tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC May 3, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
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>> jimmy: i'll tell you something. i had an interesting night last night. social media is kind of terrible and kind of great. because in the old days, they had to mail a letter, get a stamp, go to the mail box and find a phone number for the network and call and leave a message nobody would listen to. but now they can go online and tweeterer the rage directly at me. so, last night i talked about climate change, specifically that big dumby, sarah palin who likes to tell people it's a hoax. i got a bunch of scientists together and they have work to do. many responded. and this is a sampling of some of the warm sentiments i received. it might seem like i only pick comments from people whose grammar is bad, but the truth is the vast majority of the negative comments came from
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people whose grammar is bad. these are from facebook, mr. [ laughter] [ applause ] >> there's a lot of them. he is right about the scientist lying through their teeth. you shouldn't do that. your teeth are your best friends of your mouth, folks. thank you, facebook friends. these are comments from youtube. this is about me. this character is as dopey as that muronnic look beard,
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apparently, although i think the beard is smarter than he is. global warming, ha, give me a break. look that north and south poles. seems pretty cold to me. pipy pipy. well, in fairness, einstein was a theoretical physicist, your honor youtube handle is naughty stuff. there's a little bit of difference. after reading all of this, i'm now kind of okay with global warming wiping out the human race. it turns out we deserve it. [ applause ] the indiana primary was today and we're this much closer to having a president that starts
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twitter fights with cher. this wooeeek, trump had a big w. indiana is a basketball state. he's worried that if he spent too much time there, people might try to grab his orange head and try to dribble it. trump now leads ted cruz by 42 points, which is too many points. ted cruz is like the college roommate who wouldn't leave when your girlfriend came over because maybe he secretly wanted you to do it in front of him but he did do last minute campaigning in bloomington where he ran into very enthusiastic supporters. >> can i shake your hand? >> you look like a fish monster and you're ea terrible -- is anybody else starting to feel bad for ted cruz?
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poor guy probably wants to lock himself up in a transgender bal bathroom and never come out. and trump is trying to spread the tabloid story that ted cruz's dad is somehow involved in the assassination of jfk. watch the hosts. >> he was with oswald, prior to ald walled being shot and nobody even brings it up. that was reported and nobody talks about it but i think it's horrible. i think it's absolutely horrible. >> just when you think it can't get any crazier. the story was published in the national inquirer but they claim to have a photograph of ted's father with lee harvey oswald three months before jfk was killed. this is the photo.
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he's right next to forest gump. i did some of my own research and this is raphael cruz back in the '60s and while i'm pretty sure he didn't have anything to do with the assassination of jfk, he does look like a james bond villain from the sean connery eras. he actually had a press conference to announce that his father did not kill jfk. >> don donald trump alleged tha dad was involved in the assassination of jfk. let's be clear. this is nuts. this is not a reasonable position. it's just cookie. >> it is the best though. it really is great. [ applause ] >> jimmy: finally. we have a good show tonight. adam carolla is here tonight.
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"sing street." . music from the avett brothers, lucy boynton is here. they kept giving me very bad streets. i thought i was a celebrity, guys. i want to get to the bottom of this. hey, guys, how's it going? >> fellas, i have something to tell you. it's not easy for us. >> just tell us what you have to tell us. we're all family. >> whatever. >> jimmy: guys. ♪ you're not an avett brother your last name is crawford ♪ >> crawford? >> but we're brothers, right?
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>> oh, yeah. we have the same ears. >> jimmy: guys, this is very heavy. >> we're in a family discussion. please just give us a moment. >> jimmy: yeah. oh, bob, don't be like that. you know, bob -- all right, we'll see you later guys, okay. [ applause ] so, the avett brothers are here. in part to help celebrate national concert day today. it's national concert day and also national teacher appreciation day. so, the folks at live nation sent us 900 pairs of tickets and we're giving them to deserving teachers and staff at various schools in the area to thank them for -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: -- for teaching our horrible monsters to read. last night at the metropolitan museum of art in new york, they had the annual met gala. this is a super duper a-list
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fashion event. a table costs $275,000. and that table stays at the thing and people wear outfits that are absolutely insane. kim and kanye were there, wearing this. let's get a closer look at kanye because he went as the little girl from "game of thrones." william went as will i am unable to see anything. that could be bill cosby for all we know. dianne vaughan firstenbering was the discount bin at hobby lobby. solange knolls came over after a taping of sesame street. this is what madonna is planning to wear in the future, i guess. which seems fine until she turned around and you see that she's missing the -- and remember she has four kids.
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can you imagine your mom leaving the house like that? you know what, on sunday we're not going to brunch, mom. sunday is mother's day and if you haven't found the perfect gift yet, this is inspired by a very popular show on hbo and i believe it's the kind of thing your mother will absolutely love. >> this mother's day reward the woman who's giving you everything with the only thing she really wants, the "game of thrones" necklace. make her feel young enough to forget she ever had you. for just 399.99 and a vile of your first born's blood, you can own this forged by the god of light. the night is dark and full of tearers. >> oh. [ applause ]
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>> jimmy: when we come back, we're going to ask people on the street a very personal question. we're going to ask if they've ever made love in a moving car. this is a good one. so stick around. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ life is a sport. we are the utility. the new ford escape. howto choose one?sed simple. you don't. at red lobster's create your own seafood trios, you get to pick 3 of 9 all-new creations for just $15.99.
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the executive director of the canadian automated vehicle center of excellence. real thing. is warning that self-driving cars could lead to more people having sex in the car while it's moving which could lead to more accidents and fatalities. worried people would try to join the two-foot high club. the thing about humans is there's no technology we can't have sex in. my expert theory is any place where two people can be alone together they're going to have sex. same thing with elevators. and sex while driving is a dangerous thing. so, we went out on the street and asked have you ever had sex in a moving car? we're going to see a couple introduce themselves and we're going to guess if they've had sex in a moving car before. let's begin. >> i'm kelly and this is randy
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and we're from missouri. >> have you ever had sex in a moving car? >> jimmy: she does have a rat tail. have kelly and randy had sex in a moving car? you guys decide. most say yes. there are some noes. let's find out. >> um, well, yes. >> yes. >> we didn't have an accident. >> i was driving. >> my kids might watch this. >> jimmy: maybe just tell them never to watch tv ever again just to be safe. next up. >> erick and kelly from chino. >> okay. have you ever had sex in a moving car? >> jimmy: what about erick and kelly from chino? they're from chino. all right. >> moving car, no. >> no. >> parked car? >> parked car, yes, moving car,
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no. >> can you explain what happened in the parked car. >> you park and you go on and have sex. [ applause ] >> jimmy: it's a two-step process. it's really simple. the guy with a microphone is a virgin. >> ed. >> and have you ever had sex in a moving car? >> jimmy: well, i don't know -- [ applause ] ha-ha. i don't know how it would even work but let's find out. >> no. >> in the trunk of a car but not while it was moving. a moving truck, yes. a ford ranger. >> in the trunk? >> in the trunk and in the passenger seat of a ford ranger while it was driving down the freeway. very short girlfriend at the time. >> jimmy: sadly his current girlfriend will never know the many treasures of trunk sex. >> have you ever had sex in a
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moving car? >> jimmy: right off athe bat, ray's alone. so, what about ray? that's two yeses and 150 noes. >> moving car, never. >> no? >> no. >> parked car? >> yeah. but not for sex. like just part of sex. >> jimmy: i don't know which part but all right. next up. >> i'm from arizona. >> i'm richard from tucson, arizo arizona. >> and have you ever had sex in a moving car? >> jimmy: wow, everyone says yes. the answer is. >> yes. >> yes. not together. >> jimmy: i think they get half credit for that. >> carry. >> greg. >> we're from arizona.
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mesa. >> and have you ever had sex in a moving car? >> jimmy: all right. greg and carry from mesa, arizona. have they had sex in a moving car? all right, more no's than yes. but this is why you don't judge. let's see what they say. >> no. >> yes. it was just a spur of the moment thing. >> have you ever done spur of the moment things? >> yes. >> of course. >> like what? >> like taking this stupid survey. >> jimmy: i think that is the end of the marriage. that's a long drive home. we have a great show for you tonight. we have music from the avett brothers. lucy boynton is here. adam carolla. so, stick around.
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♪ whenever i'm around you ♪ i go home a little bit ♪ there's just something about you ♪ ♪ where the pieces all fit ♪ there's a lightness that surrounds you ♪ ♪ and it guides me like a star ♪ ♪ oh i am, who i am ♪ because you are, who you are ♪ i smbut ended up nowhere.a lot now i use this. the nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release technology helps prevent the urge to smoke all day. i want this time to be my last time. that's why i choose nicoderm cq. roomba navigates your entire home just press clean and let roomba help with your everyday messes.
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cleaning up pet hair and debris for up to 2 hours. which means your floors are always clean. you and roomba from irobot®. better together™. >> jimmy: i am going to say you have the shineiest head i've ever seen. so, when it comes to personal hygiene, i think he's doing very well. pet moments are beautiful,
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unless you have allergies. then your eyes may see it differently. flonase is the first and only nasal spray approved to relieve both itchy, watery eyes and congestion. no other nasal allergy spray can say that. when we breathe in allergens our bodies react by over producing six key inflammatory substances that cause our symptoms. most allergy pills only control one substance. flonase controls six. and six is greater than one. more complete allergy relief. flonase. 6>1 changes everything. >> jimmy: tonight from the new movie "sing street" lucy boynton
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is here. that is a good movie. that's a good movie to take your mom to. then their new album comes out june 24th it's called "true sadness" the avett brothers from the samsung outdoor stage. [ applause ] tomorrow night from "modern family" julie bowen, wyatt russell, and music from florida georgia line. and thursday rob lowe, chloe bennet and music from bebe rexha. so, please join us then. our first guest wears many hats atop his unnaturally curly hair our first guest wears many hats atop his unnaturally curly hair he's an author, actor, director, bootlegger and podcaster extraordinaire listen to "the adam carolla show" every day on the podcast one network, please welcome adam carolla. [ applause ]
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>> jimmy: you know, you wear the towel out every time and i forget you're going to wear it and then you wear it. that suit does not even come close to fitting you. it's like from the steve harvey collection or something. do you even bother to get it ta tailored? you could gain 40 pounds and still wear that suit. >> well, let's start. let's get going. listen, i've been married between 11 and 15 years. what do i care? what do we care for, guys? you're lucky i'm not wearing cut off sweats and half a boner. why do we try? i'm waiting to die, jimmy, i'm not trying to get laid. >> jimmy: i understand. i don't know if you just heard, ted cruz just dropped out of the race after the monologue. no courtesy at all.
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>> y you were on the celebrity apprentice. >> i was there and i met trump up and close and personal. everybody's like, what is he really like? i always tell people this. got to picture don king but with crazier hair and a broken moral compass. and by the way, when i say the hair, i mean the hair is alive. i mean, it's got lungs. you got to see it in real life. if you've ever seen underwater footage of a kelp bed and tides going in, tides going out. that's what's going on. you got to see them in person. >> jimmy: i want to talk about your hair because i was listening to your podcast and i contacted my sources and wait to talk to you on the air about this. you have, as of january, and
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correct me if any of this is wrong, you've stopped showering? >> yes. >> jimmy: you're not showering anymore? >> yes. >> jimmy: you don't go in the shower to get clean? anymore? >> i just had this thought -- yeah. my wife can eliminate it as one of the potential spots i masturbate, if you really do the math because i may go four months without showering but i'm not going -- well, anyway. i started remodeling my kitchen. i tore down the ceiling i got covered in rat crap and probably asbestos. the reason i'm strong, the way i am, daufl lundgren strong is
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because i expose myself. i'm not all with the handshaking and -- oh, my god. no, don't get near me, i feel something coming on. no, but these guys have three stages. they have i'm sick, i just got over sickness or i feel something coming on and then they just cycle back to their next stage. i never get sick. i was at the burbank airport. by the way, can somebody get rid of the amelia earhardt statue that they have at the burbank airport. the last thing you see as you're getting on your plane is oh, that's the lesbian, she's never been seen again leaning against a part of the plane that broke off upon impact. why don't we just do the metal detectors like the twin towers. that would instill more confidence in me.
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i walked out on the tarmack. i threw cashus to the pigeon. and the pigeon dropped it and flew away and i walked over and ate the cashew. and that's how i never get sick. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's quite a philosophy. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i just want to point out because -- well, a few weeks after you stopped showering, you got this horrible eye infection. do you think that had anything to do with not bathing? >> you know what, james. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you're like a superstitious native that wants to sacrifice the virgin because the village volcano went off. sure, the timing is dubious but one thing has nothing to do with the other. that is simply a bad case of
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pink eye from a gay trick gone wrong. >> jimmy: might want to do a little shampoo in that eyebrow is all i'm saying. i'm concerned about this and i know you won't listen to me but i consulted somebody, an expert who recorded a message for you. and i know you don't know about this. this is for you. >> adam, here are the problems. first of all, you got to clean off a thousand species of bacterias and other people's germs otherwise, you have dead cell stuff accumulate cause stuff like eye infections and get itching because you're neglecting yourself. diarrhea and the worst of all, means body odor. that's when bacteria feed on the oil and the sweat and you start smelling like a goat and that leads to social isolation. you don't want that.
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shower. >> i didn't know this was going to turn into some sort of hygiene intervention. i almost fell asleep. he should spell his name with three z's. dr. oz, if you are in fact a real doctor. >> speaking of doctors, you and dr. drew are going to be doing a podcast together. i did it for about a decade plus, he did it for 33 years and he was fired. and i want to clarify something because i'm angry, where is my camera? >> they're all over the place but you can use that one right there. >> instead they're all over the place. i'm angry. they said, look, the show ran its course and it ran out of steam and 33 years of dr. drew doing the show is enough and they pulled the plug. here's what happened. he was let go and i'm just saying you put in 33 years and you have one racial tirade at
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the laugh factory, one dui, one bout of domestic abuse, one brush with the law, a second dui and they pull the plug on you like that? and by the way, the whole arson thing, that's an allegation. not proven. soliciting sex with an underaged prostitute not proven and the undercover cop woman was of age. i'm like, what? so, you have a couple of slip ups in 33 years and by the way, i was at that laugh factory set. yeah, out of context, it was pretty rough but most of that material was funny, jimmy and i'm saying you don't ruin a man's career after 33 years when he has a couple of slip ups, is all. who amongst us hasn't had a couple of pops on the way home
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from the company christmas party? >> i didn't know dr. drew did all those things. >> they're charges and allegations and somerumors. nothing proven in court yet. so, i say let him have his job. either way -- >> jimmy: yeah, you gave him a home. and you're doing how many podcasts now? >> 161. >> jimmy: do you ever have time to relax? i know your hobby is working on cars. >> i used to like sports. >> jimmy: you don't likei'm don. first off the dodgers. anyone want to know the dodgers' record 13-13. thank you for not knowing. they're where they were before the season started. it's the boringest sport in the world and i thought the only way the dodgers are getting me back to the ball park, you know they have the kiss cam?
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>> jimmy: yeah. >> i want them to institute the divorce cam. >> jimmy: for? >> a lot of these. [ bleep] insist on proposing that ball park. oh, we got to get on the jumbo tron and bore everyone with our budding love. but seven years later when you get divorced, you have to come back to the stadium -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: you got a lot of good ideas. you really do. you can hear them all on the "adam carolla show" and "the adam and drew show" are on podcast one network, new episodes every weekday. we'll be right back. i have a blog called "daddy doing work", it's funny that i've been in the news for being a dad. windows 10 is great because i need to keep organized. school, grocery shopping.
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[ applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: our next guest is a gifted young actress with an excellent new movie featuring the music of the 80s. "sing street" is in theaters now. please say hello to lucy boynton. [ applause ] ♪ how often do you shower? it's a question i ask all of my guests. >> however the normal amount is. >> jimmy: good, that's good. you won't get eye infections that way. by the way, you really did a
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great job in it. i think charming is the best possible word to describe it. it is very well done and you were really, really great in it. >> i was born in new york and lived there until i was about five and then moved to london. >> jimmy: and do you remember moving? >> i do. i have great memories of new york. my parents were travel writers. >> jimmy: that's a fun job. >> jimmy: is that the rig-- >> is that the right term? >> jimmy: yes. >> i have an american pass port. which is good in this industry. >> jimmy: did you travel all over the world while you were a kid? >> yeah. so lucky to have parents with that kind of job but at that age didn't really make the most of it. >> jimmy: why? >> when you're seven and you're told you're going to tuten
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common's tomb and you have to walk and we would do these amazing cruises and then they would show us the dvd of "death of the nile." >> jimmy: your parents handled this poorly is what happened. you wrote a travel article of your own in the newspaper. how old were you when you wrote this? >> 10. >> jimmy: and you went to disneyland paris. >> it's such a sad picture. give a kid a chance. >> jimmy: you should have been wearing a mickey mouse hat. and the last line of this review is all together we had a wonderful holiday, but if you go, you must know most french people push in and jump pews. [ applause ] i think we'd get in trouble for
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that now. >> a bold 10-year-old. >> jimmy: did your dad write a review? >> i don't know how i was able to do that. >> jimmy: maybe you were an exceptional child i guess. there's a lot of music from the '80s, but what year were you born? >> 1984. >> jimmy: the '80s are like the '50s to you, right? i mean, really, madonna is like elvis to you, right? so, did you know those songs that are in the movie before hand? >> i didn't. my dad has great music taste, so i've always grown up listening to the beatles and i kind of skipped the '80s. >> jimmy: are you insiniating that the '80s isn't the greatest decade? >> it is. >> jimmy: it is. >> and he made us a whole host
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of songs to listen to. >> jimmy: like what songs did he put on the play list? artists should i say? >> talking hesdads. >> hall and oats. >> i love the '80s. >> jimmy: the sound track for the film itself is really great. is that something they're planning to release to be on the radio? >> yes. conor, sung all the original songs. he's depressingly talented, yeah. >> jimmy: was this fun? >> it was so much fun. >> jimmy: dating in the '80s. i didn't really think about it until i was watching it but there's one part of the movie where he's trying to get you on the phone and now that wouldn't be a thing anymore. >> twitter and facebook. we lost the romance and that'ser e the thing that is so great, to
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be available, she has to put herself on the front doorstep. >> jimmy: yeah. because if you just show up on snapchat, it ruins the whole movie. >> not quite as romantic. >> jimmy: things were much better in the '80s. are you aware of the music from hewy lewis and the news? because i'll make you a mixed tape if you like. >> please do. >> jimmy: lucy boynton! "sing street" is in theaters now. when we return we'll go outside for music from the avett brothers.
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brothers! ♪ there ain't no man can't save me there ain't no man can't enslave me ♪ ain't no man - a man that can change the shape my soul is in ♪ there ain't nobody here who can cause me pain or raise my fear cause i got only love to share ♪ ♪ if you're looking for truth i'm proof you'll find it there you got to serve something ♪ ♪ ain't that right i know it gets dark but there's always a light you don't have to buy ♪ ♪ in to get into the club trade your worries you gotta show up if you wanna be seen ♪ ♪ if it matters to you ma it matters to me i'm going to fall hard
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yeah i know i am ♪ ♪ when the crowds crack up i laugh with them there ain't no man can't save me ♪ ♪ there ain't no man can't enslave me ain't no man a man that can change ♪ ♪ the shape my soul is in there ain't nobody here who can cause me pain or raise my fear ♪ ♪ 'cause i got only love to share if you're looking for truth i'm proof ♪ ♪ you'll find it there you say you look funny i say you're a star i say you're whatever ♪ ♪ you think you are watch the naysayers fall right in line if we believe ♪ ♪ that they'll say she is so pretty he is so fine [ applause ] there ain't no man ♪ ♪ can't save me there ain't no man can't enslave me
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there ain't no man ♪ ♪ a man that can change the shape my soul is in there ain't nobody here who can cause me pain ♪ ♪ or raise my fear 'cause i got only love to share if you're looking ♪ ♪ for truth i'm proof you'll find it there you got to go somewhere ain't that true ♪ ♪ not a whole lotta time for me or you got a whole lotta reasons to be mad ♪ ♪ let's not pick one i live in a room at the top of the stairs i got my windows wide ♪ ♪ open and nobody cares and i got no choice but to get right up when the sun comes through ♪ ♪ there ain't no man can't save me there ain't no man can't enslave me ♪ ♪ there ain't no man a man that can change the shape my soul is in that can change the shape ♪ ♪ my soul is in there ain't nobody here
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♪ you were a friend to me when my wheels were off the track and though you say there ♪ ♪ is no need i intend to pay you back when my mind was turning loose and all my thoughts ♪ ♪ were turning black you shined a light on me and i intend to pay you back but i still wake up ♪ ♪ shaken by dreams and i hate to say it but the way it seems is that no one is fine ♪ ♪ take the time to peel a few layers and you will find true sadness ♪ ♪ when i was a child
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this is "nightline". >> breaking news, as trump takes indiana, thumping cruz who bows out of the race. >> we are suspending our campaign. >> the donald almost certain to capture which democratic nominee and a projected surprised win for bernie sanders. on the ground during the final moments of a an operation to free wild animals held capture for entertainment. more than 30 majestic big cats returning to their natural habitat in the wilds of africa. and watch as these dare devils do the
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