jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, welcome! i love you! oh, oh! i love ya! welcome to "the tonight show"! [ cheers ] i'm your host, jimmy fallon here, everybody. it is -- [ cheers and applause ] it is st. patrick's day, everybody. [ cheers ] that's right. i just want to take a moment and thank all of you at home for passing out with your tv on nbc. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] so much.

but really i'd like to wish everybody a happy st. patrick's day, which means if you're irish, raise a glass and if you're not irish, raise a glass anyway. >> tariq: jimmy. can we wish everyone a happy st. paddy's day, too? >> jimmy: yeah. sure, tariq. yeah, sure. >> tariq: can we do it in an irish accent? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i would be disappointed if you didn't. [ laughter ] >> tariq: okay. [ clears throat ] [ in irish accent ] happy st. paddy's day! [ laughter ] >> may the luck of the irish be with ya. >> may you never pee into the wind. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't think that's something people say on st. patrick's day, mar >> well then, would you prefer to be telling folks to pee into the wind? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, but why don't you just forget about going to the bathroom and just wish everyone a happy st. patrick's day? >> fine.

[ cheers ] and don't forget if it's windy out there -- [ laughter ] and you've had too much to drink and you need to relieve yourself, just turn your body away from the wind. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm not going to bother. what about you, james? you're obviously excited about st. patrick's day. [ laughter ] >> st. patrick's day? [ cheers ] >> jimmy: you didn't know it was -- yeah, i guess you didn't know it was st. patrick's day. [ laughter ] he's so -- >> steve: he just wore that. he just wore that to work and went, "oh, wow, it's st. patrick's day." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i've never seen anyone so happy to do that comedy bit. >> steve: look how happy he is. >> jimmy: he's so happy to do that bit. >> steve: that's my christmas card. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you, james. let's get to the -- let's get

let me see that little hat. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: aw. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: irish. >> jimmy: let's get serious for a second. [ light laughter ] get to some politics here. [ light laughter ] no one's gonna take me seriously at this point. why should they? i'm a comedian anyway. yeah, they shouldn't take me serious. >> steve: more fun with a tiny hat. >> jimmy: thank you. #tinyhat. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: this isn't good, you guys, the hacking group anonymous has apparently declared war against donald trump. [ scattered cheers ] of course, hacking him shouldn't be hard, because if there's anyone who just uses their name as their password, it's donald trump. [ cheers and applause ] "truuuuump." as it becomes mo and more inevitable that trump will be the republican nominee, people have been wondering who

advisers are going to be. well, he finally told us where he's getting his information from yesterday. take a look. >> who are you consulting with consistently so that you're ready on day one? >> i'm speaking with myself, number one. [ laughter ] because i have a very good brain and i've said a lot of things. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good brain. i've said a lot of things. yep. seriously? that answer wouldn't even work at a job interview at wendy's. [ laughter ] "got a good brain. i talk a lot. so --" [ laughter ] his main consultant is himself. people were like, "is that really a good idea?" and trump is like, "what do you think, donald?" "i think it's fantastic." [ laughter ] "it sounds -- yuge." trump said "i'm speaking with myself, because i have a very good brain and i've said a lot of things." now this is pretty crazy, but we actuauay have the technology to actually look inside his brain. it's fascinating to see how it works. take a look at this. >> he referred to my hands --

else must be small. i guarantee you there's no problem. i guarantee you. [ laughter ] >> why isn't it working? >> let me try! >> let me do it. get out of here! >> jimmy: that's perfect. [ applause ] and did you see this? ted cruz was just featared in "us weekly"'s "25 things you didn't know about me" column. yeah. and on the list, he revealed he was once bitten by an octopus at the beach and got terribly ill.@ [ light laughter ] thenhe octopus said, "yeah, it took me a while to recover, too." [ laughter and applause ] lose-lose situation. in the article cruz also revealed that in high school he was in "the sound of music" twice and that he can quote every line in "the princess bride." [ light laughter ] a whole bunch of interesting things about cruz in the article. check these e t. first up, as a child his family moved six different times, but he kept finding them. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: perseverance. >> jimmy: perseverance. next, in high school he went to prom with the lunch lady. at the end of the night she said she just wanted to be friends. [ applause ]

>> jimmy: i didn't know that i didn't know that about him. >> steve: learned something new. >> jimmy: he sounds like a funun dude. check this out. after that he said he microwaves cod in the office break room, just because he likes the smell. [ applause ] >> steve: wow. jimmy: next up, he was so cool in high school at lunch the other students gave him a a table all to himself. [ applause ] >> steve: oh. >> jimmy: that's how cool he was. and finally, he used to have an imaginary friend until it ran off with his imaginary girlfriend. [ laughter ] a lot of interesting things. 25 of those things. >> steve: 25 of them. each one more interesting than the next. >> jimmyyeah. yesterday john kasich, fresh off his win in the ohio primary, said that if you can't win ohio, you can't be president. then george washington said, "what the hell is ohio?" [ laughter and applause ] in other bigigews this week, president obama's nomination of merrick garland for the supreme court. i read that some people are criticizing obama for nominating a white, moderate man from harvard to the supreme

diversity. then the president said,d,i'll try to do more to promote diversity or my name isn't the first black president of the united states!" [ cheers and applause ] for eight years! oh, oh! here's some news from overseas. apparently a british professor just won a $700,000 prize for solving a 300-year-old math equation. apparently the answer was, it takes three licks. [ laughter ] >> steve: really? a-one, a-two, a-three. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: finally, amazon just filed a patent for technology that allows customers to pay by selfie. where customers can verify purchases by taking a selfie. in related news, the kardashians just went bankrupt. [ laughter ] we have a great show! give it up for the roots, everybody!

[ [ eers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, fantastic crowd. everyone is in great mood. happy st. patrick's day, everybody. good to see you, higgins. we had a great week so far. there's more ahead. tomorrow night, john krasinski will be here. [ cheers and applause ] we're going to play a game of "word sneak", so be sure to tune in for that. plus, "supergirl" herself, melissa benoist will be dropping in. [ cheers and applause ] and we've got great music from mike posner. that's tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] what does he sing? "i took a pill in ibiza"? >> steve: ibiza, yeah. >> jimmy: "i took a pill in ibiza" is the name of the song. that's great. but first we have a great show tonight. he's a fantastic actor. i just love the guy, man. you can see him in the new movie, "the confirmation." clive owen is on the show. [ cheers and applause ] we love clive owen. plus, from the highly-anticipated sequel, "my

very funny nia vardalos is here! >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and one of my favorite stand-ups. we have stand-up from comedian jimmy carr is on the show tonight! [ cheers and applause ] he's fantastic. guys, it's time for "tonight show" hash tags. here we go. hashtags hashtags >> jimmy: hey! you guys are on twitter, right? are you on twitter? [ cheers ] well, it's fun. we use twitter on our show every single week. so if you watch our show and you want to play along, we do this thing every wednesday where i send out a hashtag and we ask you guys to tweet out things based on that topic. so since president obama announced judge merrick garland as his pick for the supreme court this week, i went on twitter and started a hashtag called #dontjudgeme. don't judge me. yeah. i asked you guys to tweet out something funny, weird, or embarrassing that you're not ashamed to admit. we got thousands of tweets.

a trending topic in the u.s. [ cheers and applause ] so thank you for the tweets. now i thought i'd share some of my favorite "don't judge me" tweets from you guys. here we go. the first one's from @kittykat88. [ light laughter >> steve: they're already judging. >> jimmy: they're already judging, yeah. she says, "sometimes when i'm sick of doing laundry i just fold my husband's dirty clothes and put them back." there you go. [ laughter and applause ] that's his problem. >> steve: yeah. you want them clean, you would have done&them yourself. >> jimmy: exactly. this one's from @tigerboon. he says, "i alternate between two different mcdonald's for lunch so the employees don't think i eat there every day." [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: oh, hey! >> jimmy: hey, tiger! this is a cute one. it's from @josieabowen. she says, "my husband and i sometimes wake up our one-year-old daughter in the middle of the night because we miss her." [ audience aws ] >> steve: yeah. i would do that. >> jimmy: that's cute. yeah, but they could - - >> steve: just the first one, yeah. >> jimmy: they need their sleep. >> steve: they don't need to sleep that bad.

[ light laughter ] they are cute when they're one year old. butts up in the air. [ laughter ] >> steve: little, sleeping like that. wake up! wake up! i do that with my 16-year-old. >> jimmy: that's how you we up your baby? >> steve: yeah. wake up! [ laughter ] cigatte in one hand, scotch in the other. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: fireworks. >> steve: fireworks under my arm. >> jimmy: those little snaps. >> steve: those snap things. >> jimmy: just throw them around the crib. >> steve: you'll learn! [ laughter ] earthquake, earthquake! i'm just testing you. >> jimmy: i'm just testing you, to see if you're ready. >> steve: i'm one year old. >> jimmy: this one's from @passthepino. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: she says, "i told my 81-year-old mother that california uses a different internet so she stopped emailing me cat pictures." [ laughter ] that's mean, that's mean. >> steve: that's mean. >> jimmy: waking up the kid, that's -- >> steve: yeah, come on. that's kind of pino-ish. [ laughter ] >>immy: this one's from @sammyjaner. she ys, "i shake my step

it look like i beat my target." well, still coun. "ah, looks like i took, uh -- [ laughter ] oh, 10,000 steps, honey!" [ laughter ] >> steve: don't, don't. don't say anything! shut it! shut it! nothing. move on. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how old is your son again? >> he's 16.. >> jimmy: 16? yeah. how many steps has -- >> steve: he gets about 40,000 a day. [ laughter ] [ cheeee and applause ] >> jimmy: he must walk a lot. >> steve: yeah, he walks a lot. [ laughter ] in his room. >> jimmy: yeah, interesting. >> steve: laps. >> jimmy: apparently. >> steve: laps. >> jimmy: this one --

>> steve: he doesn't really. >> jimmy: this one's from @djjazzyjen. she says, "my kids make fun of me because we were talking about an internet meme and i pronounced it 'may may.'" [ laughter ] did you see the grumpy cat may may? [ laughter ] >> steve: oh, yeah. watch me whip. >> jimmy: watch me may may. watch me grumpy cat and total may may [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this one's from @ultrafaring13. he says, "i told my kids that my ice cream was spicy so i didn't have to share it." that is horrible! but it's smart. this one's from @steffiemurrow. she says, "i keep a fork in my purse just in case cake happens." [ laughter ] >> steve: yeah, come on! [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's the best one we've ever gotten. at is a t-shirt. steffie murrow should make a a t-shirt. >> steve: cake happens. >> jimmy: cake happens, dude. >> jimmy: this last one here is from @miaf. she said, "i had a steve`marvey birthday party for my 15th birthday. there's the pictures." >> steve: yeah! >> jimmy: i love that! i want to have a steve harvey birthday party. i love steve harvey! there you have it. those are our favorite "tonight show" hashtags.

favorites, go to tonightshow.com/hashtags. stick around, we'll be right back with more of "the tonight show," everybody! [ cheers and applause ] (boy) ma, pa - why do we settle for cable? (mom) because we're settlers and that's what we do. (girl) but with directv and at&t, you can get your tv and wireless service from one provider. (dad) are not we your providers? do we not provide you with this succulent jackrabbit pie? this delicious graywater soup? and a single lick of the family lolli every harvest moon? (vo) don't be a settler, get a $100 reward card when you switch to directv. how do they make starbrbst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to gegejuicy.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much and welcome to the show. [ cheers and applause ] fun crcrd tonight. this is a fun crowd. yeah, this is great. you guys, it's time for tonight show kid letters, here we go. tonight show kid letters kid letters tonight show >> jimmy: now we get letters from kids all over the world. they send us ideas, jokes, suggestions for the show. they're always great. and i wanted to share some with you right now. these are real letters from real kids, we do not make this up. our first kid letter comes from rhiannon. she's in fourth grade, shehe writes, "dear jimmy, my name is

song. [ laughter ] i'm in fourth grade, my mom and i love to watch your show and the roots are awesome! [ cheers a a applause ] my mom -- my mom thinks you're adorable. she's 49 and wants to be your cougar. whatever that means." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: whatever that means. >> steve: whever that means. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'll let your mom explain that to you, rhiannon. >> steve: rhiannon. >> jimmy: "even though my mom thinks you're adorable, she wouldn't mind having a cocktail with james." >> steve: ow! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this one is -- next one is from caroline, she's six years old. "dear jimmy. i rely want to let my chekins on your show. can i do that, please? p.s., you're so funny. p.s., guess what, chickek butt. [ laughter ] my mom and dad love you." well, caroline, guess why, chicken pot pie. [ laughter ] this one is from trevor, he's eight years old. my man trevor. he says "dear jimmy, my sister

at the wedding they had a photo booth. my uncle leo put on funny glasses and a hat for his picture. whenever we show anyone the picture, they think it's you. [ laughter ] your pal trevor." he included the picture, let's's take a look at it. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] take it off. i understand. no, i don't want to see my face. good for you, trevor. thank you. [ laughter ] this one's from sadie. age nine. "i think that jimmy should do a a segment completely focused on jokes written by kids. i don't know how it would work into the show, but there's some great jokes. here are some of them." and she -- she sent a few example jokes with photos and everythingng they're really funny. [ laughter ] here's the first one. "if you go to the ham contes what will the man say?" answer, "you won last ye, you

[ laughter and applause ] >> steve: what? >> jimmy: here's the next one. "what do you call a dinosaur with no eyes? shut up." [ laughter ] here's another. "what do you call a tiger with glasses on?? a scientist tiger." [ laughter ] this is making me lah. the last one is my favorite. "guess how many snakes there are? 13." [ laughter ] thank you for the jokes. katie, you got a career. yeah. >> steve: arthur -- >> jimmy: come right to show, yeah. 13 snakes. [ [ eers and applause ] i get it. >> steve: how many? >> jimmy: i get it. last one is from mazy, age seven -- she's seven and a half

[ laughter ] it sounds like my bullies from high school.& yeah. [ laughter ] "i really like your show, well my mom does, but she lets me watch you on youtube. you are very funny, but i really like the roots because they play music. i am a songwriter. i thought it would be an honor if the roots would play one of my songs. here's my best song." let me read you some of the lyrics, here. "i know you think i'm crazy but you are wrong. i know you think i'm sad or mad but you are wrong. i'm glad you're here, i'm not mad or sad that you're back. i know you think i'm crazy, bu you are wroooooi meang." [ laughter ] hold that -- you know what, macy, today is your lucky day. the roots liked your song so much, they put music to it. so now, here's the world premiere of "i know you thk i'm crazy." [ laughter ] from mazy and the roots. guys? [ cheers and applause ] i know you think i'm crazy but you are wrong i know you think i'm sad or mad but you are wrong i'm glad you're here i'm not mad or sad but you're back i know you think i'm crazy but you

>> jimmy: that's it. [ cheers and applause ] number one hit! that's all the time we have for kid letters. thank you to all the kids for sending letters. if you want to see yours on the show, email them to kidletters@tonightshow.com. stick around, wel be right back with clive owen,

[ cheers and applause ] oops, yo' mama sasa, ah! oopspsyo' mama said, ah! oops, yo' mama said, ah! oops, yo' mama! ! ! pepsi cola we got another one. i have an orc-o-gram!tfor an "owen." that's me. you should hire stacy dr. she wants to change the world with you. she can program jet engines to talk and such. her biggest weakness is she cares too much. thank you. my friend really wants a job at ge. mine too.

and s sjay patel is who you should hire. thank you. seriously though, stacy went to a great school and she's really loyal. you should give her a shot. sanjay's a team player and uh... ooss, yo' mama said, ah! oops, yo' mama said, ah! oops, yo' mama said, ah! oops, yo' mama! feels like i'dreaming, but i'm not sleeping.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest tonight is an academy award nominated and golden globe award winning actor. he stars in the new movie, "the confirmation," which is in select theaters and on demand this friday. everyone, please welcome clive owen!

>> jimmy: good god. come on they love you. clive owen. [ laughter ] thank you for being here. >> raging. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for coming back to the show. >> appreciate it. >> jimmy: i'd like you know i love having you here. and i just want to wish you a a happy st. patrick's day. >> oh, look at this. >> jimmy: there you go. yeah, yeah, yeah. cheers. this freshly -- >> oh, looks like a good pint. >> jimmy: a freshly poured guinness. >> i thought we'd do the show and then go for a pint. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, we just do during the show now. yeah. >> cheers. >> jimmy: why not. yeah, who cares. >> you want? >> jimmy: no, no. stop. [ laughterer i have more of the show to do. yeah, yeah. or else, yeah. or else, i'd take you on. guinnesss your jam, right? you like it? >> i love guinness. >> jimmy: is it well done? >> yes. tasty. that's a very good guinness. >> jimmy: it's a goon guinness. >> yeah it is a good guinness. >> jimmy: do you really -- do you know your stuff? >> i do, yeah. >> jimmy: right, cause -- >> wrever i shoot around the world, i always try and find the bar that has the best guinness. >> jimmy: have you ever -- >> i love guinness. >> jimmy: you must have been to ireland. >> i've been to ireland. yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, have you had the best guinness in ireland? >> i was told to go to a pub called hurricanes, which is

guinness in dublin. and i was standing there with a a friend, and suddenly two pints came over, and the guy said they're f fm this woman over there, and she came over and she was head of pr for guinness. and she said, you obviously know your guinness, because this is one of the best pints in@dublin. >> jimmy: is that right? >> so i said to her, what makes a great pint of guinness? you know. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> and then -- >> jimmy: that's opening up a a can of worms. >> there is a lot of things. >> jimmy: it's a lot of things, yeah. >> it's a lot of things. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, i've been taught. >> it seems like the most important thing is the turnover. you have to pour a lot of pints. if it sits in the barrel for too long, that's not good. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but also, if you clean the glasses in the same thing you clean the food plates, that's not good. >> jimmy: oh, is that right? >> cleaning the pipes, what they clean the pipes with. how often they clean the pipes -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> it's a whole science. >> jimmy: ah, and it's in the shape of the glass. now it's a complete science. >> but this is good truth. >> jimmy: th there's the pull and then there's -- >> not having anymore? no? >> jimmy: of course. [ laughter ] after we show you a clip, we'll come back and it'll be empty. >> it's some personal -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and then -- [ talking over each other ] mustaches, yeah.

but t eland is where you and -- where you met your wife? you started dating your wife? >> actually, well, no, it's not where i met her. we -- we did a european tour of f "romeo and juliet" actually, and we did it for seven months, and we kind of fell r each other. but it was a little strange because it was -- what was the worry was if romeo and juliet get together, and then it goes a little strange or pear-shaped, the rest of the tour would be a little weird. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, romeo and juliet, they don't really like each other. but either way. yeah, you guys get the idea of this play. >> so, but about halfway throug yeah. we got together in belfast. >> jimmy: belfast, yeah. now how many years have you been married? >> 20 years. jimmy: 20 years. good for you, buddy. [ cheers and applause ] >> drink i'll drink to that. >> jimmy: cheers to that. i'll drink to that. and how's -- now somebody here you said your daughter, hannah, watches my show every morning. >> every morning. >> jimmy: yeah, and i -- >> she's your biggest fan. >> jimmy: and i said -- >> they're both h ing to college, so things she does, she gets and watches the show from the night before. >> jimmy: and i said hi, hannah.

yeah. i don't forget eve. sorry, eve. eve, please. eve, thanks for -- we have a a relationship that she goes without saying. she gets a hfrom me every -- eve, hi. yeah. [ laughter ] but -- but did they watch? >> they did watch, yeah. they were@very thrilled. and also i think a friend, because i mentioned ethan, her friend as well. so he got a call-out as well. >> jimmy: hi, ethan. laughter ] now this is getting ridicucuus. you have -- i have to honor 29 kids. [ laughter ] no, but thinking of kids, i'm psyched, i'm happy that they watch the show. and they see it on the internet? yeah, they love it. yeah. >> jimmy: ohohthat's it. come on, that's awesome. i mean, and you're -- you're a cool dad, right? you're like mister -- you're clive owen. >> yeah-ish. yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: but they must love you. >> no, i've got very low status in my house. [ laughter ] i'm you know, very low status. i'm not -- i'm not cool to them at all. >> jimmy: really? >> no, of course n n. >> jimmy: well, this is -- i mean you could be, you're on he tonight show." >> i mean i'm cool if i could get to you say hi to them during the show. but, apart from that -- >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. no, you know, come on, please.

wouldn't they understand? >> of course, yeah. yeah. i've embarrassed them lots of times. i think one of the things that we often laugh about is i took them to -- i'm a huge liverpool fan, football. and i took them to -- i think it was their first game. and it was against fulham, and hierarchch so we got there and they started chanting for liverpool and i'm like, guys, guys, keep it down. we're guests of the other team. don't keep shouting for liverpool like that. it was a very important game towards the end of the season where we were going for the title. and then last minute of the game, we scored and i went crazy. [ laughter ] just instinctively jumped , shouted. at one point, i was like -- >> jimmy: take your shirt off. >> i was across them and they were like, "this is so embarrassing." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: dad, you're the worst. [ laughter ] i don't care if you're a movie star. eww, get out of here! [ cheers a a applause ] clear a doughnut, dad! eat some doughnuts. [ laughter ] but you're a good -- you're a a stud, you're a movie star.

a carpenter in this film. in real life? >> not at all, no. me, too. >> terrible, tetrible, >> jimmy: i like the toolbox you have. >> yeah? >> jimmy: i have a truck and i i need for my truck and i want one of those plastic toolboxes in the back. do with them. [ laughter ] but it's a good gift for if anyone's looking t tbuy me a a gift. [ laughter ] i really like those plastic containers wherehey keep then you got a secret little cubbyhole. >> the old butiful wood tool kit is just a box -- >> jimmy: no, no. the plastic one -- [ laughter ] the box that gets stolen in the movie. i don'care about that. it's the plastic thing that -- that's so cool-looking, i love that. because it's like, yeah, i'm a a man, dude. [ laughter ] i got tools in the back of my truck. that's awesome. yeah. that's -- i want one of those things. i just -- after watching the movie, i'm like, "that's what i need. for my next thing. i don't need anything, but i do need that. yeah, that's -- but it's a very funny movie. the kid who plays yourtson. >> he's amazing. >> jimmy: that kid is charming. >> that kid is unbelievably good.

>> jaedelieberher. honestly, i had one of the best times with this kid. i mean -- >> jimmy: it looked like fun. >> he's a freak of nature. he's already -- no, he is. he's like, completely fully formed. he's now 13, he was about 11 when we made the film, anan every day was a joy. because the kid is unbelievably good. >> jimmy: really. 13 and how many steps does he do a day? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] we have a clip, here's clive owen in "the confirmation." take a look at this. >> that sods better. >> yes. sounds pretty go. >> it does sound pretty good. let's go find my tools. to turn you upside-down you feel kicked to the curb to the ground [ bleep [ horn honking ]

that was the problem. [ horn honking ] >> i forgot. mom said the brakes were starting to go out. >> jimmy: yeah, oops. oops, i forgot to mention that. clive owen, "the confirmation" opens in select theaters and on demand this friday. nia vardalos joins us after the break. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] shopping for an suv? well, this is the time. and your ford dealer is the place, to get 0% financing for 60 months on a ford suv. that's right. just announced. ford explorer...edge...escape... and expedition... are available with 0% financing for 60 months. ford suvs. designed to help you be unstoppable. no wonder ford is america's best lling brand. but hurry, 0% &inancing for 60 months on ford suvs is a limited time offer.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is the ar and academy award-nominated writer of "my big fat greek wedding," which is the highest-grossing romantic comedy of all time. [ cheers and applause ] and now she's bringing us the eagerly awaited sequel, "my big fat greek wedding 2," which really made me laugh. it opens march 25th. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the lovely, the

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: : at is a white wedding. hi, you look gorgeous. >> hi! >> jimmy: welcome to the show. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: i want you, because i don't know how much time we have to talk to you. >> okay. >> jimmy: i'a big fan of yours. but i want you to tell the rue mcclanahan story. >> oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: you know what i'm talking about? >> o oy, sure. >> jimmy: yeah. this was when you were doing -- there was a one person, one-woman show. >> i had written an screenplay to "my big fat greek wedding", and i couldn't get it read, because my agent dropped me. she told me i wasn't pretty enough tbe a leading lady. yeah! and not fat enough to be a a character actress. like she didn't say, you're not fat, like a character -- she said yououe not fat enough. thank you! thank you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they just made -- >> so i jumped up on stage and did the material as a a one-peon show. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and john ratzenberger from "cheers" came. right? and rue mcclanahan came. and i was so excited she was in the audience. >> jimmy: there was a golden

so cool. so her assistant came up to me after the show and she said, "rue would like to have you over for dinner." and i was like, okay. she said "can i have your number?" and i was like "it's on the poster. that's the number you called if you come over." it was our home phone number. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. >> yeah. because i'm not cool. so, we're driving there and my husband ian is a new yorker. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i'm from canada. so, i'm much more naive and understand -- i was like, i believe rue mcclanahan wants to have us over. we're driving over there and ian, the new yorker, is like "why are we going there?" [ light laughter ] i'm like "rue mcclanahan saw my show and she wants to have us for dinner." so, the assistant had called me and they wanted to do a whole greek dinner. and she e d asked me for all these ingredients and everything. so we get there, the assistant opops the door, i can see like rue and like susan rattan and people were out, estelle getty were out on the patio having drinks and i was like, "oh, my god. i'm so excited to walk out there. the assistant takes my arm, takes me to the kitchen and there's all of these ingrients set out and she goes "okay, here's the greek ingredients, start cooking." [ laughter ]

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's my favorite story. it's so funny. what's your husband -- >> my husband, i didn't want to look at my husband, because i could feel his hot eyes boring into the side of my face. [ light laughter ] and i was like, all right, and opening up the phyllo pastry like, "first you butter it." [ laughter ] i was just like "oh, my god." >> jimmy: do a demo. >> so, i make the dinner. go out there, i meet the people. they come in, they have dinner. nobody is talking to us. it's just awkward and quie and we eat the dinner and i'm like, this is weird. ian's looking. so i finally thought, we should go. we stood up and we said, "well, thank you for having us, i guess we're going to go" and i guess rue mcclanahan, i felt she must have sensed something was odd. because as we walked to the door she said -- "wait, wait, wait, can you give estelle getty a ride home?" [ laughtht ] >> jimmy: that's the best part of the story. so, she gets in the back of your car? >> no, she gets to the fnt seat. estelle getty is in the front seat and i'm in the back, just like, "oh, my god." and i don't want to look at ian. and she's like this, "i don't get it, are you a chef?" she's saying to me in the back seat. and i was like "no,

i have a greek show." and you cook in it. she said. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: the best thing is you gave estelle gettyty ride home. >> the best. >> jimmy: that's my favorite story, ever. "my big fat greek wedding" is the highest-grossing romananc comedy of all time. did you know that? [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: well done, well done. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: and it's so funny. [ cheers and applause ] this sequel -- everyone can't wait for it. it's super funny. there's so many bits, and they just really made me laugh. i want to show a clip. here's nia vardalos in "my big fat greek wedding 2." take a look at this. >> i guess when my d dghter started to pull away, i should have retreated, but i stayed too close. i kept volunteering at her school. i wanted her to think i was cool again. >> oh! >> loser. >> then i remembered -- i've

>> here comes the principal. >> my husband has always been cool. heust has it. and he always knows the perfect thing to say. >> you okay, babe? >> uh-huh. >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. >> jimmy: just coming in. >> wind. yeah. >> jimmy: got the beyonce wind machine. >> yeah. >> jimmyhe's got to be psyched. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i asked, we normally never show two clips from a a movie. but i asked for this clip. because gosh, it really made me laugh. it's you being very funny. you're a very funny physical comedienne. >> jimmy: this is nia vardalos at a doctor's, waiting. just watch. it's really short. >> you know what, guys? suck the chocolate off those nuts. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that just made me laugh. oh, my gosh. >> thank you. >> jimmy: well done. that was really well done.

[ cheers and applause ] opens march 25th. we'll be right back with stand-up comedy from jimmy carr! stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] we got another one. i have an orc-o-gram for an "owen." that's me. you should hire stacy drew. she wants to change the world with you. she can program jet engines to talk and such. her biggest weakness is she cares too much. thank you. my friend really wants a job at ge. mine too. i'm a wise elf from a far off shire. and sanjay patel is who you should hire. thank you. seriously though, stacy went to a great school and she's really loyal. you should give her a shot. sanjay's a team player and uh... don't use windex to make windows spotless and clear! go see my big fat greek wedding 2 and learn how to use windex the right way on weird stuff! not on windows! who's got tickets? i do!

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is a a popular british television host and the first british comedian to have a netflix original special. starting tomorrow, you can catch "jimmy carr: funny business" streaming on netflix. please welcome the very funny jimmy carr! [ cheers and applause ] >> well, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. hello, i'm jimmy carr, i should explain, i look like this because my dad is irish and my mum is roger federer. [ light laughter ] a nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, "some [ bleep ]hole got

[ laughter and applause ] friend of mine said, "what rhymes with orange?" i said, "no, it doesn't." [ laughter ] i went to a proper showbiz party recently and brad pitt was there. and they say never meet your heroes, but i think brad handled it really well. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] flooding. flooding is pretty bad. there's been tererble flooding all over england recently. i was watching t t news, i saw a woman on the news in her ooded kitchen, crying. [ light laughter ] i couldn't help but think -- crying is not helping. [ laughter and applause ] if anything, you're making matters worse. [ light laughter ]

christmas, i made snow angels. i skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians. [ light laughter ] [ audience ohs ] they're just jokes. [ light laughter ] that's bad example. that last one happened. but most of them are just jokes. [ laughter ] i got talking to a north african girl in her native language for hours. we just clicked. [ laughter and applause ] anthropology jokes, everyone. some comics lie to an audiencece they pretend they recently broke up witita girl, that she left for another guy. it's a total lie. the reason they tell that lie is to elicit sympathy from attractive female audience members, so then after the show they can get talking to them. they've got the sympathy in, and they can try and pick them up and ultimately try and sleep with them. rest assured, i would never do that, because i think it would be disrespectful to the memory of my wife.

i just need to be held. my girlfriend and i recently had a proper conversation about pornography. some of you may share her sentiment. shshsaid to me, she said, "i don't get porn. i've never got porn. why would i want to watch two people have sex?" i said, "two? [ laughter ] people?" [ light laughter ] you lost me. i've been described, ladies and gentlemen, as a sex symbol. and that symbol is a question mark. [ [ ght laughter ] followed by a no. [ lighghlaughter ] when a man changes his facebook status from "single" to "in a a relationship," i think it should say, "under new management." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i don't like spending too much time with my girlfriend's family, because her husband is

[ light laughter ] i find most young women make a a lot of noise in the bedroom. i guess they're not expecting to see anyone at their window. [ laughter ] i was in bed with a gi recently, and she said to me, she said, "i want tonight to be magical." and it was. after we had sex, i disappeared. [ laughter and applause ] i've got a question for everyone in here. who here has had bad sex? who's not saying it because they're with the person they had the bad sex with? [ laughter ] there's something you can get, ntlemen, if you have or you perceive that you have a small penis. it's called an audi convertible. [ light laughter ] have you got an audi convertible there, sir? [ light laughter ] have you?

she just gave you a look like something in the joke related to you. [ light laughter ] and you're saying it definitely wasn't the car. [ light laughter ] my jokes occasionally get me into trouble. i got stopped speeding recently and the officer came to the window of my car, as they do, and he said, " do you know how fast you were going?" and i said, "i'm sorry, it was clearly too fast, my apologies." he said, "88 miles an hour." i said, "i was trying to get back to 1955." [ light laughter ] [ applause ] the most common superstition in the world today is the belief in horoscopes. and there's a name for people that believe in horoscopes. they're called single women. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] well that's all i got time for. thank you very much indeed. cheers, good night. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh! jimmy carr!

jimmy carr! check out jimmycarr.com for upcoming u.s. standup dates. we'll be right back, everybody. jimmy carr.

? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to clive owen, nia vardalos, jimmy carr once again, everybody! [ eers and applause ] thank you, thank you so much. give it up for the roots, right there, everybody, from philadelphia, pennsylvania. [ cheers ] stay tuned for "late night with se meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. e-bye, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: from

seth meyers." tonight -- jennifer garner. from "silicon valley," actor and comedian thomas middleditch. star of nbc's "heartbeat," melissa george. featuring the 8g band with matt cameron. cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, sese meyers! >> seth: good evening i'm seth meyers. this i"late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] fantastic. in that case, let's get to the news. today is st. patrick's day, which commemorates the timwhen st. patrick drove all the drunks out of new jersey and into manhattan. [ laughter ] today is st. patrick's day, which means tomorrow morning, a lot of people will be doing the walk of seamus. [ laughter ] a new poll has found that half women in the u.s. say they have a very unfavorable view of donald trump. of course, only one woman has

[ laughter and applause ] a new study shows that donald trump's speeches are only at a seventh grade reading level, which is kind of a burn on trump, but a huge burn on "flowers for algernon." [ laughter and applause ] it was reported yesterday that an op-ed written by donald trump seems to have been blatantly plagiarized from an article itten by dr. ben carson days before. people first became suspicious when trump's op-ed began, "as a black doctor -- " [ laughter and applause ] mcdonalds is currently selling its bright green shamrock shakes in honor of st. patrick's day. so, look for them at mcdonald's today and all over subway platforms tomorrow. a team of computer scientists have developed a new algorithm