mork: mindy, mind if we start without you? go ahead. i'll be out in a minute. how about that new pope, huh? so king kong is climbing up the empire state building. he's got fay wray. careful there, you'll hurt yourself. and she says, "put me down!" he goes, "okay." yeah, i guess that kind of bit the big one. you're right. what is that?! mindy, it's not a what. it's a who. i'd like you to meet o'keefe. you didn't tell me he was a chimpanzee. i also didn't tell you he's a con. he's a what? he said there's no zoo in the country that'll hold him inside. where did you find him? i was in a tree, observing bald spots on human beings. i was up to 85 men, when all of sudden,

he's got to go back to the zoo. no! you see? oh! no way! they'll put him on banana bread and water. they'll take away his tire. mork, they don't do that to animals. at the zoo, he'll get food and protection and love. really? running around free, he might hurt himself. i wouldn't want that to happen. you heard the warden. i've got to take you back to your cell. d. go upstairs, and you start packing, but, don't worry, we'll arrange conjugal visits with cheetah, and i'll send you a banana with a file in it! you've been acting awfully strange lately. i mean, more strange than usual. you've noticed. how can i help it? yesterday you spent all day walking and talking backwards. well, that's all behind me now. mork, why are you doing all these strange things? to cheer you up.

what news? i've got orders from orson. i've been transferred, and i'll never, ever see you again. what? you've got to look at the good side -- you're not losing an alien. you're -- you're gaining an empty room. i have a very fine set here. it has some very good attachments that go with it. okay, i'll take it. i-it doesn't work quite as well without the cord. you're not going to be able to hear a thing. perfect. i want to keep noise out. if i hear anything, i'll bring them back. well, it's your money. that'll be $50. uh, these work fine. i didn't hear a word you said. i said, "that'll be $50." will you take a check? certainly.

what do you mean, get it from mindy? i live underneath your daughter, and i work at home. i write greeting cards. ah, you're buckley. bickley! mindy's told me about you. i can't concentrate with all that racket. how do you expect me to write sympathy cards with her crying all morning? why was she crying? find out when you hit her up about the check. yes, but you just can't -- oh, daddy! what's wrong? oh, brother. something awful has happened. mork's been transferred to another planet. i'll probably never see him again. oh, honey, i'm sorry. sure glad i don't read lips. mindy! mindy, mindy, mindy, mindy, mindy. and mindy's dad. hi, mr. mcconnell. frederick: hello. hi, susan.

buying myself a numero uno charm. susan, i think maybe some other time. oh. well, are we a little depressed today? she's a lot depressed -- personal reasons. well, of course i was never one to pry. all i can tell you is i used to get all these emotional ups and downs all the time at the least little thing, but that was before i got erk. what's erk? "ellsworth revitalization konditioning." i don't mean to be picky, but you spell conditioning with a "c." right. maybe you do, but ellsworth doesn't. so, how about it? susan, i just don't feel up to it today. hey, grab yourself a cup. i'll split my lunch with you.

can do this if you want, but you're going to be going through emotional ups and downs for the rest of your life until you find something like erk. ellsworth teaches you to love yourself. i'll bet you got an "a." "a" plus. ta-ta. mindy, mindy, mindy, mindy, mindy! hey, have i got a surprise for you. oh, i got a surprise for you. stay! mindy, you'll never guess what's in the bag. take a flying guess. take a flying guess. mork, i don't feel like guessing. okay, i'll guess it for you myself. time to play "what's my bag?" [ woman's voice ] uh, mystery object, are you a shovel? [ man's voice ] no.

and to present the prize, our lovely prize-girl lola. [ girl's voice ] thank you, otto. guess what it is, mindy. it's a going-away present, and it's an exciting new gift i got this morning on the street corner. it's zen-o-matic! it's a what? the exciting new kitchen tool that does absolutely nothing! it can't dice, it can't peel, it can't chop, and it won't even make julienne fries. that's right, zen-o-matic does diddly for you. s, an exciting new kitchen tool from the people who brought you frozen sand and electric toothpaste. send absolutely nothing today to buddha productions, care of nevada, box omm. get one today! i appreciate what you're trying to do. i really do, but i'm not in the mood for it now.

to some remote corner of the universe. i don't even know where. it's just the other side of the universe. it's a troubled planet called xerus. how can you let orson do this to you? maybe you're afraid of him, but i'm not. i want to talk to that fat fascist. i talked to him this afternoon. what did he say? well, mindy, i've been thinking this over a lot, don't think i'm very much good for you. you know, i do silly things, i make weird objects, i talk to furniture and leave you out of the conversation. i'm always getting in the way. i bring home strange people. i see. orson won't change his mind. no. i talked to orson for a real long time, and he said i can stay on earth as long as i want. he did? that's wonderful.

mork, but why? why would you want to leave here? is it something that i've done? oh, no. it's something you have -- emotions. that doesn't make sense. one day i'm going to have to leave, and it's going to hurt you very much. i've only been here a few months. look how you feel. imagine what it'll be like after 10 years. the longer i stay, the harder it'll be for you. but what about you? i don't have a heart. it won't be a problem for me. well, it's a problem for me. i've got a big adjustment to make -- getting used to no mork. i know what i can do. i'll get o'keefe out on parole. it would almost be like having me around. it'll be a lot like having you around.

who is it? bickley: miss mcconnell? oh, no. mr. bickley, please, we are not making any noise. i know that. i was just downstairs feeling depressed. i thought i'd come up here and share it with you. oh, mr. prickley, that's nice. that's bickley. let him come in. he has something to share, something really nice. i'm sorry to be rude, but i'm very upset right now. aving town. ha! that's diddly. he's just going out of town. i'm going out of business. i used to be the best greeting card writer around, but i can't work anymore. come on, we don't make that much noise. i know. i was blaming it on you, but it's time i faced it -- i've lost it. we can form a posse and find it if you want. no, it's no use.

oat rack, but not anymore. listen to this -- "your pet rabbit died, poor little muffet. your two choices are, eat it or stuff it." aw, that's sad. mr. bickley, you're just going through a writer's slump. mork is leaving for good. knock, knock. well, what a group -- hear no evil, see no evil, and feel no pain. what's wrong with you people? mork is leaving. the rabbit died.

or you could all be straightened out by one little thing. paul williams? no. erk. you people have got to get erk. you've been erking me since you came in. mindy, listen, erk would help you with your depression, and, mr. bickley, you could use some help with your drinking. i drink fine by myself. oh, and, mork, i bet he could come up with something for you. yeah. that sounds exciting. come on, mindy, let's not poop the party. oh, mindy, come on. look, it would do you some good. i am not going to take no for an answer. i'm going to sit right here until i get your word on it. that goes for you, too, mr. hickle.

i have a couple of friends i'm dying for you to meet -- two of my closest friends in the entire world. mork and mindy, this is ellsworth. oh, ellsworth, we're so lucky to have a man like you -- so unselfish. it's a special gift -- excuse me. could you hold that thought just a minute? 17, 18, 19, 20. 20 bodies, 20 checks. okay, we're all set. now what were you saying? how nice it was that an unselfish man like you came all this way for a little thing like money. yeah. sure is. okay, the agreement was for 8:00. let's begin the session, all right? everybody, places, places. ellsworth is ready. boy, you're really going to hear something now. hello. hello. hello. is that it?

the next question is what will you be doing here? susan. well, we will be trying to find our own space. very good, susan. very good. yes, you have an item, mork? point ellsworth order. mine is simply this. it seems like susan has her own space. this is her apartment. there's barely enough room for any of us. you're out of order, pal. but it's a reality. sit down and shut up. thank you. now it's sharing time. this is the time when you people will say whatever is on your mind. say whatever you think will set you free.

well, it used to bother me and intimidate me that i was so much more beautiful than anyone else, but since i got erk, i've discovered that i just have to learn to live with the fact that i'm fun to be near. anyone else? i'm having trouble understanding any of this. perhaps you can understand this -- sit down and shut up. anyone else have something to share? yeah. i have some very fine kentucky bourbon here. i'd like to share it with somebody who has some soda. obviously, you're new.

sometimes these sessions last up to 15 hours, and during that time, there will be no eating... who cares? no going to the bathroom. big deal. no drinking. wait till you try to cash my check. i have something that i would like to share. erk is not a process. erk is something that happens in space. in fact, it may be space. it's definitely not space. space is a continuum, an infin-- wait, don't tell me -- "sit down and shut up." yes, mindy, you have an item. my item is that i paid a lot of money to come here and learn something. [ chuckles ] then you've learned something important already, haven't you? what?

that's terrible! terrible is just a concept. oh, i get it. anything that you don't want to talk about is just a concept. nope. not my rolls-royce. that's real. what don't you go ahead and sit down, mindy? we've caught your act. mr. ellsworth, i have another point of order. yeah, go right ahead. thank you. i think it's a biggie. people don't come here for humiliation and abuse. every creature in the universe is entitled to respect. ridiculous -- nobody wants to hear that message. sit down and shut up. not before i get one more thing in. i think you should be honest with yourself, like yourself, trust yourself, and know yourself. oh, mork, that's beautiful. there's one other thing i'd like to talk about -- this concept of not letting people go to the bathroom. i myself can't sit still for that. i think we should all take a rest break right now. what do you think, everyone?

those people want to drop out, fine. i'm still the winner. i get to go home early, i've got all your money, and most importantly, i've got my rolls-royce. thank you so much. well, he's cute. my rolls-royce. it -- somebody has stolen my rolls-royce. ur rolls-royce is a concept. getting it back is a reality. well, goodbye, apartment. fern, i love you. phil, get rid of that dendron. sofie, you've been a great lie.

ittle, tiny dust particle. goodbye, nucleus. mork, before you finish saying your goodbyes, which at this rate, could be some time around mid-september, i want to talk to you. i've been doing some observing, and i learned something last night at the meeting. you don't practice what you preach. mayday. sense of verbal confusion. well, at the meeting, you talked about knowing yourself. you might not have had emotions when you arrived here, i don't. sit down and shut up. i figured something else out, too. you're leaving because of you. am not! am not! you're the one who won't be able to handle leaving if you stay much longer. i don't want to go home. it's cold out there. who else will let me do the things you do? i'm going to miss you.

about having emotions. orson said emotions are bad for you. we'll never evolve if you have emotions. shh. ha ha ha ha! boy, is he a nimnul! where are you going? i'm going upstairs to talk to orson. i'm not leaving. you're not? no way! boy, having feelings is good!

mork calling orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson. come in, orson.

taxi! vroom! orson speaking. well, are you ready to leave? oh, no, your immenseness. i've decided to stay. mork, are you sure you want to extend your earth visit? oh, yes, your girth-ship. i want to continue my observation of human emotions, especially guilt. emotions? does everyone have them? absolutely everyone, with the possible exception of a few presidents. what are presidents? well, they're elected officials who are sent to washington every four years to financial ruin. i've also observed that they never tell a lie, but they never tell the truth. it's something called "politics." they also have a power feared by everyone called "veto." what's that? i'm not sure, but i think it's an italian bodyguard. sounds dull. the big bucks comes when you get to be an ex-president. then publishers pay you millions of dollars to write things called "memoirs." the strange part is they don't have very good memories. the really funny part is no one buys those books.

catch you next week. nanu, nanu.

mindy: mork, what's that? a scrapbook so i can take back memories. that's really nice -- a scrapbook of earth. what are you putting in there, pictures of our world leaders? save it for the republicans! a put some real fun stuff in here, some big yuks. look at this -- an example of earth poetry. let's see... "there once was a girl from dundee --" where did you get this?! from the poetry cubicles down at the basketball arena. people must really love poetry, because they're all lined up to pay a dime to sit down and write poetry. hi, mindy. oh, hi, sally. oh, and little jodi. wow, he's really gotten big.

mindy: you don't look like you're made out of snakes and snails and puppy dog tails. is the person who used to live in your stomach -- the former bulge? yeah. [ laughs ] he's so tiny. how'd he ever get out? i think the doctor helped him out, mork. he slipped him a map and a compass and said, "you're on your own, clown." why don't you hold him for a while? no, no! i don't speak small! whoa! be careful. what can i help you with? what do you talk about? well, nothing yet. jodi can't talk. oh, a little mute. ohh, look, i taught him how to hug. i'll just take these two. okay, good. oh! he's really incredible. mindy, can we get one? can we order one today? we can send away for one. maybe you and mindy ought to get together sometime

no matchmaking, sally. who, me? hey, don't suck on that. you don't know where it's been. that's fantastic! he doesn't have any teeth. who's the father, leon spinks? whoa! you gotta be real careful. he's real tiny. he's fragile, and -- uh, mork... oh, you probably know that, don't you? don't worry. i'll treat him as if he were my own son. well, here you go. thank you. we'll have to get together soon. yeah, good. thanks a lot. bye. take care, little fella! there's no place to grow but up! isn't he cute? yeah, for a guy who doesn't move very much, he sure sweats a lot. you know, i think he likes me a lot. you know how i can tell? when i was hugging him, he made a noise like "eeh." what does that mean? oh, mork, that was just a little -- listen, you're right, that was his way

oh, i knew it. kids are such a gas. i wish i had one of my own. can men have babies, too? well...they can help. it's sort of like a union. oh, you mean like the teamsters? well, it's not exactly like the -- oh, sure, i hear about women in labor all the time. no, it's not done like that. how do you do it? uh...why don't you ask my father? he's real good at things like this. you're gonna have to confront this situation someday. dad, how do they do it? uh, how do who do what? well, how do they make babies? like, i know where they come from -- i'm no pinhead -- but how do they get them in there? do they blow 'em up? do they add water? well, mork, how a baby is born isn't as important as the miracle of creation. you don't know either, do you?

oh, she must have been a lot of fun to hold. she sure is now. she was wonderful. i can't tell you what it's like to have a little, helpless baby completely dependent upon you. i've never had anything dependent upon me. well, don't worry. someday you'll have a child... or something of your own. thank you. i can't wait, boy. i'm headed back now. mindy, i'll catch you back at the apartment. [ knock on door ] whoa, wait-wait-wait-wait wait-wait-wait! whoa! western union! howdy. doody. could i see you for a couple seconds? 1,001...1,002. [ southern accent ] now, don't make yourself a stranger.

wow! d?j? vu! now you can close the door. yes, sir. glad to see you. uh, friend, you don't know me -- [ normal voice ] yes, i do. i saw you in the music store. then you followed me to the grocery store. right. while i was in that music store, i couldn't help but notice that you were really enjoyin' holdin' that small baby. never held one before, and i really liked it. didn't i hear you say you'd like one? yeah, but it's physically impossible, you know? i-i don't have a test tube. but i'd give anything to have one. would you give $10,000? what?! you see, i know this couple with a baby. they're tryin' to find a nice home for it, understand? and if i don't give you the money, they're gonna turn it out and it'll be raised by rabbits? whatever you say, buddy. i can't let that happen. he might never take care of himself,

unless you take care of it. of course, that's up to you. i'll do anything you want. i'll get the money for you. you got yourself a deal. i'll call you in the morning, all right? oh, and one thing -- don't breathe a word of this to anyone. no pressure. well, i guess i'd better do this to save the kid. besides, i'll finally be a father. i'll be able to teach him to walk, to talk, maybe to fly an egg. yeah, i'll be in touch. take care. yeah. whoa, greasy. i'm gonna have a baby! ha ha! kay-o, jos?. whoa, i feel kind of strange, kind of dizzy. i feel this sudden craving for pickles and ice cream. mindy, sweetheart, darling! long time, no see, honeybunch!

what? can i have $10,000? [ chuckles ] no. i really need it. i gotta have it. please? what could you need that costs $10,000? um...socks. socks. gucci socks. what do you need $10,000 for anyway? it's for a big surprise. it's real expensive, but i know you'll love it. you're not gonna help me? all right. what can i do to get $10,000? i can go to jesus. that'll cost me an arm and a broken leg. . you can try selling apples. that's right! apples! at a nickel apiece, that's 20,000 apples! no! we can sell one big apple on steroids for $10,000. no, wait! i can babysit for mainland china! no! i can sell dental floss to the osmonds! listen, you think of something. i'm gonna go in the bedroom and change my clothes,

oh...well, in case i do get the money, i'd better practice being a father. hey, here's my little surrogate baby. here we go. [ to tune of "rockabye baby" ] ? finkadoo, hatchling ? ? vee vee oh zohm ? ? finkadoo, hatchling ? ? nee voo voo doo ? ohh...fantastic. i love you so. ell me you had to do that? excuse me, ladies. hi. may i show you some disco records? i'm with the fbi. oh. well, maybe i can show you some police records.

i'd like you to look at this photograph and tell me if you've seen this man. wait a minute. this guy was here yesterday. who is he? a creep who kidnaps and sells babies. we were tailing him yesterday. he followed a woman with a baby into this store. oh, my god, that was sally. is he after her baby? don't worry, we're watching him. oh, thank goodness. when he left here, he didn't follow her. he followed some strange-looking man with suspenders... to your house, miss mcconnell. what would he be doing at my house? we want to ask you. does the strange man with suspenders give you a clue? oh, dad, mork wouldn't do anything wrong. how much does this guy sell babies for? $10,000. what i meant was, mork wouldn't do anything wrong intentionally. ma'am, if you think your friend is trying to buy a baby, relax. he's not in trouble. we want the kidnapper. you wouldn't arrest him? absolutely not.

yesterday he asked me if he could borrow $10,000. did you give it to him? no! i don't have that kind of money. well...you do now. oh, i don't know about this. miss mcconnell... we must have your help. well, i guess if the guy is that big a creep, i guess mork would want to help, too. no, you can't tell him. this guy is sharp. if he thinks he's being set up, we'll lose him again. mork is no actor. now, i want you to call me the minute you know when and where the transfer is being made. good day. this is the famous orkan atom-smasher! let me show you how this works. first, get one government atom! [ squeals ] there's one. put it under there -- aaagh!

i'll clean up that mess later. actually, if we had split the atom, we'd all be dead meat, but let's move on quickly. see the nut? i see the nut. thank you. mork, i got the money you need -- $10,000. oh! mindy, that's fantastic. oh, no, you didn't -- oh, poor child. i didn't. i got a raise. you got a raise? that's wonderful! well -- [ laughs ] what's this? um... i, uh, dried the clothes in the microwave. no, actually, it's better than that. you see, i made this for my favorite tv star -- [ imitating tattoo ] boss, my shirts have landed. [ imitating mr. roarke ] give it to me, tattoo. i want to wear it. that's my fantasy. um, look at that -- look at that ring! isn't that amazing?

i bet elizabeth taylor doesn't have one of these. i bet she doesn't. [ rattles ] it's a... seeing-eye rattle for a blind snake. [ telephone rings ] saved by the bell. telephone. hello? oh... [ southern accent ] howdy! [ normal voice ] yeah. yeah! sure, i've got the money, see? yeah? tomorrow at noon? um...mindy, this is a private call. do you mind if i take it in there? oh. no. go right ahead. thank you.

woman: roadways' next bus to denver

uh, is this seat taken? thank you. woman: attention -- the 3:30 bus to los angeles will now be departing at 4:45. nice day, huh? oh! on a liquid diet! not literally. boy, that'd be funny, wouldn't it? whoa! yeah, it should be coming through here anytime now, you know? little guy... so helpless, so tiny. that's why i'm here to take care of him, 'cause i'm the father figure. yeah, he's only 6 months old, and i haven't seen him in two years.

there's my man now. i'm over here! i'm over here! don't you know what's happenin' here? i'm gonna give you $10,000. you're gonna give me a baby. could you shut up?! now, where's the money? here it is. [ sniffs ] okay. okay...here's your kid. mork: ooh. hold it, scuzz. i want to make sure he's all here. he's all there, but i'm not so sure about you. thank you. it's been a pleasure dealing with a stetson stork. passengers now disembarking... you're under arrest. up against the wall. attention -- mr. dan benton, please report... hands behind your back. you've got the wrong guy! you are chuck wilson, alias chuck martin, alias charles henthorn.

we got you this time. this money is marked. take him out to the car and read him his rights. well... let's get the baby and take him back to his parents. okay. he's gone! he must have slipped out the back. i'm sure he's going back to miss mcconnell's house. i'd better get her on the phone at the store. the beautiful princess said, "if i kiss you, will you buy me a halston dress and take me to long island and build me a condominium?" there we go. it's time for us to get rocking. here we go. oh, whoa. let's get down, get funky. there we go. there we go. ? finkadoo, hatchling ? ? veez be-dum go ? ? wonda dan dursel you're waiting, too ?

i'm so proud to be a father. can't wait for you to meet your god-moose, too. i'm a father. here, chuck. here's a cigar. thank you, carl. mindy, i'm a father! you'll never believe what happened. this little guy followed me home. i heard a tiny knock at the door, and he crawled right in! mork -- here's what happened. i was walking down the street, and there was a burning bush. this big voice said, [ deep voice ] "take him home. it'll be all right." mork -- [ normal voice ] i know. oh, dopey me. i should never get my alibis out of a bestseller. um, here's the truth. you see, his parents abandoned him. he'd be raised by rabbits, and who knows what would happen when hunting season would come along? he might end up on a chain as a good-luck charm. mork, look -- mindy, please!

i'll do everything he needs, and i named him after you. mork, you can't keep him. why not? i paid good money for him. well, that's just it. it's against the law to buy a baby. the guy who sells them says he sells them all the time. and he's going to jail because of that. are they here to take him back? i'm afraid they are. but don't you understand? his parents are nasty people. that guy lied to you. this baby was stolen. , and they want him back. you get the baby, and i'll contact the office. no, no, no! [ baby cooing ] i'll give him back to you. come on. shh. shh. wait. you've gotta keep him real dry,

take care, little fella. goodbye, little mindy. top of the world, ma. miss mcconnell, thank you. we'll be in touch. whew. i'm gonna miss him. oh, mork, i'm so sorry things worked out like this. yeah...me too. i had to do that. i had to give him to those people. i know. i didn't know his parents loved him and wanted him back. i can't blame them. i don't know what to say. i just feel so sorry for you. aw, you don't have to feel sorry for me. now i know what it's like to be a father. whew. it's really wonderful. even being a father for an hour is better than being never a father at all. you're really amazing.

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mork calling orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson. come in, orson. y, laser breath! mork calling orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson -- i read you, mork. what have you got for me this week? oh, something very special, your immenseness. this week i was a father for an hour. that's wonderful. what's a father? oh, um, you remember mother? well, a father is the male counterpart. if you have a mother, why do you need a father? sounds like featherbedding to me. oh, no, a father's very important. he gives a child love.

a child needs lots of love so it can grow big and strong in here. that's a father's whole function? no. just loving? oh, no, your fatitude. a father serves another purpose. he provides food, shelter, leadership, and according to recent facts, he works very hard, worries a lot, and dies young so his family can go on living. who would apply for a job like that? you know, between the mother and the father, children receive so much of everything, they must be grateful. oh, no, sir. they take it for granted until it's gone. then they miss it. well, i don't understand why anybody would want to be a parent. orson, it's one of those situations where you have to be there, 'cause once you hold this little tiny baby in your arms, this eensy-beensy tiny being, it's -- eeto! it makes it all worthwhile. personally, i'll stick with the test tubes. oh, que sera, sera. till next week, your immenseness.

diamo. announcer: ron carlton here with the news, -- captions by vitac brought to you every morning by scrub. hi, honey. uh, i thought you'd left. no. why? it's early. i have a feeling mother's going to drop in. it's late. just a minute. she promised the next time she came she'd let me know in advance. and now a special announcement. darrin stephens of this city will receive a visit from his mother-in-law today. [ ding! ] that's what you call letting me know in advance? you didn't specify how far in advance. this is for you, darling. oh. who's it from? ticheba. oh, my goodness. tiche-who? ticheba. she's -- oh, my goodness. what does she say? she -- she said -- oh, my goodness. stop saying that and tell me.