( blowing fanfare ) wow. all this just because i finished my invention for school? you shouldn't have. even though i did spend three weeks working on it not to mention missing the english patient on hbo 61 times. cool your jets, edison. the horns don't toot for you. this is for our cousin, larry. what did he invent? nothing. but cousin larry has come to expect some fanfare since he became an other realm emperor. he has his own country; i get dirty looks for taking up too much couch space. ah. here he comes. ( blowing fanfare ) zelda. what a delight. this must be sabrina. kiss my ring. but i hardly know it. ( chuckles )

( blowing fanfare ) i have a... ( fanfare continues ) ? ...break through this rotten piece of wood ? as long as we're going to be interrupted the music might as well be good. ? so i fought again ? ? so i fought again ? ? so i'll break through this rotten piece of wood again. ? two witches walk into a bar.

equivalency reunion. they hold it every year at costco. oh, i'm going to be late for my symposium in the other realm. i've proved yet another unsolvable theorem. yes, well, before you go i must tell you, i've discovered a very curious fact. you're your own grandpa? i found out that zelda is the "rincess" of massapequa park-- the country that borders my country, massapequa. aunt zelda's a princess? not "prr"-- just "rrr." ly tiny countries can't afford a whole p-rincess. okay, but nonetheless, aunt zelda there's a whole country for you to run and me to inherit. back off, napoleon. zelda promised me my own sovereign state for my birthday. or was it a chew toy? we witches live so long that we constantly accumulate useless land. just last week, i found out that i own a driveway in ashtabula. would you like me to take the country off your hands? would you?

signature. if you press really hard. i'm sorry. i'm going to have to sign these after my symposium. so, sabrina, finally we get to talk about the family secret. i'd love to, but i've got to get to school. today's the invention fair and mine is really cool. i think i know the family secret-- lack of proper excitement over teenage achievements. it's a combination hairdryer/lipstick applicator. ( loud whirring ) excellent. i see them in hotels everywhere-- except europe where the current's weird. so what does yours do? oh, it filters the water from the school's water cooler leaving only pure h2o. watch. ( dull humming sound ) wow. the water's so pure, i'm still thirsty. sabrina. you're going to win for sure.

excited about it. my aunts didn't even care that our tap water has radon. all systems are go for the first-ever pepperoni pizza putty-prototype. does the pepperoni pizza putty-prototype have a point? say you order a plain cheese pizza and it arrives with pepperoni. simply place the pepperoni pizza putty-prototype like so and... voila! hey, it really works. one question: why don't you just pick the pepperoni off with your fingers? what do i look like, an animal? really? what about mine? excellent, as usual. nice work. thank you. ( loud whirring ) ( whirring stops ) swell. now i look like one of red skelton's paintings. coming through. harvey, i think someone studied. all right! c-plus. b-minus. yes! once again, i'm comfortably ensconced in the middle of the bell curve.

i got an "a!" as usual. uh, mrs. quick, i'm not sure but is this an "a"? actually, it's an a-plus. now, let's all turn to chapter 11. just getting ready for the millennium. ( gasps ) i got third place! that's great. first! i got first place! i got a green "participant" ribbon. i got third. all right! and i got first. knew it. valerie, i told you it was a good invention. valerie: thank you. ( clears throat repeatedly ) well, nice work, kinkle. you're the only football player to actually finish an invention. hey, valerie. i heard you got third. cool. thank you. hey, sabrina. yes, i did. i mean, uh, you go first. we're doing a walk for orphans.

and have everyone ignore it? actually, it's so the orphans can get cable. oh, hi, honey. i wasn't expecting you home for lunch. what's the matter? i got an a-plus on a really hard test and won a blue ribbon on my invention. uh-huh. so what's the problem? that! no one's excited. oh, honey, it's just that you get as and win things so often you can't expect a parade every time. i, on the other hand solved an ancient math problem and the other realm scientists sat there like a group of mutes. of course. now that they're covered with smallpox they might be livelier. i would just like one person to get a little keyed up. ( gasps ) sabrina, did i dream it or did you win a blue ribbon? yes! i did! is that available for shredding? this magic book is useless.

what are you looking for? when i go back to school i want my good work acknowledged. check the recipe section. just do it. do it! it's just desserts. exactly. that's what you want-- your "just desserts." oh, i see. "with one little bite of this just dessert you'll get the recognition your good work deserves." cool. wow, you're lucky. when i was a witch, just desserts was a prune. ( doorbell ringing ) an old prune! aunt zelda, this is olga and zampano from your country in the other realm. uh-huh. what do they want? your greatness knows no bounds oh, great rincess. seeing you brings honor to my whole family. i'm just guessing but i'd say they're here to worship you.

sabrina, you got an "a" on your math test! hey, everyone, sabrina got an "a!" sabrina also won the invention contest or have you forgotten that? not at all. look. sabrina: "in honor of sabrina spellman." and i didn't even have to die! okay, okay. everybody, attention. because of the outstanding work that sabrina has done on her schoolwork the school board has decided that no existing grade is adequate. so, sabrina, we give you this. choir: ( over loudspeaker ) ? hallelujah, hallelujah... ? i have to remember to be modest and humble and... oh, the heck with that. this is great. thank you. ? hallelujah... ? ( zelda moaning ) oh, go on. you couldn't admire all my work. that we do, rincess. your face is on all our money.

i heard you, zelda. ready to sign the papers? you know what? i think i'll hold on to my country. well, it's your country. it's your choice. right. of course this means war. what?! change your mind? no. neither did i. you promised me that country prepare to fight! fine! would this be a good time to discuss taxes? how'd your just dessert turn out? great. but that little bit of acclaim has given me quite a sweet tooth. don't do it, sabrina. you were only supposed to eat one bite. i know, i know, but a couple more won't hurt.

whoa. sabrina... the way you closed your locker, that was awesome. yeah, i'm thinking of going pro. sabrina, do that again. do what again? that thing where you let oxygen into your mouth and carbon dioxide out. you mean breathing? yes! that's amazing! ( gasping ): there you go again! oh, you know me-- i'm a fool when it comes to keeping myself alive. may i? oh. zampano, you beast! it is mine! you already have her napkin! salem: so, milady now that you and emperor larry are at war, might i suggest you leave certain strategies to minister of defense saberhagen? no, you mightn't suggest that.

in any way. scat. this is going to be very awkward to tell my staff. rincess zelda, i am but a simple peasant in roughly woven garments but may i be your footstool? well, okay... but as long as you maintain your dignity. obviously when zelda said "scat" she was speaking in code. e it into esperanto back into hebrew... right! i'm pretty sure she meant "destroy emperor larry and all he holds dear, so salem can rule his country." give or take a letter or two. as you all know i was planning to give you another test today but i've decided to skip the test and just give sabrina the "a." ( applauding ) thank you. i even bought party hats and trail mix

( evil laughter ) i hope emperor larry likes this sleeping potion because it's the last thing he'll ever taste. ( evil laughter continues ) salem, what are you doing? um... making s'mores. well, don't make a mess. i've got battles to plan. i don't have time to clean. yeah, i'm making s'mores. s'more poison for emperor larry. ( evil laughter continues ) look! it's sabrina! ( marching band music ) what's the parade for? if they can have a parade honoring men who have merely walked on the moon i think we can have one honoring a little girl who has done her literature homework.

a letter from the other realm. zampano, you could have just brought the letter. you didn't need to bring the scalding toaster. oh, it's from the witches' council. they want to have a dinner honoring my achievements in math and science. that's wonderful. but what is this math and science of which you speak? my work. you said you admired all my work. that we've seen so far. then you just adore me because you think you should, not because i deserve it. nd emperor larry. ( explosion ) great. we're under attack. this assembly was called to honor everyone who worked so hard on the walk for orphans. i didn't know there was an assembly. but we've decided to turn it into the first annual sabrina awards instead. all right, show's over, do-gooders. take a seat. go on. hit it. ( jazzy intro )

? she's awesome all the time ? ? "b" is 'cause she's the best babe in school ? ? "r" is 'cause she really makes me drool ? ? and "i" is for the icon she's become ? ? "n" is 'cause she's great, she makes me numb ? ? and "a", it's redundant to say ? ? is the great marks she gets every day ? ? no matter how it's spelled, sabrina is unparalleled ? ? sabrina ? ? sabrina, sabrina, sabrina ? ? sabrina-a-a-a ? ? sa- ? ? bri- ? ? na! ? ( applause and cheering ) salem, i have to get in touch with emperor larry. i've made a huge mistake. i wanted recognition. i didn't care... look out! duck! dive! salem, what is going on? i set up a bunch of booby traps for emperor larry. remember, you told me to terminate with extreme prejudice.

well, i am sure being here at the first annual sabrina awards means there is going to be lots of entertainment tonight. ( chuckling ) geez, who writes this garbage? well, that... that would be me. um, it's you again. and the nominees for best "relaxed sabrina moment" are sabrina eating lunch. sabrina leafing through a magazine in study hall. sabrina humming a phantom planet song she heard on the radio that morning and can't get out of her head. sabrina at this very moment. and the sabrina goes to... open it, open it, open it. oh, my goodness, the sabrina goes to sabrina spellman.

such an honor and i'd just like to share this award with everyone else nominated in this category. thank you. ? i can't get enough of you, baby ? ? right or wrong ? ? baby, right or wrong ? ? when you had to go, i hated the thought ? ? i only wish the night was twice as long ? ? my heart cries out more, baby ? ? i love you so much ? ? i wish that there was more of you to touch ? ? i can't get enough of you, baby ? ? i can't get enough of you, baby ? ? i can't get enough of you, baby ?

i surrender. no-o-o. ( laughing ) excellent. uh, can i make a quick call? certainly. if i can get my sentry on the cell phone i might be able to call off that napalm attack. rincess zelda, your scones are ready. oh, i'm so glad you're here. i've decided to abdicate my throne. i blame you. no, no, no. look, maybe i should go to my country and explain my decision to the rest of the population. you mean isadore? is that the capital? no. isadore is a man-- the rest of the population, in fact. you want him, don't you? only three people live in my country? yes, and despite that parking is still a nightmare. come on, sabrina. they're about to announce another winner and it could be you. oh, i'll tell you what. why don't you go accept for me? oh! i'll be sure to mention that you're for native americans and against fur.

oh, sabrina, congratulations. i just knew you'd win for best supporting sabrina. gordie, you really worked hard for those orphans, didn't you? well... aw, heck, not as hard as you did on that jumble this morning. well, i did use ink. but... well, i feel awful. ...and the winner is... look at this. we have a tie. sabrina and sabrina. stop it. stop it! sit down, for crying out loud. look... all i wanted was a little recognition for doing a good job but not at the expense of those who are truly deserving so i'm giving all my sabrinas to gordie and the other do-gooders. here you go. what's sabrina doing? this never happens at the american music awards. cue the band. cue the band. sabrina: so it turns out

from now on, all i want my hard work to bring me is a high school diploma admittance to a good college and a high-paying job with benefits, but that's it. i'm sorry. i should have been more helpful. if i hadn't been so busy thinking about myself i would have remembered to tell you that good work is its own reward. but how do i end this spell now without winning a pulitzer for my book report? eat this and the spell will be reversed. what is it? humble pie. oh, i'll never get the taste of humility out of my mouth. well, i'd love to sit and chat but i am being honored in the other realm-- finally. excuse me, your majesty, but it seems someone else could use a piece of humble pie. but it was a really hard problem. well, all right, but just a small piece. zelda! let me make one more plea for rethinking this surrender foolishness.

"have some pie." ( crying ) another c-plus? yes! nice work, harvey. b-minus. nice work, valerie. "a." nice work, sabrina. once again, you get an "a" and nobody makes a big deal out of it.

next time let's try to have a nice visit without going to war. well, it won't be as much fun, but okay. ooh, uh, i almost forgot. for you. a horn. let me guess: it's weird, makes no sense i don't know why i have it-- it must be a clue to the family secret. you have got great deductive skills, sabrina. maybe one day you can join one of my secret death squads. will we see him again? probably, at the post-war reconstruction summit. well, somebody has to clean up the punji sticks in our front yard. oh, salem, did you get rid of all those booby traps? absolutely. what exactly happened while i was at school today?

i just love that new other realm grocery. yeah. if there are more than three people in line they just clone the cashier. what'd you bring us? honey frosted fruity cocoa sugar clumps, made with real candy. but i asked for something sweet. and for you... bubble gum? so this is all part of a nutritious breakfast. salem: i don't believe it. and get a genuine replica of the epsilon iii... free. will anyone join me in saying, "who cares?" the epsilon iii was the first spaceship ever used in an other realm earth landing. i must have that spaceship. well, it will take 500 boxes and you're a cat without a job. then i'd better start crunching. i've never had other realm gum. this grape is pretty good.