ususic) (trumpets) - nanu, nanu! (upbeat music) (bang) (upbeat music) (soft music)

welcome friends, to the temple of suds. if you're ready now, throw down your forks and come forward, and have your soul cleansed in the joy to come; i've got some good news and some bad news. first the bad news, this suckers hot! but now the good news, tonight we'll be having a jacuzzi! (egg beater spinning) (door slams) (mumbling) (grunting) mindy, why are you mad at your coat? - because my watch stopped. ah, and you suspect your coat. - no, my watch stopped and i got a ticket. - oh, in ork, when a watch stopped, we only got a warning, and they take away mickey's hands. - see, i was parked in this no parking after six zone, with my jeep, and i got back late because of this stupid watch, i got a $15 ticket! - that doesn't sound fair.

, right on mama! - i've got to, it's the law. - who made that law? - i don't know, the town counsel or something. - who said they could do it? - the people who voted them into office? - what people? - you know, the people of boulder, dad, grandma, me, you know... - boy that's stupid, you voted to give yourself a ticket. - yeah, i guess indirectly i did, didn't i? in a democracy, everybody votes and then the majority wins. do i win? - (laughs) no with two people, you can't have a winner. - sounds like democracy will never replace bobbing for french fries. - look mork, i'm not an authority on these things, if you have questions, you really should go out and ask other people and get other opinions. - may i ask just one more question? - sure. - why didn't i win with one vote? - that's because you need at least three people to vote,

- no, in a democracy you can only vote once. - what a primitive system. on ork we have a much more sophisticated way. if someone wants to be president, we just say, sure, go ahead, it's cool! (flute music) grandma, pops, still no luck, eh? - no. - mindy, i fixed my observations of the migration of the north american wino, which was easy, because he didn't move very far. i can take you home now. - oh mork, i can't, susan taylor invited me by her shop, she's going to have a make-up demonstration. and she wants me to be the model. - oh, like the ones in playboy. (high pitched voice) hi, my name is candy, my hobbies are body-surfing and neutron physics, and i hope to one day know the entire los angels reds. - not exactly, she's only working from chin up. anyways, i'm gonna get a new face!

- (laughs) listen, i'll see you at home later. - chao! - bye everybody. - one, two... we can play democracy, come on, everybody's doing it. (sings) do the vote! we've got three of us, we can vote on something. - but we've got nothing to vote on. - well, we can vote to adjourn then. all in favor, say ear. - that's eye. - oh, well that's two, that's majority, we win. let's pack it in. - i don't want to play. - oh come on, we'll let you vote first. we have enough to break your majority. republican! - want to have some fun? you can file these classical albums. i'll be in back if you need me. - let's see, albums would be under a. that was easy, not fun. - no, no, no, no, you don't understand. we don't fix cellos here, we sell them. this is a music store. - (russian accent) dollar, you keep cello. - look, i know where you can get it fixed,

handle job. - well look, if you change your mind, here's the address of the repair shop. and good luck. - ah, very much thank you. (foreign language) - nanu, nanu! - you speak english? - you speak lousy. - it's because i not from here around. i am from very far away, i'm alien. - leaping lizards, so am i! - sergei from slovisgrand. - slovisgrand, is that near alpha zen jury? - no. ork, is that near minsk? - no, you got 'em by the shorts there. unless that's the one with eight moons. where are you living now? - i do not yet find a place to live, that's why i leave cello here, sleeping in park is okay for me, but not for cello. - i know what it's like, it was pretty hard for me when i blew into town too. do you have to make reports of what you observe here?

i play in the simp a see. but i don't get first paycheck for couple weeks. - you're lucky, i have to report back to this fat dude named orson. he's the one that made me come here. - no one makes sergei krushnev come here. i wanted to be part of this democracy, ya. - you know about democracy? - ya, i studied it, uh huh. - mindy and i are forming a democracy. - leaping lizards, no faking? - yes. and you can be a third so we can vote, and i can ask you questions. - oh.. - you can come & live with us. - i don't want make trouble on you. es. mindy will be happy when she finds out about this. - who is this mindy? - she's the girl i live with. - are you married? - no, but don't bother about it, neither is she. - oh! (upbeat music) - well, what do you think? - holy, moly, such beautiful apartment.

rock star, huh? hey, do you have many pairs of levis? listen, do you know the beach boys? how about shawn perry? - who's your friend? - mindy mcconnell, meet sergei krushnav. mindy, sergei, min, ser, men, sen, m, s... - nanu, nanu. - ah, i see you spent some time with mork here. - oh yes, he show me so many things about your customs, you know? - sergei, sergei, lighten up. - so what do you think, how do you like my new face? - oh boy, what great country. you don't like face, you get new one. - same face, new paint job. - yeah, i knew it'd knock your socks off. so what do you do? - oh i am student and cello player. - oh! - sergei's going to be part of our democracy.

love living in this country. - no, i mean our democracy. sergei's going to be our third so we can vote. he's gonna live with us. - ya! - oh! mork, can i talk to you for a moment? - i think we should vote on that. i vote no, what do you think sergei? - i'm with you mork. - two to one, you lose. - i want to talk to you. - we just voted on that. - now! - oh, that's a different story! - please to excuse me, where might i find laboratory please for me? - oh you mean the restroom, it's right through there. - oh, a bed! i never saw a restroom where you could really rest. oh this america, really ought to stay. - what have you done? - i've got us a third for democracy. - you can't just invite anyone to come live here? - i know that, we'll vote on it. - oh no we won't! i pay the rent and i say he can't stay.

- that's not it. - mindy, you don't understand. you see, sergei's sleeping outside on a bench, and he's got a violin with a gland condition. - mork, you can't just go and... - mindy, i don't think our democracy's working too well. let's have a dictatorship instead, okay? i'll be the tyrant and you'll be the peon. huh, huh, can i be the tyrant? huh, can i be the tyrant? come on now. in russia i have to sleep with 11 brothers. but tonight, three in one bed is too much, i tell you.

- what are you doing down here in your pajamas? - oh i slept in the guest room so sergei could have the pent house. - can i talk to you a minute about sergei? (foreign language) look mork, sergei seems like a nice guy, but you just, you just can't go inviting your friends to live here. - well you told me to go out and ask people questions. - not questions like 'do you want to come home and live with me'. well you can ask one of your friends home, then there'll be four of us. but then it wouldn't work, i guess democracy only works with odd numbers. - that's not the point. he's a stranger. - but i was a stranger and you brought me home. - yeah, you're even stranger now. anyway, that was a special case, you really needed help. - well sergei needs our help. - you're right, yes he does, and you can help him find an apartment. show him around boulder, make him feel like he belongs. - it'll be sort of an extraterrestrial welcome wagon.

until he gets on his feet. then he can pay me back whenever he can. - you know something mindy, you're a real warble. - thanks, i think. anyway, if you have any problems, you can reach me at the store, okay? - k-o, there won't be any problem. we're like two fish out of water. - yes you are. see ya later. (banging) - come and git it, 'fore i slop it through the hogs. (creaking) - oh, it's time for (foreign word). (laughs) - (foreign language) - howdy partner! - you like cowboy movies too? - oh yes, where i come from, we love all american movies. have seen citizen cane, when the wind is leaving, in front of under water, but my favorite is this lonesome ranger. i would give anything to meet mr. ranger.

buckboard on it's back. ah tonto, you're right, 500 people tied up with dental floss. (female voice) help me masked man. (male voice)) help me long ranger! (accent) vere'd you get that ugly ingind? why are they not gagged at mashoogana? (female voice) behind you! varmints, look! (accent) i don't have to fire no stinkin' varmints. (foreign language) (yelling, grunting) well that shows them, tonto, onward. (old man voice) who was that masked man, he stole my teeth! i need them for the bullets. (yells) hi ho silver! (horse galloping) woo, woo, woo big fella'. woo, big fella', there. (shot) sorry about that, big fella. - you should be tv star. - oh no, too much pressure, and you have to get up too early. - everything going so wonderful for me.

mindy says we only have room enough for two, and we have to find you a place of your own. - my own? you mean i can live alone if i want to? - sure, why not? - well, where i come from, no one lives alone. sharing a room with 60 people is solitary confinement. - must be a long line for the shower. - shower? oh, so many things to learn. so many new experiences for me, disco dancing, dirt bikes, burritos, g as an alien. - you have to register as an alien? - all aliens must do so by january. - i didn't know there was that many of us. - there are thousands, maybe millions. - that's no bid deal, being an alien. - it's big deal if you don't register. it is the law, must! - i wonder why mindy didn't tell me that. - is she alien? - no, caucasian! - well, then she wouldn't know.

- think they'll kick me off the planet? - i don't know if they'd go that far. but they could arrest you. - i'm not supposed to get in trouble, orson will be really t-o'd. - i saw two men get picked up by immigration authorities. they were aliens without proper identification. - where do i get proper identification? - immigration building. - i better go to immigration building. i'll leave mindy a note. - do you know where it is? - no, i haven't written yet. (laughing) (dramatic music) these people all aliens? well they must be, they're here.

- next! - i'm here to register, i'm an alien. - fill this out and bring it back to me. - no sweat, nanu, nanu. sergei, didn't even phase him when i told him i was an alien. - place sees hundreds of aliens every week. - wait until orson hears about this. whoa, check this out, the ten most popular people. real nimnos. - those are criminals. criminals, nimnals, they don't look too swift to me. whoa, this pen's on a leash. what's wrong, did you write a bad check? (laughs) let's see, name.. mork, easy, one down. place of residence, ork. two down. education, ps one million six.

residence, mindy's house. and let's see, occupation... observing your primitive planet, and reporting back its customs to orson. oh, hey, i can't answer this one, what should i do? - take these to that nice clerk over there. - k-o. - now what do you want? - oh, he told me to take it to the nice clerk, but since she's busy, i'll talk to you. if i can't answer this question, do i fail the exam? - this is an informational form, even you couldn't fail it. (sigh of relief) well, what question is it? - that one. - if you had a recent vaccination? - no but i'd like to go to miami beach and stay at the fountainbleau. - no! vaccination, like when they stick you with a needle.

where did you come from? - over there. - okay, let's start from the beginning. where's your passport? - i give up, where? - don't you have a passport? - no, what's a passport? - don't you have any identification? - well, i have a mole right here. - how's that identification? - i don't think anyone else has one right here. - this is ridiculous. - i can show you the one on my right hip. - no that won't be necessary. now, let me get this straight. you don't have a green card? - right. - no passport? - ditto. - no visa? - right on. - no birth certificate? - not even a note from home. - legally you don't exist. - oh you're exaggerating, therefore i am. would you send the guard in here? you know, there are penalties for being an illegal alien. - i resent that, even though my father was an eye dropper,

- bob, i think we better hang on to this guy, and ask him a few questions. - hi mork, let's go home. - miss, miss, i'm sorry, but i'm afraid we're going to have to detain your friend. - i got your note, what is going on? - i have to register as an alien. - oh no, you don't understand. - no, you don't understand, i can be in big trouble. - i know! now what seems to be the problem here? - he's an alien, he doesn't have any identification. we've got to ask him a few questions. can i suggest a question? - please. - ask him where he's from? - oh, from the planet ork, you see, it's in the photo-sphere of the galaxy meadow huntorious, near the black hole leon. - oh, i see... how did you get here? boat, plane? - flying egg. - i see, i always go by flying bacon, myself.

- now, tell him how you drink. - don't be a clown, you know that. with my finger. (slurping noise) - okay, guard, would you please escort this gentleman out, to his flying egg. would you put that desk back where it was? - no moisture. (horn) - oh this america's country on move. (laughs) - going. - mindy, all these people are aliens. - i know, let's get out of here. - sergei, we're leaving. - so long. - hello. - nanu, nanu. (lively music) - i don't get it. - what? - why does sergei call himself an alien, if he's never even been to the moon?

you humans sub-divide yourselves into different species, russians, americans, protestants, jews, game show hosts. - we do. i'm afraid we haven't learned to live together very well yet. - another thing i feel strange about is democracy. - why? - well, after sergei got his apartment, he went out to get a driver's license, and because he was an alien, it took all day. - oh, i think you're getting democracy mixed up bureaucracy. - so much confusion, i'll write the cliffs. - see, democracy is the one man elect vote system, and bureaucracy is most difficult way to get anything done. - why do you have such an inefficient system? - well we've been working hard at it. actually, they're trying to streamline things, but that can take years. - why? - bureaucracy. - (foreign language)... mindy. - hi! - what's happening mork? - nanu, nanu. - nanu, nanu.

a place to live, a driver's license. - didn't it take you all day to get it? - oh yes, that's what's so great about it. because where i come from, it would take six months. - really? - oh yes, and if i fail, they make me date female russian shot-putter. - mork and i are really happy you're adjusting to everything so well. - very much, thank you. i must leave now but before i go, i want you to have something from me. this is some russian caviar. - oh thanks, sergei. can't stay for dinner. - oh no, i have to go back and check out my dynamite pad. (foreign language) - bye! - i don't understand it. democracy didn't work three people, it didn't work with two people, but it works for sergei, and he lives all alone. - that's one of the good things about democracy,

i think that next time you have any questions, you should ask me first. - i know, i'm a real nimno. you asked me to take a pole, and i bring home a russian. (laughs) (disgust) - that's caviar, fish eggs. oh, return to mother ship. (mumbling) (grunting) do you like it? no way!

ic) mork calling orson, come in orson. mork calling orson, come in orson. (foreign language) mork calling orson, come in comrade. - that accent, it's russian. - oh, i'm sorry, i'll slow it down. (slowly) mork, calling orson,

- sorry your rotundady. - what's happening inside your head? is your brain flaky? - oh no, this is what earthlings call snow. it's kind of like martian lip balms, only frozen. are they dangerous? - oh no! if you try and light their fuse, they turn to water. - what else have you observed? - well, earthlings have a custom called voting. it's so everyone can have a voice in democracy. - and they all vote? - no, only about half of them. - maybe they just don't like their leaders. - i think that's part of the problem. too bad they don't have someone as well rounded as you. - is that another fat joke, mork? - oh no, your obesity. i mean, we're lucky enough to have someone like you, that we can all stand behind, i mean, all of us, the entire planet. - that was a cheap shot, mork. - oh rejection, heavy thigh. i mean, sigh.

- nanu, nanu. (trumpets)

"able to leap over tall buildings"? hah! anybody can do that in zero gravity. what's the big deal about that? they call him "superman" for that?! oh-ohh! i'm perturbed! i've got to write a letter about this. miss smith, take some dictation. [ high-pitched voice ] no way! [ normal voice ] all right, i'll do it myself! okay, let's see. dear superman -- ding! i am writing you this letter because i'm really perturbed. ding!

on the outside? ding! you're a jive turkey in red booties. ding! love, your friend, mork from ork. ding! p.s. -- don't you sweat a lot wearing two suits? ding! good morning. oh, god bless you. you know where i can get a stamp? i think there's some in the drawer. where are you sending a letter? metropolis. i have to go to work early because grandma's not feeling well. shazbat! [ pounding ] whoa! the mice must be taking steroids! it's that bickley creep again. you mean that nice man downstairs? nice?! haven't you met him yet? no, i've been busy reading these alien newsletters. bickley has been making my life miserable. he's always pounding on his ceiling, which happens to be attached to my floor!

is really bugging me. you'll just have to be a little more acoustically understanding. understanding? why don't you go talk to him and see how understanding you feel? listen, i gotta get to work. i'll see you later, okay? ciao. bye. [ knocking ] quiet up there! mork: i'm not a ventriloquist. i'm out here. oh, interruptions, interruptions. hello, i'm mork. nanu, nanu. no, no, no, no. get out of here. [ knock on door ] well, what is it?! i'm still mork. i'm from upstairs. i've been wanting to talk to you, bigfoot. you and your noisy girlfriend have been driving me out of my mind. what a coincidence -- she says the same about you. look, i'm trying to work down here. it's tough enough without you guys

bouncy, bouncy, bouncy! what are these? those are greeting cards. i design and illustrate greeting cards. what are greeting cards? a gold mine. every simple-minded idiot whose mother has a birthday can't think what to blow his last 60 cents on. thanks to me, he can now send a simple, stupid, sappy card whoa, that sounds fantastic! read me one. yeah, you probably would like this drivel. "to my mother --" eww. "your smile to me is like the dawn --" [ chuckling ] oh, gee. "whose coming hides the darkness [ voice breaking ] "and lifts the sorrow "from my aching heart.

"what your life has meant to mine, [ sobbing ] "then i could die a happy man, a-although it be sweet parting." shh. that's beautiful. [ calmly ] garbage. how can you say that about your own poetry? hey, it pays the bills. i don't have to like it. oh, look. look at the pretty bunnies. yeah... a hunter i know lets me draw his rabbits he skins them. here's another one. "what is a friend?" oh, brother. "a person who is kind and just -- "a person full of love and trust -- "who knows your faults, "but doesn't give [ sobs ] a flying care -- "who, when you call, is always there -- "a person who will e'er be true --

[ sniffles ] swill. oh, it's not only swell -- it's fantastic. read me another one, please. i don't want to talk to you. yet you are -- see how considerate you're being? i'm not being considerate. you're modest, too. [ thud ] oh, no, it's those kids again! i can't get any work done. hey! hey, kid! yes, you! that was a terrific throw! u do it again. [ thud ] oh, amazing! do you think you can throw it to me? huh? oh! [ chuckles ] scuzzy little yard monkey! i really ought to take these down to the orphanage

what are you talking about? you're trying to hide it underneath that crust, but i know you're trying to save that kid's life. if he had taken this ball, he might have thrown it in the street, then a truck would have come along and hit him. then he'd be in the hospital, and all his little friends would have to send him "get well" cards, and -- oh, no! you're more than a wonderful guy. you're a saint! you gave up your business to save that kid's life. my life has been miserable ever since he moved in. boy, that guy sounds like a real jerk. he's worse than that. i don't know how i can go on living there. i'll bet he'd pound if i dropped a hint. you want me to talk to him? no, i can do it. it's just that i get so mad every time it happens. well, you see, that's just it, mindy.

in that case, maybe i'm wrong. hey, babe? you the chick that sold me this album last week? we sell that album. do you have a receipt? you didn't give me a receipt. i always staple the receipt to the bag. you didn't give me a bag, honey. what were you gonna do, listen to it on the way home? what seems to be the problem? this chick workin' for you is tryin' to rip me off. i got no bag, i got no receipt, and i got a defective album. what's wrong? i don't like it. you can't return an album just because you don't like it. well, i wouldn't return it if i did like it. i don't like your attitude. mindy, mindy, mindy -- tolerance. what seems to be the energy problem here? i got a defective album. it's, uh, i-it's scratched.

nd let it achieve its own energy and heal itself. i don't like your attitude. that's because you haven't got to know my essence. we'll get together, have cocktails, and work out our karma. i don't wanna have cocktails with your karma. we'll have a natural breakfast, lunch, or dinner. i feel an incredible vibration from you. let's share it. don't be afraid. there we go. you're an aries, right? i see an incredible potential in you. there's an amazing being in all the universe. i see a potential for you in show business. i play guitar! fantastic! wow! psychic! i knew it! have your service call my service, and be here now -- if not, get there later. ciao! well, i have to admit that was really impressive.

oh, yes. we're best friends now. come on! he said stop by soon. by the way, when does hell freeze over? best of friends? yes, but you have to be considerate of him. he's losing it a little bit, because he asked me 10 or 12 times if i wanted to take a hike. did you ever get around to talking about the noise problem? no, we talked about you. he must have been a repairman. i bet he would, too! well, he's not gonna get the chance. i invited him for dinner tonight at 8:00. i feel the energy's right, so i'll catch you there.

john, we're giving you a raise. that's fantastic! but i'm gonna pass. are you ok? honey, you got another present. no thank you, dad. who says no to more? time warner cable internet gives you more

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