[cheers and applause] ♪ craig: welcome back, everybody. welcome back to the show where tonight geoff and i are celebrating the discovery of the good people from scotland.

right, geoff? geoff: ay. craig: he thinks that they sound like pirates. people in scotland say, you sound american. geoff: you with your electric tie. craig: with your electric tie and your nipple zapping. i was watching television over there. scotland, england. don't get into that. i was watching television. and they have a way of talking. what they do is there. whenever someone's talking, they say. today her majesty the queen went

to shop. they start like this and end like this. for example if we were watching british television i would say welcome back to the show and geoff. it's almost as if they begin a sentence and someone is grabbing to testicles an then the person lets go of the testicles. did you notice that? geoff: i couldn't understand a word that you said at all. [laughter] craig: i think it comes from -- there used to be an australian broadcaster called alan wicker. he would always talk like there and finish his sentence like that. and i think they all copied him. geoff: i think that's very interesting. i'm lying. [laughter] craig: and then, i was watching this. and they have quitea lot of the

"downton abbey." they've got "upstairs, downstairs" and they have "titanic," the same goo that wrote "downton abbey" and the british press are calling it "drownton abbey." i think that's a terrible thing to say. geoff: what a horrible way to mike life a tragedy. craig: you're right, geoff. and i don't know why anybody would want to do that in this day and age. what time is it, geoffrey peterson? geoff: i believe it's time for tweet mails. craig: look at the thing. ♪ euro crashes and euro litter head on the dance floor and shake your twitter

bum bum bum bum bum bum check the tweets plus your e-mails ♪ craig: plus your e-mail ♪ all right. this is from alan in montreal, quebec. alan, says, hi, craig and geoff. oh, no he said montreal, quebec. so he's probably french canadian, isn't he? geoff: yes. craig: [french accident] hello -- french accen." hello craig and geoff, i bought my wife a very expensive necklace which she lost two days later. do i have to buy her another one? no, man, it's not your fault that your wife lost her necklace. yeah, you do.

actually, you do. what do you say, geoff? geoff: i would say it's time for a divorce. craig: what, geoff, that is insane! we're only talking about a necklace, not the end of a relationship. geoff: ok. craig: this is from carolle in oklahoma city in oklahoma. she says dear craig and geoff, somebody left a note on my windshield asking me out on a date. have you heard of such a thing? yes, it's very popular with serial killer. would you like to go out on a date? [laughter] p.s., it puts the lotion in the basket. i'm sorry for making light of terrible tragedy. geoff: put the lotion on the basket or it gets the hose

again. [laughter] craig: that's great! that's perfect! it puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose again. put the lotion in the basket. all right. this is from kevin in rochester, new york. look, i know the time's up. don't you worry about i, all right? everything will be fine. demevpb rochester, new york says, hi craig and geoff, do you think people get -- what? do you think people really do get weirder when there is a full moon. i don't know about that. geoff? geoff: oh, yeah, man. craig: what do you mean? geoff: not only do they get weeder, they start to smell like biscuits. craig: we'll be right back, today, we st everybody.

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[cheers and applause] ♪

craig: shhh. geoff, geoff, dance with me like we learned in scotland. [laughter] my first -- my first -- [laughter] are you all right? geoff: you dance like you're having a stroke. craig: my first guest today is the host of "the talk" which is each haverpb on cbs. take a look that. >> someone said that i look like angela bassett and she's beautiful. but she is at least 10 years older. >> black don't crack. >> i often have been mistaken for connie chung. she's like 65. as you say black don't crack. well, chinse stay finese.

geoff: what the hell? craig: julie chen, everybody. julie chen. julie. >> nothing rimes with chinese. craig: you luke finese. i like this. did you ever see those old movies when the beautiful gypsy girl plays the violin before count dracula bites her? >> you are not going to bite me. craig: i wasn't going to until you said it. now i'm thinking, play the violin and we'll see where it ends up. >> now that could be interpreted

as something racist. asian and playing the violin? but growing up chinese was not finese. it was either take your pick. violin or the apitcuk. craig: you're a professional broadcaster. have you ever been to britain? >> yes. craig: have you ever noticed that people start talking like this and then end like this? >> i never realized it until you pointed it out. it's the journalist that want to get your attention and then they drop off. craig: they start off really concerned and then they couldn't really care less. it's true. how are things going on "the talk"? you getting along? >> yes. we're getting along. every day, we have one belly

laugh. craig: i thought you were going to say something else there for a minute. >> season three. no -- craig: belly laugh is not code for anything? >> no. no. it's our second season and the women are all so funny. we play off of each other and everyone day someone manages to surprise the rest of the ladies. we know the topics that are going to go on the show. craig: just like me and geoff. that's what we do. really. we kind of know where it's going to be. well, i know he's going to be over there near the podium. >> geoff is not agreeing with you. craig: i kind of know that's going to happen. >> we have our morning meeting. and our executive producer shows off the topics. we've got enough good stuff here. save it for the show. so i have an idea of what

somebody says but then something happens on live television. you start feeding off the energy and off-the-cuff comment. craig: it's very live your show. we're live but it's not as live as your show. >> live, live, there's no do-over. craig: have you ever said something -- >> well, sharon osbourne said something today. she was saying that she loves ozzy. she says that she loves his willy. i didn't know that she could say that during the day. now i know show. craig: so if i walked out here and said, it's a great day for america. i love ozzie's willy? everybody's good? >> and then we were laughing about it. an then something caused me to repeat what i said. but i was hesitating, -- i wear

an ear piece for her to say, don't go there, don't say it. but i realize, we're on a seven-second delay. if i say it, they just have a little button. the problem is we don't beep the people out. we drop the audio for 30 seconds. so people at home -- i missed what you guys were saying. i didn't understand the joke because they lose a whole 30 seconds. craig: did you lose it? >> no, we didn't. but standards and practices are going to look into -- we definitely can say that word. craig: willy. >> but can you say it in that context? craig: why don't you say penis? >> now, that's not very british, is it? i didn't start high enough. craig: why don't you start with penis and then forget all about it?

>> exactly. i will suggest that. craig: you can try it. no. how are things -- "big brother" again this year? >> anybody that wants to be on the show -- you work for cbs. you cannot do it. craig: i'll quit. >> all right. then you're on. craig: i can be on "big brother." can i show my willy on "big brother"? >> it's mandatory that you show your willy. craig: most of the time, you must get your willy out. >> we should be so lucky. right now, you can find out if we're having an open casting call in your city. craig: really? >> yeah, because we have to get the group of 12 or so ready. all i could hear in my head is -- we're getting the group ready to go to the house, come early july. so people, you know --

craig: i'm fascinated by the show. how long has it been on? >> this will be the 14th season. last summer when i was talking about season number 13. i'm a very superstitious person. so i kept calling it lucky 13. craig: 13 is a lucky number. i have 13 letters in my name. >> and look at you. it's good. croich you know -- craig: you know, i thought we were friends. i thought we were friends but it turns out we're not. >> you went back to your school. you're a perfect example. by the way that's a good-looking tie. craig: i didn't like it when i was little but i like it now. >> you can't tell that it's yellow. craig: we have to take a break. you do this all the time.

>> yes. the new taurus is going to blow people away.... starting with the guys who built it. this taurus is pretty serious. i can't believe they're actually going to let me drive it. all right, it's got what? 360 horsepower. 365 horsepower. let's see what that feels like. so this is 365 horsepower. all while delivering really great fuel economy. so we're getting great fuel economy? cuz that's what i'm thinking about right now. thanksi'll take the usual. got it.

if you're open to choosing your own batter, mix-ins and toppings, come in today and build a stack you'll be proud of. only at denny's. and now i build them. i am a bigger is better kind of guy. i absolutely love building locomotives. i knew i wanted to design locomotives from when i was very young. [ jahmil ] from the outside it looks like such a simple device. when you actually get down into the bare bones of it, there's so much technology that's submerged. [ rob ] my welds are a signature, i could tell my welds apart from anybody's. you lay down that nice bead and you look at it, i love it. they don't go together by themselves. there are a lot of little parts, and everyone has their job. [ scott ] i'd love to see it out there

on the open tracks. and when i see it, i'm gonna know that i helped build that thing. [ train whistle blows ] here she comes! [ bell clanging ] [ train whistle blows ] wow! [ charlie ] well, it's one thing seeing them built, but then to see them out here, pulling freight across america, it makes us proud. ♪ i'm here to unleash my inner cowboy. instead i got heartburn.

[ horse neighs ] hold up partner. prilosec isn't for fast relief. try alka-seltzer. it kills heartburn fast. yeehaw! [cheers and applause] >> i think it was broadcasting school. craig: oh, hi. >> are we back already? wow, that was short. craig: we showed a very short commercial. they seem longer when the show's beamed to your house. [laughter] >> i'm not -- craig: you were expecting live commercials like the whole -- >> no, that felt like 30 seconds? craig: it feels faster because we're having scintillating conversations. >> you're naughty today.

craig: especially given the fact that your my boss' wife. that's very, very naughty. >> you've been out of the studio. craig: i've got a sense of freedom that may drive me to do insane things. >> you're on fire. you're on fire tonight. you're always funny. stop. craig: listen, we're out of time. what do you fancy, awkward pause, mouth organ or big cash prize? >> big cash prize. craig: what time is it, shadoe stevens? >> it's time for the big cash prize. craig: we have quarters in a bag with a dollar sign just like the burglars actually use. i'll give you a -- you can win it one of two ways. you can either answer a question or you can guess what's in my box. here's how that works. i imagine -- >> are i didn't know you had one. craig: no, i don't have one. i imagine one in my head. i imagine a box i my head, but

i don't know what's in it. only geoff knows what's in it. if you're correct, geoff will tell you. if you're in correct, something awful will happen. >> then i think i'll go with the question. craig: ok. question, it is. all right. here we are. you ready. >> make it easy, please. please don't embarrass me. craig: well, i wasn't going to, but -- >> i should have kept my mouth shut. craig: no, no. you'll get this. i'm pretty sure. it's a pretty tough question. you don't want to guess. ok? iceland is in the north atlantic. it's capital city is reykjavik. what is the average wage of the icelandic rural community? i made that up. >> there's vital information missing. hourly -- craig: the question is, president bill clinton's father

was a, a lawyer, b, a grocery store manager, or c, a traveling salesman? was he a, a lawyer? >> no, he wasn't. craig: or was he b, a grocery store manager? >> maybe. craig: or was he c -- >> a traveling salesman? craig: julie chen, everybody! we'll be right back. [ woman ] my boyfriend and i were going on vacation,

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[cheers and applause] craig: geoff, how tall are you? geoff: about 5'7". craig: about 5'7". i'm 6'2". 6 '3 1/2" if i'm lying. i just want you to get a sense of perspective in the upcoming moments, ok? geoff: ok. craig: any next guest is a