>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- adam carolla. cristela alonzo. and music from bob seger. with cleto and the cletones. and now, all at once, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. that's very nice. thank you very much. thanks to you and you and you. hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming out. welcome. for those of you who have joined us from other cities and towns,

welcome to los angeles, which according to a new annual report is the second-most rat infested city in america. [ applause ] did you know that? hard to believe, but they say we have more rats here than they have in new york. i guess we're so focused on taking care of this kardashian infestation that we forgot about the rats. the number one most rat infested city in the united states, you know what it is? chicago. yeah. new york is fourth. that surprised me. i think their report is a little bit misleading. the list is based on the number of calls orkin got last year in each city. in new york, if you see a rat, you don't even bother to call. [ laughter [ laughter ] rats are considered to be roommates in new york. all you can do is ask them to pitch in on rent and hope for the best. we have quite a show for you tonight. adam carolla is here with us tonight. and i'll tell you something -- [ applause ] it's -- it's always a little bit awkward to bump into an ex on

your own show. but adam is here to promote his show, it's called "catch a contractor." it's like that show "to catch a predator," but instead, they catch crooked construction workers. it's like "to catch a predator" but with even worse people. also tonight, from the new hit show "cristela," cristela alonzo is with us. and we have music from one of my favorites, one of a lot of people's favorites. from detroit, michigan, the great bob seger is here. making a rare television appearance in support of his new album. bob is going to do a classic for us tonight. i'll give you a hint. it involves hollywood and nighttime. you know what it is, guillermo? >> hollywood night. i don't know. >> jimmy: yeah, that's it. >> i don't know. >> jimmy: yeah, but you got it right. "hollywood nights." >> oh, i did? >> jimmy: that's why he's no fun on a game show. meanwhile, in north korea, kim

jong-un made his first public appearance in more than a month, allegedly. there have been many unsubstantiated rumors about his health or lack of it. but today, north korean state media released what they claim are new photos of kim jong-un. you never know. the north korean media consists to make everything he does look wonderful. it's the opposite of what fox news does to our leader here. today, they released these photos, which were broadcast all around the world. >> a series of photos released by north korean state media show the country's leader, kim jong-un, making what's believed to be his first public appearance in five weeks. the pictures, which show kim jong-un smiling broadly and supporting himself with a cane as he tours buildings in pyongyang, are designed to end weeks of global speculation that something was amiss. >> jimmy: well, there's nothing amiss. you can see right there on his face. the big question is, when he's going to execute the person that

does his hair? that is inexcusable. i'm not for this -- [ applause ] i guess this is -- these appearances were supposed to reassure everyone that he's fine. he's put on weight. his ankles are swollen. i think kim jong-un might be pregnant. [ laughter ] and he's carrying a cane now. he's a top hat and a mon can away from being a batman villain at this point. meanwhile, the vatican is either softening or not softening its position on gays in the roman catholic church. right now, cardinals and bishops are in a two-week discussion about the modern family and according to a report released yesterday, many of them believe homosexuals should be welcomed into the church, which is a very big deal. but today, they backed off that a bit. normally, the vatican will only discuss homosexuality in the church if they've been subpoenaed about it. but pope francis is a different kind of pope. he's placed a lot of emphasis on the concept of not judging

others, which i don't know where he came up with that crazy idea, i mean, can you imagine a world where we don't judge others? it would ruin reality television. they'd have to disband the fashion police. that wouldn't work. but it is interesting how times change and religion changes with that. the vatican now, it's kind of like your conservative aunt. not totally on board with equal rights but she does watch "ellen" enday and she likes her, so, we'll see. here in the good old usa, same sex wedding are six% expected t skyrocket. it could infuse half a billion dollars into the economies of states in which gay marriage is allowed. on average, same sex weddings cost just under $16,000. straight weddings cost almost $30,000. gay couples spend half as much on weddings as straight couples. i knew i should have married a dude. [ laughter ] i really -- [ cheers and applause ] but it's interesting, isn't it?

why do you think that is? i have a theory. maybe it's because they are able to plan their own weddings. [ laughter ] you don't need to bring anyone in. same sex weddings have an average of 61 fewer guests than straight weddings. unlike straight people, most gay people don't pretend to like you, if they don't. they just don't. there is an interesting twist. if same sex marriage isn't legal in your state, neither is same sex divorce. unless you go file papers in a state where gay marriage is legal, you have to stay married in the state where it isn't, which poses an interesting dilemma. can you be opposed to same sex marriage and also be opposed to same sex divorce? right now, well, the answer, at least from this political action committee, is yes. >> helen and i believe in traditional marriage. >> and when that didn't work out, we chose to divorce. >> to a straight divorce. >> we believe that divorce is a sacred covenant between two

hetero sexual people. >> but now gay people are demanding the right to divorce. this cheapens and demeans our divorce. >> it undermines the institution of divorce. >> we believe divorce should be between one man and one woman. >> one man who slept with the babysitter. >> and one woman, who never misses a chance to take a cheap shot. >> oh, here we go. >> yeah, here we go. >> okay, cheap shot, how about wake up before 2:00 p.m. and then we'll talk. >> you want to talk? that's the last thing i want to do. >> it's time to stand up for the sanctity of divorce. say no to gay divorce. paid for by straight people who hate each other's guts. >> jimmy: this is a video that i found on youtube. it's from brazil. a young man that loves bruno mars was up in a tree waving a broom and singing one of his songs. he got an important lesson. ♪

♪ oh oh oh ♪ oh oh oh ay! >> jimmy: that's god's way of telling him he's not going to hollywood. did can we see the end of that one more time? >> ay! >> jimmy: i don't know if anyone from the nfl is watching, but can we pleat mase make that the super bowl halftime show this year? burlington elementary school is banning any and all food from school birthday parties. no cake, no ice cream, no candy, nothing. it's apart of what they call their new wellness policy. underwhich no snacks of any kind are permitted at parties.

but students may give and receive gifts like pencils, erasers and bookmarks. might be unclear on the definition of the word gift in this particular ins stance. this is bad news for kids but bad news for parents, too. the whole point of having a child is, you get to eat cake batter like one or two more times a year, right? this isn't a first. there are birthday cake bans in effect at a number of schools around the country. which is probably the best, but while they're at it, they should ban those little milk cartons that are impossible to open without getting your teeth involved. yeah? guys? >> yes. [ applause ] >> jimmy: please. don't patronize me. [ laughter ] while we're on the subject of fatte fattening food items. in florida, a truck carrying 18 tons of crisco was stolen over the weekend. 18 tons in one truck. i didn't know we had that much crisco in the woshlgsd never mind in a truck. and once you steal 18 tons of

crisco, what are you supposed to do? is there some kind of vegetable shortening black market i don't note about? so, authorities have located the stolen truck, but it was empty. they took it all and the culprit is still on the loose. today, police released this photo of the suspect. please, if you recognize -- [ applause ] this person, contact local law enforcement officials immediately. [ laughter ] you know the website buzzfeed? it's -- buzzfeed is a very popular site. large little because of these lists. the buzzfeed lists. they come up with crazy lists. 25 truths harry potter taught you about friendship. and 19 ways to know you're not the youngest person at the bar anymore. they're silly but you have to click on them and click through every one of them. buzzfeed has been around for awhile and coming up with ideas for the lists isn't easy. to help them out, i had our research and development team

build something to help speed up the list-making process. and ladies and gentlemen, i give you now, the buzzfeed bingo machine. here it is. now -- [ applause ] this cost us more than $3 million to develop. each one of these bingo hoppers is filled with ping-pong balls. each ball has a sentence fragment on it that hopefully will all fit together to make a buzzfeed-style list topic. we have a buzzfeed representative standing by. erin la rosa is with us. what is your title? >> i'm an editor. >> jimmy: this is perfect. you make the lists? >> i make all of the lists. >> jimmy: you're going to love this. i hope this doesn't put you out of work. but somebody is going to have to spin the thing, so -- here we go. first ball says -- 7 cloud formations. >> okay. >> jimmy: next ball says -- ben

affleck's dermatologist. >> yep. okay. >> jimmy: are we off to a good start, erin? >> i can make something with this, maybe. >> jimmy: okay. takes to prom. >> okay, yep. >> jimmy: in the checkout line at chic o's. that's going to be a tough one. >> going to be tough. >> jimmy: let's try it again. you get the idea, though, okay? all right, here we go. okay. five classic novels. >> great. >> jimmy: i think we've already lost most of the audience. [ laughter ] okay. liam neeson. the audience is back. [ applause ] >> okay. >> jimmy: bathes in. >> yep. >> jimmy: before your col colonoscopy.

[ applause ] >> jimmy: that's going to be hard, though. >> i think that might be a winner. >> jimmy: let's try one more and then you can choose between the two, okay? >> all right. >> jimmy: here we go. all right. first thing says. 11 exotic zoo animals. all right, that's a good start. >> we like that. >> jimmy: okay. people like animals on the internet. >> people love them. >> jimmy: will smith. we're off to a good start. >> yep. >> jimmy: should be arrested r for. [ applause ] at church camp. [ applause ] can you -- either one of those work for you? try one more? >> jimmy: if you want to try one more, i'm game. >> jimmy: let's try one more. >> this is fun. >> jimmy: okay, all right. i'll get a good one if it kills me. four government jobs.

>> yes. >> jimmy: every congressman. >> hey. >> jimmy: can't swallow. [ laughter ] outside coachella. work with that? all right, so, i let you choose and you're going to go back to headquarters and make a list and it will be on buzzfeed later tonight? >> i'm going to be writing it up right now. >> jimmy: erin la rosa, everybody. one of the little wakes we help up waste time at work. tonight on the show, we have music from bob seger. cristela alonzo is here. and we'll be right back with adam carolla.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

takeand . . . exhale. . . . . aflac! and a gentle wavelike motion... ahhh- ahhhhhh. liberate your spine... ahhh-ahhhhhh......aflac! and reach, toes blossoming... not that great at yoga. yeah, but when i slipped a disk he paid my claim in just four days. ahh! four days? yep. see why speed matters at aflac.com. [sfx] duck snoring

i'm just day-dreaming. about your dream trip to italy? yeah. with your sisters, to shop and see the sights. is it that obvious? you've been staring at that new instant game from the pennsylvania lottery. yeah, it's the new frankenbucks. with 10 top prizes of $50,000. is that painting crooked, or is it just me? [announcer] want to see your dreams come to life? you could scratch your way to instant winning. the pennsylvania lottery. bring your dreams to life. ( siren wails ) ( pop music playing ) ♪ when you're ready ♪ ready, ready, ready ♪ come and get it ♪ get it, get it ♪ when you're ready, come and get it ♪ ♪ na na na na ♪ na na na na na na na ♪

♪ when you're ready, come and get it ♪ ♪ na na na na... female announcer: it's a great big world and it can all be yours. here and only here. ♪ come and get it. >> jimmy: well, hello again. tonight on the program, she is

the star of the new show called "cristela" which you can enjoy friday nights here on abc, cristela alonzo is here. and then, a legendary man of music. his new album is called "ride out." it just came out today. bob seger from the at&t outdoor stage. how good is that? and look at that, he put a chimpanzee on the back of his album. tomorrow night, selena gomez will be here, chris o'dowd will join us. we'll have music from kasabian. and on thursday, edward norton, portia de rossi and music from you and me. so join us for those shows, too. our first guest tonight is an author, tv host, director, actor and podcaster extraordinaire but deep down, he is, and always will be, a carpenter. like jesus, but not like jesus at all. season two of his show "catch a contractor" airs on spike tv sunday nights at 10:00. please say hello to adam carolla. [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: welcome, adam. >> great to be back, james. >> jimmy: good to see you. you know that suit's about three sizes too big on you, right? stand up for one second so i can give you -- mark some things off and tailor them? it's like a suit for a fat man. [ laughter ] and you're not a fat man. >> well -- you never know, first after, the night is young. may be some nachos in my future. can i sit now, jimmy? >> jimmy: you can. >> you with your pictures of oprah in my dressing room. you with your finely tailored suits and your manufactured pushed cuticles and your -- [ laughter ] david crosby donated the sperm, by the way, for his child. i don't note if you know that. he's gone so hollywood on us.

>> jimmy: i'm glad to see the towel is still with you. that's always a nice touch. >> it's my thing. >> jimmy: it is your thing. >> samuel l. jackson's got the hat. steven hawking's got the chair. this is my thing. >> jimmy: it's because you work so hard that sometimes you actually begin sweating during a segment like this. >> i do. i give. i come out here, i give 110% for you people. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's a pleasure to see you and the towel and the whole thick. i saw you at, like, a week and a half ago. >> let me tell you what's nice about this suit, jimmy. >> jimmy: yes. please tell us. >> i have a boner right now and nobody can tell. you get a little wood going, you're all over tmz. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you have so many things going on right now. you got the podcast that you do every day. >> sure. >> jimmy: including weekends. >> sure. >> jimmy: you got your own brand of alcohol. you're the defendant in a number of law suits, i read about it all the time. >> yes. >> jimmy: and yet, you are still

coming up with new things, aren't you? >> well, i am. and i know you don't think computers are my thing, but i got some apps. born from necessity, i travel the country with dr. drew for a number of years, and i heard him talk to his crazy wife in the back of the town car on the cell phone and let me just give you ladies a tip. when the guy gets to the 159th, will do, he wants off the phone. you understand? i watched dr. drew circumnavigate the globe telling his crazy wife, will do, will do, we're going to the airport, all right, we're getting out of the airport now, will do. and i just came up with this great app, which is similarly this. the third time you say will do, in a 20-second period, the phone cuts off. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: not a bad idea. [ applause ] >> you know when your mom calls, jimmy. talk about her meat pie, she's

bringing over for thanksgiving. will do, mom. >> jimmy: what will you call the app? >> will do. >> jimmy: will do. >> i don't know what else to call it. and now -- it will be a nice static charge and then they won't be able to phone you for two days. it will be awesome. but if you are talking to your wife, you go, all right, will do, will do -- what about a wall? then you hold off, you know? don't drop that third will do. >> jimmy: i see. i see. it's flexible. >> three will dos before it cuts off. >> jimmy: i want to ask you about "catch a contractor." you get hold of these guys that take their customers for a ride. so many of them are -- criminals, i think, is a good way of putting it. and you yourself were, at time, a criminal contractor, as well, yes? >> well, yeah, i -- i mean, if you want to -- again -- [ laughter ] what are you going to do with cristela, hit her over the head

with a folding chair? is this how it works? >> jimmy: she'll be fine. >> is this how you treat all your guests? pictures of you and robert downie jr. looking pretty damn chummy back there. >> jimmy: tell us the story -- i know the story, tell the audience the story about when you worked at the closet company. >> i worked for a closet company called abc closets. always better closets. and i installed closets with born again gang bangers, which is a thrill. [ laughter ] guys who, you know, swore off stabbing for the foreseeable feature, but you never know with that screwdriver in their hand whether they're in a stabbing mood again, you know what i mean? i feel like once you've stabbed a couple of schoolteachers, you know, it makes it easier -- >> jimmy: you get a feel for it. >> you get a taste for it. i was told by my boss to install a closet alone in a house, i looked at the address, i looked at the street name, and i said to him, this is my street.

this is my street. i know exactly where is this. he said, fine, get in the van, here's the invoice, take off. well, my brain is pretty feeble, and what i didn't know at the time is that i grew up on one street and then i moved to a crappy apartment one street over. so, when i said, this is my street, somewhere in the drive to north hollywood to what i thought was my street, i was off by one street. the house was on the street i grew up on and that was one street over from the apartment i was living on, but i just looked at the address. you know me, i'm not -- >> jimmy: details. >> yeah, i don't like other people's ideas in my head, even if they're street names. so, i walk up to -- you can walk into anybody's house in you have a tool belt on and you walk with enough purpose. and i just walk -- i just walked up, banged on the door. a spanish maid opened the door. chef was holding a young child. and i said, out of the way, sweetie, i got a closet to

install. and she did, ay, you know, and backed up a little bit and i march right for the master bedroom. and then i got to the master bedroom and i open the closet doors and i went -- we tell these guys to clean out their closets in advance. we always tell them, clean it out in advance. if you don't, you're going to get punished. now you're getting punished. i took all the gowns and robes and everything, i'm throwing them onto the bed and the shoe boxes, i took everything and i threw it on top of the bed. then i demoed out the existing closet, then i installed the closet. i was told to install, all the houses in the valley are kind of cookie cutter and about the same. there's only one street over, to the closet basically fit, or at least i made it fit. [ laughter ] and then i went to the bathroom and installed a bathrobe hook. i remember that clearly. three chrome bathrobe hooks. i would have left, but the boss said, you have to be paid. give them the invoice and get

the check. when i was done, i went to the spanish maid, still clinging to the child and i said, dinero. i need to get paid. and she said, no! no! and i said, no, look, right here, i need to get paid. and she said, no, no. and i was pointing at the invoice and pointing at the address. at a certain point, she held up the address to me, pointed -- can i say this? jimmy, tell mel if you're with me on this. the worst part of life is that moment of discovery. [ laughter ] it's not before it. before it, you're 1,000% right. listen, sweetie, you speak english? i need dinero, you understand, this is america, we get paid here, okay? let's go. afterward, i was in full panic mode. that was my moment and i gave the -- i looked up and she looked at me and she grabbed

onto the child and i panicked and she panicked and she started running for what i assume is a phone and i started running for the van to get the cordless screw gun to put it on reverse, back out every single screw i just plunged into her wall. i backed everything out, i threw everything under my arms, i was running, she was dialing the phone and screaming into the phone. i threw everything in the van, like the grinch going down to whoville. [ laughter ] picking little connie who's last piece of figgy pudding up the chimney. i ran back and i got the bathrobe hooks in the bathroom. i backed that out. i got everything. i didn't spackle over the holes or anything. >> jimmy: no. >> i threw it all in the van and took off like a coward. >> jimmy: those are exactly the kind of people adam will be apprehending on his show.

sunday nights at 10:00 on spike tv. adam carolla, everybody. we'll be right back with cristela alonzo. when delta bath...g") ...shower... ...toilet... ...and faucet innovations... ...make getting clean... ...just as beautiful as getting dirty, that's... happimess. see what delta can do. have a cuervo. have a sensitive side. just don't have any regrets. cuervo. have a story. the exhilaration of a new engine.

painstakingly engineered without compromise. to be more powerful... and, miraculously, unleash 46 mpg highway. an extravagance reserved for the privileged few. until now. hey josh! new jetta? yeah. introducing lots of new. the new volkswagen jetta tdi clean diesel isn't it time for german engineering? at subway.overs rejoice... where the mangalicious meatball marinara is now a famous $5 footlong. bursting with italian seasonings and our signature marinara sauce, it's a $5 footlong, all october long. ♪ subway. eat fresh.

t-mobthan verizon and at&t. data capacity per customer it's a network that puts data where you need it most. a network designed data strong. in the nation... the safest feature in your car is you. add vanishing deductible from nationwide insurance and get $100 off for every year of safe driving. which for you, shouldn't be a problem. just another way we put members first because we don't have shareholders. join the nation. ♪ nationwide is on your side

>> jimmy: hello. still to come, music from bob seger. our next guest is a very funny comedian who has a new sitcom based on her life, and wisely, she named it after herself. "cristela" airs friday nights at 8:30 here on abc. please say hello to cristela alonzo. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for coming. congratulations on your show, that's exciting. >> thank you.

>> jimmy: in spanish class, i only answered to jimmy. >> really? >> jimmy: si. >> that's impressive. >> jimmy: one of the many other things i learned. your family by lingual, i assume? >> yeah, we're by lingual. >> jimmy: i saw on the show, people are speaking spanish. i know that it is based on your real family. >> my mom never learned how to speak english. >> jimmy: really? >> no. >> jimmy: did you guys translate for her all the time? >> i was actually -- my job was to translate for her and i used to translate movies for her, tv, because back then, you couldn't get a lot of spanish programming stuff. she loved jackie chan. >> jimmy: really? >> my favorite movie as a kid was "cannon ball run." i loved it. the theme song was sung by menudo, and i loved jackie chan and she got addicted to martial arts, so, every time, we would

watch jackie chan. he's kind of hard to understand. he would talk for a minute or two and i would translate, i'm like, he just said he's going to go fight that guy. and my mom's like, that's all he said? i'm like, yeah, yeah. you know, whatever. >> jimmy: it is what he's saying. >> pretty much. i think that's what he's going to do. he's going to fight. >> jimmy: interesting you are translating jackie chan who i think uses a translator some of the time. >> i know. >> jimmy: from chinese into english. >> it's a game of telephone. >> jimmy: si. once again. >> yeah, si. >> jimmy: and, okay, so, your family on whom this show is based, you included, are they happy about this, are they wh e excited? >> my sister thinks the show is about her. >> jimmy: oh. >> the actress we got to play my sister is gorgeous. and when we cast her, my sister was like, you nailed it. [ laughter ] oh, my god. it is like looking in a mirror. she facebooked her.

every time the actress, maria, posts something on social media, my sister is like, yes, we do, that we do that. i can not wait to see what we do on friday nights. you're like my twin. >> jimmy: have they met? >> oh, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: oh. >> they met at the taping of the pilot and my sister was giving maria lessons on how to be her. >> jimmy: who better to give the lessons? >> we look so good in yellow. remember, we look good in yellow. >> jimmy: we look good in yellow. does your family come out to visit much? >> i flew them out for the pilot taping and they loved hollywood boulevard, like, for them, that was the highlight. they thought l.a. is hollywood boulevard. that was it. so, we took them to the -- i took them to the gift stores and my family went nuts, like, they were -- just on a shopping spree. my family, my nephew's name is serg sergio. he had to buy key chains with the name, like, steve on them.

he was like, close enough. they are buying l.a. stuff and everything. it was ridiculous. we took a picture outside of jimmy kimmel and my brother is determined -- it was the first time in l.a. and my brother wants to be part of my entourage now, but he calls himself the brown-tourage. and he calls himself the turtle, because he's in love with "entourage." >> jimmy: the actual show. >> yeah, yeah, the show. he wants me to, like, buy a big house and have us live there in a -- like the guys from "entourage." >> jimmy: are you planning on that? >> i'm mexican. it's required. [ applause ] >> jimmy: it's really kind of like, it's like a can't win situation, i mean, if the show goes great, you buy a huge house, but your whole family moves into it with you. >> i know, we're here, pow, pow. >> jimmy: on the show, your character is a big dallas cowboys fan.

>> die hard cowboys fan. >> jimmy: are you an actual -- >> die hard cowboys fan. the game this weekend, we were against the seahawks, i'm superstitio superstitious. we were doing great, second half, third quarter, we started kind of slipping. i went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. demarco murray scored, so, it was good luck charm. so, i had to hold myself hostage in the kitchen for the second half of the game. >> jimmy: i do that. >> i knew if i went into the living room, we were going to lose. we can't dot that. >> jimmy: then it's your fault. >> i hear the tv and it's like, who intercepted? you know, like, and i just kept thinking, if i go in the living room, i'm it. i'm part of the team. and then -- >> jimmy: for the rest of the season now, do you have to watch from the kitchen? >> yeah, that's what i think. >> jimmy: with a glass of water in your hand? >> somebody told me the other day, are you going to add a tv in the kitchen? i'm like, no, because it wasn't in there the day they won. >> jimmy: everything must be exactly the same. >> doesn't it make sense, though? i have to wear the same thing. >> jimmy: i did this.

i was watching a dodgers game, i was completely upside down on the couch. my dad said, dodgers are winning in that position? yes, yes, they are. >> i do that all the time. >> jimmy: it's called being crazy. well, congratulations to you and hope i works out with the family, because this could be a real disaster. but if they all do wind upcoming out, bring them here. >> you don't want that. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> you don't want that. >> jimmy: cristela alonzo, everybody. "cristela" airs friday nights at 8:30 on abc. we'll be right back with bob seger. the award winning guinness master brewers proudly introduce new guinness blonde american lager. deliciously crisp and flavorful,

brewed with mosaic™ and willamette american hops and using centuries old guinness brewing artistry and traditions. the first addition in the new guinness discovery series. discover a new age of brewing excellence for yourself. new guinness blonde american lager weluxurious interior.ts refined, class-leading, or its more than 70 available safety and security features, and optional best-in-class 30 highway mpg. but we let others sum it up for us. this is the jeep grand cherokee, it is the best of what we're made of. during the jeep celebration event well-qualified lessees can lease the 2014 grand cherokee laredo 4x4 for 359 a month.

ye- yes! we have the new iphone. how- cause everyone's coming in for the new iphone. wh-what... kind of service plan can you get? well right now if you select the 15 gig plan we'll double your data and make it 30 gigs for the same price. well that- great! you'll take it. in head * are you inside my mind right now? nope where was... albuquerque who was the porcupine what is my fave- hollandaise sauce no way... the new iphone is here and now you get 30 gigs of data to share starting at $160 dollars a month. i'm saving a ton of time by posting them to my wall. oh, i like that one. it's so quick! it's just like my car insurance. i saved 15% in just 15 minutes.

i saved more than that in half the time. i unfriend you. that's not how it works. that's not how any of this works. [ male announcer ] 15 minutes for a quote isn't how it works anymore. with esurance, 7 1/2 minutes could save you on car insurance. welcome to the modern world. esurance. backed by allstate. click or call. this collection is close to my heart. it's inspired by the city i love. wto dirty their hands withtrue sendeavour, not speculation. comradeship, essential.

courageous men and women to uphold over 160 years of tradition. to celebrate the most awarded blended scotch in history. this is true scotch. join us. hi. sorry, we're closed. what? i need help with my deposit. the bank has rules. it's really quick. i can't hear you. i promise, i'm gonna be really quick. i don't under...i can't hear you through the glass. i'll...be...quick! you'll be quick. that's what you just said? yes.

i'm sorry, i can't hear you. we're closed. you know what? okay, that's... hey...sir? i just...okay. [ male announcer ] it's time to bank human again. that's why td bank has the longest hours and even stays open an extra ten minutes for when you run late. td bank. america's most convenient bank. the setting is perfect. you know what? plenty of guys have this issue, not just getting an erection, but keeping it. well, viagra helps guys with ed get and keep an erection.

and you only take it when you need it. good to know, right? if ed is stopping what you started... ask you doctor about viagra. [ male announcer ] ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex. do not take viagra if you take nitrates for chest pain; it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure. side effects include headache, flushing, upset stomach and abnormal vision. to avoid long-term injury, seek immediate medical help for an erection lasting more than four hours. stop taking viagra and call your doctor right away if you experience a sudden decrease or loss in vision or hearing. ask your doctor if viagra is right for you. by perfecting the recipe for the world's #1 bourbon. now, we've infused it

with real honey. so come springtime, don't get between these guys and that barrel. jim beam® honey. and also try jim beam® maple.

to help entertain some friends at the beach. before earning 1% cash back everywhere, every time. and 2% back at the grocery store. even before he got 3% back on gas. all with no hoops to jump through. rafael was inspired to use his bankamericard cash rewards credit card to spend a night watching the stars, under the stars. that's the beauty of rewarding connections. apply online or at a bank of america near you.

there it is... this is where i met your grandpa. right under this tree. ♪ (man) some things are worth holding onto.

they're hugging the tree. (man) that's why we got a subaru. or was it that tree? (man) introducing the all-new subaru outback. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. >> jimmy: this is his newal but. it's called "ride out." it just came out today. here with the song "detroit made," bob seger! ♪ ♪ got me a deuce and a quarter, babe she will ride you right ♪ ♪ pick you up 'bout half past nine we can ride all night ♪

♪ came up from the country, baby city's where i stay got me a deuce and ♪ ♪ a quarter, babe that's all i got to say ♪ ♪ she's a detroit made deuce and a quarter, babe she's a detroit made deuce and a quarter, babe ♪ ♪ big block, she'll do all the work so we can ride in style leather ♪ ♪ on those bucket seats carpet, double pile ♪ ♪ chrome that takes the moonlight on sea to shining sea ♪ ♪ you can hear those glass packs rumble to the statue of liberty ♪ ♪ she's a detroit made deuce and a quarter, babe she's a detroit made deuce and a quarter, babe ♪

♪ ♪ now, when i first got outta high school i drove an old farm truck ♪ ♪ all the girls they walk right by me didn't even say good luck ♪ ♪ now, i ride my 225 they all wanna be my friend i'll pick you up ♪ ♪ later tonight now, baby if you can wait 'til then ♪ ♪ she's a detroit made deuce and a quarter, babe she's a detroit made deuce and a quarter, babe ♪ ♪ she's a detroit made deuce and a quarter, babe she's a detroit made deuce and a quarter, babe ♪

♪ ♪ just about every cat i know wants him a coupe de ville i pay half the price ♪ ♪ and get twice as nice and they still have to pay that bill ♪ ♪ now, i can't say everything's ok ridin' in my car but i got me a deuce ♪ ♪ and a quarter babe she goes like a shootin' star she's a detroit made ♪ ♪ deuce and a quarter, babe she's a detroit made deuce and a quarter, babe ♪

♪ detroit made ♪ deuce and a quarter, babe she's a detroit made deuce and a quarter, babe ♪ ♪ ah! come on!

let's hide in the attic. no. in the basement. why can't we just get in the running car? are you crazy? let's hide behind the chainsaws. smart. yeah. ok. if you're in a horror movie, you make poor decisions. it's what you do. this was a good idea. shhhh. be quiet. i'm being quiet. you're breathing on me! if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. head for the cemetery!

>> i want to thank adam carolla, cristela alonzo, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next, but first, his new album is called "ride out." here with the song "hollywood nights," once again, bob seger! ♪

♪ ♪ she stood there bright as the sun on that california coast he was a midwestern ♪ ♪ boy on his own she looked at him with those soft eyes so innocent and blue ♪ ♪ he knew right then he was too far from home too far ♪ ♪ too far from home she took his hand and she led him along that golden beach ♪ ♪ they watched the waves

tumble over the sand ♪ ♪ they drove for miles and miles up those twisting turning roads ♪ ♪ higher and higher and higher they climbed they climbed ♪ ♪ and those hollywood nights in those hollywood hills ♪ ♪ she was looking so right in her diamonds and frills ♪ ♪ all those big city nights in those high rolling hills above all the lights she had all of the skills ♪ ♪

♪ he'd headed west 'cause he felt that a change would do him good ♪ ♪ see some old friends good for the soul she had been born with ♪ ♪ a face that would her get her way ♪ ♪ he saw that face and he lost all control all control ♪ ♪ lost all control night after night day after day it went on and on ♪ ♪ then came that morning he woke up alone he spent all night staring down at the ♪ ♪ lights of l.a.

wondering if he could ever go home ♪ ♪ and those hollywood nights in those hollywood hills it ♪ ♪ was looking so right it was giving him chills ♪ ♪ in those big city nights in those high rolling hills above all the lights with a passion that kills ♪ ♪ in those hollywood nights in those hollywood hills ♪ ♪ she was looking so right ♪ in her diamonds and frills ♪ all those big city nights in those high rolling hills above all the lights she had all of the skills ♪ ♪ hollywood nights

hollywood hills above all the lights hollywood nights ♪ ♪ hollywood nights hollywood hills above all the lights hollywood nights ♪ ♪ hollywood nights hollywood hills above all the lights hollywood nights ♪ ♪ hollywood nights hollywood hills above all the lights hollywood nights ♪

this is a special edition of "nightline." >> tonight, americans are coming here for more than just the beautiful beaches. up to a million children a year, sold into sexual slavery in places like this seaside latin america paradise. tonight, the unusual group of americans on a dangerous rescue mission. they include a former cia agent. >> smell plenty of beer on me. >> a door to door salesman. even a hollywood actress made famous on "the walking dead." to bring down the alleged sex traffickers in this massive undercover operation, they need to catch them red handed first. >> what called the cops, man? >> and the stakes in this sting couldn't be higher for both the girls and their rescuers.