e and w, hmmy ki >> jimmy: thank you for being here tonight. i appreciate that. it's very nice. there's so much going on today, and i want to start with the world cup, because the u.s. team today defied all expectations. they were not expected to get out of the first round. they took the dreaded belgians into overtime. they call it extra time, but i don't.

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that sntancong >> i was sitting by my piano when i heard the reaction of people next door and i kind of watched the replay. >> so pretend you're sitting at the piano and tickling the ivories, and you hear people cheering. run me through it. tell me what's happening. >> my window is here and my piano is here. playing the piano. >> it goes off his butt, it's in the goal! >> screams from my right rear. >> from the window? [ laughter ] >> to the tv, because i know that's what's going on. i've been hearing it all day, and that was the reaction. there's a lot of soccer fans in hollywood apparently. >> some people are saying that landon donovan's play is almost

non-existent out there in the world cup, would you agree? >> no, he's still got one more in him. he's still got one more good shot in him. >> so you've seen highlights of landon donovan playing? >> i've seen him play. >> he's got the purple mohawk. >> and the tattoos and stuff. i watched that, i remember him, i'm a stylist, so i watch things like that. >> do you think landon donovan is outperforming the other players this the world cup this year? >> i don't think so. >> why is that? >> i've seen him play way better in the world cup. so i know he's under achieving right now. >> are we talking caloriesian or donovan? >> donovan. >> do you think landon donovan is living up to his famous nickname beckham schmecham this year? >> um, yeah, pretty much. >> what is the most shocking play landon donovan took part in thus far in this year's world cup? >> probably biting another man. that was pretty crazy.

>> he bit the guy? >> yeah. >> tell me about that. >> it's crazy. >> but it is what it is. >> what were the feelings and thoughts when you saw landon v >> he's hot, so i don't care. >> when you first saw landon donovan first bite that player, what went through your mind? >> what are you doing? that's crazy. it's not worth it, you know. >> do you think it was right for president obama to give him a phone call and scold him like that? >> i mean, he probably needed it. but i don't think it was his job to do that, no. >> so you think the president overstepped his bounds? >> yeah, yeah. >> -- by calling landon donovan and saying you shouldn't have done that. >> do you have any other thoughts on the world cup that you would like to lie about? >> go, usa! said it. [ applause ] >> jimmy: today, in case you didn't know, is canada day. [ applause ] on july 1, 1867, canada

officially became a country. so happy birthday, canada. just so you know, we like you a lot more than you like us. there are many celebrations in canada, including toronto, where mayor rob ford walked in the east york canada day parade. for some reason, he chose to wear a lei. does he think canada is part of hawaii? is that possible? [ laughter ] the mayor got mixed reaction from the crowd. a guy without a shirt decided to scold him along the way. but on the other hand, this man seems to have escaped from the hospital specifically to give the mayor his support. so happy canada day, canadian folk, from all of us. [ cheers and applause ] here in the united states of america, we have a new most terrifying place to eat in rifle, colorado. that is a place. there's a restaurant called shooter's grill, where customers are encouraged to bring their loaded firearms to eat.

just in case your cheese burger comes out and it's still alive. there's a sign that says guns are welcome on premises, please keep all weapons holstered unless the need arises. like, if you ask for light ranch and they brought you regular ranch, fire away, i guess, i don't know. it's not just the customers that are armed at shooter's either. so all the waiters and waitresses carry guns. how much do you tip an armed waitress? it's 300%, right? the owner of that restaurant was quoted as saying the customers love that they can come here and express their rights, which i don't know. in my opinion the only time it's acceptable to bring a gun into a restaurant is at mcdonald's when it's 10:33 a.m. and they tell you it's too late to buy an egg mcmuffin. [ laughter and applause ] that's it. this is funny. speaking of guns, are you familiar with the rapper rick ross?

he's a large gentleman which is especially noticeable because he rarely wears a shirt. lately he's been losing weight thanks to exercise and a new diet. >> the most i used to do for exercise was stand up to count the money. you know what i'm saying? >> but you might be on your feet for a few hours. >> now they give me fruit to eat. i forgot what fruit tasted like. i eat pears and [ bleep ] like that. >> shout out to all the pear eaters. i never thought i would hear that shoutout. but i have. he rediscovered his love of fruit. not many rappers do that. our musical guest tonight is a talented gentleman named trey songz. [ cheers and applause ] trey is a big man with a song called "nana." it's very catchy, but unless you know the new lingo, some of the lyrics might go over your head. and you don't want that. so i'm going to help get some translation.

it's time for "new lyrics for old people." to help us with this, please welcome trey songz. trey, come on out. [ applause ] there he is. how are you doing? welcome. thanks for coming. [ cheers and applause ] >> this is the guy i was telling you about. before we start translating this, when you say nana, are you talking about your actual nana, like your grandma? >> no, no. i'm just saying nana. >> okay, good. it would be gross the other way. shall we begin? >> let's do it. so you to the first line. >> that's nice right there. i like that. this is the intro, ladies and gentlemen. it goes like this. one, two, three. ♪ oh, nana, look what you done started ♪ >> jimmy: so it appears that with nana, things are headed in a sexual direction.

♪ oh, nana, why you do you act so naughty ♪ >> jimmy: i question why you behaved inappropriately, even though i am aroused. [ laughter and applause ] >> this is great. here we go. ♪ oh, nana, i'm about to spin all this cash ♪ >> jimmy: i'm so aroused, i will pay you. >> oh! he almost said ass, but for the sake of children, you didn't. >> yeah. then it goes -- ♪ oh, nana, put your hands in the air if you love me tonight ♪ >> jimmy: that's polite. raise your hand. if you would like to make sex. >> hands up, anybody? ♪ oh, nana, keep your hands in the air if you're spending the night ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we would like to maybe have a sleepover let me know so

we can have clean sheets on the bed. [ applause ] again, we're translating. he's not offering you sex. ♪ oh, nana, oh, nana >> that's just nonsense. >> right. ♪ baby, baby, i'm the one you love here, i'm going to give it to you ♪ >> jimmy: now it's time for the sex they were talking about. >> it's sexy time. ♪ i'm going to give you the best time of your life ♪ >> jimmy: he's very good at sex and he's saying you're going to ♪eally enjoy this. get the check ♪ >> does that mean you're making her pay for dinner? >> no, no. that's when the check -- if she's down for that, i'm cool. i ushlgly -- usually take it >> jimmydon't let me stop you. ♪ girl i ain't even got a

check ♪ >> jimmynow e maki proceed immediately. >> we've been doing this for a while now. >> and it's time. no foreplay. ♪ let me show you the best >> jimmy: i know you've had relationship issues in the past, but this time will be different because i'm like the michael jordan of sex. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ you know right r re theoys and aretheyleft? want her a.ttenmy: and the >> to belittysle. iel curb them the left. this is new lingo for ignoring people. >> jimmy: i didn't know that. >> i'm putting you up on game. i'm going to tell you something -- >> jimmy: i don't know what that means either. but it's good? >> yeah. >> that's trey songz, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] we're going to do the whole song later. trey songz is here. we'll be right back with dane cook.

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n taeshe manhyhige thhoson sn me thea.me very good to see you. how are you doing? >> great to see you. great to see everybody. great to see you, guillermo. >> nice to see you. >> jimmy: what's going on with you? >> every day i put on this suit and i wait for you to call. what have i been doing? >> jimmy: you're getting very muscular, by the way. i think you need to be careful. >> jimmy, it's called yoga. it's called jacked. >> jimmy: i know. >> i'm just doing dips waiting for you to call. what have i been doing? a little thing called online dating. >> jimmy: have you really? >> i am, i was interested in it. i actually joined a couple of sites. it's an amazing process, the online dating world. you can really -- the one site that i had a little difficulty with, ancestry.com has been --

>> jimmy: no, you've got the wrong -- >> i'm just not doing it right. >> jimmy: what sites are you on? >> i'm telling you right now, if you want to meet somebody, you can meet exactly the kind of person you're interested in online. if you're religious, join a website called christian mingle. you can mingle with christians. you can only talk about christian things. i'm not christian, but i'm sure they're talking about guilt. easter eggs. if you're jewish, you can join j-date.com. talk about jewish things. again, i'm not jewish. i'm sure they're discussing where the best chinese restaurants are located. if you're a farmer, you can join a site called farmer's only. are you on that site? you can meet only farmers. i'm sure that website is just at peak hours at 4:30 a.m., good morning. basically, there's a site for everybody.

if you're irish, irish connect. if you're indian, that website is just dot com. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's right. i did not know about that. >> that is right. >> jimmy: dane, by the way, i cannot -- we uncovered this today. >> what is this? >> jimmy: this is one of our old head shots. i cannot believe that this guy would need any kind of help with online dating. [ laughter ] what a dreamy shot. >> wow! >> jimmy: when did that happen? >> let's really -- wet hair, eh. >> jimmy: it's like a pantene commercial. >> i'm wearing an xxl blazer. that was one of my first head shots, yeah.>> jimmyi li t don't follow your dreams, run with them. [ laughter ] this is before oprah magazine, so you probably came up with that yourself. t tree whispered to me, as i was dreaming underneath it. >> jimmy: that is something se. >> thanks so much f

yo dre [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what is your plan for the fourth of july? do you like to cause explosions, blow things up? >> no, no. we've known each other for a long time. i was always like the nervous kid growing up. i didn't enjoy the fourth of july. i was always afraid that there was going to be some kind of, you know, i would be laying in bed wondering about high wind advisories. >> jimmy: really? >> i remember walking around and warning neighbors. listen, you have some dry brush neighborhoo: you were qui tut. that's g tma ys, right>>hey wouo popular in the way i was a a g , nirs family.s getting too

think it w 1arto this day that e show to promote your first changed my life, the success oa. i al news i have tonight. spoierrie a new specl hi first one in to let the fans and everybody know. it's going to be on showtime 't be more excited this year. >> jimmy: oh, good. i thought you were going to make a joke. [ applause ] i thought you were going to come out of the closet or something. i didn't know what you were up to. >> you have to watch the special.

it's called "trouble maker." it will be on this fall. >> jimmy: this is good timing with the disney movie, because you want to have some space between your standup act and -- >> right. this is fun family fare. this is going to be a lot of heart and fun. then in the fall, we will destroy relationships. >> jimmy: you'll get back to the horrors of -- all right, well, we'll see a clip from your new movie when we come back. >> let's to that when i come back. >> jimmy: dane cook is here. we'll be right back. >> announcer: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by subway restaurants. try the new crispy flattiesa today. subway, eat fresh. at what point in a friendly competition... does the mercy rule come i introducing fusion proglide rebuilt with flexball technology. makes maximum contact over

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