[telephone rings] hello. a political poll? i never have before, but go ahead, shoot. i don't know. i don't know. i don't even know what that means. who? ohh, right. i don't know. [dialing] uh, hello? [dialing] one moment, douglas, i'm making a phone call. yeah. i'm already on the phone, ok? i'm taking a poll. my apologies. carry on. sorry about that, guy. go ahead. i don't know. how could you not know that? arthur, would you just hang up, please?! why should i? the man's conducting a political poll and he has a right to speak to someone who's not an ignoramus! oh, yeah? if you're so smart, why don't you tell him that you live in my basement?

why don't you tell him you're enormous? why don't you tell him that your total salary last year was $12?! that was after taxes! arthur, just stop talking, would you, please? sorry about that, guy-- hello? hello? ♪ my eyes are gettin' weary ♪ ♪ my back is gettin' tight ♪ i'm sittin' here in traffic ♪ ♪ on the queensboro bridge tonight ♪ ♪ but i don't care, 'cause all i want to do ♪ ♪ is cash my check and drive right home to you ♪ ♪ 'cause, baby, all my life ♪ ♪ i will be drivin' home to you ♪ captioning made possible by sony pictures television

get ready to laugh. hon, i'm in the middle of something here, ok? i'm on my route today, right? doug? mommy's busy. but this is a really funny story. ok, just because i'm doing this project from home doesn't mean i'm sitting around here doing nothing. ok? my boss wants me to translate this humongous piece of real estate jargon crap into layman's terms so a jury can understand it, ok? i don't have time for your little story. mm-hmm, but you did have time for that story. which, by the way, was a snoozefest. please? fine. how many times have i asked you not to do that?

i'm sorry. look, i'm clearly starved for attention. all right, fine. tell me your damn story! i'm in my truck, right? i'm making my stops. nothing out of the ordinary, when i look down at the address label on my next delivery. guess what the guy's name is? i don't know. what? bubka penis. gimme a break. that's not the guy's real name. yes, it was. i asked him for proof. he showed me his driver's license. doug, nobody's last name is penis. nobody frthis country, snob. he happens to be from israel. apparently it's like smith over there. ok, so is that it? is that your story? know what? if you didn't laugh at a ralph penis, i'd understand. but bubka? [doorbell rings] come on in, holly! hey, arthur, you ready for your walk? i've been ready since you dropped me off on tuesday. ok, well, i guess we should get going, then. what's wrong?

nothing. nothing. it's no big deal. now let's go enjoy this beautiful day! [crying] i can't shake the feeling that something's bothering you. i'm getting kicked out of my apartment. why? the guy i was subletting it from, he was living with someone. well, now he's starting to think that maybe he's not gay. ugh, it's a whole story. where will you go? i don't know. maybe my step-brother's tool shed. he's gonna let me know. nonsense. you'll stay here with me in the basement till you find a new place. no. no, i couldn't. there'll be no hanky-panky. to be honest, the whole dog-walker thing is a pretty big turn-off. are you coming down for breakfast? no. i have too much to do. you got to have breakfast. honey, i'm fine. just go ahead.

what's happening here, baby? well, holly's gonna be down there and... i'll have to... talk to her. so? you talk to her all the time. no. i say hello and good-bye, but now we'll be just sitting there eating and it'll be, like, "hey, what's the deal with milk?" so then don't talk to her. that's more awkward. doug, then skip breakfast, ok? oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

[bowl clinks] [clattering] [bag crinkling]

[falling cereal tinkles] holly: arthur, i'm gonna go grab some breakfast! arthur: okey-doke! morning, doug. hey. hey. i just wanted to say thanks again for taking me in. i really appreciate that. no problem. want some cereal? sure. ok. heh. there you go. yeah.

[sighs] cereal. it's what it's all about. mm-hmm. [chuckles] hey, arthur! come on up for breakfast, buddy! you know i can't start my day without my 2 scoops of artie! arthur: i don't know what that means, but it sounds terrifying! [sighs]

funny thing happened to me the other day at work. [mouth full] really? what? i delivered a package to this guy named bubka penis. [choking] hands up! hands up! hands up! there you go. oh, man, i am sorry. that was just-- that was so funny. d-don't apologize. it was funny. god, funny things must happen to you all the time on your job. oh, they do. they do. here. have some more cereal. oh, thank you. hey, you, uh, coming down for breakfast? nah. ok. hey. hey. what you doing? oh, i got up early, so i thought i'd make some breakfast, just a little thank-you for having me. would you like some pancakes, eggs, and hand-cut bacon?

yes, yes, and... hell, yes. well, it'll be ready in just one second. oh, i'm sorry. that's kinda gross, right? i'll give 5 bucks if you can finish it. get out! wow! you the man. i don't know if i have 5 bucks on me. ooh, i do have this arby's coupon. that's as good as cash in this house. great. well, have a seat. i've got a lot of food coming up. i hope you're hungry. ok. all right. here you go. oh, hey, you want me to wheel the tv in so you can watch while you eat? hey, you coming down for dinner? mmm. so--ahh. there you go. oh, man.

i'm so frickin' uptight. i can't get anything done. [resignedly] let's have sex. thanks, baby. holly: hope you like chocolate!

was about 30 seconds after i woke up. still not smoking! seven days. nicorette takes just enough of the edge off the need. i still want to light up, but i don't have to. (announcer) you can do it. nicorette can help.

jan and dean: ♪ 2 girls for every boy ♪ i bought a '30 ford wagon, and we call it a woody ♪ hey. just wanted to let you know you're doin' a great job up here. thanks, honey. mmm. ♪ surf city, here we come

♪ well, it ain't got a back seat or a rear window ♪ ♪ but it still gets me where i want to... ♪ i just want you to know, you down here, it's working out great. well, thanks, doug. do you want your morning coffee on the sofa today? why not? ♪ 2 girls for every boy... ♪ i'm tellin' ya, it's great. if i want somebody to laugh at my stories, cook for me, be nice to me, i got holly on this floor. if i want someone to have sex with, yell at the phone company, tell me when to take a shower, i got carrie up thar. upstairs wife, downstairs wife, happy. you're full of it. you don't believe it? check this out. this came wet today. so? so... carr! paper boy threw the paper in the sprinklers! carrie: what?! i'm gonna kill that little bastard! thank you, upstairs wife. and as far as this mess is concerned--hey, hol?

yeah, doug? yeah, this paper came wet today, and i kind of wanted to read the sports section. well, let me blow-dry that for you. thank you, downstairs wife. my nipples are hard. this is disgusting! this is an insult to carrie. she's the woman you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. look, if i had to choose one of them, i'd probably choose her. you do have to choose! mmm, not at the moment. ohhh. why are you so lucky? i mean, i bust my hump all day. i got 2 kids. do i get an extra wife? no. that goes to the white man. this is not just good for me, all right? this sunday, the fight on pay-per-view? we can all watch it here 'cause carrie's gonna be upstairs in her office. so we can smoke all the stogies we want. plus, holly knows a guy who can get us cubans. ok, those are illegal. i've--i've had it. you guys don't respect marriage or trade embargoes. [door slams] so, any requests for fight night? 'cause holly can make anything. i say we go with, like, a taco bar.

holly will probably be circulating around here with hors d'oeuvres, so no one's gonna go hungr-- hey. can i help you? i finished my report. what? yeah. i worked so hard this week, and then i finished early, so for the rest of the weekend it's just you and me on the couch, buddy. y-you mean, this couch down--down here? yeah. just do me a favor and look this over, make sure it's not too complicated, ok? 'kay, not sure if i like work boots on the coffee table, ok? uh, sorry. thank you. uh, hon, is this supposed to be understandable to regular people? yeah. why? well, like this part here: [haltingly] "the jurors should only consider evidence germane to the issues at hand." [whispers] what?! what? i'm totally lost here. what, are you suing jermaine jackson? is he suing you? what's goin' on? oh, come on, you gotta be kidding me. i'm serious. look at this thing. it's full of big words. look at this: "litigation," "facade," "constantine." that's the defendant's last name.

you're being an imbecile. all right, well, if you don't have any imbeciles on your jury, i think you're gonna be fine. oh, the jury's gonna be full of imbeciles. the smart people get out of jury duty. now i have to do this whole report over again. [sighs] oh, gosh. i'll walk you upstairs, baby. here we go. there you are. hey, and if you get a little stressed out, you need a little ♪ bow-wow, chicka-wow-wow you just give me a holler. so, anyway, i'm sure you're comfortable here and all, but, you know, if you ever need a change of scenery, we got plenty of room in our apartment. that's really sweet of you. actually-- uh, hol, could you go into the kitchen and see how we're doing mini-donut-wise? oh, i think we have 2 boxes left. [sing-song] thinking isn't knowing. you're right. you're right. what the hell are you doin'? nothin'. you're trying to steal my downstairs wife. you don't even have a downstairs! so? sh-she'll be futon wife.

look, i'm just lookin' for someone to iron my shirts without bitching about it. look, i'll see you sunday. come on. and you, too. let's go. what did i do? i look at you, and i see trouble. arthur: and if you look over here, you'll see this one's perfect for you. it's a lovely one-bedroom with a kitchenette. hey! it looks really nice. what's, uh-- what's goin' on here? oh, arthur found me some apartments. oh, and we do have 2 boxes of mini-donuts left. great, great. uh, could you go into the garage and check out the diet dr. pepper situation? i think we've got about 4 case-- oh. thinking isn't knowing. [laughs] here, let me go check. hey, guy. you were the one who wanted holly to stay here. why are you rushin' her out? this roommate thing's not for me. spitting out our toothpaste at the same time was only cute once. are you kidding me? that sounds adorable. hell, it's cute enough just watching you do it. sorry. she's history. ok, you listen up and you listen good, old man.

i got a good thing goin' with holly down here and carrie upstairs, ok? so you just forget about all this apartment stuff. but i want holly out. yeah, well, i want holly to stay. i guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. well, why don't we agree that i'm very big and you're very brittle? i could get on board with that. yeah. so here's how it's gonna go down--whoa! it's a little early for a break, huh, little lady? oh, i'm just gonna get some coffee. oh, i'll make you coffee. that's what i'm here for. you go get back up in that zone. get in the zone, girl! [laughing] you get up there! wha-cha! ok, i got decaf, regular, a few slices of turkey, some tampons, and tseabiscuit dvd with extras. you're all set here. um, thanks? [chuckles] hey, thank you for being you. all right, i gotta scoot. what are you-- what are you doing? i'm just seeing if the door can lock from the outside. why would the door lock from the outside? i know. it's crazy.

ok, be productive! [sighs] oh, how did those mormons do it? boy, your downstairs wife really knows her way around a chimichanga. tequila shots, boys! ohh! [chuckles] [inhales] mmm. i just love the smell of cigars. something about it just makes me wanna bake. doug, great party. oh, thanks, man. i wanna introduce you to my sister melinda. hi. thanks for having me. it's the least i could do with you having to go through life with this guy as your brother. ah, watch it. you wanna stay on melinda's good side. she does p.r. for nassau coliseum. yeah. if you ever want tickets to anything, just give me a call. coliseum wife? do i dare? crowd: ohh!

hey, you like the seats? oh, they're great! any chance i can do that zamboni thing? [laughs] stop by the locker room later, and i'll introduce you to some of the players. 'kay. coliseum wife, you're my favorite. [telephone rings] hello? oh, hey, doug. no, no, no, i-- i understand. well, i mean, if she's gonna introduce you to the players, you gotta stay. [chuckles] no, no, don't worry about me. ok. bye. hey. [curtly] hey. [slamming drawers] everything ok? oh, no, no, it's fine, except i spent all day making doug's favorite dishes, and now they're just gonna sit here and get cold, but does he care? no, no! because he's with some girl at his precious hockey game!

shouldn't i be the one who's upset about this? actually, yeah. what--what's goin' on here? open your eyes, you fools! the man has 3 wives! hey, hol, something smells great! carr, your lovah-man's comin' upstairs, so prepare yourself for--oh. hey. hey. [weakly] hey. look, i--i know emotions are running high right now, but let me just say this: coliseum wife? she's gone. 'cause this here, this is what works, huh? ok, i'm gonna go check into a hotel.

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good choice. only meineke lets you choose the service that's right... for you, your car, and your budget. at meineke, you're always the driver. i'm sorry i didn't show up at the game, melinda. i--i ran into a thing here at home. [angry shouting] no, i know you went to a lot of trouble and i appreciate that. look, let me make it up to you, ok? can you get me tickets for next tuesday? [shouting] oh, come on, baby, don't be like that. i love you. captioning made possible by sony pictures television captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org--

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