't let me keep a gun in the house. walter, don't you see? our marriage has become warm, safe, secure. right. and boring, walter. boring, boring, boring! we have not one single tingle left in our marriage. please, maude. oh, walter, honey, remember you use to put on that corny straw hat and play that hokey ukulele and sing, ? yes, sir, that's my baby, no, sir... ? maude, you always hated it when i did that. i know. how come you don't do it anymore? but, maude-- no, you come home now, i say i love you, you grunt, take off your shoes, and check the tv guide. i mean, walter we don't even talk to each other anymore. okay, maude, let's talk. how'd it go today?

i tried. oh, darling, don't you see what's happened to us? walter, our lifestyle is so--so dull, so monotonous so--so predictable. it is not predictable. that's exactly what i predicted you'd say. come on, maude. walter, doesn't it bother you that there are people our ages, who--who still have romance in their marriages like--like our next door neighbors? the greenblatts are romantic? i'm not talking about the greenblatts, walter. i'm talking about arthur and viv. you know how arthur woke viv this morning? he stuck his stethoscope in her ears, and whispered sweet nothings.

sorry. you know what else arthur did? he told vivian to pack a bag because on an impulse, he got them a cabin up at lake george for the weekend. come on, maude. that wasn't any impulse. i mean, you know, arthur. chances are somebody gave him a key to their cabin. yeah, but walter, let me ask you something. if somebody had given you the key, would you have gone up there, just like that? (snap) of course. like that. (snap) honest, maude. i'd come home, tell you to throw a few things together and we'd go off and spend the weekend in each other's arms. honey, do you really mean it? of course i do. ohh. ha ha ha. you're tickling my ear. ha ha ha. i love your ear. oh, walter. i'm so sorry... your neck. that i yelled at you.

hey, listen, i just wanted to stop by before we go, walter, and thank you old buddy for giving me that key to the cabin. he gave you that key? oh, hi, maudie. sure, didn't he tell you? see, this business acquaintance of his offered him the use of this neat cabin. thanks a lot, arthur. o use it, good old walter passed the key along to me. thanks. wait a minute, maude. now wait a minute. now let me explain. look, about that key-- you know what you can do with that key walter? ( snap ) just like that. wait, look. you can do the exact same thing with that stethoscope of yours, arthur. wait a minute, walter. i don't understand. why are you attacking my stethoscope? because you have a big mouth! now look, maude and i are going along with you two

ld it. hold it. now wait a minute, walter, heh, heh. i'm not at all sure how vivian would feel about that. i couldn't care less. if she's unhappy, we'll go alone! forget it, walter. in the mood you're in, i wouldn't go anywhere with you alone! maude? i have something very important to do. but, maude. wait, this is something that can't wait. yes, i'm calling on behalf of ma and pa findlay. come on, maude. all right now, you wanted spontaneity? i'll give you spontaneity. guess what? we're going with the harmons up to that cabin. that's about as spontaneous as gas after a mexican meal. maude--

i mean, the woman is planning on an exciting, romantic weekend alone with arthur. which in itself will be enough of a disappointment. maude, how could you? come on now, honey. i had nothing to-- don't you call yourself my best friend. trying to ruin my weekend! vivian, i had no intention-- oh, you interloper! you don't even like rustic places. you know you hate any place away from the city. you told me once when your time comes, you want to buried in a shopping center. you listen to me, vivian! you have no right to ruin my weekend. just because you and walter might happen to be a couple of old fogies. now wait a minute, vivian. old fogies? vivian, i am forgiving that remark only because it comes from an insecure bride in an aging body. oh, an aging ... you're just jealous because together, you and walter are a hundred years old.

that's impossible. that makes arthur three. ohh! oh, yeah?! well, there's your dumb old key. and there's dumb old coat. because we don't need your dumb old cabin. unlike some dumb old people i know, who shall remain nameless, arthur and i can find love and romance and spontaneity at home! yeah well let me tell you something, vivian harmon! our marriage is every bit as romantic and spontaneous as yours is any old day! she's right, walter. we're a couple of old fogies. right, we're a couple of old fogies, but we're gonna do something about it right now. come on, maude. let's go up to that cabin and have the time of our lives. oh, walter. you say that, but you don't mean it. i mean it, maude! i mean it! i'm sorry, walter but after the way you've acted today, there's nothing you could say or do that would make me feel any different.

? yes, sir, that's my baby ? ? no, sir, i mean maybe ? ? yes, sir, that's my baby now ? ? yes, sir, we've decided ? ? no, sir, we won't hide it ? okay, okay, okay. i'll go on one condition. what's that? that you stop singing.

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oh, honey, we're gonna roughing it in the wilderness, in the great outdoors. where do i plug in my water pic? walter, that moose must've been going awful fast to put his head through the wall. well, maybe he got homesick, and killed himself trying to back out. honey, let's face it,

but, honey, we can make it a paradise. you're right. let's burn it down and go home. come on, now, walter, this is something new, some excitement in our lives. besides, honey, this will give us a chance to rediscover each other. okay, maude. now, i'll tell you what. let's have a positive attitude. let's go out the door, and come back in again. but this time, walter, let's pretend that it's the penthouse suite at the waldorf-astoria. if you say so. t us in the proper romantic mood, carry me over the threshold. what? pick me up. pick you up? and carry me over the threshold. well, as long as it's the waldorf-astoria. bellboy! come on now, walter. okay. okay. all right, now lift me up. oh, oh, oh. ahh, ahh, ahh. come on, honey. lift me up.

maude, there's only one way i can do this, i'll have to make two trips. the abominable snowman will get you for that, walter! oh. it's cold, it's freezing! i'm gonna light a fire. oh, honey, first let's just bask in the warmth of each other's body. maude, i can light the fire very easily. it's all set up. i don't want to break this romantic mood i'm in. beside, honey, i'll make you forget about the cold. mmm, very sexy, walter. what were you doing new? shivering. i love it. a vibrating mustache. maude, i'm gonna light the fire. and you'll see it'll be a lot more romantic. oh. oh, i love fireplaces. you know, honey, when i was a little girl, my grandmother had this enormous house.

and your grandmother loved it? oh yes, till she died of pneumonia. look, honey it's smoking. ( coughing ) open the door, maude! the flue must be stuck! ( wind howls ) my god, this is exactly the way my grandmother went! got it open. (door slams) uhh. come on. sit in front of the fire. maude. oh, honey, isn't this wonderful? just you and me and the fireplace. no television. no radio.

i mean we can just do or say anything we want. how about that? honey, how would you like to run around in your underwear? maybe later. walter, have you ever read fires? not the book. but i saw the movie, towering inferno. come on now, walter, you know what i mean. you can see pictures in the fire like you see-- see that log over there the one with the two knotholes? you know what that looks like to me, honey? like a shetland pony with its mane whipping in the wind. running across the meadow. picking up lots of forget-me-nots. honey, what kind of pictures do you see in those blazing, crackling logs? i see a fire sale at findlay's friendly appliances.

besides, nature is calling. where's the bathroom, honey? oh, probably right through that door. look, maude. there it is. right through those trees. it's around 150 yards down that path. oh, how quaint. i think i can hold out till monday. maude, i love you. oh, sweetheart, thank you. you know what we're gonna do now, walter? you know what we're gonna do? first, i'm going to unpack. then we'll get into our jammies. and then we will retire. i mean, after all, lover, it's getting awfully late. yes, it's five after 6:00. come on, walter, you and i have had some very romantic moments at five after 6:00.

walter, i don't care. we are going to have fun. walter. inspiration! inspiration! ? it's inspiration time. ? ? it's inspiration. . . ? now, why didn't i think of this before? walter, a stroke of genius. what? honey, you and i are going to take a long walk through the woods. hand-in-hand, under the starry sky. the snow, the wind. the sheer poetry of two souls! ( wind howls ) maude! i'm not going out there. there are bearskin rugs out there that aren't rugs yet. all right, walter. you be that way. forget romance! forget all those promises you made to me about doing things on the spur of the moment. but i'll tell you one thing, walter, i am still romantic enough

if god's out there, he's driving to the nearest holiday inn. oh, walter, what are we doing here? well... oh, don't rub it in. i know it's all my fault. oh, walter, i mean, everything's against us. the cold. this awful place. we can't be romantic here. honey, let's go home. what do you mean, let's go home? you said-- i know what i said, walter. oh, but let's face it. we're not 20 any more. honey, i just want to be in my nice, warm house listening to your nice, warm snoring. ohh, walter, let's be the happy old fogies we really are. and leave this godforsaken place. hold on, maude. i admit this place is terrible. and the only reason i'm here is because i felt guilty because arthur stuck that stethoscope into vivian's ears.

and we're not leaving this place. we're not moving outta this place. i may not be sir galahad... i may not even be prince charming. but i can be as romantic and exciting as anybody. look, walter, don't give me your resume. tell me, why are you putting these things on the floor? lie down. on the floor? no, on the moose! of course, on the floor! oh, come on, walter. don't be ridiculous. maude, lie down. oh, come on, walter. maude, we're gonna spend the night here bundling, cuddling. i am not going to lie down, snuggling. walter, now don't be idiotic. whatever they call it. lie down, maude. walter, walter. maude, down!

really, walter. shut up and bundle. you know, walter, you're--you're outrageous. you know, you're gorgeous. i always wanted to rough it with you. oh, honey, you know, this is really all i ever wanted. not the cabin. i mean, just a little attention. what do you mean? oh, sweetheart, that's all any wife really wants, walter. just a little more attention lly gets. you know something, maude? we could be home. or we could be here. but it's the two of us together that makes everything work. oh, walter, we can survive anything. why, we could spend the whole weekend here with no trouble. weekend? we could stay here a week. a month. a year. ten years. a lifetime.

? donny hathaway: ? lady godiva was a freedom rider ? women: ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she didn't care if the whole world looked ? ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she was a sister who really cooked ? ? ooh ooh... ? as the first bra burner ? ? ain't you glad she showed up? ? ? oh, yeah ? ? and when the country was fallin' apart ? ? betsy ross got it all sewed up ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's ? ? that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ?

hi, mother. oh, hi, honey. oh, hey, how was walter's commercial? whatta you mean, "how was walter's commercial?" it's not on for another 15 minutes. you told me it was on at 2:56. honey, 256 is my mother's flight number. i distinctly remember because 256 was the room number of the first motel walter ever took me to. it was really crummy. down here to meet walter, hasn't it? i know. you know, she couldn't stand any of my first three husbands, which incidentally, was the only thing we ever agreed on. but i know she's going to adore walter. then what are you so nervous about? sweetheart, my 48-year-old relationship with my mother can be summed up by those three little words-- "i'm sorry, mother." well, you're not going to have to say "i'm sorry" to her about walter.

sweetheart, would you just rub this for me a little, right here. what's the matter? oh, just a slight touch of mother-itis. every time i see my mother, i get a pain in the neck.

listen, mother, are you sure you shouldn't check the time? honey, i have everything under control. in exactly six minutes, 3:59, we're going to watch walter's commercial, and then i'll drive out to the airport to meet grandma's plane. which is flight 256, arriving at 4:45. something tells me that when she calls-- sweetheart, if there is one thing i never make a mistake on, it is time, carol. i pride myself on it. only once did i ever get my times mixed up,

well, have you got the right flight number? caro--please, honey. i even wrote it down. look, flight 445 arriving at 2:56-- oh, my god! ( doorbell rings ) don't answer the door! oh, mother, i'm sorry, i'm sorry. oh... oh, maude, maude. oh, my... my little girl, my dear, sweet, tardy little girl. i'm sorry, mother. i'm sorry i got your flight time mixed up with the arrival time and the time of-- now now now, not another word. i was glad to save you the trouble. oh, i didn't mind that long, lonely trip

hello, grandma. oh, carol, darling, my beautiful little granddaughter. oh, you are a picture of grace and beauty. ah, you know, you remind me of me when i was your age. oh, that satiny, soft complexion-- mmm--and those exciting, sparkling eyes and-- huh huh--really stacked. oh, grandma, you haven't changed a bit. you're a great lady. oh, well, carol, i was brought up to recognize that good breeding consists of four qualities-- good manners, good carriage and good, solid yankee conservatism. mother, that's only three. what's the fourth? punctuality. hmm. i'm sorry, mother. hmm. i'll take your suitcase upstairs. oh, thank you, dear.

ee you. oh, bless you, darling. well well well well, here we are. oh, darling, you just look wonderful, but why do you have to be different? why don't you touch up your hair like everybody else your age? mother, i don't know, i decided years ago to just be natural, like you. ( clears throat ) oh, we--we--we're just going to have i hope so, dear. and i'm so anxious for you to meet walter. you know, we've been married for five years. mother, it's very important to me that you love him as much as i do, and i know you will. i hope so, dear. by the way, mother why didn't you call me from the airport? well, why should i bother calling, especially when your phone was busy all morning? oh, that's ridiculous, mother.

you're too much, berta. oh, hold on, would you dear, while i have my afternoon tea? here's looking at ya, berta. mrs. naugatuck, after you hang up and before you get fired, i'd like you to meet my mother. oh, excuse me, bert. i've got to meet mum's mum. how do you do? well, pleased to meet you. you are? and your daughter said you were hard to please. mother, i never said that. no, no, i'm sure you didn't, dear. well, i have to go in, and put on a new face. but mother, there's nothing wrong with your old one.

maude! what did you think of my commercial? oh, honey, hon-- i'm so sorry. i missed it. oh, walter, when will it be on again? oh, in about three minutes, right after celebrity soccer. good, then we can all see it together. now, listen, darling, mother arrived. she'll be out in a minute. please, for god's sake, walter, be charming. well well well, don't tell me. this must be walter. ( affected charm ) and you're mother chadburn. mm-hmm, yes. charming, charming. uh, just call me "florence." "florence," what a charming, charming name. i can't get over it. you look more like maude's sister. mother always was very young looking.

hey, mom, i brought you some candy. oh, walter, how sweet of you. now i'll bet maude told you that i liked good candy. well, yes, mother, i did mention it. mother: hmm, yeah. ( mouthing ) what's that? an easter bunny, walter? you bought my mother a chocolate easter bunny?! walter: they must've given me the wrong box. boy, that really irks me, mom, especially knowing that somebody swiped your sour balls. walter, i--uh, i understand that you own your own store. i'm the 28th biggest appliance dealer in westchester county. oh, mother, we don't want to brag, but walter is very prominent.

? his own television commercial. oh, and it's going to be on any second. well, i'm very impressed, walter. aw, nothing at all. isn't he cute? and so modest. you know, mother, originally they wanted somebody like, oh, henry fonda or laurence olivier to do it, you know, ( crowd cheering on tv. ) but then they realized that walter is so much more distinguished. ( cheering stops ) ( walter on tv ) wowee wally's! folks, wait'll you see these price tags! you've got wally over a barrel. hundreds of refrigerators, washing machines, and look at this baby-- the world-famous nasarona freeze king, a hundred percent american refrigerator. only the name's japanese. every one in the place marked down to 329. "all," you say? that's why they call me wowee wally! so come on down to findlay's friendly appliances. and look for the sign

god love you. ( mother guffaws ) "god love you"?! ha ha ha! ( laughing uncontrollably ) walter: well, i guess i don't have to ask what my wife thought, but mother chadburn, what did you think? well, i'll tell you exactly what i think, walter. did you hear that, walter?! all i wanted was for my mother to love you and respect you and be proud of you the way i am, and what do you do? you go on television and you totally, totally totally disgrace us! i'm sorry, mother. now, now, wait a minute, maude. i said walter was a horse's patootie, but he's going to sell a million refrigerators,

would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? janet, i'm giving you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. saving on mobile data fees, helps big time. switch to time warner cable. for $89.99 a month you'll get free hd channels, 100 meg internet and unlimited calling to half the world. we can call aunt rose as much as we want now. switching is easy.

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liberty stands with you? liberty mutual insurance. oh, well, i'm sure he'll be pleased to know that you enjoyed the commercial. you what? you want him to be official numbers caller at the tuckahoe wide world of bingo? oh, that's quite an honor. yeah, well, i'll tell ya, i'll tell him when he comes, and thank you so much for calling, father monahan. you know, i think if it weren't for bingo, half the people in the world would be atheists. i've finished upstairs if you care to unpack. oh, thank you, mrs. naugatuck. wow wee wally! never knew you had legs like that. thank you, mrs. naugatuck. you're welcome, but it wasn't meant as a compliment.

walter, absolutely brilliant. i just hope you were wearing shorts. why? well, you get a barrel with a knothole, you could be in big trouble with the f.c.c. now, will ya cut it out, arthur? mother ( regally ): well, how do i look? mother, you look beautiful. oh-- you see? and you say we never agree about anything. arthur, this is maude's mother, florence chadburn. dr. harman. very nice to meet you, mrs. chadburn. well, i'm delighted to meet you, doctor. i don't think she's so hard to please. i didn't say that either, mother. i'm sure you didn't, dear. i think now is the perfect time for our tea. oh. say, those refrigerators you're advertising-- i could use one over at my office. oh, sorry, arthur, i only had two and i sold them. they were my loss leaders, you know, to get people into the store. oh, i get it, walter.

sure, it's very popular in merchandising. you see, you tempt the customer with a carrot on a stick. oh, and while you're holding the carrot, the customer gets the stick. now, wait a minute, maude. loss leaders are a perfectly acceptable business practice. aw, come on, walter, you just got through telling arthur that you only had two refrigerators in the whole store. the way you sounded on your commercial, you had refrigerators coming out of your ears. oh, maudie, loss leaders are nothing new. e way back to adam and eve. yeah, eve got adam interested, with an apple, see, and she lured him into the garden of eden, dangling her apple. the next thing he knew, he had a whole family to support. you see, the apple was eve's loss leader. arthur, that is the single worst analogy i've have heard in my entire life. adam and eve.

uh, napoleon and josephine? look, arthur, we are discussing honesty in business, not sex through the ages. "sex through the ages?" that reminds me. i've got a 62-year-old man waiting at the office for a vasectomy. nice to meet you, mrs. chadburn. that man is a surgeon? i wouldn't let him take out my garbage. you see, that's something else we agree on. now, listen to me, walter. now, wait a minute, maude. i don't want my best friend insulted, and i'm tired of being insulted myself. loss leaders are a part of life. aw. everybody uses them, even you. me?! yes, you. remember, maude, when we first started going together? i used to nibble on your ears, and you used to flutter and giggle and tell me i was driving you crazy? and the night we got married,

don't nibble my ear." maude, you used your lobes as loss leaders. come on, walter. how can you compare the--the tender little traps that we women set for the men we love to your nefarious business schemes? i mean, at least i--i didn't promise you six lobes, and give you two. tsk tsk tsk. maude: what is that supposed to mean? i didn't say a word. all i said was, tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk... mother, are you trying to say that you agree with walter and not with me? i never said anything of the kind. all i said was, tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk. look, mother, if you have something to say, why don't you come right out and say it? thank you, i will. tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk. mother, walter, you're all driving me crazy! now, about those loss leaders-- i've listened enough!

you don't like my ethics. mrs. naugatuck doesn't like my legs! now, maude, listen to me for a minute. i think you've married the right man. he's a real go-getter. who practices deceptive advertising. oh, well, now, you've got to grow up, maude. it's like walter cronkite says, every night on the 7:00 news, "that's the way it is." is is my problem! i would really apprec-- i'm sorry, mother. i'm sorry. i promised myself that no matter what you said, i was not going to fight with you, and i am not. hmm, well, i'm glad, because i promised the same thing. i distinctly remember saying to myself, "florence, darling, "you're not going to fight with that little girl of yours, "even though you're standing out here at the airport "freezing to death,

"in her warm, comfortable home "thinking up excuses for not meeting you." please, mother, i told you it was a mix-up! it could happen to anyone! it could, but it didn't. there were 25 mothers out there at that airport, being met by 25 daughters, not one of them mine. i suppose you counted. what else did i have to do? ou please stop making me feel guilty because i missed your plane?! oh, i would never dream of making any daughter of mine feel guilty no matter how negligent she is. mother, i was not negligent. then why are you feeling guilty? because you're my mother, and i am your daughter and it goes with the territory. i thought you two weren't going to argue-- please, carol, this is between me and my mother.

mother, i am trying-- i said, butt out, carol! mother, you're impossible! that's no way to talk to your mother. and that's no way to talk to your daughter. now, she's not a child. she's a mature, intelligent adult. look, mother, would you mind butting out? just-- now... that's no way to talk to your mother. don't tell your mother how to talk to her mother! carol is right. now, she should be able to speak to you but as an equal, well, the way y--you and i talk to each other. oh, come on, mother-- oh, butt out, maude and listen. sorry, mother. mm-hmm-hmm. now, carol has no need for your approval about anything. she is grown-up, and she can speak her own mind. she's right. mother: mm-hmm. i'm sorry, carol. aw, mother, you don't have to apologize to me. i owe you an apology. no, you don't. that's the way-- you're going to get an apology whether you want it or not.

have no frustrations. the hell you don't. the hell i do. mother: maude, you do have frustrations. maude: i do not! you do too! all right, all right! all right, all right, mother. get it off your chest. hm-hmm. tell me, what is my frustration? your husband. if you really loved him, you would stand beside him and guide him. how, mother? "through the night with a light from above?" look at me. i stood behind your father no matter how much i disapproved. which was practically all of the time. for 40 long years, i stood beside that man, biting my tongue, but i adored that man. and that, mother, is your definition of love, my husband, right or wrong? absolutely.

your definition of love, then you're a horse's patootie. god will get you for that. i'll take my chances. you know, i ought to spank-- ow, oh, you know, maude, that you ever turned on me. i know, mother. and, you know, i can't tell you how good it feels, but believe me, mother, this is going to lead to a better relationship, like the one i have with carol. i hope so, mother. but maude, you should have met me at the airport. i'm sorry, mother. mother!

m sorry, maude. i took a long walk, and did a lot of thinking about the things you said. i'm not sure i agree with them, but if they upset you that much, then they bother me too. i called the agency, and told them to put on my other commercial, the one with dignity. my name's walter findlay. i'm the president, president of findlay's friendly appliances. the first lady, you can fool all of the people some of the time, and you can fool some of the people, all of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. that does it! walter, get me the phone book. who do you wanna call?