captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc. ? she didn't care if the whole world looked. ? ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? ? she was a sister who really cooked. ? ? isadora was the first bra-burner. ? ? oh, yeah. ? ? and when the country was falling apart, ? ? betsy ross got it all sewed up. ? ? and then there's maude. ? ? and then there's maude. ? ? and then there's maude. ? ? and then there's maude. ? ? and then there's maude. ? ? and then there's maude. ? ? and there's... ? ? that uncompromising, enterprising, ? ? anything but tranquilizing, right-on maude. ?

mm, that's good. but this'll be even better. (audience laughs) much better. (audience laughs) (singing) tell me what the spring is like on jupiter and mars. - [maude] walter, please! (door slams) walter, i'm sorry. honey, i'm sorry. walter, i am so sorry. you'll never know how sorry i am. walter, walter, walter, you have every right to absolutely furious with me. honey, i know i've been spending a lot of time up in albany lately, you know, lobbying for that antipollution bill. and, oh, walter, i know i couldn't have

honey, my guy, my guy, walter findlay, chosen tuckahoe's businessman of the year. (audience laughs) winner of this year's tuckie award. (audience laughs) ah, come on, walter. walter, honey, i am so sorry i came in in the middle of the presentation and everything. oh, walter, they can have their oscars i love your tuckie. (audience laughs) oh, walter, sweetheart, i know what an honor it is. your name on this trophy along with other tuckahoe men of the year, art of art's gas station. joe gamble, night manager of chicken delight. mario leonetti, philanthropist. and part-owner of the pussycat porno theater.

i mean, but i really blew the whole thing. oh, but, honey, walter, when you find out why i was late, i know you're going to understand. walter, i know that tonight was the most important night of your life. but, walter, i just had the most incredible honor bestowed on me too. walter, you know what? you're gone, that's what. (audience laughs)

excuse for being late tonight. - forget it, carol. i mean, this is not the time. - oh, now, maude, come on. you've got to tell hiyour good news. - the hell with her good news! i'm up there on the dais, your empty chair beside me. thanking my missing wife for her support.

- i know, walter. - just then you come running through the door and knock over a chinese busboy carrying a tray of dishes. - honey, you handled it so beautifully. saying i was getting even with him for the asian flu. (audience laughs) - mother, tell him. (all talking at once) - no, no, no, no, no! this is not the time. this is walter's night. i don't want any of you bigmouths telling him that they've it's true, walter. walter, it's true. honey, this afternoon, up in albany, the leader of the democratic caucus asked me if i would be interested in running in the primary for state senate in this district. walter, honey, they think i'm a viable candidate.

oh, walter, walter, of course, it'll mean that i'll have to live up in albany five days a week. but, honey, i'll be home most weekends, and of course, every holiday. - albany? - oh, sweetheart, i'm so lucky that you are the most understanding, compassionate, supportive, woman-oriented, walter. you're not tuckahoe's man of the year. you are tuckahoe's person of the year. - yes, person. - just one question. - yes, my very own person. - while you're up in albany, who's gonna take care of me? - walter, you'll have mrs. naugatuck and me to take care of you. and philip'll be here to keep you from being lonesome. - you see, darling? nothing's going to change. - [nell] (singing) oh, singing in the rain. singing in the rain. - i think she's been nipping at the milk again.

- well, this calls for a celebration. i'll go and warm up some of those veal kidneys you love. - that's a good idea, and i'll open the cold duck. - [maude] mrs. naugatuck, somebody else here is having a big night. - [nell] who? - mr. findlay, of course, man of the year. how do you like his trophy? - another thing to polish. his pussycat theater wouldn't give me my senior citizen's discount. (audience laughs) - walter. walter. honey, is something wrong? - oh, for crying out loud, maude. can't you run for some office that's local, where at least you'd be at home?

come on, viv. - no, i want to stay and watch the fight. (audience laughs) - walter, how can you not want this for me? this is my chance to do something that matters. - look, i know it's important to you, maude. but i don't want a weekend wife. i'm too old to change my lifestyle. maude, i am not a hermit. i've an uncommon need not to be alone. what about my rewards? where are my trophies, walter? - what are you talking about? here's one, maude. this beautiful home you've created. and in that kitchen right now, there's another lovely trophy you've created. - mrs. naugatuck? (audience laughs) - i'm talking about your daughter. maude, you've been a wonderful mother and a wonderful grandmother and you're a great wife. isn't that enough for you?

honey, i treasure every moment of it. but, walter, you've been a wonderful husband and a wonderful grandfather to philip. you've been a great friend to carol. but, walter, you also have an outside life. - an outside life. i'm an appliance dealer. what's the big deal? - the big deal, walter, is that every day, you're out there proving yourself, testing yourself. honey, i have seen you come home dozens of times so excited because of some business deal you've pulled off. and i've always been so happy for you and so, so jealous, walter. that's a high i've never known. i mean, and now, i finally have a chance to stretch myself, walter. oh, god, let me have this once chance to stretch my mind and my talent and use them meaningfully. at least, let me have that chance.

know. maybe i'm being selfish because i love you so much. you know, maybe our life has been so good that i'm afraid to change it. - oh, walter, you're so sweet. thank you, darling. and you'll see, walter, everything is gonna work out. (phone rings) that's probably aldman calling. i promised them i'd give them my decision tonight. yes, this is maude. oh, hello, bob! carol, everybody, it's senator meyers. - oh, it's senator meyers. - what? how did i know it was you? oh, come on, i'd recognize that deep, basso, profundo voice of yours anywhere. huh? that's how you recognize my voice? (audience laughs) you old basso, you. (audience laughs) of course, i talked it over with my husband.

thank you. i know she's wonderful. i know we can use somebody like maude in albany for the next two years. so if she wants to run, she can run. but it's gonna be over my dead body. (all talking at once) - quiet, quiet! quiet, please! bob, that noise you just heard was a victory celebration. how could you do a thing like this? - maude, if by some miracle, you get elected, i couldn't handle it, not for two years. i'd be a hypocrite, maude. letting you run and hoping you'd lose. - then why don't you root for me to win, walter, and hope that we can work it out? - how? with you up in albany and me here with a trophy and mrs. naugatuck's kidneys? (audience laughs) let me ask you, maude. are you willing to risk our marriage over this?

ughs) walter, are you telling me point blank that if i choose to run, our marriage is going to end? - oh, he didn't mean that. that's not what he-- he didn't mean that. - i don't know, viv. he sounded pretty sincere-- - [maude] oh, shut up! (audience laughs) walter, is that what you're saying? - isn't that what you're saying, maude? - no, and you're not saying it either, walter. hello, bob? yeah, i'm sorry for the delay. listen, bob, could i give you my answer tomorrow? oh, it has to be tonight. bob, the answer is yes. i'm going to run.

ol and vivian] walter! - no, nothing happened, nothing happened, bob. my husband just broke his tuckie. (audience laughs) (audience claps) jo that's fantastic! but i'm gonna pass. are you ok? honey, you got another present. no thank you, dad. who says no to more? time warner cable internet gives you more of what you and those little data hoggers want. like ultra-fast speeds up to 300 megs. that's 50x faster than dsl. this internet speed is sick. get 50 meg internet starting at $39.99 a month.

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i'm ready now. no, but the important thing is not to let walter know i'm concerned. because if he finds that out, then he'll just, you know, take advantage of me. you thought i stumbled, didn't you? does old maude know how to break the tension or does old maude know how to break the tension? (maude laughs) just another tension break. (audience laughs) - [maude] so don't you guys worry about a thing.

walter, what's going on? (knocks on door) walter? walter, come out! i want to talk to you. (toilet flushes) walter, all the plumbing in the world can't drown me out. (audience laughs) (singing) whistle while you work. (whistles) (hums and whistles) whistle while you work. walter, what are you doing? i know you're punishing me. you put on that brown suit because you know i hate it. you know, i was thinking about giving it to charity.

t goodwill. (audience laughs) you get it, walter, bad will? (maude laughs) goodwill-- you got it and you don't like it. - maude, this is serious. you think i'm bluffing, don't you? i'm not. all my things are packed. i'm leaving. - all right, walter, if that's the way you feel, go ahead and leave. - walter, you know i'd do anything in the world not to have you leave. - good, then change your mind. - you're right. - maude, what are you doing? - you asked me to change my mind. i had another one in here someplace. where are you, little mind? - i know you're here someplace. - maude.

- oh, what's the use. i'm all packed; goodbye. what'd you do with my clothes? - i ate them. walter, you put that suitcase away or i'm gonna swallow this key. nna swallow this key. you're gonna spend the rest of your life locked in a bedroom with a woman whose insides are slowly rusting. (audience laughs) - get your hands off my underwear. - walter, we've been together over 1600 nights. this is the first time you've ever made this request of me. (audience laughs) walter, walter, you can't do this. you can't mean it. i mean, this is ridiculous.

and the excitement of it with you, walter. walter, i'm not gonna let you leave. i'm not gonna let you do anything this impulsive. - look, get your rump off my suitcase. - rump? walter, is that what you call what i have, a rump? walter, i prefer to think of it as a fanny. (audience laughs) a rump, not a rump, not yet, walter. - come here. i said i'm leaving. now, please get it through your head that i mean it. - boy, you certainly know how to sober a person up. walter, listen, i don't blame you

we'll do, walter. come with me and open a store up in albany. - what? - well, i mean, it's a perfect place to sell washing machines. where could you find more dirty linen than in our state capitol? - what about my store here? - sell it. - sell it, just like that? 25 years right down the drain. no way, maude. maybe that store isn't much, but it represents my life. something that i'm proud of. something that i did. something that i did all by myself. walter, do you hear what you're saying? i did it all by myself. oh, god, if only once i could say that. - look, i can't blame you for what you want to do. i understand, sweetheart, i really understand.

- i don't believe this. i mean, this has to be some kind of a dream. this can't be happening to us. listen, walter, walter, i have always tried to be an understanding wife, walter. and i never thought i'd have to say this to you. but, walter, you walk out of here and so help me, i'll flatten you. (audience laughs) - outta my way, maude. walter, we're two sane people who love each other. walter, can't we compromise? i mean, meet me halfway. - halfway between tuckahoe and albany is poughkeepsie, and i don't want to live there either. - walter, what in heaven's name are you doing? - [carol] walter, what-- - exactly what it looks like. - [vivian] oh, no. - frankly, walter, this is not going to solve anything, walking out like this. and it certainly won't help maude's campaign for people to learn that her fourth marriage is on the ropes.

tuckahoe is known as alimony on the hudson. i mean, they'll carry her all the way to albany on their shoulders. - listen, walter, why don't you come home and sleep at our place? you and i can talk this thing over. - yeah, and maude, i'll come over and stay with you. it'll be just like the good old days at the sorority. - thanks, vivian, but i'm in no mood to sit around hoping for a panty raid. (audience laughs) walter, do you really want to break up our marriage? - maude, all it'll take to stop me is one phone call to albany. carol? - mother, a person has to do what's right for that person. - and? - well, i can't take the responsibility in making that decision for you. - vivian, you understand, don't you? - yes, i do, maude. - you see, walter, i'm not alone. - i think your place is with your husband. - alone at last. (audience laughs)

terrific? you know, when i was in college with vivian, i wanted to go on and study law. but my parents were hurting for money. so what little they had, they saved to send my kid brother to graduate school. they felt that he needed it. because after all, he was a boy. and i was, i was a, a girl. i don't know. it seems all my life, there has always been somebody else who came first. don't misunderstand me, because i never spent one second resenting it. but i mean, doesn't anyone of you want me to come first? just this once? oh, that's all right. don't feel bad.

i don't care. i ended up working my way through college. and i'm gonna work my way through this too. because this is something that i have to do for me. so damn it, i'll take you all on. you, walter, with a slamming door between us. you, carol, determined to make me feel that i've made a mistake. walter, i love you. - i love you too, maude. - oh, he'll be back, car. he'll be back.

donny hathaway: ? lady godiva was a freedom rider ? women: ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she didn't care if the whole world looked ? ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? ? ooh ooh ooh... ? ? she was a sister who really cooked ? ? ooh ooh... ? ? isadora was the first bra burner ? ? ain't you glad she showed up? ? ? oh, yeah ? ? and when the country was fallin' apart ? ? betsy ross got it all sewed up ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's maude ? ? and then there's ? ? that uncompromisin', enterprisin' ? ? anything but tranquilizin' ? all: ? right on maude! ?

that i came over here to humble myself and beg him to come home! then why on earth did you come? to humble myself and beg him to come home. right. well, it's up to you to make the first move, maudie. after all, walter warned you that he'd walk out if you accepted that bid to run for the state senate. arthur! arthur quincy harmon. maude has spent all her 49 years being a housewife and mother. right, maude? right, viv. and although she's loved doing it, now she has the chance to stretch herself, to test her abilities for the very first time, to run for the state senate! and this may be her very last chance, arthur! when you're as old as maude-- time! oh, maude, i'm sorry. all right. now, come on, maude. for the sake of your marriage, you've got to face walter. oh, but vivian, i can't. but you promised me, as your best friend, that you would come to this place, and ring that doorbell, and say to walter, "i love you. please, accept me the way i am."

"i love you. please, accept me the way i am." now, maude, come on. ( sighs ) ring that door bell. you do not break a promise to your best friend. oh. you're right, vivian. ( vivian sighs ) ( sighs ) i love you! please, accept me the way i am. gh, you ain't short enough,

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just think about how miserable you've been without walter, and how much you miss him. sure, think how miserable walter must be, having to live in one of these swing singles apartments. for middle-aged boys. and the highlight of their day is watching the waitress in the coffee shop bend over to scoop ice cream. i haven't seen any swingin' chicks here. ( laughing ) he likes my backhand. he's a doll! hi, fellas. uh, just visiting, girls? oh, no, i live right there, next to wally findlay. wally?

oh, oh! "wally baby." yes, as a matter of fact, i'm his wife. but that shouldn't bother you. and even if you do know "wally baby" that well, i certainly wouldn't want you to feel, you know, embarrassed or shy, or cheap or anything. okay, well, will you just tell him that jenny has the tennis court reserved for eight sharp, and not to be late? how firm thighs can really be. all right, now, maude. come on, now. come on! ring that doorbell. oh, no. ring the bell, maude. but you won't leave me? no. promise! we will stick by you through thick and thin. through think and thin. ( gasps ) well, as long as you two are hitting it off-- bye! bye!

k just left with thin. come in. come in! tasteful. how are you, maude? oh, very well, walter, and you? i'm managing. how's carol and phillip? oh, fine. just fine. and mrs. naugatuck? oh, couldn't be better. did i forget anyone? and the, um...

and the, uh, meter reader has pink eye. walter: i was reading about you in the tuckahoe tribune. they say you're picking up a lot of support for the democratic primary. yes, it's true, walter. you just wouldn't believe the receptivity i've been getting. i mean, people i don't even know keep coming up to me and... telling me that they are behind me 100%. and they are so happy to be-- to come out of the bathroom? the place came furnished. from where? the house of porn? maude, why are you here? ( sighing ) oh. walter, frankly, i was worried about you. walter, i want you to know that i understand you. i understand that... well, it can be very upsetting to think about

if i win this election. and i understand that this is the first chance you've ever had to really prove yourself. i understand that, which is something that you don't seem to understand-- that i understand. but, walter, i do understand you. i understand, walter, that you-you're threatened by the prospect of having a wife who does her own thing. maude, that's not the-- no, a wife who is an individual, walter. maude... sit down. you know, you're like a little girl who wants two things when she knows she can only have one. you can't have a marriage in tuckahoe and a political career in albany at the same time. walter, i have been a wife, and i have been a mother, and i treasure every moment of it, but, walter, i--i can't control the feeling that life holds something more for me-- that i can be something more.

oh, not me, maude. the first thing i learned in french was "voulez-vous coucher avec moi?" in spanish, i learned "mi casa es su casa." oh. you're infuriating. you're infuriating! walter, don't you-- don't you realize i came over here to see you? i came over here to talk to you, walter. oh, maude. i'm sorry. ( sighs ) i love you for coming over. i mea-- i missed you. i missed you very much. oh, walter. oh, darling, you don't know how i needed to hear you say that. oh, walter! walter, voulez-vous? oui, monsieur. "oui, monsieur"? that was the second thing i learned. oh, walter, i can't tell you what it's been like. i mean, waking up at night, in the middle of the night, just longing for the touch of your skin,

sorbing junior. oh, walter, walter, walter! maude. let's never spend a night away from each other again. never, walter. never, never again. oh, darling, i need you so. and you know, walter, you do understand me. i know you do understand. of course i do, sweetheart. you're a real woman, maude. oh, thank you, walter. making a home for him. not in politics. that's a man's game. walter, there's another famous french expression-- "bon voyage!" maude!

why don't we stop kidding ourselves? i mean, we both know where we're going. what are you talking about, walter? maude, you're committed. you have to do what you have to do. but i can't bear a part-time wife. i'm talking about... i'm talking about divorce. divorce? we don't have any other choice. walter, how can you love me and talk divorce? it's because i love you. the divorce is for you! i'd rather have a mix master! maude, if we lived the way you wanted,

ke you hate me, and i don't want you to hate me. that's how much i love you! look, walter, hate me, and we'll keep the marriage together like everybody else. oh, come on, walter! this is ridiculous! this is--this is stupid! i mean, it's so unnecessary! maude! there's no other way. all right, walter. okay. but i'm telling you right now, walter, i am not going to cry and break down in hysterics. i will never go through another divorce like that again. i will not let you do to me what chester did to me, or albert did to me, or barney! barney died. i know. he was the only husband who knew how to end a relationship. listen to me, walter. if you're determined

i cannot say that other word-- then...( sighs ) let's be sensible about it, walter. no tears, no anger. you're right. that's the only way to handle it. w-we're simply facing a situation, walter, that neither of us can do anything about. nobody's right... and nobody's wrong. damn it, maude. ( knock on door ) oh! look at the two love birds! you see, vivian? you see that? i told you this'd work! ( laughs ) maude, walter, i am very proud to be the person that brought you back together again. ( both laughing ) arthur, we're getting a divorce. they're lying. i brought them together. oh, you're great little kidders, you two! arthur, she means it. we're getting a divorce. oh! you and your big ideas! that's all your fault, you big goofball! vivian! vivian, how dare you call me a goofball?

maude, why are you crying? they remind me of how happy we were

listen, maude. you know, this is a very bad scene for me. why, i've been your family attorney ever since you two were-- gosh darn-- you were married. oh, john! well, it's--i feel awkward representing walter in a divorce when i'm so close to you, too. well, you old silly billy! walter and i intend to make things just as easy as we can for you. we'll make the cotton easy to pick. mame! ( laughs ) oh, this is gonna be so much fun! ( sighs ) you know you're beautiful? both: ah...

both: oh... oh, walter, you know what i came across today while i was sorting out some of your clothes? walter, look. our old photograph album, walter. huh? ohh...ohh... uh? uh? ahh? ohh! ah! ohh! aww. ohh! ohh! ohh! ohh! oh, walter... my most favorite snapshot in the world-- the two of us at the copacabana. january 16th... 1968. 1968. you remember. you're kidding? pink champagne, you in that low-cut gown. sandler and young singing make love to me. sandler and young. ? take me in your arms ?

? whisper-- ? you know, i never thought i could get so stirred up watching two men sing to each other. i don't think we were ever more in love than we were that night, maude. hey! for a couple who are getting a divorce, you two are really something. both: ah! ( doorbell rings ) oh, that's probably my lawyer. walter, i hope you don't mind. i got mason everhardt. he handles all my divorces. mason! maude! long time no see! i know. this one's lasted almost seven years. ( sighs ) well, don't worry, maude. someday, you'll find the right man. oh, i already did find the right man. ah. oh, yes! hello, walter.

counselor. yes, all right. uh, walter, is that your mercedes out there? no. that, uh, happens to be mine. oh, well, i may have squeezed you in a little tight there with my rolls-royce. we'll be all right, maude. now, counselor! shall we get on with it, counselor? fine. right, maude? right! right! right! right! right! ( laughs ) ( sighs ) that's why i insisted that we do it here, instead of in some stuffy, old office. now, here's a list of my client's assets before this marriage. i assume you've advised your client that he's not entitled to any of these. oh, come on, mason, let's not worry about that. walter can have anything he wants.

over a set of tupperware or a pewter revere bowl? where's my sideboard? i can't find my sideboard. maude, honey, relax. i can't find my side-- walter, you know, it's--it's 19th century! a collector's item! it's the first one jc penney ever put out! maude, please, it's yours! i don't want anything! oh, oh, walter. walter, you're being so strong. well, now, uh, here is a list of my client's current assets. rest in findlay's friendly appliances incorporated. one 1974 buick special. savings account at city savings and loan. 40 shares-- city savings and lo-- we don't have an account there. well, i do, uh... just a small one. you have a bank account that i don't know about? i guess i forgot to mention it. that's all. it's nothing, maude. uh, play money, poker, little gifts for you.

frankly, i don't even remember. $8,000. you have squirreled away $8,000? well, don't just sit there! you're my lawyer! do something legal to him! all right. i'm doing it. maude, why are you making such a big fuss over a measly few thousand dollars? what about the money you saved up from your real-estate job? did i do any snooping around trying to find out how much you had? walter, i never tried to keep that a secret. $1,500. 2,437-- you never really know a man until you divorce him. all right, maude. take it all! my record collection, my dirty books-- everything i treasure! i'm gettin' outta here! hold it! where do you think you're going with my album? your album? it's my album! it is my album! this album is all that is left of us.

you do that and you'll be walking with a decided limp, walter. walter, this is my album! i love this album! and so do i lo-- now, folks, please. please, don't fight over a few memories. deal in hard cash! oh, shut up, everhardt! what kind of drugstore lawyer are you anyway? you should've done all this in your stuffy, old office! maude, please! as shakespeare said, "when anger comes in the door, reason flies out the window." yeah, shakespeare also said, "kill the lawyers." and as for you, mr. "swiss bank account," i had hopes that these clothes would never leave this house, but... now i can't wait to get them and you out of here! what do you say we resume monday at my office? oh, yes, fine. 10:00 be all right? yes, that sounds fine. you know... i think we've made some progress, don't you?

everything'll be okay. yes. john and i may have our differences, but we'll work things out. what kind of mileage do you get on that rolls? ten to one, will rogers never met a lawyer. don't blame them, maude. it's you! me? yeah. you loused up what could've been a fun evening! that's fine, walter. blame me! if i'd known you were gonna be this ugly in divorce, i never would've married you in the first place! and get your hands off my album! you want these dumb pictures that much? no, i hate them. i loathe them. i despise them, and the minute you leave, i intend to burn them. but damn if i'll let you have them. i wouldn't take any of those stupid pictures if you begged me! just give me the one from "the copa." i wanna remember what our life looked like

walter--never! for your information, walter, i was not smiling at you in this picture, walter. i was laughing at sandler and young! ( laughs ) all right, maude! ? take me in your arms ? all right! ( maude laughs ) save these for your next husband! here! you know what you are? ( door opens ) walter, do you know what you are?! ( door slams ) walter, do you know what you are?! go sit on a snow cone! that's what you are!