Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 2, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

11:35 pm
hey, jon! hey! ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the show, everybody! thank you so much. thank you down here. thank you up there. thank you so much. good to see you. welcome to "the late "the late show" everybody. i'm stephen colbert. it's been a huge week in america. we've seen cataclysmic events, decisions with unknown implications for all our future, choices being made that cannot be undone because monday on "the bachelor," ben said, "i love you" to two different women. two! this has never happened in the history of bachelordom. ben, what are you thinking? saying "i love you" is a sacred
11:36 pm
of 28 housebound tv concubines. ( laughter ) i can see why ben's in this pickle. it's a real pickle, man. these women are spectacular. let's show a picture of them up there, jum, can we? they're both lovely. i mean, it's like choosing between apples and oranges who've been drinking white wine for two months. now, i, heaven forbid if i had to choose between lauren b. and jojo, i know who i'd pick. my wife. because that's who i watch "the bachelor" with. because i'm in this marriage for the right reasons. thank you for saying yes. but ben is struggling. just listen to this love-struck dummy. >> i'm in love with two women, and it complicates things because my heart is in two different places. right now, i have two true loves. my heart is with lauren and my heart is with jojo. i'm scared. i'm in deep trouble. i don't know what i'm going to do.
11:37 pm
( laughter ) in 20 seasons, i never thought my heart could root for two contestants at once, ben. my heart says that you and together for six to eight months after the show ends. ( laughter ) but my other heart, which i think is over here, says that jojo is the one that you should give a ring that the show break up, and then jojo's the bachelorette. you know what? you don't have to choose. i am an ordained minister of the church of something. i can't remember. it was online. i'm ready to pronounce you man and wife and wife, a happily married thrupple. i've already started your wedding registry. it's at crate & barrel & another barrel. ( laughter ) but just as importantly, just as importantly, i am also in love
11:38 pm
( cheers and applause ) i gotta take it off. because it was up here i can't read the words in the thing. i gotta take this down. so, wow! there you go! now we're engawjed. now we're engaged. ( laughter ) from the "divergent" series, we've got octavia spencer! and i love her. i'm in love with her. ( cheers and applause ) from netflix's "fuller house," we've got john stamos, bob saget, and dave coulier. and they are my true heart. they are my heart. and we'll have a musical performance from lucius! ( band playing ) oh, oh, and that right there, that's jon batiste and stay human. give them your claps, ladies and gentlemen. say hello to them. they're about to crank it up,
11:39 pm
thing: for the first time, a google self-driving car caused a traffic accident. but they didn't have to exchange information with the other driver because google already has all information. >> tonight, stephen welcomes octavia spencer. from "fuller house," john stamos, bob saget, and dave coulier. and a musical performance by lucius. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late
11:40 pm
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! that wet my whistle. that wet my whistle. folks, you probably know this, yesterday americans in 13 states voted in super tuesday. making today "my god, what have we done?" wednesday. this is the road to the white house. >> but, mr. trump, you're not a nice person. ( applause ) now, on the democratic side, the race is between frontrunner hillary clinton and the senator from the great state of your liberal friends' facebook feed,
11:41 pm
bernie won vermont, oklahoma, minnesota and... colorado. ( cheers and applause ) but secretary clinton had a massive sweep of everything else. low turnout meant a rough night for sanders. evidently, a lot of people who were feeling the bern got cooled down by some preparation h. ( laughter ) on-- on-- on the republican side, the voters spoke, and they said "blaghahghahghahghghghghaaaah!!" ( applause ) and i hope i'm pronouncing that ( laughter ) because donald trump dominated super tuesday with a seven-state win-boree. and it looks like trump might have the nomination in the palm but the biggest winner of last
11:42 pm
who managed to take home victories in texas, diet texas, and snow texas. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that put cruz ahead of marco rubio, his top rival in the race to be the final candidate to pass through donald trump's digestive tract. rubio won only one state, minnesota, which is really exactly what he wanted. >> we feel very optimistic. last night was not supposed to be my night. i never said super tuesday was going to be our big night. >> stephen: yeah, he never said super tuesday was going to be his big night. i mean rubio was just asking voters if they wanted to see a movie this weekend. when they said no, he said, "good, i didn't want to either. i hate movies. wow. we have so much in common. do you want to go to the movies?" and he wasn't the only candidate to perfectly realize his goal of not-winning last night. so did ohio governor john kasich. >> super tuesday was never anything that we ever thought was going to be some great thing for us. >> stephen: it's never going
11:43 pm
you thought we wanted to win? it's only 13 states, man. let those square candidates fight over who wins and becomes president. ( laughter ) kasich still has a clear path to the presidency. just take the white house tour, sneak into the oval office, lock the door and claim squatter's rights. it could work. it's the same strategy used in 1924 by president albert j. raccoon. ( laughter ) it was a brief-- it was a brief but effective administration. but here we are. trump. now, traditionally, when a clear nominee emerges, the party rallies behind him. for instance, in 2012, they rallied with: "sure, mitt romney! he's president-shaped!" ( laughter ) but now, there is some doubt
11:44 pm
enthusiastic about trump. but for all those fears that are out there, all of them were laid to rest last night by former rival chris christie's joyous and energetic introduction of trump at the victory rally. >> good evening. tonight, donald trump is the clear winner on super tuesday. ( applause ) tonight is the beginning of donald trump bringing the republican party together for a big victory this november. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: chris christie kind of sounds like the best man at a wedding he never believed in.
11:45 pm
"jennifer and mark-- what a couple, who did, actually, just get married. it happened. we all saw it. it's real. some of you know that jennifer and i have a bit of history, but that's what it is... history. right, jen? we're just friends now. point is, i agreed to be the best man because i am happy for you, and the groom volunteered to pay off my campaign debts. cheers!" ( applause ) hi, i'd like to make a dep-- scanner: rescan item. rescan, rescan. rescan item.
11:46 pm
you almost get used to it. phone voice: main menu representative. representative. representative. vo: which is why being put first... relax, we got this. vo: ...takes some getting used to. join the nation. nationwide is on your side representative. get 30% off every guest every ship in the caribbean but hurry, this offer won't last long come seek the royal caribbean
11:47 pm
nexium 24hr is the new #1 selling frequent heartburn brand in america. i hope you like it spicy! get complete protection with the purple pill. the new leader in frequent heartburn.
11:48 pm
11:49 pm
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is an oscar-winning actress who stars in the new installment of th"divergent" series, "allegiant." >> if actions kept chicago peaceful for a long time. >> well, i wouldn't know about that because i was forced out of my faction. i gave up my life, my child, everything! >> i understand your anger, evelyn, i do.
11:50 pm
>> the way forward has already begun. i know i said i'd be alone, but i'm not candor and i'm not an mitty. so i will lie and i will fight if i have to. >> you see these scars? i wasn't born an mitty. and i can assure you i'm not afraid to fight for what i believe in. >> stephen: please welcome octavia spencer! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i like that. not every guest dances on the way out. thank you very much. >> it's the only exercise i get sometimes. ( laughter ). >> stephen: now, i understand you're actually-- you're from the deep south. you're from alabama.
11:51 pm
is there but you don't have any accent, what gives? >> well, i do when i work. i did a lot of speech competitions to pay for college. and you kind of eradicate any type of dialect. >> stephen: but when you work you have an accent, but in your real life you don't. >> in my real life -- >> only when you pretend to be somebody else you have your actual accept. >> yes. >> stephen: that's way more complex than i can understand. >> it's true. i'm more relaxed, and i think it comes out. >> stephen: oh, really? >> yeah. >> stephen: i'm from charleston, south carolina, and i don't really have an accent, either, unless i get a little too much to drink or i get really angry. then it comes out. >> yeah, i get really-- yeah, that-- that would be true for me, too. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i don't want to see. t. i don't want to see it. >> i get real southern. yes, i do. >> stephen: how do you go from montgomery, alabama, to winning an oscar? >> with a little nisan sentra. >> stephen: did you drive yourself out? >> i did.
11:52 pm
didn't know if i was going to find a tv. a television, $3,000 and a laundry basket with all of my clothe s. >> stephen: wow. >> yeah. >> stephen: and you didn't start off as an actress, did you? >> i didn't, i wanted to be-- well, there are a few things i wanted to be. but i love broadcast journalism, and i loved jessica savage, so growing up i would also sign off, "i'm jessica savage. nbc." >> stephen: that's why you don't have an accent. you're imitating a news person. you don't know where the hell they're from. that's the whole part of the job. when i was a kid i wanted to sound like john chancellor. when i watch tv, i noticed on tv they would indicate someone was dumb by giving them a southern accent, and i didn't think southern people were dumb but i didn't want to seem i was dumb by having one. >> i kind of love it when people think i'm done with a southern accent because then i turn into sure. >> stephen: you can hustle
11:53 pm
>> i can hustle them with my wrinkled suit, very coalmost bowish. >> stephen: you started off as a casting director. how would you cast yourself? what would you cast yourself in? >> i never really thought about that. >> stephen: really? >> my first job i got cast as a nurse and i, you know, became the, you know, eventual nurse all the time. yeah, i was a nurse a lot. apparently, i have a sweet face. >> stephen: you do. >> i think i have a hot face. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it's a fine line. it's a fine line. how would you cast me? >> i would cast you as, like-- okay in a commercial, i you would be, like, the businessman with gas. ( laughter ) ( applause ) casting. that's type casting. >> no! i mean -- >> no, no, no, no. you've been talking to my doctor. >> no! >> stephen: so i'm the one who's bloat and i had need the
11:54 pm
i've just come off the flight, i'm trying to get my rental car and i'm going oooo! i'm not sure i could act that well. i'm not sure i could act like i had gas. >> you would sell it because your face is so sweet and "oh, the gas." yeah. >> stephen: what do people-- what do you look for when people come in to audition? i have to tell you, i was an actor in chicago for years and years and years. i could not get arrested in a casting session. that's why i ended up doing this because i had to write everything of my own. no one would cast me in anything. what do you look for when somebody comes in? if there are people out there who want to get cast, how should they come into a casting session? >> i think-- it's kind of sad-- that there's-- everybody thinks inside the box. and this is why you're so successful because there's no one else like you. >> stephen: oh, so sweet. so sweet. ( cheers and applause ) >> so -- >> yeah. >> we've got to let them continue -- >> think outside the box. >> think outside the box. >> stephen: i'm not doing your script.
11:55 pm
i'm going to come in and do my own monexplog this is what you're going to do on tv. i'm not going to do what you wrote. >> stephen: thanks for stopping by. there's the door. in the movie "allegiant," there are these different-- >> faction s. >> stephen: factions, exactly. there's dauntless, which is, like, soldiers. >> yes. >> stephen: there's um-- >> amity, which is my faction. we're all about the agculture and peace and harmony and love. >> stephen: there's candor, >> public service. >> stephen: and erudite. which one would you naturally be put in, do you think? >> i-- i honestly-- i would hope that i have all of those traits. but i-- i would probably want to be amitiy. i probably would want to be amitiy. >> stephen: you don't want to be dauntless, one of the guys who can kick ass, and take names
11:56 pm
you know, hits me, i'm going to cry. ( laughter ) so i would like someone else to be dauntless, and i-- i think about that. i waffle a lot on which one i would actually be. >> stephen: we have to take a little break can you stick around. >> stephen: >> absolutely. >> stephen: we'll be back with octavia spencer. ( applause ) don't you dare take that apart. don't you dare get any big ideas.
11:57 pm
don't you dare paint on the walls. don't you dare play games with me. don't you dare change the rules. don't you dare raise your voice. a bull rider is bold.now, a bull rider on a plane... ...is bolder than bold. and if he jumps from that plane...
11:58 pm
and if he jumps while eating... ...a butterfinger bar... ...in all its crispety-crunchety, ...peanut-buttery glory... ...that's bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! and if he eats it... honey! ...even when his mother tells him not to... you'll spoil your dinner! ...that's... ...bolder than bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! bolder than bold. crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery! butterfinger. yeah, i'm married. does it matter? you'd do that for me? really? yeah i'd like that. who are you talking to? uh, it's jake from state farm. sounds like a really good deal. jake from state farm, at three in the morning? who is this? it's jake from state farm. what are you wearing jake from state farm? uh, khakis. she sounds hideous. well, she's a guy so... another reason more people stay with state farm.
11:59 pm
12:00 am
tt0w!tx#hi!!%4@-*! tt0w!tx#hi!!el@- &l tt0w!tx#hi!!ed@-&$( tt0w!tx#hi%!)8h-fzt tt0w!tx#hi%!kzh-[5( tt0w!tx#hi%!n-h-.\$ tt0w!tx#hi%!0ph-0;< tt0w!tx#hi%!s"h- i\ tt0w!tx#hi%!ueh-#+, tt0w!tx#hi%!7hh-?)x ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we're back with the lovely and talented octavia spencer. as an oscar winner and african american what did you make of the oscars so white campaign? did that resonate with you? did you think that was something that needed to be done? >> i understand the rancor. but i-- i-- i-- to make a baking analogy. >> stephen: a baking analogy. >> to make a baking analogy. >> stephen: i wasn't sure if
12:01 am
>> i'm from the south, so it could have been bacon. but, okay, the oscars are the cherry on the top of the cake. okay, the cake itself is the prize. and the problem is i think instead of being angry with the people who put the cherry on top of the cake, you should probably be more upset with the grocery stores who do not allow access to all of the ingredients. because without all of the ingredients, there is not a reasonable expectation that you can get the cherry. ( applause ). >> stephen: and, if you're, you know, if you're gluten intolerant, the metaphor doesn't work at all. >> it doesn't work at all. >> stephen: right. you also do another thing. you also write books. you have a series of young adult books called randy rhodes, ninja detective. that's two of the coolest things you can put together, ninja and detective.
12:02 am
and what was your motivation? >> i'm dyslexic and i read mystery books as a child and it kept me engaged with reading and i thought i would want to do something to give back to kids that helped me in a way. and this is basically the-- a love letter to all the things they love-- ninjas, detectives, bruce lee, everything. >> stephen: you got some advice. you got some advice for the kids on how to do some honest-to-god kind of detective work in here. >> yeah. >> stephen: i have to take issue with one of the things you have in here. this is in appendix "a" under "conduct a stakeout." things you'll need, food and water, camera, binoculars, patience, a notebook and pen. diapers, optional. ( laughter ) stock up on diapers if you can't resist eating and drinking on duty. ( laughter ) so, this is so you don't have to leave your car? >> kind of, but these are kids. cars. bushes. >> stephen: they're kids. they're not going to be
12:03 am
you got kids asking their parents to get them diapers. this one is, "go incognito." >> yes. >> stephen: things you'll need-- this is disguises. things you'll need, rubber bands. why? why do you need rubber bands? >> change your hairstyle. >> stephen: oh, okay. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: hat. >> hat. >> stephen: scarf or sweater, i understand. glasses. here's one i don't get, cotton balls. ( laughter ) are you going to disguise yourself as a rabbit? what's happening? because i have some here. i have-- i have a jar of cotton balls. why do i need-- what do i do with cotton balls? >> you stick them in your mouth to make your face look fuller. if you're really thin you might
12:04 am
( laughter ) ( applause ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> you're unrecognizable! >> stephen: i don't know where stephen colbert went! but i am so happy to meet octavia spencer! i feel like i'm doing a-- a local theater production of "the godfatherrer" right now. ( applause ) and i'm supposed to be a detective right now? >> i have no idea! >> stephen: it's in your book! >> i don't recognize you. ( laughter ) >> stephen: "allegiant" opens march 18. octavia spencer, everybody!
12:05 am
( cheers and applause ) turns out lemon juice doesn't cure pink eye. hi. how are you doing today? that's how i am. red head fred. ultra rare. i collect these too. nah, these are for my dog because he can never decide which one he wants until he gets home, so... american express presents the blue cash everyday card with no annual fee. cash back on purchases. my only concern is that this is where we put food. a dog's foot is cleaner than a human's mouth.
12:06 am
is it? cleaner than my mouth. backed by the service and security of american express. shop kohl's... friday night owls and saturday early birds... for the new sonoma goods for life collection... save 50 to 60% on everyday apparel for him and for her... and 40% for the kids. save on sonoma for your home too. plus get kohl's cash. kohl's. alright, what do you think boys? we could do tacos. we could do some thai. ooo... how 'bout sushi, eh? [weird dog moan/squeak] why not? [dog yawning/squeaking] no, we're not, we're not having barbecue... again. [quiet dog groan] why? because you're on four legs, and i'm on two... and i'm driving. that's why. [dog whine]
12:07 am
12:08 am
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back,
12:09 am
from noon 87 to 1995, my next guests gave fathererly wisdom to an adorable group of tv kids and millions of viewers. and now they're back. >> it will never happen again. >> let's confer. girls, we have decided to have mercy. say you're sorry. >> and, "i love you." >> and hug it out. >> sorry. i love you. >> that never gets old. okay, go to the party. >> okay. tommy's in the the crib. >> see you. >> bye, girls, bye. >> we did pretty good with those girls, didn't we? >> we did all right. >> we can great. i can't thank you guys enough for all the sacrifices you made for my family all right, come on in. >> again. >> come in! >> oh, geez! >> stephen: please welcome john stamos, bob saget and
12:10 am
( cheers and applause ) >> he grabbed my butt. did you see that. >> stephen: i did, di. thank you for being here, gentlemen. >> thank you for having us. >> stephen: you can tell how excited everyone is that you're back. ( cheers and applause ). >> yeah. >> stephen: did you know-- did you know? did you sense at all how excited people would be for this reunion? >> i thought you were asking did i know that we were back? >> stephen: everyone knows you're back. >> right! >> stephen: this has not been lightly marketed. >> it is a giant hashtag. >> stephen: it really is. who drove? whose idea was this? >> this guy. >> stephen: really? >> well, i knew we had to do something. people loved the show so much, and i think the guys it's whole cast sort of trusted me with the legacy to make sure we did it right and certainly netflix was the place to go.
12:11 am
rating monster at the time, but it still in reruns is a ratings monster. why do you think people love it so much? >> i think people are very bored with their lives. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: could be. that could be. that could very well be. yeah. >> and people like to tune in to hear a three-year-old go, "oh, nuts." because that's wisdom. >> the truth is stephen, i have to be the serious one. magic happened-- 25 years ago, magic happened with us. and i think-- what are you laughing at? >> stephen: magic is still happening because you look like you're about to do a magic show with that shirt open. you look-- you look. ( cheers and applause ) it's a little vegas. it's a little vegas. >> i do want to add that he can make any woman disappear. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: but for how long? but for how long? >> until people come after them. >> so can i, but in a very different way. i can do the same thing. i can make women disappear.
12:12 am
what i've eaten earlier in the day. ( laughter ) >> stephen: people up to you for years and say, "you are my childhood" and burst into tears? >> yes. >> people cry when they see bob. >> most of the charges have been dropped. that's the man, mom. ( laughter ) no, but they-- hay come up and they go, "i grew up watching" -- >> it's such a wholesome show. that's why people watch it. it's such a ( bleep ) wholesome show. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> by the way, i just want to say i never said ( bleep ) in front of the kids. >> stephen: really? man. >> you opened up this cursing. >> stephen: we're going to bleep it. we're going to bleep it. >> it's not my first television show. i know you're going to bleep it. >> stephen: you've been on television-- >> you know how good are you? you're very good at this. >> stephen: talking to people? >> yes. >> stephen: that's very nice. that's yr kind of you. >> you know what i would like to say, stephen, you're really ( bleep ) good at it. >> stephen: thank you, thank you. thank you.
12:13 am
people right down the drain tonight on your show. >> i think the stuff that happened between the lines, which was a family show that we all committed to and we really did, was this crazy lunacy that we have. >> stephen: you look like you're having fun together. >> we did. >> we played together. and the whole cast did and the kids we became friends with and we stayed friends with them. it's an unusual thing happened. you said before it was like caught by lightning, a magic thing happened. back to magic. >> stephen: i understand a second season has already been ordered. >> second season, today. ( cheers and applause ) >> and it's different than the other show because the girls are now raising the kids, and the girls have turned into-- we're guest cast. we're legacy cast on the show, can which we love doing. but these girls are beautiful. they're kind of hot, and that's a little upsetting. >> they're your daughters. >> i know. ( laughter ). >> you sound like donald trump right now.
12:14 am
>> i'm cutting you out of my life. but the truth of it is they're so beautiful, that we didn't have as many male viewers back in the day. we had 14-year-old girls watching who are now 35 who are now dateable for me which works-- >> bob, bob, bob. >> just-- we want people to watch the show. >> they are beautiful, and they're great. it's candice and jodi-- is this working? >> sure. >> andrew raising three little boys in the house which is the flip on me being a widow-- widower. she's a widow. and i think it works really well. talk, please talk. >> no, you're doing great. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: were you afraid-- now it was your idea. were you afraid of disappointing the fans? because you had like the perfect eight years there. >> yeah, for sure. i mean, you know, we finished it and i was so nervous if it was enough fpeople what they wanted. i assume it is. i was so afraid-- i was asking everybody, "is this it? is this what people wanted to see?" and apparently they're pretty happy with it.
12:15 am
brought the show back. and it got renewed because the fans loved it so much, which means they did something right with these 13 episodes. ( applause ) >> stephen: i'm in. i'm in. >> you could take your seven-year-old, you could watch the show with your family. there wasn't a lot of television to watch. you would binge watch it. you could leave your kid at home unsupervised watching -- >> how many hours do they get? 13 episodes. six and a half hours. >> a little more. some are long episodes. i think the first episode is, what, three hours long? >> yeah. >> but it's fun. and it's amazing to be back in that house with your brother sphwhrz it's exactly the same. the set hasn't changed at all. it's exactly the same house. >> it's the same couch. they fut in storage. >> stephen: you're kidding. >> i found stuff in there that dave left they didn't like. >> stephen: again, keep it light. it's for children. can i ask you a favor? can we get a side-by-side shot?
12:16 am
of us look alike and i don't see it. are we ready? ( applause ) a little bit. a little bit. >> we look like cousins-- >> me and john. >> stephen: oh, yeah! absolutely! ( cheers and applause ) >> this guy-- this guy really does look amaze although. >> stephen: it's really ipfewerrating what this guy looks like. it's all the yogurt, right? >> yeah, right. >> stephen: it's all the damn yogurt. you just rub it on at the end of the day. >> stephen: we'll be right back with more dave coulier, bob saget, and john stamos. stick around, everybody.anie, we're like so goth. we're like goth, goth. (knocking on door) honey? i'm dying my hair mom. hair dye? no, not in my bathroom. relax mom. honey, just let me in. no! tiffany! no! tiffany!!! it's just purple. teenage daughter? get scrubbing bubbles.
12:17 am
you only need scrubbing bubbles disinfectant cleaners for 100% problem solved. we work hard so you don't have to. sc johnson a family company. the exact moment you know you love a home, you should be able to get approved to buy it. sfx: car driving. sfx: engine revving. sfx: car engine. sfx: car speeding away.
12:18 am
12:19 am
12:20 am
guys, thanks for being here. and congratulations on the show on fox "grandfather." >> thank you. they both guest starred on there as well. >> stephen: when were they going to have time because, again, you guys got picked up for another season of "fuller house," and i'm not surprised at all because what i like about if is it's a fun, to nalgic reboot, kind of owns that it's nostalgia. >> it does, it does, and reboots are great. actually we're doing a couple of them.
12:21 am
>> stephen: i didn't. >> it's a more gritty "full house." >> it's called "full house nights," and we play adult roommate detectives who have seen a little bit too much. >> the basic premise, stephen, is after the kids go to streets, the full house dads go out and solve crimes. >> it's scum of the earth stuff. things people love-- drugs, sex-murder, murder-sex a. lot of feet-sticking-out- of-dumpster type stuff. and, stephen, you played a pretty important role in the series, too. >> stephen: oh, i forgot! i'm in it!
12:22 am
whatever happened. everywhere you look everywhere you go you got to hold on, too everywhere you look, everywhere you go, the face of somebody who needs you everywhere you look, everywhere you go, a heart to hold on to everywhere you look everybody you go there's a face of somebody who needs you. when you're locked out there and you're all alone. a light is waiting to carry you home everywhere you look everywhere you look. everywhere you go. >> stephen: well, well, well. if it isn't the "full house" daddies.
12:23 am
where's the next shipment come in? >> stephen: i don't know what you are talking about, strangely young-looking man. i am a legitimate businessman of gentlemen's entertainment. >> i mean the blow, dimitri! white noise. brain sugar. colombian nasal spray. white street cove. satan's tang. we know you're selling out of your girlie club. talk or we'll end you. >> i'm sorry about my partr, uncle jesse. he's a loose cannon. have a couple cheeseburgers, maybe tell us where the drugs are coming in. >> no cheeseburgers! >> stephen: it will not work on dmitri, this good cop/bad cop. >> yeah? maybe you'll talk to bullwinkle. >> we know you're using the girls as your drug mules. ( laughter ) ( applause )
12:24 am
one o.d.'d in the airport. >> stephen: so it's good cop/ bad cop/impressionist cop? ( laughter ) i will play you like a xylophone, and i will not-- help me out here. >> stephen: you're trying to say you won't have merco me. >> that's right, i won't have mercy on you! ( laughter ) danny, cut the cameras and let's have some fun with some scum back bag. >> no, no, jesse, enough with that, it didn't work. leave this one to popeye. >> i'll shatter your femurs. >> stephen: dmitri will not talk to popeye. >> welcome to hell, you sick bastard. >> stephen: no! no! not scooby do! no! okay, okay! everything is coming in at
12:25 am
shipping container. don't judge me, you know nothing of my life full canadas daddies. with your beautiful precocious daughters. virtue is a luxury, "full house" daddies. >> listen, champ. everybody has pain. and everybody wants to bury that pain under piles and piles of blow. >> damn right, yeah. >> but it's no excuse to break the law. i think you've learned an important lesson here today, dmitri. us and help me raise my daughters? house" daddies? >> yes. >> now that's what i call a bedtime story. >> it's been great having you here, dmitri. >> stephen: so happy. >> yeah, thanks for not take anything retribution after we broke up your international drug ring.
12:26 am
no retribution. >> cut! it! >> now, that's what i call a bedtime story. everywhere you look everywhere you look ( applause ). >> stephen: sadly, "full house nights" has been canceled. but bob saget, john stamos, and dave coulier can be seen in "fuller house" on netflix right now. ( laughter ) >> do you want me to help you? >> stephen: no, it's really hard to talk with mustache on. we'll be right back with a stick around
12:27 am
everywhere you go denny's supreme green skillet is loaded with so many nutritious super foods, i think it's giving me super mom powers. denny's new supreme green skillet.
12:28 am
never underestimate the power of energizer. our longest lasting energizer max ever. announcement: this storm promises to be the biggest of the decade. with total accumulation of up to three feet. roads will be shut down indefinitely. and schools are closed. campbell's soups go great with a cold and a nice red.
12:29 am
song, "born again teen," ladies and gentelmen, lucius! >> it's a feeling like a born again teen got a heartbeat like
12:30 am
ahhhh would you take my hand, baby? you know you know i like to dance maybe we'll be good; we can be good, you and i you can follow me, or if you want to take the lead you know it's obvious we're naturally aligned it's a feeling like a born again teen got a heartbeat like we're only sixteen
12:31 am
pull me in a little closer pull me in a little closer do you recognize me? i have had my eye on you for quite a while never seen your moves like this and always such self-confidence i'm thinking how your lips taste next to mine and michigan my heart is racin' burning from this heat we're making when the beat kicks in, we'll resupply it's a feeling like a born again teen got a heartbeat like we're only sixteen
12:32 am
could somebody help me, please? i don't think it's just me i'm dying, dying i know it's not just me could somebody help me, please? i could just die, die die, yeah
12:33 am
it's a feeling like a born again teen got a heartbeat like we're only sixteen ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah. the album, "good grief" is out march 11.
12:34 am
12:35 am
12:36 am
we'll be right back. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be actor chris meloni medal of honor recipient edward byers. and a musical performance by ray lamontagne. now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs
12:37 am
access.wgbh.org >> reggie: are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the way from canada, give it up for your host the one, the only, james corden! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by cbs >> james: hello, welcome to this, the late late show, thanks for being here.

218 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on