hey, hey, you're going to pay for this! >> okay ferris. >> stop calling me ferris! >> sorry, ferris. >> okay ferris. >> i'm trying to enjoy my day off! it's "jimmy kimmel live" from brooklyn! david letterman and music fromrmony.le home mini. and now, what's your problem,

>> that's very nice. welcome, brooklyn. ching at home. wear on the road beaming into your heads from the howard gillman opera house at the brooklyn academy of music in brooklyn, new york.[ cheers and applause ] plean o sit. thank you very much. was there enough bike parking for everyone here tonight? this is our third time broadcasting from brooklyn. [ cheers and applause ]n last but a lot has were here 2015. bed-stuy is the ticket $5ac i now.oi tofarella level is.375 rht nights in a row. yesterday, she's 3 y if sh [ chrs aindow ope d, it ] ers.

every time we come line something weird happens. >> breaking news out of prospect park, brooklyn. a cow is on th the cow is near aere. >> a in l.a. we go through a similar thing every out of h this cow slaughterhouse the only one that hasn't been converted into an art a field which parents you is the worst place world to they h it, took two hours to get ahold of this baby bull. the police were able to wrangle bull was arrested and charged with endangerment guys might be going overboard with the farm to table thing. the bull will not end up under a slice of m they have a policy where if an animal escapes a slaughterhouse, it g [ cheers and applause ] the bull is being sent rehabilitation facility for

misbehaving cows. bad news it's also where they sent harvey oh is it too soon? i'm not sure if it's too soon yet. we have a great show for you. a man i admire intensely, david letters he david letter i don't knthis, david letterman is to me whae. if d that i am he is here tonight, he wo circumstances be here if that isn't enough, and by god, don't you think it ought to be, sitting in with cleto and the cletones all week, mr. paul shaffer! [ cheers and applause ] >> thajimm cletones be rocking.ith my:h us, paul. oualso we have music from fifth harmony.'re jim >> illermo! we kn ♪ >> jim now i understand what's goin on.g . yeahank you.le bit drunk. >> hi, everybody!

[ cheers and applause ]illermo.what they call a brooklyn it >> nt. >> jimmy: it looksody. >> hi, everybody! >> jimmy: as you know, brooklyn is home to many great cooks and nsld's est maker of fortune alled ton food, they're based in brooklyn.nd city. i happen to love a good fortune cookie so we took fi to to learn how they put those cookies and to maybe write a few of our own. ♪ >> this is the place? >> jimmy: yeah. let's check this out. >> nice meet >> did you carry him all theway? >> jimmy:e exhausted. >> jimmy: how do i look?ook good too. ♪kies>>od floor. >> jimmy: these are them? >> these are them. er the batter goes e baked and then here is packing part of it -- >> jimmy: when you say they get baked, these people are high? >> i meant the cookies. >> jimmy: the cookies themselves.

>> jimmy: how manys are in one of these rolls? >> 4,000. >> jimmy: 4,000 fortunes in here. >> you write everything? >> i didn't write every one of them, no. >> jimmy: do people who are gluten free ever just buy the roll? >> no. itself. >> jimmy: we're going to make a lot of money you and i. i would love to help but i know guille help write some fortunes. >> that would be great. >> jimmy: then you need to meet the vetting committee. >> jimmy: this vetting committee, does it have to be unanimous? >> yes. it does. it's a health process. >> ladies and guys or just guys?es we'll do good.ah, especially in these hats. this is where you write the fortunes? >> this is where we write the fortunes.t as magical as i imagined. >> a tiny office. >> little tiny office. little desk. >> jimmy: this is where it's actually qui poet effect you think about life. and the flight of the american worker. you know what i'm saying? >> i'll give you guys a little time. >> jimmy: here's a little time, we'll work on it.

>> i'll come back and check on you guys. >> jimmy: thank you. we'll ge i can't think of anything. what are you >> i put money is not everything but you can buy a lot of expensive things. is that good? >> jimmy: it is, yeah. iteally good. i'm going to write it almoney is not everything. >> that's not che>> jimmy: hat was give me another one. >> i have another one. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> mexic [ laughter than chinese food. >> swhat >> jimmy: almost. but not exactly. i have a period seching us. what about this? >> that's a good one. >> jimmy: there's fried rice in your goatee. >> fortu you might get a good one or you may not. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i liket too. >> jimmy: if you read this out loud, you will get syphili >> wow, that's a good one. >> jimmy: yeah, thank you. >> so how are you doing? >> jimmy: i think we're doing well. we wrote a bunch of them. i feel like the vettin committee will love them.ould be great if wment from yo

the commitbefore we start. >> definitely. >> jimmy: great. he introduct let's do it.really nervous right now. >> me too. >> i'm the last member of the committee. >> jimmy: you're the vetting >> bitch.friend guillermo. he will begin with my first idea. >> my first idea.>> jimmy: that's what i said.read it. co plickens hav die before you peo [ laughter ] we even lost alice on that one. >> zero. >> jimmy: go ahead, guillerm they're not fresh. [ laughter ] that's a no? all right. you will soon be coming into largcoupon one thumbs? you will fa lucky numbe13, 18, 27, 9. all thumsomew! yeah! thank you very much, thankk >> jimmy: i think maybe we should have a tequila shot >>quila. >> jimmy: i happ

>> all right, let's do it! >> jimmy: how do you say cheers in chinese? [ toasting in chinese ] >> jimmy peoplse fortune cookies, were. >> jimmy: thank you. and rew opportunfor you.at's >> jimmy: >> ye cond applause ] >> jimmy: the one me the bus shows up. thanks toryone harm'll be right [ cheers and applause ] ♪ it's exactly what i asked for. let out your inner childus december to remember sales event.o for $299 a m experience amazing at your lexus dealer.

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that is the world's most dangerous bandleader er, cleto and the cletones all this week. this is night two of paul's "mini-residency" with us. >> a mini resideket like britney spears. >> call me britney now on. >> jimmy: i'll do that, thank you, britney.le album. it's called fifth harmony and so are they. fifth harmony, live from the title x benefit concert center treet at barclays center --morrow night, howard stern will be here. ca tracy morganrprise or two along the way.'s tim show hosars ago, our first guest left us to fend for ourselve ae.nned [ cheers and applause ]

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> welcome. thank you. >> jimmy: thank you fo >> i'm so excited to be here. it's so goofamous people laughter ] just to be out of the house, ladies and gentlemen! and paul, you didn't tell me you work h >> i was afraid to tell you. >> when in the heck did that happen? >> thank you. >> jimmy: that's britney, he goes by britney now. >> that's what i understand. hodoing, and thank you, and thank you everybody. it's very nice. [ cheers and applause ] i'm doing well. >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> i'll tell you something laughing on the outside, crying on the inside. i don't know if you've had this problem for a year. i have been looking high and i am determi that looks good untucked. i ca. webs

>> couthe late show"? or is this something you had to go out and get on your [ laughter ] can i talk to you, jimmy? talk. >> you know me, i'm a celebrit [ laughter ] and when stuff happens, just to give you an example, i'll start slow. many it's, many, many years ago my niece got married. e getting married, you want like a big thing and a honeymoon and a rehearsal dinner and all that crap, and presents. so i thought long anrd and said i have to get big impressive presents because i ame top star of the day. [ laughter ]nd you get a set of tires. and you wrap them up vidually so you have four enormous gifts. and they're tires. so i thought, well, this is fantastic. my work is done here.

wh they ? think one time, because you're in show business and you would get the joke, i s. >> jimmy: i didn't take it as a joke, the ties tha beauty. that one shouldn't have gone out. that's a beauty. >> jimmy: i will give this back to you. you sent me a few days after you left "the late show," a box of what appeared to be all of yourtiesect. >> jimmy: i was quite delighted by that. >> that's how it's supposed to work. >> jimmy: i still am delighted. >> and one time my agent's son ving a bar mitzvah, sent carton of cigarettes. [ laughtmy: great gift. >> it's only a joke. we all understand that. you understand it. the kid understood it. everybody diired or i retire >> jimmy: okay. >> all a blur now. and people were mindlessly saying nice things about me. you were effusive. >> jimmy: yes, yes. >> by the way, for the purpose of this conversation, have nothing but the highest regard for all the talk show women, even'll include him. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's nice. yeah. >> so people were saying nice

things so i sent you the ties. and conan o'brien, who is like some sort of god on mt. olympus. he runs around telling people he went to harvard. we don't know. so he goes on my old show, the stephen colbert show. >> jimmy: on friday. >> he wrote something that was just beautiful. do you remember that? >> the thing conan wrote for you? >> yeah. >> no, i don't remember it. [ laughter ] [ applause ]ee thi tonight on jimmy's show, he is talking to an aging vague vagrant. >> the viewer guide will say that. >> thaanyway, conan.s the t opportunity to send a [ bleep ] show business gift. o? i'll send him a horse. in hollywood livestock and stuff for shows, things like that. and i get a couple of cowboys and i'll send him out a horse.

and the idea will be that he'll have the horse on the show and the horse will take a dump on the show and it will be hilarious. isn' >> jim send someone a horse. yeah. >> so like two or three days gs have gone terribly wrong. i get this lovely letter from conan saying, my wife loves the horse and she is going to keep the horse be. are you jewish?er >> no. >> one guy, so now i'm screwed because i was counting on him returning the horse and i'd get my money back. [ laughter ]return a horse? a terr. so i don't hear anything about it until conan shows up on the "lhat i to be on10 kolber. and now he's lost his mind. did you see it?my: i did. i watch >> was he like a crazy man? >> jimmy: not only did i see it but he complained to me personal- >> that's none of your business why would he complain to you? >> jimmy: about the horse. >> like it's my fault? >> jimmy: well, you did send him the horse in all fairness.

>> it was a joke. take a dump on the stage. load him up and get him back. [ laughter ] that's what it was. >> jimmy: you don't think the horse knewsed so now i didn't see it. but from what inferpeople arewill and thing happened. maybe it's being around conan all >> jimmy: the horse is said to be unrideable. >> of course he is unrideable. all he had to do was take a dump on the stage. now he' there may be litigation. and maybe i'll get a call from peta. and apparenthis part? >> jimmy: the horse broke into his mansion? that i dhear. >> a was kicked in the head.really. no good. >> no, that's no good. so if you run into conan, it was supposed to be a joke. how crazy can the horse be? y. i don't want to defend conan. bottom line -- >> it sounds like you are defending him. >> jimmy: bottom line you sent me the better gift is what i'm sayi it is not kickin head. [ cheers and applause ]>> for the

s had sent you the horse, there would be none of this "my wife loves it, we're keeping the has a half achor in studio ci where is he going to keep the damn horse? >> jimmy: i think that's the question he was asking too. >> the point is no good deed goes unpunished. >> jimmy: and also when in doubt, an edible arrangement is a nice gift. [ applause ] for when you're on "the tonight show."" david letterman is with us. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hris) the very first time i met bruce i saw on his lapel he's got a purple heart. (bruce) we started talking about the service. i outrank him. (chris) [laughs] yeah. on wheels reaches so many people. it's impactful beyond anything i've ever his s a lot to me. (vo) through the subaru share the love event, we've helped deliver over one-point- seves to those in get subaru and we'll donate (chris and bruce) ♪ put a little love in your heart. ♪ what is that? the google pixel 2. what can it do? a lot. can it tell me when to leave?

yes, now. and the fastest way there? can it take a selfie just by saying take a selfie? yep. take a selfie. what happens if i snap this? it gives you info. what happens if i snap her? she likes it. do i still have to sit here for ages? no, it charges in fifteen minutes. will it ever do this? never. what happens if i squeez try it. google pixel 2: "hi, i'm your google assistant." "how can i help?" hello. so...it's a phone? well it's a phone by google. ♪♪ toasting dad: i'm not one for speeches. but here to many more years of fri to presents! a mi familia que lo es todo. to being right here, right now, with you. sfx: dog bark. and you. toasting dad: i guess what i'm trying to say is here's to family. we're proud to bring your family amazing value every day. t.j. maxx. marshal

>> jimmy: paul shaffer with the band, david letterman is in the guest chair. >> that's for you, dave. >> thank you, paul. >> my old >> again, i'm here but everybody here used to work for me. very, very strange. how did i end up without a show? >> jimmy: you're more than

>> nono no. >> jimmy: you have a show now. >> then no one would have a -- well, we would be down to jimmy. >> jimmy: tell me about the netflix show if you would. will there be a studio audience for the show? >> these are good qution >> do you know what they do?you have a movie you like? what a you like? >> jimmy: "spider-man." >> so you call them up. they got a warehouse somewhere. and somebody goes through and they find "spider-man." they get the disk put it in an envelope with your name on the son o >> jimmy: netflix isn't doing that anymore. >> they're not?my: there's a whole new wi-fi -- >> oh. i don't know anything about that. it increases the possibility of electric cution in your own home. >> jimmy: do you have a title for the show? >> no. but we're looking for interesting guests. >> jimmy: looking for guests yes. i heard you asked howard stern to be a guest. >> yeah, i think he would be good. don't you think? >> jimmy: i think he'd be great. >> the thing i like ab he seems to be nervous about it.

and any time you can get howard rvous, i think yng. >> jimmy: you mentioned you would welcome donald trump and the pope, and pope francis on the show. would that be together, or would that be separate? >> i'll tell you w you know the commercial where saws a row boat in half? then he, with someind of sealant, he puts it back together? >> jimmy: you got him? >> we got his brother. >> jimmy: his brother, that's big. >> we're all set to go. >> jimmy: this mark twain prize that's happening at the kennedy are you feeling more comfortable now accepting accolades? >> no, no, it is a fixed fight. they have to have somebody show up and i'm not doing anything.aid i'll be there. and by the way, thank you for your participation. >> jimmy: thank you for asking me. i would have been devastated if you hadn't. i almost feel like you asked me because you knew how upset i would be if i were excluded from this event. >> that's true. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you're not thinking about leaving, right? thisevtutwor, re

. >> yeah. >> jimmy: >> howyears. it will be [ cheers and a i wouldn't think it's time to ht where you want to be now. >> jimmy: i guess so. you miss it? i miss wearing makeup. that's the best. do you band and we get to wear makeup and play music.up >> the old band feels seeing you up there with new guys? >> absolutely pissed.er ] yo feel you entirely person. >> jimmy: in what way? >> which is good t god, because the great struggle in life is to be better each and every day. and if you take a d the horizon of humanity, is there anything we can do big or mak person a little bit better? and thatl accomplishment. [ cheers i'm profiling for you fede after bein >> jimmy: retired. willingly retired. there was a whole thing. there was a show and everyone paid tribute. >> oh, that's right. >> jimmy: have you ever seen any of that? sense you left? >> no. >> have you seen yourself on

television? >> no. >> jimmy: if it came on would you turn -- >> i'm not going to watch this show tonight. [ laughter ] not because of you. >> jimmy: no i understand. >> because of me. do you watch yourself on tv? >> jimmy: never, ever, ever. when i see myself, i change the channel. >> it's too awkwar i was in colorado and i'm lost. hopelessly lost. a coffee shop.ee shop. it's like beans and things or whatever they call it. [ light so i remember seei drive from the airport so i know i'm in the genery of so i walk in. i'm not wearinut i'm clothed.hter ] and i know i bring this on myself because of the beard.have a beard yourself. the time about shaving? >> jimmy: no, they like mine. [ laughter ]

[ applause ] >> jimmy: it's kempt. >> i loo statue. i know. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: there's talk you might get removed. >> i was, i have been removed. i heard that, paul, it's not funny. so i go into the sto i' she sahe that se n some happy to. so she writes it out. go down here it's going street, turn right on anderson street. then you go to deep valley or some colorado name.then you go to pine valley. all the wa so i'm looking at them. she's got lights and speed limits. a wonderful bit of diagramming. and a lovely young woman. and i said this is fantastic. thank you. you've saved my life. and i said how long will this take me to get there? and she looks at me.

and i'm like this, more or less. and she says, are you walking? [ laughter ] yeah. i'm walking. i'm walking to the airport. >> jimmy: dave, i am so grateful for you being here tonight. i do have something for you. >> oh please. >> jimmy: i have a little something for you. >> no no don't do this. >> jimmy: it became available today. >> i don't want it. >> jimmy: we have it o >> i don't want it. >> jimmy: i think you'll like it's a baby bull. we found it walking around. >> jimmy: what is it? >> a baby bull. he's been wandering brooklyn and now he's all yours. >> i'll take it. i'll take it. >> jimmy: david letterman. [ cheers and applause ] >> i take the p ] bull. do i leave now? we'll let paul play first. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" brought to you by

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you want my bread? >> there's plenty of bread. e before google home >> what's wr way to cone 90 island is to the m strain. >> it doesn't go to coney

island it's the r, you take the r. >> i've been taking the m since you were born. >> i've been taking the r since you were born. >> you're both wrong. you take the q. the q goes from flat bush to coney island. >> why don't you stay out of it! >> you're upsetting your grandmother! >> listen to me! >> i was right about the m train then and i'm still right now. >> you are right and you are wrong, that's different from right, you don't know different from wrong. >> jimmy: wrong is different from right. >> you don't know your ass from your elbow. >> jimmy: there's no point fighting. we can ask an expert. google, how many subway stations are located in brooklyn? >> according to wikipedia, there are 170 new yo stations in brooklyn. >> jimmy: and she did that rsing or yelling or anything. very quietly. hey, google, what train do you takebush to coney island? >> the from flatbush to cone 90 i train is q departinat 10:20 p.m. -- q?immy: i to youhe >> you're right. >> jimmy: i said the q.

>> big deal. >> jimmy: can we please be quiet and eat? >> i've been eating. >> hey, can i borrow that? >> jimmy: do you have wi-fi in 1978? >> i don't know.elea wi-fi was invented and first >> [ bleep >> you got some mouth! go wash our uth ou >> i can't bely talk like . >> dicky: google mi assistant. ask it qu things. a littl goog [ cheers a e ] google home mini. e assistant fo so it gets you. if you mumble... (miniorish) it gets you. his: add worcestershire sauce to my cart. it still gh: ok addin and if you're like: hey google, play my love playlist. (truly madly deeply by savage garden plays) oh really? play my love playlist.(pony - ginuwine plays) oh yeah. it also knows the difference between you and him. it's google home mini, and the rest of the google home family. do you always put cheez-it grooves in your sandwich? of course! they're chips. chips...plus sandwich: equals the perfect lunch. ooooh...don't forget the pickle. it's kind of a big drooves. ch dang right

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>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. music from fifth harmony is on the way. we've got -- oh my goodness. what's going on over here? excuse me.ir. what are you doing? >> where is my bus? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: where are you going? >> i'm just sitting here r a >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> i heard you were in brooklyn. >> jimmy: i am in brooklyn. >> and i'm going to be a few blocks away. tonight at the barclay center. under the title x. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the benefit concert. raising money in support of puerto rico and the various victims of the various hurricanes.that's a beautiful thing to do. is this real, you read?p? >> i tell you, if they would spend as much timeat i can do than what i can't, aise m [ cheers and applause ]s

>> j-z i je l op a lot of o >> jennifer lopez.going to do a few songs.djyoleu d ise ppeerforming thee sh show.is is going to be some sw.tdience -- e -- >> jimmy: probably not possible. >> no, no, n i brought enough tickets for the entire audie wonde taking everyone ienc stevie wonder, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] >> god bless you. >> jimmy: and god bless you. we'll be right back with fifth harmony! >> dicky: rooklyn on

new charmin ultra soft! it's s char mi and it's san ever... so it's harder to resist weird. we all go, why not enjoy the go with charmin? >> dicky: music in brooklyn on jimmy kimmel live is brought t the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i don't know what to say. david letterman and stevie wonder on one show. i might as well retire. it will never get better than this. thank you so much, stevie.

stevie is taking the whole audience to the title x show. [ cheers and applause ] i'd like to thank david letterman and matthew broderick and apologies to ran out of time. "nightline" is next. but first this is their self-titled album. here with the song "he like that" from the tidal x show at barclays center fifth harmony! ♪ ♪ ♪ mmm pumps and a bump pumps and a bump ♪ ♪ you got that good boy attitude and yeah i kind like it ♪ tats on got a bad girl excited ♪ ♪ you put that bass i won't you beat it up ♪ ♪ inside it i got that pumps and a bump ♪ ♪ and you know you wanna try it pumps and a bump ♪ ♪ pumps and a bump he like the girls with the pumps and a pumps and a bump pumps and a bump i be that girl ♪ ♪ with the pumpa bu li bomb bomb he ♪ love love i'm like that drug drug drug ♪ when he on it one

ta ♪ bomb b ♪ he like that love love love i'm like that drug ♪ ♪ drug drug he trip when he on it one taste and he want it ♪ ♪ he got th know ♪ ♪ how to hide it he got that dope boy cash but he get it ♪ nine to five-ing he got a thing for them girls ♪ ♪ i k but i still a try it ♪ ♪ pumps and girls with the pumps and a bump ♪♪ pumps and a bump a bump ♪ ♪ i be that girl with the pumps and a bump that bang ♪ang bang he like that bomb bomb bomb ♪ ♪ he like that love love love i'm like that drug ♪ ♪ drug drug he trip when he on ♪ one taste and he want it one taste and he want it he like that bang ♪ ♪ bang like that bo ♪ like that love ♪ ve i'm like that drug ♪ ♪ drug drug iike that drug he trip when he on it ♪ ♪ on it one g he love that bang ♪ he love that bomb bomb bomb t hit and run ♪ ♪ he lose his brain he stupid dumb he stupid dut is some pumps

and a bump pumps and a bump ♪ ♪ he like the pumpand a bump oh ♪ ♪ pumps and a bump you know he wants some wants some ♪ ♪ pumps and a bump i be that girl with the pumps and a bump ♪ ♪ he like that bang bang bang he like that bom ♪ love ♪ i'm lik trip when he on it ♪nt it he ♪ha loveug drug ♪e ste and ♪ ♪ "nightline." >> tonight charlie rose fired. at least eight women now accusing the veteranournalist of sexual harassment. his cbs this cohost expressing >> i am not okay. women cannot achieve equ workplace or in society

unre reckoning. >> and president trump breaking his silence about accused predator alabama senate candidate roy moore. >> what do you say to women? >> roy moore denies it that's all i can say, he denies it. the left to bear arms? meet members of the liberal gun club. hillary and bernie voters packing heat. and while across the aisle their ultra-conservative brother in arms. >> my bernstein and