[ music ] >> here's johnny. [ applause ]

>> thank you. thank you. thank you. that's very nice. thank you. that's very nice, but i'm sorry. the area code of the show you wanted has been changed to 818. [ laughter ] now i should explain for people around the country. they must go through this in every city. the telephone company, in a fit of brilliance, starts changing area codes. what used to be 213 became something else, and what used to nothing became something. the area in the valley now is what? >> right. >> you may wonder how they came up with 818 for the valley. that's because 818 was the year the valley is still living in. [ laughter ] what a nice group of people we have here. [ applause ] i like-- i think i'll take you home with me. yeah. i'd like to take anyone home

been done in two years. [ laughter ] as i've mentioned this week. i think this is the last week-- television has their ratings weeks. >> right. >> you're familiar with that. yeah. they take to see how popular shows are, and they kind of spice them up with sex to get viewers, and nbc's got a wonderful one coming up. christmas. sexy tv movie for christmas starring angie dickinson called "the day the grinch got lucky". [ laughter ] ed has a warm christmas special coming up. bethlehem bloopers. [ laughter ] the three wise men break up when they can't pronounce frankincense, and it's-- [ laughter ] a lot of great outtakes. [ laughter ] you know, i-- we didn't have christmas when i was a kid. >> really? >> yeah. we were-- >> why? >> i was poor. my dad tore december the 25th out of the calendar one year. told me i'd slept through it.

do you miss-- do you miss snow this time of year? >> yes. >> now, some of you people have got plenty of snow, but out here i miss the snow, so what i do. i have my gardener, jose, stand outside the window. [ laughter ] and throw chicken feathers in front of his leaf blower. [ laughter ] well, for you soap opera fans. here's a dynasty update. marine came to nancy's defense, and michael confronted ronnie wi s stay tuned for next week's episode. [ laughter ] you understand that joke at all? [ laughter ] a strange sick laugh from the back. [ laughter ] well, i'm talking about the reagan family. it's too bad when family's squabbles have to make the front page of the newspapers. i know how that feels.

fascinating news. i know it'll take you by surprise. after a two year study. we have an organization in california called caltrans. what is that for? california transportation, i guess. they spent money on a two year study, and found out the traffic in los angeles is moving slower than it did-- it took them two years to figure that out. [ laughter ] i mean, a line at the motor vehicle department moves faster than the freeways. [ laughter ] i drove to work. i was in the fast lane today. was passed by a jogger from the golden crest nursing home. i guess the big news out here in los angeles. they're going crazy. dodger stadium is getting ready for the big jackson-- michael jackson and his brothers tomorrow night. dodger's stadium is a perfect place for the jackson tour. i mean, he won't catch anything with his one glove either. [ laughter ] so it's--

the security arrangements they have got are incredible. he has two patrol cars just to accompany him on his moonwalk. [ laughter ] that gets applause. i don't know why. are you going? >> yes. >> are you really? you're really going out there. >> tomorrow night. >> do you know the jackson's claiming that they're going to lose money on this tour? they sold $70 million worth of tickets, and they say they're going to lose money. now, if you believe that you will also believe that yasser arafat is going to make the cover of gentlemen's quarterly. [ laughter ] all i've been reading about in the paper is about the budget deficit, and the new tax plan. the reagan administration had some meetings yesterday talking about the budget, and there was a big uproar when the director of the budget, david stockman, was sitting over in a corner of the room. turned around, and said, "are there six zeros

that's scary. in case you are planning to travel over the holidays. you're going to italy. one place you might want to avoid right now is venice. do you know why? in the paper today it said that there are more pigeons in the city of venice, italy than there are people, and during the day pigeon pollution-- [ laughter ] falls on venice to the amount of 200 tons a day. [ ht the big industry used to be tourism. now it's hats. [ laughter ] a lot of hats. [ applause ] two hundred tons. no. come on. don't. don't feel you have to do it. only from the heart. [ laughter ] well, west hollywood officially became a city yesterday, and with the city council being sworn in.

whose mayor shows up dressed as carol channing from hello, dolly. [ laughter ] but it's going to be a nice little community. you've driven through west hollywood? >> yes. >> they have the christmas decorations. a big sign up there. don we now our gay apparel. [ laughter ] [ applause ] one sad item politically. gary hart. senator hart is actually raffling off his car to pay his campaign expenses. that's kind of sad. isn't it? i mean, the car runs fine, but the candidate was recalled. [ laughter ] mondale's also auctioning off his campaign car. hearse one. [ laughter ] [ booing ] yeah. ha ha. okay. anyway, we have a good show tonight. we have one of the funniest gentlemen working today. mr. george carlin.

a beautiful young actress who was with us once before ana obregon is here. [ applause ] and a lovely little girl. i think she's only five years old. i have not met her. i have seen her on the bill cosby show. her name is keshia knight pulliam. she will be out with us. [ applause ] and some other things, so thank you for coming, and we'll be back in just one minute. [ music ]

[ music ] [ applause ] oh, i like that. thank you. we have-- [ applause ]

to tune in at home. we have george carlin, ana obregon. a little young lady. keshia knight pulliam. interesting name. isn't it? they say she's adorable. she's-- >> i've not seen here. >> she's on the bill cosby show. from time to time the american library association. they ask librarians across the country for the most unusual questions asked by those visiting, or phoning the library. did you know that very often they have in many towns. your local library has a service. if you phone them, and you have a question or something. they'll do everything they can to look it up, and answer it right over the phone. >> that's great. >> which is nice. >> yeah. >> you have an argument sometimes. >> sure. >> who is the succession to william the conqueror. you get in an argument. you call the library, and they'll tell you. >> who was? [ laughter ] >> who followed william the conqueror? >> yes. harvey the-- >> murray the loser. >> oh, murray the loser. [ laughter ] >> all right. smart. who followed william the conqueror? >> let's call the library. >> you see. you think you remember things from school, and you don't. fred-- fred would know because he knew william personally.

>> he was a nice man. >> nice man. anyway, we've asked some of the libraries to give us some of the questions being asked lately, and they are fascinating. i'm going to read you, and see-- i'll test you. it's not fair because i have the answers. you can give me one, too, but i looked at them. what's the most popular perfume of all time? >> chanel number five. >> you're absolutely right. >> how about that? huh? [ applause ] >> wait a minute. wait a minute. [ laughter ] that's right, and you get the luggage, and the jewelry. [ laughter ] >> door number two. >> and the trip to mazatlan. chanel number five is right. incidentally there was no chanel numbers one, two, three, or four. >> right. >> do you know why? number five was selected because it was coco chanel's lucky number, and she said, "number five," and that was it. the least popular of all perfumes-- >> was. >> sick hyena 12. [ laughter ] interesting question. how many tons of steel were

corsets during world war one? they asked ladies to-- you know, they used to have those-- >> stays. >> stays made of metal. it was led by alice longworth who was later alice longworth roosevelt. the ladies donated 28,000 tons of steel from corsets in the 1915, 16, and 17. i guess. >> boy. >> enough for two battleships. [ laughter ] or one dolly parton. [ laughter ] does a woman have more ribs than a man? >> no. >> no. because adam. that's right. >> no. you're right. although a surprising number of people take the bible literally on the creation of eve from adam's rib. interesting. a woman only has more ribs, i think, if she just divorced tony roma. then she would have more ribs. [ laughter ] >> how many people in this audience think-- >> he has a lot of barbeque places. did adam have a navel? [ laughter ] is a question very often. >> no.

of adam which hangs in the sistine chapel, but that's an interesting point also. >> no umbilical cord. >> apparently not. [ laughter ] >> tony roma has one. [ laughter ] >> no. adam did have a little sign on his tummy. said, "coming soon." [ laughter ] most people-- most people don't-- how much water can a pelican's pouch hold? >> three gallons. >> how did you know? [ laughter ] you were probably out drinking with him. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> he did beat me. he did beat me. >> on a beer chugging contest. i might put my money on you. twelve quarts which is three gallons. the pelican does not use its pouch to store food though. it scoops up small fish, and then swallows them. you knew that. >> yes. >> how'd you know three gallons? >> i don't. >> is it true that a female ferret will die if she is not bred the first time she comes into heat? >> she'll certainly be awfully upset.

many female ferrets do die when they are not bred the first time they come into heat. boy, you see now. if i'd have known that growing up in school. you know, if you don't do it. we're going to die. [ laughter ] >> you mean you didn't use that? >> do you ever have mockingbirds around your house? >> yep. >> that sing about 2:00 in the morning. well, apparently some people have, and they called the library pretty steamed. how do you discourage a mockingbird from waking you up at 2:00 a.m., and li well, a local animal behaviorist suggests that a bright light is probably the trigger for the bird's recital, so dim the light, and the bird will most likely stop, or if you can locate his roost. shake the tree for several nights in a row, and the bird will take his performance elsewhere according to him. also a sawed off remington. [ laughter ] a shotgun is a little more severe. how many men does a woman kiss before she marries on

before she's married. how many different men would she kiss? just make a guess. >> a hundred. >> the average american woman kisses 79 men before marrying. >> oh, that woman. >> that one. [ laughter ] but none afterwards. why do you never see people in beer commercials swigging beer? is it against the law? >> it's against fcc regulations. >> yeah. it's not against the law. you ever see the beer commercials when they say, "hey, now guys. it's so and so, or whatever. give me a bud light." you never see them swallow the beer. apparently code of ethics think that showing people drinking alcoholic beverages on television doesn't serve the public interest. yet if you watch television dramas or soap operas. >> right. >> they're guzzling-- putting it away like they're going to the electric chair. [ laughter ] why do men and women's shirts button on different sides? well, apparently that goes way back-- it was easier to draw a sword when garments were fastened from left to right. although it's believed that

no particular reason that women's dresses button that way. which part of the egg comes out of the chicken first? [ laughter ] >> wait a minute. >> well, an egg. it has a small end and a big end. >> oh, i see. >> which part of the egg comes out of the chicken? >> i'll guess the big end. >> my god. you're right. [ laughter ] the station welcomes the view of opposing chickens. [ laughter ] what's the biggest industry in the united states? quick. >> automobile industry. >> food in aren't these exciting? [ laughter ] now, we eat turkey. don't we? for thanksgiving. what did the pilgrims originally eat for thanksgiving? they ate eels, clams, corn, ducks, wild goose, and lobster in addition to some turkey, but how did the turkey get to be? >> i don't know. >> the national bird, or i don't know. they didn't say. what was the longest movie kiss ever shown on screen? this one will surprise you. >> was that the thomas crown affair? >> a hundred and eighty five

by regis toomey, and jane wyman in "you're in the army now" released in 1940. three minutes? jane wyman was married to ronald reagan at the time. did you know that? she kissed another man for three minutes. ronnie was probably napping at the time. [ laughter ] [ applause ] three minutes. that would be interesting. could we get that film clip? i don't remember that. >> it's a cut away. >> it's a cut away? >> they cut away, and then come back. >> oh, well that's not fair then. we've heard that-- this is a question asked to a librarian. we've heard that whales do it. [ laughter ] that's the way people ask a librarian. they don't come right out. they say, "do it." [ laughter ] there's three of them involved. >> that's correct.

[ applause ] >> you were obviously out swimming with them this morning. [ laughter ] >> that is correct. >> well, let me tell you about this. obviously you know, but of gray whales. it's been noted that another interesting habit is that mating is done in threes. one female, and two males. the role of the second male is not well understood. [ laughter ] but has something to do with mutual assistance. i think, carries the baggage into the motel. [ laughter ] whales doing it. i wonder what they do afterwards. smoke a carton of cigarettes? [ laughter ] how-- now, how did you happen to know? >> i happen to know that. that's all. >> you knew about everything of marine life. you know that pelicans have three gallons. you knew that whales have this strange habit. >> not necessarily strange. there have been many parties like that. [ laughter ]

no. oh, no. all right. we'll be back. we have george carlin, ana obregon, and keshia knight pulliam.

[ music ] [ applause ] we don't want you to retire tonight without knowing who followed william the conqueror. our director bobby quinn just passed on the information that the man who followed william the conqueror was william the second whom they referred to as rufus. >> rufus. >> yeah. [ applause ] now, here is good kind rufus. [ laughter ] my first guest is a small little lady. very talented. very pretty. she started out making commercials. she's now five years old, and she is one of the costars on the bill cosby show which is on nbc at 8:00 o'clock thursdays. would you welcome keshia knight pulliam? [ applause ]

hi. can you get up in that chair by yourself? is this for me? >> uh huh. >> that looks like a chocolate chip cookie. >> it is. >> did you make that? you didn't. where'd you get this? can i try it? oh, that's good. want a bite? [ laughter ] what do you think? >> good. >> very good. yeah. [ laughter ] how are you? >> fine. >> did i pronounce your name right? that's a very pretty, unusual name. >> yes. k >> keshia knight pulliam. all your friends call you keshia, or kiki, or what? keshia? >> keshia. >> yeah. i like that. i don't know anybody else with that name. yeah. you're five years old? >> yes. >> yeah. when are you going to be six? >> next year. april. [ laughter ] >> that's right. of course. six comes after five. doesn't it? i forgot that. well, i mean-- how many-- next year about when? when's your birthday?

>> april the 9th? yeah. that would make you astrologically an aries? >> yeah. >> do you know what that means? that you're an aries? >> i'm an aries. >> that's right. that's what it means. i don't know nothing about it either. [ laughter ] yeah. what kind of commercials did you do? did i see you in commercials? >> i guess. >> yeah. can you tell me about some of them? >> i did del monte corn. >> del monte corn. >> mm-hmm. >> uh huh. >> that was about corn. >> about corn. [ laughter ] thank you. you have to go slow with people that are older. [ laughter ] yeah. >> what should i call you? >> huh? what should you call me? well, my friends call me johnny. >> mm. [ laughter ] >> does that seem right for me? do i look like a johnny? >> uh huh. [ laughter ] >> do you got something else

my last name is carson, but-- why don't you just call me johnny? >> okay. >> i'll call you keshia. >> okay. >> is that okay? >> mm-hmm. >> yeah. well, now. you did del monte corn. >> and when i was a baby. eight months. i did johnson's and johnson's baby products, and loves. the pampers commercial. >> oh. >> and i did-- hmm. >> yeah. a lot of stuff to remember from eight months. [ laughter ] >> but when i was two years old i did the carter sleepwear. >> carter sleepwear. uh huh. that's good. did you have anything to say in those commercials? >> all i had to do is roll over in the bed. >> you just roll over in the bed. there's good money in that.

[ applause ] okay. i'll tell you what. speaking of commercials. we have to do a commercial now. then we're going to come back and talk some more. okay? >> okay. >> you're sure pretty. >> thank you. >> you're welcome. we'll be right back. [ applause ] attention: are you eligible for medicare? the medicare enrollment deadline is just a few days away. changes to medicare plans could impact your healthcare costs. are you getting all the benefits available to you? new plans are now available that could and lower how much you pay out of pocket. to update your coverage- or enroll for the first time -- call healthmarkets. we'll help you make sure you have the right medicare plan. hi, i'm doctor martin gizzi. it's a new medicare year. that means more changes... and more confusion. here's what i tell my patients... start by asking ... what kind of care is best for your current situation? have there been changes in your

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[ music ] [ applause ] all right. we're back. george carlin will join us. ana obregon, but-- yeah. i >> you play the clarinet? >> uh huh. >> i didn't know that. >> in one of the scenes. >> oh, in one of the scenes on the bill cosby show? >> uh huh. >> did you have to take lessons? >> no. >> just pretend to play. >> i played, but i just have to pretend to play. >> oh, yeah. well, that's good. i forget. what grade are you in? >> kindergarten. >> kindergarten. yeah. i forgot what they do in-- it's been awhile. i forgot what i did last night as a matter of fact.

what do they have you doing in kindergarten? how do you spend the time? >> working, playing. >> playing. yeah. >> sometimes we'll go out shopping. >> shopping. probably beverly hills kindergarten. [ laughter ] start them early over there. >> i go-- i live in new jersey, but i go to new york everyday to my school. >> oh, that's right. that's right. the show is done in brooklyn. isn't it? >> mm-hmm. >> out in the studios there, and you live in new jersey? sisters? >> i have one brother. he's 18 months. [ laughter ] and he plays in the toys-- use the baby-- all the time though, and i have a 13 year old sister. >> thirteen. a big sister. >> uh huh, and she's really my babysitter.

yeah. do you have any pets? a dog. >> i have a dog. it's a doberman pinscher. his name is magic, and i have a cat. her name is samantha. >> oh. that's a nice name. yeah. >> thank you. >> yeah. [ laughter ] what do you-- what do you want to be when you get older? >> i would like to be a doctor because they help people, and they make a lot of money. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> that's a very good combination if you can-- if you can just help one person, and build up that big bank account. [ laughter ] yeah. do you like doing your television show? >> yes. >> do you have a lot of fun doing that? >> yes. >> yeah. suppose you become a doctor. you wouldn't be famous though like you would-- i mean, some doctors are famous, but, you know, actresses sometimes are more famous than doctors. you want to be famous? >> i like doctors. >> yeah. who's your favorite entertainer? >> michael jackson. >> i wonder why.

have you seen michael jackson in person? >> mm-hmm. >> yeah. >> i went to a michael jackson concert. >> you did. >> mm-hmm. >> well, that's tough to get tickets to that. what do you like-- >> we didn't get tickets to it. joanne did. >> joanne did. [ laughter ] that's probably somebody that you know. a friend of yours. oh, that's good. yeah. you're lucky to have joanne as a friend because-- [ laughter ] ah friend indeed. you certainly have a nice laugh. you know that? >> thank you. >> yeah. you're welcome. [ laughter ] so you saw michael jackson in person. >> mm-hmm. >> yeah. what do you like about him the best? what is it that-- >> i like the way he dances. >> can you dance like that? show me what he does. can you make-- do that little walk he does? >> mm-hmm. >> can we see? can you show me? [ applause ]

can you do that backwards? [ applause ] pretty good. that's pretty good. well, you know, christmas isn't far away. what do you want for christmas? >> i really haven't decided. >> haven't decided. [ laughter ] well, santa will-- >> i know one thing i want. rainbow bright. >> rainbow bright? >> uh huh. >> what is that? >> okay. it's a doll with-- it has stars on her cheeks, and makes you happy. [ laughter ] >> well, that's what a doll's supposed to do. make you happy. i'd like to find a doll that'd make me happy. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you don't-- come on. you don't even know what i'm talking about. do you? [ laughter ] >> a doll to make you happy. >> yeah. a doll to make you happy. you think that's funny. okay. [ laughter ] you get a little older. you'll understand that.

a little piece of tape from your show with the bill cosby show. okay, so let's just run it, and we'll let the people in the audience watch it. here you are. right over here. >> rudy, please talk to me. i could come in if you like. [ laughter ] hi. yo you're the youngest in the family, and nobody wants to play with you. they forget about you. they tease you, and you probably wonder if there's anything worse than being five. >> there is. four. [ laughter ] >> five is better than four? >> yes. a baby. >> so why not be proud of being five? you know, like yay, five. think of all the wonderful things five year olds can do.

you can dial the phone. you can go to kindergarten. last year you couldn't do any of that. >> because i was nothing. [ laughter ] >> you were never nothing. you just weren't five. >> five now. >> and now you can do things that you could never do before, so what do you thing about that? >> yay, five. >> yay, five. >> mommy, how old are you? >> old. >> yay, old. [ laughter ] >> yeah. you're pretty good. >> thank you. >> okay. you're a nice young lady, and it's nice to meet you. i hope we'll stay friends. okay? >> okay. >> would you come back, and see us every so often? let us know how you're doing. >> okay. >> okay. thanks for coming. i know you have to leave now, and you have a happy christmas. will you? >> okay. >> okay. thank you. i will. [ applause ] good night.