melissa, alex keaton. surprised? no! no. she's your daughter. she's melissa,you're lorraine, i'm still alex. where's the surprise? are you going to be my new daddy? [telephone rings] i'll get that. [ring] hello? [speaking french] merci, claude. au revoir. it's what i dofor a living. you speak french on the phone. no, i'm an arbitrageur. you deal in thesimultaneous sale and purchaseof equivalent commodities in order to profitfrom the price discrepancies. perhaps destiny has taken a hand tonight. well, destiny and iare certainly not strangers. ha ha ha ha! there is absolutely nothingto compare with the thrill of hearing a big bandin person. plus i love the way they dress. you can go anywhere with a big band. but you needa big car. lorraine, may i play you my favorite record? oh, please! alex, i've had a fantastic evening. i blush to say how long it's been since i laughed like this. why haven't youlaughed? oh, many reasons. a bad marriage, a bad divorce. i'm sorry.i didn't mean to pry. oh, no. i don't mind talking about it. you must havemarried very

alex keaton. the wa... the wa... wa... mallory keaton,harding high. the warsaw pact? you're right. the correct answeris the warsaw pact. "what is the longest suspension bridge in the united states?" the verrazano- narrows bridge. correct! five pointsfor harding. [buzz] the question was alreadyanswered, mallory. i thought you might like to know what the secondlongest suspension bridge is. no, not really. but apparently the judges do. the golden gate bridge. now it's all tied. here's another five-point bonus question. "how many bones in the human body?" [buzz] [buzz] that was very close. i don't think i can call it. judges? mallory.mallory. mallory. ok, mallory. "how many bonesare in the human body?" 206. 27 in each hand. 26 in each foot. that's correct. now, the final question for 10 points, which will decide the match. "masters and johnson... are known for their research in what area?" mary catherine. that's correct! st. mary's wins 145 to 140. thank you for being here. good night, everybody. alex, alex. are you ok? hey, alex. alex, come on. straits of magellan! honey, are you ok?

last call for alex p. keaton. marvin kennedy... thank you. alex, i don'twant to lose you because i'msmarter than you. i wouldn't say you're sm-- you're not going to lose me. you go out there, and you give the best valedictory speech this school's ever heard. franklin roosevelt expressed it best when he said,"this generation of americans has a rendezvous with destiny." once again, i thank the faculty for this honor. this is a day i will remember always. thank you. i'd like to extend a hearty congratulations to the graduating class of 1984. it's over, kids. alex, your mother and iwould like you to have this. oh...dad. that-a-boy. i'm so proud of you. mom, you promised you wouldn't get emotional. i'm not emotional. my little baby boy! we're proud of youfor holding it in. we did it, alex. we graduated. we did. great speech, rachel. maybe you can give mesome pointers just graduate, mal. that's all we ask. congratulations to both of you. let's get a picture. hell of a speech. very inspiring. thanks, alex. captions copyright 1 "this is channel 2 news

alex... to surprise you. mr. keaton? yes, sir. that's me. keaton, alex p. dean memminger, no middle initial. well, that'snot your fault, sir. it's a pleasureto meet you, sir. i'm not ready for you yet. i'll be right back. allow me, sir. please wait inside my office. yes, sir. i'll just waitinside your office. you'll be backin a few minutes. so far, so good. whoa. yes, dean memminger. i certainly do want to attend princeton. i have always had a certain... shall we say lust... no, not lust. an admirationfor the ivy league. alex! oh, oh, i saw jeff-- what about jeff? i saw jeff and, and, and the desk, uh, kissing. jeff waskissing the desk? no, he was leaning against the desk. he was, um... he was kissing, um...a girl. oh, boy. i want to go home. let's go home,ok, alex? mallory, are you crazy? i got my interview now! mallory, i'vegot to talk to you! go away, jeff! i don't want to see you! let me explain! let him explain. take her out for dinner. here's some money. i meant to tell youabout sandy. her name's sandy! here'ssome more money. take sandywith you. i'm s

i'm alex b. keaton, and this is irwin handleman. irwin wants to join the army. that's good. what makes youinterested in the army? i want to be a man, sir. well, we can'tpromise anything, irwin. but we'll do our best. alex, why do you want to join? no, no, no.i'm really notthe military type. i'm a...i'm a business major. perhaps you'll want to join our new, elite fighting force-- the airborne accounting corps. the soldiers of fiscal warfare. we drop these troops behind hostile territory, uh, well, actually i'm from a family of fiscal pacifists. too bad. have a seat. irwin, let me ask some questions. ok, shoot. age? 20. any law violations? some people sayi violate the lawsof natural selection. education? two years of college. great! where? grant college. oh. well, you know, sergeant davis, grant college... well, being an institute of lower learning, has produced some fine military prospects. may i remind you that grant college is named for ulysses s. grant. both fine fighting men in their own right. alex, you might be an excellent candidate for our airborne verbal assault team

alex's classes.i'll go to mallory's. mr. tedesco. good guess. who are you? elyse keaton. alex's mother. alex keaton.good man. you mustbe very proud. alex is the beststudent in this class, but half of them think the hunchbackof notre dame was a football player. it's his favorite class. he talks about you frequently. no needto butter me up. my husband and i were anxious to meet you. mallory. i had a studentnamed mallory keaton. she's the one. really? which oneof your childrenis adopted? [bell rings] all right, everybody. attention, please. i'm... ruben tedesco. your children call me mr. tedesco. i think you should, too. i teach european literature. if you don't belong here, don't worry. neither do most of your children. this is an open forum. i'll answer any intelligent questions you may have. i was wondering-- hands, please. the lady in front. my son. he says you pick on him. you call him names. who's your son? larry morgan. madam, your sonis an insipid,pimple-faced liar. anyone else? pleaseidentify yourself. i'm mrs. vinnie. my daughter mindy so enjoyed reading the little prince. is there anything else you'd

now i present to you the valedictorian of the class of 1989-- alex p. keaton.

alex. i've never seen anyoneeat that fast. it was incredible. i was afraid to put my hands near her mouth. hi, jennifer...mallory, mr. keaton. i was giving scott some tips for his interview. i'll give you the opposite advice i gave alex before his interview-- just be yourself. ok. dinner, she's served. great. i can't tell you how hungry i am. i love a man with a healthy appetite. [bell rings] [bang bang bang] i guess she's still hungry. i'll take her some more pasta alex, alex. what's all this stuff? just some pictures from when we were kids. any pictures of you, mallory? i don't think so. hey, wait a second. look. there's mallory. no, that's us dressed for halloween as miss piggy and kermit the frog. no, in back. look. that's mallory's foot. scott, i was just thinking-- the indians are playing saturday. do you want to go? oh, sure. mallory, we have lots of catching up to do. this picture of your foot sparks memories. yes, do you have two tickets left for tonight's indians game? you have 35,000? well, i only need two. my name is jennifer keaton. thank you. bye. any sign of scott? no, i haven't seen him. tonight we're watching

you keatons will always hold the family bannerhigh. alex will probably be running the country soon, that's the most pathetic speech i've ever heard. no, the most pathetic oneis coming now. you guys know what it's like to be washed up before you're 30? go ahead and actlike a kid, but you havean adult's problem. you havea drinking problem, ned.you need help. i don't have a drinking problem. yes, you do. admit it. i think you should call alcoholics anonymous. you're kidding, elyse. you actually thinki'm an alcoholic? ned, you're sick. you have a disease. if you don't do something, it will kill you. i don't care. it's over for me. it is notover for you, uncle ned. you wereat the top once. you can make itback up there again. do you rememberthese clippings? young executiveof the year, 1980. when you madejunior vice presidentat 28. alex, what are you doing with this stuff? whenever i thinki can't achieve something, i look at those. yeah, well, alex, these are ancient history. they're garbage. hey, uncle ned, don't do that. hey, give me those. leav

keaton. i was thinking elyse lamour. she's a folk singer, not a stripper. how about ramblin' elyse lamour? no, thanks, alex. come on, elyse, you better get dressed. i'm having troublewith this land is your land. can you sing it now? i could sureuse the practice. let's see. this landis your land this land is my land from the redwood forest honey, i'm sorry. california, right? california shoot. start again. pick it up a little. this land is your land this land is my land from california from the redwood forest to the gulf stream waters this land was made for you and me everybody! as i was walking that ribbon of highway i saw above me mom, maybe you shouldplay some modern songs. songs like beat itor murder by numbers, da do do do da da da da. ah, those old standards. amazingly enough, mallory may have a point. you should be ready with one of those songs. how does one go? beat it, beat it beat it, beat it no one likesto be defeated show me what's funky show me what's right it doesn't-- i liked it. i'll startwith this land, then blowing in--no, no. blowing first-- do it like you rehearsed it. count your blessing

keaton,andy's father. nice to meet you. meet my wife, elyse. i feel as though i know the family already. i'll bet that's jennifer. you're mallory. and you must be alex. alex, everyoneat the centeris so grateful to you for teaching andyto fill outour tax returns. who would guessyou could deduct prunes? well, see you later. bye-bye. andy really seems to enjoy visiting you at the center. andy's become a very good friend. you can't imagine how nice it is to have a lively visitor. we're runninga little low, andy. i'll get some more. you have a lotof activities. mrs. clark, the center's director, believes seniors should be kept busy. if you're not, she'll lecture you until you chase her with a shuffleboard stick. then she's happy. well, it seems like you lead a full life at the center. well, you knowhow it is. nothing is perfect. eva is perfect. excuse me, but we've done nothing but talk about ourselves since we came in. don't apologize.it's been interesting. you may havesolved my problem. how about a documentary about first-gradersvisiting retirementcenters? that's a good idea. it feels very good, especially since americanslive so much longer now. i coul