from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! [ cheers and applause ] tonight -- ted danson eva green and music from jake owen. with cleto and the cletones. and now, what do you know? here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's very nice. thank you. nice to see you guys. hi, everyone. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for watching. and at home, thank you for watching. thank you for coming. i'm glad you're here.

it would be embarrassing if you weren't. i'd like you to look closely at my -- look closely at my face. does my face look weird to anyone? like weirder than usual? i had a strange thing happen to me this morning. i woke up this morning. went into the bathroom and noticed a big red spot on my nose. i took a picture of myself. it's weird. there was no sign of trouble when i went to sleep. i wasn't out in the sun. i didn't get punched. i hadn't scratched myself. i assumed it was the beginning of an enormous zit. and it didn't hurt. when a pimple of that magnitude starts to form, usually it hurts. and my wife was sleeping. and i thought about waking her up to have her take a look at it. but i decided not to because we have a daughter that's three weeks old. she's up all night. instead, i just made a lot of noise until she woke up on her own. [ laughter ] call me inconsiderate.

she looked at it. and immediately, she figured it out. she figured it out instantly. it's a hickey. my daughter was crying. i had her to bed. and i wanted her to stop crying. so, i let her suck on my nose for like 15 minutes. and i woke up with a nose hickey. there it is. baby's first hickey. she got me good. [ laughter and applause ] i guess when you're -- guess when you're only 3 weeks old, everything of n the world is a potential nipple. i told her. it's a good thing that daddy wears makeup to work or you'd be in trouble, young lady. she never stops eating. even noses. she gained a pound since last week. it might not seem like a lot. but if you think about it, by her first birthday, she's going to weigh 60 pounds. by the time she's 5, she will be a 300-pounder.

we signed her up for weight watchers today. [ laughter ] interesting how they do it. she gets a point a day. congratulations are in order for the students of syracuse university in new york. the princeton review has named syracuse the number one party school in america. [ cheers and applause ] is that exciting? alumni? or just party fans? they beat out last year's top party school, the university of iowa, which slipped to number two. i'm sorry. i'd hate to be a cow anywhere near that campus tonight. [ laughter ] one thing the most sober, the most stone-cold sober school in the united states was byu, brigham young university. for the 17th year in a row. [ laughter ] they got the news, they celebrated by doing nothing. absolutely. i think my favorite part of this party school survey every year is the statement the school puts out. it's always kind of defensive. syracuse responded immediately.

they said syracuse university has a long, established reputation for academic excellence, with programs that are recognized nationally and internationally as the best of their field. we do not aspire to be a party school. we know you don't aspire to be a party school. that's what makes you a party school. [ laughter ] you think charlie sheen aspires to be charlie sheen? [ laughter ] no. he just is charlie sheen. [ laughter ] congratulations to the orangemen. and congratulations to their parents who took out a second mortgage so their kid could learn to make jager bombs. college basketball, the best part of college starting up. they had the first practice at the university of kentucky yesterday. and one of the things that makes athletes no fun to interview, is a lot of them are so polished, they're so good at not answering questions, that it's boring. that was not the case when reporters got ahold of kentucky defensive tackle, cory johnson

yesterday. >> cory johnson, says his weight is, quote, flexible. >> i've been 290. next thing, i'll be 300. next day, i'll be 280. my weight's flexible. it goes on its own. >> if you have like two steaks and two extra meals, do you put on ten pounds? >> i mean, i guess. i guess because i poop so much. [ laughter ] i poop like five times a day. three times a day. it's hard to keep weight when you got so much going out. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] a lot like my daughter. [ cheers and applause ] his parents must spend a fortune on diapers. [ laughter ] here's something i'm unhappy about. the game scrabble. for those of you too young to remember, scrabble is like word with friends, without the car accidents for playing while you're driving. this week, merriam-webster is adding 500 new words to the scrabble dictionary. this is the bible of scrabble.

one of the words is chillax. chillax is now a scrabble word. and so is mix tape. mix tape got in 2014. why add mixtape now instead of back in 1985, when it was actually a thing that existed. scrabble discovers cool words around the same time my mom discovers them. [ laughter ] there were a lot of questionable additions. friendemy is in. fun-flex is in. and maybe worst of all, bromance has been added to the official scrabble players dictionary. bromance is not -- two guys who like each other and have a personal relationship are called. they're called friends. that's right. [ laughter ] that's what they're called. i blame facebook for this. thanks to facebook, the word friend doesn't mean anything, which left the door open for the "us weeklies" to infect us with

bromance. can we get someone from scrabble on the show tomorrow? i want to put a stop to it. i have a new two-letter word for the people at scrabble. bare with me for a second. i think you're going to like this one. it's f.u. it's like kung fu. worth five points. you get for bromance. i'll tell you something. i am this -- i swear to god, i'm this close to switching to boggle for good. this is funny. it's taken a while. but after years of searching, i've come across a kickstarter campaign i might be able to get behind. a young man in washington, d.c. has launched a campaign called i want kenny loggins to play in my living room. he's trying to raise $30,000 to get kenny loggins to play in his living room. i don't know how that would work. if kenny would put his amp on the couch and go. maybe the neighbors would come

over. i don't know. i have many questions about this. so, joining us now from the very living room in which kenny loggins might soon play, say hello to eric sanchez, who is the brains behind this. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for skyping with us, eric. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: tell us how you came up with this idea. >> so, a couple of weeks ago, i was on twitter. and kenny had tweeted out that he had his own kickstarter campaign to fund his next album. >> jimmy: okay. >> and he mentioned exclusive that was not on his kickstarter. you had to go on his website. i went on his website. and i saw for a certain amount that kenny and blue skyriders, his new band, would come to my living room and play a 75-minute acoustic set. >> jimmy: i see. how old a gentleman are you? >> i'm 28 years old. but musically, i'm like 30 years

older than i am. i say my dentist is my deejay. >> jimmy: how much money have you raised so far? >> we raised about $7,500. and we have 18 days left at this point. >> jimmy: you have 18 days left. you're off to a very strong start. what do you get if you contribute to your kick starter to fund his kickstarter? >> i'll tell you right now. actually excited you mentioned that because i just released a special incentive tier, just for his appearance. i added the guillermo special. so, for $500, you are guaranteed a seat to the show. now, unfortunately, that's down to nine seats because kenny loggins himself bought that first seat. >> jimmy: he did? wow. so, kenny has actually donated to the kickstarter campaign that will fund his kickstarter campaign. [ laughter ] becoming very meta. like "inception" or something. how many people can your living room hold?

>> it will hold 50. it will be a tight fit. with the band, we can get enough guests over here. >> jimmy: i'm inclined to support you with this. i, too, am a kenny loggins fan. i want to make sure you're not being a wise guy. kenny's a busy man. before i contribute, i need you to prove that you are a true kenny loggins fan. i've come up with a simple quiz. are you ready? >> i'll give it a try. >> jimmy: okay. finish the rest of this lyric from the song, "i'm all right." i'm all right. nobody worry about me. why you -- >> got to give me a fight. >> jimmy: very good. >> why can't you just let me be. >> jimmy: nicely done. [ cheers and applause ] next one, complete this line. we're going to get a little more obscure. "danny's song." even though we ain't got -- >> money, i'm so in love with you. >> jimmy: all right.

he knows what he's doing. all right. all right. [ cheers and applause ] eric, what will you do if kenny comes to your living room and refuses to leave? what if he squats your living room and will not leave? >> i wanted to find a roommate. but i would be all right with it. as long as he would meet me halfway on rent, i think that would be just fine. >> jimmy: if this works out, will you go after kenny rogers? or are you a one-kenny man? >> i'm a one-kenny man. i'm all about loggins at this point. i'm a huge loggins diva. i don't know if i was mentioned to you earlier. kenny and i had a skype meeting on saturday. at this point, he's so excited, that we've been texting back and forth about this campaign. superamped. about a week and a half ago, my greatest accomplishment was finding two matching socks. >> jimmy: why do i now feel sorry for kenny loggins.

eric, maybe we'll check in with you on the night of the big concert, if it does happen. >> well, i will say next week, kenny has a show in d.c. and he and i are going to meet there. and hopefully we'll have a follow-up for the campaign. >> jimmy: hash it out. thank you, eric. i'll tell you something -- [ cheers and applause ] these kids and their kickstarters. when i was a kid and you wanted to have kenny loggins come to your living room, you had to do it the old-fashioned way and kidnap him. [ laughter ] here in california, it's been very hot. and there's no kickstarter campaign that can stop that. according to the national weather service, the first seven months of 2014 were the hottest ever in california. and on top of that, we are in the midst of a massive drought right now. state officials are urging citizens to conserve water every way they can. but nobody listens to state officials. state officials are boring. but people do listen to

celebrities. with that said, please welcome jake owen, everybody. jake? [ cheers and applause ] >> what's up, dude? >> jimmy: how are you? nice to see you. >> good to see you, too. >> jimmy: you look good. >> what's up? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for being here. i know that you've been doing some public service work that means a lot to you. and you wanted to share that with us. >> yeah. this is a big crisis going on with the whole water issue. and i feel like, as a singer, country music, writing songs, i have to do my part. >> jimmy: and as a water drinker, in general. [ laughter ] >> yeah. i feel like i could come here tonight and add some awareness to this. >> jimmy: that's very noble. >> help me out? >> jimmy: sure. >> i got this little melody. >> jimmy: okay. >> pretty country. >> jimmy: okay. >> it goes like this. ♪ from the west coast down to texas ♪ ♪ the land is parched and dry the reservoirs are shrinking ♪ ♪ because no rain foalls from te

sky ♪ ♪ we can't wait for mother nature to give us what we need ♪ ♪ it's time for you and me, jimmy, to go ahead and drink our pee ♪ ♪ it's time for you and me to drink our pee ♪ ♪ we got to drink our pee right here in the land of liberty ♪ >> jimmy: i don't think -- ♪ drink that pee come on, my buddy, jimmy ♪ ♪ let's go ahead and drink a lot of pee ♪ >> jimmy: jake, i don't -- [ cheers and applause ] you like that? that's actually, that's disgusting. >> it's not disgusting. monkeys do it all the time. they love it. >> jimmy: but we're not monkeys. >> yeah. but we're human beings. and if you know anything about human beings, 95% of our urine is h20. >> jimmy: but the other 5% --

>> we have to get the word out here. this is serious, dude. >> jimmy: all right. >> why are you interrupting my song like that? >> jimmy: let's keep going. ♪ urine is clean and sterile and it's natural as can be ♪ ♪ and it's made here in the usa and like america, it's free ♪ ♪ we're all in this together it's no time to be afraid ♪ ♪ we dried up our lemons but we can still make lemonade ♪ ♪ we got to drink our pee drink that pee ♪ ♪ we got to drink our pee right here in the land of liberty ♪ ♪ well, can't you see, my buddy, jimmy, we have to drink a lot of pee ♪ ♪ if we're gonna save this world, you and me, jim ♪ ♪ we have to drink a big, old glass of pee ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. i'm going to -- [ cheers and applause ]

thank you very much. thanks. i'm going to pass on that. jake owen, everybody. >> you're a monkey. >> jimmy: tonight on the show, from "sin city: a dame to kill for," eva green is here. we have more music from jake owen. and we'll be right back with ted danson. so, stick around. [ cheers and applause ]

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any large sandwich thursday august 7th through august 9th. so you better get shakin'. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, there. tonight on the show, from the upcoming movie "sin city: a dame to kill for," the dame people are killing for herself, eva green is here. then, his latest album is called "days of gold." jake owen from the at&t stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, from the movie "if i stay," chloe grace moretz will join us. from the ufc, jon "bones" jones will be here, and we'll have music from our announcer dicky barrett's band, the mighty mighty bosstones. [ cheers and applause ] i should mention that the bosstones are on tour starting friday in salt lake city and then on to denver,

seattle, portland, san francisco, l.a., vegas, st. louis and chicago, illinois. so, go see dicky and say held le to him. our first guest is one of the most beloved and excellent actors to have been squeezed through our tv set. he has a new movie called "the one i love" that is available now on video on demand and in select theaters starting august 22nd. please welcome ted danson. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] how's it going? >> it's good. >> jimmy: very good to see you. how long have you been on "csi." how many seasons has it been? >> this is the fourth. >> jimmy: fourth season right now. is that a fun job for you? >> yes, and hard. hardest thing. you can see smoke coming out of my ears the words are so hard. you're saying stuff you don't normally say. >> jimmy: do you ever pick any

of it up and become used to it? >> like blood splatter? no. no, you don't. things you never want to say again. >> jimmy: one of the guys that works here was at toys "r" us this weekend. and found this on a shelf next to the transformers and what not. it's the "csi," i guess is this your dodge charger from "csi"? >> no. i heard about this. but i don't understand the relationship between the car and "csi" at all. >> jimmy: this is not your -- >> none. >> jimmy: not your show vehicle? >> no. i don't have one. >> jimmy: that's not your bat mobile. >> no. but i understand i have a huge percentage of this. so, it's a damn fine toy. >> jimmy: it's got -- i like that they say it's for 8 years old, plus. as if there are 6-year-olds solving grisly murder/suicides in their bedrooms. that's something else.

i guess. now, you -- >> limited edition. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that might be the only one. you are -- are you one of the owners of a restaurant in little rock? >> yeah. yeah. co-owners. amy and her husband, matt bell, have this restaurant called south and main. and we came to partly invest. yeah. i do. >> jimmy: is that a fun thing for you to be a part of that? >> well, it is with this because it's a raging success. it's really, really good. they teamed up with oxford american, this magazine in the south that celebrates southern cooking, arts, everything creative in the south. they have music two or three nights a week. they have some of the greatest musicians in the south coming and playing. great food. >> jimmy: is it a bar also. >> amazing bar. with not a bartender but a mixologist. >> jimmy: i see. a mixologist. when you are there, do they

encourage you to get behind the bar? >> sadly, on opening night. >> jimmy: do you get that a lot in general? >> yeah. usually, i duck. but i went back, going. hey. no one even wanted to speak to me. they just wanted -- the only person that talked to me said could you get the mixologist's attention, please? >> jimmy: really? you're mayday malone. >> mayday malone. something about white hair. nah. you can't make a drink anymore. get out of here. >> jimmy: are you a capable bar tend tender? >> no. i can pour myself a lovely tequila. i went to bartender school. and i realized after meticulously making these drinks the first month, they wanted the jokes from here-up. from then on, i washed shot glasses. cut lines.

i think -- >> jimmy: you tolled rags a lot. >> can you? >> jimmy: can i what? >> bar tend? >> jimmy: solve crimes or bar tend? no. i can hardly even read. little rock, the connection there. your wife, mary, is from that area, right? >> yeah. born in north little rock. >> jimmy: that's why you're friendly -- a lot of people assume it's because everyone's famous. with the clintons. >> mary won an oscar about the same time bill clinton became first-term governor. and they became great buddies, introduced by her father. and, yeah, close friends. they gave her away at our wedding close. >> jimmy: that's pretty close. well, they could wind up in the white house again very soon. >> yeah. >> jimmy: is this the sort of thing, will you stay with them at the white house? >> yeah.

[ laughter ] i mean, if asked. we will go. yeah. absolutely. yeah. i mean, it's an amazing experience to be inside that -- the white house. it's astounding. >> jimmy: i walked through it quickly. i wonder what it's like to actually be in, like, the house part of it, where people sleep. >> yeah. i mean, mary was -- there's certain rooms that are scary. the lincoln bedroom is just so awe-inspiring and there's so many works of art, national treasures on the walls, that you realize, and we spent the night there, that you would be the last person saved if there was a fire. everything else would be -- who cares? let me save the star-spangled banner. >> jimmy: i would be worried about breaking something, would be my main concern. >> right. >> jimmy: i get up in the middle of the night and accidentally pee in lincoln's dresser or something. [ laughter ] and do you get to spend much time with the clintons? or are they busy? it's like staying at somebody's

workplace? >> it is. it's so strange to talk about this. it feels bizarre. but they really are mary's best friends for so many years. yeah. we would -- one night, we played this game called ditch the president because he has so much energy. he would go and do two fund-raisers and three different cities, four speeches. we would have taken a nap. and maybe gone to a gallery and it's 9:30 or 10:00, we'd be ready to go to our bedroom and go to sleep. we'd see him around the corner and it would be like, oh, dear lord. he would talk about the peace process in ireland in the most fascinating way. but you would be standing in one place for like 2 1/2 hours listening to him. [ laughter ] and he's so astoundingly bright, that you -- i want to go to bed, one part of your brain you idiot, it's the president. i want to go to bed. so, we started ditching the

president. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: no respect. it doesn't matter. we'll come back we'll talk about your new movie, i thought was great, "the one i love." ted danson is here, everybody. be right back. [ cheers and applause ] portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by yoplait greek. take the yoplait greek taste test at home and choose for take the yoplait greek taste test at home and choose for yourself. do you look after um? (woman laughs nervously) i use wipes and toilet paper on a normal basis. why? because you feel cleaner. i don't know what that is. are those the... these are wipes. you can't have one without the other. bonnie and clyde. they go together. would you use these? i would. absolutely. if you don't have a clean bum, what do you have? feel a clean so fresh it can only be cottonelle. ♪

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give you a chance to reset the reset button. i've sent a lot of couples there. they've all come back renewed. what do you think? >> i'll try anything. >> sophie? >> jimmy: that is ted danson in "the one i love." [ cheers and applause ] i have to say that, the movie, first of all, is directed by your stepson. >> yeah. charlie mcdowell. i'm grinning from ear-to-ear. i'm so proud. >> jimmy: i watched it today. the stepson directed it. but it's really great. >> thank god. >> jimmy: thank god, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: otherwise, you're screwed. >> it is so good. he's had the big-time directors come up and say welcome to the club. it's really a great film. and i don't know how you describe it. you have to be careful because

there's a twist inned anile that takes it into another direction that you don't want to talk about p. it's a relationship film, love story that takes another turn. >> jimmy: a very -- i don't know how to describe it without ruining it, either. it's not your typical movie about a couple going through problems. >> no. elisabeth moss, just magnificent. >> jimmy: that had to be like you felt like you dodged a bullet when you saw it, right? >> yeah. thank you, lord. thank you, charlie. so good. it was so strange to sit down the first day. first day. i worked one day. that's all he gave me right there. but i was watching him direct. i was marveling at how smart and good and ease he was. yesterday, he was bending over and lighting his own farts, you know? where does this come from? this mature. >> jimmy: maybe one day when he wins an oscar, he can do that on stage.

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[ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: hi, everyone. it's me again. welcome back. eva green and music from jake owen are coming up. august has begun. which means with the exception of the "teenage mutant ninja turtle" movie, there's are a lot of movies. so, we ask our friend, yehya, to review some of them for us. regives us his teak on "hercules." >> i'm yehya. i'm talking about "hercules." he takes the stone. big stone. on his back. like hercules. is hercules. and for the rock, it's the hercules, don johnson. his name is don johnson. and he does the movie "hercules."

and professional wrestling. he does a lot of action movies. he do like "momia." and a lot of good movies. the movie, "too fairy." the first one, "hercules," they're still breathing. that's like in 1760. the second "hercules," you're ferrigno. and with the guy comes. and he comes. somebody hits him. his eyes come. and he shot him. and he comes like -- hercules. don johnson, the rock, go watch it. good luck. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good luck. we'll be right back with eva green. [ cheers and applause ] portions of "jimmy kimmel

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twice as long as the law requires for a true kentucky straight bourbon. ♪ so four long years from now... i'll be back for this one. that's how jim beam makes history. how will you make yours? that's how jim beam makes history. oh, i had to go to the bank. if you look legit they give you special treatment. seriously? seriously, yeah. the banker dude set up my checking account so if i make one deposit a month, no monthly maintenance fee. special treatment! citizens bank, right? yep. you know they do that one deposit checking thing for everyone, right? and...you got mustard on your suit. actually, it's your suit.

one deposit checking. only from citizens bank. one deposit of any amount each statement period waives the monthly maintenance fee. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi. still to come, the music from jake owen. like the statue of liberty, our next guest is a talented green woman sent to us from france. her new movie, "sin city: a dame to kill for," opens august 22nd.

please say hello to eva green. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] the best thing -- one of the best things about people from european countries is you get not one but two kisses from them. >> always. >> jimmy: which i'm usually unprepared for. and there's usually an awkward moment. but i did anticipate. and i think i executed it perfectly. [ laughter ] how are you? >> i'm always very nervous. >> jimmy: always? >> nice to be me. >> jimmy: you're on nervous? or just always very nervous? >> i think i'm always very nervous. >> jimmy: always very nervous. interesting. of course, we mentioned, you're from france. you do a perfect american accent in the movies. is it difficult to do us?

>> to do you? >> jimmy: well -- >> um -- >> jimmy: i think of myself as the alpha american. yes. >> i mean, i'm french. i can kind of do a british accent. american -- i worked like mad. with a dialect coach. the muscles are quite different. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. and she keeps saying you have to do flat tongue, little mouth, sexy but not too nasal. that's the thing. never go too nasal. gmoutmy: you hear that, a cadesi --etdmeems youveth[ uy rv. j: u in arnd f ae louver

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