♪ ♪ ♪ from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- bill maher. from "the goldbergs", wendi mclendon-covey. jeff ross roasts hollywood boulevard. and music from a.f.i. and now, tell your face -- here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. hi, everybody. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. wow. appreciate that. welcome, fellow americans.

this is a big week for our country. we're about 36 hours away from history when donald trump will become president of the united states, unless someone from the future shows up to stop it from happening before it does. [ laughter ] president obama had his final press conference today. maybe the final press conference today. [ laughter ] and then on friday we'll turn our attention to the bigley anticipated inauguration. donald jennifer trump. that's right. [ laughter ] did you know that's the middle name? jennifer. it's exciting. we're two days away stated repeatedly that they want to avoid a circus-like atmosphere at the inauguration. they're saving that for the actual presidency itself. [ laughter ] but they are planning the event. trump says he wrote his own inauguration speech. i guess people are having a hard time believing that, because today he tweeted a picture of

himself writing or pretending to be writing in front of what appears to be vasco de gama's tomb. "writing my inaugural address at the winter white house, mar-a-lago." winter white house is his code for saying, i'm never going to washington, d.c. i will be in florida all the time. this picture is an excellent -- he's miserable. he's not leaning on anything while he's writing. it looks like he sent mike pence out to duane reid to buy him a notep notepad. i imagine the only words on that pad are "ladies and gentlemen, please welcome three doors down," and that's it. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is going to be -- i'm looking forward to it. this is going to be some speech. trump, he doesn't usually write his own speeches. typically either he improvises, wings it, or his senior policy adviser writes the speeches for

him. but he is a good -- you know, he writes all his own tweets, so he can write. [ laughter ] meanwhile, deep trump is raking in the cash. they've already raised more than $100 million for this inauguration. which is a record. by comparison, obama only raised $53 million for his. and they're doing it in an interesting way. the inaugural committee is basically selling meet and greets. if you don't nate between $150,000 and $250,000, you can have dinner with the members of trump's cabinet. $500,000 to $1 million, you get dinner with the vice president. for a donation of $5 million or more, donald trump will let you run the country for a day. [ laughter ] the day of your choice. it could be your birthday -- [ cheers and applause ] if you don't have $100,000 to spend, they're also selling merchandise. this is really on the website. only $25, you can own this handsome pair of official inauguration pint glasses.

if you're a can kind of guy trump has you covered. a six-pack of 45s president beer cozies. for $20, you could be the owner of four red plastic inaugural cups. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] $5 a cup. let's see how much you can buy cups like that for on amazon. yeah. on amazon -- you can get 150 of them for $10.44. see, he really does know how to negotiate. so that is going to be a party. the white house isn't the only institution that's getting ready for donald trump to move in. madame tussauds wax museum has a donald too. they unveiled him this morning on the "today" show. >> without further ado, here is your first look at the new wax figure of president-elect donald trump. >> jimmy: what a right and pleasant likeness.

i bet that's exactly what he looks like when he watches "saturday night live." why did they make him look like something you'd post in a field to chase varmints away? for comparison, this is president obama's wax figure. a smiling, handsome. here he is with the first lady. you know, the american flag. this is the wax figure they made of melania trump. oh, no, wait. that's the real melania trump. [ laughter ] they haven't done hers. i get confused sometimes. the hearings for donald trump's would-be cabinet members are on full swing, they're on c-span. a lot of focus has been on betsy devos, a billionaire from michigan, no experience in education. her family cofounded amway. kids went to private school, the whole thing. the most interesting exchange is when she suggested some schools need to have guns in them to protect kids from grizzly bears.

>> you can't say definitively today that guns shouldn't be in schools? >> well, i will refer back to senator enzi and the school that he was talking about in wyoming. i think probably there, i would imagine that there's probably a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i really wish trump would have walked in the hearing, said "betty, you're fired," then left. if grizzly bears are a problem in our schools, then this betsy devos -- we need to get sarah palin in there, we're talking about grizzly bears. betsy devos would have made a great secretary of education in 1783 when grizzly bears were a

problem. kim jong-un, the leader of north korea, has not been nominated for a cabinet position. yet. he appears to be ill. not kim jong-il. actually ill. he was seen yesterday limping into a shoe factory. you know, the world really has become a tv show. the kim jong-un show is the one with the worst writers because limping into a shoe factory, it's just too -- i have a theory about this illness of his. you know, he's put on weight. his ankles are swollen. he seems to be away from work a lot. i think kim jong-un might be pregnant. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i'll tell you something, i really truly hope dennis rodman does the right thing and marries him this time. [ laughter ] yesterday, i don't know if you saw this expedia yesterday released their annual list of the most annoying airline passengers. for the third time year the most

annoying passenger is the seat kicker. i would have guessed hijackers. but it's the person who kicks. rounding out the top three were inattentive parents who let their kids scream and people who smell. which i agree with all those. but the truth is the most annoying person on the flight is anyone who isn't you, right? it's everyone else. you know what i find annoying, when you have the window seat and the person in the middle seat, you don't know, decides to look out the window for a while. then you have to look out the window too. or pretend to be asleep or something. put those people on the list. i would like to take a moment if i could to take you on a journey to the future. when i am done hosting the show, when i'm old and gray and all of that, my plan is to do endorsements on cable news channels like chuck woolry and tom selleck do. years from now future me is going to rye to sell future you future products. let's travel now together for an offer and a man that i think you will find very attractive.

>> the following is a paid advertisement for precious chains. >> hello, i'm television personality jimmy kimmel. if you're anything like me, your time on the computer is mostly spent forwarding hilarious chain e-mails to your friends and family. but what happens to an e-mail after you send it? some people say it goes to heaven. and while there's no way to know for certain, one thing areas for sure. all those chain e-mails you painstakingly forwarded are gone. don't you wish there was a way to hold on to them forever? well, now there is. with precious chains. precious chains takes every chain e-mail you forwarded over the years and binds them all in a beautiful leather-like tome. now you can relax at home and relive all of your beautiful chain e-mails of the past. like "10 reasons moms should run the country." and the time you proved our president was a secret gay

muslim. he was. precious chains. give yourself something to look forward to. >> to immortalize your precious chains call the number on your screen. >> i'm jimmy kimmel. i'll be dead soon. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have to take a break. when we come back, self-flying cars are on the way. and the roast master general himself, jeff ross, busts chops on hollywood boulevard. so stick around, we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ i'll have that goat cheese garden salad. that gentleman got the last one. sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. can i keep the walnuts? sold. but i get to pick your movie. can i pick the genre? yes, but it has to be a comedy. a little cash back on the side. with the blue cash everyday card from american express, you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. throw.

it's more than cash back. it's backed by the service and security of american express. of bad breath germs% it's more than cash back. for a 100% fresh mouth. feeling 100% means you feel bold enough to... ...assist a magician... ...or dance. listerine®. bring out the bold™ it helps put some distance.. between you and temptation. clinically proven to help reduce hunger between meals.

from metamucil, the #1 doctor recommended brand. ♪ oh the fishes will laugh as they swim out of the path ♪ "when the ship comes in" by the hollies ♪ and the seagulls they'll be smilin ♪ ♪ and the rocks on the sand it's so peaceful out here. yeah. introducing the new turbocharged volkswagen alltrack with 4motion® all-wheel drive. soon to be everywhere.

start your day with the number one choice of dentists. philips sonicare removes significantly more plaque versus oral-b 7000. experience this amazing feel of clean. innovation and you. philips sonicare. save now when you buy philips sonicare. >>psst. hey... where you going? we've got that thing! you know...diarrhea? abdominal pain? but we said we'd be there... woap, who makes the decisions around here? it's me. don't think i'll make it. stomach again...send! if you're living with frequent, unpredictable diarrhea and abdominal pain, you may have irritable bowel syndrome with diarrhea

or ibs-d - a condition that can be really frustrating. talk to your doctor about viberzi. a different way to treat ibs-d. viberzi is a prescription medication you take every day that helps proactively manage both diarrhea and abdominal pain at the same time. so you stay ahead of your symptoms. viberzi can cause new or worsening abdominal pain. do not take viberzi if you have or may have had pancreas or severe liver problems, problems with alcohol abuse, long-lasting or severe constipation, or a blockage of your bowel or gallbladder. if you are taking viberzi, you should not take medicines that cause constipation. the most common side effects of viberzi include constipation, nausea, and abdominal pain. stay ahead of ibs-d... with viberzi. >> jimmy: hi everybody, welcome back to the show. bill maher, wendi mclendon-covey, and music from a.f.i. is on the way.

[ cheers and applause ] first there is something that -- here's something fun that might be available in the near future. airbus, the company that makes jet planes, is working on cars that fly on their own. airbus is planning to test a self-flying car soon, by the end of 2017. they say it will either be the world's first self-flying car or the world's first self-crashing airplane. so this is it. i don't know, they say it's a flying car, looks like a weird helicopter to me. i guess the idea is when traffic is bad, which here would be always, you can just turn the propellers on and fly to walmart or target or wherever you're going. can you imagine? 30,000 cars flying out of dodger stadium all at once? [ laughter ] everyone would be dead. there would be no survivors. the other problem is with flying cars, you don't have an excuse to be late anymore. especially in l.a. you can't say, i got stuck behind a hot air balloon. it just doesn't -- [ laughter ]

if you are here in hollywood, and i know those of you in this room are, from here until -- from friday night until monday, jeff ross is taping his show "roast battle" for comedy central at the old house of blues. so the show's a lot of fun. comedians get on stage and insult each other tournament-style. to get jeff warmed up for it we sent him with a camera crew right outside our studio. here he is, the roast master general, jeff ross, at work. >> thanks, jimmy, and good luck with those pubes on your chin. the roast battles are coming up so i wanted to get my brain in full roast mode by roasting some of your neighbors out here on the street. who wants to get roasted? what's the c stand for? >> captain. >> i thought you were wearing your high school report card on your head. >> something like that. >> great to see you, man. how you doing? here with one of the greats, johnny depp. congratulations, i hear your divorce is official. >> nearly. >> you're finally divorced from

bathing apparently. how are you doing? wow, who are you supposed to be peter sleeps in a parker? >> yeah. >> i boss wondering what happened to courtney love. >> yeah. >> fantastic. how is business today? >> business is -- you know. it's been pretty good. >> my spidey senses tell me you're going to make $4 today. oh. you told me to wake you up when you hit rock bottom! no sense of humor. no shortage of material out here on hollywood boulevard, guys. who wants to get roasted? oh, hi. >> hi. >> how you doing? >> good, how are you? >> i'm jeff. >> alise. >> how are you doing? >> i'm good. >> wow. knock knock. >> who's that? >> your absentee father. surprise! >> i know who my father is. >> you do? you're like a stripper who hates money so you work here. those shorts are shorter than the amount of time you spent in

high school. how are you doing? what are you protesting? >> i'm not protesting, i'm out here working. >> working? why are you dressed like a parking ticket? how do you like the street job? >> the owner saw me at another job and told me to come in. >> he goes, that guy looks like he can hold a sign and wear a day-glo shirt. oh my god, either rick crapton. it's three day weekend. you having a good time, michael? >> what do you mean? having a great time. >> tell your facelift. oh my god. there's kids. run! run! look, it's zach galifa-enough already. what's going on? how's business? >> [ bleep ] going on right now. >> not much going on? are you upset that your parents brad and angelina are getting divorced?

nice to meet you, maddox. you look very lovely today. >> thank you. >> you have blacker roots than ku kuhnta kinta. being able to take a joke is important. >> it's all about smiling and laughing. >> especially with an outfit like that. love you, good luck with the lipstick on your teeth, you're awesome. all right, see you at home. ♪ crack that coffee coffee table ♪ ♪ if you're willing and able ♪ crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack that coffee table ♪ >> wow. thanks, kanye worst. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a good sew tonight. we have music from a.f.i., wendi mclendon-covey is here. and we'll be right back with bill maher.

stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ even when you know where you're going... ♪ it still matters how you get there. ♪ the lexus line of luxury suvs. giving you the power to make your own way. ♪ it's your tv, take it with you. with directv and at&t, stream live tv anywhere data-free. join directv today starting at $35 a month. no extra monthly fees. kids, juicy fruitmmmm with longer-lasting flavor? mmm (zipping) (zipping) (rattling)

longer-lasting juicy fruit. so sweet you can't help but chew and chew. moto. it's time to re-imagine the smart phone. snap on a speaker. a projector. a camera that actually zooms. get excited world. the moto z with motomods. get 50% off on moto z droid.

♪ ♪ with simply right checking from santander bank, just make one deposit, withdrawal, transfer, or payment each month to waive the monthly fee. and there's no minimum balance.

you're alright with simply right checking from santander bank. ♪ are you feeling alright, baby? ♪ from santander bank. hi. can you help me save on my energy bill? old appliances. like a hot water heater? it's around here somewhere. nope. nope. what is this thing? sir, have you looked in the basement? huh. oh, yeah. no wonder. it was hidden behind all of my free weights.

if you're not an expert, peco can help. we have lots of ways to help you save energy and money. peco. the future is on. >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. tonight from "the goldbergs," which is in its

fourth season, wednesday nights here on abc, wendi mcclendon-covey is here. then, this is their new album, it's called "a.f.i. the blood album", music from afi. you can see them live, their tour starts friday at the troubadour here in l.a. tomorrow night priyanka chopra will be with us. and we'll have music from maren morris. and on friday a new show with anthony anderson, ruby rose, and travis scott. if you're a teenager in the united states and you'd like to meet with our executive producer doug delucca, send an e-mail to big greasy doug at gmail.com. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] sorry. some things happened during the commercial break. hey, friday is a very big day for our first guest tonight. it is the season premiere of his show. it's his birthday. and it's inauguration day for president donald trump. i would imagine he's excited about all three. "real time with bill maher" returns to hbo friday night at

10:00 and you can see him live at pope joy hall in albuquerque february 12th. please welcome bill maher! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> nice rendition of the theme song, very nice. we got a new one. >> jimmy: a new song? >> it's been like 13 years. >> jimmy: how involved are you in choosing the new song? >> not at all. >> jimmy: not at all, yeah. >> but they did a hell of a job. >> jimmy: nice, yeah. you can borrow them. they're not busy on friday nights around that time. if you like a band, mine is for rent. there's not much going on. what should we talk about? is there anything? [ laughter ] >> oh, jimmy. >> jimmy: anything come to mind? >> yeah, yeah.

i'm getting donald trump for my birthday. [ laughter ] i keep saying, god, why? then i go, oh, yeah. >> jimmy: that's right. >> the last 25 years i've been making fun of you on tv. " "religulous," you hated that too. >> jimmy: everywhere you go people ask about that. every time people corner you and want to know what you think. >> i don't appear in public, i go in public. only you, you're insecure, you have that backlighting. you're like -- you go into ralph's, you've got a crew. i know how -- >> jimmy: i travel with an applause sign. >> yeah, a glam squad. you know. >> jimmy: people want to know what you think -- >> yeah, that's why i have a show. >> jimmy: it is probably why you have a show. your last show -- >> i was reading about you with this subject today. >> jimmy: what subject?

>> you said that you were like taking people to task, as i think you should, for -- who like would boycott donald trump, and you said, but if he wanted to come on your show, you would have him on. >> jimmy: of course. >> because you said it's important to talk to important people. >> jimmy: yes. >> i would add this. if you are going to have him on, he's a politician. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i know he's actually a game show host from queens. but now he's the president of the united states. so if you're going to have him on, this is everybody, hold his feet to the fire. >> jimmy: you mean literally? >> oh, if you could. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the way you say that. i assume that -- >> yeah, don't let him use you. >> jimmy: i assume that you are assuming he would not do your show? do you think he would ever -- >> it took me eight years and a million dollars -- >> to get obama on the show,

right. but i think you could -- if i was you -- >> you never know. >> jimmy: i'd dare him to do your show. >> exactly, he's that kind of guy. what kind of guy is he? that's the point, we don't know, he's completely unpredictable. eight years to get obama, he could appear on my second show. you don't know what this guy is doing which is why i'm sweating like a whore in church. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he specifically -- >> seriously. >> jimmy: he threatened to sue you. >> threatened? he did sue me. >> jimmy: he took steps -- >> no, he didn't take steps. he sued me. i spent a lot of money to defend this suit. >> jimmy: how much money did you spend? >> a lot of money, lawyers are not cheap. >> jimmy: did you get served with a subpoena? papers? >> i'm a pothead, jimmy, i don't remember thing is like this. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you know i don't do anything like that it's illegal. wait, it's not even illegal.

>> that could all change. >> jimmy: you think so? >> i mean, the new attorney general is jeff sessions. okay. i don't know what this guy -- i mean, he's a crazy right-wing loon like the rest of them in this cabinet from opposite world. thank you, sir. that he appointed. you know. remember, that's what it is. everybody's in charge of a departme department they want to get rid of. >> jimmy: right. true. >> the head of the epa doesn't believe in global warming. trump wants to get rid of the epa and replace the environment with something terrific! [ laughter ] so i don't know, you know. i'm just saying, yes, you may have to go back to a dealer to get your pot. because these nuts could reverse the things -- it's still just state, it's only legal in the states. >> jimmy: is this your number one concern? is this what you're most worried

about? >> obviously. [ cheers and applause ] i didn't think it was. till we started to talk. and then i'm like, boy. talk shows are very revealing, you know? no, it's not my number one concern but i bet you it's their number one concern. >> jimmy: what is your number one concern? >> the environment. i'd like to live here. you know, i was watching this show over the break, "mars," did you see this? >> jimmy: no. >> it's about mars. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: should we move there? what's the plan? >> no is the point. but like it's amazing. i think ron howard, executive produced it, it was a scripted show. they intercut documentary footage of real people who are really working on going to mars. elon musk, the tells la dude, he's got a rocket company, he wants to get there like tomorrow. bezos of amazon, they've got a competition, let's get to mars. mars, we have to become a two

high planet species because we might screw it up here on earth. and with trump, we might. [ laughter ] and i'm like, what the [ bleep ] are you people talking about? there's no air on mars. there's no atmosphere. it's cold. you have to wear a suit. living in these pods? what if the power goes out? you know? and just the idea that we -- i mean, today we found out, 2015, 2016, the hottest year on record. >> jimmy: yeah. >> before that, it was 2015. before that, it was 2014. you see a trend? >> jimmy: i do. >> i mean, we are screwing up this planet. and this is a nice planet to live on. for one thing, we can breathe. >> jimmy: that is a plus. it's a bonus. [ cheers and applause ] that said -- >> i'm into breathing without a

suit. >> jimmy: you have always loved breathing about a suit, that's one of the things i like about you. >> call me a convenience whore. >> jimmy: i think it's very interesting that what has happened now is people don't really seem to examine specific issues anymore. it seems like you root for one team. >> absolutely. >> jimmy: i'd are you're on the right side, you're on the left side, and whatever you're told to support on this side, you support. and vice versa. and it's really kind of terrible. >> well, people are in their media ghettos. that's the problem. >> jimmy: yeah, you watch your shows. >> you watch liberal shows. and first of all, let's not create a false equivalency like both sides are equally wrong. no one is harder on liberals than me, as a liberal. >> jimmy: that's true. >> and i am a liberal. but let's not forget one side got on the short bus to crazytown and it's not my side. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: bill maher is here. his show comes back on friday night on hbo. we'll be right back!

when you're close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment? if you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. with taltz, up to 90% of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. in fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin.

do not use if you are allergic to taltz. before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis. taltz may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. tell your doctor if you are being treated for an infection or have symptoms. or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz. including worsening of symptoms. serious allergic reactions can occur. now's your chance at completely clear skin. just ask your doctor about taltz. now's your chance at completely clear skin. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

crsugar is everywherets sugar shield and crest complete has a sugar shield to protect teeth from sugar found in everyday foods. crest complete. shield your teeth from sugar. so sugar may visit, but it's not sticking around. (jitemize your deductions forou free. you still think it's too hard to move all your stuff over from turbotax? drag and drop. (writer) wow. that was easy. (jon) right? (vo) h&r block more zero lets you file online for free, even if you itemize deductions. (jon vo) get your taxes won. he's got the cash. he's got a condo. he's got a car. he's got a career. but that still doesn't mean he get's you. ♪ time to shine. orbit.

new aveeno®... don't just eat yogurt... wear it. daily moisturizing body yogurt. enriched with the nutrients found in greek yogurt, intensely nourishes skin for 48 hours. aveeno®. naturally beautiful results®. diswith new tastes ofter side, the mediterraneanen recipes that put a fresh spin on traditional italian each is under 600 calories and still 100% delicious come indulge in italy's lighter side at olive garden new girl, huh? yeah, i'm -- i couldn't help but notice you checking out my name your price tool. yeah, this bad boy gives you coverage options based on your budget. -oh -- -oh, not so fast, tadpole. you have to learn to swim first. claire, here's your name your price tool. -oh, thanks, flo. -mm-hmm. jamie, don't forget to clean the fridge when you're done. she seems nice. she seems nice. [ door closes ] she's actually pretty nice. oh. yeah.

♪ oh, it'[car horns]y... ♪ [angry shouting] excuse me! [storm siren] when it comes to buying a house... trulia knows the house is only half of it. and with 34 map overlays like traffic, crime, natural hazards, and more... you can find the right house and the right neighborhood for you. trulia. the house is only half of it. >> jimmy: we're back with bill maher. his show is back on friday night. last time you were on was the day of the election. and then you had, or week of the election.

then you had ten weeks off. that must have been terrible for you. >> it was terrible for me. >> jimmy: yeah. it must give you an idea of what it would be like -- >> the number one secret during a talk show, make the host feel like he's brilliant. >> jimmy: agree with the host. >> you just came up with a thing. yes, it was terrible for me. >> jimmy: it was terrible for you? >> i went to a dark place. i will say that. around the election. no, really. i mean, i was like, boy, vancouver is looking pretty good. >> jimmy: do you know anyone who actually moved to canada? >> no. i mean, and that's not only an empty threat usually, they don't usually do that. they talk about it. and by the way, when they do talk about it, they've cried wolf before. they said, if any republican, oh, i'm going to move to canada. mitt romney! mitt romney was going to make you move to canada? if i could take the million dollars i gave to obama to make sure mitt romney wasn't going to be president, and give it to mitt romney to be president tomorrow, i would. [ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the funny thing is as arrogant americans we assume canada will welcome us with open arms if we decide to move there because we don't like our leader. they're like, you're not coming here. >> they were going to welcome me, i checked. >> jimmy: do you have any real friends who are trump supporters? >> what do you mean by real friends? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm not just talking about acquaintances or people on the show every eight weeks or something like that, but friends. >> every eight weeks? >> jimmy: you know, the rotation. >> i'm here once a year. you have people every eight weeks? >> jimmy: no. [ laughter ] >> i want to get a list of people who are here every eight weeks! those people are never doing my show, i'll tell you something about that. every eight weeks. who's so good? give me a list of people who are so good they could be here every eight weeks. >> i'm not talking about my show, i'm talking about you have certain panelists you know you

can rely on that you go to semi-regularly, yes? is that not true? >> that's why i'm only on once a year? >> jimmy: this is not an insult. what's going on here? [ laughter ] this pot is making you paranoid, what's happening? [ laughter ] >> that does not -- let me finish. unless i eat it. when i eat it. it's such a different thing when you eat it. you know. no one has higher credentials with pot than me. i'm telling you, when they make these edibles that look like gummy bears? that is a terrible idea. >> jimmy: it is the worst idea. >> maybe jeff sessions will leave us with our pot, don't make pot look like other things. i'm reading the fine print. is this cookie -- i can't remember who gave me this -- it looks like a regular cookie. what's the worst that could happen?

cut to me splayed out on the side. >> jimmy: right, right. i want to change the subject for one moment. maybe i'm not changing the subject. >> that's every year. >> jimmy: tradition you have. a show in hawaii. >> sean penn, eddie vedder and me. i don't know why we started taking the three stooges picture. >> jimmy: you pose three stooges style. >> every year. >> jimmy: year after year. there you are. laura concern fidern filled in. >> we get the idea. >> jimmy: it happens every -- people like to see celebrities piled up. it's a thing. you didn't know that? then finally, this is this year. you, eddie vedder and sean penn on top of each other. how do you decide who gets on top? >> i don't know but sean always has that look on his face like he doesn't want to do this picture. >> jimmy: he does seem to be crying. >> i play hawaii -- this is like

six or seven years now we've done this. new year's eve, hon lieu will you. new year's night, maui. when i first started, no one would book you. my agents didn't want it. they said no one goes to shows in hawaii. of course they do. there's people there. auditoriums. so it became kind of a tradition. those two buys are there surfing every year. which is insane. >> jimmy: do you do that? >> of course not. i like living. there's sharks out there. luckily they're soon killed by the radiation coming over from the fukushima thing. >> jimmy: and the global warming. there is an upside. >> you know what's looking good to me? mars. >> jimmy: thars, yeah. bill maher. "real time with bill maher" returns friday at 10:00pm on hbo. thank you, bill. we'll be right back with wendi mclendon-covey. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hi guys, i want to get your opinions on the first - ever chevy cruze hatch...

but more importantly, i wanted to get your opinions. (bark) you wanna check it out? (bark) the cruze has apple carplay compatibility. so when you plug your iphone in, some of your favorite apps show up. (bark) plenty of space for all of mia's friends. or not. gotta go! current qualified lessees can get a sign and drive lease on this first-ever cruze hatchback. plus, find your tag and get an additional $500 lease cash on select chevy vehicles. find new roads at your local chevy dealer.

un poquito mas rapido, no? [instrumental music plays] [wheel squeaking] hasta luego, profesor! [pumping of bike tire] [pumping of hospital ventilator] [wheel squeaking] carlos! carlos! dr. brad needs to see you in room 3. [wheel squeaking] [heart monitor beeping] tell cardio right away i need a... today's the day!

oh look! creepy gloves for my feet. see when i was a kid there was a handle. and a face. this is nice. and does it come in a california king? getting roid rage. hemorrhoid. these are the worst, right? i'm gonna buy them. boom. i'll take them. impulse buy. ommmmmmmmmmm. with the blue cash everyday card from american express you get cash back on purchases. it's all happening. with no annual fee. here we go! it's more than cash back. it's backed by the service and security of american express. it's more than cash back. start your day with the number one choice of dentists. philips sonicare removes significantly more plaque versus oral-b 7000. experience this amazing feel of clean. innovation and you. philips sonicare. save now when you buy philips sonicare. babdo you want any?p. no thanks. i have a salad. there's nothing like a bowl of campbell's chicken noodle soup... and salad. made for real, real life.

i heard superheroes read chucks norris comics.d you. i heard at night, the boogeyman checks under the bed for chuck. i heard cats say they have chuck-like reflexes. do you think he's still got it? i bet you a buck he catches this salt shaker. you're on! hey! chuck! you owe me a buck. you can't always see what's coming but when you choose unitedhealthcare, finding an in-network doctor that's close to home is easy. so what happened? i had lunch with chuck norris. ♪ unitedhealthcare. it's your tv, take it with you. with directv and at&t, stream live tv anywhere data-free. join directv today starting at $35 a month. no extra monthly fees.

>> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back to the show.

still to come, music from afi. our next guest plays the overbearing tv mom to end all overbearing tv moms. watch "the goldbergs" wednesday nights here on abc. please welcome wendi mclendon-covey. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: wendi, i have a weird question for you to begin. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i'm wondering why you spell your name with an "i" instead of "y." is that on your birth certificate? did you change it? >> it is not on my birth certificate. i worked at a jewelry store with three other blond wendy's. >> jimmy: what? >> that was the way we differentiated ourselves. >> jimmy: three? >> one of them was a wendy m.? four wendys in one jewelry store? >> three blond, big-boobed wendy's in a jewelry store.

and i took the "i" position. yes, i put a heart above the "i." >> jimmy: well, you have to. >> because you have to, it's the law. but yeah. that's how that happened. >> jimmy: okay, all right. then you stuck with it. >> i stuck with it. >> jimmy: even after you left the jewelry store. >> yeah, by then i had a mervyn's card, a blockbuster card, i was establishing credit, you know. >> jimmy: what happened to mervyn's? >> what happened to mervyn's? >> jimmy: yeah, mervyn's spelled it with a "y," not an "i." [ laughter ] >> they did, they did. >> jimmy: where else did you work as a youngster? >> as a youngster -- oh, i looked at a rotten hotel near disneyland. >> jimmy: which one? [ laughter ] >> it's not there anymore. it was a ramada. >> jimmy: ramada inn. >> independently owned and operated. it's not the whole chain. it's not the whole chain. but we did a very brisk business in shotgun weddings. >> jimmy: people would get married there? >> well, you know. we knocked out eight rooms to

make a ballroom. so, you know. eight doors, eight air conditioners, it looked like we knocked out eight rooms. but you couldn't beat our prices. >> jimmy: well, sure, yeah. sounds like it. >> you know, your 19-year-old daughter was knocked up and needed a sit-down dipper for the family, you know. >> jimmy: did you put that slogan -- >> and was crowning on the dance floor. you would come to us. then you would get very -- you would get taken care of, yeah. >> jimmy: crowning on the dance flo floor. ♪ crowning on the dance floor >> jimmy: i remember that song. so you grew up in long beach which is not so far from here. >> i did. >> jimmy: because you were in long beach, very close to los angeles, is that why you decided you wanted to be an actor, why you wanted to be on television? >> no, this career really chose me, jimmy. no, i was one of those annoying kids that just had to do something like that. always staging a play or a

puppet show or would interrupt my parents, you know, evenings with their friend to say, i'm giving a lecture on birds or whatever. i was a weird kid. >> jimmy: did your parents like it? >> not really. they didn't love it. but they encouraged it. sort of. because they -- they didn't schedule every minute of my day. so i had a lot of time to use my imagination. >> jimmy: is that a nice way of saying you were a latchkey kid? >> yes. no, i love my parents. i just want to say. dave and carolyn, rock on. >> jimmy: speaking of parents. the character you play on "the goldbergs" is based on a real woman. >> yes. >> jimmy: what is the real woman's name? >> beverly goldberg. >> jimmy: the same name as the show? >> yes. >> jimmy: she's alive? >> she's alive and on twitter. >> jimmy: she's on twitter? right now? >> as goldilocks 405. hi, bev. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: she was, is, probably

still, i don't know, maybe she laid off in later years, a very, very obtrusive woman, yes? >> if by that you mean bossy, yes. >> jimmy: i mean bossy. >> she's got some stuff to say. yes. >> jimmy: did you meet with her before taking this role? did she have to give you her seal of approval? >> i did not. i met with her halfway into the first season. and then she gave me her seal of approval. but she -- i was scared. to meet her. because her son kept saying, my mother is coming to the set. are you okay with that? and i said, well, yeah. whoever wants to come to the set, i'll say hi to. you don't understand, my mother is coming to the set, are you all right with that? yes. third time. why do you not want your mom to come to the set? >> jimmy: right, i would think you would have an idea based on the stories that have been scripted which are -- a lot of

them are from his real life. >> real life, yes. >> jimmy: in fact, this is something that you -- tell us what this is, this item that you brought. >> that's something you want to give to a treasured friend or colleague. it's a pillow case with bev's face on it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is based on a real story. >> well, yeah. how pleasant is that? you're going to roll over in the night and see someone who just wants to take care of you. back in the '80s when our show takes place, kiosks would pop up that would put your name -- not your name, your face, on anything. in this episode, bev had all kinds of things made with her face or her kids' faces and gave them out as gifts. now, did she really go that crazy? in real life? i don't know. but that's what we did. now these are selling like hot cakes. >> these are -- >> you can get them on abc.com, don't be afraid. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: are they actually for sale? >> yeah, they are. that's for you, jim-a-lo, you

can have that. >> jimmy: if you want to drool on wendi, abc.com. do you have these on your bed at home? it seems like you should. >> no, i don't deserve fancy things. >> jimmy: wendi mclendon-covey, everybody. watch "the goldbergs", wednesday nights at 8 here on abc. and we shall return with music from a.f.i. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> jimmy: i'd like to thank bill maher, wendi mclendon-covey, jeff ross and apologize to matt damon we ran out of time. "nightline" is next but first "a.f.i. the blood album" comes out on friday, here with the song "snow cats" a.f.i! ♪ ♪ ♪ am i coy enough not boy enough you wanted me in this dress or nothing else ♪ ♪ you say i am i am not scared enough prepared enough you wanted me in distress ♪

♪ i've nothing left to fear i am i am here i'll wait for you another night ♪ ♪ dressed in himalayan white i'll wait for you some other night dressed in himalayan white ♪ ♪ am i loud too much and proud too much you wanted me in this stance ♪ ♪ or on my back you said i am i am not read enough in bed enough ♪ ♪ i've given up on romance i've nothing left for love

i am i am here ♪ ♪ i'll wait for you another night dressed in himalayan white ♪ ♪ i'll wait for you some other night dressed in himalayan white ♪ ♪ who's to say when the cats are away what they say what they say we won't come back ♪ ♪ who's to say when the cats are away we won't come back what they say ♪ ♪ what they say we won't come back who's to say when we cats are away ♪ ♪ we won't come back what we say what i say

i won't stay ♪ ♪ i'll wait for you some other night dressed in himalayan white ♪ ♪ i'll wait for you some other night dressed in himalayan white i'll wait for you ♪ ♪ ♪ i'll wait for you dressed in himalayan white ♪ ♪

this is "nightline." >> tonight, with just two days to the inauguration -- >> anticipation is where i'm at right now. >> we are in blue collar michigan feeling the trump love. >> nationally he flipped 200 counties. vladimir putin didn't do that, voters did. >> why these voters say their blue county turned red. >> i think we need hope. >> what they expect from the president-elect. plus kidnapped at birth. a baby girl stolen from the hospital, raised by her alleged abductor for 18 years, and the unsuspecting man who thought he was her father. >> i named her. that's the love of my life. >> now found and reunited with her biological parents. why she's pleading for mercy for the woman who raised her. >> she made one mistake. but i was loved.