[ music ] >> here's johnny! [ music, applause ]

>> i appreciate it. come on. look, i know your type. but are you going to write me when you go home? wow. what a crowd. this is burbank. a pit stop on the way to irwindale. [ laughter ] you folks must be expecting - what is it? champagne dreams and caviar wishes. how are you, doctor? >> very well. >> what a nice audience. [ applause ] >> like a breath of fresh air. and we could use some fresh air in los angeles. [ laughter ] >> yesterday, they started spraying los angeles

malathion. and it actually improved the air quality in los angeles. [ laughter ] >> did you read the newspaper, today? la, according to the paper, has the highest ozone level of any city in the country. it was in the paper. people in los angeles didn't know it, because they can't see the newspaper to read it. [ laughter ] >> now, there's bad news and good news about the smog. the bad news, of course, is the smog hurts your lungs. it makes it hard for the pit bulls to see you. [ laughter, applause ] >> now, i mentioned last night, and apparently, it caused a little bit of a panic. later on, i will explain. i said-said the papers that malathion would take the paint right off of your car. but was not dangerous to humans. [ laughter ] >> maybe this whole spraying business is

for earl schieb. >> i don't know. but you know what they're doing monday, in los angeles? they're releasing 50 million sterile male med flies. the idea is they will breed each other out of existence. not a bad way to go. [ laughter ] actually, only 40 million are sterile. the rest have little, teeny condoms -- [ laughter, applause ] and a pamphlet from dr. ruth. [ laughter ] >> can you believe that? sterile med flies. you can tell, actually, if you have a sterile med fly in your fruit tree, because you hear a little female voice saying, "it's me, isn't it? i'm just not attractive." [ laughter ] and, in a similar

were released into the gary hart campaign, to try to stop that. [ laughter, applause ] >> anyway, what else is going on? the pope arrives - when? in los angeles next month? yeah, you're probably having a private dinner with the pope. fred had a private dinner with president reagan the other night. >> it was just a lunch. >> oh, excuse me. it's kind of dfi the present day pope, because he knew peter. [ laughter ] guess who wants to leave the country? did you read this in the paper? jimmy the weasel frantianno. that was the guy who copped out about 30 of the mobsters and sent them to prison in the 70s. the government called off his protection service and he says he's got to get out of the country.

jimmy, if you're watching, with the freeways and the med flies and guys behind news desks, it ain't too safe for any of us, here. [ laughter ] peter holm is writing his autobiography. it was announced today it was going to be ghost written. that means that somebody else writes it for him, and when he gets his copy, it's going to be ghost read to him. [ laughter ] well, what else is happening? do you know about valerie harper? apparently, she went off her show, or got fired, or something, because of a salary dispute. her fans, apparently, are trying to get her back on the show. some radio station in florida has a petition, and the leader of the club is trying to get one and a half million signatures to get valerie back on the air. i think that's aiming a little high, don't you? a million and a half signatures - you could bring william casey back from the dead.

did you read about heavyweight boxer mitch green? does that name ring a bell? a heavyweight boxer by the name of mitch green was arrested. do you know why? he was driving with a television set on his dashboard. [ laughter ] damn it, i knew that if you put on quality programs like "mr. belvedere, " this was going to happen. [ laughter, applause ] >> but this is not the t a celebrity was stopped because of something weird going on in his car. years ago, 1966, senor wences -- remember senor wences? was arrested for putting lipstick on his fist and driving it across the state line. most people don't know that, to this day. anyway, tonight -

is with us tonight. [ applause ] >> a very funny young comedian, tom parks is here. [ applause ] >> i don't know what the official name of this lady would be. she is a nose flutist. she plays a flute-- >> extremely well-- >> with her nose. i guess it would be - the technical term for that? >> ridiculous. [ laughter, applause ] >> abby jay. she's here, too, so stay where you are. [ applause ]

>> okay, we're back. >> friday night crowd. beautiful. >> thank you. you look really sharp, tonight. [ applause ] >> thank you. >> i just threw this old rag on, from my closet. now, first of all, i've got something to clear up. i did a joke last night on the show about spraying for med flies. we have a med fly problem, i guess. 36 med flies - they've discovered. and they're spraying 22 square miles in los angeles, and according to the paper, they're spraying with malathion, which is toxic, and they suggested

well, you begin to wonder, right? anyway, i got a call today from jara currey, from the california department of food and agriculture. apparently, that joke last night started to panic people. and she says don't panic, folks. it is the protein that carries the poison that spots the car. it doesn't strip the paint off. in other words, it apparently leaves little spots on the car. it does not strip the paint. so, in other words, it's safe, i guess, on humans. wouldn't it spot humans, too? [ laughter ] >> anyway, it's not a dangerous thing, so if you happen to be out and you see a plane come over, dropping malathion, just stand there and -- >> enjoy it. >> but we did not mean to panic people. anyway, the air is so bad out here today, 15 of the flies turned themselves in. [ laughter, applause ] >> i guess they're

i guess if you get a med fly infestation, it devours the citrus crop in california, and it only takes a few of them to get going, because they're very prolific. i mean, you get one med fly, and apparently, they lay - anybody know how many eggs they lay? billions and billions of eggs. [ laughter ] >> as carl sagan would say. you probably know about - oh, by the way, we have shelley winters on the show tonight, comedian tom parks and abby jay, who has a ridiculous act. she's called, actually, a nose flautist, or is flutist correct? >> flautist. >> flautist. alright. she's going to be with us. do you know about the los angeles raiders situation? we have a football team called the los angeles raiders. apparently, they may have been lured away from the los angeles coliseum by the city of irwindale, california. now, irwindale, california is about 25 miles east of los angeles,

>> no. >> they gave the raiders $10 million up front, as an advance, i guess, against $150 million, to be gotten back in stadium revenues. $150 million. now, we've been doing this show in burbank since 1972. we got to wondering. burbank's been nice to us. but look what they're going to give the raiders. $10 million up front. so, we thought we'd just check into it, and so we sent a camera crew down to irwindale, to kind of check it out. i don't know if you know this or not, but irwindale is the gravel capital of southern california, and they plan to build a stadium, i guess, in one of the gravel pits down there. so we took a camera, seeing, maybe it's the future home for "the tonight show." so watch the monitor. this is actual film, as you will see here. now, this is the main thoroughfare,

you might think this is a barren wasteland, but the locals refer to it as a maintenance free forest. [ laughter ] >> now, there you are right there. that is the gravel pit, and that is apparently where the new stadium is going to go if it comes through. we don't know yet. so, what we did - i personally did not go down there, but i did send a very lifelike cardboard impersonation, and we took the desk down, and set it in the middle of the gravel pit, just to see how it would loo there we are. [ laughter, applause ] >> you could open the show, from the gravel pit of southern california, it's "the tonight show." >> there's johnny. >> now, this new stadium seats about, i guess - how much? >> 60,000. >> 60,000 people. now, can you imagine a studio audience of 60,000 people?

anyway, we thought we would call the gentleman, and check into this a little further. now, what did i do with the guys name here? okay. he is standing by on the phone. it's a legitimate call. his name is xavier hermoseo. and he is irwindale's public relations consultant. he negotiated, apparently, the raiders deal. is that a firm deal, already? the 10 million is firm. no refund. >> no, they keep that, no matter what. [ laughter ] >> i've had other deals like that, where 10 million has gone, with no refund. [ laughter, applause ] >> okay, now, he knew we were going to call him. we called him and said would you be in your office? i'm going to chat with him. his name is xavier hermoseo, and i'm just going to dial his number here, directly

[ busy signal ] [ laughter ] >> oh, come on, now. we've got to be kidding. he's probably talking to al davis, right now. [ laughter ] >> maybe i dialed wrong. oh, we have two numbers here. i've got a back up number. [ phone dialing ] >> he's probably negotiating with ted koppel. [ phone dialing ] [ ringing ] >> there we go. [ ringing ] >> hello? >> i'd like to speak to mr. hermoseo, please. >> hold on, please. >> thank you. he must be on the other line. we've got to act fast on this. obviously,

>> hello, this is xavier. >> mr. hermoseo? >> yes, sir. >> how are you? >> i'm fine, how are you? >> this is johnny carson. i'm calling from "the tonight show." >> oh, what a pleasure. >> can we hear mr. hermoseo in the audience all right? we've got you on the speaker, here, to our "tonight show" audience. >> okay. >> how are things in irwindale tonight? >> rock solid. [ laughter, applause ] >> that's right. i forgot. irwindale is a stones throw from another stones throw, is how many gravel pits does irwindale have? >> too many. about 17. >> about 17? >> yes, sir. >> how did you manage to get al davis to come down to irwindale? >> well, we gave him an offer he couldn't refuse. >> gave him an offer he couldn't refuse? now, you advanced him $10 million? >> $10 million. biggest check i've ever seen. >> how many people live in the city of irwindale? >> 1040. [ laughter ] >> 1040, and you came up with $10 million?

they didn't all chip in, did they? >> we're the fastest growing city in the state of california, in terms of assessed valuation. >> oh, i see. so 1040 people, and you gave mr. davis a $10 million check. >> that's correct. >> now, if they decide not to move there, what happens? >> he's $10 million richer. >> that's it? now, let me ask you this, now. what inducements could you give us to move "the tonight show" >> well, that's tough. let me think, here. >> could we use one of the gravel pits? do you have any studio space? >> oh, sure. we have a lot of space. but you're not exactly al davis. [ boos ] >> well, you're not tom bradley, either. [ laughter, applause ] >> tell me a little bit about irwindale. >> irwindale is about

>> ten square miles. >> it's 20 miles from los angeles. it's about 28 years old. >> 28 years old. we have your picture up on the screen now, mr. hermoseo. >> nice of you to do that. >> okay. >> it's a primarily industrial and commercial city and we have been bringing big business to town. a major brewery -- >> there's a brewery nearby? [ applause ] >> how close would that be to the gravel pit? >> eight lanes away. >> eight lanes away? >> just across the freeway. >> just across the freeway. good, okay. ed, you're in. so, you've got a major brewery there. how about hotel space, for our guests? >> pardon me? >> how about hotel space, when we fly in guests for "the tonight show?" where would we put them up? >> we don't have any hotels. >> no hotels. well, that's a problem, right there. >> we'll build some. >> you'll build a hotel.

[ laughter ] >> no gas station. well, the people drive there for the football game and they run out of gas, what's the situation there? >> i think we'll put a gas station in by the time -- >> might put a gas station in. so you've got 1088 people. when is this stadium going to start? >> we'll start construction of the stadium in november. >> in november. now, what's that going to cost? >> oh, about $80 million. >> about $80 million. now, can i ask you a personal question? how do you raise that money with 1044 people? >> through incremental tax increases. [ laughter ] >> oh, that's a big tax bite. >> we've done situations like, we sold the brewery people 227 acres for a dollar. >> oh, i see. >> and they built a $392 million brewery on it. >> well, that sounds pretty good. now, the people of irwindale - do they get tickets to the games? >> yes. >> oh, they do? >> absolutely. >> everyone in irwindale

to all the raiders games? >> yes, sir. >> that's not a bad deal. >> not a bad deal. we also guarantee them an education. >> also guaranteed an education. well, good for you. it's nice talking with you, and maybe we can follow up with a letter, or something, and if you can give us some inducements, we'll certainly consider coming down there. in case we do come down there, you know, i do jokes about burbank on "the tonight show," right? and so, we just wrote up some sample jokes about irwindale, to try out >> you tell me how these might go. welcome to irwindale. home of the ishtar amusement park. xavier? >> if this marriage is going to work, and you know all about marriages. >> he said, if this marriage is gonna work, and you know all about marriages. how about, they're having a big parade in irwindale, today. salute to driveways.

that's heavy industrial machinery. [ laughter ] >> well, xavier, it's nice talking with you. i wish you good luck. >> thank you very much. i understand you played to rave reviews yesterday. >> i beg your pardon? >> i understand you played to rave reviews, yesterday, in the pits. >> yeah, we did come down there. we did a little film and went to the signing party. >> it was a little flat, you know? >> a little flat. that was a cut out. it wasn't actually me, xavier. no, you see, that wasn't me. that was a cardboard cut out. i was in irwindale, yesterday. anyway, xavier, it's nice talking with you, and good luck. thank you, sir. [ applause ] >> we're going to move. >> i don't know. going to have a tax increase. 1044 people. okay, we'll be right back. shelley winters is here, so stay where you are.

>> okay, my first guest tonight. shelley winters has been a frequent guest on the show. she is not only a superb actress, but she is never at a loss for words. would you welcome miss shelly winters. [ music, applause ] >> good to see you. and you look nice. have you ever been to irwindale, california? >> irwindale? i think i was married there. no, no. i can't be funny tonight. i have to be distinguished and dignified. >> why is that? >> well, i'm doing a film. >> a serious film. >> a serious film. do you remember "harold and maude?" >> sure. >> well, it's sort of a vicious one - >> "harold and maude" was a really funny comedy.

it's funny, but it's called " the order in things." >> so you want to keep a dignified presence tonight? >> yes, the producer's 27, and she told me to be dignified. >> well, you can be dignified if you want to. >> can i? it's dull. >> well, let's be silly. >> you did something interesting while i was away. >> what did i do? >> you married a blonde. >> well, it was a rainy day, and i couldn't play tennis. [ laughter ] >> no, that is just a little humor that is not going to go down well when i get home. [ laughter ] >> yeah, i did. >> do you like it? i mean, married life? >> i guess so. i mean, yes, yes. [ laughter ] >> i mean, yes, i do. >> she's cute. >> yes, she is. >> she's lovely. >> thank you. that's very nice. >> young, young. >> well, yes. younger than i am. >> do you think i could get married again? >> of course. why not? >> how old? it's different for a man.

i hope, he's 22. >> grab him. >> no, that's too young. >> well, that might be a little young. >> yeah, but he's lovely. his name is anthony nazzorino. and he's going to either play opposite me, or eric roberts. but eric roberts is 34. that's rather old. [ laughter ] >> have you ever thought about getting married, again? >> no, not seriously. >> really? >> not really. not really. >> doesn't a woman have needs, as they say? >> hey, you bet, johnny. [ laughter ] >> you know, it's the first year in many years that i haven't spent august 18th, which is my birthday, here. i was teaching a class, and i couldn't get out here. an acting class, i did this summer. oh wait, i've got to do something. that was for 50 acting students. >> oh really? >> i can't say all their names. >> so that's a little greeting to them?

before you evaded the question? >> do i want to get married again? >> yeah. >> do you want to know the truth? yes. >> do you, really? >> yes, i do. [ applause ] >> good for you. >> i would like to marry a lovely man in show business, who is sort of in my age group, successful, has his own career. not an actor. >> not an actor. >> and, if anybody wants to write in -- >> this is not a dating service. >> oh, you'd be surprised. >> do you know what's going to happen now? >> what? >> i guarantee you, you're going to get letters from people around the country. >> okay, i might get a husband. >> i'll bet you do. >> okay. >> i'll bet you do. >> you know - i want to tell you something. i've done this show often, and you always send me a first-class, round trip ticket, right? >> sure. >> that's about $1600, $1700. well, usually, they let you trade it in for tourist. [ laughter ] >> you traded your ticket in for tourist? >> i've done it for 15 years.

>> you owe us about $38,000! why do you trade the first class ticket in for tourist? >> then i can bring some friends. about five or six friends. yes, i do. >> makes sense. >> and i like tourist better than first class. >> why is that? >> you meet a better class of people. [ applause ] >> too snobby in first class? >> i'm snobby in reverse. the first class passengers, after about ten minutes, they get stoned and boring. they go to sleep, or they're doing computer stuff. but tourist, everybody's friendly. this trip, i visited my secretary, who was in tourist, that i paid for, not you. and i go back to tourist, and for awhile, i thought they were all my cousins.

and they discuss past johnny carson shows i've done. as a matter of fact, i was invited tonight to a barbeque in burbank. >> really? >> yes, a whole family who lives in burbank. i may go. maybe, i'll see. [ applause ] >> you'll meet a guy with a chef's apron that says al on it. this might be the guy. >> why not? why not? >> okay, we'll take a break. we're coming right back.

[ music, applause ] >> we're back. we're talking to shelley winters. you were talking about when you fly, you like to go back and talk to the people, you know, who are flying tourist. when you go out - and i suppose you do normal things around the neighborhood. go shopping. >> yes. one of the things about flying, you know, you begin to know your age. they have those earphones with music? >> yeah. >> well, this time, i didn't recognize any of the music. there were five stations,

>> heavy metal stuff? >> i guess, i guess. i really felt out of it. >> well, what would you listen to, if you had an evening of music? >> well, golden oldies. you know. songs that have words and melodies. [ laughter ] >> yeah, you like mainstream, mainline stuff, huh? >> yeah, sort of. i went up to stevie wonder, and then they lost me. i mean, i like him. but anyway, it's not dancing in the aisles time, like with doc. he's wonderful. extraordinary. d [ applause ] >> somebody told me you go out and you do your own grocery shopping. >> yes. >> most people think people who are instantly recognizable wouldn't go out to the grocery store to do your shopping. >> the neighborhood that i live in, in new york -- >> i was in a market, once, in malibu. picking up some stuff. and a lady comes up to me and goes, "what are you doing here?" and i said, " i need food." but i don't know why you wouldn't think you wouldn't go into a store.

like, i've been in an elevator, you know, and somebody looks at you and they say, "you look like shelley winters." and i say, "a little bit." [ laughter ] >> do you ever get this, "are you who i think you are?" >> yes, yes. >> yeah, you don't know who they might think you are. >> you know, charlie chaplin once told me -- >> did you know charlie chaplin well? >> yes, very well. i'm writing my new book and nobody's going to talk to me after it. >> are you telling more secrets? >> not real secrets. well, it's hard to explain. i don't really write about sex. i write about human experience, and sex is part of human experience. >> well, that's a nice way to put it, yes. did you and charlie chaplin? >> no, no, no. charlie chaplin's son, sidney chaplin, was a friend of mine at the beverly hills tennis club. that's when i could play tennis. >> you really play well. >> no, go ahead. this is fascinating. >> i had $80,000