with albert brooks. man: and all the pens are put down...e is to learn is learned. man: till the heroes retire and the monsters return to their dens... woman: and all the plots are wrapped up. man: till that day... boy: by hook or by crook... girl: by book or by nook... woman: i will read. where everyone feels at home. where the company, the conversation, and the food make all who enter feel welcome. a place that feels as warm with a crowd... as it does with just a friend. it's a place you'll find town house crackers. because they're part of what makes your place the place. ♪ welcome to town house. where good times reside. they're itchy, dry and uncomfortable. i can't wait to take 'em out, throw 'em away and never see them again. [ male announcer ] know the feeling? get the contacts you've got to see to believe. acuvue® oasys brand contact lenses. feel how hydraclear® plus keeps your eyes exceptionally comfortable all day long. it feels like it disappeared on my eye. [ male announcer ] discover why it's the brand eye doctors trust most for c

tonight's guest, the great, the great albert brooks. [cheers and applause] hey, remember like a week ago, the president released his birth certificate and celebrated his newfound citizenship by having someone shoot osama bin laden in the face? [laughter] it felt like the events were connected, like maybe we'd finally put all these ginned up and ridiculously overblown non-controversies, like the birther thing, to rest. we were going to focus on things that matter, winning the war on terror, the budget, fiscal things, getting things done. well, i hope you enjoyed that period of time. >> first lady michelle obama is hosting a poetry reading, and one of her guests is raising a lot of eyebrows tonight. he's a chicago poet and a rapper who goes by the stage name "common." >> he's a reverend wright defender. it sounds like he's a promotor of cop-killing. i've looked at some of his lyrics. they are raunchy. they are rough. they are raw. >> yeah, let's invite a misogynist to the white house. [laughter] >> jon: are we really doing this again, for

the book is "2030" albert brooks, you got to go pick this up. it's albert brooks, everybody.

the book is "2030" albert brooks, you got to go pick this up. it's albert brooks, everybody., on the radio. gecko: hello clarence from stevens point. clarence: ok, you know the grapes at the grocery store? clarence: well, sometimes you try one. take it for a test drive, see how it tastes. clarence: well, my wife says that's stealing. i say it's sampling. what do you think? gecko: yeah, um, listen clarence, i can't really speak to the moral bit, but if you switch to geico, you could save hundreds of dollars on your car insurance. you could buy a whole heap of grapes. how's that? vo: geico. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.

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tonight -- albert brooks. chaz bono. and music from rammstein. and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" ♪ >> dicky: and now, first and foremost foremost, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: gracias. i'm jimmy i'm the host of the show. i don't know if you saw, but outside our building today, one of the great singers, chaka khan got a star on the hollywood walk of fame. that's a very big deal. she should get four stars. that way, while you walk, you can say, chaka khan chaka khan. right? we have quite a lineup for you tonight. who is here to say albert brooks, who is here to see rammstein and who is here to see chaz bono? really, a lot of crossover. we will definitely make a love connection in this audience tonight. speaking of love connections, the saga of arnold schwarzenegger and the maid continues to dominate the news here in california. as you probably know, on tuesday, arnold admitted to having fathered a child with a member of his housekeeping staff. specifically, this member of his housekeeping staff. there they are d

clean magic eraser kitchen scrubber... >> dickey: next week on jimmy kimmel live" -- albert brooks.o. and adam carolla. plus music from christina perri and rammstein. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series, sponsored by bud light. to stream off-air performances and other music videos, go to jimmykimmellive.com. [ male announcer ] at cheez-it, we expect a lot from our cheese. hello. hello. how are you? how are you? are you mocking me? are you mocking me? [ both ] well it sounded like you were... now that you're repeating... everything...that i say. ok. ok. [ both ] we made some progress yesterday. [ pen clicks ] click. check. [ pen clicks ] click. [ male announcer ] we take the time for our cheese to mature before we bake it into every delicious cracker because at cheez-it, real cheese matters. humu-humu-nuku-nuku-apua-a. just look at him. i wanted a trip to hawaii, but he got lost in the links. [ husband ] linkin park twitter alert, cash alert! i've told you, if you're planning a vacation, you have to bing it, honey! when honey badgers attack... [ wife ] see...price predic

join us tomorrow night at 11:00, the great albert brooks will be joining us.(cheers and applause) here it, is your moment of zen. >> thrusting his hips forward and backward in a sexual manner. coach mcdowel then put up three fingers, pointing at the men and in response some individuals in the bleachers shouted "oh, my go captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

join us tomorrow night at 11:00, the great albert brooks will be joining us.rs and applause) here it, is your moment of zen. >> thrusting his hips forward and backward in a sexual manner. coach mcdowel then put up three fingers, pointing at the men and in response some individuals in the bleachers shouted "oh, my captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight a unique solution to the debt crisis in michigan. or as it is soon to be known, mountain dew presents michigan. and my guest hip-hop artist lupe fiasco has a new album called lasers. cat, you're going to want to watch this. animal kingdom wins the kentucky derby. don't worry, plants, you'll get them next year.

join us tomorrow night at 11:00, the great albert brooks will be joining us.cheers and applause) here it, is your moment of zen. >> thrusting his hips forward and backward in a sexual

join us tomorrow night at 11:00, the great albert brooks will be joining us. (cheers and applause) here it, is your moment of zen. >> thrusting his hips forward and backward in a sexual manner. coach mcdowel then put up three fingers, pointing at the men and in response some individuals in the bleachers shouted "oh, my go captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight a unique solution to the debt crisis in michigan. or as it is soon to be known, mountain dew presents michigan. and my guest hip-hop artist lupe fiasco has a new album called lasers. cat, you're going to want to watch this. animal kingdom wins the kentucky derby. don't worry, plants, you'll get them next year. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. welcome to the report. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you. for a second there i wasn't

join us tomorrow night at 11:00, the great albert brooks will be joining us. (cheers and applause) here it, is your moment of zen. >> thrusting his hips forward and backward in a sexual manner. coach mcdowel then put up three fingers, pointing at the men and in response some individuals in the bleachers shouted "oh, my captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen) >> stephen: oh, that's great. oh, that's lovely. (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the report." thank you, ladies and gentlemen. please. folks, i've got to say, that kind of... (cheers and applause) that kind of cheering for me... (cheers and applause) please. oh, please. folks, i've got to say, that kind of cheering for me, that's really how i relieve stress. (laughter) now, nation, i hope you're sitting down. unless you're giving me a standing ovation at home, in which case take your time. (laughter) the rest of you, brace yourself,

the great albert brooks is going to make an appearance on the show, and we'll have music from christinaike relaxing music, that's your band right there. [ applause ] our first guest is a golden globe-winning and oscar-nominated actor who is pregnant with child. pregnant is very hot in hollywood nowadays. you can see her at the epicenter of romantic entanglement in the new movie "something borrowed," it's in theaters now. please say hello to kate hudson. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: look at you. you look great. >> i'm so excited. this is the first time i've ever graced and been honored -- >> jimmy: it's great to have you. you brought a friend as well. >> i did, i did. >> jimmy: we got two of you. >> a growing friend. >> jimmy: congratulations. i don't know if you read the magazines but you are pregnant. >> i am. >> jimmy: do you know if you're having a boy or girl? >> i don't. >> jimmy: that's good, like that. everybody wants to know in advance. >> for me it's sort of like i feel like it sort of takes the expectation out of it, know what i mean? >> jimmy: i guess. >> instead you'r

albert brooks will be here. great. chaz bono will be here. great. the singer in rammstein has an electric light built into his mouth. it's very convenient when you're reading at night. so -- for nothing else tune in to see a man with a light in his mouth. you know our first guest from "that 70s show," "ocean's 11," "spider-man 3" and many other films and tv shows without numbers in the title. starting monday, you can see him as part of an all-star cast in the new docu-drama film "too big to fail." it premieres may 23rd on hbo. please welcome topher grace. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good to see you. >> i've never been here. >> jimmy: you haven't. but we happened to meet on sunday in new york city of all places at a musical. >> i was so sorry to interrupt your date. >> jimmy: i was there with another man, but -- [ laughter ] i was there with joel mchale, actually. >> that's right. the minute -- you have that thing where the minute you walk up to someone on a date you go -- i'm totally blocking what's an amazing situation here. i'm still sorry.