ntnt esther? lamont, pour me a shot of booze. a shot of what? just an ounce of alcohol, please. what's the matter, aunt esther? i mean, i never seen you drink before. lamont, hurry up. hurry up, please. hurry up. all right. here you go. [spits] [coughs] this stuff is bad. really bad. but not as bad as i thought. ok. now, is there something wrong? you wanna tell me what's the matter?

that man is the most miserable, low down, sneak slidin' snake sinner i ever seen. keep your voice down, aunt esther. he's upstairs sleepin'. i ain't talkin' about your father. i'm talkin' about my soon to be ex-husband. oh, you and woody had a fight, huh? drinkin' and smokin' ain't so bad, but the way he looks at other women is disgustin'. oh, come on, aunt esther. oh, no? when he walk down the street, i have to put a bib on him to keep him from droolin' all over his self. why does he want to look at other women? aw, aunt esther, look. now, i know you're upset, but look, i'll tell you what. look. everything is gonna be ok. all right. now, we'll go for a walk and we'll talk it over

yeah. but i feel so sorry for your father. you feel sorry for my father? why you feel sorry for my father? because even though i've never had a drop of alcohol in my life, i know cheap liquor when i taste it. hey, lamont. lamont. [knock on door] come on in. [knock on door] i said come on in, didn't i? what do you want me to do? come out here and don't come when i tell you. come on in. fred. hey, woody. you're just in time for breakfast. good. say, uh, how you like your eggs?

you know, i--i--i think i've lost the will to live. but you ain't lost your will to drink. why you so upset? esther and i just had the fight to end all fights. well, did you punch her in the face? no. you want me to do it for you? you know, fred. i think esther and i are through. wait a minute, now. through. that's too much. now, that's serious business. yeah. well, i know it's serious, but i've had enough. look. 30 years. 30 years of marriage. and you know them marriage vows are awful strict. you know, say through sickness and through health, and, uh, for better or worse, and--and the main thing is until death do us part. and you know what i think of that? what?

huh? the way esther always accuse me of runnin' around with other women. well, do you? no. you--want me to do it for you? now, look, fred. i really wanna make my marriage work, but i need your help. well, i don't know. now, please, fred. i'm asking you as a friend. ok, then. well, now, here's what to do. uh, fool around. what? i mean, not fool around for real fool around. just fool around to make esther jealous and then she'll-- that'll make you appealing to her and she want you back. i can see the two of you back together now. appealing and appalling. but--but that's no good, fred. you see, i--i don't know any girls. you don't? no. well, leave that to ready freddy. let me... let me get my black book out. hey, you got a little black book?

. yeah. i'm something else all right. listen here. how do you like that? now, in here is 15 years of the biggest hits, including some oldies and some goodies. wow. it sure is huge. you--you sure know a lot of women. no, it ain't that huge, you know what i mean. it's just--i don't know too many women, but i just got them lined up here and listed 3 different ways. see, in alphabetical order. then, i got them in sizes. and then, according to their most recent performance. no, no. it's... that's--it's no use, fred. i--i never be a romeo like you. well, that's true. you could say that as many times as you want to. hey, look here. i think i--i think i met a girl the other day that would be perfect for you. oh, really? yeah. see, i met her in the supermarket. see, i was buying some corn and she was buyin' some lima beans. and we bumped into each other. and immediately succotash.

uh, laverne gomez. she's part french and part indian and spanish. and i'll leave the best part for you. i got her phone number. i'll call her up for you now. well, i don't know, fred. maybe--maybe i'm acting a little hasty. you know, maybe esther isn't all that bad. yes, she is. she's bad, woody. i'm tell you the truth. when esther was a little girl, a guy drove up beside her and offered her some suckers to get under his car. hey, fred. now, esther's still my wife. well, you have my sympathy on that. i just go ahead and call the girl here. well, all right, but--but what am i gonna say to her? well, i mean you know what to say to her. just be natural. that's the main thing. see, the trick is for these girls is just to relax. be normal. relax. here it is right here. see, and don't try to put on no airs. just be calm. ok. [deep voice] hello there.

hey, listen. uh, i was just recently describing you to a very debonair friend of mine and, uh, according to his actions, i'm sure he got the hot to trot. here he is. now, go ahead and make a date with her and i'll go fix us a pot of coffee. ok. uh, hello. uh, laverne. yes, uh, la-woody here. yes, um, i'm fine. thank you. i would love to meet you, too. yeah. feel any better, aunt esther? oh, i think so. you know, maybe woody and i can work somethin' out. he's not such a bad man. you know, i'm sure everything is gonna be just fine, aunt esther. now, look. let's go in the house and i'll get the keys to the truck and drive you home. all right? all right. see, you feel better all ready. yeah, i feel much better. [laughing] you know, that's really funny. you know, you have a great sense of humor. say, listen.

hello, woodrow, darling. and fix the leak under the kitchen sink. woodrow. would you please forgive me? it was all my fault. well, why--just forget it, esther. maybe we can try again, huh? well, if you cut down on drinkin' and smokin' i promise i won't be jealous of you and other women. and find me appealing? well, might be pretty hard, but sure. oh, hey. now that's what i like to see. that's--that's beautiful. well, there you are, woody. hey, esther, what are you doin' here? what do you mean what am i doin' here? well, wolf woman don't usually come out until there's a full moon. hey, pop. why don't you dig yourself? man, can't you see that uncle woody and aunt esther are back together again? yeah. oh. well then you won't be wantin' this coffee, woody.

staying awake married to that. that's enough with the insults, fred. i'm going home with my wife. come on, baby. you do that, uncle woody. you tell him, baby. we goin' home. [telephone rings] hello. hey, wait a minute. hey, woody. laverne wants to speak to you. laverne? who is laverne? oh, that's all right, esther. that's all over with now. over? bye. you must have had to start somethin' to get somethin' over. so, if you done started something, now, you see. there you go again. convicting me without a trial. now, i'm gettin' tired of you thinkin' i've done something wrong when i haven't done anything wrong. now, let me tell you one thing, woodrow. i am not leaving this house until i find out about this laverne woman. well, good. fred, go get some cement. we'll make us a statue. fred: yeah. ok. what? now let me tell you one thing, i can't trust you at all. [esther and lamont shouting] the minute i turn my back you fool around

you ain't nothin' but a sinner. this is it. i don't want you no more. i'm through. well, now, that's just fine with me, too. good-bye. hey. wait a minute. where you going? i will not stay in that house with this man no more. lamont, can i sleep in your room? sure, aunt esther. go ahead. help yourself. thank you. now you did it. now you went and did it. esther gonna be in this house. [moans] [moans] esther's gonna be here. elizabeth, i'm comin', honey. i know i'm coming this time.

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my my. poor little couch. i know you haven't been dusted in years. my my. poor little couch. i bet this is the first time you been sat on by a buffalo. poor little walls. i feel so sorry for you. to have to stay here and hear the language that comes out of this house. poor wall. you oughta be glad you ain't go no eyes

why don't you move your smelly old feet so i can get the nap up on the rug. why don't you bend over so i can put my foot where it'll raise the nap on your head? why, you old bean-eatin', beady-head, barrel-huggin' donkey. listen. it take a jackass to know a donkey. why you--you don't tell me-- i'm gonna tell you anything. no, you ain't gonna tell me nothin'. i'm gonna knock you out and you know it. wait a minute! don't tell me. i thought you two wasn't gonna talk to each other. well, son, i wasn't gonna say a word, but she came down here and tried to turn my sofa and wall against me. listen. no, you listen. you see these 2 fists here? they stereo. and i'm gonna put 'em both in your ears. why. wait a minute. just stop it. [knock on door] come in. hello, mr. sanford.

t i'd drop by to see if i could be of some assistance when i heard the disheartening clamor of a personal altercation. uh, it was her. it was him. her. him. would you two stop it? it was you! would you just stop it? lamont, i believe we have here a 415. what's a 415? unsolved domestic squabble. now, mrs. anderson, i think you should know that we policemen are specifically trained in the psychological problems emanating from the aggressive tendencies between espoused couples. to settle your little differences amicably and intellectually? what you should do is run right home, look your husband straight in the face, and sing, ? it's so nice to have a man ? ? around the house ? ? riggidy tick ? [laughing] that was just a little mad cap musicality, you know, that i threw in there to try to ease the tension a bit. uh. [laughing] uh, mrs. anderson, if i may speak to you a moment perhaps we can straighten this thing out.

i--i gotta spend another 24 hours with esther? i'd rather drink muddy water and ? sleep in a hollow log ? pop, would you just do it for me? it's only 24 hours. i mean, what could it hurt? all right? ok. one more day. right. just be calm. i'll be calm. be cool. be cool. and be collected. be collected. one day i'll be calm, cool, and collected. mrs. anderson and i have solved the entire problem. she is going to get a divorce and she'll be staying right here with you. but, uh, oh, probably for no more than 6 months. 6 months? son, call forest lawn and tell them i'm calm, cool, and ready to be collected. 6 months. [humming] hey, what's happenin', pop? love is happenin', son. love. how about this? that's--that's hip. all this for aunt esther and uncle woody? yeah. kinda classy, ain't it?

well, see, they don't know it yet, but i'm gettin' these two love birds together so i can get that buzzard out of my house. well, i see you still haven't learned your lesson. sure i have. look where i got the bouquets right here, son. see, it's sittin' right there in front of esther's face so woody won't have to see it. that's not what i'm talking about, pop. i'm talking about interferin' with a husband and wife when they're arguin'. listen, i know what i'm doing. all right. i just don't wanna have nothin' to do with it. i'm goin' upstairs and get cleaned up. as long as you know what you're doin'. i know what i'm doin'. [knock on door] come on in. hey, woody. hey, fred. say, i got this invitation to dinner from esther. oh, isn't that wonderful? esther's so lovable. so warm. she's such a--such a--such a thing. yeah. yeah. listen to this, fred. "roses are red. "mustards are green. come over for dinner and we'll lick our plates clean."

[sighs] hey. hello, woodrow darlin'. why hello, esther. thanks for the dinner invitation. invitation? but i thought-- listen, why don't the two of y'all-- esther, come around over here and sit down, honey. just sit down right here. sit down, woodrow. uh, listen. uh. [clears throat] see, this is the best dinner i ever fixed in my life for y'all. know what i'm havin'? oysters rockefeller. and spaghetti under glass. and for dessert, something continental. uh, twinkies flamb?. well, listen. you two get together and enjoy yourself. i'll be right back. oh, fred. you didn't have to go to all this trouble. fred: i know that. just enjoy the champagne there, darlin'. champagne. nothin' but the best. nothin' but the best from your husband woody. french wine. straight from the...

[violin music playing] you two just get cozy. get real cozy. i'll be back, now.

woodrow, i missed you. did you miss me? well, yes. i--i guess i did, esther. oh. woodrow, how do i really look? oh, you look just like a big bouquet of flowers. aw, you so sweet. here you are. that's nice. there they are. isn't that romantic? holding' hands. that's nice. i'll be back. look here, son. they holdin' hands. and woodrow ain't even wearing his work gloves. oh, man. don't you ever know when to stop? fred. lamont.

see, didn't i tell you? i knew what i was doin'. fred sanford. the king of hearts. [knock on door] come in. hi. i'm jackie. laverne's sister. uh, uh, jackie? laverne's sister? that's right. she said there's a fellow here who wants to swing. where is he? uh. swing? who? it must be some mistake. start talkin', woody. i--i... get-- uh, there's no mistake. your gypsy prince. no. come on. oh, he's cute. come on, cuddles. come on. help me here. help me, son. help me. save me. hey, i ain't got no money. oh, i got lots of cash, cuddles. you got a briefcase? where you keepin' it? in this piggy bank?

ahh. yes. penin', cuddles? hey, look. aunt esther called, man. she said everything is fine at home with her and uncle woody. how was your date with jackie? uh, son, we went to a disaster movie. where? yeah. sound of music. pop, the sound of music is not a disaster movie. it is when you're walking down the aisle with jackie and she slipped on a milky way