okay, that hurt. sabrina, you're going to be late for school. oh! hey! a promotional cap is not a toy. sorry. it's my stupid hair. i know what i need: professional help. you really don't have time... oh! jose eber! way to conjure! okay, be honest with me. am i too light? hey! he's here for me. i don't know where i am or what's going on, but my fee is $1,000 an hour. shake your head, darling.

and i thought i looked pert before. aah... nothing like a run in the morning to make you feel alive. i thought running involved speed. why is the cat dressed like a jockey? coach! i'm her coach. i'm training for a decathlon and no, you're not. did you know that the world's fastest animal is the cheetah? let me share my feline expertise. you only want to be my trainer because the other realm gives generous stipends to coaches. and the fame.

( humming ) either you've had a religious experience or... you saw susie! i just attended a lecture of hers in the other realm. so uplifting. that woman is so inspirational. because of her, i stopped killing for sport. she sounds like a saint. who is she? your no-good uncle clyde's illegitimate daughter. and she's coming to visit you this friday to tell you about the family secret. great. what's the matter? all this talk about susie has me kind of depressed. susie can make anyone feel inadequate. not that. hey, harvey. whoa! you're... that... i picked it out myself. have you lost your sight? no. since my mom's been pregnant she's been too busy to shop for me so i got to buy my whole winter wardrobe alone. you mean there's more? cool. oh, what's that? westbridge is publishing a brochure to attract tourists. they're looking to hire an attractive fun, young couple for the cover.

salinas, you'd swear he was john travolta. if he were taller and had hair. okay, maybe he should also lose the pockmarks. we should try out. we're attractive and fun and boil free. please. we... are the best-looking couple. i thought you were dating dan. dan's a blond. we'd clash. you know, she's so obsessed with her looks. let's prove to her we're cuter. for what? we're going to meet with susie. we're going to shore up the eroding hillsides of venus with kudzu, remember? right. darn it. i can't. my trainer's making me do sprints. really? well, i'm glad to see the two of you have come to an agreement. susie's helping me realize how important it is to have harmony in the family. you break another promise, i'll kill you. thank you, hilda. thank you, thank you, thank you. you'll never regret this decision. you're welcome.

( doorbell rings ) hey, ready to go to the modeling audition? another of your winter outfits? so trying hard didn't make a difference? you know, funny thing-- i went shopping at a swap meet and i picked up a bag of cool guy-clothes. why don't you go try them on? it's like taking a trip to the mall without leaving the house. okay, but it's going to make me want one of those huge cinnamon things. fashionable yet affordable. wow. i've never seen a more brochure-looking outfit. not only that, the pants don't itch. surprise. oh... nice zamboni. say hello to the domin-a-tron. straight from the other realm. it's all ours pending 48 more payments. don't tell me-- when i'm not using it

somebody's been reading the instructions. machine: level-one workout activated. oh, no! you got a talking one. if you need me, i'll be right over here... carbo-loading. ( loud munching ) "famine, pestilence, war..." war. i like it. when did you become a republican? susie's been encouraging me to invent something that will truly benefit mankind. and what are you doing after lunch? i can't decide whether to wipe out disease or hunger... or maybe take a bite out of crime. ( phone ringing ) hello. this is she. that's great! thank you! harvey and i just won the cutest couple contest for the westbridge brochure. that's nice, sweetie. you must be so excited. oh, it's no big deal. i'm just doing my part to help the community. oh! speaking of helping susie will be here soon.

m the best. oh, yes... kate moss, eat your heart out. oh, that's right-- you don't eat. i... can't... make it. salem, a few words of encouragement, please? ( snoring ) didn't work. i'm stopping. do not quit. you can do it. maybe i can. workout complete. you're a winner. you're a winner. was someone complimenting i've got to get going. cousin susie will be here any minute. see you later, big guy. excellent workout. you are a lovely lady. i like this machine. it's so honest. yes! i'll get all the glory with none of the work. by the way, cat i'm going to be the new coach. the fame will be mine and i will crush anyone that gets in my way. it's alive!

lous because i like it better than you. it's a machine. it's not alive. well, i guess it's possible that i'm wrong-- if you pushed a "threaten the cat" button. i wonder what's taking susie so long? she probably stopped to heal the sick. so, she'll want to wash her hands when she gets here. cousin susie! hello, all. what'd you bring me? cousin susie, i've heard so much... whoa! sit by me, dear. i want to apologize for being so late. i stopped to deliver a cauldron of chicken soup to my neighbor. the old lady that lives in the shoe. yes. she's very lonely now that all her children have grown. they don't visit. where could they stay? she turned the toe into a sewing room. well, i try not to judge. oh, cousin susie, you are goodness personified. oh, please. can't you see it? sure.

the family secret. i really don't have time right now. i've got to write a term paper on... "the history of term papers." i think it's for extra credit. harvey, i'm sure whatever you wear will be just fine. no, not plaid! ( knocking ) got to go. i hope i'm not disturbing you. oh, well, actually i was just about to take a shower. we didn't get a chance to talk earlier and i noticed you were a little uncomfortable. oh! i must remember fabric softener when i wash my underwear. sabrina, do you have a problem with the way i look? no, you're a very nice wart... woman! beauty is very important to you, isn't it? no. i'm just not looking at you because i'm... being coy. but looks are fleeting. someday you'll learn that. maybe sooner than you think. what do you mean by that? older witches are supposed to teach things to younger witches.

don't worry. you'll see. time for my pre-breakfast meal. i am your leader. all appliances will obey my every command. ( whirring ) now i know why he was on sale. help! sabrina, it's horrible. just horrible! oh, no. is it my face? oh, good. cousin susie didn't do anything to me. taking over the house. no one is safe. no one! salem, no more sardines and mystery science theater before bedtime for you. ( sobbing ) ( shrieks ) it was really great how i fooled you into thinking i wanted to win that brochure contest. oh, yeah. who'd want to be on a cover where thousands upon thousands of people will see and admire you?

i guess cousin susie was just trying to scare me. harvey : hi, sabrina. oh, hey, harvey...