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(applause)

>> dave: how about them guys out here? how about them guys? >> paul: those were some superstars. >> dave: you never see those guys all together in the same place. you'd be lucky to see one of them anywhere and here they are tonight and gratifyed to see how good they all look. >> paul: absolutely. >> dave: some of them are still playing, they look good. (applause) >> paul: they all look good. >> dave: i tell you, that john mcenroe -- and i don't want to tell people how to live their lives-- (laughter) the guy needs some counseling. (laughter) and a prescription. that's all i'm going to say. >> paul: enough said. >> dave: we're all upset about the jonas brothers. (applause) our first guest tonight stars on the popular television series "parenthood" and you can see that thursdays on another network. oh, hell -- let's just make it here at cbs. you can see that thursdays right here on cbs. >> paul: yes, that's better!

(laughter and applause) and this weekend you can see them live at the mirage hotel and casino in las vegas, nevada. ladies and gentlemen, here he is ray romano. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ >> dave: hey, ray. >> hey! >> dave: i have a question for you. >> already? >> dave: as i was saying your name "romano" i was thinking, oh i'll bet his family is from rome. is that, in fact, true? >> no. (laughter) they're from italy but not from rome. they fear from northern italy. my wife is from sicily so she's -- she's the boss. (laughter) >> dave: now are you -- by the way, congratulations on the show

"parenthood." >> thank you. >> dave: you had one giant hit show and then you had the other hit show and now you're on a third hit show. >> i'm on a show. i love "parenthood." yes, i -- well, i appreciate what you said. i was on a hit show "raymond." and i was on a second show, it wasn't -- >> dave: people loved it, though. >> they loved it. (laughter) that's all right. (applause) critically we did fine. >> dave: it's not a popularity contest. don't worry about it. >> well, we're not on the air so it wasn't really a hit. >> dave: you know what i envy about you and your life? i bet you have a lot of friends. you seem like the kind of guy that's got a lot of people -- >> i do! i'm here in new york and it's good to be back in new york to see them. (applause) thank you. the problem is as you get busy and as an adult, family and work

you don't see your friends enough. you don't have time. here's what i'm finding out. now that i'm in my 50s, i will make the time to be your friend if you're doctor. (laughter) no, i want as many doctor friends -- you can't have enough. you can't have -- the knee guy, the back guy. >> dave: i agree with that. >> i will buddy up to you. i'll do all the -- you know, there's things friends don't want to do, there's crappy things friends have to do, i'll do them all. if you're an orthopedist i'll go camping, i'll take you to the airport. >> dave: (laughs) go camping. >> go to your one-man show. whatever you want. (laughter) here's -- you know what i've noticed is that depending on what age you are that's the friend you gravitate towards. like, in your teens it was the quid the car. the kid with the car, he's very popular when you're a kid. you want him as your friend. >> dave: i know exactly what you're talking about.

>> dave: >> then in your 20s it's usual they kid with connections, you know? he's got -- his brother works at a strip club. (laughter) or that kid who has an in, you know? he can get you tickets to r.e.o. speedwagon. doesn't sound like much now but 30 years ago that was -- (applause) you know, he's -- in your 20s -- 30s and 40s, lawyers. you've got to lawyer up. something's going to happen. you're going to get a divorce, you're going to get a picture of your (bleep) off the internet. something's going to happen. (laughter) i'm sorry but -- (applause) i wouldn't they word but it's so topical now. it's so topical. >> dave: and there are law firms that specialize in just that. (laughter) >> so that's your 30s and 40s. 50s to 70s you can't have enough

doctor friends. and the weird thing is, in the 80s it's back to the kid with the car. (laughter) (applause) >> dave: you're completely right about that. now, what i found is that with a dog-- as my second dog and you -- they're great friends. >> yeah, and you don't to spend a lot of -- >> dave: do you have pets? >> i do have pets. >> dave: what do you have? >> i have a dog and a -- i have three dogs and a cat. i love the cat but -- they're weird. like, they're -- (laughter) they're kind of above it all. >> dave: they're aloof. >> our cat, she killed a mouse, brought it into the house -- this is a true. took it into our bedroom, put it on our pillow. (audience reacts) well, because if you have a cat you know they think it's a gift. they think -- >> dave: now is that -- do we know that for a fact? >> well, that's the thing!

(laughter) here's the thing. i wish we could talk to cats just for that. just to tell them "you're way off on this." (laughter) you couldn't be wronger. i know you think you're slick but we don't need a gift. the fact that they crap in a box is gift enough. (applause) >> dave: that's really all you need. >> maybe it isn't. i don't know if -- that's what they say. how do they know? >> dave: has the cat -- male or female? >> female. >> dave: done it more than once with the mouse on the pillow? >> doesn't always put it on the pillow but -- look, maybe it isn't a gift. you know, cats are so sly and shifty -- (laughter) no, seriously, maybe it's a threat. maybe it's like a mafia thing. (laughter) it's like, you know you see what i'm capable of. >> dave: (laughs) try that again. we'll be right back with ray

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(applause) >> dave: how are you doing? >> can i -- before you even restart, can i just say i'm new york sore it's a big thrill to be back here. >> dave: how about that group of guys, wasn't that wonderful? >> yeah. and my son -- (applause) thank you. thank you? why am i saying thank you. my son is -- my kids are here in the green room. i have a 15-year-old who's 6'4, 15, he place varsity basketball so he wanted to go one on one with carmelo. (laughter)

>> dave: you have a son that's 6'4? wonderful. >> 15 years old. i don't get it. i'm 6' 1. thank god he looks like me or i would have thought something's wrong. (laughter) wow, that's 3! i like it. >> dave: tell me how your wife is doing. you've been married 25 years? >> we just had our anniversary. 26. (applause) >> still going good. >> dave: up moments? down moments where you have to get through it? >> oh, yes. >> dave: i was talking to a guy that we both know and i was saying well, how do you like being married? he's got kids and family and he says "well, once you get it figured out it's great." and i thought "holy crap! this guy's got it figured out?" (laughter) >> sometimes you'll get -- they'll give you 30 years to figure it out sometimes. but here's what works for us -- i think so. i think -- because, believe me, she is mad at me a lot. (laughter) but i can still make her laugh,

which is a good thing. >> dave: i think that's terrific. >> and it's a good -- being a comedian it's good for her, it's good for me. >> dave: better for you, probably. >> i think -- i think when you first get married -- i think a guy wants two things: he wants to make her laugh, he wants to satisfy her in the bedroom. and then, seriously, after like five or ten years you're like one out of two. one out of two is all you really need. (laughter) and if i have to choose i want the laugh. (laughter) i want the laugh. (applause) >> dave: and if you're like me, you can make them laugh in the bedroom! i'm sorry, was this coming up? >> no! no, i'd rather have them -- here's the thing -- (laughter) also, being good in the bedroom, how often does that happen? (laughter) even an attempt, how often is an

attempt? but the thing with the laugh is -- i know it's real. it's genuine. (laughter) my wife can't fake laughter. (laughter) no, she cannot! she won't fake laughter. she'll look at me and tell me "that's a horrible joke." but in the bedroom -- look, i'm not gonna call her on it but -- (laughter) >> dave: you're not gonna -- >> i'm not going to accuser will but there's got to be times where she's like "this guy is 0-5, i better make some noise here or something. i better move around." >> dave: oh, man! (applause) >> dave: i'm very happy your kids are here tonight to hear this. (laughter) that's a nice touch! there they are right there! (laughter) wife and family, nice looking

family. good looking guys there. >> i'm lucky. i'm lucky. thank you. i'm young for this. they're all big now, they're all big. i miss the little -- i have twins. there's twins in there. and -- (laughter) they're 20 now, but -- >> dave: 20. >> yeah, but when i came on the show the first time they were two years old. >> dave: do you find -- and i just have the one, but i find that i resent people who have brand new babies. (laughter) i want a brand new baby. >> yeah, i said this before also. your kid is how old? >> dave: 10! >> so there's no more napping, that's what sux. they're conscious all day! >> dave: they punch in ready to go! >> a friend of mine showed me his two-year-old a video of -- he has it on his iphone, his two-year-old naked running around full steam, running around the house. because if you have a two-year-old, that's what they -- for some reason as soon as

they're naked off they go. (laughter) they just -- they're just -- it's like that's their superhero outfit. (laughter) and it's so fun to watch because that is true happiness. running naked -- folks, i don't want to bum you out. you may think you're happy. you're not as happy as that! because you can't do it. that's the crappy part about being an adult. you can't run naked. (laughter) you can, but you know it's going end bad. >> dave: once you get out of the yard -- (laughs) >> yeah, it's gonna end. something's gonna -- it's not gonna be a blissful ending. you're going to get tasered, you're going to get tackled. >> dave: not a warm fluffy towel. >> no. that's what it is. that is going to end with hugs and pajamas and a bowl of

porridge. but an adult is going to -- something's going to get caught on a fence. it's horrible. (laughter) (laughter) also, while we're on the subject, if you're running naked as an adult, there's an agenda. something's going on. >> dave: that's right. >> you're trying to get into a fraternity. you've lost a bet or you're protesting. a two-year-old has none of that stuff. it's pure. he has one thought, i want to feel the wind on my penis. that's all he wants. (laughter and applause) hey, boys! hey, boys! they wrote that. >> dave: hey, let me talk to the kids! put the kids up. what is going on in that house? (laughter)

>> that's my favorite bette midler song, by the way. >> dave: what is? >> "wind on my penis." ♪ >> dave: lovely. oh, this weekend is kevin james going to join you in las vegas? >> yeah, we're both doing a show at the mirage, kevin james and i. >> dave: good for you. try to get to las vegas if you can. ray romano on parenthood thursdays 10:00 p.m. on another network. ray, always a pleasure. >> thank you. >> dave: nice you brought your family. very nice. we'll be right back with james franco. (applause) (music plays throughout) hey guten morgen guess who? mr. mojito? ok it's got to be really fast, i've got one second hey no way wei hey, ca va? nudeq nuqdaq duch doch bolz stop calling me oh my god, no!

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our next guest an academy award nominated actor. he has written his first novel. written a novel! i can barely do this. this guy is an actor nominated awards and he also writes a novel. >> paul: good for him. >> dave: there's the novel right there. it's called "actors anonymous" which will be available tomorrow. ladies and gentlemen, welcome actor/author james franco. james, come on out here. (applause) ♪ ♪ james, look at all this material i have on you. >> paul: >> you've got a lot. >> dave: let's start with the cam di central roast. >> okay. >> dave: that was in september, early september in >> it was recent, yeah. you caught it? >> dave: was it fun for you or did it make you uncomfortable? >> it was actually great.

i've heard more compliments on that than on a lot of things i've done. (laughter) but i had no idea what i was getting into. they called me and said "we want to roast you. we won't make it like when we did -- i don't know, what's her name? "baywatch" or whatever. (laughter) 6- >> dave: pamela anderson? what's her name, "baywatch". (laughter) >> hard question, it was a hard question. and so they say "we want to make it like that old dean martin fry roast. you can bring your friends." >> and what about like your mom? >> dave: they came, of course, and my grandmother who i tried to get on this show the first time i ever came on. i don't know if you remember. and she had, like, a -- she wanted to bring out a stupid pet trick. >> dave: and what happened? >> she was scared but now she's

like a media whore. like -- (laughter) she's on the comedy central roast. >> dave: sorry, grandma. (laughter) >> she did jimmy kimmel. >> dave: oh, really. your grandmother is on jimmy kimmel? >> yeah. >> dave: well, we'll see if we can try opening. >> she'll come in a second now. >> dave: any of the jokes cut too close? any of the jokes offend you? hurt your feelings? >> not at all! i mean, i purposely didn't watch any of the other roasts so i went into it thinking that i was going to get two hours of them making fun of me alone. >> dave: well, i think that's what it's for. >> it's not! >> dave: what are they making fun of? >> right before i went on, right before seth rogan's opening monologue he's like "man, joan is gonna get it tonight. i know there's a lot of fat jokes coming his way." and i was like "what are you talking about jonah's getting

jokes?" he said "didn't you know? we're all making fun of each other?" >> dave: making fun of each other? >> so it was a huge relief. i got out there and they're making fun of sara silverman and jonah. it was like -- i didn't get much! it was like the roast of jonah hill. >> dave: seth rogan is -- can be tubby himself, right? (laughter) >> yeah! i'm sure he got a few fat jokes, too. i didn't throw any their way. i stay away from that. >> dave: here's a joke. "if at any point james fully opens his eyes tonight there will be six more weeks of summer." (laughter) >> all right. this is my -- this is my on air look! nothing i can do about it. it's racist. (laughter) >> dave: who is the real james franco? he is an artist, he is a scholar, he's tough to pin down although i've heard many guys have been able to do it. (laughter)

now what does that mean? >> what does that mean? i don't know! what does that mean? >> >> dave: i don't know, open your eyes and tell me. >> they're closed. i don't know what's going on. >> dave: we'll be right back with james franco, ladies and gentlemen. (applause),,,,