tonight -- adam carolla. and neil diamond.ith cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's jimmy kimmel live and now, i've been inclined to believe, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. today is one of my favorite days of the year. it's a monday after daylight savings time ends. i like it when the clocks go back because it feels like you get an extra hour. you know how i spent my extra hour? i spent it setting 11 different clocks back. [ laughter ] some people question the need for daylight saving time. but most people like it. i mean, at this point, daylight is the only savings most americans still have. [ laughter ] daylight saving time. i looked it up today. it's an idea benjamin franklin came up with during a time when people used candles for light and wanted to save money. now we don't use candles. we have tanning booths instead. but the earlier daylight is still important to farmers and toddlers who need to wake up early to empty all of their stuffed animals

. >> tonight, adam carolla is here, neil diamond, the president dodges monkeys.ed my father's '69 norton commando. it's been a dream of mine to restore it. and it's my dream for him to finish it. frank has something great to save up for. this is my dad. isn't that cool? and a very understanding girlfriend. i showed him a wells fargo savings account with my savings plan. [ frank ] and what it does is it takes a little bit of my money and puts it towards my goal. i want to get all the original parts and do it right. for my dad. there's a couple months in between parts. so, one at a time. [ male announcer ] wells fargo. with you when it's time to save. ♪

. >> jimmy kimmel gets back to .500 with a win over adam carolla. you remember adam, right? >> jimmy: no, sal, i don't. in other action, dax shepard's with a convincing win over joel mchale's cellar-dwellers. >> kristen bell sneaks past jb smoove in a low-scoring, single point nail-biter. >> jimmy: and, number one seed the sports guy bill simmons lays waste to number two william the refrigerator perry. who took sportsmanship to a new level with a gift for a game well won. >> time to pay up. no shame in getting beat by me. i'm 7-1. >> put those in the produce drawer. they'll be nice and crisp. >> what are these green beans? >> it's a great time of the year for apples. >> i guess. >> and take this. put it on the hallburgers and chicken. >> is it gluten free? >> and, a cake. >> fridge, this is way too much food. look at this. >> you invited me in for lunch? i would love to. you're a good loser, bob. >> it's bill. >> whatever. >> jimmy: hakuna matata. right? check out next week's matchups on the "jimmy kimmel live" youtube page. >> the "jimmy kimmel live" fatah si league right h

and adam carolla keeps his playoff hope as live. >> and once red hot william "the refrigerator" perry stace ice cold with a loss to joel mchale. but isn't the only one with pig skin credentials. >> i was 0 top on the captain. >> call me captain, i was captain of the crunch. >> you're a quarterback. >> no. >> what did you play? >> what did you play? >> i played the clarinet. >> in the band. without that, there would be no spirit. so in a way, i was more important than the players to the team. >> wow. >> jimmy's a nerd. >> jimmy: you know i can hear that, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. >> jimmy: check out next week's matchup on the jimmy kimmel live youtube page. >> imfae jimmy kimmel i'm cousin sal. to follow the action go to youtube channel and click on fantasy league. "jimmy kimmel live"! back in two minutes. with kate walsh. and "dancing with the stars" kurt warner. ♪ turn the tub around ♪ talking about nutrition [ female announcer ] "i can't believe it's not butter" with no trans fat and 70% less saturated fat than butter. butter taste, better health. [ exclaims ] ...with...stage

i also want to mention that my pal adam carolla has a new book. it came out today.s call "in phity years, we'll all be chicks." i have no explanation for the cover, which is nothing short of disturbing, but the inside part is very funny, and somehow, he got blurbs from alec baldwin and ken burn, which, that can't be the real ken burn, can it? can it? maybe it can, i don't know. buy that, adam needs money. you know, our first guest tonight from the movies 'crash,' '2012,' and 'mission: impossible 2' among others. her latest is called 'for colored girls' but they say anyone can buy a ticket to it. if they want. it opens friday, please say hello to thandie newton. how are you? >> oh, you have your microphone. >> jimmy: you know that happens a lot. women will come out and put on their own microphone. i think because they don't want dirty microphone guys touching your body. >> you're absolutely right. i would never have a dirty microphone man anywhere near me. >> jimmy: ho are you? >> very well. it's a wonderful year to be here. >> because of halloween? >> yes. i had a w

. >> bill simmons locks up the number one seed, clobbering, then consoling adam carolla. >> i thought you could use these to mop up your tears. there's plenty more where that came from. >> a pyramid of kleenex? >> mop 'em up! >> that's class. speaking of class, j.b. smoove showed absolutely none with his 63-point victory over me, thanks to michael vick. >> let me tell you something. i make reservations prior to me beating your ass. >> what does that mean? you make reservations? >> i made reservations with reality. >> i don't understand that. is there a phone number? >> you call yourself. >> and when what do you say, hi? >> i say, i'm going to beat jimmy's ass. that's what i say. >> when i call myself, it goes straight to voice mail. anyone else's phone work like that? >> mine would do that, too. >> i got an older phone. the rotary dial phone. >> he's got a point. try calling yourself. >> you're right. i'm going to call -- >> call it in. >> i think we can all stand to call ourselves next week. >> yeah. >> you people are ridiculous. >> thank you, the fridge. for being reasonable. and a

>>> comedian adam carolla does not hold his tongue when it comes to his opinions.ite guy. >> hello,ed a. >> hello, ladies. >> i love the title, by the way. fun. who came up with that? >> i did. >> yeah, you did? >> yeah. what do you want me to say? i paid a guy to come up with it. >> a lost people do in this business and they don't give credit to the people that give them the -- >> that's what i'm doing, yeah. >> yeah. >> called ghost writers. >> why are you so angry, fired up, cranky? >> i'm not. i have one speed. i don't have, like, fours and fives. i'm just nines and tens so everything to me, you know, it could be the war in iraq or it could be a hummingbird, it doesn't matter to me, i'm angry about it. and i show it one way. >> isn't that what you basically say about women, though, we only have one tone? >> that's one tone, yeah. like, yeah, i have my -- well, you don't have a wife, right? yeah, but i've walked in a time or two on my wife and she's been on the phone with, like, one of her friends from work, like, oh, my god, oh, my god, that's horrible, i am so

. >> jimmy: adam carolla a solid victory over joe mchale. >> the fighting kimmels are heating up pounding team fridge. >> jimmy: thank you for saying that, sal. and kristen bell embarrassing fiance dax shepard, and it is starting to take its toll on our adorable couple. >> i don't think you had to beat me by that much. >> i couldn't control that. but if anyone should be apologizing to anyone, you should be apologizing to me. >> for losing by 47 points? because you're the man. how does that make me look? you were beat by a girl. >> she just put it on you. take it like a man. >> just hypothetically if your lady had beaten you, this resoundingly, what would -- >> guess what i would have did? i would have made up to her. >> bingo! >> jimmy: good one, fridge. i don't know what that means, but that's a good one. >> the "jimmy kimmel live" fantasy league, right here every week. >> jimmy: presented by gmc. i'm jimmy kimmel. >> and i'm his cousin sal. pop. doesn't work. >> dicky: to follow the action all season long, go to the "jimmy kimmel live" youtube channel and click on fantasy league for sco