like when we told bill there was a woman out there for him. mm-hmm. hey! today is the day they're going to announce that i get to carry the torch. although to be true to the ancient olympians before me i should be nude. uh, just in case you are chosen you're going to have to run a half a mile. that's about 500 trips to the refrigerator just so you know. i know. that's why i've been training. ( sighs ) bobby, you seem to have a hitch in your get-a-long. no, dad, i'm speed walking. the only olympic sport endorsed by the american association of retired persons. easier on the knees. beautiful, bobby. congratulations, shug! oh, my god, i did it! i won! i'd jump for joy, but, you know, the knees. oh, what the heck! ( laughing ) bobby, you won! oh, dang it. i just took our camera in to be developed.

to be fair, hank, i wrote the essay. but why don't you let this be bobby's moment. okay, who's ready for the big news? mr. hill, you will be running the arlen leg of the olympic torch relay. congratulations, hank. hank? but, mom you said i was going to get a trophy. isn't that precious? now give the torch to your daddy. uh, you must want the hank hill from west arlen. hold on, i've got some mail for him, too. it's you, shug. congratulations. ( whispering ): i'm not trying to tell you how to do your business but the durndle torch guy cried. very moving.

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so how does it feel to be the official torchbearer? are you filled with pride... humility? what are you filled with, shug? arlen wants to know. mostly confusion. see, i didn't... i will tell you what he is not filled with. shame. for nominating himself behind my back. let's get some b-roll of me smiling. i didn't nominate myself. i haven't written an essay since high school. it's okay. you deserve it more than i do. you're a good loser, son. thanks. maybe someday i'll get a trophy for that. so, hank, if you did not write that essay who did? i don't knprobably just somesat. the identity of the secret essay writer's a secret.... until now. paragraph one, paragraph two, hank's signature. what?! dang it, dale you remember how mad i was when you guys

washed my truck without permission. but you were right, hank. the torch should go to someone really deserving, and that's you even if we didn't win state. after all, hank, america is not just a land of opportunity. it is a land of redemption. ( sniffles ) it's from the essay. damn, that's good. hoist her up. let's see how she looks. dale: yeah, let's see them pits! dang ol' statue of liberty, man. ( cheering ) ow! ow! ow! ow! this salsa is stinging my cuts. i'm fixin' to bring out the tortilla chips. i'm not goin' to tell you again. ( cheering ) how's it feel, dad? is it everything i hoped it would be? i don't want to be here and i wouldn't be if dale hadn't baked all day. well, then, you shouldn't have had your henchmen write that essay. y'all want to see what dale's been keeping in the basement for the last 20 years? ( disgusted groans ) no, no, not that. i made him donate that to the teaching hospital. boomhauer...

the year is 1979. every week the entire nation turns for hope to laverne and shirley. ted koppel arranges to have 44 americans held hostage on a sound stage in burbank by actors impersonating iranian fanatics. and arlen's leading all-time rusher is hank hill. ( all cheering ) the hopes and dreams of a small texas town in the state of texas rest squarely on the broad athletic shoulders of their star running back and his trusted towel manager. look at hank go. touchdown! yay, dad! ( all cheering ) okay, stop it. no one wants to watch this. hey, who wants to dance? dale, help me move that couch. dang it! what's the matter, hank? you don't want to see the part where you broke your ankle? film's a little grainy, but i think you can see bone.

i don't want to see my ankle and i don't want to carry the dang torch. uh... anyone want to see nancy in an art film? shug! dad. someday someone's going to make the world's largest fruit pie and the next day i'm going to get in the guinness book of world records for eating it. bobby, i'm not in the mood for riddles right now. i'm just saying i hope you aren't backing out because you feel bad for me. i'll have my moment in the sun someday. but this one's yours. you're a hero. you took arlen high to state. ( sighing ): i'm not a hero. i'm a disgrace. bobby: okay, your trousers are filthy. but so were everybody else's. forget about it. keep watching. bobby: wow!

there's more. bobby: that's amazing! i didn't realize people walked like egyptians back then. it's shameful. the worst the only thing missing was an earring. and on the very next play going for the two-point conversion that would have won us the championship i broke my ankle. god was punishing me for being prideful. he didn't give me a fatal heart attack because he still wanted me to sell propane but he made his point. that's crazy. god wasn't punishing you. it was just a coincidence. no, it wasn't. it was god. is this why you're so uptight all the time? because you think something bad is going to happen if you act happy? uh... ( mumbling ) remember when you saw that bumper sticker "honk if you love america"? you smiled, pumped your arm and honked twice. i do love america. and your car didn't go off the road.

you're right. we drove home safely. you know, maybe bobby's onto something with this "it's okay to feel good" stuff. well, if bobby says it's all right for you to run with the torch, i... i will not oppose him and i will not oppose you. i will let you run unopposed. hot or cold towel, hank? well, my torch hand is getting a little slippery. look at us. just like when we were in high school-- you secreting, me absorbing-- and you know, these are the very same towels from back then. hey, it's hank hill, the torch guy. you were 12 across in today's arlen bystander crossword puzzle. will you sign it for me? in pencil? crowd ( chanting ): hank, hank, hank... come on, give 'em a little taste, dad. ...hank, hank, hank hank, hank, hank, hank, hank, hank...

peggy: okay, remember, honey, you're going to be on tv so do not do that thing with your nose that you're not aware of. what thing? i'm here live with arlen torchbearer hank hill. which hand do you think you will carry the torch in? the right. did you give any thought to any other hand? no, i did not. ( crowd cheering ) sounds like the durndle torchbearer approacheth. finally. it took him forever. well, they're not exactly swift in durndle. ( all laughing ) he is so brave. ( all cheering ) hank, wait! damn it, dale. this flame traveled 3,000 miles plus the distance from the sun to greece. you're tarnishing the spirit of the winter games.

au contraire. i'm inhaling it. remember, dad: pace, grace and dignity. now move out! i'm so darn happy, i'd skip the rest of the way. thank you, bobby. ( cheering ) awww! ...is brought to you in part by... part by...

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for tips on a healthy home, visit lysol.com/missionforhealth. hank! have you been shot? no, but i deserve to be. ( gasps ) oh, my god! the flame is out! the olympics are over! ( gasps ) those poor athletes. all their training for nothing. you see, bobby? this is what happens when you act happy. thanks a lot. i was just trying to help. okay. i will go find an olympic official.

or would you like to turn yourself in, hank? no. i already ruined the most important game in texas history. i'm not going to ruin these games. ( sighs ) all right, here's the plan. i didn't fall, and the flame didn't go out. is everybody clear on the plan? that's not the real flame. that's just fire. it's cheating. no, no, it's fine. it looks exactly like the old flame. ( cheering ) go! go! go! he's running with a flaming lie. how am i going to enjoy the figure skating with this dark cloud hanging over us? bobby, if your father doesn't go through with this the hills will be forever known as the family that ruined the olympics. now, i can go back to using my maiden name. i have no idea what you will do.

( cheering ) come on, arlen. only 20 more feet and it's all you. yeah, you got it. this is for the rings, baby. ( cheering ) what the...? come on, man. it's only a couple more steps. why is he slowing down? he's 40. cut him some slack. stop hotdoggin' it. you had your time in the sun. come on, baby, give me some flame. ( sighs ) ( crowd gasps ) ( all booing ) what are you doing?! ( all booing ) oh, man, that is weak! he put it out. 'cause he's a quitter. i never quit. hell, i've been smoking for 30 years.

the flame! my oral fixation! ( booing ) but you don't understand. that wasn't the real flame. you don't understand. i lost 500 pounds. i'm a hero. bobby: don't worry, dad. i'm coming as fast as i can. this cigarette was lit with the olympic torch. the flame lives! ( cheering ) all right, bobby! it's going out. mr. gribble... smoke! ( panting ) hey! hold on. bobby, you earned it.

( softly ): all right, the last guy put it out. the bar's pretty low, todd. you can do it. ( louder ): that's right, mcmaynerbury. brother running with a torch and not a damn thing you can do about it. ( crowd cheers wildly ) for preserving the honor and integrity of the olympic flame and all it represents i hereby award this trophy to bobby hill. i guess if you wanted to do a celebration dance that'd be all right. not now, dad. now! ( hank laughing )

ah.... okay. that's enough, bobby.

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgg

bill: mm-hmm. they... hey... at ikea, we don't just we design good mornings. little experiments. big ideas. brighter ways. and better tomorrows you can take home today. imagine if everyday was just a little bit better for everyone.

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