>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, shaquille o'neal. from "legion," noah hawley. and music from mondo cozmo. and now, heads up, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi there, thank you very much. hi, everybody, i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. we have a big and tall show for you tonight. maybe you felt the ground shaking tonight. that's because the great and powerful shaquille o'neal is with us. [ cheers and applause ] the genie from "kazaam" is here to grant us three wishes. i wish i had a fresh new brick of post-it notes.

wait a minute. amazing! [ cheers and applause ] you know, the last time shaq was here, i surprised him. the lakers let me tell him on the air, that they were putting a statue of him up at the staples center. at first he didn't believe me. he thought it was a prank. i have a credibility problem. but that's the statue. they're installing it, in the rain they were installing it. this is also to get shaq off the couch when he falls asleep watching tv. it's nine feet tall, it weighs 1,200 pounds, actual size and weight. [ laughter ] you know, last week shaq was all over the news for saying he doesn't believe the earth is round, he believes the earth is flat, and if he's wrong he'll jump up and down a few times and make it flat. he will be here, we'll talk about all that stuff. but on capitol hill today, one of the most dramatic episodes of the celebrity president yet, after working late into the night to get a new health care

plan approved, republicans in the house were forced to postpone their vote today because they cannot agree on what the plan should be. so it's back to the drawing board. unfortunately, trump's budget for education cut funding for drawing boards, so there's no board for them to draw on. [ laughter and applause ] this was a major blow to the president who badly needs a win right now, but he was able to let off some steam today, literally. he had a meeting with some truckers today. the guy told him to honk if he's horny, and he's like, melania doesn't even live in my house anymore, so -- [ cheers and applause ] but it was a blow. because the president went all out for this bill, but hard-line republicans hated it because it offered too many benefits. moderate republicans hated it because it cut too many benefits. hospitals hate it because they stand to lose money. insurance companies hate it because it can blow up the market, and voters hated it. by a margin of 56% to 17%. basically the only people who were okay with the plan were

donald trump, paul ryan, and chuck berry. [ laughter ] i just want to tell you something. i happen to know that chuck would have loved that joke, may he rest in peace. [ laughter and applause ] these congressmen are nervous because the budget office warned that trumpcare could result in 24 million people becoming uninsured. trump says the numbers were cooked up by the microwave that's been spying on him at trump tower. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] there's a lot of talk about the health care bill and the details of it, but let's be honest, unless the bill was hot glued to the back of a victoria's secret catalog, there's no way donald trump read that thing. i mean, come on. the president gave a rollicking interview with "time" magazine yesterday. he said a bunch of stuff. he said he's right about everything. his instincts are always right. he doubled down on his claim that obama wiretapped him. he bragged about how many covers of "time" magazine he's been on,

and the best part of the interview. and at the end, he told the reporter who was interviewing him, he said, i think i'm doing okay, because i'm president and you're not. [ laughter ] let's check back in a week or two and see if that's still the case. but you wonder -- [ cheers and applause ] i mean, who says that? i wonder how many times a day he says that? we're ordering buckets from kfc today because i'm president and you're not. but it is important to know who is president and who is not. so let's go through it real quickly. president. not. not. not. president. not. president. not yet. [ laughter and applause ] where he has been hiding, by the way? mike pence, he's up in a cabin somewhere rubbing his hands together waiting for all the

russia stuff to come out. one thing i've learned about president trump over the last 2 1/2 months is that he's more of a mover than a shaker. and i have to credit one of our tv watchers, a gentleman named anthony, for noticing this. i don't know what this indicates. when donald trump is in a meeting, he has a tendency to move stuff. watch. >> thank you all very much for being here. we had a couple of great meetings this morning. the airline industry -- >> i would have saved that. >> thank you all very much. >> general motors. >> general counsel and public policy. >> thank you. >> nice to see you. >> the person in charge of their health care decisions that lower costs for families -- >> that was a head fake right there.

[ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: shaq would appreciate that. well, all i have to say is i hope the new health care plan covers ocd, because president trump has been moving around so much the secret service can't afford to keep up with him. according to "the washington post," the secret service has requested an additional $60 million to cover the cost of protecting trump and his family when they travel. those weekends at mar-a-lago cost taxpayers $3 million a pop. it might be time for trump to put a travel ban on himself. because that's a lot. [ cheers and applause ] we focus a lot on donald trump's tweets, but he's not the only star of the political world making a splash on twitter. mike huckabee, the former governor of arkansas, has been showing off his sense of humor on twitter a lot. every day he writes jokes. here are some of his jokes. these are real jokes. don't miss it, rachel maddow will reveal who shot j.r. ewing on the series "dallas." sure it was the '80s but it's

rachel maddow. tom brady's jersey found. cops coming to my hotel room to pick it up. dang! the man is basically mark twain in a pair of harbor bay relaxed pants. he's hilarious. but like a lot of great comedy voices, not everyone gets it. some have been posting tweets criticizing his joke-writing. he replied, i tweet for my amusement and your amazement, to haters, trolls, and humorless people, you really shouldn't follow me, it's way over your head. maybe he's right. maybe it is over our heads, maybe these jokes are great. he's a funny guy. look at this family christmas card. you know, you don't wear a shirt like this without wanting to make people laugh. so maybe what mike huckabee needs is a stronger presentation. jokes don't always have the same punch when you read them to yourself. so tonight we asked not just a professional comedian, a great comedian, to do some of mike huckab huckabee's twitter jokes, to bring them to life on the stage.

that said, please welcome patton oswald, everyone! [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you, guys. thank you. thank you so much. thank you. wow, wow. thank you. boy, have you guys been watching the news lately? it's crazy. speaking of the news, breaking news, jimmy dean sausage company will be renamed gorsuch sausage, because he's grinding up some democrat senators into pure pork sausage. traveling's weird. [ laughter ] boy, i was in norway last week, only english-speaking tv i get in norway is bbc. oh, my. it stands for biased boring crap, more effective than ambien as sleep inducer.

hey you guys like -- [ laughter ] you guys like music? [ applause ] >> i sure do. but one kind of music i don't like, poop dogg has nephew named bowwow, both bad dogs, who advocate murder and sex slavery for potus and first lady. who let the dogs out? [ dog barking ] [ laughter ] okay, they're giving me the light. i'll leave you with this. this is a visual gag. did you guys see this? oh, as hillary leaves rally, um, hang on. as hillary leaves rally, e-mail questions continue to dog her.

to be frank, she's in trouble. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. that was the comedy of mike huckabee, as presented by patton oswald. [ cheers and applause ] we'll take a break. when we come back, we'll give college students a chance to win money if they can tell us who is on that money. it's dumb and fun, so stick around, we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ and now, i help people find discounts, like paperless, multi-car, and safe driver, that help them save on their car insurance. any questions? -yeah. -how do you go to the bathroom? great. any insurance-related questions? -mm-hmm. -do you have a girlfriend?

uh, i'm actually focusing on my career right now, saving people nearly $600 when they switch, so... where's your belly button? [ sighs ] i've got to start booking better gigs. [ sighs ] [music / beat-box vocals playing] ♪ you're gonna rock the party ♪ ♪ ♪ rock this party up get play proof kid's gearhl's built for springtime fun like jumping beans dresses for only $12 $7 mix and match tops and bottoms and carter's sandals $19.99. you'll get kohl's cash too. play proof guarantee only at kohl's.

ating tint. the first water gel foundation with hyaluronic acid it plumps, quenches... delivers a natural, flawless look. this is what makeup's been missing. neutrogena®

i'm not a customer, but i'm calling about that credit scorecard. give it. sure! it's free for everyone. oh! well that's nice! and checking your score won't hurt your credit. oh! i'm so proud of you. well thank you. free at at discover.com/creditscorecard, even if you're not a customer.

discover italy's lighter side, at olive garden with new tastes of the mediterranean recipes that put a fresh spin on traditional italian made with simple, wholesome ingredients inspired by italy's mediterranean coast. indulge in italy's lighter side at olive garden. >> jimmy: hi, everyone. welcome back.

tonight on the show, music from mondo cozmo, noah hawley is here. but first, it's spring break time. in the united states of america and means thousands if not millions of college students are out on vacation for the week. tonight we'll give some of them a chance to win cash. to buy god knows what with. time to play a special college edition of "on the money." let's go out to the streets of hollywood, where my cousin sal is standing by with our first contestant. i was going to ask your name. but i see it there. what's your name, cousin sal? >> my name is justine. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> dana point, california. >> jimmy: from down south, you go to ucla. what is your major at ucla? >> sociology. >> jimmy: how far along are you? >> i'm a junior. three years in. >> jimmy: will you graduate on time? >> as of now. >> jimmy: do you have a job or do you go to school full time? >> i do. i work at the front desk of a hotel. >> jimmy: do you ever experience hookers there at the front desk? >> i have, before. >> jimmy: oh, you have. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and how does that work?

do you send them up? do you have to call the room? >> usually they know where they're going. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they know where they're going. do they have to get a key to get into the room? i could go the whole segment on this, by the way. >> i'm not allowed to give a key to -- >> sal: listen to jimmy playing dumb over there. >> jimmy: all right, here's how the game works. we'll start with the lowest possible denomination of cash. if you get that right, you can continue on and risk what you've won to go to the next highest level. you know what i'm saying? we'll explain it here. we'll begin with the penny. cousin sal, you have a penny? >> i do. >> jimmy: don't look at the penny, justine. whose face is on the penny? >> abraham lincoln. >> jimmy: that is correct. all right. you win a penny. now you have a decision to make. do you want to keep that penny? or do you want to go for six cents? do you want to go for a nickel? >> i want to go for a nickel. >> jimmy: she's going to go for the nickel! [ cheers and applause ]

she's going to go for the nickel. >> sal: whoa! >> jimmy: all right, justine. who is on the nickel? >> uh, god, um -- >> jimmy: this is where it gets tough. >> this is -- >> jimmy: i'll give you a hint. he's a president. >> great, okay. >> jimmy: you have to take a guess, justine. >> george washington. >> jimmy: no, no. i'm so sorry. you have to give the penny back to cousin sal. oh, wow, justine. that's so tough. thank you for playing. that's how it goes, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] you know, it's gambling. you're going to roll the dice, you might lose the dice. all right, let's try again. let'si let's see who we have. what is your name, sir? >> my name is osie. >> cal state l.a. >> jimmy: what are you studying? >> exercise science. >> jimmy: exercise science. that's a thing? >> yeah. [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: and will you be an exercise scientist, or what will -- >> basically i can go anywhere from kinesiology to, like, being like a pediatrician or whatever i want to be. >> jimmy: i see. do you know your money? do you know your u.s. currency? >> probably not. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. you got a tough act to follow because justine was able to identify who was on the penny. but that's where it ended. okay? so the first question is, who is on the penny? >> lincoln. >> jimmy: that is right, osie. you got one cent. do you want to risk it? go to the next one? >> sure. go for it. >> jimmy: okay, wow. we're on the money. who is on the nickel? five cents? >> jefferson. >> jimmy: jefferson is right! [ cheers and applause ] you have six cents. you want to keep that six cents, or do you want to try a dime? >> let's try a dime. [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: osie's going for it. >> sal: hold on, i have to step in. i've seen too many people blow this. please. >> jimmy: sal -- >> sal: no. take the money, give it back to your parents for the tuition. just be responsible. >> jimmy: don't listen to him. do what you think you should do in this situation. you're going to go for it? >> yeah, i'm going to go for it. >> jimmy: he's going to go for it! [ cheers and applause ] i want to see how much fake enthusiasm i can wring out of you before the night is done. all right. osie, who is on the dime? >> i'm going to say adams. >> jimmy: oh, we're going to have to take that six cents away from you. >> sal: i warned you! >> jimmy: should we try one more? by the way, were you born around the time the oc, the show came out? >> yeah, i was. >> jimmy: okay, that's ridiculous. all right, thank you, osie. we got to do better than this. we're going to play a speed round. who is out there, cousin sal?

>> hi, erika. >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> good. how are you? >> jimmy: you go to university of washington. >> yeah. >> jimmy: here on spring break? >> yeah. >> jimmy: need some extra cash? >> yeah. >> jimmy: college students always do. erika, who is on the penny? >> abraham lincoln. >> jimmy: that's correct. [ cheers and applause ] do you want to risk it and go for the nickel? >> yeah. >> jimmy: who is on the nickel?. do you want to hold on to that or go for 16 cents? >> sal: walk, walk. >> i'll go for it. >> jimmy: who is on the dime? who is on the dime? this is where osie got caught up. >> would it be adams? >> jimmy: oh, stil i think what we've learned is our college students aren't that bright. [ laughter ] well, thank you so much, erica, sorry that didn't work out.

thanks for playing our game show "on the money." we have a good show tonight. md noah hawley is here, and we'll be right back with shaquille o'neal. so stick around! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ whoa! you're not taking these. hey, hey, hey! you're not taking those. whoa, whoa! you're not taking that. come with me. you're not taking that. you're not taking that. you're not taking that. mom, i'm taking the subaru. don't be late. even when we're not there to keep them safe, (vo) love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. it's about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. they got about as much ctaker. (chuckling) or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. (laughing) or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. (laughing) new left and right twix® packs. it's time to deside.

say hello to at&t's best, unlimited data deal ever. it's a total game-changer. so now the whole family can binge,... ...surf, shop, navigate, listen, game, stream and more. all without the hassle of worrying about overages... ...or running out of data. it's less than $40 per line per month with 4 lines. and remember, it's at&t's best, unlimited data deal ever. so get at&t, get unlimited and get everyone more for less. at red lobster's lobsterfestime. any of these 9 lobster dishes could be yours. so don't resist delicious new lobster mix and match or lobsterfest surf and turf because you won't have this chance for long.

by the time the drugs rannd wout, i was addicted.. it happened so fast. i ended up on the streets, where the drugs are cheaper and easier to get. i was a full blown heroin addict, selling my soul to get high. when i realized i needed help i didn't know where to go. but i got help and you can too. you're not alone. help is within reach. this is governor chris christie. call 844 reach nj or visit reachnj.gov.

if you've got a life, you gotta swiffer z26vfz z5yz y26vfy y5yy

♪ ♪ award winning interface. award winning design. award winning engine. the volvo xc90. the most awarded luxury suv of the century.

>> jimmy: welcome back. tonight, he is the creative force behind the shows "fargo" and "legion," both of which can be seen on fx, noah hawley is here. then this is his single, it's called "shine," mondo cozmo from the mercedes-benz stage. you can see mondo cozmo on tour with bastille, starting tomorrow in toronto. our first guest tonight is a four-time nba champion, a basketball hall-of-famer and a man of more nicknames than anyone on the planet earth - which is round, by the way. tomorrow, a statue of his shaqness will be unveiled outside the staples center, from the nba on tnt, please welcome shaquille o'neal!

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i don't know why. i have this urge, like, i would one day like to wrestle you, like for real. like you and i, we'll just get in and wrestle. >> tell you what, next time i time, you have a tub of jello there and we'll jello it. >> jimmy: we'll jello wrestle, absolutely. >> me and you. >> jimmy: i would love that. how you doing? >> i'm doing fine. >> jimmy: that was a joke about the world being flat, right? >> was it? [ laughter ] of course it was. >> jimmy: when i heard you say that, people were getting all excited, like there's no way he wasn't joking in this situation. >> they got upset. my theory is, i bought a bus couple summers ago.

so when i drive from florida to california, it seems flat to me. >> jimmy: i see, okay. >> you ever been in a flight and you getting ready to land and you pull up the window and you look, it seems flat, right? so that was my theory. i'm just joking. relax, i'm joking. >> jimmy: they almost took your ph.d. in education away. are there other crazy things that you might want to start? do you want to say you believe in bigfoot? >> i do. i really do. >> jimmy: are you a bigfoot? >> uh, know what's funny? [ laughter ] one time in seattle in the snowstorm, somebody took a picture of me and showed it to me, and i really looked like big foot. [ laughter ] i really did. i was like, oh, that's me. >> jimmy: yeah, shaq-squatch is one nickname you never got. >> i know, right? >> jimmy: that's pretty good, actually. i was thinking about this today donald trump was on the news. and i was thinking, if you ran

for president, i think you honestly, i'm not joking, i think you'd have a really good shot. [ cheers and applause ] >> i plan on running for some type of law enforcement office. position of sheriff, maybe in 2020. >> jimmy: i got a picture of what sheriffs wear. and i don't see you in this. [ laughter ] >> oh, i could wear that. i could wear that, totally. >> jimmy: you don't need to look taller. >> i like that. >> jimmy: you'd be comfortable in a hat like th? >> jimmy: well, i don't know. i think that president would be a gro much work. too intense for me. >> jimmy: isn't being a sheriff you have people that work under you. sheriff is just, show up, give speeches, say hi to the kids. kiss old ladies, kiss babies, go >> jimmy: you don't have to put a health care bill together? >> none of that. >> jimmy: no immigration issues to deal with. >> no. >> jimmy: all right, okay. i'll let you off the hook on that one. your son, by the way, i know is playing high school basketball

right now.ight. >> jimmy: he better be good. he's gotta be good, right? >> he's really good. he's better than i was at the age of 16. >> jimmy: is he? >> but i don't put a lot of pressure on him. i just tell him, have fun. if you want to be a professional basketball player i can show you how to get there. but if he doesn't make it, it's not going to be the worst thing in the world. i don't put any pressure on my kids to play basketball. the only pressure i put on them is to go to school and make yourse [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's good. but of course they do whatever they want. so it really almost doesn't matter what pressure you put on them, because they are going to do what you want to do. >> and they like playing the game. and they're pretty good. i have three that play. sharif, shaquir, and my youngest daughter i think is the best. and mimi also plays, but i think my youngest daughter will probably -- >> jimmy: will they get competitive now that you've declared one of em they fight all the time. >> jimmy: do you play hard, like if you play against your son? >> i tried to play a couple

weeks ago and said, i'm never playing again. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: why? >> i couldn't play. i was just gone, i've lost it. >> jimmy: you lost energy or you lost your touch? >> everything. it was just gone. i looked terrible out there. i looked awful. >> jimmy: so what's going to happen when i pin you in the jell-o wrestling? that's going to be something that -- >> that's never gonna happen. >> jimmy: that could humiliate your family. >> you will never pin me in jell-o. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: when you play basketball with your kids, do you teach them how to shoot free-throws, or do you have somebody else come in for that? [ laughter ] >> actually, i'm a great free throw shooter, you know that. i saw you at all three of my parades. >> jimmy: that's true. >> no, you know what, the thing about shooting, i used to be a shooter when i was a youngster. then i started duringing. dunking. then i fell in love with dunking.

and rather than shoot, i want to get close to the basket. but they're excellent shooters. >> jimmy: they are, excellent shooters. you got -- i think -- listen, the hall of fame is great. all these accolades, winning these titles, but to get a statue of yourself outside the staples center is very, very rare. and very special, right? [ cheers and applause ] >> it's special and i have to thank you, because i came here around this time last year, and you told me, and you know i don't believe anything you say. >> jimmy: yeah, you didn't believe me. >> i didn't believe you. >> jimmy: i had to go back after the show and say, no, i wasn't kidding. you really got -- you're really getting a statue outside. >> it's -- it'll be a great moment. it will happen tomorrow. friends will be there, the family will be there. >> jimmy: we'll talk about that. we'll take a quick break. shaquille o'neal is with us. you know him from the nba on tnt. we'll be right back with shaquille o'neal. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ everything in it. liberty did what?

liberty mutual paid to replace all of our property that was damaged. and we didn't have to touch our savings. yeah, our insurance won't do that. well, there goes my boat. you can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™. liberty stands with you™ liberty mutual insurance it's an italianankie, hero from subway. got there? that's a lotta meat on that sandwich! a real lot. you did good, frankie. introducing the subway italian hero. it's stacked with our better italian flavor, for a better subway.

this scarf all that's my left to rememb... sayonara. what. she washed this like a month ago! the long lasting scent of gain. now available in matching scents across your entire laundry routine. are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool? try zyrtec® it's starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®.

welcome to maxx you. you are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. you stand out in a crowd. and are pulled together. you follow your own lead and show your strength. always comfortable in your own skin. we see what makes you unique. so we have something for everyone, at a price that's just right for you. maxx you. maxx life. t.j.maxx how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii... it takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. ♪ "the birds and the bees" let me tell you 'bout...♪ ♪

♪ the birds the bees and the flowers and the trees ♪ ♪ and the moon up above and a thing called love. ♪ ♪ let me tell you 'bout the stars in the sk♪, a girl and a guy and the way they could kiss ♪ ♪ on a night like this. ♪ ♪ when i look into your big brown eyes ♪ ♪ it's so very plain to s♪e ♪ that it's time you learned about the facts of life ♪ ♪ startin' from a to z. ♪ ♪ let me tell you bout the the birds and the bees ♪ life's as big as you make it. introducing the all-new seven seater volkswagen atlas ♪and a thing called love.

dear fellow citizen, i know what it's like to worry about student loan debt. i graduated into it. so i couldn't do the things i love, like traveling. but i knew there had to be a way to manage it. citizens bank education refinance loan. call... an education refinance loan helped me save on payments each month. if you have a question about whether refinancing is right for you, ask me. sincerely, robert kennedy, fellow grad and fellow citizen. call... to refi now.

>> jimmy: we're back with this gentleman. tomorrow is the big unveiling of your statue, 2:00, there's going to be a big -- it's called the shaq town celebration, something like that? >> i think so. >> jimmy: i think so as well. who is going to be there? your former teammates?

i hope all of them. i hope kobe's there, rick fox -- >> jimmy: so you don't send out a paperless post or anything like that, no evite? >> i didn't send out anything. hopefully the lakers took care of that. >> jimmy: will people make speeches? >> i'm not sure. >> jimmy: will you make a speech on your behalf? >> i probably will. >> jimmy: and you have something planned or you're just going to wing it? >> i'm not going to wing it. i'll probably go tonight and rewatch the show and see how beautiful i am. [ laughter ] and then i'll probably start writing it then. >> jimmy: by the way, do you know who is on the quarter? >> quarter of what? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: the quarter. >> no. >> jimmy: like the coin. >> i haven't -- a quarter, i haven't touched a quarter in -- [ laughter ] >> you know what's great? i never carry money. ? you never have money? >> i never have cash. >> jimmy: do you have a money carrier? >> no. >> jimmy: i heard you're a big tipper? >> yes, i'm a big tipper. but like, you know -- regular days, when i was at the

store -- for example, last week i had to pay the store guys, i'm like listen, let me take the doughnuts and the soda and i'll go home and i'll bring the money back. he said, yeah, you can do it. but when i'm at restaurants, i'm a big tipper. i like to show people my appreciation. so when they come up to the table, i say, the quicker i get my order, the bigger your tip will be. then the food will come fast. then when we leave, i'll ask them. how much you want? >> jimmy: you'll ask the waiter? >> how much you want? and the most someone said was $4,000. and i said okay, no problem. >> jimmy: you gave them $4,000? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you should have punched them in the head is what you should have done. [ laughter ] >> yeah, it was a young lady. she was like, oh, my god, you're going to pay my rent for two months. >> jimmy: what a strange figure. $4,000. >> she said it. >> jimmy: you shouldn't have said this, you can't ever go out to dinner again. >> i know, right? >> jimmy: you're going to have to get back in the league. >> i know. >> jimmy: that is unbelievable.

what about a valet, if somebody parks your car? how much do they get? >> about $300. >> jimmy: $300? >> yes. >> jimmy: if you don't have cash, how do you give them that $300? >> i won't stop. won't stop, i just keep driving. no money, i'm just going home. >> jimmy: have you been watching the lakers lately? have you watched any of their games lately? >> yes. >> jimmy: does it hurt you to watch that, or do you feel like that's the best strategy for them to kind of tank? >> this is the first time -- >> jimmy: they are kind of tanking, right? >> if that's what you want to call it. this is the first time i've seen the laker organization not have one or two big-name players. so hopefully with the hiring of magic johnson they can lure some free agents. >> jimmy: we need you to sign is really what we need. congratulations on the statue. there's nobody that deserves it more. >> you going to be there? >> jimmy: i would love to.

if you want to be a part of it -- is everyone invite order just former players? everyone's invited. it's the big shaq statue unveiling, tomorrow 2:00 at the staples center. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the big man invites you to be there. we'll be right back with noah hawley! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ sir? you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. can i keep the walnuts? yes. but i get to pick your movie. can i pick the genre? nope. with the blue cash everyday card

you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. backed by the service and security of american express. you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. this this this is my body of proof. proof of less joint pain and clearer skin. this is my body of proof that i can take on psoriatic arthritis with humira. humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. it's proven to help relieve pain, stop further joint damage, and clear skin in many adults. humira is the #1 prescribed biologic for psoriatic arthritis. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. want more proof? ask your rheumatologist about humira.

what's your body of proof? [whistle] hi. ♪ get up to 50% off all dresses. women's from 15 bucks. girls' from 10. hi, fashion. old navy. ( ♪ ) we're proud to reveal that jim beam black has been awarded the world's highest rated bourbon. their words, not ours. make history. ( ♪ )

make history. schick hydro ® vs a lube strip. with seven hydrating gel pools... that give you 40% less friction... it's designed like no other razor to protect from irritation. schick hydro ® free your skin. ® [music / beat-box vocals playing] ♪ you're gonna rock the party ♪ ♪ ♪ rock this party up you totanobody's hurt, new car. but there will still be pain. it comes when your insurance company says they'll only pay three-quarters of what it takes to replace it.

what are you supposed to do? drive three-quarters of a car? now if you had liberty mutual new car replacement™, you'd get your whole car back. i guess they don't want you driving around on three wheels. smart. with liberty mutual new car replacement™, we'll replace the full value of your car. liberty stands with you™. liberty mutual insurance.

>> jimmy: we are back. still to come, music from mondo cozmo. if there is such a thing as genius in television, our next guest is one. he is a best-selling author, director, screenwriter, producer and the brains behind two great shows "fargo" and "legion." >> you know the most dangerous thing about schizophrenia? the most dangerous thing is believing you don't have it. that's a trick. the mind-killer. your disease convinces you, you don't have it. so, for example, one day in the hospital, you meet a girl and she has some friends and they tell you, you're not sick. you have superpowers, and more than anything, you want to believe it, because that means you're not crazy.

that means you can fall in love and live happily ever after. >> jimmy: that is for the season finale of "legion," it airs on fx next wednesday night at 10:00, please welcome noah hawley! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: forgive me, but you seem so tiny compared to shaq. >> yes. it's my great burden. >> jimmy: for those who don't know, because i don't think people know entirely what you're up to, you wrote and correct me if i'm wrong, you wrote all ten episodes of the first season of "fargo," six out of ten episodes of the second season. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you wrote a bunch of the episodes for "legion," you wrote a novel that became a best-seller. and now you're, just by sitting here tonight, you're losing two or three episodes of work. >> yeah, it's like how bill

gates loses money by stopping to pick up $10,000. [ laughter ] if i stop moving, i'm in trouble. >> jimmy: you must be the fastest typist in the world. >> with two fingers. i literally type like that. >> jimmy: is that true? >> sometimes another finger will get involved, but mostly it's just the two. >> jimmy: you could get a whole other series if you could learn to type properly. >> the pinkies, yeah. >> jimmy: it really is remarkable. these shows, i mentioned this to you, i le th of these shows. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you really have, you've taken on, "fargo" is one of the most beloved movies of all time, would you agree? >> it is, yeah. >> jimmy: and i assume by you as well. and you decide to make a television series out of it. and not only didn't you ruin it, you made something entirely different and great on its own, and then you dive into marvel comics which is another kind of iconic, holy relic that people shouldn't mess with, and you made this great television show out of that.

i mean, were you at all nervous about touching either of these two things just to start with? >> yeah, with "fargo," i assumed two people would watch it and one would be hate-watching it, and when it turned out to be popular and critically acclaimed, i just assumed that i was doing this thing that was such a terrible idea, that the only thing i could do was just dive into it and make it the thing it had to be. then when we were rewarded for taking risks, i just took more risks and "legion" was sort of the same. you take this underlying material, which is so beautiful and brilliant, and i just tried to pay respect to it, but then to tell the story that i want to tell with it. >> in a way, it reminds me of how like dr. dre or jay-z will take a song or a beat or something and then make it into something else. and even if you don't know what that original thing was, you can appreciate it. >> yeah, i think it's a

conversation that i'm having with the work that i love. even as a novelist, you're always going off the books that inspired you, and it becomes a dialogue in a way. no one had ever asked me to make a cohen brothers movie before. you know, this is my way of showing my appreciation to the work that they do, you know, so i look at it that way. it's about trying to find something unfamiliar and unexpected in something that we all know. >> jimmy: both of your shows have so much in the way of visual, these elements that i wonder how they even make it to the page. and the music as well. like, is that something that you're thinking of, when you're writing, or is that something that you deal with later on? >> no, i start talking about music with the composer, jeff russo, like at the outline stage. with "legion," before there was a script, we were talking and i said, it had to sound like dark side of the moon, one of the most brilliant albums ever made,

and has the soundscape to mental illness. and the movie is about a character who may have a mental i illness, or may have these powers, or both. jeff, as an enthusiast, he went out and he tracked down one of the original synthesizers they used on "dark side of the moon" and used it in the show. >> jimmy: the actual, not just the model? >> no, the model. i don't think he could pry it away from the guy who had it. but, yes, so the music is very important to the identity of the show, obviously, and it is with "fargo" as well. >> jimmy: when you're writing these, do they ever overlap? is there a day when you're writing body of these shows? >> there was about three months ago, i would write a "legion" script one week, and "fargo" the next week. and they're completely opposite shows and different brains that you have to wear. i think you either have the head for it or you don't, really. >> jimmy: most actors, you feel like an actor couldn't do that, because actors, if you visit them on the set, or you hear these stories about them, some of them stay in character the

whole time, but you're switching back and forth from these totally different worlds. >> and the nine other parts of running shows, which is the business side of it, and managing production, and i direct now as well. so there's a lot. >> jimmy: when your kids have a book report to write, are you like, just do it! >> yeah. [ laughter ] just do it, yeah. >> jimmy: like this, i could write that thing, get it done! >> or i've already written it for them. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so the third season of "fargo" comes out next month. i mean, it's unbelievable how much work you do. >> yeah, i like to multi task, but it's getting a little ridiculous. >> jimmy: it is getting ridiculous. >> you're actually stressing me out. >> jimmy: i'm sorry, but i feel like i need to talk some sense into you. and i know you're working on another series as well, based on a kurt vonnegut book, which is another thing that people will kill you if you screw up. but i want to ask one question about "fargo," because i know ewan mcgregor is starring in two different roles.

>> yeah. >> jimmy: there was an element and it was very -- for those who haven't seen the show, it's a great show. for almost, it seemed no reason at all, a ufo appeared at the end of -- will that -- is that something that will continue on in this next season? >> well, i always joke that season 3 would be the space station "fargo," the year 5050, but i don't think that we're going to do that, no. but you may see a ufo in the season. but i can't say it will be a literal ufo. >> jimmy: should we presume when a ufo shows up, it means you've been up too late writing? >> yes, it does. yeah. too long out in the sun. >> jimmy: if you haven't seen these shows, you can get them on fx, they have the app and everything. watch the whole thing. and the season finale of "legion" is next wednesday at 10:00 on fx. noah hawley! and we shall return with music from mondo cozmo.

>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. it's time for buy one take one starting at $12.99, at olive garden. come for an irresistible meal here, and leave with a great meal too. so you can enjoy family time one more time. buy one take one, only for a limited time. at olive garden.

>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank shaquille o'neal, noah hawley, patton oswalt, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next, but first, here with the song "shine," mondo cozmo! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ stick with me jesus through the comin' storm i've come to you in search of something ♪ ♪ i have lost shine down a light on me and show a path i promise you i will ♪ ♪ i promised i would return if you take me back ♪ let 'em get high let 'em get stoned ♪ ♪ everything will be alright if you let it go ♪ ♪ let them get out let them get

stoned ♪ ♪ everything will be all right if you let it go yeah ♪ ♪ ♪ my friends are so alone and it breaks my heart ♪ ♪ my friends don't understand we all are lost shine down a light on them and show a path ♪ my friends all understand we all are lost ♪ ♪ shine a light down on them and show a path ♪ ♪ i promise you they will return if you take 'em back ♪ ♪ let them get high let them get stoned ♪ ♪ everything will be all right in. >> you let it go ♪

♪ let them get out let them get stoned ♪ ♪ everything will be all right if you let it go ♪ ♪ oh let it go ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ come with me mary through these modern lines stick with me jesus til' the end of time ♪ ♪ shine down a light on me and

let me know and take me in your arms and never let me go ♪ ♪ let 'em get high let 'em get stoned everything will be alright if you let it go ♪%-p7 stoned everything will be alright if you let it go ♪ ♪ let 'em get high let 'em get stoned everything will be alright if you let it go ♪ ♪ let 'em get high let 'em get stoned everything will be alright if you let it go ♪ ♪ let 'em get high let 'em get

stoned everything will be alright if you let it go ♪ ♪ let 'em get high let 'em get stoned everything will be alright if you let it go ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ let 'em get high let 'em get stoned everything will be alright if you let it go ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

this is "nightline." >> tonight, two women gone missing ten years apart. now one body discovered. >> last night, for me, was the hardest thing i've ever done. >> the same man suspected in both disappearances. will he talk? two families united in grief and hope. >> we're here to get justice for them. plus -- ♪ purple rain >> the prince's bride. matae garcia telling all about her marriage to the "purple rain" pop superstar. >> that's the part of prince that's very controlling. >> his drastic reaction to the loss of their first child. and the private struggles his adoring public never saw. >> i don't even know what the pills were, i just know that