you thought i was. i'm sorry. captioning performed by by national captioning institute, inc. ? she didn't care if the whole world looked ? joan of arc with the lord to guide her ? she was a sister who really cooked ? ain't you're glad she showed up - oh yeah ? and when the country was falling apart ? betsy ross got it all sewed up ? and then there's maude - and then there's maude ? and then there's maude - and then there's maude ? and then there's maude - and then there's maude ? and then there's ? that uncompromising, enterprising, ? anything but tranquilizing

as to invite walter to our anniversary party when you knew very well i'd invited maude? hello (laughs), you twit! (laughter) - twit? - yes. - lovely party misses harmon. - [vivian] oh! - oh, your rumpus room looks ever so festive. - well, thank you misses naugatuck and i do appreciate your coming over to help us this evening but if you'll excuse me just now, i'm having a fight with my twit. (laughter) he just informed me that he invited - you mean that neither mister findlay nor misses findlay know the other one's coming? - [vivian] exactly, twit! - mister harmon, you really are a twit. (laughter) - oh, poor maude, she's gonna be so embarrassed. - serves her right. hi there, doris. - hi, doris. - if she hadn't insisted on running for the state senate against walter's wishes,

(laughter) - arthur, she only wants a career, a chance to grow and be somebody. - why does she have to grow and be somebody? why can't she be like you? (laughter) - the wife of a twit!

attention: are you eligible for medicare? the medicare enrollment deadline is just a few days away. changes to medicare plans could impact your healthcare costs. are you getting all the benefits available to you? new plans are now available that could increase your benefits and lower how much you pay out of pocket. to update your coverage- or enroll for the first time -- call healthmarkets. we'll help you make sure you have the right medicare plan. hi, i'm doctor martin gizzi. it's a new medicare year. that means more changes... and more confusion. here's what i tell my patients... start by asking ...

have there been changes in your health or medications? the key question is: what can you do now, to ensure you get the care you need in the coming year? to find the coverage you need, call healthmarkets today. new medicare plans in your area may offer better coverage and lower costs. healthmarkets has access to thousands of medicare options from leading insurance companies nationwide. plans that may... cost less... cover more ... with more choices... like dental and vision care. all at a price you can afford. we help find the right plan for you. and we do it at no cost. there were so many benefits i wasn't taking advantage of. healthmarkets can find me the right plan. and their service doesn't cost a cent. when i try shopping on my own, i get nowhere fast. healthmarkets takes away the confusion. too often i see my patients paying more than they need to because they don't know what they're entitled to. make sure you have what you need to get the care

if you miss the deadline, you may have to wait another year before enrolling. call a licensed healthmarkets' agent now. call now. call this number by the deadline... and let healthmarkets find the right medicare plan for you - without cost or obligation. call now. dearest friends in the whole world, viv and doctor arthur harmon. this is bob myers, senator bob myers. he jogs five miles everyday, 10 on sunday. - after church of course. - isn't that fascinating? a religious health-nut. (laughter) - [bob] doctor. - [arthur] senator.

k you misses harmon. - maybe you're right arthur, maybe they do make out. (laughter) - hey senator, what are all those funny xs on top of your head? - oh, i'm glad you asked-- - oh arthur, those aren't xs, those are hair. those are hair transplants that the senator has had sewn to his scalp, at great personal pain to him. - for the old charisma you know? - as if he needed it. a man in his physical condition. never, ever coughed in his entire life. - [vivian] really? - except of course during his annual physical check-ups. (laughter) - hey senator, how much did those transplants run you in washington? i'll bet those d.c. bandits charged you $50 a follicle! (laughter) - (laughs) oh, senator pay no attention to my twitty old husband.

(laughter) pussycat, don't you think you better watch your drinking? - yeah i better, i just took my eye off it and it's empty already. (laughter) hey fuzzy, come on i'll buy you one. - [bob] all right, i think i'll have a republican drink. - how do you make a republican drink? - elect a democrat. (laughter) do you know that he does 200 push ups every night before he goes to sleep? - i'll bet. maude, come here just a minute, i've got to tell you something.

me to tell you-- - [judy] (screams) ouch, my toe! - oh judy, i'm sorry, how is that toe? you know i haven't seen you since you accidentally shot yourself at the gun control assembly. - hi, maude. - [vivian] maude, maude, now, now. (laughter) - [maude] susan. - [vivian] hi, susan. - you know vivian, senator bob has been mentioned rse candidate for the democratic presidential nomination. - really? - right behind kennedy and jackson and muskie and harris and (mumbles). - oh, for goodness sakes. - and carter and humphrey and vincent and wallace and montgomery. - oh, that's fasc-- - askew, and sanford and brown and mccarthy and assemblyman julius wine (mumbles)

- maude come on now, that's not important. listen, i-- listen, arthur invited walter here tonight. - [maude] walter? - [vivian] walter! maude, your walter. - well, i certainly didn't think you meant misses cronkite's walter. (laughter) - oh, i love him. - walter is coming here? - [vivian] yes. - this is really great! this is really great vivian! - [vivian] i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i know how upset you are maude. he'll just absolutely die! - vivian, do you think i'm interested in making walter jealous? it's my life we're talking about vivian. this isn't some 1940 movie. - hey, walter findlay, you old son of a gun! - oh, oh no, he's here, now that's walter, walter's here, walter's here, walter's-- - vivian, vivian, there's no need to panic. i'll simply just get lost in the crowd, he probably won't even notice me.

hing. the man who's coming in is walter. - norman! - [norman] walter, how are you? norman. - [norman] nice to see you. - norman, this is kathy rivers. this is norman johnson. - [kathy] hi. how are you? - [norman] nice to meet you. - what a crazy rumpus room, it looks like the ladies lounge at trader vic's. (laughter) - isn't she sensational?! - what do you think of him, bob? - [bob] oh, he's all right. i think he brought his daughter. - [bob] does he have a niece? - yes. - i think he brought his niece. - she better be three years old. (laughter) (applause) - oh, good evening mister findlay. - [walter] misses naugatuck.

- i'll pass, you walter? - i don't drink kathy, i have a problem. i'm a reformed alcoholic. - that's cool, i dig men who've gone through torment. (laughter) - isn't that nice? misses findlay's been married to four of those so far. (laughter) - vivian, arthur, happy anniversary! - [vivian and arthur] oh, thank you very much. - i want you to meet kathy. - hi, hello you-- - isn't she sensational? - i told you, i told you. - walter listen, i-- - arthur, it's okay. - kathy, i want to introduce you to a great lady. hello maude. - walter, i had no idea. (laughter) - how are you? - very well, thank you walter. - maude, walter, well, look who's not here with each other.

kathy, this is my wife. was my wife. - kathy rivers, walter findlay, this is senator bob myers. he jogs 20 miles a day. (laughter) - walter, maude tells me that you're in appliances. you know my staff has been doing a survey and i'd like your opinion. which is the best hair dryer? (laughter) e separated, we're living apart. we're going to have a divorce but we're still very good friends. - oh i think that's really wholesome, it really is. you know, walter and i live in the same building, but we just met a couple of hours ago in the elevator. - the elevator?

he haven't even discussed living together. (laughter) - you haven't even discussed living with each other and you've known each other for ... oh, you must feel terribly rejected. (laughter) - hey, it's really super the way you're so upfront with your hostility. (laughter) i can really, i can really get into that, because i'm, i believe in total honesty. - you know i believe in total honesty too. - hubba hubba. (laughter) - hubba, hubba? - that's 1945 for far out. (laughter) - misses findlay, since we're really being honest with each other, why did you and walter split up? - kathy, if i leveled with you, can you handle an honest, gut level answer?

and found him in bed with a horse. (laughter) now, while i firmly believe that it is nobody's business what two consenting mammals do in the privacy of their own home -- - hey lady, you've got a lot to learn about being honest. - listen honey, when you are 49, with a face lift behind you and i'll be honest with you. (applause) - you two have a nice talk? - oh, groovy. -yeah, extraordinarily groovy. - oh walter, can i have your keys? i left my organic wine in the car. organic wine is all i drink. - smart. - maude? - [maude] yes, walter? - oh, nothing. - look, you two must have a lot to talk

- you've been seeing a lot of the senator? - oh no look walter, just because the man jogs 35 miles a day is nobody else's business. he simply is helping me out with my campaign. - well he just doesn't seem your type. but then, politics makes strange bed fellows. (laughter) - so does your elevator. (laughter) - hey, come on maude. there's no reason to be jealous. - look, i don't wanna start any of this. - [walter] maude? - [maude] walter i - walter, just because we meet this way, you, the mouseketeer-- - maude! (laughter) - i mean, now you're insanely jealous because i'm here with this terribly attractive senator who jogs 50 miles a day. (laughter) - you're talking about the american bald eagle over there? (laughter) - look who's talking about hair. - what's wrong with my hair? i paid 20 bucks for this hairstyling. it's called the napoleon cut. (laughter)

plause) come on now walter, stop making a fool of yourself. - oh, maude! if i wanna wear my hair this way, i'll wear it this way. if i wanna wear my hair this way, i'll wear it this way. if i want to wear my hair this way, i'll wear it this way. look at this! 20 bucks right down the drain! (laughter) don't tell me about humiliation, t here? - oh my dear misses naugatuck, why are you crying? - i'm so happy to see the findlays together. (distant arguing)

john, we're giving you a raise. that's fantastic! but i'm gonna pass. are you ok? honey, you got another present. no thank you, dad. who says no to more? time warner cable internet gives you more of what you and those little data hoggers want. like ultra-fast speeds up to 300 megs. that's 50x faster than dsl. this internet speed is sick. get 50 meg internet starting at $39.99 a month. call now. and with home wifi, the whole family can be online at once. g reat for kids to stream scary shows while not cleaning their room. you'll also get our exclusive 1-hour arrival window, a money-back guarantee, and there's no contract to sign.

plus, free installation and access to over 500,000 twc wifi? hotspots nationwide. would rex pass up more beef stew? i don't think so.

to do tonight was upset you, because i love you and i miss you. - oh walter, that's exactly the way i feel.

then why are we apart? - walter, i keep asking myself that same question, why are we apart, why are we doing this to each other? why is walter so unreasonable? (laughter) - me? - oh walter, for once in my life, i've been asked to do something worthwhile, something important and what do you do? you walk out on me! - i didn't walk out maude, you drove me out. - i drove you out? walter, i asked you to come to albany with me, what about my life here? - and how about my life, walter? - you know maude, i can't go on with this any more. i mean no matter how hard i try, it always ends up the same. there's no sense talking to you. - there's no sense talking to me, walter? there's no sense talking about us to save our marriage?

but remember this walter, the bigger they are, the harder they fall. (laughter) (gasps) viv, viv, viv, how long has walter been off the wagon? him to drain that glass. - please let go, vivian, i have to help him. - no, you're too upset! now, (mumbles) arthur's with him. - please, i could not never face myself if i didn't at least try, viv! - walter, pal listen, alcohol has poisoned you. what do you think you're doing? - arthur ... maude, perfect piece of poetry. candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

- no, no, not at all. (laughter) - mister findlay? - yes, misses findlay? or should i say ex-misses findlay? or semi ex-misses findlay? - walter, what are you doing? - what does it look like, i'm wetting my whistle. would you like me to wet yours? - walter, let's talk about it. - oh go sit in your seat in the senate. - walter, how can i help you if we don't talk? - you can't. eh, that suddenly makes me feel good. telling you there's something you can't do, because you think you can do everything. - [maude] no, i don't. - yes, you do maude, everything you know, like run for office, move to albany, live without me. walk around with a dry whistle. (laughter) - walter, it hasn't been proven that i can live without you.

ll write to my senator. and until you're elected, leave me alone, okay? hey kathy, kathy! let's go some place and play whiffle ball. - whiffle ball, hey, that's heavy. - happy anniversary to all and to all a good night! - hey, i didn't know you were a whiffle baller. (laughter) - hey maudie, i'm going with, with walter, he needs me to take care of him. - arthur, you're not in such great shape yourself. - vivian, i am a medical doctor. i have an extremely high tolerance for alcohol. (laughter) - oh maude, don't worry.

(laughter) ? (lyrics) why i am ? nobody knows ? (laughter) ? how dry i am ? - the whole neighborhood knows. - i always thought those people like music. - hey, i wonder what happened to kathy? - you lost her in a whiffle ball game. but her shoe is still amongst us. - hey arthur, where did you get that? - kathy let me try it on. but i forgot to try it off. (laughter) - i always said, "you were a spiffy dresser."

- yeah. - i think this is it. is that an eight or a three? - that's a five. (laughter) - then this is it. - oh walter, i really love this bachelor pad you got here, you know. (sings) on the sheet of passing (mumbles). up here with the young chicks, huh? do you lure them up here with your tight hip, hugger slacks? huh, do you turn the lights down low and then when you're kissing them up, do they whisper those sweet, new things in your ear?

- thank heaven, that means he got home all right. you know he always leaves his key in the lock, even when he's sober. it's a bad habit, you know like some people crack their knuckles or clean their ears with a pencil, which incidentally, walter does too. (laughter) - are you all right? - look, i'm just going to take the keys, drop them off in there, make sure

- if you don't mind, bob. - (whispers) okay, sure. - oh, he is such a ... (laughter) (applause) - well, at least when he took her to bed he wanted her to be as tall as i am. (laughter)

?she didn't care if the whole world looked. ?joan of arc, with the lord to guide her, ?she was a sister who really cooked. ?isadora was a first bra burner. ' ya glad she showed up? ?and when the country was falling apart, ?betsy ross got it all sewed up. ?and then there's maude. ?right on maude!? - [carol] mother? mother, where are you? - [nell] mrs. findlay! mrs. findlay! - where could she be? it's seven o'clock in the morning. - [nell] i don't know. - bed hasn't been slept in.

was when she came in at two o'clock this morning. - you were up at two o'clock this morning? - oh, i just happened to be here at the bar. - she had a date with senator myers last night. did he bring her home? - yes, but they were so late that your mother suggested he stayed over. i made up the sofa for him in the den. - must be so depressed. - ?(lyrics) [maude] i am woman, hear me roar. (laughter) (maude singing) - mother. mother. mother, ever since you decided to run for the state senate and walter walked out on you, you've been so upset. - carol, honey, it doesn't matter.

and found walter in bed with... carol, walter and i are finished, over, through. so i've decided to paint the entire house. (singing) - [carol] mother, come on, let's have some coffee mother. - i love this color. i found it in the garage. it's the new me, carol. bold, independent, sort of a brash olive

at five o'clock from the hospital. it seems he'd gotten an emergency call on his beeper,

isn't that amazing? and he had no sooner removed one rubber glove than his beeper beeped again, and guess what he removed then? - the other rubber glove he left in the first patient. - no. - no. - an appendix, from a complete stranger. oh, he is such a sight. - look, vivian, i am very sorry. i am terribly, terribly- - [nell] oh, i'll have this sponged off in a jiffy, senator. an old bath robe of mr. findlay's in the cupboard there. i spilled coffee on his pants, and he's got an important event in washington this afternoon. nothing hurts a senator's credibility more than wet pants. (laughter)

- mother, what are you looking for? - oh, that italian phrase i was going to use at the daughters of italy luncheon this afternoon. - it's ah, buona fortuna e buon mangiare a tutti, and it means good luck and good eating to all. - buona fortuna, oh, how am i going to remember that, carol? i'll just, i'll have to say, "viva la poppee". - mother, i think you should skip campaigning for today. - please, carol, carol, i don't want to hear anymore. i mean, why don't you just get off my back. - you wanna know why? - yes, i do. - because you're my mother, and i love you. - oh, honey, i'm so sorry. oh, carol, when i walked into that apartment last night with senator bob and found walter in bed with that...

after only three weeks of separation, and the fact that he's drinking again just kills me. oh, carol, i love walter so much, and i hate him. - [vivian] ah, ah, ah, excuse me. ah, i have just remembered something that i have to do in my own home. (laughter) when you started. career versus marriage never is. - walter isn't against my career, carol. he's against my career in albany. you know, selling the store and just dragging along. - will you stop defending him? and stop assuming all the guilt? look, walter walked out on you because of an inconvenience to him. - oh, come on, carol- - mother, yes, it's a severe inconvenience,

the one who refuses to even compromise. and the whole time, he's carrying around this big banner that says, if you don't do it my way, maude, 100 percent, then you don't love me. well, walter has to meet you half way, doesn't he? i mean he has to give a little. i mean, isn't that what an honest relationship is all about? - you know, carol, there's something i've been wanting something... something i feel i can tell you now. - what? - buona fortuna e buon mangiare a tutti. (laughter)

cathy? listen, about last night, cathy... you see, i really love my wife. cathy, please, cathy, wake up. (laughter) (laughter) - thank god, arthur, it's you. - walter? oh, right. ahhhh! oh boy.

- i'm such a stupid jerk. drinking again after two years. arthur, what's this? - huh? that's cathy's shoe. - [walter] what happened to the rest of her? - i don't know, maybe we drank her. no, i remember now. just before she called us drunken bums thank heavens i thought to call vivian when i woke at five this morning. i told her i was at the hospital, operating. i think i gotta freshen up. - yeah, good luck, i'll make some breakfast. - breakfast? - what'll you have, chili or tuna fish? (laughter) - dumb walter findlay, (door knock)

- you dumb, stupid idiot, walter findlay. - vivian, what are you doing here? - nevermind that. i've just been to see maude, and you'll be glad to know that she's just sick over what you've done. just sick! you know, you could learn a lesson from arthur. while you were out carousing around with that teenage twinkie, do you know where arthur was? at the hospital, removing gall bladders and appendixes and all kinds of icky little things. oh my god, she's still here. i don't wanna see her, i don't wanna see her! - her, who? - i refuse to be exposed to that tramp who spent the night here last night. - vivian! - my god, the two of you shared her.

was the only one with something to worry about. ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. - maude? what does she know about this? - oh, she was so worried about you, she came over here last night and found you in bed with that young lady. - vivian, that was no lady. that was your husband. (laughter) cathy didn't come home with us. - oh, maude... oh, maude thought i was in bed with... - [arthur] now walter, listen. - why do i do everything wrong? why do i have to hurt her? i deserve to be kicked like a dog! (laughter) you actually did it. - now you go over and apologize to her this minute. - she actually did it. - you actually kicked him. vivian, i'm ashamed of you. - is that all you men are good for?

ckle, fickle, go sit on a pickle. - now just one moment, vivian. i woke up here at five in the morning. i didn't know where i was. i smelled a lot of alcohol, and i just assumed i was in a hospital. (laughter) (vivian hissing) - [walter] i'm seeing maude. i have to be calm and rational. (laughter)

you didn't read your car insurance policy. you just stuck it in a drawer somewhere and forgot about it.

ruck. does your policy cover the cost of a tow truck? who knows? you didn't read it. you can't even find it. the liberty mutual app with coverage compass? makes it easy to know what you're covered for and what you're not. call liberty mutual for a free quote today at coverage compass? gives you the policy information you need at a glance. available 24/7 on your mobile device. switch to liberty mutual and you could save up to $509. call that's liberty stands with you?. liberty mutual insurance. maude, i would be no more unfaithful to you

(laughter) - ha ha ha, this is really funny. i mean, no sooner do you use the word "unfaithful" than out comes senator bob from our den wearing your bathrobe and without his trousers. i mean, it's true that i have a perfectly good excuse, just the way you did, but, ha, ha, what a riotous coincidence. i spent the night with a man, and so did you. (laughter) - that's not funny, walter. - i'll drink to that. - [maude] walter, listen walter! - [senator] now walter, i know what this looks like, but it's- - walter, senator bob spent the night in the den on the sofa. mrs. naugatuck accidentally spilled some coffee on his trousers, that's all. i mean, you certainly don't think that there's anything going on between bob and me. i mean, come on, walter, that's silly.

i mean, that's crazy. i mean- - alright, you've made your point! your trousers are out in the kitchen. - i don't like that guy. - oh come on, walter, why must you drink? - who wouldn't wanna drink? look what you put me through with your dumb campaign. i mean, but i must realize that a big time politician like maude findlay doesn't have any time to feel guilty - oh come on, walter, that's bull, and you know it. walter, any honest relationship calls for give and take. can't you give a little, walter? - maude, when you're up in albany, making life better for everybody, just remember a small-time appliance dealer back in tuckahoe every once in awhile because that's one life you really fouled up. - walter, please don't. walter, please. - leave me alone. - please, walter, please.

you win. i'll quit the race. but i have to honest with you, walter. it'll be a long time before i set down anything gently in this house. - ah, maude, that's how you feel now, but you'll get over it. you'll see, we'll work it out. oh, vivian and arthur, she's staying home, and so am i. let's celebrate. i'll get some ice and fix you a drink. - maude, really? - if i don't, walter'll drink himself to death. oh, but vivian, it is so unfair. it is so damned unfair. - maudie, listen.

you're making a big mistake. - arthur, a bloody mary. - no thanks, walter. remember, walter's an alcoholic, maudie. you're not responsible for that. you have got to detach yourself with love, because if he wants to drink, he'll find an excuse no matter what you do. - [maude] arthur, in my head, i know that, but in my heart, i love him. i can't see him just end up in the gutter. - i'll just go in and break the news to senator bob. - [walter] great. - well walter, i guess this solves your problem. maude made her decision. - and what do you think of her decision? - i think it sucks scissors.

i won! - won? won what? happiness through blackmail? you know, you're like a baby throwing a temper tantrum. everybody has to give in to walter findlay because he's an alcoholic. i don't like you very much right now, walter. - [carol] mother, mother, come on. lter! - [walter] hey carol, i got something to tell you. - no later, mother has to watch herself on tv. where is she? - [walter] in the kitchen. - [carol] mother! mother, come on, everybody. mrs. naugatuck, come on, come on. - [carol] it's time for good morning, tuckahoe. - [newscaster] you were quoted as saying that even though you're running for the state senate, you have your eye on the presidency. - oh no, no, no, i was misquoted. no, what i said was, i have my eye on the president.

have you gaining rapidly on your opponent for the democratic primary, james kunkle. how would you explain that? - very simply, the emergence of women in our society, for as new woman magazine so aptly puts it, jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. jack fell down and broke his crown, and jill went on to complete the assignment, much to the great admiration of her employer, far exceeding the expectations of all those who assumed she had no capacity. - [carol] ah, i love it. i love it. - [newscaster] ...run for political office. are you happier this way? - how can you define happiness? it's a feeling that we women have for each other

have ever been before. by free i mean free to do and to be whatever we want. it's so exciting. - oh mother, you're marvelous. - [maude] i love the life that i led before i entered the race. i loved being a homemaker, i loved raising a child, and i'd like to think that i was successful at it. but i don't know, now i, i have a chance to achieve isn't that a marvelous word? because, i don't know, if you don't strive, then the door to life remains forever shut, and that person just wanders through the rest of her life wondering what might have happened if she had walked through, you know? and i walked through.

i can never regret that. - [newscaster] now, let's ask a few practical questions. do you believe in higher taxes for the state? - [maude] oh, in the matter of taxes, i'd like to quote something from a speech i made just last week. the matter of higher taxes is one that everyone would like to avoid. - ah, gives me goose bumps. but i think... - maude, what are you doing? - fixing your breakfast. - maude, you were wonderful on that tv show. you're lighting up that whole screen. i've never seen you so alive, so vibrant, so damned happy. - would you like bacon with your eggs? - yes. - you got it.

maude, i know when i'm up against something that i shouldn't fight. - you mean you don't want the bacon. - will you pay attention to me? i said, you win. run for the state senate. - look walter, is this some kind of a joke? - i'm serious, maude, i want you to run. - you mean to tell me you've changed your mind in two and a half minutes? - maude, i need you. it's not because of the booze. i beat that before, and i'll beat it again. maude, i need you because i so dreadfully miss you. - look walter, - maude, sit down and listen to me. - [maude] honey, are you sure? - maude, you sit down and listen to me. - [maude] i think you should. - maude!

i mean, i'd rather have a part-time wife who's happy than a full-time wife who's... listen, if i learned to live with federal income tax, i can learn to live with a state senator, though both ideas depress me. - oh walter, i mean, after all this time, and all this arguing, how can i be sure that you mean this? - you really do mean it? (walter nods) walter, stand. oh, i love you, i love you.