hi. i'm mick david from portillo's in chicago. tonight on "jimmy" we have casey affleck, allison tolman and stand-up comedian chris charpentier. after ten years we bring back our famous portillo's lemon cake. come on down and get a slice right after we start the show! >> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, casey affleck. from "downward dog," allison tolman. and comedian chris charpentier. and now, for the time being, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. that's very nice. hi. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show.

thank you for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for standing in line and braving the -- boy, it was hot today. today as you probably know, today's the beginning of summer. summer officially begins tonight. so if you're wondering why your kids stopped going to school, that's probably the reason. [ laughter ] it's summertime. i love summertime. guillermo, do you love summertime? >> guillermo: yes, jimmy, i love it. >> jimmy: even though i don't get the whole -- you do? >> guillermo: i love to get in the pool. >> jimmy: even though you cannot swim you love to get in the pool? >> guillermo: yeah. only up to here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: only there. my favorite summer, if i had to pick one summer, i think my favorite was probably the summer of '69. bought my first real six string. [ laughter ] maybe that was a song. it was 119 degrees in phoenix, arizona today. it was too hot to fly. they couldn't take off because i don't know, i guess the wheels were melting on the tarmac. people were so desperate for air-conditioning dozens of them actually went to go see that "baywatch" movie.

that's how -- [ laughter ] it was 117 in las vegas where we grew up. you know, when it hits 117 in vegas, that's when the strippers really have it figured out. they're like, look at you idiots in clothes, we're wearing nothing. we're at work. [ laughter ] here's a fun little item for those of you who are either currently incarcerated or plan to be incarcerated in the future. the state of california has what they call pay to stay jails where an inmate can pay for a more comfortable cell. did you know this? i didn't know about this. for $100 a night inmates can get a semi-private room, single showers and they can make phone calls whenever they want. like a hotel. just don't ask where the mint on your pillow has been. [ laughter ] inmates can pay $250 a night and you can get unlimited access to movies, cable tv, and a cellmate who promises to stop at second base. [ laughter ] which -- isn't that crazy, though? [ cheers and applause ]

i think the moral to this story is if you're planning on robbing a bank make sure you steal a lot so you can afford hulu in prison. [ laughter ] speaking of prisoners, white house press secretary sean spicer might soon be moving to another job in the administration. he's reportedly in the process of interviewing his own replacements. they're looking for someone who's cool under pressure, well briefed on policy and can keep a straight face when saying "yes, the gentleman from infowars." [ laughter ] i love this spin, though. basically what's happening is trump is firing sean spicer but he doesn't want to fire him because it would be admitting he hired another doofus. [ laughter ] it's the white house equivalent of telling the kids you sent fluffy to live on a farm upstate to run around. spicer spoke to reporters today, and he showed once again just why he will be so difficult to replace. >> very plainly a yes or no answer. does president trump believe that the russian government interfered in the 2016 election? >> i think -- i have not sat down and talked to him about that specific thing.

>> there's 16 intelligence agencies that say that they did. the former fbi director said that without a doubt the russians -- >> i understand. i've seen the reports. >> does the president share those views? >> i have not sat down and asked him about his specific reaction to them. so i'd be glad to touch base and get back to you. >> jimmy: by touch base and get back to you he means i am getting on a flight to maui and never coming back. never. [ cheers and applause ] by the way, here's a young man who could use a press secretary. this is from a high school graduation in exeter, pennsylvania where the senior class president gave a speech that did not go over well with the faculty. >> at our school the title of class president could more accurately be class party planner and student council's main obligation is to paint signs every week. despite some of the outstanding people in our school the lack of a real student government combined with the authoritative attitude that a few teachers, administrators and board members have prevents students from

truly developing as leaders. hopefully, this will change. hopefully, for the sake of future students - [ microphone off ] more people in this school -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the school pulled a kanye on the kid. [ laughter ] i don't like that. whoever cut that mike off should not be in charge of an education of any kind. i want to find out exactly what happened. we tracked the kid down on social media. and joining us now, please say hello to peter butera. hello, peter. how are you? [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm good. how are you? >> jimmy: not only were you the class president, you were the valedictorian too? >> that is correct. >> jimmy: what was your grade point average? >> our school doesn't do the 1 through 4. we did 1 through 100 -- >> jimmy: you're dodging the question. what was your grade point

average! never mind. why were they so mad at you for that, peter? >> well, i went off script and it wasn't the speech i handed in because i knew they wouldn't let me say what i wanted to say. >> jimmy: all you did was give the school like a two-star yelp review. you didn't do anything bad. did you get yelled at afterwards? >> no. but you could tell they weren't too happy. >> jimmy: were your parents proud or are you grounded forever? >> they were proud. they supported me. >> jimmy: since your school didn't let you finish your speech at the graduation ceremony i thought it would be nice to let you finish it on television. so go ahead and say whatever it was you were planning to say. [ applause ] i will not cut you off. and then it can get to them. all right? go ahead. >> thank you very much. hopefully, for the sake of future students, more people of power within our school who do not do so already will begin to prioritize education itself as well as the empowering of students because at the end of the day it is not what we have done as wyoming-area students or

athletes that will define our lives but what we will go on to do as wyoming-area alumni. and i hope that every one of my classmates here today as well as myself will go on to do great things in this world and achieve true happiness and success. thank you all for coming out to this great celebration today. >> jimmy: that's a good speech. [ cheers and applause ] have you learned your lesson that you should always carry a bullhorn in your pants? >> i have. >> jimmy: thanks, peter. where are you going to college? are you going to college? >> i'm going to villanova university in the fall. [ applause ] >> jimmy: well, good. keep being a pain in the ass. be a pain in the ass there too. >> i will. >> jimmy: i think we should encourage this sort of thing. thank you. that's peter butera. [ cheers and applause ] he's a good american. let me tell you something. at my school a kid rode through graduation on a motorcycle naked, he didn't get in that much trouble. [ laughter ] hey, you know that doll named

barbie, barbie the doll? barbie is getting some new kens to play with. mattel today unveiled a new line of what they call diverse ken dolls. these are the dolls. it's like the cast of "the bachelorette" only with more personality. [ laughter ] the weird thing is even though it was done in the name of diversity they're all named ken. they don't even have their own names. [ laughter ] it's true. this one is my favorite i think. this looks like -- this is the ken doll who uses tinder to cheat on barbie. [ laughter ] they've got a ken with a man bun. [ laughter ] which your little brother's definitely going to tear the head off of. every one of these ken dolls looks like a guy you'd jump in a fire to avoid having a conversation with. i don't know what's going on with this one but i'm fairly certain this is rachel maddow. right? [ cheers and applause ] we've got a lot of ken dolls. amazon, i'm sure you heard about this. amazon announced on friday a deal that shocked the business world.

amazon is planning to buy whole foods, the grocery stores, for $13.7 billion. or to put it in whole foods terms, for five cans of macadamia nuts. [ laughter ] the ceo of whole foods said this idea of joining forces with amazon came to him in a dream, which means this guy has some very white dreams. [ laughter ] but while many business leaders are praising this move, some customers are concerned that amazon will change the whole foods experience, and it will, but that isn't necessarily a negative. in fact, we put together a quick demonstration to show you exactly how it will work once these two companies join forces. here we are. imagine i am now in the grocery store. >> welcome to amazon whole foods. would you like to try our pita chips and hummus? >> jimmy: oh yes, sure, thank you very much. >> did you like that just the one time or would you like to have it every other month? >> jimmy: just the one time. >> hi, james. how did you enjoy your hummus? >> jimmy: jimmy. and it was fine. it was good.

>> how fine was it? on a scale of 1 to 5 stars? >> jimmy: 4 i would say. >> you know, people who bought that hummus also enjoyed our tzatziki dip and our triple a batteries. would you like to add those to your cart? >> jimmy: i don't really need batteries -- >> here's what one customer had to say about that hummus. >> it's too salty. [ laughter ] i like the old hummus. it was creamier, and you didn't have to mix the oil in with a spoon. >> jimmy: okay. you know, i don't really need all this extra information. i just wanted -- >> would you like to sign up for whole foods prime? it's $600. along with your hummus you'll get a free streaming service from the duplass brothers. >> jimmy: i'd like just to take the hummus although i don't see any hummus on your table. >> here comes a hummus drone. ♪ >> jimmy: wow. [ applause ] this is a terrible idea. thank you very much. >> that's actually our slogan.

amazon whole foods. "a terrible idea." >> jimmy: oh. [ cheers and applause ] you can take your things. why does it have to be in the thing to wheel it off? [ laughter ] by the way, i could use a hummus drone. that could be the key to peace in the middle east. a hummus drone. [ laughter ] i'm not sure if they have these at whole foods. have you seen the unusually shaped deep sea creature that's been online? this is an animal that's been -- it was discovered by a team of horny australian scientists. [ laughter ] they call it the peanut worm. for real. this is what we know about the peanut worm. it lives 4,000 meters under the sea, and it's jewish. [ laughter ] it's a big deal. they say this is the first penis-shaped creature discovered by scientists since nba commissioner adam silver. [ laughter ] of course this interests me because i have the maturity level of a 12-year-old. so we decided to do a study.

we went out on the street today with a picture of the peanut worm and asked people a simple question. we asked them what is this? and this is how they responded to that. >> what is this? >> oh, my. [ laughter ] >> what is this? >> oh, boy. that is a -- i have no idea. but i know what i think it is. it looks like genitalia. >> what is this? >> it's a -- it's a penis. [ laughter ] >> what is this? >> this is a crazy -- wow. a penis. >> a glow stick? >> mushroom? >> zucchini? or something that i can't talk about in public. >> what is this? >> that's a [ bleep ]. whoa. >> that looks like a [ bleep ].

>> it could be something -- for the ladies in the bedside cabinet. >> penis. it's a penis. >> it's a big penis. >> have you ever seen anything like that before? have you ever been this close to one? >> no. i'm a little uncomfortable. >> [ speaking foreign language ]. >> it's a penis. [ laughter ] >> oh. my gosh. it looks like a penis for me. >> a filipenis? >> yeah. a filipenis. but the philippines is not that big. [ laughter ] >> a penis. >> a jellyfish. >> the penis of a jellyfish. >> that looks like some sort of a penis animal. >> i saw that. it's actually in the ocean. it's an ocean creature that i don't know the name of. >> what would you call it? >> i'd call it a dildo sea urchin. >> what is this? >> i don't want to see.

>> what's it called? >> what you say? penis. >> i couldn't quite hear you. >> [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm glad we settled that. we have a great show for you tonight. allison tolman is with us. comedian chris charpentier is here. lindsay ell is sitting in with the cletones, and we'll be right back with casey affleck. so stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ i hear it's fine ♪ if you've got the time ♪ ♪ i hear the time ♪ most every night >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by

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about xiidra. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi there. welcome back. that's lindsay ell sitting in with the cletones. [ cheers and applause ] thanks, lindsay. lindsay has an album coming out in august. it's called "the project." and you can see lindsay on tour now with brad paisley. lindsay, what is it like to tour with brad paisley? is it true that he has a separate bus that's just for his hat? >> of course. of course, jimmy. and it's even painted like a corvette. >> jimmy: it is. is his bus really painted look a corvette? >> he's that cool. >> jimmy: brad has a problem. he really does. [ laughter ] tomorrow night on our show chadwick boseman will be here. tatiana maslany will join us. and we'll have music from kyle with lil yachty. on thursday anthony hopkins, chris hardwick and music from queen and adam lambert.

so please join us for all this. [ applause ] tonight chris charpentier. since we last saw our first guest he won the oscar for best actor and got a haircut which he needed, he really needed. his very unusual new project sounds like a horror movie but it isn't. "a ghost story" opens in select cities on july 7th. please welcome casey affleck. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ how are you doing? i haven't seen you since the oscars. and you look -- you look better without all that horrible hair. >> you think so? you mentioned it earlier. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it takes me a year to grow a single whisker. so once i had it i was holding on to it. i was actually shooting something at the time, so i had to have it. you kept yours, though, just for appearances.

>> jimmy: i can grow mine overnight if i want to. i actually shaved this morning and it's become already. how are you doing? >> everything's great. >> jimmy: has it changed your life being the oscar winner for best actor? >> no, not really. nothing changes. it was a terrifying experience. >> jimmy: it seemed like you had nothing planned when you got up there. >> yeah. no. >> jimmy: is it true? >> that's true. i mean, you know, to be honest, i can't remember what i said. i can't -- and i'm glad because i have a feeling that if i did remember or i watched it again i'd be very embarrassed. >> jimmy: oh, you've not watched it. >> i haven't watched it. >> jimmy: i can understand that. i do remember basically what happened. so i'll fill you in. [ laughter ] you did thank your brother ben, which was good because you totally forgot him at the golden globes. >> he complained the most. so he got thanked. >> jimmy: you gave him a very -- you were very nice to him. you did neglect to thank your kids, your sons. >> thank you. >> jimmy: so that was bad. [ laughter ] or was that bad? >> that was terrible. i immediately realized i hadn't done that. that was a shame. i feel a little like peter. i wanted to make my speech

again. >> jimmy: the kid -- >> yeah, the high school kid. that was a brilliant speech, by the way. >> jimmy: go ahead, make your speech if you want to. [ cheers and applause ] come on, peter. >> the thing is -- i'm going to kill you. [ laughter ] the thing i wanted to say really was that i'm not going to make the speech but what i wish i had said was to my kids because they are kind of -- you know, it's the reason you do anything. and they're the most important thing in your life. i also -- afterward i thought about how it was -- how they perceived it, dad up there on tv at this fancy show and what is he doing there. you know what i mean? >> jimmy: yeah. >> which is a good question kind of. i just want -- i probably did want to tell them that like there were many, many years in there, thousands of auditions i didn't get, many parts i did get and they sucked. and no one liked them. and then you get -- so it wasn't

always been trophies, you know. and there will be many more decades of struggling and doing bad movies and not getting parts again. >> jimmy: is that the plan? [ laughter ] >> yes. that's the plan. >> jimmy: and the kids -- >> i wanted to lecture my kids. that's what i really wish i had done with my time, is get up and lecture my kids. >> jimmy: it's probably better. they probably got off easy. did you call them afterwards? >> i called them immediately. i went into the wings, i called them up and i said i won this thing, the oscars, but i didn't mention you even though you are the most important thing in my life and i love you more than anything and i would trade a thousand oscars for you guys. and i still felt bad. so i went home right after and i gave them the oscar. which i thought was like -- they would like. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and a few weeks later, this is true. i went into one of their rooms and i saw it actually in the corner with like a wet towel over it and like clothes and stuff. and i was like, you know what, i'm going to hang on to it, guys.

[ laughter ] still yours. i'm going to hang on to it. [ applause ] >> jimmy: were the boys watching at the time? >> they were watching i'm sure. >> jimmy: yes. >> waiting for their -- >> jimmy: waiting for dad to thank them. >> like thanks, boys. >> jimmy: that's good incentive for your next oscar campaign. you've got to thank the kids this time. >> you know, you did a great job. i'm sure you heard this before. not just hosting it but i mean -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks, guys. >> not that great. >> jimmy: that's what your kids told me. they called me and said you were the best one on the show. [ laughter ] >> that's funny because they don't watch the program. [ laughter ] they said -- >> jimmy: and yet they still called. >> can i finish? i'd like to finish my story. they told me that -- no, they didn't tell me. you were sitting right behind me at the end of the show when it kind of went sideways a little bit. you were the very first person -- because you were sitting behind me. i heard you say "this isn't good." and i thought why is jimmy -- what's he talking about? before i realized, before anyone realized that something weird

happened. and you jumped right up. most people i think would probably try to stay away from a situation like that. you leapt right into the spotlight to try to help figure things out. >> jimmy: i'm like a first responder. you're saying i'm a hero. is that what you're saying? [ cheers and applause ] wow, thank you. i didn't realize what a hero i am. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i like to be in the middle of an uncomfortable situation. [ laughter ] by the way, i found out something about you that -- >> uh-oh. >> jimmy: i could ask you a million questions about. you play on an adult league baseball team like fast pitch baseball. >> yeah. >> jimmy: how long have you been doing that? >> about ten years. >> jimmy: is it like an actors league or -- >> no. it's not. not an actors league. [ laughter ] you're trying to put it down a little bit. >> jimmy: no. >> there are a couple actors on the team. it's not an actors league. >> jimmy: so you're just in a regular league baseball league. not softball but baseball. >> no. like hardball. >> jimmy: what position do you play? >> i play third base. yeah, we play a team and we win sometimes, we lose sometimes. i actually ran into a couple guys today, i was at -- in the

valley and i was at a deli and i went in there and i was waiting for my food. some came guy came up to me and said hey -- the name of my team is the love. >> jimmy: the love? >> yeah. the love. you're going to say something? >> jimmy: the love. yeah. >> he goes, you play on the love. and i was ordering my lunch. i thought like, yeah, i play on the baseball team. he said we're on the brooklyns. which is kind of a worse name than ours. >> jimmy: yeah. >> kind of. kind of. he goes, yeah, we played you guys a few weeks go. he goes, my son's on the team, i wasn't there, but you gave us a beating. which we did. he says, my son comes on, he pitched. he goes, we lost that one, we got killed, but i struck out casey affleck twice, so that's okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: people target you? >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's why you should be in an all actors league. you won't get singled out. just regular groups of guys? >> yeah. regular guys. >> jimmy: yeah. wow. i like that. >> i'm kind of a regular guy too.

we can be regular guys. >> jimmy: what's your batting average? do you keep track of it? >> oh, easy .100. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. .100. that's remarkable. we're going to take a break. we come back, i want to talk about this movie because first of all, i thought it was great. secondly, it's a very, very weird movie. casey affleck is here with us. we'll be right back. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by kfc. it's finger lickin' good. terrible news. ern] ie you have...bug eyes! here come the bugs! ahh! bugs everywhere! uh oh, this little buggy got a lasagna.

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♪ ♪

>> jimmy: that person in that sheet is casey affleck in "a ghost story." and let me just say, i know that clip looks ridiculous when we show it out of context. >> i wouldn't say that. >> jimmy: i think the audience was stifling laughter just to be polite to casey. yes? [ laughter ] >> you don't have to say yes just because it's jimmy. >> jimmy: but it is real -- i thought it was such an interesting movie and a really good movie too. >> yeah. i'm not in the sheet the whole time. i'm in the sheet a lot of the time. and i'll tell you, if you're going to put one of your characters in a sheet most of the time you'd better have a very, very good interesting other actor in the movie. and rooney mara's in it. and she's amazing. she carries the movie really. [ applause ] >> jimmy: i won't give any of it away. but can you give -- how do you explain what people might see? or do you even bother to explain what -- >> i try not to explain. but i die at some point and then i return as a ghost and the way

they show me as a ghost is by wearing the sheet. >> jimmy: whose idea was it to do the charlie brown style ghost as a ghost? >> i thought that was your idea. >> jimmy: it was not my idea. but it really -- it seems silly but it really does work. >> it's a weird kind of striking image. i know it seems like a halloween costume. but it's kind of beautiful in a way. david lowry is the director and it's really his whole -- >> jimmy: he did a great job with this. he really did. by the way, you brought a guest here tonight. i want to quickly give a little mention to. before we see this guest tonight, tell us who he is and why he's here. >> i was recently in a -- a couple days ago i was in a car accident. it's the first car accident i've ever been in in my life. >> jimmy: congrats. >> thank you. [ laughter ] and one of the officers on the scene -- i'm okay. i'm fine. thanks. and officer bivens showed up there and he was -- he responded. he was amazing. he took care of the situation.

>> jimmy: now he's here tonight. >> there's. >> jimmy: there's officer bivens. [ cheers and applause ] why -- are you guys traveling everywhere together now? >> yeah. no. i thought it would be nice to have him along. he makes me feel comfortable now in scary situations. [ laughter ] he's there and i know everything is okay. >> jimmy: were you surprised that it was casey in the car? >> at first i knew it was somebody who was famous but i didn't -- [ laughter ] i couldn't put my finger on it. so i had to google him later. [ laughter ] i told them afterwards, this guy's really famous. [ applause ] >> we're not going anywhere else together now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, i hope you guys enjoyed your last public appearance together. [ laughter ] well, there you go. a lot of people will bring like their parents and stuff to the show. you brought your police officer. >> yes, sir. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: casey affleck, everybody. "a ghost story" opens july 7th. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]

♪

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it sounds absolutely ridiculous. >> real dumb, yeah. >> jimmy: and i'll tell you, i'll be totally honest with you, i heard this announcement, abc was going to do this show, it was before you were mentioned in it. i thought, that un [ laughter ] a show with a dog that's thinking aloud. it sounds like a commercial or something like that. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and then i happened to be sitting in front of the tv over the weekend. they were rerunning the show. and i was like -- i yelled at my wife to come in. i was like, this show is hilarious. did you feel the same way when they -- >> was i skeptical? absolutely. yeah. i was -- yes. i was extremely nervous. i was actually on set for "the house," which i shot with amy poehler and will ferrell. i was sitting next to amy and she was like, how's it going, allison? and i said i just got an e-mail from my agent about a show and the main character's a talk dog. and she was like, yikes. [ laughter ] she was very sympathetic. >> jimmy: and that reaction --

>> i was like, i knew it. amy poehler has confirmed -- >> jimmy: how did they convince you that this would not be -- >> well, the script was helpful. the script was immediately funny and really smart. and then there were shorts that existed before our show existed. so i got to go see the shorts and the tone is really important. in any talking dog show. [ laughter ] tone is really essential. >> jimmy: where did you find a talking dog? that's amazing. [ laughter ] >> i know. you'd think that would be the hard part, right? no, our dog, who sorry to say does not actually talk -- >> jimmy: well, you've ruined the show now for everyone. >> good night, everybody. no, his name is ned. and he plays martin, my dog, in the show. yes, his character's name is different from his actual name. much like mine. he's an actor. but he was a rescue out of chicago, actually. he was a very recent like rescue dog. he's a mutt. they wanted a mutt and a rescue for -- [ applause ]

thank you. right? >> jimmy: i should point out allison did not actually rescue the dog. [ laughter ] they just hired the dog is what happened. >> i've never liked you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i just want to keep everybody on a level reasonable surface because we are talking about a talking dog. did you like have screen tests with different dogs? >> they actually -- they cast based on photos of the dogs, and i think they had three different dogs that they like scooped up out of shelters and then chose ned and then found, you know, homes for the other two. >> jimmy: did they really find homes? >> which they don't do for actors, by the way. if you're not hired -- like if you're on hold for something and then they don't hire you they don't find you another job. >> jimmy: so in a way the dogs are being treated even better than people. >> they're for sure being treated better than people. absolutely. >> jimmy: does the dog have like a stunt dog that stands in for

-- does ned -- >> well, not yet. not a stunt dog. because luckily it's just a dog who has to like walk around and lay down. he doesn't have to jump off helicopters or anything. but he has a stand-in we use whenever we're lighting anything, like between scenes t air-conditioned car. [ laughter ] he really does. because if it gets too hot he pants and then we have to cut because he's like ah, ah, ah. we can't be like ned, cool it, we have to get the shot before lunch. [ laughter ] we have to keep him like cool all the time. >> jimmy: i didn't realize it was so complicated. >> it is complicated. anytime you're working with something that is not complicit in your storytelling and you can't be just like please, i just want to go home. manage the situation. we have a stuffed animal that is like his size that stands in whenever we're doing lighting and things like that. >> jimmy: does it look like ned? is it like -- >> he hates it. >> jimmy: oh, he does. >> yes. he's like the chillest dog.

he's so chill. but this stuffed animal version of him just really angers him. [ laughter ] like we have to remove it from set before he -- >> jimmy: he'll attack it and everything? >> he'll singularly pursue it. he's ripped the ear off of it at one point in time. is it has to be taken away before -- >> jimmy: does he feel like it's a threat to his paycheck or something? >> i don't know. i know. i'm not that way with my stand-in. >> jimmy: do you socialize with ned off camera? >> we -- you know, i wish i could more. but we did -- you know, we went to a white sox game together. in chicago. [ cheers ] thank you. hey, chicago. we went and did like dog days together, he and i and lucas neff. which we was really -- we were worried about -- he's a rescue so, it still is very like oh, hello all of the attention. it's like a lot. it's just a lot. so we were worried about the crowds and all the people.

and it was dog days. there were all these other dogs there. but turns out we should have been concerned about the mascot, which is just a giant stuffed animal. which is like his living nightmare. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> so we were like taking press photos on the field and then southpaw came out and was like, "hey puppy" or whatever. and he was like, i want to kill you! [ laughter ] rrrr. >> jimmy: was that the end of the game for ned? >> yeah. we were like we've got to go. we're going to -- >> jimmy: it would be fun if you brought ned around to the various stadiums and had him attack their mascots. i think it would be really good publicity for the show. >> it would be great. he would be happy for sure. >> jimmy: well, again, i want to say i know the show sounds -- it's not a yoga show. >> there's zero yoga in it. 100% dog. >> jimmy: no yoga at all. it's "downward dog." it airs tuesday nights at 8:00 here on abc. allison tolman, everybody. we'll be right back with chris charpentier. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ 60% of women are wearing the wrong size pad and...

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>> dicky: if you're going to be in the l.a. area and want to see the show call 866-jimmy-tix or go to jimmykimmellive.com. >> dicky: on july 7th, 8th and 9th go to jimmykimmellivemusic.com to see live streaming performances and behind-the-scenes interviews from artists like big sean, dnc and steve aoki at summerfest presented by american family insurance. go to jimmykimmellivemusic.com and sign up now.

>> jimmy: our next guest is headlining denver comedy works on august 2nd and 5th. and you can see him on television. right now please welcome chris charpentier. [ cheers and applause ] >> hello. hello. thank you so much for having me. this is a real treat. i will make with the funny in just a second. but first i've got to ask you guys something. do you find it annoying when someone gives themselves their own nickname? yeah? what about someone who refers to themselves in the third person? yeah? okay. well, daddy does both. [ laughter ] you're just going to have to

deal with it. that's right. this happened to daddy on the way down this evening. [ laughter ] i stopped to get a pack of cigarettes and the guy behind the counter asked me for my i.d. look, i understand i don't look 34 years old. which i am. but i think it's pretty clear i'm old enough to buy cigarettes. you know? i've been doing that for a long time. so i was like, whatever. and i gave the guy my i.d. and he turned around to get the cigarettes. and while i was doing that i looked down on the counter. and there's one of those little signs, get ready we're going to i.d. you. and on there was a picture of a little kid with a fake mustache. [ laughter ] can't get too mad. right? he's just doing his job. and that's fine. that's fine. i have a feeling, though, that he didn't i.d. me because of the mustache. i think he i.d.'d me because of my height. that's a little more realistic. i'm a little dude. i'm only 5'5". which is short. and i know that's short. because someone tells me every day.

[ laughter ] just how short that that is. so i've become used to it. i'll admit, if i saw some of the things that i go through, if i could see them from another person's perspective, i'm sure i'd laugh. you know? sometimes i have to get on my tiptoes to use the urinal. that's funny. [ laughter ] that is funny. any job that i have where i was just looked like i was going trick-or-treating year-round. [ laughter ] i get it. i get it. not always. definitely not always. but sometimes when i take a poop my feet will fall asleep because they've been dangl long. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] yeah. so i get it. i get it.rstand why people maken of me. but it's not fair to make fun of me for being short because you don't know what i'm working with. okay? that's right. i'm serious now. my mom, 5'1". my dad, 5'2". yeah. so me getting to 5'5", i think i

did pretty damn good for myself. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. a lot of hard work went into it. a lot of sleepless nights. you know? and imagine too if i didn't do all the things they say stunt your growth. drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes. doing drugs. i did all that stuff a bunch. you know what i'm saying? imagine if i didn't do that stuff. i'd be a freak. [ laughter ] i'd be like 5'7". [ laughter ] almost normal. that's great. and it's not just my height. like technically by age i am a man but i've never felt that way. i never have. and i think the reason, the real reason why is because my main example of a man, my father, by the time that he was my age he owned a home, he had started his own business and he had three children. maybe if he wasn't so busy he could have taught me how to do

any one of those things. that would have been nice. [ laughter ] all right. i think we've had enough fun talking about silly stuff.maers. my hair. [ laughter ] it's perfect, isn't it? let's talk about it. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. thank you. it's thick. it's luscious. for sure. i don't even use a pillow anymore. i just -- [ laughter ] the best sleep of my life. truly. i talk about it all the time. on stage and off. because i know it's the be and i was doing a show a couple weeks ago in omaha, nebraska and a guy came up to me after the show and was like, "your hair's not that nice." and i said, what? excuse me? would you like to run your fingers through it? he's gay now. pretty good head of hair. thank you guys so much. i really appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much.

very funny. chris charpentier, everybody. do you mind?tt gay now. i want to thank my guests and apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next. thanks for watching. good night! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪

this is "nightline." >> cy of ghosts. citizen journalists inside a stronghold of isis-controlled territory in syria. back with c. risking their lives to document what they call the silent slaughter of. their work making them enemies of the terrorist group. >> they suffer immensely for what they've done. they've lost colleagues. they've lost family>> why they backing down. >> either we will win or they your favorite f us. song ♪ >> the man who launched the career of "k45i7bd to the rhythm" singer katy perry. >> she walked in and immediately i thought this girl ace star. m instrument of change, working