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i don't blame the fella. >> could be the axe, too. >> kids love a snow day. before you go, jack, could you tell us if the cold will let up any time soon? i'll take that as a no. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, freezing toasms, hot tweets. plus, stephen welcomes anderson cooper maz jobrani and musical guest margo price. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: how are you? hey, everybody! wooo! wooo! ( cheers and applause )

oh, gotta love it. thank you so much. please, have a seat. you're too kind. thank you very much. how lovely. please, gotta love it. every january-- every january they ship in fresh audiences for us and that's so welcome. welcome to "the late show,"" everybody. i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. it's our first, first show of 2018. happy new year, everybody. happy new year. going to be a good one. i love new year's. it's one of my favorite holidays that involves getting together with friends and screaming at a clock. so far, so far, my resolution is to stay inside until june because it is cold. i'd like to salute all the brave audience members, these heroes. ( cheers and applause ) are you okay? these heroes, they did it!

they said in freezing temperatures to get in here tonight, and tonight we salute them and remember the friends they had to eat to survive. >> jon: oh, snap. >> stephen: but brutal cold is tormenting the u.s., folks. and reports say the worst is yet to come. "the worst is yet to come," by the way, was also the theme of my new year's party. the national weather service has warned that we're in a prolonged period of much-below-normal temperatures. for my younger viewers, that's what we used to call "winter. ( laughter ) "prolonged low temperatures--" apparently, that's new now. plus, times square had the second-coldest new year's eve celebration on record. it's true. the ball did not so much drop as shrivel up and rise back into 2017.

down! come on down! ♪ ♪ fun family joke. and it's not just new york. there are winter storm warnings as far south as florida. and right now, it feels colder in parts of canada than on mars. still no evidence of life in canada. ( laughter ) speaking of new lows, donald trump. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) they were wondering, they were wondering. they were wondering when i was going to get there. ( laughter ) donald trump tweeted, "in the east, it could be the coldest new year's eve on record. perhaps we could use a bit of that good old global warming that our country, but not other country, was going to pay trillions of dollars to protect against. bundle up!"

donald trump's cold right now, that's evidence that the earth is not getting warmer. just like because trump's president right now, that's evidence we've never had a competent president. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ and-- there's no evidence. it's only what's happening now! the church of what's happening now.

( laughter ) i-- i think grandpa's reminiscing again: "i remember, i remember when licorice came in a little pouch with a blue stamp on it, and nickels cost a dime. all right. jail!" ( laughter ) but i just want to take a moment here to point out this is the president of the united states just described the justice department as a deep-state entity because it is so corrupt, it is unwilling to throw his political opponents in jail. that is a serious charge, the kind of thing you could never, ever make lightly. and, of course, you could never take back. i'm kidding. ( laughter ) today, "white house insists donald trump does not think d.o.j. is 'deep state' despite tweeting otherwise." yes, sarah huckabee sanders said that this afternoon. who got to her? could it be... the deep state

( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) could it? could it? ♪ ♪ nah, he was just talking out of his butt. then trump took credit for something he had absolutely nothing to do with. "since taking office, i have been very strict on commercial aviation. good news, it was just reported that there were zero deaths in 2017, the best and safest year on record!" trump took credit for no one dying in a plane crash last year. that explains his new campaign slogan, "trump 2020: you got to tulsa, didn't you?" "what do you want?" trump also-- yeah, tulsa! tulsa! hell, yeah! trump also took aim at his

favorite punching bag, the free press, tweeting, "the failing 'new york times' has a new publisher, a.g. sulzberger. congratulations! here is a last chance for the 'times' to fulfill the vision of its founder, adolph ochs." so that makes two adolphs he's pulling for. ( laughter )

glah!" ( laughter ) now-- ( applause ) i haven't done that in a while. that's a tough impression on the throat. i've got to toughen up. now, he's probably saying, "good luck," as in, "it's 2018, and donald trump is still the president. glah!" ( laughter ) on the international front, while on the front internationale, the year started off big for north korean dictator kim jong-un. he gave a speech yesterday, and for the new year, he got a sharp new suit and had his head re-rectangled. ( laughter ) very, very nice. yes. could we go back to that, jimmy? why-- first of all,-- ( cheers and applause ) yeah. his barber uses a compass and a

protractor. but why are there seven microphones in front of him? is that one for every television in north korea? once he got through his obligatory "i've got nukes, death to america, meow, meow, meow," un actually had some good news. in what is seen as an offering of an olive branch, he plans to send a delegation to the winter olympics in south korea. there are even rumors that north korea has been pumping their olympic team with performance-enhancing food. ( laughter ) so there is some hope for better relations between north and south korea. a lot of people deserve credit for that, but one person is taking all of it, because this morning, the president tweeted, "sanctions and 'other' pressures are beginning to have a big impact on north korea. soldiers are dangerously fleeing to south korea. rocket man now wants to talk to south korea for first time. perhaps that is good news, perhaps not-- we will see!"

"we will see?" that's a little nonchalant. "maybe it'll lead to peace. maybe it'll lead to thermonuclear war. no way of knowing. i, as the president, would do something about it, but i'm too busy keeping all the planes in the sky. that's right. delta 3-5-niner, you are clear delta 3-5-niner, you are clear to land." ( laughter ) you know what else he's busy with? he's designed this new presidential challenge coin. now, for those of you who don't know what a challenge coin is, i've got one right here. they're these medallions that the military put their unit insignias on and slip it into someone's hand with a handshake,

a maitre'd, or buy a dime bag, or give your maitre'd a dime bag, you know. i've received several coins myself. it's a great honor and a wonderful american tradition, so, naturally, trump is ruining it. let's take a look at barack obama's presidential challenge coin. it's a copper color with the presidential seal on one side and on the other the white house, obama's name and signature. it was a simpler time. well, no surprise, trump's coin is gold. and at the top of it, it says, "donald j. trump." then there's his signature in the middle. and they've also added his name again at the bottom in a banner, in case you forgot his name mid-coin. ( laughter ) plus, trump has flipped the direction of the eagle and replaced the nation's motto, "e pluribus unum" with "make america great again."

i guess replacing the national motto with his campaign slogan is kind of tacky. it beats "good for one free drink." sounds classier in latin. and not satisfied with making it gold and putting his name all over it, he also had to make it thicker. you know what they say about a man with a thick coin-- very small penis. ( cheers and applause ) i don't know if that's true. i don't know if that's true. i don't actually know if that's true. we're going to fact check that. i don't know if that's true. and it's not just honoring trump honoring trump. over the break, the donald trump animatronic robot was unveiled at disney's "hall of presidents." let's take a look. glah! glah! glah!

picture of trump's robot, not jon voight after a chemical spill. ( laughter ) well, that is truly disturbing. i know one sculptor who did not vote for him. ( laughter ) well, cbs "late show" has obtained exclusive footage of the trump robot in action and, evidently, it is not getting along with its fellow presidents.

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>> randi, where are you? >> ( laughs ) we are in, uh, denver, colorado. good evening to you guys, anderson and andy. we have the party started here. there's a little bit of a purple haze. um, we call this magic bus the canna-bus, get it? woah! this is what i'm dealing with! we're at a dispensary called "the medicine man." see, this is mike. i think i got a little high. mike, i'm trying to remember where we are. where am i? >> stephen: believe it or not, cnn. and she didn't stop there, because randi kaye grabbed a randi jay. >> oh, my god. randi's dose is kicking in. >> this is for andy! andy, this is for you! >> stephen: "andy, andy, this is for you! come on, it'll get you so high you'll think you can pass a joint through a tv camera! andy! no? how about you, anderson cooper? want a little 'anderson cooper 420'?"

happening on the cnn, because as of yesterday, recreational pot is officially legal in california. ( cheers and applause ) that's right. that is right-- californians can finally try marijuana. i think you guys might like it. to all of our freshly baked california viewers, i just want to say, thanks for switching over from the monterey bay aquarium livestream of jellyfish. i will do my best to move hypnotically. ( cheers and applause ) it was a big deal out there. at one california dispensary, 200 people waited in line before dawn for the 6:00 a.m. start of sales. we've come so far: from people standing on street corners looking for drugs, to people standing on street corners waiting for drugs.

and i know one guy from california who's going to be particularly happy about this stoney von dankington, everybody. say hi. >> happy new year, everybody! >> stephen: stoney, stoney, you've got to be excited right? >> oh, hell yeah! january 1, 2018, will live forever as a special day in cali history. >> stephen: the day-- the day that weed was finally legal? >> yeah, i guess, but i was talking about the state's new salary-history inquiry ban. now bosses can't ask what you made at your last job. and that's hella progressive legislation, dude. >> stephen: okay, but what about the lifting of the ban on recreational marijuana? >> oh, yeah. i can tell you, californians are pretty stoked. i was just back home for new year's, visiting some "kind buds." >> stephen: you mean pot, right?

>> naw, stephen. i'm talking 'bout my parents. they're some of the kindest people i know. and, honestly, parents are like your best buds for life. ( laughter )

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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )

journalist who just hosted cnn's new year's eve broadcast. please welcome anderson. ♪ ♪ ploouz i gotta say we have a lot of people on the show, and not a lot of newsmen get standing ovations. >> well, there's not a lot of us left. >> stephen: good to know. good to know. >> happy new year. >> stephen: happy new year to you. did you have a new year's resolution? >> a new year's-- mine are so lame. >> stephen: that's what you said toand dee. >> i always resolve to work out more. >> stephen: that is lame. >> i'll tell you, i did an interview with "the rock" a couple months ago, when he walked in i said, "oh, man, you let yourself go." and he was like,

kidding." he's a lovely guy and he started asking me where i work out because he doesn't like his gym in new york. i said you might like my gym, it's underground, no windows, the equipment is old and serious lifters, and me, and he's using my gym whenever he comes to new york so my gym cred has skyrocketed because people know i got the rock to come to the gym. >> stephen: you know i'm a fan of yours and i'm not taking anything away from anderson cooper when i say if the rock is there, isn't it really his gym? >> that's true. >> stephen: i watched you and andy. i really enjoyed it. >> thank you. >> stephen: the only criticism i would have is you cut away to anyone else. we want to see the two of you suffer in the cold. >> yes. well, i it was funny because in the run-up, andy kept having these appointments to get warm jackets tailored. i saou

coats. you need massive layers and parkas. i knew he was going to really die out there. on tuesday i called up the store called "the warming store" in philadelphia i found on the spirnt. ( ( applause ) (.

let's find out. do you still have a contact high from randi kaye? you guys got a little teasing. >> first of all, it's legal in colorado. she was just -- >> stephen: no one said it wasn't. >> we are grown adults. and she did not smoke -- >> stephen: secondhand. >> whatever. she ended up at a paint party where i guess this pot bus ended up at a paint party where for whatever reason people riding around getting stoned all night want to end up paintin paintingn day-glo color s. >> stephen: look at you talking like you have no idea. i wouldn't know. i read about it. >> so they ended up at a paint party. >> stephen: sure, they burr ed the lead. >> i know. the whole thing surprised me as much as anyone else. i have to tell you. >> stephen: and now california it's legal. >> i know. >> stephen: are you surprised it spread-- it spread so quickly? >> not really. think california, it makes sense. it's california. ( laughter ).

>> stephen: i don't really know. >> if it was south carolina, i would be surprise gld i think it might be medicinal. >> it is. >> stephen: medicinal might be legal down there because i got some glaucoma coming on hard, on vacation, just for the christmas vacation. you had to work on new year's eve. were you allowed to go have fun? >> yeah, i took, like, a couple of days off. >> and went to france for the holidays, my partner is french. ( applause ) and it's weird, though, like, so we were out, like, in the french countryside in his house with his sister and all these kids and all these french people. and it's weird when you're in france because they do this thing that nobody else does, and they don't know they're doing it. they do this thing where they go with the whooo." and they have entire conversations-- like, i said, "anyone seen 'star wars'" and the father went "wooh."

so then i tried it just as a joke. i was like... and they all looked at me like, "oh, my god. what are you doing? that's so weird." they don't know they're doing it. it's very strange. >> stephen: and what does it mean? >> and they all eat smelly cheese, like, the smellier the better. it's very strange. >> stephen: what does it mean? >> it's like meh? did you like 'star wars'?" >> stephen: by the way, you have seen the new "star wars." >> i actually saw it last night. i walked out. i know, i know. i'm sorry. >> stephen: you walked out. >> i had a lot going on. i have a lot of work to do -- >> stephen: it wasn't a partly to mostly? >> it wasn't a protest. i had too much to do -- >> stephen: you paid money? >> i went down to the theater on 23rd street. >> stephen: you paid money, walked in, and it it occurred to you in the middle of the movie, "i don't have time for this." >> yeah, yeah. "i'm not giving in the attention it

>> stephen: which is really a compliment. >> it's like this deserve myself attention. i'm not giving it my attention. >> stephen: it's like with when you're making love to someone in the middle of it you g, you know what, i'm not giving it my all." i should come back. "let's put a pin in this. let's table this for a moment." >> i did see "i tonya." >> stephen: i did not see "i tonya." but i am a huge jeff gilouly fan. let's talk about actual news going out there. i have unplugged a little bit. >> that's what i thought. >> stephen: i don't know what the hell is going on. >> you caught up on the tweets. >> stephen: well, it's easy. it's shorthand. it's like the "spark notes" of democracy, just reading his tweets. >> sad. >> stephen: sad. iran, 2009, this also happened. >> right, the green revolution. >> stephen: green revolution. it didn't anywhere, was crushed at the time. >> right. >> stephen: is

>> right now, this hasn't taken the size of that. this started a couple of days ago outside of tehran. and it started more as a an economic protest. rouhani promised reforms and a better economy. it's really high-- like double-digit unemployment in iran, double-digit inflation. and he hasn't followed through in the way many people would have liked. the the leader is khameini and people started protesting more over economics, and it's started growing to tehran and people are talking about freedom and greater libertys. there's a whole young population there that really wants , you know, they want more freedom, what they see on television and via satellite. >> stephen: one of the hallmarks of the green revolution going on in 2009 was the use of twitter. >> right, yeah. >> stephen: that's all been shut down. >> yeah. most dictators will shut down

mubarak did it in the waning days of his regime. y i don't know iran very well. i was only there once. i was a young reporter in like '93, '94, i was there with two producers for this thing called channel 1. and on my first day, my producer said, "we should go to the park." and we did. we shot girls playing bat mitton, not offensive and we got arrested. i was in iran for three days and arrested for three of them. >> stephen: were you detained for three days? >> they would let us go back to the hotel at night. we were trapped there anyway. there was nowhere to go. they took our passports. when you're arrested in iran it is very scary. there's no one to call, there is no embassy. and i was working for channel 1 at the time, and they didn't have much international reach. and every day i would sit in in a police station in front of a picture of the

khamenei, who is really the last person you want to be looking at when you're arrested and don't know what your future holds. it is not a very warming feeling. >> stephen: this is an election year, 2018. there's a lot of excitement about what might happen in the midterms. as a journalist looking back at 2016, is there something different you think that the news media should do in 2018 because you all got a fair amount of criticism for your coverage of trump and-- >> look, there's so much information now. you know, people used to talk about a 24-hour news cycle and that's-- there's not even-- it's not 24 hours. it seems like it's hourly. you know, the whole broadcast we planned-- i have a broadcast that starts at 8:00, we're planning for it all day. a lot of times everything we worked on all day gets thrown out at five minutes to 8:00 and we do a completely different broadcast. i do think it's fortunate just try to avoid always being distracted by, like latest thing, the shiniest obt and keep focused on chooshz are

things are changing incredibly rapidly. >> stephen: well, good luck with that. i always enjoy your broadcast. i watch it every night. thank you so much for being here. "anderson cooper 360" airs weeknights on cnn. and that's him. we'll be right back with maz jobrani. stick around you won't believe how much is new at red lobster... ...that is, until you taste our new menu. discover more ways to enjoy seafood with new tasting plates small plates, with big flavor-

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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )

♪ ♪ ( applause )

haven't asked a guest this before. can i pet your sweater? >> go ahead, pet. >> stephen: this is a thirsty cardigan. you have to be a man of a certain age to really rock a cardigan. >> that girl laughed at that. are you saying i'm old? no, i'll tell you, i'm 45. and i got so excited about this sweater, i realized-- think about it-- after 21, there's nothing to look forward to. 21, you drink, you're like wooo! >> stephen: that's milestone. >> they should make other things illegal so we can get excited about them. i mean, they are illegal, but to a certain age. 30, cocaine, wooo! you know. i don't even do cocaine, but it would be like, "yeah, cocaine." 40, heroin, 50 viagra-- i could use that. >> stephen: and card gans should be illegal until 45. >> stephen, i ran into 22-year-olds and they're like, "we're going to vegas, bro." i said,

>> stephen: that's a gateway cloth you're wearing. >> and it comes with a pocket to rest my 45-year-old hands in there. >> stephen: maybe a little pipe. >> a pipe is next. i'm telling you, bro, this isa nice cardigan. >> stephen: i immediately petted it. >> you did pet it, yes. >> stephen: i just had anderson cooper out here. did you watch the interview? >> i saw the interview. >> stephen: do you have family in iran? >> i have cousins in iran, distant cousins and i have been watching what is going on as well and it's crazy. i want to preface this with i'm not an expert on iran. >> stephen: you were born there, right jiefs born in iran but i'm not an expert. i last time i was here we talked about iranian new year, and a lot of iranians attacked me. "you got it wrong, man!" i said i'm not a historian. i'm just a comedian. first of all, i want to say i support protesters. it's crazy what's going on. ( applause )

okay. you wait. you wait. on twitter, "you misrepresented the protests!" it's an interesting thing going on because a lot of people don't know what's happening. it's happening so fast, and it's different from like what you said the 2009 protest. >> stephen: it's hard to communicate because social media is shut down. >> one of the things is a debate should trump talk about it? should he not talk about it? and i said he should talk to other people before he talks about it. you know what i'm saying? ( cheers and applause ) i'll tell you why. i have three reasons yes i'm a little wary of trump talking about iran. number one is i don't like him. ( cheers and applause ) that's just who i am. i know-- i-- number two is that he hasn't been a friend of the iranian people, as you know, the travel ban. he band iranians from coming to er

and number three is this is a very nuanced situation. and i don't know if you have noticed, but trump is not very nuanced. no, because what it is, it's good to acknowledge and support protesters, but i think if he goes too aggressive with the support in the wrong way, then the islamic republic, the regime, which is a repressive regime will turn around saying this is america leading the protests and come down with an iron fist, which the supreme leader has already said there are external force here's that are legend these protests. so-- and by the way, when i saw that, i was like, dude, you should take responsibility once in a while for having an oppressive regime, economic inequality," all that stuff, and he reminded me a little bit of trump, who doesn't take responsibility for himself, either. ( applause ).

an iphone update, every three months they get a new one. i know you took note of it, in 1 and 2, the criticism was it was a muslim ban. so in an effort to show they're not anti-muslim the administration added three new countries to travel ban 3.0. they add north korea, which i didn't know they were coming but now they really can't come. you have met a north korean. >> stephen: not yet. >> i don't think they're coming anyway. but anyway, the second group that was added were venezuelan diplomats. so not the whole country, just 10 dudes from venezuela can't come. ( laughter ) and then they added chad which i thought was some guy. ( laughter ) i-- i heard it. i was like, "what did chad do?" ( laughter ) turns out chad, as you know, is another muslim country in africa. but chad does not sound like a muslim country. chad sounds like a muslim country trying to p

be a muslim country, right. "hi, we are chad. that's mike, and that's chip. just hangin' out." >> stephen: well, happy new year. when is new-- when is iranian new year? is it the same? the persian new year happens it's first moment of spring is the persian new year. it's coming in march to a theater near you. >> stephen: come back for the next new year's, too. >> i would love to, man. thanks for having me. >> stephen: "immigrant" is on netflix, and you can see maz on "superior donuts" right here on cbs. maz jobrani, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by margo price. stick around your loose satellite dish... the literal deer in the headlights. but it's a new year and i'm making a resolution. no more mayhem. this year i'm everything that helps keep you safe. like the fuzzy, yellow tennis ball dangling from a string. helping make sure you pull the car in far enough...

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too many obligations ♪ i'm trying to keep gotta please everybody ♪ except for myself but like levon said ♪ ain't in it for my health everybody thinks it's all work ♪ and no fun but a little pain ♪ never hurt anyone a little pain ♪ never hurt anyone when i come i home ♪ i've gotta leave my reality is ♪ only make-believe someone said it's ♪ one or the other but i'm breaking my back ♪ and working like a mother who's to say just how it's done ♪ and a little pain never hurt anyone ♪ a little pain never hurt anyone ♪ a little

never hurt anyone ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ baby, slow down better hurry up quick ♪ i feel so good that it's making me sick ♪ and i didn't mean to call your phone ♪ i said, i like you the best when i'm all alone ♪ it's been real

but i gotta run ♪ and a little pain never hurt anyone ♪ a little pain never hurt anyone ♪ a little pain never hurt anyone ♪ a little pain, a little pain never hurt anyone ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ music i was diagnosed

my life to just...stop. i wondered if starting treatment would put my life on hold. my doctor and i chose triumeq, it seemed like the right fit for me. triumeq is one pill a day. any time of day. with or without food. now, i'm moving forward with triumeq. triumeq treats hiv-1 in adults, and does not cure hiv or aids. don't take triumeq by itself if you're resistant to any of it's ingredients. don't take triumeq at all if you're allergic to any of its ingredients, or have a certain gene variation. serious or fatal allergic reactions have occurred with triumeq and other abacavir containing medicines. symptoms may include fever, rash, nausea and vomiting. for a full list, see the warning card that comes with your medicine. if you have an allergic reaction, don't take triumeq... ...or the medicines in it again. don't take triumeq if you take dofetilide or have liver problems. serious side effects include lactic acid buildup, heart attack, or liver problems. if you're female, obese, or take nucleoside analogues, you may be at greater risk. if you have hepatitis b or c, it may get worse. tell your doctor if you have liver,

high cholesterol, diabetes, or hepatitis b or c, if you smoke, drink alcohol or if you are, or planning to be, pregnant or breastfeeding. some medicines may interact with triumeq, so tell your doctor about any medicines or supplements you take. the most common side effects include trouble sleeping, headache, and tiredness. i'm moving forward... ...with triumeq. to learn more, get this free kit at positivestepskit.com. and ask your doctor if triumeq is right for you.

>> stephen: that's it for the "late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be america ferrera, david harbour, and musical guest, julien baker. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from mutual of omaha, give it up for your host, the one, the only, j