[ music ] here's johnny! [ applause ] [ music ] >> hey-o!

>> i thank you. thank you very much! [ cheering ] thank you! good, how are you? come on, folks, this is a long-- [ cheering ] all right. now you've got yours-- now it's my turn. >> hey, johnny! >> this kid sounds like a rumble working his street gang here. [ laughter ] i always feel like i haven't done anything. people applaud-- you should applaud the audience for showing up. [ laughter ] [ applause ] anyway, you've passed the eye test by reading the applause sign. [ laughter ] now, let's see if you can pass the intelligence test by understanding the monologue. [ laughter ] no, i-- let me explain that. i didn't mean that to put you down. last night's audience-- i'm still a little steamed

on people who've been here before, but they're probably back home by now. [ laughter ] would you say it was kind of a low-brow audience last night? it's tough doing jokes while people in the sixth row are spitting tobacco juice at you. [ laughter ] anyway, i'm johnny carson, draft classification a-y. >> a-y? >> a-y. that is i am one of the-- in case of war, i'm the last go. because i'm the sole supporter of nbc, i found out. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i know a lot of you are from out of town, and we are having today, what is known as a carbon monoxide alert. now, we have an organization from california called the air quality management district, i think it is. amqd, right? >> yes. >> everyday they come out and they give the quality of the air. like you have a choice. [ laughter ]

second stage, third stage smog alerts. we have sulfate alerts. and today, we have carbon monoxide alert, isn't that exciting? last week, we had a calvin klein-- [ laughter ] tight jeans alert. well, you could choke to death. [ laughter ] are you getting into christmas season yet? people say, living in california, people say you can't have a warm homey christmas in southern california-- that's not true. today, i curled up with charles dickens, while sipping a hot toddy. then the phone rang and i had to get out of my floating chair in the pool. [ laughter ] that's christmasy. i went shopping today. have you been in the stores yet? have you been to rodeo drive in beverly hills? [ applause ] that is becoming a spot where people from out of town go. it's one of the most expensive streets in the world. it's the only street where the salvation army band has a comic who opens for them.

it it is-- it's a little different out here during the hollywood season. one of the junior high schools today had a pageant-- christmas pageant depicting the nativity. and one of the wise men was busted for possession of 3 ounces of uncut myrrh. [ laughter ] christmas specials? i'm sure there are two or three christmas specials on tonight. tomorrow night, everybody has a christmas special. on "those amazing animals, " burgess meredith is going to neuter a reindeer. [ laughter ] just in the spirit of christmas. this is winter-- those of you from out of town. this is winter out here now. this is about as cold as it gets, isn't it? >> yeah. >> about 50 degrees during the day out here. but we also have the cold and flu season out here. what was the one last year?

or the russian-type? >> hong kong. >> hong kong. was it the hong kong last year? >> russian! russian! >> the russian flu? every year, there's a new strain. i went to my doctor today, just take-- you know, for precautions. [ laughter ] you notice who we have blend into these different-- [ laughter ] i have a wonderful doctor-- dr. mandrake kirby. he's a great doctor, but he's a little weird. for example, when you go into undress, he accompanies you on the drums. [ laughter ] drop your pants to take a shot, he gives you a rim shot. [ laughter ] he is in beverly hills, which is exclusive. and you can tell he is a beverly hills doctor. if he asks you for a specimen, he gives you an empty perrier bottle. [ laughter ] no, he's a good doctor. for example, if he gives you the stress test to check your heart, he doesn't give you a treadmill. he just tells you you have a week to live.

and that shows that you have stress. [ laughter ] where did i go wrong? [ laughter ] we have an interesting show tonight. we have a gentleman tonight-- i'm sure that most of you-- i guess, american public generally came to know him during the carter administration-- hodding carter iii, who is the spokesman for the government. very interesting man-- he's going to be here. did you know that he left the carter administration and he signed with nbc? yeah. that's like swimming from thean to the andrea doria. [ laughter ] [ applause ] did you know that nbc also signed henry kissinger? and gerald ford are under contract? you haven't seen them too much on nbc. but nbc has some big plans for them. i understand that as soon as they signed alexander haig-- they're going to have a sitcom version of "dr. strangelove."

now, here's the unusual news item of the day. it was in the paper today-- on the news. there's a madam in nevada-- or in certain-- did you know in certain counties of nevada, prostitution is legal? yeah. and her name was patty parrott. she is the madam of a brothel and today she announced that because of inflation, her girls' fees are going to rise to keep in step with the prime interest rate. [ laughter ] how do you like that? i think that's very fair, considering the fact her girls provide the same service to the public that the banks do. [ laughter ] [ applause ] anyway, we have-- good show. we have-- mr. jimmy stewart is with us tonight. [ applause ] now you can't beat that. and hodding carter iii.

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[ music ] okay, we are back. thank you, doctor. we have jimmy stewart with us tonight. hodding carter iii. i'm looking forward to meeting hodding carter iii. i admired him tremendously right after the immediate seizure of the hostages. where he had to go out everyday for the state department and the government and explain to all those reporters what was going on. you got to be fairly cool because they try to-- >> oh, yeah. >> throw you some curves, knowing the press. starting shopping yet? >> not yet. >> you really-- >> i always like to wait until the last minute, yes. >> wait until the last minute. i don't believe that you wait until the day before. you say you do, but how can you wait until the day before? >> a man can do

you go to a store, you say-- >> wow. >> i want the following trinket. you ought to write that down. >> i want to put that on stone tablets-- "a man can do what he wants to do." >> i go to certain stores-- there's certain shops you go to where they not only allow you to shop-- >> yes. >> but they also entertain you. >> what do you mean? >> young ladies will come over and they bring you sustenance. >> do they have those kind of stuff? >> yes. >> i remember doing that one year in new york. were we together then? >> we were together. we went in together. >> we went to one of those-- don't even-- you don't have to mention it. >> it's on 5th avenue. >> where a lot of men don't shop. and psychologically, it's very good. they get you bombed. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> they just come over and say, "won't you have a glass of wine?" and you say, "yes, i'll have one." >> yes. >> and about two hours later-- >> we were buying-- >> "i would like the case!" [ laughter ] is that-- >> "i want one of those in every color!" >> yeah. >> but remember they bring the girls come in, wearing lovely negligees and lovely nightwear. it's a lovely way to shop. you don't do that anymore? >> no, no. not anymore. >> boy, have you changed. [ laughter ]

now, this is something we have been doing for many years on this show. >> and this is great. >> yeah, we've had great success with this. it's a chance for the people at home to really participate in what christmas is all about. which really is for the children. the post office in new york, as you know-- not only the new york post office, but probably all post offices-- they get letters addressed to santa claus that are addressed to the north pole. and i want the young children to know that the post office passes those along. >> right to santa. >> that's right. and they intered and they passed them on to us. and they make the letters available to people who would like to help some child at christmas. because a lot of these letters are very funny. some-- this happens every christmas-- are a little bit sad. and so, if you really want to participate in this way, you can do it is-- let me give you the card now and then i'll give it you later. it's called the santa claus fund and the general post office is room 3021 new york, new york. it's on the screen now-- 10001. or you can simply write to santa claus fund,

the same address and zip code. they will send you a letter. because they have the child's name and address and you can send them a gift or something. it really makes christmas-- but i want to read you some of these letters. and then we'll give them back to the post office and people will come in-- but some of them are hysterical. these are all actual letters, as you can see. look at some of the stuff they write on here. this is-- i'm not going to give you any last names. here's one from andrew. "dear santa, so what's the story?" [ laughter ] >> right to the point. >> "so what's the story? i gave my father a letter to mail you and i hadn't heard from you. this time you better answer or i'll do terrible things to you. understand? [ laughter ] now, i want lots of toys this christmas and no junk-- good stuff. [ laughter ] also, give lots of things to my good buddy, john." and signed, andrew. but i loved that. "so what's the story?" >> "what's the story?"

>> "understand?" >> here's one from antonella-- little neck, new york. "dear santa." this is a 6th grade student writing to you. "dear santa, i think you're the best. everyone at school makes fun of me because i believe in you. my brother makes fun of me, too. my mother thinks i should still believe you so i think i'll stick with my mother. [ laughter ] for christmas, i would like a car. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] i want it red outside and black inside. i want it to be a front and back seat. i would like a steering wheel to lock and key in windows. on the outside, i would like an eagle of gold. in the front, i would like a motor." [ laughter ] that's a corvette. i assume he's talking about-- >> yeah, a real car. >> a real car. second grade. well, maybe a k-car. [ laughter ] new corvette-- i'm not sure.

this is from andrea. "we want you to come early this year because we're going to florida for christmas. [ laughter ] we were wondering if you could stop here on december 12th or the 13th." [ laughter ] [ applause ] and then she goes down the list. santa doesn't work, andrea, i don't think on the 12th or the 13th. i think they have a guest santa-- >> yes. >> that comes on. [ laughter ] don't you love kids? you could not make these letters up. "dear santa and mrs. santa, we would like you to know how are your reindeer and also the penguins? [ laughter ] i hope you haven't been cooking too much, mrs. claus. and i'd like to think that you're taking good care of the reindeer." jensen wrote this. should we tell him? >> go ahead. >> i don't know what i should tell him. >> all right, go ahead. >> i understand mrs. claus got a little blitzed the other night and cooked the reindeer. [ laughter ] no, no.

>> we thought she did. >> no. now, here's a kid that does not fool around-- ryan from new york. he didn't take time to write a letter. all he did-- he just clipped out the ads. [ laughter ] they're stapled together here-- there must be 50 different toys and he just took them and dropped them in an envelope that says "santa claus." no letter-- no notng >> work it out! >> what? >> work it out! >> work it out! why should i write? "dear santa, how are you feeling? and how's mrs. santa. i love you. i've been a very good girl. i'm doing good in school. i hope you would be good to me this year. i would like one i took licken from the chicken, beware of the spider game, quick jump skunk, operation game, clyde's car crusher, chip's helmet set, holly hobbie bake over, sew perfect sewing machine,

dustpan and apron-- talking telephone, dishes, pot and pan, viewmaster, stuffed animals, snoopy ice maker, perfume maker, adorable dolls, stop sign mickey mouse watch--" [ laughter ] she says, "say hello to your reindeer and have a nice flight." [ laughter ] "have a nice flight?" he's not even going to get off the ground! with all the stuff you asked for. stephanie. "dear santa, i wasn't too good this year, but i'll try harder next year. but i only really want one thing that thing i'm talking about is a telescope. can i have one, please, please, pretty please with sugar on top?" telescope with sugar on top? [ laughter ] that's what gabriel wants. "dear santa, i would like army shirt, pants, canteen, helmet, pistol holster and a .44 luger. [ laughter ] like the one on tv."

[ laughter ] >> sounds steamed. >> call out an airstrike on you. "dear santa claus, i've been a good girl. please bring me some sexy panties and a slip." [ laughter ] obviously, the good girl stuff is over. [ laughter ] and a nightgown, good for you, brooke. [ applause ] you've been a good girl, it's time to loosen up. "dear santa, thank you for all of things you m that i never thanked you for. if you could please include a little present for scruffy, my new hamster, in his stocking." nice. don't see many hamsters wearing stockings. [ laughter ] "dear santa. all the things i did, i'm very sorry for. on the other hand--" [ laughter ] >> he's going to be a lawyer!" >> yeah. "on the other hand, how are you feeling, mrs. claus? is mrs. claus getting the christmas suit ready?" the questions they come up with.

i'm not going to show you the last name. but it is personalized stationery. "dear santa, i really believe in you. and i have a huge christmas list. this year i have a cat, but don't be surprised if you don't see her because she's very scared of people that's she's never seen before. my address is so forth." and so forth and so on. but can you imagine a child writing in-- >> with her own personalized stationery. >> personalized stationery. "dear santa, this year i'm refusing tt the fake santa's lap." [ laughter ] this is from jenna-- from jenna. "you know the one who get your pictures with? his knees are too bony. plus, he is not the real one. my list for christmas is on the back. i want to chit chat on this page. [ laughter ] so how is the reindeer? i hope you don't catch a cold. you know, with the snow and all. i have a baby girl cousin who's having her first christmas." she's very cute

"i-- by the way, last year, my dad had beer in the freezer. did you drink it? [ laughter ] well, i know you won't this year because i'm making cookies and chocolate and strawberry milk." poor dad. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> he's got to drink a lot of strawberry milk to get a buzz on. [ laughter ] "dear santa, please get the toys on this list." [ laughter ] there was one in here i'm going to-- going on too long here. here's a kid that says, "christmas is coming and i want to buy something for me to play with. so i'm asking you for $10.00. i would like to tell you, they're going to tax it." [ laughter ] i had one in here i got to get to it which-- another one. "dear santa, how are you feeling? how are you this year? we all hope you're feeling fine and also your little elves. now, let's get to the point of this letter.

i think marvin and his last name has been very good this year." and it's from marvin. [ laughter ] but i love that, he says, "let's get to the point." "dear santa--" jennifer. "please bring me for christmas two ankle bracelets made of gold and with all different colored jewels and gold shiny slippers with blue beads and turquoise beads. also, a ruby necklace with a gold chain and a ruby. please bring daddy, if possible, a down coat and a house in the country and a new car." would you settle for some play-doh and an apple. i mean this is-- [ laughter ] anyway, there's a lot of ones that are very funny in there. i got a few. now, these are the ones that we were talking about for christmas. and they all run in kind of the same category. and it's interesting when these children write. they-- not only-- some write for themselves so much, they write for their mother or somebody else in the family. it says, "my name is sylvia and i'm 8 years old. i'm so happy that christmas is coming soon. though, this year,

and no presents. i know what i would like very much for christmas. i've been good all year round and i also run errands for my mother and so forth. and bring something for my little brother." it always-- it's kids like this. "dear santa, i'm a handicapped child. my mom is poor and she has asthma." i would like to hear the things these kids ask for-- a winter jacket. you know, where most kids ask for toys and stuff, they ask for clothing and stuff like this. "dear santa, we ask our mother if you're going to come this year and she said no because dad is not working. i have two 11 year old sisters and one brother i would like to surprise." ask for nothing for herself, again. here's one from donna. "how are you feeling? i'm happy you're in town again." i like that. "could you help my mommy? this is the first time i am asking for your help. but i really feel that my mommy needs you this year. not for me. but for my brothers and sisters. she cannot buy nothing for them because we have a lot of bills to pay. my daddy is not working." and it goes on and on

here's that address again. because there are thousands of letters like this from youngsters. santa claus fund, the general post office, room 3012 in new york, new york. or you can actually go down to the post office in new york city, which is at what-- 30-- what's the address in new york? thirty-fourth and-- >> forty-second and fifth. >> is it forty-second and fifth? >> yeah. >> and go down there and pick up a couple of letters and it will really make christmas what it's all about. so i want to thank the postmaster for sending these letters. what? [ applause ] that's the library? not the library! you're giving me the address to the library. anyway, contact the post office because the have hundreds of these letters. we'll be back in a moment. jimmy stewart will be with us and hodding carter tonight.

[ music ] thank you, doc. here's one of the-- [ applause ] one of the nicest people in the entire world

in motion pictures. and jimmy's going to be seen in a television special called, "mr. krueger's special, " which airs on the 22nd. would you welcome jimmy stewart! [ music ] [ applause ] all right, jimmy. yeah. [ cheering ] >> thank you! >> well, well, well, well how are you? [ laughter ] happy holidays. >> i'm i'm i'm i'm fine.

>> do you go out-- do you go out christmas shopping this time of year? >> no. >> do you really? >> i'm a terrible shopper. >> me too. >> are you-- i swear, i don't how to-- [ laughter ] >> i panic. i cannot make a decision when i'm in a store. >> i went with gloria this morning. i followed her around like a dog. [ laughter ] and she said, "is that fine?" and i said, "fine." she said, "how do you like that?" i said, "yeah." she said, "what do-- do you like everything or do you wish yo [ laughter ] i don't know what to do. >> you just want to get off the hook, right? >> right. >> what would you like, if somebody said, "i want to buy jimmy stewart something for christmas." >> gloria asked me that last night. >> oh, yeah. >> i don't know. i don't-- what do you-- a present? i really-- i'm stuck. >> yeah. nothing at all? an exotic trip someplace? >> no, maybe not.

for an answer. >> yeah, i don't know what to say either. because they always say, "you're difficult to shop for." >> yep. maybe get me a good part in a picture. [ laughter ] >> that's what you'd like, huh? you have all the family together this year? >> yeah, they're all going to sort of end up-- the twins are coming and be with us for christmas. and then the twins are going over and see the son and his wife and the grandchildren. >> that's great. >> which we saw them last week. so, we'll all be sort of together. >> see, that's great. are you signaling to doc that we got to cut away for a minute? >> yes, we should. >> all right, we'll take a break. we're going to come right back because we got a little back up. we're going to sit here and do all kinds of things. [ applause ] attention: are you eligible for medicare? the medicare enrollment deadline is just a few days away. changes to medicare plans could impact your healthcare costs. are you getting all the benefits available to you? new plans are now available that could increase your benefits and lower

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[ music ] we're talking to jimmy stewart. [ applause ]

>> right? what do you play in this? you don't play santa claus, do you? >> no, no, it's not. as a matter of fact, i did it for the mormon church. and it's a sort of an interesting story. it's a christmas story but it's this christmas story and sort of the real reason that we celebrate christmas-- the birth of christ. >> right. >> and it's all told through the dreams and through the imagination of an old, who lives in the basement and has a cat named george. he-- but he's a dreamer and he-- for instance, he's sitting there in the basement, he's listening to an old phonograph record of the mormon tabernacle choir and he starts sort of-- he starts leading it and suddenly the fade in and i'm leading the mormon tabernacle choir. now, if you don't think that's something-- [ laughter ] if you don't think

>> stand up and-- yeah, in salt lake city up and stand up in front of the 350 boys. and you do this and they start to sing. well, i would-- [ laughter ] >> that's power. that's power. >> and it's called "mr. krueger's christmas" and then of course, another vision of his, it even goes to bethlehem and even goes to the manger and joseph and mary and the wisemen and the shepherds and everything. but it's through his eyes. >> yeah. >> c >> and i think it's kind of a nice thing. it will be here, i think, the 22nd but i guess it's playing-- >> i think it's syndicated around-- yeah around the country. >> all the places around the country. but it's kind of a nice story. >> yeah, you said you play an elderly person? you feel-- do you feel elderly? >> sure. >> oh, you do? [ laughter ] i thought you were going to say, "no, no, no!

it's sort of everybody's opinion. you can't really ask advice on this. you have to make up your own mind. i don't think that-- i think you ought to act your age and i just think i look in the mirror and i say, "well, you're old." [ laughter ] "you're old." i don't make a thing of it. and i-- but i don't make a thing of trying to be a kid. >> yeah. >> because i don't think-- and i-- people-- sort of the things that happen to you. you know, you have a belly ache and you can't hear very well. i don't like the people that sit there in a conversation and they-- somebody's talking and then at the end of the talking, they say, "what did you say?"