tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC June 25, 2014 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
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gardner, good night. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight, gary oldman. nathan fielder. the world's ugliest dog gets a makeover. and music from breachers. and from this moment on, it's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. you're very nice. welcome. i'm jimmy, i'm host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming.
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i appreciate that. hey, quick personal question if you don't mind. how many of you are single in our audience here tonight? and how many of those that are single, how many are smart? well it's good to know your limitations i guess. the reason i ask is because match.com is teaming up with mensa to create a site exclusively for people with genius iq scores. they partnered up because 80% of single people want to be with someone as smart as them. can you imagine sitting next to two people on a mensa date. waitress, would you mind if we move tables? >> as part of the announcement, they released a heat map to show where the smartest singles to
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live. according to them, the number one city is durham, north carolina. l.a. did not make the top 20. here's a tip. i know you're all geniuses, but next time you make a map, try a non-herpes related color to indicate where your singles live. online dating is fascinating to me. you hear about people meeting up in strange motels. then you hear your aunt meets her husband there and his name is ernie. so we thought it would be fun to use it as the basis for our question, we asked people have you ever had sex with someone you met on the internet. as a group, we ale try to determine whether they have done the deed with the help of the
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worldwide web. >> alicia hasso. >> have you ever had sex with someone on the internet >> what do you say? >> yes! >> jimmy: let's find out. >> no. >> because? >> because that's creepy. and scary. and disease fested. >> jimmy: next up. >> i'm jim lewis from ohio. >> have you ever had sex with someone you met on the internet? >> yes! >> jimmy: you can't always judge a book by its cover. >> yes. >> jimmy: you sure you don't want to take a second to think about that? who else do we have? >> my name is matthew from silver lake. >> have you ever had sex with someone you met on the internet? >> yes! >> jimmy: you're saying yes to everyone. let's find out. >> i have not.
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i would never! oh, my god, i would not be able to do that. i have known my boyfriend for months. it's not for me, no. >> jimmy: his boyfriend is a lucky man, i guess. and our next pedestrian is? >> i'm shawn from jupiter, florida. >> have you ever had sex with someone you met on the internet? >> no! >> jimmy: split pretty evenly here. >> yes, i have. a few times actually. >> how was it? >> it was great. better than i thought it was going to be. >> jimmy: they held me down and put nickels in my ears. he looked like tim duncan, didn't he? next up? >> adriana nelson from miami. >> have you ever had sex from someone you met on the internet? >> no! >> jimmy: let's not fight about it, guys. let's find out. >> actually, yes, my husband.
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>> jimmy: what kind of sick person has sex with their husband? she looked like julia roberts, right? i think they shot "pretty woman" out there. maybe she's a hooker, who knows? who's next? >> i'm from chicago, but i'm now based in san francisco. >> have you ever had sex with someone you met on the internet? >> jimmy: has herbert -- never met a herbert before -- had sex with -- let's find out. >> no. no. no, i haven't. had sex with someone on the internet. no. >> but i did buy this giant hat on the internet. i believe we have one more. >> i'm marcie from cleveland, ohio. >> have you ever had sex with someone you met on the internet? >> no! >> jimmy: most of the audience is saying no. let's find out.
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>> ummm, maybe. ummm, yeah, but of course, i knew the person a long time before anything like that happened, you know. >> how long did it last? >> well, with lesbians, you go for eight hours or whatever. so i would say probably seven, eight hours. >> i actually meant the relationship. >> yeah, eight hours. >> jimmy: eight hours. [ applause ] the world cup continued in brazil today. the big story of the world cup right now, maybe of the whole thing, a player from uruguay who appeared to bite a player from italy on the shoulder. luis suarez chomped into the italian defender. either that or he's a very bad
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kisser. but he's been suspended for biting twice before. so fifa, the governing body for soccer, is studying the evidence to determine what action they will take, if any. uruguay is claiming the pictures showing bite marks were photo shopped. has that ever worked even one time? if fifa decides he did bite an opponent for a third time, they'll likely suspend him again. that to me is ridiculous. he's been suspended twice for biting. if he did it a third time, pull his teeth. pull his teeth. [ applause ] what do you think, guillermo? >> i free with you. >> jimmy: you know soccer. any way, there's a match dad between bosnia and iran. in the fourth minute, iran came up with an amazing inbound pass we have deemed our world cup play of the day. ♪
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[ applause ] some international excitement. ryan seacrest has a new job, thank god. i was worried about him. he just signed a deal with cbs to host a fashion week special called "fashion rocks." the deal is notable because he now works for all four major networks, fox, nbc, host of rocking eve on abc and now cbs, too. in the television business, we call that a slut. mauz because [ applause ] but in the best possible way. diane sawyer is giving her job away. it was announced today she will step down as anchor of abc "world news," and that's a big teal especially for us here. first barbara walters, now diane
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sawyer. i'm about to become the most respected news woman on abc. which is good for me. [ applause ] diane will leave in september. she'll be replaced by david muir, which means all three networks will be anchored by white men. so we did it. good for us. [ applause ] a piece of rock 'n' roll history was sold yesterday. bob dylan's hand written lyrics went up for auction and got $2 million. paying $2 million for bob dylan lyrics is a good way to know bob dylan would have hated you in 1965. the reason they're so valuable is because if you buy them, you'll be the only one in the world who knows what the hell
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upon dilan is singing. the most expensive manuscript ever sold. the previous record was for $1.7 million was paid for the handwritten lyrics to the song "tequila." there they are. well, there it is. you probably knew that, sfligt >> yes. >> jimmy: this is one. while everybody was busy trying to like soccer, the world's ugliest dog was crowned. he's a 2-year-old mutt named peanut and it's hard to argue with the judge's choice on this one. >> the world's ugliest dog is -- peanut? peanut, the 2-year-old chihuahua-shih tzu mix, bringing home the prize of the world's ugliest dog, beating out nearly 30 other pooches.
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holly from greenville, north carolina, found him and fell in love. >> he's either the world's ugliest dog or world's prettiest rat. we're not sure. wow. poor thing. you know who peanut kind of looks like? if you put them side by side. they have the same hairdresser. i'm happy to report that peanut is in the building tonight. the ugliest dog in the world is here. we tried to book the world's most beautiful dog but he's summering with heidi clum. we got hair and makeup and wardrobe to give the world's ugliest dog a makeover. take a look. ♪
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♪ >> i think he's ready. >> are you guys ready? [ applause ] >> jimmy: the former ugliest dog in the world, peanut! ♪ you are so beautiful to me >> jimmy: hi, peanut. peanut, that's a dog you wouldn't mind having your leg humped pi, right? holly, you're the owner. what do you think of the new hook? >> i think it's gorgeous. >> jimmy: he's like the bradley
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cooper of dog lgs. peanut, i want to say i hope this doesn't change who you are. it's what's on the inside that counts. don't go hollywood on us. let's show the before and after photos. i think you'll see that really -- the only difference is the bow tie, i guess. holly and peanut, everyone. [ applause ] tonight on the show, nathan fielder is here. we have music from bleachers and we'll be right back with gary oldman. so stick around.
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album from breachers. we have a good show for you tomorrow night. music from spoon, too. any actor who can play beethoven, bradracula and sid vicious must possess great talent. please say hello to gary oldman. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i'm glad to see you. thank you for coming. i know you've had a very unpleasant day today. i think a lot of people expected you would cancel on us.
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i appreciate that you did not cancel on us and you came here tonight. you had a lot of apologizing that you did today pause of a playboy magazine article, an interview that you did with "playboy." >> it was an article i did with "playboy" and i said some things that were specific. once i had seen it in print, i could see that it was offensive, insensitive, pernicious, and ill-informed. and, well, you know, words have meaning. they carry weight, and they carry on long after you've said them. and i don't -- i don't condone or excuse the words i used in -- well, in any context.
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i just basically should. have used them in any context. but i did, and i have deeply injured and wounded a great many people. so i -- i just want to -- i appreciate you having me here and extending your hospitality to put me in the seat once again. and it gives me the opportunity to say to those people that i, from my heart, i am profoundly, profoundly sorry and deeply apologetic. you know, especially to the fans, because they've been so incredible to me and very loyal.
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and i really feel that i let -- i let them down. you know, especially to the younger fans, i should be -- as a public figure, i should be an example and inspiration, and i'm an a-hole. and i'm 56, and i should know better. so i said to them, and i also say i extend my apology and my love and best wishes to the -- to my fan base. >> jimmy: i'm stuck on the fact that you call your fans team oldman. >> well, they've been pretty loyal. >> jimmy: can i be very honest with you? i know i shouldn't, but i'm so happy that someone has to apologize on this show, and it's not me for once. [ applause ] so thank you. >> i mean, have you ever been -- >> jimmy: oh, yeah, i do stupid things all the time.
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but i think it's important when somebody apologizes to accept their apology. like some people, nothing is ever enough, and there's no end to it. and you could go on forever for some people. but it's obvious -- well, i guess, i don't know. you are a great actor, so we cannot trust anything you say. [ laughter ] >> oh, no, trust me. >> jimmy: all right. so, yeah, this sort of thing, i think we now see it over and over again, and where you have to go on tv and apologize for something. but sometimes you get caught up and you start talking and then -- >> i just think that you -- we're public figures and we're looked upon as social or cultural or political commentators, and i can't speak for other people, but i'm not, clearly.
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and i stepped out of my area of expertise, and i -- and i -- and i just landed both feet in a hornet's nest. >> jimmy: yeah, in general they say defending mel gibson is not a good thing to do in any way. i think i understand what you were trying to get at, though. you were talking about people being hypocrites. people love to jump on their soap box and take shots at people for saying something when you know a lot of people are saying -- not all of them, but a lot of them are. >> not all of them, but it just -- it just came over in a certain way, and for that, i'm deeply sorry. >> let me make the most awkward transition and say, are you excited about "planet of the apes?" [ cheers and applause ]
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>> i only -- i only ever wanted to talk about "planet of the apes." and this thing, this news cycle, this event has, i think, sadly derailed what my initial purpose was. >> jimmy: it's not fair to the apes. it really isn't fair to the apes. >> they're furious. >> jimmy: and all the people you worked on the movie with, too. >> so you've got the great people at fox, matt reeves, this incredible, amazing director, and the return of andy circus as ceasar. we have kerry russell, jason clark. we've got some fantastic actors, so it is -- believe me, it's a relief to actually -- i desperately want to talk about "planet of the apes. ". >> jimmy: i do too. because when i was a kid, i
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wanted to live on the planet of the apes. i had the action figures. i had the lunchbox. i swear, i had the lunchbox, i had all the little guys. i just thought it was -- i don't know why it fascinated me so much that there would be a planet of apes. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that planet, as you know, turned out to be earth. so you guys, the apes -- >> yeah, i was -- i mean, i was a huge fan and when they asked me to be in the movie, i mean, i didn't even -- i did not take a new york heart beat. i said, yeah. >> jimmy: the first one was great that they did. i liked that they made the apes the good guys in the movie. that was an interesting move. these are the apes have in the movie. these are some of the aims from some of the original films, which, to me, this is -- there is something charming. i mean, i know they don't look
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like apes. >> they weren't ordering spaghetti, obviously. >> here's dr. zaus reading the newspaper. and this is maybe the best one. there with the cigarette, wearing his straw hat and smoking. did any of your apes smoke? >> no, no smoking apes. >> jimmy: all right. you know what we're going to do? we're going to wash ourselves of the awkwardness. the one time people read "playboy" for the articles and you have to be in it. unbelievable. gary oldman is here. we'll be right back. ♪ this is a steak?
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they're animals. we will push them back! drive hem out! and they will not get through these doors! >> jimmy: that is awesome. [ cheers and applause ] that's exciting. i love the idea of apes riding horses, although if i was a horse, i would be like, why can't we ride the apes every once in a while? that does look great. >> they are making another one. so maybe i'll subject it.
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>> jimmy: the horses will rise. the movie, you're promoting a new sport. is this a sport that you have invented? >> yeah. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, i would like to -- i would hope that it could become a franchise. >> jimmy: you brought some video. this is something -- it's not a team sport. it's an individual -- >> well, it may later develop into a team sport. >> jimmy: i like that. >> like a tag kind of team sport. >> jimmy: you brought some video. i think this is the first time you'll ever see this particular sport brought to us by gary oldman. take a look. >> i'm people's choice award winner gary oldman. today is a fabulous day to do a little bit of stranger wrestling! hello, sir. what's your name?
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>> darren. >> nice to meet you, man. have we ever met? >> no. >> so we're complete strangers? >> yeah, but i've seen your movies. >> yeah? what movies do you like i've been in? >> well, that's -- ♪ >> stranger wrestling! >> hey, man. you've go ahead of me. i'm waiting on a lot of stuff. >> are you gary oldman? >> yeah. >> sweet. >> how are you? you want to take a selfie with me? >> absolutely. ♪
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>> yeah! what a rush! >> that's stranger wrestling. i hope you had as much fun as i did. >> just get in the car. [ applause ] >> jimmy: i think it's a winner. gary oldman, everyone. "dawn of the mplanet of the ape" opens july 11. we'll be right back. can i help you? we just wanted to find out about your family plan. sure, you get 10 gigs of data to share with unlimited talk and text. and for a family of four, that's $160 dollars a month.
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sounds great. sounds like a slam dunk. oh you a basketball fan? yeah, i played a little. hmmm, me too. lily adams. point guard. high school jv. grant hill. small forward. college and professional. oh, good for you. at&t introduces our best-ever family pricing. for instance, a family of four gets 10 gigs of data, with unlimited talk & text, for $160 dollars a month. use these innertubes in the so, you're sapool?we can't sorry, sir. it's hotel policy. is it really hotel policy?
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and, thanks to volvo, i'll pay nothing for repairs or maintenance for 5 years, nothing. they even cover my first month's payment. so, i'll be happy wherever the summer takes me. the wonder of summer event. the 2015 volvo s60 with complimentary first month's payment. starting at $329 a month. for years, jimmy kimmel has pla blazed his own trail, making each night more memorable than the last. >> jimmy: do you feel a girlfriend sh >> yes. >> rob lowe looks like skin cancer. >> every show is history in the making. >> thanks, jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: all part of the job, ma'am. >> "jimmy kimmel live," late nights on abc.
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>> tomorrow on "jimmy kimmel live" -- bob newhart. this week in unnecessary censorship and music from spoon. tomorrow on "jimmy kimmel live." and now you get hit again. this time by joint pain. it's a double whammy. it could psoriatic arthritis a chronic inflammatory disease that attacks your joints on the inside and your skin on the outside. if you've been hit by... find out more about psoriatic arthritis. take the symptom quiz at doublewhammy.com and talk to your doctor.
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it runs on doritos. [ barks ] sure. so now what? got to put the whole bag in. okay. yes! it's really working, jimmy! [ humming, thumping ] [ humming ] [ thumping ] this is the greatest moment of my life! get out of my yard! [ birds chirping ] jimmy? you're so old. [ crunch! ] it's the future! [ crunch! ] ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] if you can't stand the heat, get off the test track. get the mercedes-benz you've been burning for at the summer event, going on now at your authorized mercedes-benz dealer. hurry, before this opportunity cools off. ♪ nobody ever stomped their foot and asked for less.
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still to come, music from breachers. our next guest, season two of his very funny show "nathan for you" premieres this tuesday on comedy central. please say hello to nathan fielder. [ cheers and applause ] how are you doing? is it accurate to say that you enjoy puzzling people? >> puzzling? you know, maybe a little bit, i guess. i don't know about -- yeah, no, i don't know why i'm wasting so
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>> jimmy: i could read a thousand of these. this is another one. >> jimmy: i like the way you set that up. >> it's fraet. some parents didn't have a problem with it. >> jimmy: last time you were here you were in a bit of a fix because you opened your own coffee shop. >> yeah, dumb starbucks. >> jimmy: sticking to that parity law thing, huh? >> we got shut down by the
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health department. it wasn't because of them, but it was kind of stuff because i was making a tv show and running a coffee shop at the same time. so it feels good now just to be making a tv show. >> jimmy: and you never did get in any legal trouble from that? >> no, the health department let us off. i think they had to scold us, but they also thought it was kind of silly. they tried to keep a straight face and do their thing. yeah. >> jimmy: i gotcha. >> you said you were going to put in a good word with the mayor. >> jimmy: that was my prank on you. the idea of your show is, you go into a store or you contact an individual who runs a business. >> right. so dumb starbucks, it was a thing i was doing for the show. there was a full story behind that, as well. that's not even i think the most inventive thing we do on the
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show. >> jimmy: you do do some inventive things. >> yes, i help these real businesses with ideas. the key is to try to solve a problem that, you know, maybe they haven't thought of to solve yet. >> jimmy: like what sorts of problems? >> all right, so on the show this season, i help a party planner. so what's -- when you're manning a party, what's the biggest problem you encounter or stress? >> jimmy: who to invite. >> right, who to invite to the party. there are some people that you probably don't want to come to your party, but you don't want them to know that they didn't invite you, because if you don't invite them and you see them later, they might say hey, you had a party and you didn't invite me. but you also don't want them there at the same time pause you have one of those relationships where you just like them, you just don't want them to know that you don't like them. that's relatable, right? >> jimmy: i think so.
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>> so because these invites are sent through e-mail or something like that, i hired a software engineer to develop this invite system where you can choose which e-mail invites go to someone's inbox and which invite goes to someone's spam folder. so the benefit of this is that if it goes to their spam folder, they won't come, but if you -- if they confront you after the party and say hey, i heard you had a party, why didn't you invite me? you can say i did invite you, did you check your spam? and they think it's the e-mail's fault. >> jimmy: it's brilliant. [ cheers and applause ] i know your mom and dad are here. they must be very, very proud of you for figuring this out. this they are.
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mom and dad. did you do terrible things to them growing up? >> terrible things to them? actually, well, they -- my dad did a terrible thing to me. >> jimmy: what did he do? >> kind of along those lines. maybe that's where i get some of this stuff from. >> jimmy: probably. >> my dad convinced me when i was a kid that the ceo of the company he worked for was 4 years old, and it wasn't -- it was pretty elaborate. he got my mom in on it, and my sister, who is three years younger than me. he had a whole name, the guy's name was sidney bench, and he -- he has all these stories. he would come home with detailed stories every day. at first i thought it was a total joke and i didn't believe it. but he would have these detailed stories like oh, he made this
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speech today in reference that he thinks lunchtime for you fies is like recess for me and no one laughed at the joke. so specific stories like that, that aren't even good stories made me think, oh, this has to be real. and i believed it and i told all my friends at school that my dad's boss is 4 years old. they said no, you're an idiot. i said no, this is serious, for real. and he kept it going for months. and i wasn't even that -- i was 14. [ laughter ] so i wasn't even that young. i think i was just really gullible. i know i am kind of gullible. but he kept me going for months. i think he started to become concerned he would cause me psychological damage, so i think he had a conversation with my mom and told it to me, but he convinced me so well that when he broke' it to me that it wasnt
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real, i didn't believe him. then i was just embarrassed, because i told all my friends and i tried to never bring it up again. >> jimmy: the thing you did with the realtor where you convinced her to become the ghost realtor to sell houses that are ghost-free guarantied is nothing short of magical. season two premieres tuesday at 10:30. nathan fielder, everybody. we'll be right back with bleachers.
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out of time for him. "nightline" is next. this is their album, "strange desire." here with a song, i wanna get better, bleachers! ♪ ♪ hey ♪ i hear the voice of a preacher from the back room calling my name and i follow just to find you ♪ ♪ i trace the faith to a broken down television and put on the weather ♪ ♪ and i've trained myself to give up on the past 'cause i frozen time between hearses and caskets ♪ ♪ lost control when i panicked at the acid test i wanna get better ♪ ♪ while my friends were getting high and chasing girls down parkway lines i was losing my mind ♪ ♪ 'cause the love the love, the love the love, the love ♪ ♪ that i gave wasted on a nice face ♪
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♪ in a blaze of fear i put a helmet on ♪ ♪ a helmet counting seconds through the night and got carried away ♪ ♪ so now i'm standing on the overpass screaming at the cars hey, i wanna get better ♪ ♪ i didn't know i was lonely 'til i saw your face i wanna get better ♪ ♪ better, better, better i wanna get better ♪ ♪ i didn't know i was broken til i wanted to change i wanna get better ♪ ♪ better, better, better i wanna get better ♪ ♪ i go up to my room and there's girls on the ceiling cut out their pictures and i chase that feeling ♪ ♪ of an 18-year-old who didn't know what loss was now i'm a stranger ♪ ♪ and i miss the days of a life still permanent mourn the years before i got carried away ♪ ♪ so now i'm staring at the interstate screaming at myself hey, i wanna get better ♪ ♪ i didn't know i was lonely 'til i saw your face i wanna get better ♪ ♪ better, better, better i wanna get better ♪
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♪ i've got to get better crashed my car because i want to get carried away ♪ ♪ i didn't know i was lonely 'til i saw your face i wanna get better ♪ ♪ better, better, better i wanna get better ♪ ♪ i didn't know i was broken til i wanted to change i wanna get better ♪ ♪ better, better, better i wanna get better ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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this is "nightline." >> tonight, guns for everyone. like your prize with a side of firearms? these brazen new crusaders are bringing their right to bear arms to your backyard. no license? no problem. and they insist we're safer for it. plus, new york men. here in the e.r. with dr. oz. the heart stopping moments between life and death. we're along for the amazing race against the clock to save a man whose heart is ripped in two. >> i don't want to die. and frisky female fans going wild for french mars at
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