and music from charles kelley -- with cleto and the cletones -- and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks for coming. i like you already. [ cheers and applause ] hey, here's something i was thinking about. you know how in high school sometimes the students will vote for the weirdest kid in class to be prom king as a joke, and then so many people get in on the

prom king? well, anyway, donald trump won super tuesday. [ laughter ] 13 states, thousands of cnn graphics later, the votes have been counted, and the big winners were donald trump and hillary clinton. google reported saying that the search phrase "how can i move to canada" jumped 350% last night. [ applause ] that's not a joke. [ cheers and applause ] by the way, the answer is, you can't. he's going to build a wall up there too. he's going to keep the mexicans out and the rest of us in. that's the plan. do you think in canada anyone ever threatening to move to america? i people like they don't. [ laughter ] trump and clinton, each won seven. bernie sanders won three states. ted cruz won two. his home state of texas and

i think people in texas might be voting for ted cruz so he'll move to washington. cruz spoke to his voters last night. while for most people it would be hard to deliver a victory speech on the night you lost eight out of 11 states, but he made some excellent points. >> this much is certain. january 20, 2017, will be president obama's last date in office. [ applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, that much is certain. but what else? >> and on that day, we will have a new president of the united states. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so that's how it works. he's being replaced. it's all so interesting, the political process. weirdly the candidate who garnered a lot of the attention on super tuesday was one who's not even running anymore, new jersey governor chris christie. he flew all the way to florida

supporting him. and this is what people were commenting on. watch this. so throughout the speech, he looks genuinely miserable. he looks like he saw the bottom of a supposedly bottom pasta bowl at olive garden. he looks as though someone just told him butterscotch causes cancer. [ cheers and applause ] what is that? what did donald trump do to him? he's standing there like theon from "game of thrones." dr. ben carson didn't win any states last night, but don't tell him. he slept through the whole thing. he released a statement today that he does not see a path forward to the presidency and will skip the debate tomorrow night. was he at the last one? if he does skip the debate, how will we know? even though he admitted he

hasn't dropped out. he is still technically running for president, even though he said he has no chance to be -- the guy can't even figure out how to not run for president. ben carson, this is something i have noticed, his typical speaking pose is the same pose they give to a dead person. [ laughter ] as they lay them out. [ cheers and applause ] so ben carson is -- he's got his foot out the door, just like that, it's down to three. or four, if you count john kasich. anyway, after -- you know, the astronaut, scott kelly, returned home last night. he was in space for 340 days. nasa provided footage of the landing. it really is amazing that human beings are able to do that. >> scott kelly back on mother earth after 340 days in space. >> we're going to make american great again, folks. we're going to make it great again. >> and scott kelly has decided

we have liftoff. [ cheers and applause ] >> he won't be home for five years. we have a couple of fun guests on the show tonight. martha plimpton, who is very funny, and morgan freeman, who is phenomenal. he is here. the golden voice. he's the man who somehow is able to make penguins seem exciting. morgan freeman was at the oscars on sunday and presented the award for best picture. afterwards, at the end of the ceremony, watch closely here. >> this has been an amazing experience. congratulate all of our oscar winners. buy some girl scout cookies. >> there he is. give me some of those. and then he is like, goodbye. i am out of here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he snatched a whole stack of cookies from chris rock and beat it. i have to ask him about that.

i did not know he was the cookie monster too. this is a teachable moment. this is from a local fox affiliate in memphis, where viewers were treated to a story about a man who was arrested as a result of a variety of colorful incidents. >> friday night, michael bennett was found by police lying near the street. police say his pants were down and shirt pulled over his head. police also noticed a bottle of whiskey partially consumed, inserted in bennett's rectum. they also found a crack pipe laying next to him. now bennett told police he does crazy things when he gets drunk. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: really? like what? i mean, he said he does crazy things. let's hear some of them. while we're on the subject of improper behavior, the nypd announced yesterday, the new york police department, said they'll no longer arrest people for drinking in public or urinating in public. see, we don't need donald trump

it's already happening on its own. i guess the goal is to reduce unnecessary jailtime for low level offenders. and also to make riding the subway more of an adventure. but it's crazy. you can now get drunk and pee on the street in new york. this is great news for kathie lee and hoda. it really is. and one more donald trump -- i know there's a lot of donald trump. but it seems to be all that anybody talks about every place i go, at all times. last night was a great night for donald, for his wife malaria, for his family, for all of the trumps. you know, after all that's happened over the past several months, people are finally coming to terms with the fact that he's probably going to be the republican nominee. and maybe even president of the united states. which would have been hard to believe this time last year. it's still hard to believe. but it's true. and so with that in mind, we took the liberty of compiling -- you know, he makes a lot of

he is a very unusual sounds coming out of his body. we set them to music. and the result is this donald trump-y version of "hail to the chief." bing, bing, bing bong bong cling ba, ba, ba bye boom, boom bing, bing ca-ching ching a-rrrr >> we have to take a break. when we come back, my cousin sal and his hidden camera is at the customer service counter at costco. we'll be right back. out on the town or in for the night, at&t helps keep everyone connected.

no matter how you hang out, share every minute of it. buy one get one free on our most popular smartphones. and right now, get up to $650 in credits per line to help you switch to at&t. red lobster's lobsterfest is back. so come try the largest variety of lobster dishes of the year, like lobster lover's dream or new dueling lobster tails. it's a party on every plate, and you're invited. so come in while it lasts.

tired of working for peanuts? well what if i told you that peanuts can work for you? that's right. i'm talking full time delivery of 7 grams of protein and 6 essential nutrients. ever see a peanut take a day off? i don't think so.

>> jimmy: martha plimpton and music from charles kelly is on the way. but first, as those of you who watch on a regular basis now, from time to time i dispatch my cousin sal to various locations to frazzle people. one of our favorite spots is the customer service counter at costco, where sal provides some of the world's best worst customer service you can find anywhere. here now is cousin sal at costco, causing trouble in bulk. >> hi, ma'am. what do you have for us? welcome to costco. oh, advil. okay. there we go. and what was the problem with these? >> i just got wrong one. >> wrong wong. how long were you waiting in line? >> not long. >> can you give me a ballpark? one to five minutes? six to seven?

>> six to seven minutes. and how many times do you shop at costco a month? >> four, five. every wednesday. >> every wednesday? all right. and how would you rate your customer satisfaction? >> very good. >> very good. and how many out of 10? >> a nine. >> nine. and how do you rate this interaction with me? >> good. >> good? also very good. we'll put that down for a nine. and my attentiveness. what would you say? >> oh, your attentiveness? >> yeah. hold on. my phone is ringing. hey, baby. what's happening? just giving another one of these dumb surveys, you know. yeah, it's nothing. what are you up to? oh, yeah, i watch that show. i watch that show. yeah. what episode are you on?

you. did you get to the part with the and the girl? that was the best. what time are you off today? yeah, if i ever get out of here. yeah, i'm just chilling. chilling at the returns. not too busy. not too bad. just hanging out. >> oh, okay. >> yeah. let's go by the beach. malibu, manhattan. mi moesa. what are some other beaches? >> i don't know. but i need to go shopping. >> there's definitely more. i have a little bit of a headache, but -- all of these customers, but it's going good. it's going good.

yeah. or the air filter. yeah. you should have that checked. >> you're not going to put all of those in your -- >> mmm. >> what is this guy doing? >> it's going good. yeah, stop by. oh, happy hour. what time does that start? yeah. mmm. i like those potato skins. man, i'm feeling really dizzy right now. i'm working on this lady's returning advil. i only had a little. >> she's helped four people. >> i'm on the phone, ma'am. please. >> there's something wrong with this man. >> what? >> can you open this? i need to --

that's it. all right. do you want a hit? >> no. >> okay. i've got to call you back. this woman is getting test we me. i don't know why. all right. bye. >> you don't know why? >> all right. let me finish this survey. so the last time you were here, did you ever -- >> there's something wrong with that dude. >> okay. >> go sit down somewhere. >> let's go one to negative seven. how would you rate my professionalism? >> zero. >> good. >> how's this going over here? >> this is not going. >> it's going really good. she's returning vodka and -- >> no, i'm not. >> and advil. and she opened -- some of these were opened, but we can return it, right? >> yeah, we can return it. >> he just took four handfuls of this and a swig of this vodka. >> oh, come on. >> it looks like you have all tens here. good job.

>> yeah. that was before he hit the ground. >> okay. his professionalism says 10 here, though. you gave him a 10? >> not from me, no. a one. >> don't be a narc, lady. don't be a narc. >> i'm not going to deal with this man, okay? just get him away from me. >> listen, if you don't want to deal with me, could you deal with jimmy kimmel? because you're on his show right now. [ bleep ] [ applause ] >> no. there's cousin sal there. all right. martha plimpton is here. freeman. so stick around. [ applause ] portions of ""jimmy kimmel

find new roads. audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology. that's a game changer. friday night owls and saturday early birds... for the new sonoma goods for life collection... save 50 to 60% on everyday apparel for him and for her... and 40% for the kids. save on sonoma for your home too. plus get kohl's cash. kohl's. getting unlimited data for your family is a struggle. other carriers either don't offer it, or it's too expensive! not t-mobile! introducing the best data plan ever! get three lines of unlimited 4g lte data for just fifty bucks each, and get a fourth line, free!

so tell those other guys you're done worrying about data. get three lines of unlimited data for fifty bucks each, and a fourth line on us. hurry, only at t-mobile. >> what do you do? >> stay at home dad. >> oh, you're not? >> we don't have any kids.

thank you so much. did you say honey? hey, try some? mmm that is tasty. is it real? of course... are you? nope animated you know i'm always looking for real honey for honey nut cheerios well you've come to the right place.

not at all mmm you're all right bud? never better i don't know if he likes that. yeah part of the complete breakfast >> jimmy: welcome back. from "the real o'neals," as you can see tuesdays on abc, martha plimpton is with us. and later, he is a multi-grammy award winner with the group lady antebellum.

called "the driver," charles kelly from the samsung theater. tomorrow night, jason bateman, music from cee lo green. >> jimmy: tomorrow night, jason bateman, aja naomi king, and music from cee-lo green. and friday, an encore performance of our 11th annual "after the oscars" tv special . with ben affleck, tracy morgan, chris rock, nathan lane, matthew broderick, henry cavill, jesse eisenberg, sacha baron cohen, alicia vikander, and that no-good matt damon, who was not invited, but did show up. four first guest is an oscar and golden globe-winning actor, kennedy center honoree, and afi lifetime achievement award winner whose tonsils have already been selected for enshrinement at the smithsonian museum. his new movie "london has fallen" opens in theaters friday, please welcome

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: always lovely to have you here. >> thank you. nice crowd. >> jimmy: i assume you came here in a car, limousine of some kind. you were driven here. >> yes. >> jimmy: when you get into a car with a chauffeur, how frequently do they mention "driving miss daisy"? >> i have the same driver all the time. he's only done it once. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and you kept him, which is nice. >> well, the first time, you know, it's okay. >> jimmy: i have that app waze. it's a navigation app for people who don't know where to go, and i'm one of those people. and your voice is now the voice that guides me around town. >> so i'm told. >> jimmy: you don't use waze? >> no, no, i don't drive. >> you don't ever drive? >> well, sometimes.

you're going when you drive. i do not, but now thanks to you, i do know where i'm going. it's really quite a service. it would be weird for you to be listening to your own voice telling you where to drive, though. you should try it sometime. potentially it could be a -- >> i really don't think so. >> jimmy: you don't think so? not a big app guy in general? >> i'm just not a big morgan freeman listening to-er. >> jimmy: i saw a clip a minute ago during the monologue. let's show that clip again. the end of the oscars. it's chris rock. >> an amazing experience. >> jimmy: there's you. girl scout cookies. eating the girl scout cookies. and then exiting the building. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: see, there you get a round of applause for eating cookies. did you pay for the cookies?

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: you miss the point of stealing if you do that. how many cookies did you end up getting? >> two. i was trying only to get one. i didn't want to be greedy, but i had two, and i wasn't going to put one back. >> jimmy: i read -- and i've not -- did you at one time work for the post office? >> yes. >> jimmy: where? >> san francisco. >> jimmy: that seems like the worst place to deliver mail. >> any place is the worst place to deliver mail. >> jimmy: were you a mail carrier? >> i was a substitute mail carrier. that's the worst kind you can be. >> jimmy: why is that worst? >> because you don't know the route. a mail carrier takes off, he's gone for a week or a day or whatever, and you take his route and you don't know anything about it. a lot of mailboxes you can't find, but you better deliver the mail.

dogs. at the door. daring you to do anything. [ laughter ] >> stick the mail in, and hold it. [ applause ] >> jimmy: a substitute mail carrier. i never even realized they had those. >> i'm not going to get into trouble for telling that story, because it was the early '60s. >> jimmy: you should be fine. i don't think you even did anything wrong. >> i didn't really. >> jimmy: you know, the price of stamps just went down from 49 to 47 cents. do you still mail things? are you a letter writer? >> no. no, no. >> so you do not have >> uh-uh. >> jimmy: you don't go out and get the mail yourself? >> i do not. i have people that work for me. they do all that kind of stuff. >> jimmy: wow, that's when you know you're a big shot. you don't have to go to the mailbox.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there's no arguing with that. you're working on a project that sounds very interesting to me. it's for nat geo. tell us a little bit about this. >> it is the story -- we call it the god project. it's the story of god, religion. >> jimmy: is this auto biographical? >> not at all. not at all. you shouldn't do that. [ laughter ] >> but we go all over the world to the religious hot spots. that is, where we know that religions got their beginnings, their starts, you know, different religions. so we went to egypt and to india and to turkey and to -- rome, all of these places, and talked to people about what it is, what it means. >> jimmy: do you feel like you learned something?

i learned quite a lot. yeah. different religions -- all religions, for instance, have a creation story. all religions have a place for to you go after you die. something you can do. hindus, for instance, not really all that happy with the idea of reincarnation. i thought it was like an end in itself, but it isn't. reincarnation is -- if you're hindu, you have to keep coming back and trying to get it right. and you have to keep on until you do get it right. >> jimmy: when you do get it right, where do you go? >> you transcend. you become pure energy just like the other guy. >> jimmy: so theoretically, everybody left on this planet screwed up? >> if you're hindu. if you have a hindu belief. >> jimmy: if the hindus have it right. >> yes. >> jimmy: where did you learn to

is it something that you worked on? or just from your family? >> i don't even know what you mean. >> jimmy: well, i tell you, i loved "the electric company" when i was a kid. and on that show, you were easy reader. and the way you spoke was -- it just sounded like -- it just sounded great. and i assume that you got that from -- i mean, the way i speak, is like that of a clown. so this is what i got from my family. whereas i assume your family -- you must have a -- i don't know. >> i went to school to be a -- to study how to be an actor. and in that school, los angeles city college, i had a voice and diction instructor who was very

and so you had to learn to speak and sound your final consonants, things like that. >> jimmy: so you actually learned something in college. i learned how to drink beer out of a funnel. [ laughter ] >> well, i -- i was old. >> jimmy: how old were you in college? >> 22. >> jimmy: oh, wow, ja. yeah. you started college when you were 22 years old. >> yeah. but i only went for about 20 minutes, so -- >> jimmy: that was an intense 20 minutes. whatever you learned in that 20 minutes, worked out well. when we come back, we'll see a clip from your new movie. and i have something fun for to you do, if you would be so kind. we're going to go out on the street and have you narrate a person walking by on hollywood boulevard. morgan freeman is here. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] hi. hi...

thanks. these pants are really speaking to me. can i look at the back? ooooooooooooooh! do you even know what you have back there? give me your pants. you should go to old navy. all pants are on sale up to 40% off. ahhhhhh! you guys!

shopping for an suv? well, this is the time. and your ford dealer is the place, to get 0% financing for 60 months on a ford suv. that's right. just announced. ford explorer...edge...escape... and expedition... are available with 0% financing for 60 months. ford suvs. designed to help you be unstoppable. no wonder ford is america's best selling brand. but hurry, 0% financing for 60 months on ford suvs is a limited time offer.

[anthony] last year, i didn't go to h&r block. but this year, i can go to block and pay half, what i paid my other guy. so follow us, we're going to h&r block. [richard] switch to block and so my kids don't have to forage, got two jobs to pay a mortgage, and i've also got a brain. life's short, talk is cheap. i'll be working while you sleep. still don't think i've got a brain? you think a resume's enough? who'll step up when things get tough? don't you want that kind of brain? a degree is a degree. you're gonna want someone like me. but only if you have a brain. to those caked in flour... coated in dust... even covered in lava.

with delta touch2o technology, you can. see what delta can do. pain from your day can haunt you at night, don't let it. advil pm gives you the healing sleep you need, helping you fall asleep and stay asleep so your body can heal as you rest.

2watu# s4 bt@qop< tt2watu# s4 "a@q_\x tt2watu# s4 bm@qtwt tt4watu# s4 " dztq 0 t tt4watu# s4 " entq @$4 tt4watu# s4 " gzt& y#l tt4watu# s4 " hnt& i- tt4watu# s4 " iztq #dx tt4watu# s4 " jntq 148 tt4watu# s4 " lzt& )yd we can also assume all communication are compromised. anything not secured could be compromised, sir. >> banning would know that too. how could he reach out? >> there, freeze that.

>> no, he's right-handed. >> okay. well, the president doesn't move without a drone or satellite over his head. banning knows that. >> it's his left hand. southpaw six. >> shorthand for mi 6. >> look for any mi 6 location in that area. >> yes, sir. >> all right. >> jimmy: that is morgan freeman in "london has fallen" in theaters on friday. you play the vice president of the united states. >> i've been demoted a bit. >> jimmy: yeah, you've been demoted from president -- actually from god to president to vice president. >> go figure. >> jimmy: things are not going well. i think this will be a fun thing for us to do. we have a camera on hollywood boulevard right now. there's always people walking by. we thought it would be fun if you would narrate, doing as you do so famously, someone passing us, okay? >> okay. >> jimmy: so let's see what we have, and i'll be quiet.

here we go. >> there it was, the man in the red checkered shirt, holding his selfie stick. trying to get that perfect selfie. perfect selfie paul, that's what he called him. [ laughter ] >> how he loved that selfie stick. looking for that perfect selfie. could this be the one? the light's just right. maybe over by this wall? no. not perfect enough for perfect selfie paul. oh, did he look at the camera? [ applause ] >> goodbye, paul. oh, hello, paul. there he is. but look who it is. another selfie stick guy. selfie stick sam.

just two grown-ass men taking pictures of themselves on a [ bleep ] stick. [ cheers and applause ] >> morgan freeman, everybody. "london has fallen" opens friday. we'll be right back with martha plimpton. that's not fair, he should give you your rollerblades back. anddddd, she's back. storm coming? a very dangerous cheese storm. so you have 20 more bags. mhm. my yoga instructor calls it the death spiral. i call it living the dream. american express presents the blue cash everyday card with no annual fee. cash back on purchases. see you tomorrow. backed by the service and security of american express. pain from your day can haunt you at night, don't let it. advil pm gives you the healing sleep you need,

so your body can heal as you rest. advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. never underestimate the power of energizer. our longest lasting energizer max ever. whatcha gonna do when you get outta here? i'm gonna have some fun! what do you consider fun? fun, natural fun! yeah, we rocking right now. there's a party over here.

there has to be a way. carry the centimeter, divide by 3.14 something something something... [ beeping, whirring ] great caesar salad! and now the name your price tool shows people policy options to help fit their budget. is that a true story? yeah! people really do save an average of over $500 when they switch. i mean about you inventing it. i invented the story, and isn't that what really matters? so... what else about me? now you can create your own tour of italy at olive garden, starting at $12.99. choose 3 of 10 favorites to enjoy on one plate. plus unlimited salad and breadsticks. the best tour of italy is the one you create.

for the past 27 days, four men have outlasted authorities by making their getaway in a prius. this game ends now. to catch a prius, you've gotta be a prius. guys, what's that? oh, man. toyota. let's go places. ah, a classic case of who dunnit? luckily, jay chews trident to help clean and protect his teeth, so he can claim his innocence with a convincing grin. that's it jay, they'll never know. trident. cherish your teeth. 3d touch on iphone 6s respondsto the pressure of your finger. so you can do a ton of stuff in a lot less time.

or watch a video without opening it. you can do pretty much everything faster. shooting stuff. music stuff. couch shopping. shoe shopping. running. kind of. checking a flight from an email. i'm peeking my flight. i'm not peeking my flight. i'm peeking my...wait, i missed my flight. owl photos. desert photos. photos of... dolphins! a high-stepping man. pizza gifs.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. coming up music from charles kelly. our next guest is a very talented and humorous woman whom you know from "raising hope." she returns to tv on "the real o'neals" tuesday nights on abc. please say hello to martha plimpton. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's been far too long since i last saw you. >> i agree, jimmy. >> jimmy: did you see morgan freeman? >> i did, on his way out. >> jimmy: did you speak to him? >> i did indeed.

>> well, i do now. but i knew him in a different sort of way. i mean, we all did, of course. >> jimmy: right. >> no, i used to ride the 104 bus with him when i went to school every morning. >> jimmy: really? when was this? >> i would say '48, '49. that was an age joke. no, when i was little, i rode the bus to school. >> jimmy: did you know him from "the electric company"? >> i knew him as the easy reader. >> jimmy: i was telling him during commercial break, to me, that's when i thought i was starting to grow up when i shifted from "sesame street" to "the electric company." >> yes, that was a milestone in our media consumption. >> >> jimmy: yeah, you looked back on "sesame street" with scorn, like, ew, that's for babies. you have a very distinctive voice. have you done voiceover work? >> have i on occasion.

mode game thing. >> jimmy: the little boys are crazy for that, right? >> and for a little while, i was the voice of like a pet food company for a little while. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. but then the market crashed. and they fired me because they didn't want to pay me anymore. >> jimmy: and people started feeding their pets garbage when the market crashed. they don't need to buy food anymore. >> i have done some books on tape. things like that. >> jimmy: i have never listened to a book on tape. >> you should if you're driving. it's a lot of fun. >> jimmy: i like to read when i drive. but i listen to the radio when i drive. but what i wonder about it, and everybody else -- everyone other than me knows the answer to this question. but do you do the character voices of the people? is it like a play in that way? or do you just read it? >> well, ideally, one would try to make the sounds of the people that they're speaking for. >> jimmy: okay. >> i'm a -- you know, there was one time when i was doing one of

and i might not have gone through it as thoroughly as i should have. and i showed up to -- this is embarrassing. but i showed up to record it. and we started. and all of a sudden, found out that there was going to be a really, really important russian character in it. >> jimmy: in the book? >> yeah. so i had to do a russian accent for like 400 pages. [ laughter ] >> and i didn't -- >> jimmy: how did that go? >> it went well. you'd be surprised what you can do if you just commit, jimmy. it went really well. >> jimmy: plus you never really have to get any feedback, do you? >> i want people to know i'm perfectly willing to read the book more thoroughly from now on. i'm a very professional-ish actress. >> jimmy: i see. you actually will read the book time. >> that is my hope. that is what i strive to do. >> jimmy: i think it's all of our hope, really. >> jimmy: how old were you when you started acting?

>> jimmy: did you ever have regular jobs, like regular people? >> well, i mean, in a manner of speaking. not really. you know, you go through dry spells. you know this as an actor. there's going to be -- you know, it's feast or famine, as they say, james. >> jimmy: so i've heard. >> can i call you james? >> jimmy: yes, you may. >> thank you. so every now and then, you have to make ends meet. and my godsister does these industrials, you know, for these big corporate companies, right? >> jimmy: right. >> where they do these presentations where you have to like introduce some new product or whatever. and they have actors come out and do songs and dances. and for a little extra dough, she said, why don't you write the script for one of these things? and i said, okay, great. what do they want me to do? she said, they want you to write slam poetry about drugs. pharmaceuticals. their new drugs.

>> their new prescription drugs. and i said, uh, slam poetry? i mean, okay. i'm not a poet. >> jimmy: right. >> i don't know -- i mean, i read it occasionally. i enjoy the occasional poem, but i don't know how to make a poem. do you? don't act like you do, because you don't. it's very hard. >> jimmy: you have to find rhymes for like -- >> no, no, like -- >> jimmy: celebrex or allegra or something? >> poetry is about more than just rhyming, james. form. >> it's about feelings, man. it's about truth, man. >> jimmy: so do you eat the drugs and then write the poems? >> oh, i wish. >> jimmy: if it was really about truth, you would have done that. me in my research if i had. >> jimmy: do you remember any of the poems? >> oh, god. >> jimmy: you do remember. give us just a little bit of one. just a little bit. [ applause ] >> jimmy: and if it's not too much trouble, do it in a russian accent.

>> oh, man. you're really putting me on the spot here. >> jimmy: well, you know, what are you going to do? >> i can only say the word lenin leningrad in russian. >> jimmy: okay. forget the russian accent. >> let me see. okay. it's really, really bad ---ing? and it's about a heart or a blood pressure medication. >> jimmy: okay. >> and it begins thusly. and so -- very poetic. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you want to come in in the middle with feelings. and so my heart is a locomotive -- oh, god. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's not terrible so far. my heart is a locomotive.

>> jimmy: and i am the fire? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my heart is a locomotive, and i am the fire. >> i said it. you don't have to repeat it. you made me say it. >> jimmy: i'm trying to understand it. >> i don't understand it either. slam poetry. nobody gets slam poetry. you're not supposed to understand what they're saying. >> jimmy: how much money did you get paid? did you get paid for it? >> i got paid enough, yes. >> jimmy: by the way, i do want to mention your show. "the real o'neals," which is very funny it. premiered tonight on abc. i was on one of the episodes. >> yes, you were. >> jimmy: i didn't see you when we taped. >> i know, unfortunately. because you have some kind of difficult schedule apparently. >> jimmy: the reviews are coming in. people are saying i was great. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: but the show is very, very funny. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i recommend you watching it. it's called "the real o'neals." tuesday nights at 8:30 here on abc. [ applause ] >> jimmy: martha plimpton, everybody. thank you, martha.

the jimmy kimmel concert series is presented by samsung. if your family outing is magical for all the wrong reasons. you may be muddling through allergies. try zyrtec for powerful allergy relief. and zyrtec is different than claritin . because it starts working faster on the first day you take it.

"the "jimmy kimmel live"" concert series is presented by samsung. >> thanks to morgan freeman. thanks to martha plimpton. apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next, but first, his album is called "the driver" here with the song "lonely girl" charles kelley. ahh ahh what's the matter you used to be so in love now you're crying he wasn't everything you dreamed of i gotta tell you

good enough for you lonely girl you're the only girl for me can't you see when you're all alone put this record on in your room oh and you won't be lonely you won't be lonely girl ooh yeah don't you worry i'm never gonna let you down when you need me i'm always gonna be around close your eyes i'll take your body anywhere it wants to go lonely girl you're the only girl for me can't you see when you're all alone

in your room oh and you won't be lonely you won't be lonely girl lonely girl lonely girl ooh lonely girl yeah, you're my lonely girl it's just you and me and the sound of your heartbeat's rhythm just you and me and the sound of your heartbeat's rhythm lonely girl you're the only girl for me can't you see when you're all alone put this record on

oh and you won't be lonely you won't be lonely girl oh yeah i feel your heartbeat's rhythm ooh and you won't be lonely you won't be lonely girl [ cheers and applause ] pour out your heart in three-twenty the one you didn't write for the money you turn it in nobody's listening but you got a cut so the check's coming

it don't mean nothing but every girl with a dream wants to be your friend one day you're the king and the next you're not it's handshakes and whiskey shots boy and throwing up in parking lots all by yourself but i ain't never leaving nashville i ain't never leaving nashville you're getting calls from old friends they say heard your song wanna write again you're coming up with brand new ways to say no then you're six months without a hold every other day you're getting canceled now you're calling up old friends

way it goes one day you're the king the next you're not handshakes and whiskey shots boy and throwing up in parking lots all gone to hell hell i ain't never leaving nashville i ain't never leaving nashville oh and your friends are friends with country stars yeah they're buying homes this is "nightline." >> tonight, women uniting in a campaign in the fight for abortion rights. ism i was wise enough to know like i'm not ready to be a mom. >> emotional pleas, hoping to sway the highest court in the biggest challenge to reproductive rights in two

>> this is what the pro-life movement looks like. >> tonight, we're on the front line with impassioned supporters on both sides, trying to make the critical difference. plus, "modern family" star aerial winter grew up in the spotlight. >> but that's okay >> now she is opening up about her breast reduction surgery. >> i was in pain. i couldn't sit up straight. >> and how life at home was anything but a hollywood fairy tale, and her newfound confidence. >> you're lighter in every way. >> exactly. plus, astronaut scott kelly's return to earth. >> i felt like i had been up there my whole life. >> tonight, how this historic mission in nearly a year in zero gravity may have changed him. so is he really younger and taller? but first, "the nightly news" five.