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hehee... if your dad knew he paid us $300 to hold hands and look at ourselves in a mirror he'd go crazy. good. he doesn't care about me at all. all he cares about are my stupid grades.

let's see how my dad likes it when i'm too sad because you dumped to pass my bio midterm. you're going to fail a test on purpose? you have never been more beautiful to me than you are right now. dale: after 60 hours on the air, folks i have to apologize. that last caller was not the real spiro agnew although he did make some cogent points. it's live talk radio, people. working without a net here. okay, our next caller-- and this is quite an honor-- former soviet premier leonid brezhnev. c, c+, two "b-"s. ( sighs ) you really did it this time, son. you set realistic goals and you reached them. way to go. peggy: with grades like that you could become governor, and then president someday. ( kahn screaming ) an f? a- is unacceptable

in this house. even regular a we're not so crazy about. what's going on? i'm so upset. i can't concentrate. the frog i had to dissect was looking at me just like bobby used to. but don't worry. pretty soon, i'll be getting much better grades. they're taking me out of honors bio and putting me in life skills class. ( screams ) huh! there it is again. now, the proper way to clean your ears is to gently swab around the rim. puncture the eardrum, and you'll hear a pop followed by a lifetime of silence. is this it? is he going to say anything about the anatomical structure of the ear? nope. just the cleaning. this is actually a review from yesterday. got that? cotton swabs. passing notes, connie? "i'm so bored i could kill myself." oh, my god.

i haven't seen you folks since connie won the science fair. yeah, well, things have gone downhill since then. we think she's suicidal. ( gasps ) no. i caught her passing this note to bobby. i got to make sure your kids aren't planning some kind of "i jump-you jump" dungeons and dragons crap. this isn't a suicide note. connie's just bored. i hope this is just a harmless note. it's possible that connie, for some reason just wasn't interested in my ear hygiene lecture. but isn't it more likely that she is a deeply troubled little girl for help? connie don't need help. she perfect. that's why we love her. kahn, you know what this is about. ( speaking rapid loatian ) okay, okay, okay. it's because bobby dumped connie. what? they broke up?

did you know about this? hank, i am not on trial here. kahn and minh are and possibly bobby and connie, but not me. can i have some water? it's all my fault! i never think he good enough for my girl. now i realize bobby hill only thing keeping her alive. well, thank you, carl. mom, dad, i'm so sorry. no, no, no. shh-shh. all your mother and i ever want for you is to be happy. that's why we push you so hard. and now you're not happy being away from bobby hill. so we push you right back together with him. oh, yeah... if i'm back together with bobby i won't want to kill myself. kahn: perfect! tonight, i take everyone out to fancy italian dinner at that's amore. i always have very strong feelings about hill family. now, those feelings are of love. dale: all right, let's see.

i told you about sperm-count- lowering soft drinks. told you about supercuts' catalog and dna. running dry here. wait! is there any concrete evidence that hawaii actually exists? no, i already covered that. hmm... does anyone remember the drifters? ( starts playing "under the boardwalk" ) ♪ oh, when the sun beats down and burns the tar ♪ ♪ up on the roof... all these years bobby wasn't good enough for connie. now, suddenly kahn's kissing our asses like the paper boy at christmastime. i'm not even sure bobby should take her back. as a person who has worked with children for many years i can tell you this: the suicidal ones are trouble. connie's not suicidal. she was just upset. it's not like when we were kids, peggy. teenagers in love today can get very emotional. which novelty tie goes better with this suit? piano or fish? piano. piano.

they call this place that's amore. ah, amore... love. so perfect. it is in the air tonight. now, let us drink to this young couple while they kiss and make up. well, i don't know if all parents are biased when they watch their kids kiss other kids but bobby really is the better kisser. ( playing slow music ) hey, it's "reunited" by peaches and herb. come on, you two. get out on dance floor. head on shoulder, very nice, all that jazz. ♪ reunited and it feels so good... ♪ it's so creepy the way they keep staring at us. on the plus side now that he thinks you want to kill yourself he hasn't tried to kill me.

♪ ...maybe this one is it... i must say, bobby is very light on his feet for a boy of his shape. like a young jackie gleason. what bobby doing tomorrow at 6:00? i scheduled connie for a bobby block every night this week. let's see, yeah. uh-huh, tomorrow at 6:00 it is. monday was the roller rink. tonight, we see bathtub of blood ii starring julia roberts' brother. kahn: hey, hank how about you and i mosey over to refreshment stand for long time? leave the lovebirds all alone. kissy-kissy. ( laughs ) oh... i thought what are you doing? never leave. first time all week we've been alone and you're doing homework? i'm not going to get into harvard

watching slasher films. is it me or is it getting a little nerdy in here? kahn: thanks for paying for milk duds. well, just getting you back for the steak and lobster. hey, try putting some of those duds in your popcorn; it's wild. can't you stop talking about school? oh, i wish joseph was here. now there's a guy who enjoys watching a good stabbing. well, i wish my violin was here. at least i'd have something to carry on an intelligent conversation with. i wish it was here so i could throw it out the window. i'd like to see you try. it would be bobby hill's last movement. huh? you don't even get it. it's a music joke: movement. oh! my mind went right to poop. ah, it's always poop with you. why aren't windows all fogged up? my god, what happened to the mrs. i.p. daily i checked into the jolly roger with? she doesn't want to have to pick a medical school based on what clown college you get into!

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but that okay. i schedule hot air balloon ride for two of you. i'm not sure i want to do anything with bobby. what?! no, no, no, no, no. come on, we go deep-fry some peanut butter and banana sandwiches. oh-ho-ho, the fun we'll have. yeah, kahn, you go fry your bananas. knock yourself out. he can fry a banana sandwich pretty quick, so spill it. mom, i was never suicidal and bobby and i never broke up. we were only pretending so we could spend more time together. you lied to us? yeah, but now that we spent all this time together i don't know if he's right for me. oh... you know, honey, back in laos i was dating phoukong vivarad. he the vice president of acquisitions for ingersoll-rand. such a comer. the general love him like a son. then i met your dad. connie: at the national science museum.

minh: no, that's just a story we tell. truth is, we meet at the discotheque. he pull up on cherry moped wearing tight shiny shirt. and that pompadour, whoo! connie: daddy was a bad boy? minh: boy, how the general hate him. push phoukong on me like you wouldn't believe. but i had to choose for myself the corporate boy or the bad boy? okay, you picked dad because grandpa hated him so i should stay with bobby? no, i picked your dad because even though we very different i knew he was right for me. i can't tell you if bobby right for you or not. your dad can't tell you either. only you can decide. dale: well, folks, earlier i made some comments

that were deemed insensitive by one of my key sponsors dale's dead bug, who pulled all his ads. coward. and i can't drum up any new sales since i'm stuck behind this ( bleep ) microphone 24 hours a day. so, i have been forced to sell the station to mexican interests. viva la revelucion. octavio. buenos dias, amigos. presentamos el rey de la polka... flaco jimenez, con de bolon pin pon. ( flaco jimenez song plays ) you look like you're thinking, son. is there something you want to talk to your mother about? dad, i'm thinking of calling it quits with connie. again? bobby, ladies don't like mind games and drama. they like predictability. i don't want to hurt her. but i've never broken up with anyone before. how do i do it?

well, i've only been with your mom and we never broke up. but i have fired people at strickland propane. you got to be honest. tell them how they didn't meet your expectations and promise them a good recommendation. hey, connie. you up for a game? oh, sure. i'll be lu manchu. you be daisy hua. you're terrible at this. i know. i hate video games. i know. connie, i didn't just call you over here because checkout's at 11:00. um... well... you've been a valuable part of the organization for two years now, but, um... are you firing me? it's, um... i think we should break up. what? but i came here to break up with you.

you're just saying that. no, i mean it. i composed a breakup letter and everything. "bobby, there are some fundamental differences that suggest..." my god, you are such a nerd! i know. and all you care about is having fun. i know. and you don't. i know. i guess it's going to be kind of weird not being boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. maybe a little. but it's not like we hate each other. no, no. we're still friends, right? right, friends. and still neighbors. sure. unless you're moving. i'm not going anywhere. neither am i. we've still got 20 minutes left on the room. maybe we could hold hands one last time.

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captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org kahn: fat white lump!

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