jim gardner. good night. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, roseanne barr. eric dane. and music from tech n9ne with cleto and the cletones. and now, get it together. here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome to the show.

you know, something pretty crazy happened during the world cup today. anybody watching the world cup at all? i've been joking a lot about soccer being boring, but something that definitely was not boring happened today. uruguay forward luis suarez bit an italian player. he bit him. watch on the right side of your screen. they're playing soccer. >> a slash inside the penalty area. >> that's normal. he starts grabbing his teeth, he's grabbing his shoulder. a little nibble there that went on. here's another angle on it. and then he holds his face like

he got shouldered in the teeth or something. it's like jennifer beals in "flashdance" all of a sudden. yeah, this guy's done this three times now. he's been suspended for it twice. last year he to the a ten-game suspension for biting a player. now he bit an italian. one or two bites is one thing. but when you bite thee people, i think that's considered to be a spree, right? it might even be classified to be a value fire no-- vampire no. it seems clear to me, if you zoom in here, you can see bite marks. you can fit him for invisiline with that bite. even evander holyfield weighed in on this today.

he got bitten twice by mike tyson. he tweeted today, i guess any part of the body is up for eating. yeah, all right. and italian food is delicious. so i don't know. here's how i handle people who bite. i go, what did you do? we do not bite. we do not bite people. usually they're only 2 years old when they do that. not only did he have to get a tetanus shot, they lost the game 1-0. from that game, this was our world cup play of the day. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: back here in america,

where we keep the united states, all we have sports wise is baseball right now. this is from "sports center" and they were covering the brewers game and provided us with our unintentional joke of the day. >> the brewers own the best record in baseball. they are second in the majors in batting average and home runs. and they hit a home run every day with their sausages. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: seems like that would hurt, right? here's some bad news if you're a regular at starbucks. starting today, the prices are up. as of this morning at most starbucks nationwide. a grande will now cost $1 million. actually, the prices of a lot of their popular drinks are going up between 5 and 20 cents. fortunately, you can still make up the difference in stolen packets of equal. i didn't think it was possible

for starbucks to be more expensive. i also didn't think there would be four star bucks in one strip mall, but they proved me wrong. it's getting to the point where you need coffee to stay away to work a second job to pay for all the coffey. leaders in the house and senate marked the 50th anniversary of the civil rights act by awarding a medal of honor to dr. martin luther king jr. during the ceremony, watch as our nation's leaders join hands to sing. ♪ we shall overcome [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they don't know the

words. i don't even know where to start with that. first of all, ironically it might be the whitest thing i've ever seen. and i don't think we overcame anything based on that. it's like they were joining hands in a lifeboat just before they all drowned. and poor john boehner standing at the end, he had to hug himself. meanwhile, legislators in the state of new york passed a new bill banning something i never even heard of before today. do you know what a tiger selfie is? you guys don't either. apparently men are taking photos of themselves with tigers as profile pictures on dating sites. here's some examples. these are real photographs. this guy looks very happy, the tiger doesn't. another guy, this guy snuck in behind the tiger, which was smart.

this man -- i guess he's feeding the tiger. and another guy, it looks like this guy is actually trying to date the tiger. in the interest of safety, i guess, new york assembly woman linda rosenthal introduced a bill which, if signed into law, would outlaw touching or hugging tigers in the state of new york, which i don't think that's necessary. someone who is dumb enough to pose with a tiger, i'm okay with that person being eaten. in the long run, i feel like it makes our country stronger. but if the bill gets signed into law, touching a tiger in new york would result in a $500 fined, and it would be doubled if you pose with the tiger while consuming a large sugary drink. big basketball news today. lebron james's agent said lebron

will become a free agent on july 1st. can a fie who makes more than $20 million technically be a free agent? i don't think he can, but lebron had two years left in his contract with miami, which would have netted him almost $43 million. and he's like, eh. and he -- this doesn't necessarily mean lebron will leave the heat. in fact, he probably won't. now there's a chance he will wind up on another team. wouldn't be funny if he went back to cleveland? like getting back together with an ex and pretending nothing happened. one rumor is that lebron could end one the clippers, but it seem s like the clippers have bigger fish to fry. the last thing donald sterling needs is a new wrinkle, but donald sterling is the owner of the clippers. his wife is trying to sell the team to former microsoft ceo steve balmer for $2 billion, but

donald is fighting it. arguing the clippers are worth more than $2 billion. i think he keeps forgetting he owns the clippers. yesterday he spent the day at the santa monica pier with two unidentifiy eied women. this is the reason i want to show this video. you see the women there in the striped shirt. she's like, wait a minute, go back and show that again. because watch her, and then -- she's like, wait a minute. it's the devil. i know that guy.

[ applause ] speaking of the devil, do you know my cousin sal, he enjoys a food practical joke. so from time to time we hide cameras in a house and have things delivered to the house. this time sal ordered thai food and the result was -- well, it was this. >> hello, how are you? >> $5.25. >> come on in a second. do you mind taking your shoes off first? it's a thing with my people. it will be just one minute. just take your shoes off. i want to give you a big tip, okay? >> in asian house, we have to

take the shoes off. >> i didn't even know that. thank you, come on in. how much do i owe you? >> $26.25. >> which is it, $26 or 25? i'm just kidding. i do it all the time. i'll be right back. i'm going to get some cash. don't even worry about the change. so $26 and that's like almost a $14 tip. >> thank you very much. i appreciate that. >> is that a good tip? >> very good. thank you. have a nice day. >> thanks, man. take care. you're a good guy. have a good one. take care now. bye. >> bye. >> where are my shoes? i lost my shoes. [ laughter ] i just leave my shoes outside.

where are my shoes? >> what? >> my shoes. i just leave it here. >> yeah, you took your shoes off, right? >> yeah, it was here. >> this is very good. are you sure you had shoes when you got here? >> you told me to take shoes off. i have two orders. i need my shoes. >> sit down, i think i can help you out. all right, here's what i got. all right, what are you, about an 8? >> i lost my shoes. tell them what happened. we're trying to fix it here. >> i lost my shoes and you know what? i have to put on a different shoe. yeah, i don't know. >> tell them what happened. >> hello?

yes, your deliveryman, he's a very sweet guy, but he lost his shoes. i don't remember that he brought shoes here, but he said he left them on the porch but now they're gone. but i have a pair here. do you want to try one of these on? >> i need my shoes back. i have to go. >> you want to wear these? this one is $40. i'm going to hang up now. sorry, i'm doing business. >> i need to go. i have to go. >> okay, come here, come here. >> i have to go. >> are they in here? did you look in the bottomso bo? >> a lot of delivery guys lose their shoes. these look like your shoes. these are like $40. >> that shoe cost more than that. >> good luck with your shoes, all right?

is that where you put your shoes? they were there the whole time, huh? i' all right, thanks. >> what's your name >> i'm sal. >> i'm paul. >> apology accepted. you want this basket? you can take this. >> that's for a big foot. >> bye, paul. all right. well, looks like i got a new phone. check out his screen saver. >> jimmy: this is how we make friends around here. thank you. tonight on the show, eric dane is here. we have music from tech n9ne. and we'll be right back with roseanne barr. [ male announcer ] zzzquil.

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>> jimmy: tonight on the program, he has a very popular new show called "the last ship" that airs sundays on tnt. eric dane is here. and then, his new album, "something else" comes out july 30th. making his television debut from kansas city, tech n9ne from the at&t stage. he looks kind of scary. tomorrow night, gary oldman will be here, the very funny nathan fielder will join us, and we'll have music from bleachers. and on thursday, bob newhart, from transformers nicola peltz, and music from spoon. so please join us then. if you told me 25 years ago that our first guest tonight would spend many of her post sitcom years running for president, i would have said yes, that makes sense. but she's returned to television

as a judge on "the last comic standing." please welcome roseanne barr! [ cheers and applause ] wow, look at you. you look fantastic. >> thanks. >> you look really great. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you look like you're playing god in a movie or something. >> right. i've never worn white before in my life. it's kind of weird. >> jimmy: not even at one of the weddings? >> oh, yeah, that. >> jimmy: how is everything, how's life? >> everything is pretty damn good. how are you? >> doing well, thank you. >> you lost weight, too. >> jimmy: yeah, it's better to take the pounds off as you age, because people -- it's better than the other way, i think. people say oh, you hook better. >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's not entirely a

compliment. i think it's more -- >> i get this where people look at me, it's a compliment, but yet it's hike a burn at the same time. they're like, you look good. >> jimmy: so people must ask you what you did to lose weight. >> yeah. i said i'm on this revolutionary diet where you eat less and move more, and it really works. >> jimmy: it is something. i heard you and howard stern were dancing a lot to lose weight. >> i hilike to dance and yeah, that's how i'm keeping it off. >> jimmy: do you just dance around or is this an organized -- is it like a richard simons thing where you go in and he makes you dance? >> no, we just like to go through live music and get really [ bleep ] faced and start

dancing. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you know, it's a drunk workout. >> it kind of is, because you're a little looser when you've had a few. you can go a lot lower, you know, when you're -- >> jimmy: i like that a lot. that's the kind of thing that could appeal to me, although i don't do a lot of dancing. are you a good dancer? >> i think i'm a really good dancer, for an old woman. >> jimmy: why do you say you think you're a good dancer? >> i've always been a good dancer. >> jimmy: do other people think you're a good danceer? >> yeah. >> jimmy: so you're a good dancer. >> like, look at grandma go. >> jimmy: i don't think i've ever seen you dance. >> yeah. you know, we'll have to hook up and go to a bar where there's music and we'll do it. i might video myself doing it. >> jimmy: why not is

>> because people are like, huh? i'm like yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: you can dance right now if you want. [ applause ] you don't have to. >> i've got on big shoes. i'm not drunk. >> jimmy: guillermo can solve that really quickly. >> i'll take care of you. >> jimmy: how old are you kids now is >> they're all old as [ bleep ]. you're not supposed to say that. i have two of them in their 40s. i can't believe i have two of them with gray hair. then i've got a 19-year-old. he just graduated from high school. he's going to college. i'm so thrilled. [ applause ] i've got to say it for him, i got to say it for him, swag.

>> jimmy: why do you say that? >> because that's what he says all the time. >> jimmy: why does he say that? >> they just say weird things. >> jimmy: what do you get your son, hike a watch orring? >> he's weird. i wanted to get him a car, but he doesn't want to drive. have you ever heard of a boy that doesn't want to drive? >> jimmy: i was one of those boys, until i was like 17. my friend, cleto, who is my band leader here, drove, and i was better off driving him. i was scared to drive. do you think he's nervous about it? >> yeah, he's scared. >> jimmy: you shouldn't push him. if you're scared, you'll be a bad driver. i'm still a bad driver, but i'm not scared anymore. others fear me on the road. >> so i didn't get him anything. i think i gave him a couple

hundred bucks. >> jimmy: is he going to college far away? >> he's going to san francisco. >> jimmy: and you live in hawaii. >> yeah, but i always go where he goes. he hates that i do that. i know it's weird, but i moved across the street from the boarding school that he went to. >> jimmy: you did not. >> he wanted to get away from me and go to boarding school, so i'm like, okay, go to boarding school. then i moved right across the street. >> jimmy: you didn't. >> yeah, i did. you have to! >> jimmy: i don't think you do have to. >> i am going to move up there to san francisco. >> jimmy: you are? >> close to the school. hell, yeah. i'm like, come on, you have nothing to say about what i do or where i go. i'm the adult. >> jimmy: and it's true.

>> of course, you want to keep your eyes on them these days, parents. you know, jimmy, you can't let them -- >> jimmy: at a certain point, you are actually stalking them. he could actually get a restraining order. >> he did say that. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i don't care. >> jimmy: i would think he would want a car so he could drive as far away as possible. i guess not. you i do part of him likes having you close by this >> yeah, who else is going to wash his laundry. >> jimmy: do you do that? >> i do it all. i do the cooking, cleaning. i live on a farm. >> jimmy: but i thought you would have a team of people doing that stuff for you. >> i have a team of goats and sheep. it was good for me, because i did that all my life, but it's a

good meditation to keep your closets -- you women know. it's a good thing for your head to stay organized and on top of your stuff. >> jimmy: you say you women, though. it seems very anti-tefeminist o you. >> okay. some of you guys know -- >> jimmy: roseanne barr is here. we'll be right back.

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we are back with roseanne barr. you are a judge on "last comic

standing." >> i really love it. first of all, i love comedy and oil a fan of comics. so it's fun to sit there and see where it is right now, because i've been away for a long time. it's like coming back to see what people are doing. it's exciting. >> jimmy: do you feel like it's different or the same deal? >> some of it is the same. but some of the things they're saying and the way they're saying it i haven't heard before. so it's kind of neat. >> jimmy: especially in a medium like that where it's a person on the stage with a microphone. it doesn't vary that much, but to see somebody doing something original is amazing. >> no kidding, right? and i've seen quite a few of them doing some original, real forward stuff, catching you off guard. >> jimmy: do you advise them, do you take them aside and -- >> well, we tell them at the end, you know, what we thought

about them. >> jimmy: on the show. but do you take it further with them, if there's somebody you take a particular liking to? >> i don't think that's appropriate. >> jimmy: unless they ask you. >> after it's done, then i'll do it. >> jimmy: oh, i gotcha. yes, you wouldn't want to interfere with the sacred rules of a reality show. >> right. but, you know, i like to -- we like to get them positive advice because they come back, and then they have to top themselves. it's like five, then you do another five that tops that five and pacing. you know how it is. it's an art. >> jimmy: i can't imagine. some of them must be hoping that they get eliminated because you have to do five minutes, then another five minutes. maybe you don't have another five minutes. >> you can tell those who don't. they have a good five, then the next time they come on, it's

like a good three, with two filler minutes. >> jimmy: what shows do you watch on television? >> you know, i'm weird. i only like -- i know this is weird. i only like the i.d. channel with murder all the time or 100% murder. and i like, you know, the hitler channel and such. >> jimmy: of course. he still brings it off all these years. the i.d. channel is a channel i've not seen until i was on vacation with some friends. it's really like a bunch of shows about wives killing their husbands, right? >> and they always have new murder stories. now they've got one "sinister minister." it always has that title, you know, real creative. wives with knives. >> jimmy: that's the one that makes me nervous. >> it's just like a bunch of

really -- people, the way they think they ear going to get away with it is what gets me. you know, then they act all normal. but they always get caught, and i love the way the forensics works to get them caught, because it's never, you know, what they -- it's never what they think. and i'm going to do my own show on this called monsters in the fall. >> jimmy: for real? >> yeah, which is like all these horrible moms that makes me feel so functional. these horrible moms and the things they do. oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: and they're going to free to be on the show? >> that's the other thing i like, they re-create stuff. like, you know, i'm going to be on tv, and they're a corpse. who knew, mom? >> jimmy: that's "momsters,"

huh? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i don't know that it's mattering to the people on the show, but it sounds like it should be a fun show. >> i think it will make parents feel real good about themselves. join roseanne barr, everybody. "last coming standing" on thursday nights on nbc. we'll be right back. there are possibilities for people struggling with bipolar depression. ask your doctor about latuda, lurasidone hcl. in clinical studies, latuda has been shown to be effective for many people struggling with bipolar depression. latuda is not for everyone. call your doctor if you have unusual changes in mood, behaviors, or thoughts of suicide. antidepressants can increase these in children,

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>> jimmy: >> jimmy: our brand new game is called match the person with their allergy. we found thee people strolling around, and then somebody came up and asked you if you were ae lernlgic and you said yes. alex, where are you from? >> paris. >> jimmy: oh, that's in france. and you are? >> brendan. >> jimmy: where are from you? >> melbourne, australia. >> jimmy: and you? >> i'm kristen, from los angeles. >> jimmy: very good. have you guys met and chatted? >> yes. >> jimmy: do you like each other? >> yes. >> jimmy: we're not so different after all. i got your allergies here on a card. one of you is allergic to

gluten, which i find suspect. one of you is allergic to nickel. when would you over come into contact with nickel? and finally -- okay. first, i'm going to start with nickel. nickel? wow. i don't think nickels are made of nickels. i don't know when this is a problem. i'm going to give you that. and i should point out that there is a prize involved here. if i get these correct, i get the prize. if you get it correct, you get it. guillermo, what is our surprise tonight? >> season three of "roseanne" on dvd.

. >> jimmy: you're nickel. i'm going to say gluten. and i'm going to say cats. how did i do? [ buzzer ] switch them around so we can see who is allergic to what. wow. you're allergic to nickel? >> with like fake ear rungs and stuff like that. >> jimmy: what happens? >> they get swollen and stuff. that's what they're made out of. >> jimmy: wow, that is a weird allergy. are you really allergic to gluten? >> yeah, there's only certain types of bread i can eat or i'll get a strong migraine. >> jimmy: and you cats. guillermo, go ahead and present

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>> jimmy: our next guest has traded in his scrubs and bath towel for a navy uniform and a hazmat suit. he stars in the new michael bay production, the sci fi series "the last ship." watch it sundays at 9:00 on tnt. please welcome eric dane. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> i'm good, brother. how are you? >> jimmy: i'm good. i think you've had like two babies since the last time you were here. >> i have a 4 1/2-year-old and

2 1/2-year-old. i think you have one on the way, too. >> jimmy: i think so, too. you have two girls, right? >> yeah, my house is just the estrogen mafia in my house. >> jimmy: you're outnumbered now. >> absolutely. >> jimmy: does that change your daily activity? >> it cuts into the amount of time i get to watch sports. for the most part, i enjoy it. i like spending time with the girls. >> jimmy: that's good. you're not secretly looking at the television over their shoulders. >> maybe, sometimes. >> jimmy: you're from the bay area, correct? >> san francisco, correct. >> jimmy: what were summers like when you were a kid? did your parents send you to camp? >> they did. i spent a lot of time in alaska. my father's side of the family lives there, and i spent a lot of time doing a lot of fishing in alaska. >> jimmy: that's what i would have liked. >> are you a fisher? >> jimmy: yeah, i am.

i've been salmon fishing in a s alaska. >> i caught a 72-pound king salmon when i was 12 years old. the guide that was in this boat, it was dragging us down the river. i didn't know what to do. the pole was doing strange things. i finally got the fish in, and i think i fed my family for about four years on that thing. >> jimmy: 72 pounds? >> it was huge. >> jimmy: did you get a picture with that? >> i did. >> jimmy: that's spectacular. how many feet long was that fish? >> it was about five feet. i was 12, it was about my size. >> jimmy: if you didn't bring that fish back to your family to eat it, he would have brought you back to his. >> we cut him up and split it up and five years later they were still in the freezer. >> jimmy: your show premiered to

really big ratings. >> we did really well. we're very proud of it. >> jimmy: you shot the show on a ship. >> on a $3 billion naval destroyer, nanks to michael bay. >> jimmy: why would you shoot it on the ship? it seems unnecessary. can't they build a set that looks like a ship? >> it's a little cooler if you're on the actual ship, and it's a little tough to build a 500 foot ship. >> jimmy: not for michael bay it isn't. >> we started this thing, you know, two years ago. and we were beholden to the united states navy and their schedule and the ships they had available. >> jimmy: is the ship out on water while you're shooting? >> oh, yeah. you haven't lived until you've bunked with three grown men in a state room. >> jimmy: who did you bunk? >> one of our producers and one

of our creators. he was on the bottom bunk, i was in the middle, the producer on the top bunk. they pipe in music at 6:00 a.m. and it happened to be carly ray jepson's "call me, maybe." >> jimmy: oh, sure. >> and i didn't hear that. that didn't wake me up, but the thud, the skull crunching thud from my show's creator underneath me, because you have about six inches of space between your bunk and the next bunk. the sound of his head hitting the bunk, being jostled out of bed from carly ray jepson, walk me up. >> jimmy: that's pretty crazy. this is tied into the show, i know. this is a fashion show, and you're on stage there. and we see people with gas

masks. >> it was a very interesting concept. they had some artist's interpretation from end of days phenomena that people are fascinated by and how they perceive that in the form of a gas mask. one of the models passed out backstage. >> jimmy: really? >> and i'm not halving because she passed out. you kn you. >> jimmy: models aren't the sturdiest group of people. probably had low blood sugar. this sounds like a very dangerous endeavor overall, but it's going great. >> it is going great, thanks. >> jimmy: great to see you. welcome back. eric dane, everybody. the show is called "the last ship." watch it sunday night on tnt. we'll be right back with music from tech n9ne.

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>> jimmy: i'd like to thank roseanne barr, eric dane and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is coming up next. but first, his album is called "something else." here with the song "fragile," tech n9ne. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ you said you'd never ever break down but here i am sweeping pieces off of the ground ♪ ♪ you said you'd never

ever play to crowds but i've seen you hoping to play songs to them now ♪ ♪ i've spent all night long scared of tomorrow broke my alarm everything is almost lost ♪ ♪ pick it up slow before it's gone fragile wish i'd have known ♪ ♪ i never thought i'd be so fragile you're not alone if it didn't break ♪ ♪ before it's about to we've been here before i don't ever want to change i'm fragile - i don't ever ♪ ♪ some of the people appointed to give an opinion never do get it i want you to come on ♪

♪ and gobble a jimmy and die n9na be giving the remedy and why critics are really the enemy and i ♪ ♪ can't stand the way they slam today's gifted effin' incredible get fanned away with grands ♪ ♪ to pay this jam will lay scripted deaf and impeccable write a rhyme ♪ ♪ and i put everything in a flow i'm the n9ne i'm a look very mean when a foe scribe a line but he ♪ ♪ has never been at a show by the times it'll be better leave it in the sto cause they wrote ♪ ♪ nothin' but lies quotes stuck in my eyes amateur writer dissin' he's a beginner ♪ ♪ and hopes for your demise folks some may despise never do try to listen ♪ ♪ it's real i'm mad clueless when you scribble on your pad how you gonna criticize with a chisel on your ♪ ♪ nads sizzling your ad you don't really get why i'm so pissed understand this i'm an artist ♪ ♪ and i'm sensitive about my - yes i'm fragile wish i'd have known ♪ ♪ i never thought i'd be so fragile you're not alone if it didn't break ♪ ♪ before it's about to

we've been here before i don't ever want to change i'm fragile i don't ever ♪ ♪ tell me that i'm famous tell me that my name is ♪ we've been here before ♪ i don't ever want to change ♪ i'm fragile ♪ i don't ever want to change make some noise! [ cheers and applause ]

this is "nightline." >> tonight, the brothel next door. an undercover investigation into the shocking truth about prostitution on american streets. where young women are bought and sold in broad daylight. we are on the trail. what we were offered in just a few minutes for just a few bucks. plus, dancing at dawn. they're sweating up a storm all before you've had breakfast. the hottest new trend that's got these party people chasing a natural high. and watch out for jaws. did the bad boy of soccer bite again? what happens next after an extreme foul on the field? but first, the "nightline" five.