>> dicky: from hollywood it's “jimmy kimmel live”! tonight y, chloe bennet and music from monica now get ready, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ of love and romance. can you feel the sexual tension in the air guillermo? >> yes of course. >> j

valentine's day wasn't the sex romp you mathimagine it to be. maybe the romp is about to begin, in maybe some sax for the love birds. oh, yeah. that's good. that's very good. you're doingmoment. go back to your spot that's not -- valentine's day is a weird holiday. i'm convinced it does more we have instagram the whole world can resent you.

for romance, also a great time to steal teddy bears. this happened in phoenix, couple teens snatched two over sized bears. might be surprised to hear they didn't plan this out very well. was not an ocean's 11 caper they got a visit from a giant man who came to retrieve the bears. look at this guy. here's the thing there's always three bears. see that. when papa bear showed up. well wisely these guys to surrender the merchandise. and off they went. i love the fact they were willing to steal parts not to run a red light. no valentine's day no religious holiday would be co from t host of the mayut he taught me

something about what women of today really want this year. >> you know what the latest thing is today. it's not flowers. it's not candy. you know what the hottest new gift is? >> it's not flowers or candy, kwant imagine. >> chicken wings. >> no. [ cheers and applause ] >> is it possible he's confusing with the s&p. . from the white house our president donald jennifer trump delivered a special eflz valentine's day message to america. >> i'm opposed to domestic violence and everybody here knows that. totally opposed to domestic violence of any kind. everyone knows that and almost wouldn't have to be said.

now you heard it. thank you very much. >> jimmy: for some reason it does have to be said. become another banner week for team trump but not letting it get them down. last night, kwd cards from your favorite trump administration starting with the president himself who says spank me with a ine. [ cheers and applause ] vice president pence is in the mood too. his card is happy mother this is jefgsf sessions has a card -- pplause ]

special counsel mueller pitched in happy valentine's day i regret to inform you you're under federal investigation. vladimir putin pitched in. he asks who's your vladdy and senator majority leader mitch mcconnell. is your body a preexisting condition because i don't want to be covered. [ cheers and applause ] can download that. meanwhile chief john kelly might be out of a job soon. president trump is deciding to replace hi way he mis-allegations porter saying the president has kfsds in his chief of staff. that's warning one he's definitely fired. i like trump fires them to have cake. john kelly is the guy tha fire omarosa

in december finally we know why, she waso have been abusing e white house car service. they say they used the car service to take her to and from work. which is against the rules. the one rule the white house takes seriously is about don't abuse the car service. wives, you can abuse no problem. car service -- that's where we draw the line [ cheers and applause ] now it's time for multiple choice portion of our show. i'm going to show you a photo of a woman you're going to guess who the woman is. here's the photo. yes the dress is covered in little pictures of the dog she's holding. is this owner of west westminster dog westminster dog answer is --

that's right. georgette moss backer is a 71-year-old socialite and new ambassador to poland. put that photo back up there. that's right. this is ambassador. as global tensions bring us ever closer to conflict with russia know this what many is standing by at the border to come to our diplomatic defense. you know how president trump wants to have this big military parade as predicted it's not going to be cheap. a carding to budget director it would cos $10 million to $30 million don't worry mexico will pay for it. said one hour would be less than five hour parade which makes sense you know what would cost less a no-hour parade [ cheers and applause ] the $30 million you could pay off like 200 different porn stars for that kind of money. you are

heard the latest on stormy daniels. this is the best. president trump's lawyer admitted, he told new york times that he paid stormy daniels $130,000 out of his own pocket, it had nothing to do with trump. he was not reimbursement bursted by the president or the trump campaign. he said he made a private transaction and wouldn't comment on whose privates were transacted transacted. what kind of idiot would believe his lawyer decided to pay a porn star more than $100,000 for no reason they didn't have sex, just decided to give her money. if not for the ad he ran on local tv had makes on sense at all. >> have you never had sex with a porn star than you need a lawyer to give that porn star large amounts of cash not your own cash his own cash.

call the law firm of michael cohn and socio iations he's the leader in giving porn stars money for no reason at all. >> michael gave me $225,000 and i don't even know why. >> you pay nothing. michael cohn pays everything. the law firm of michael cohn and associations most generous/dumb ass lawyers. call 800-dum ass 4 michael's dumb and has a whole lot of money. >> and because of the pay off she may not be bound by their agreement. her manager said everything's off and now going to tell her story. hopefully to me. [ cheers and applause ] hey, if you're a dog lover you may be interested to know which animal won top honors at the

westminster dog club this year. best in show, at the 142nd annual westminster dog show. >> i was hoping it was that one. flynn was the under dog. it's refreshing when the under dog is actually a dog. a bisho hasn't won best in show in many years. it is typically owned by wealthy people with fluffy white hair and tiny eyes and known for total obedience this is the most famous one, his name is mike, he's a very good boy. he really is. congratulations in human athletic pursuits the winter olympic games are under way in

pyeongchang, u.s. has four gold all for snowboarding good thing someone invented snowboarding or we'd be screwed. olympics are not broadcast by this network they're on nbc which means we'rellowed to show you the footage but what wehave done is take clips from youtube and pretend they're from olympicsetter than the expensive olympics. with that highlights from night three of the winter uihlen uihlenyou-lympics you-lympic of the steps >> loo great >> o appreciate it. all right we havat. chloe bennet here and we're with charles barkley. ♪ last night took a l but tonight i bounce back. ♪ what's an l? the rap singer took a loss and now he's ok again. right.

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'sup, world? it's the box with coming at you with my brand-new vlog. just making some ice in my freezer here. so check back for that follow-up vid. this is my cashew guy bruno. holler at 'em, brun. kicking it live and direct here at the fountain. should i go habanero or maui onion? should i buy a chinchilla? comment below. did i mention i save people $620 for switching? chinchilla update -- got that chinchilla after all. say what up, rocco. ♪♪

when you have a cold pain from a headache can make this... ...feel like this. all-in-one cold symptom relief from tylenol® the #1 doctor recommended pain relief brand. [ cheers and applause ]show tonight from chloe bennet is with us and monica will be on the mercedes-benz stage, the new project called drop the beat. s gs ivch submit original songs for her nextin other words you do all the work [ laughter ] and then monica will sing the song i guess brilliant. tomorrow natalie portman and kyrie irving and nick foles will be here. [ cheers and applause ] let me tell you something there's no woman or man i'd rather spend valentine's day day

or with than guest funniest man on television, show is "inside the nba" and can see him all week, please welcome hall of fame charles barkley! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how you doing? >> i'm good. >> jimmy: happy valentine's day. >> glad to be back but you broke my spirit jooz why did i do that. >> you know i had to go upstairs and read the mean tweets. >> jimmy: you have to did it hurt you, were you surprise how'd vicious they were. >> they were kind of funny. i can laugh atut can spirite keyboard only two type of people do that. some loser who is at work who

should be working, and he's worried about me. or some loser sitting in his mother's garage or basement worried about gine very few people when they see you in person have anything negative to say. [ cheers and applause ] >> clearly you've never played in philadelphia before. >> jimmy: i have not. >> shout out to my eagles. >> nick's going to be here tomo did you bet on that game? >> i did. i had a great day. >> jimmy: you did. give me a range, like enough to buy a contributed he okay, i understand. >> well in alabama it would have bought a big condo. [ laughter ] in l.a. a small guest house. >> jimmy: i got you. but you did win. >> i did win. >> jimmy: is it true what they say about fans in in philadelphia are they the loudest and

angriest and most passionate fans in the united states. >> yes. they're great fans but whenit's not a it's interesting, i went up the n c championship game and a hotel downtown to be close to the stadium. was full offans said if things are going good how should we act. i said don't make sound. those. they're going to be crazy. they came to the hotel after the game. they said you're right they w and y'all lost 38-7 if they won. it was crazy. hair great fans. hair great fans. the eagles are the number one attraction. >> jimmy: are they? not the liberty bell? not cheese steaks. >> i'm not a big tourist. i'm telling you, when sixers done well they won a

championship phillies the flyers are terrific but it's philadelphia eagles town by far. >> jimmy: it's interesting certain towns, certain teams. like the dodgers are big but the lakers are the biggest here. is it true you were almost going to play for the lakers. >> yes i actually got traded to the lakers. so i get a call from my agent one morning, he says i think we got a deal you're going to the lakers, so me and two of my boys, this is about 11:30 during the day. >> what year is this? >> 90s, late 80s. >> okay. >> i was so excited. so me my boy went out to celebrate, started getting drunk in the middle of the day. i was so excited. my agent call med back at three hours later. said sixers pulled out the deal. and we got a game that night.

i don't remember anything about that game. [ laughter ] first i was so pissed, but i was so drunk too. i have no idea what happened that game. >> you know your stats? >> i do not even remember the game actually. i can remember a lot of games. that day, we were so excited i was getting out of philadelphia. and i was blasted. we were doing shots and everything. >> jimmy: was that the only time youtoxicatedintoxicated? >> no. [ cheers and applause ] hold up let me rephrase that. >> jimmy: okay yeah how do you rephrase no. >> that was intoxicated. >> jimmy: i see. >> i have played hung over before. >> jimmy: you played hung over. >> not the same. >> jimmy: they're not the same. >> that was the only time i pl game. >> jimmy: do you think it is

goes on less nowadays the straight or they're just smoking pot now? >> you know jimmy, i don't understand the fascination with pot. >> jimmy: you're not a pot smoker. >> i smoked pot five times at the most and all it made me want to do is eat potato chips. i got friends that love it. i admit that. it didn't take me no place. didn't make me feel a type of way. i just wanted a potato chip. that's it.y's. >> yeah. like i say i don't judge other people. but i don't understand the pot. >> jimmy: is it true you're friends guys kenny rogers? >> yeah the gamerler, i love him. when i got my last game in philly when they traded me he was my entertainment i love kenny rogers. >> jimmy: you brought him to play specifically for you. >> he had to special song "through the years".

>> jimmy: that's a perfect song. >> he had a house in georgia where we played basketball. had an all-star competition. four basketball players. four golfers. four tennis players. four actors. skbroo >> jimmy: wow. >> for the acting part we went fishing. i actually won. it was calls the jc penny classic. >> jimmy: who was on your team. >> bruce kp and and tennis player. >> jimmy: that's fantastic. >> we kicked ass. >> jimmy: when was the last time you played basketball? >> i think the day i retired. >> jimmy: that was it? >> that was it. >> jimmy: did you love the game? >> i loved the game. i owe basketball a great deal. not the most educated person i went to college three years and still a freshman.

basketball has given me everything in my life. >> jimmy: interesting if you stop never play again. >> you retire and your body can't take that abuse any more. i got two new hips now. i lost a lot of weight. >> jimmy: you do look good you do. [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm down to about 15 pounds got about 25 more to go. >> jimmy: nice. >> i might come back. >> jimmy: you think you could beat any of the current players in the league. >> they're alternate good players. i can't beat any of the guys. >> jimmy: you mentioned you are still a freshman at auburn. they erected a statue in your honor. >> that was very nice. >> jimmy: in facts we have a photograph look at that. >> that's very nice. >> jimmy: thered you have input what you wanted it to look like. >> i told them i wanted the statue skinny. i'll be 55 next week jimmy. birthday.

[ cheers and applause ] >> i figure like dh most people my age not going to remember that i was fat and the kids there now don't even remember i played there. i love my college, auburn university, very nice of them. >> to have a statue anywhere that's a great thing. >> it's really cool they didn't have to do that. >> jimmy: we're going to take a break charles barkley is here he has much to say, all-star weekend on tnt, we'll be right back. >> announcer: portions of jimmy kimmel brought to you by -- muhammad ali: i am the greatest! [laughter & applause] muhammad: i'm going to become champion of the universe! muhammad: me with my beautiful colorful personality. muhammad: i'm good looking clean living, cultured muhammad: and i am modest. [laughter] muhammad: i am so modest i can admit my own fault. muhammad: my only fault is muhammad: i don't realize how great i really am! [laughter]

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>> hello i'm charles barkley. here's few of my nicknames -- my favorite the round mound the rebound rebound. >> jimmy: that's a young charles barkley. [ cheers and applause ] were you the first guy to have ten different nicknames it. >> oh, yeah. in my college, they're ten ranked in the country right now, very proud of my team a football school and we weren't getting a publicity and we came up with this and it worked out great. >> jimmy: is that right you did it specifically for up with the nicknames. >> honestly i don't know. >> jimmy: who came up with round mound the rebound perhaps the best nickname in sport.

>> i have no idea but that brings back good memories. chris chris chrisco kid those others they bring back great memories. >> jimmy: i would think so. when you were drafted out of philadelphia didn't want to play for 9 sixthe sixers. >> i did not. the sixers told me who my agent whose a crook i don't want to mention him, he said at that time we had a hard salaryix brought me in month before the draft. i was 292. the owner says listen i'm worried about your weight don't know if you could play in the nba there's a month before the draft get down to went to texas and got down to 281, and my agent said if you sign with the sixers can only get win year deal for $75,000 i said i didn't leave college for $75,000

so we went on a three-day eating binge. >> who was going on it with you. >> just me and my agent. so we went to dennys and had pancakes every morning. went to fast food lunch. that time was two first filet and i large fry and washed it down with a diet coke though. we went to steak house every night for three days. to stop the day before the draft. so i went from 282 to 307 in three days. so i sixers gd me, call me mf call in the book. >> jimmy: and when i came out me and my agent were like high five. the sixers are not going to draft me. s of and guy said with the fifth pick in the draft philadelphia 76ers select charles barkley. i said oh, lord. here i thought they were not

going to draftme. but i'm glad they did. >> jimmy: is the storyou during the game true? no. >> jimmy: that's not true?ut what happened was. [ laughter ] no but what i played on the road in the sec all of the other fans always cementsent me pizza down. hi to have a sense of humor. when we played every other sec they sent pizza to the bench. >> jimmy: would you eat the pizza. >> no i'm watching my figure. i don't take it that serious. not like we're a fireman teacher, doctor someone of service, i get mad at jocs would take themselves so seriously, likes, dude you play a sport shut the hell up and enjoylife. fun for bhe n the all-star game. >> it's fun for their family and

friends. >> jimmy: not for them? >> no. >> jimmy: why not. >> you have a lot to do. a press conference. you have practice. you have sponsorship to go to. it's great ford friends but the game itself whenhat sunday you're relieved it's over. >> jimmy: i see. do guys play hard during these games? >> i did not play hard. >> jimmy: you were the mvp once. >> i was mvp once because my obligation is to my team. i came to celebrate the league break a sweat but not going to go out and kill myself in an exhibition that's just stupid. >> jimmy: do you see guys do that playing hard. >> there's always a couple idiots. we used to get together look around like whose going to be the idiot trying to get mvp. >> jimmy: who was the idiot. >> i can't tell you that jimmy. >> jimmy: we could probably figure it out. >> there's always couple guys trying to play like game seven. i'm like dude it's exhibition calm down.

dieching for loose balls. diving. worried about the gs. there's always couple those dangerous guys trying to get mvp. >> jimmy: well i look forward to seeing you guys about it over the weekend. the show is great. best compliment. my wife couldn't careless about basketball or sports and yet she'll sit and watch your show with me. because she thinks it's funny. >> well. we try to make it funny.ball. not saving the world. >> jimmy: it's a great show. doing a great job. watch the game itself on sunday night. be right back with sbentd. chloe bennet.

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi theresiom mona. our next guest had nothing to go for valentine's day so we invited here quite frankly because we felt sorry for her. pl destroyern agents of ste returns to abc please welcome chloe bennet. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> hi y'all. >> jimmy: hi how you d >> jimmy: did charles barkley order those? >> yeah, yeah you invited me on valentine's day so i couldn't come empty handed and i know you love food as much as i do,so i got you a little valentine. >> jimmy: we each got our own

pizza. >> you'll see when you open it up. you guys. >> jimmy: oh now. which one of us should i eat. wow. >> i didn't want to make things awkward, you and guillermo were saying so obviously. >> oh, thank you. >> happy valentine's day. >> thank you. >> jimmy: thank you very much. >> wow. >> jimmy: whose face should i eat. >> mine. >> jimmy: and then you eat mine. >> i wouldn't eat that i think it's glued on. >> jimmy: well happy valentine's day. >> thank you. >> jimmy: how's everything going? you have a date tonight. >> it's a human. it's a human person. >> jimmy: who is this human. >> it's a human person. here's the thing i think i'm great at dating i don't think

other people think i'm great at dating. >> jimmy: what do you think you do that turns people away. >> i just get bored. a big thing i always do on dates is when you're eating you get the food and when the food comes you like without fail every time i put food in my teeth on purpose and sit there on the date and you can judge anything you need to know about a person p ] in your teeth. sense of humor, judge of character. most people don't say anything. >> jimmy: what's the best way to react. >> the person i dated the longest put something in his teeth and we went off with the date with stuff in our stealth. >> jimmy: and into one mentioned it at all. >> no one mentioned. >> jimmy: that's out of a romantic comedy that makes you vomit. >> it's great.

that's why brussel sprouts are trending now. it's a skill to it in your tooth without making it look like you did it. >> jimmy: what if you were out on a dat with a gentleman and he produce dental floss is that a positive or. >> you have aggressive reachers thatave then slip. >> jimmy: is that good. >> i don't mind it. >> jimmy: what's the worse you can do. >> not say anything. >> jimmy: what shoot water out of that front face. >> that's something i would do. li trade. >> jimmy: okay all right. this is good for me to know. i think you've taken some action that i believe is going to really help turn your dating life around. you made a very important announcement on instagram. you're playing the saxophone again. >> yes. >> jimmy: now i did not know you play the saxophone in the first place. >> i do.

>> jimmy: so again whrksen did you play. >> i played in middle school for years and i'm like i need to play again. it's my calling. i'm not as good as i thought i was. do you play? >> jimmy: i play clarinet. >> you do? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: they always have in that standing by. i don't know who that is. that's not me. how was a wearing a ring don't know what that is. >> it's beautiful. >> jimmy: i was engaged to my clarinet. yeah. >> i feel like the clarinet is like diet saxophone, it's the lite version. >> jimmy: it's the version of the saxophone that results in you never losing your virginity is what it is. it's the sell bat version. >> it looks good. you wore that really well.

>> jimmy: what band were you in. >> i was in jazz band and then intermediate band. >> jimmy: cleato was the star of our jazz band that's what attracted tuesday each other. >> that's beautiful. we didn't have actual shows though. we ended up playing at macy aegs awkwardly in the bra session, our jazz band. >> jimmy: were you good at it? >> i can't read music so i just do it by ear. i pretended to read the music. >> jimmy: that indicates laziness. >> i probably could if i tried. >> jimmy: you're on "agents of shield". >> i am. >> jimmy: this season you're in space. >> we are. >> jimmy: you're fighting create which i know because i played clarinet in high school. what's going on this season. >> we're shooting our hundredth episode. we've done a hundred hour jooz wow that's a lot. >> i know. i started the show when i was

20. i'm 26 now. >> jimmy: the show is stealing the best years of your life. >> i can't date. i'm not good at anything. >> jimmy: who are you going out with? >> no one it's a secret. if it doesn't go well -- >> jimmy: guillermo follow her hope. >> i will. >> jimmy: it's great to have you here. hundredth episode. returning to abc march 2nd, chloe bennet everyone. right back with monica. >> announcer: "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz, the best or nothing. or nothing.

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>> announcer: "jimmy kimmel live" concert series presented by mercedes-benz. >> thanks to charles barkley. chloe bennet apologies to matt damon. here with a song angel of mine, monica! [ cheers and applause ]

♪ when i first saw you ♪ ♪ i already knew ♪ ♪ there was something inside of you ♪ ♪ something i thought that i would never find ♪ ♪ angel of mine ♪ ♪ i look at you looking at me ♪ ♪ now i know why they say the best things are free ♪ ♪ gonna love you boy, you are so fine ♪ ♪ angel of mine ♪ ♪ what you mean to me you may never know. ♪ deep inside i needs to show.

♪ ♪ you came into my life ♪ ♪ sent from above ♪ ♪ when i lost all hope you showed me love ♪ ♪ you showed me love i'm checking for you ♪ ♪ boy you're right on time ♪ ♪ angel of mine ♪ ♪ nothing means more to me than what we share ♪ ♪ no one in this whole world can ever compare ♪ ♪ last night the way you moved is still on my mind ♪ ♪ angel of mine ♪ ♪ what you mean to me you'll never know ♪ ♪ deep inside i need to show tim hughes

angel of mine ♪ ♪ i never knew i could feel each moment ♪ ♪ as if they were new ♪ ♪ every breath that i take ♪ ♪ the love that we make smuz ♪ ♪ i only share it with you ♪ ♪ you, you, you ♪ ♪ when i first saw you i already knew ♪ ♪ there was something inside of you ♪ ♪ something i thought that i would never find ♪ ♪ angel of mine ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

♪ ♪ angel of mine ♪ ♪ angel of mine ♪ ♪ how you changed my world you'll never know ♪ ♪ looking at you ♪ ♪ you're looking at me ♪ ♪ now i know why they say the best things are free ♪ ♪ checking for you boy you're right on time ♪ ♪ angel of mine ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

♪ do you know where the shooter is? >> tonight on "nightline," those horrifying moment playsing out in a florida high school. teenagers running for their lives as we learn at least 17 are dead. >> we were just like praying, and crying. i don't know how we're alive. >> a gunman rampaging through the halls.

>> oh, my god! >> students hiding under desks and in closets. swat teams swarming the scene. students scrambling to safety. forced to abandon their backpacks. search for weapons. lucky survivors