if i had her in my employ it would solidify the bond between our two kingdoms. peggy: oh, wait, wait. have you already started? because i'm thinking of going back to "number one mom." hank: hey, peggy, guess who wants you to work in his kingdom? the king. how about that, huh? now you actually could help me get that sink. oh, i could, but will i? sure. we'll be a great team. side by side like our double sinks. hank: king phillip, sir? how now, gas man? uh, pretty good, thanks. my wife peggy is ready to serve the kingdom. i am a renaissance woman. this is a renaissance faire. we are a perfect fit. delightful. i've got just the hole for this peg. man: hear ye, hear ye. by order of king phillip for the crime of offering her own opinion

this impudent wench has been sentenced to one hour in the stocks. hoist your fruit, good men. okay, phil, where do i start? by... ♪ hot shot? how's it taste? [ male announcer ] that hot spicy taste is like a slap to the face.

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 hank: king phillip sent us here about a job for my wife. i'm not saying it has to be a good job but, again, we were referred by the king. all right, bear with me a sec. this thing's so freaking slow. i would make an excellent wandering minstrel.

if i can play guitar on the stairmaster i certainly can do it while wandering. mmm, no. see, you're a woman. other than the yard-long margaritas we're pretty strict about historical accuracy. you're pretty much looking at cleaning wench, stable wench or butter- churning wench. are you sure you don't have any openings for a queen? warrior princess? is cleaning-wench go over the highest-ranking wench? highest? ( laughing ) oh, uh... yes. ( sighs ): i am sweating like a horse here. well, what happened to you? ( english accent ): i was punished for my sloth and impertinence. why are you talking like that? ( texas accent ): honey, you don't want the king to catch you breaking character. once he put me on stable duty for humming an elvis song. follow me, fair visitors. to our tasks. everyone! villagers approach!

i hope you enjoyed the stable and the sty. we now move on to some more comely beasts of burden-- the wenches. good morrow, everyone. i am beating a rug-- a very important job for castles were oft drafty and... wench! whom addressed thee? i addressed myself. since there was no such thing as a vacuum cleaner in the middle ages... what speak you of "vacuum cleaner"? peggy, hold thine tongue. oh-oh-oh. right, right, right. in the future, they will invent a magical sucking device to free women from household drudgery. ( all gasping ) if thou can foretell the future perhaps thou art a witch. she is no a witch, milord. merely tetched in the head from the sun. she's a witch. witch! witch! witch! witch! ( horn blowing ) how, now? is there unrest in my kingdom? she's a witch. hank: well, i guess if they burn you at the stake

they'll be using my propane. you'll find it burns witches cleanly and evenly and at a fraction of the cost of natural gas. you know, this cleaning wench thing isn't really doing it for me. if her arms worked as hard as her serpent's tongue there would be nary a speck of dust in the kingdom. ( laughing loudly ) ( visitors laughing ) ( sighs ) this is not what nature intended for my implants. that fat merlin finished all the chicken wings. why do the wenches always get the last lunch break? because phillip is an ass. speaking of which he grabbed mine again this morning. but he's your boss. that is sexual harassment. well, king phillip says that's all just "tomfoolery." maybe he just doesn't have good people skills. you know, sometimes i don't.

see brandon over there. he started here a year ago. makes twice as much as me. you know what? as the highest-ranking wench maybe i should talk to the king. it is time we rewrote history. ( clearing throat ) hey, phillip, you got a second? mr. motzinger king phillip. oh, i'm sorry-- i was just counting my treasure from the americas. what is the reason for this interruption? one of the girls got out her laptop and we went on some labor web sites. "laptop"? oh, come on-- this is serious. you have women working more than 40 hours a week without overtime. there is no sanitary napkin dispenser in the ladies port-a-john, and are you familiar with the family and medical leave act of 1993? how could i be? it is but 1590. why don't you drop the act, and you explain to me why the wenches make 70 cents on the dollar

and the village idiot gets full dental. you are but a woman and i have given you enough of my time. begone. gotdangit. that's my third pair of these gotdang tights today. at least you get to wear tights. these are my work stockings. how do you ladies put up with this? well, we put up with a lot more than that, hank. just now, when i was complaining to king phillip... whoa, whoa. complaining? no. the customer complains, not the gas merchant's wench. you're going to skunk the deal. but i just... look, if the king gives you a hard time come see me and i'll handle it. whatever you do, don't open your mouth. i can fight my own battles. uh-uh-uh. mouth. ( gasps ) if king phillip isn't ready for the age of reason we will dust off a dark ages classic--

the peasant revolt. everyone, grab a tomato. are you crazy? you'll get us all fired. he can't fire all of us. who would do the laundry, huh? the blacksmith? he's filthy. this faire will grind to a halt and phillip will be forced to meet our demands. look, i can't take any chances. i have a daughter and she needs a prom dress and it has to be the one from the magazine or all the other girls will make fun of her. aren't you willing to risk this demeaning job today to give your daughter a brighter tomorrow... or whenever her prom is? ( fanfare blowing ) hear ye, hear ye. all rise for the royal procession. i hand you... tomatoes of freedom. yeah! give me a firm one! what a fine day for a faire... it is. welcome to my kingdom.

it's now or never. now! come on, throw! i'm sorry. the one-wench rebellion of 1590 has been quashed. hank: peggy? i'm sorry, hank. i guess everyone here likes things the way they are. i'll go back to beating the rug now. phillip: i wonder, madam if i can expect the same impertinence from your husband's propanery that i have come to expect from you. please. hank had nothing to do with this. guards! seize this wench and take her to the stocks. what are you doing? take your hands off her. no, no. it's okay, hank. i'm not here. i'm in our bathroom, over my own sink and i'm flossing, hank. i'm flossing... oof!

okay, that's it. show's over. hank, stop-- you'll lose the account. phillip: listen to your shrew. in her nagging, there is wisdom. dang it, there are more important things than a sale. you... take off that crown. i'm kicking your ass. oh? you demand satisfaction? fine. then we shall joust by day's end. say, huh? if you are able to tilt me off my steed then i will apologize to you and yon hag and purchase your gas. but if i should send thou tumbling to the dirt, then you and your gas will be banished from the kingdom but not before your "wif" cleans the man sweat from my blouse. fine. you are in for the joust of your life, mister. yep. the joust of your life. ( crowd cheering )

five oceans. seven continents. whatever it takes. wherever it takes us. america's navy. a global force for good. license and registration please. what's this? uhh, it's my geico insurance id card, sir. it's digital, uh, pretty cool right? maybe. you know why i pulled you over today? because i'm a pig driving a convertible?

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yep. yep. mm-hmm. no chump in a velvet costume is ever kicking my ass. ( fanfare blowing ) and if hank hadn't been there to defend me

i might still be in the stocks. and towards the end there, they were throwing potatoes which i had to tell them was more historically accurate. my mouth. what do you think's going to happen after the joust? you know, when hank is killed. with peggy? in the middle ages, there was an orderly procedure for the dispensation of the wife unlike in today's gynocracy. ownership goes from the son to the dog to the best friend. bobby's too young, ladybird's too old i already own a wife boomhauer doesn't have the time so bill, this could be your in. don't worry, peggy. i'll take care of you. that is as unnecessary as it is repulsive. peggy hill can take care of herself. ( chuckling ): oh, boy. you're going to have your hands full with this one, bill. next item, hank's lawnmower. yo man, i got dibs on it. oh, you're all a bunch of morons!

i think you should know i've never jousted before. or ridden a horse. he'll do most of the work. now, if he bucks you make sure to cover your neck and your testicles. ( playing fanfare ) the joust is commencing! the joust is commencing! go, hank! go, dad! bobby! ( clicking at horse )

heah! ( yells ) tell me, peasant... how does it feel to have lost the joust your wench's honor and the propane account in one mighty thrust of my lance? it's a bitter taste, i'm sure, and ye shall savor it for seven score fortnights, anon!

( yells ) hey, king make-believe! you just got beat by a girl. ( cheering ) help me to my feet, you gaggle of magpies. what hand you me? it's a lawsuit, honey. "department of labor... "osha... texas workforce commission?" ( in texas drawl ): crap, i'm going to lose my faire. i don't want to go back to selling real estate. we did it, peggy. i just wish i'd been born 500 years ago. i could have single-handedly saved womankind forever. i helped too, you know. yes, hank, everybody helped.

just try not to fall off the horse this time. the prime directive has been breached. women's liberation has happened too soon. i must warn the future! ( imitates transporter ) take me with you! i hate it here. captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

how, now, gas man?

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