hey, how are you, fred? hey, fine, harvey, how's hortense? you know my son, lamont. sure, hi, lamont. how you doing, harvey? look, we'd like to talk to you, but we've got an appointment with mr. phillips, and we're a little late. yeah, that's right. see, we're going to see him about, regarding a conglomerate merger, and some deficit financing, and corporate restructure. uh, broke again, huh, fred? now, wait a second. yeah, you got it, harvey. do i look broke? you look like my brother al. your brother al's dead. uit he was buried in. come on, pop, let's go. it's nice seeing you, harvey. yeah, right, son. hey, listen here, harvey. you stick around. see, when we come back out here, we're gonna need somebody to protect us with all this money we're fixing to get. hey, let me explain something to you, pop. now, you're not gonna get this $1,500 as fast as you think you are, you know. listen, as soon as phillips hears what we want it for, he'll be glad to give it up. yeah, and then maybe you can give that suit up. uh, excuse me, please,

oh, mr. sanford, please sit down. thank you, but i'll just sit down. and you are? lamont sanford. yes, lamont here, he's secretary- treasurer of our conglomerate, and chairman of my distributing chain, and vice emperor of our empire. oh, it's nice to meet the both of you. i pass your empire everyday on my way to work. ms. rhodes, please hold the calls. yeah, listen here, and hold mine too. now, what can i do for you? not a thing, it's what we can do for you, mr. magnesia. that's phillips. your business is to loan money, ain't it? i mean, is it not? uh, yes. well, i'm here to help you stay in business. we'll take $1,500, and now, where do i sign?

see, we're thinking of an expansion program. yes, an expansion program. yeah, we want to take over an existing piece of property-- piece of property. and develop it to its full potential. we're full of potential. oh, that sounds very interesting. we knew you'd feel that way. now, where do i sign? oh, now wait a minute. it's a little more complicated than that. i'll need a little more information. ok, but let's speed it up, shall we? i mean, you'll find that our financial position is strong, our fiscal earnings are up, and our parking meter is running out. well, see, there's a house next to us that's just recently been vacated, and we want to take it over. uh, buy it? no, we want to rent it. we feel that the money that we get for the rent would, you know, give us a nice little income. oh, that sounds good. thank you. where do i sign? now, um, how did you arrive at your $1,500 figure?

where'd you arrive at your $15 looking face? mr. sanford, i can understand your impatience, but i need to know why you want the $1,500. well, first we gotta pay the last month and first month's rent, and uh, you know, do a little plumbing, a little advertising, and we wanted to get a sign. yeah, and then clean up the place, because, see, the previous tenant was a puerto rican named julio, and it's going to cost us-- it's going to cost us a couple hundred dollars just to get rid of them chili stains. [no audio] well, it seems feasible. well, fease it! and, as you know, we're anxious to help the small businessman. small businessman? well, i'm only 5'7. i mean, here, that's my signature. now you put it anywhere you want to. but just give me my $1,500. um, is this to be a personal loan?

e, our tax man thought it would be to our advantage if we took out a business loan, you know, when it comes time to fill out income tax. that's what bubba said? uh, now, what collateral do you have? huh? uh, you know, stocks, bonds, uh, property, uh, gold, diam-- keep on going, keep on going, we got something. uh, mr. sanford, i can't believe that you've been in business all these years and you have no collateral to put up? please believe it. mr. sanford! listen, i got a sister-in-law named esther. now you can shove her up your vault until i get the money to pay you back. look, i'm gonna gamble with you. let's just fill out this form. thank you. hey, you're not going to be sorry, mr. phillips. look, excuse me for a minute. i gotta go put some money in the parking meter. ok, now, you wanna come back in, just knock on the door, and the guard will let you in. ok. hey, pop, you got a nickel for the meter? nickel? say, maggie.

i think so. well, let my son have a nickel and make that loan out for $1,500 and 5 cents. hey, pop, try and answer the questions straight. no fooling around, all right? i know what i'm doing. just go ahead, i know what i'm doing. you think i'm crazy? go ahead, man. um, age. upper fifties. exactly how upper? uh, 57. uh, teen. 67. i'm sorry, gentlemen. we are closed. good, we make it a rule never to hold up an open bank. well, sir, you can come back and, uh-- uh, the withdrawal slips are the pink ones on the right. you don't have to announce us, we'll introduce ourselves. can i do it, al? this is my first time, and i want it to be special. sure, mel, go ahead. oh, what a guy! [clearing throat] hi, everyone! this is an armed robbery, and one of us is a known killer.

how was i, al? you did good, kid. good. all right, everybody, on the floor! come one! come around here. listen, now, remember, i was the first one here, so hold out my $1,500. come on, mr. ambassador. you too, on the floor! listen, listen, pal, just leave $1,500 here, because they've got thousands of the stuff here, over in the vault. just leave my $1,500. you men don't have a chance to get out of here with this money. we'll get out of here with all of it. listen, well, you better sit down, out a lot of forms. hey, i don't want to hurt you, old man! old man? old man? listen, who you calling old man? i'll be 103 thursday night. look, why don't you guys just forget about this job? i've pushed the alarm, the police could be here any minute!

and you, open that vault. that's impossible. listen, dummy, open that vault! open it up before you risk your life! don't risk your life, give them what they want! less my $1,500! [knock on door] al, there's somebody at the door! lamont: hey, harvey, it's me! who's me? go away, me! come on, open it up, open it up. and if there's any trouble, we shoot! oh, please, let it be esther! how come it took you so-- what do you think is going on? it's a bank robbery, dummy! and we're the bank robbers. i'm melvin herman and this is al-- shut up! robinson. melvin herman? oh, my gosh, lamont! lamont sanford! melvin herman, the cheerleader from junior high school? well, i used to be a cheerleader, now i'm a bank robber. give me a "b," give me an "a," give me an "n," give me a "k."

un] that was you! oh, whoops. now, ok, pal, on the floor, come on! yeah, on the floor, on the floor, on the floor. [sirens approaching] see, i told you they'd be here! all right, everybody over here. come on, move it! first cop through that door, this thing goes off. what about my loan? you've got bigger problems, now. there. come out with your hands up. [yelling] you make one move, and these 7 hostages get it!

now, for the last time, i'm telling you, everybody on the floor! for the first time i'm telling you,

u your final warning! now, this whole thing is starting to get me a little jittery. now, you've got one more chance to get out of here unharmed. if you cooperate, understand? cooperate! i'm cooperating! everybody get on the floor, i ain't gonna tell you again! on the floor! al: we want to talk! he wants to talk! policeman: we've got nothing to say. they ain't got nothing to say. yeah, i heard them. well, i'm just cooperating. you got nothing to say, huh? well, let me help you out. uh, how about, uh, "isn't it a shame that all those hostages got shot?" policeman: all right, come out and we'll talk. uh-uh, no, no, no, you send the cop in! and i'll tell him what we want. make sure he's unarmed, and just to make sure he's not carrying anything, have him strip to his shorts. gosh, he'll catch his death! you promised we weren't going to be cruel. you just can't get good help these days,

cop or not? policeman: ok, he's coming in. [knock on door] uh, officer hopkins here for the peace talks. before we begin all this negotiating, i have got to know the condition of the people you're going to kill. hey, we're all fine, hoppy. well, i think i would prefer a professional medical opinion on that. mr. sanford, how's your heart? well, if my heart goes, i can always borrow one off your underwear. are you really a cop? yes, i am a cop. and i wear my uniform with unmitigated pride.

you, what about you? you are the head crook, i presume? is that correct? yes, you are correct. and this is what we want. oh, ok, shoot. i mean, uh, go ahead. a car outside that door. a car outside the door. all you cops, gone. cops to be gone. and a plane at the airport. and a-- a plane where? at the airport! oh yeah, at the airport. yeah, a plane at the airport. what about 'em? well, they will have to be released before we can acquiesce to any of these demands. no deal. well, you can't get them all in the car. i get carsick! would you rather be shot? oh, i'll share the drivin' and chip in on the gas. now, about these hostages that appear to be doomed. all right, we'll keep one and let the rest go. if you need a volunteer, i'll stay.

proud of him. yeah, thanks a lot, pop. i hope you realize that your chances of survival with this mad dog killer are quite slim. however, you will be remembered as the man with the big heart. and the big mouth. yes. well, i will relay all of these requests to my superiors. and no tricks! well, i, uh, have nothing up my sleeve! [laughs] because i... i'll just go and tell them. gee, lamont, you're so strong and heroic, i wish i had gotten to know you better in algebra. yeah, i might be whatever you are! what ever are you? a junkman. maybe algebra isn't all that important. hey, look, i'm not heroic or anything, i just don't want anybody to get hurt, you know? policeman: you in there. office hopkins has given us your demands.

they're on their way. come on, everybody, out. lamont, son, you the best son a father could hope for. but i don't want you sacrificing your life for me. i mean, you're young. you're young and you got your whole life ahead of you. i'll be the hostage. you go. he is going. you're staying. but he volunteered! look, i'm running this robbery, and you see, they wouldn't take a chance with an old man in here. come on, get going. hey, now that's good, now everybody's gone. now you go in there and crack that safe and get my $1,500, y'all can keep the rest. get that car and get out of here! wait a minute, what do you intend doing with me? oh, you coming in the car with us. then? well, you'll be our protection all the way to the airport. and then? then you gonna get in the plane with us.

row you out. [moaning] here it is... [unintelligible] this is the biggest one of all times, honey, oh, open up the big vault in the sky, elizabeth. i'm about to make a deposit! meet me, honey! do you think we scared him too much? yeah, he looks bad! it's here, elizabeth. i'm coming, honey. meet me at the gates! i'll be the one with no money! he looks ready to cash in! - hey, you promised me there'd be no trouble. and i promised my wife. if she knew it was going to be this awful, she would have put a kibosh on the whole thing. kibosh? hey, quiet, i'm thinking! oh! quiet, he's thinking! oh. hey, if he dies, this could be a murder rap! lamont: hey, al, i forgot to tell you, my father's got a heart condition. well, if he don't want a hole in the head condition, you better get away from there! do what he says, lamont! he's vicious!

policeman: we're awaiting your car. i'm halfway there, elizabeth! oh, hello, cloud. wait a minute, wait a minute! hey, the old man is dying in here! hey, send in some help! but no policemen, just doctors. hey, i'm freddy, are you gabriel? oh, hurry up! hey, look, hey, you'll be all right! hey, we're not killers! we're just a couple of guys trying to make a living. and i'm just a little guy trying to make a dying. [knock on door] [groaning] er! come on, right this way, we need some help! hurry up, before he dies! you, too! hands up! up against the counter! let's go, let's go. hey, what about me? your son said you were ok. that dummy! what if i was dying? everything's under control. hey, pop, are you ok? no, i'm not ok! suppose i was having a real big one! and i was going! you wasn't going nowhere until you get the money for that loan, and you know it.

claim the reward! is there a reward for these dudes? no, i'm sorry, mr. sanford. there's nothing. you know, i hate you, you know that? but i'll take into consideration your bravery when i process your application. you're nice. ah, ah, there you are. safe and sound. yeah. it could have been dead and gone. oh, never fear, mr. sanford. the law is here! oh, and by the way, lamont, here's a citation. overtime parking on the truck. how would you like an overdue punch in your nose? we'll take care of that ticket, mr. sanford. oh, yeah, you know, you turned out to be all right. and let us know about the loan. oh, you'll get your loan. really? i mean, that's great! really, you'll give us a loan? you hear that, lamont? that means we gonna be able to open up "sanford arms." hey, that's great, that's great, pop. yeah. that's really great. bye, lamont. i'm sorry it turned out this way, melvin. oh, that's ok. you know, i really envy you. you have something i never had. a really wonderful marvelous father. if i'd of had a father like him,

a better human being. it's been an honor, sir. you know, i really liked him. why couldn't you be more like that dummy? you say this is gonna be live? that's correct. uh, good afternoon, don martinson here, reporting from the state federal bank in watts. now, the gentleman standing next to me, is mr. fred sanford. "g." fred g. sanford. oh, i'm sorry, mr. fred g. sanford. uh, mr. sanford successfully thwarted an attempt at bank robbing this afternoon at this very bank. mr. sanford, what you did took a lot of courage. courage. daring. daring. guts. guts. brains. brains. ? and a little chiffafa on the side ? [inaudible] uh, mr. sanford. mr. sanford, excuse me, i'm sure

why you did this. i mean, why would you risk your life for this bank? well, the answer to that is very simple. see, i risked my life because this bank is an important part of our community. right, mr. phillips? yes, sir. and because it helps people like me. that's right. i see. i'm not finished yet. this bank was good to me. you see, i came in here for a loan. they granted it. that's right. i risked my life because i felt i owe them something that's right! he said that's right, you heard him, america! $1,800 bucks! listen, you wanna know why we need that $1,800? no, not really. here. hello, america. this is my son lamont. we're the owners of the new sanford arms. every wall has a ceiling,

yeah, i'd just like to say-- thank you, sir, for that unsolicited testimony. excuse me. thank you. excuse me, mr. sanford, i find that we're running out of time, but before we sign off, i'm sure that the millions and millions of viewers would live very much to know, well, perhaps, you'd give them one inspirational thought since you are the hero of the hour. how about that, mr. sanford? millions of viewers. millions. well, only because you insisted. ? beyond compare ? [singing inaudibly]

look at this check, son. $1,800. yeah. tomorrow we'll deposit it. all right. hey, i still don't know why you didn't want to put this in our account today. well, see, this way, it's a new account, and we can get a toaster. oh, yeah, that's a good idea. i'll deposit it the first thing in the morning, yeah, and then the next thing we oughta do is give our place a little class. yeah, we need some class. yeah, see, 'cause all them fancy hotels, they have they own emblem. oh, we should have an emblem? i can see it now. all the sheets and pillowcases and towels, silverware of sanford arms, will have beautiful emblems on them. oh, yeah. "s.a." that's class. "s.a." yeah, that's classy. say, son, drive me down to the bus station. the bus station? where you going? new mexico. yeah, i feel this sudden urge

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? good times ? ? anytime you need a payment ? ? good times ? ? anytime you need a friend ? ? good times ? ? anytime you're out from under ? ? not getting hassled, not getting hustled ? ? keeping your head above water ? ? making a wave when you can ? ? temporary layoffs ? ? good times ? ? good times ? ? scratching and surviving ? ? good times ? ? hanging in a chow line ? ? good times ? ? ain't we lucky we got 'em? ? ? good times ? attention: are you eligible for medicare? the medicare enrollment deadline is just a few days away.