as soon as i said that my ass went, we gotta go.t was over like that. it was the quickest, easiest poop i've ever taken in my life. i had my burger king napkins in my hand. i was like, i don't even think i have to wipe, that's how -- [ audience groans ] >> i tell you, i stood up, i looked down. it was the perfect poop. and i said to myself, jimmy kimmel is a genius. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: me? >> jimmy, jimmy kimmel, i got to buy a squatty potty, and while i'm doing that, i hear this voice. hey! i look up. i didn't look far enough behind me. 20 feet away is a fence, people are having a barbecue. i have my pants down, the napkins in my hand. i pull them up and i ran like a bat out of hell. i don't know if they thought it was me or willem dafoe. >> jimmy: denis leary. "second and drugs and rock and roll." we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ who says families have to share data now get four lines. each with up to 10 gigs of 4g lte data. just $30 bucks a line it's 10 gigs for all only from t-mobile and

they can kiss my ass.aking 20 days in the hole. >> do you have a sleep problem or is that just a last-ditch effort -- >> yeah, it is a little bit of a lie. i do have a sleeping problem a little bit. i don't like to get up. but the whole sleeping disorder thing, i made that up. i ain't lying. >>> coming up -- >> you are a grown man, sir. you are a grown man. >> garrett pleads his case. and -- brandon's release hits a snag.. >>> at the chatham county detention center in savannah, georgia, garrett was only a few days away from graduating from the jail's substance abuse program when he received his third idr or inmate disciplinary report. this time for refusing to follow the program's rules to wake up at 5:30 a.m. at the risk of receiving a longer disciplinary sentence, garrett has decided to challenge the idr at a hearing. if he's given any sentence longer than 14 days, he will be sent to disciplinary segregation forcing his removal from the substance abuse program. >> you worried? >> no -- well, maybe. >> my

i'm going to beat his ass. >> who?next door. >> the inmate next to elijah has mental health issues and was placed in the bubble because he is known to cause disruption and disturb inmates around him. >> he would be yelling at elijah. if we keep him in general population he'd yell at everybody. we keep him confined. easier to deal with one individual next to him. that it is a whole dorm like this. >> he wakes up every morning at 2:00 and he goes to talking like an alien or whatever. one of them things from outer space. he says something. wrong with him. but i asked him to be quiet like i mightic with a up from my sleep. man come on. be quiet. [ bleep ] go to sleep. okay. i was tired of it. you call me [ bleep ] one too many times and i can't get to you. i have to flood you out. now they got my water cut off. your water got to be cut off. you're going to smell your own [ bleep ] too if i have to smell mine. >> when i first got here this morning, they were exchanging profanities towards each other so we took his socks bec

they can kiss my ass.ing 20 days in the hole. >> do you have a sleep problem or is that just a last-ditch effort -- >> yeah, it is a little bit of a lie. i do have a sleeping problem a little bit. i don't like to get up. i don't like to get up. but the whole sleeping disorder thing, i made that up. i ain't going to three. >>> coming up -- >> you are a grown man, sir. you are a grown man. >> i know it. >> garrett pleads his case. and brandon agner's release hits a snag. kellogg's® frosted 8 layers of wheat... and one that's sweet. for the adult and kid in all of us. ♪ kellogg's frosted mini-wheats® feed your inner kidult you aren't treated like a priority. we do things differently. we'll take care of it. we put members first. join the nation. thank you. ♪ nationwide is on your side is it keeps the food out. for me before those little pieces would get in between my dentures and my gum and it was uncomfortable. just a few dabs is clinically proven to seal out more food particles. super poligrip is part of my

they can kiss my ass.aking 20 days in the hole. >> do you have a sleep problem or is that just a last-ditch effort -- >> yeah, it is a little bit of a lie. i do have a sleeping problem a little bit. i don't like to get up. but the whole sleeping disorder thing, i made that up. i ain't lying. >>> coming up -- >> you are a grown man, sir. you are a grown man. >> garrett pleads his case. and -- brandon's release hits a snag. go get help, boy. go get help. go get help! right now! if you're a cat, you ignore people. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. go on kitty, kitty... at ally bank no branches equalsit's a fact.. kind of like mute buttons equal danger. ...that sound good? not being on this phone call sounds good. it's not muted. was that you jason? it was geoffrey! it was jason. it could've been brenda. a new sea chance to tryew look. something different. this summer, challenge your preconceptions and experience a cadillac fo

it's "strum-ass." let's see the definition. a strum ass is the guy who always gets out an acoustic guitar at parties. [ laughter ] for example, "that strum-ass paul just showed up and sett g up in the kitchen, let's chapo." [ laughter ] that was "seth explains teen slang." we will be right back, you guys! [ cheers and applause ] with adam sandler! that's amazing. it's amazing. this is amazing. thats amazing! real people are discovering surprising things at chevy. we're sold. it's so pretty. they're good-looking cars. it feels great. perfect. this is not what i would expect from a chevy at all. get more than you expect, for less than you imagined at the chevy 72 hour sale. now, get zero percent financing for seventy-two months on most 2015 chevy vehicles. hurry, the clock is ticking. get yours now. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. who says families have to share data now get four lines. each with up to 10 gigs of 4g lte data. just $30 bucks a line it's 10 gigs for all only from t-mobile .. [ male announcer ] digiorno?

. [ laughter ] look at his ass. >> jimmy: oh my gosh. >> would you look at his ass? >> jimmy: no. it's unbelievable. >> i was in the locker room with him. there is nothing presidential about that ass. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: could be. absolutely. look, i'm a jersey guy. i love the guy. [ cheers and applause ] yeah. >> i tell you what, i've been in show business for 25 years on and off and i never get invited to like the hamptons. you could throw me a bone, dude. i mean, you know. [ light laughter ] we know each other. so originally you were at ron perlman's party or something. you do a big party. here's what i did last weekend. i've been in show business 25, my hand -- jersey people appreciate this. i went to an engagement party at a knights of columbus. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i didn't get the invite to that. >> true story. in perth amboy, new jersey. [ cheers and applause ] before you clap, and i have family in perth amboy and i don't mean to disparage perth amboy. here's the kind of town perth amboy is. [ light laughter ] perth amboy is the kind of town where dogs w

they can kiss my ass.aking 20 days in the hole. >> do you have a sleep problem or is that just a last-ditch effort -- >> yeah, it is a little bit of a lie. i do have a sleeping problem a little bit. i don't like to get up. i don't like to get up. but the whole sleeping disorder thing, i made that up. i ain't lying. >>> coming up -- >> you are a grown man, sir. you are a grown man. >> garrett pleads his case. and -- brandon's release hits a snag. but staying well - physically, financially, emotionally - its hard on your own. so cigna's got your back, and your knees, 24/7. cigna's there to answer your questions. or when you need some coaching. in sickness and in health, cigna's there, helping you to get well and stay well. that's having a partner, who's with you all the way. cigna. look aon tripadvisor.l hotel wait. why leave the site? don't you know the tripadvisor you've always trusted for reviews, book! now checks over 200 websites to find the best price? book...book...book! over 200 sites checked to find

everybody tired of your ass here. >> i'm tired of your ass! >> if i can get to your language, if i can get to what you understand day-to-day, then that's what we use. when all else fails, we take it up a notch further. >> take his ass, put him there, leave him there. >> put your hands out there. >> [ bleep ]. you'll kill me! >> you are going out [ bleep ]. >> [ bleep ] i'm not going to put my hands out. >> i'm not going to let one individual disrupt a thousand. okay? so, if force is needed to remove you from one area to the other, so be it. >> are you going to cuff up? >> you make me cuff up! this man threatened my life, told me he'd take me down -- >> that's good. well, he refused to cuff up and come out. we're going to move him out because he caused a disturbance, and the warden said move him out of the bull pen, let him get some fresh air and calm down. he's refusing to cooperate. wouldn't cuff up. i gave the officer an order to spray him. after a short period of time, he'll cooperate and be ready to come out and get the spray off of him. i

. >> so it was her ass you were checking out initially. >> i was checking out her ass, yeah. >> why dohink they keep walking? >> because they don't want to hear that. >> i don't do you think they don't want to hear it? >> because they get constantly barraged with it. >> just being female and walking down the streets, being cat called, being humiliated, being degraded, that was intolerable to me. [ kissing sound ] >> who did that? did you do that? [ laughter ] >> do you always do that? >> oh, i do it all the time. >> so what are you trying to tell me when you make noises like that towards me? >> that i'm checking you out. >> i wore the same outfit in every city. i had a camera woman and a camera man following me usually across the street. i walked with a small camera at my side. i pulled up my camera and i said -- >> so what did you just say to me? >> i said you're very sexy looking. i give you a compliment. you shouldn't get offended about that. >> while many of the men say they're being complimentary, hadley west feels she's being harassed. >> why are you making comments about my body

my wife the first lady of minnesota she doesn't give a rat's ass about viking football and there are a lot of others who don't care about it. you are telling me you can't charge your fans but can you go to the people and get the money to build the stadium? i said don't let the door hit you in the ass when you go out. >> it would take more than a decade and a half before the vikings got their new stadium with the taxpayers footing half the bill. >> fortunately, the team owners had longer waiting time. they eventually got their stadium through. >> the real pressure though comes from yourself because it's your legacy. and any governor or high ranking elected official if a team does leave, well, that will be your legacy. the only good thing for jesse ventura was, i didn't give a damn because i'm not a career politician. i went there to serve and do the best job i could do for the people who elected me. and the nfl didn't elect me. >> the minnesota vikings new billion dollar u.s. bank stadium is scheduled to open in july of 2016. and given the life span of a new football stadium has dropp

. >> a giant leap for ass kind. let me tell you a story about a little boat.ple used to say to me -- to him, little boy, you will never be president. you're way too big an asshole, jordan -- lilt boy. then he'd cry myself to sleep listening to nickel back. do you know who that little me was, jon? >> jon: it was you. no, it was me, jon, me! but today is a new day, not just for me but the little assholes at home sassing their underpaid cleaning woman, running the first puppy mill or clapping at the wrong parts of wall street, now those assholes can dream. so we say thank you donald trump for being such a tremendous asshole! >> jon: jordan, that was beautiful. thank you. >> thank you, john. by the way, i also (bleep) your mom while your dad watched. >> jon: my dad's passed away, jordan. >> sorry. paul rudd makes it look so easy! >> jon: jordan you're a parent. i'm a colonel. we're both busy people. so pick up my new hand prepared $20 family fill up meal. eight pieces of original recipe chicken, two large mashed potatoes and gravy, a large coleslaw, and 4 biscuits

his dad on the show, have won of the best insults of all-time, he said, why dop you go sit on your assknit herself's bowl housedoll house that i still uso this day, now, dave, i realize you were not born in '90s, if you can remember that to nick at nite. >> i was raised on tv, a big van vijays. >> what? >> i knew gavin would be here, i chose perfect strangers, undocumented worker here for love and family. >> like jeb bush. >> that was 80s. >> it was -- look american dream, back then, you know you live off of rich american relative. sure his country was probably plotting 9/11 at the time,. kennedy: i think he was greek. >> at least he liked america. >> balki loved america. >> i am such an ass kisser, i want to bring bakal -- alternative nation. i had college classes then. kennedy: the flat chested pixie, i would get a bottle of the cheapest red wine, i would sit there between watches and watch alternative nation and drink kennedy thank you for contributing to my alcoholism. kennedy: i would bring back cop rock, that was incredible, singing and dancing police officers in courtrooms. and

i'm an ass. i'm an ass." [ laughter ] >> seth: you just went on vacation with your wife.during the summers when she was younger, and so she wanted to show it to me. and it is beautiful. >> seth: it is a beautiful place. >> we stayed at this sweet little bed and breakfast called 76 maine and it was really sweet. and they had a breakfast. [ laughter ] >> seth: are you sponsored by these guys? >> i'm not. can you imagine? >> seth: yeah. >> a bed and breakfast in nantucket is sponsoring me. [ laughter ] no, but they had this little breakfast, and then they had this little cocktail hour. and that actually made me the most excited 'cause even though i paid for it, it felt free. >> seth: sure. [ laughter ] >> so, i don't know. food just tastes better when you feel like it's free. [ laughter ] it's like an all-inclusive resort. it just feels free. so, we had a great time. >> seth: that's great. do you eat more when you think it's free? >> i do. i do, i do. it's just joy. >> seth: yeah, i get it. [ laughter ] so, this -- connie britton is also in this film and in the clip. >> yeah

i went to visit noel in his tiny ass kitchen with his giant ass gun just to see how angry he was. >>show" is great. i obviously put a link of it on my web site so everybody can see it and i can show it over and over to the all my friends. hey! i was on "the daily show," it was great. >> are you some master of sarcasm? >> of course not. i liked it. i thought i did well. >> they didn't twist your words? not at all. are you sure? i'm 100% positive. maybe some people would see some humor in my views, but i don't. >> in fact, in our experience, the vast majority of "the daily show" interviewees feel the same way. dr. manning, do you regret doing this segment with us six years ago? >> absolutely not, no, because i understood when you asked me to be on the show exactly what it was going to be about, it was going to be an attempt to make my ideas seem buffoonery, but i agreed to do it anyway because i didn't think you would succeed at it, and you didn't. >> you think we didn't succeed at it? >> absolutely. that's because you did it yourself. >> well, you can say that if you like, but i don't

>> i told him let me tell you something, my wife, the first lady of minnesota doesn't give a rat's ass about football. you are telling me you can't charge your fans but you can go to these people and reach in their wallet and make them pay so you get a new stadium? i said don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. >> it would take two more governors, a new team owner and odecade and a half before the vievikings would get their own stadium. >> much more patience than an individual politician or an individual taxpayer. the team kept waiting and kept offering and demanding and requesting and eventually did get their stadium subsidy through. >> for his part, ventura recalls the pressure he felt to build the new stadium. >> the real pressure comes from yourself because it's your legacy. any governor or high ranking elected official if a team does leave, well that will be your legacy. the only good thing for jesse ventura was, i didn't give a damn. i went there to serve. i'm not a career politician. i did the best job for people who elected me and the nfl didn't elect me. >> the n

(bleep)ing ass! we'll be right back. i am rich. on the grounds of my estate, i hob nob with the glitterati and play equestrian sports. out on the veranda, we enjoy finger sandwiches and other assorted dainties. i wear nothing less than the finest designer footwear. wherever i go, the paparazzi capture my every move. yes, i am rich. that's why i drink the champagne of beers. oh, thank you,i like your place. make yourself at home i'll be right back. hm. she's got x1. alright. huh, hm, ohh... monster? she seemed so nice at dinner. i'm back! ahh! uhh... whatcha doing? ohh, just... watchin' law & order. awww, you're nervous. that's so cute. call and upgrade to get x1 today. ♪ (cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back. now, as you know, i am the proud new owner of a superpac which sounded great at first. practically unlimited money to spend however i wanted. then i saw something on morning joe that, well, frankly scared me. >> superpacs have to be entirely separate from a campaign and a candidate. i'm not allowed to communicate with a

either way, you're the ass[...]. it's what i do. ♪ i'm telling you now, baby

i mean, somehow that not akin to wiping your ass with the shroud of turin? i mean really. (laughter) that's a rhetorical question obviously. now, who cares if the story is true or what it actually means? the important thing is is to allow this heathen governor to defile a sacred ritual... ritual ritual. i don't even know what i was combining that word with. to allow him to defile a sacred ritual. (laughter) it's to imperil our nation's very founding principles. >> why do these pilgrims brave incredibly difficult conditions to live here, die here and to try to start a new way of life for theptses? >> religious freedom for everyone. >> religious freedom. >> and now it's on the rocks. >> jon: yes. yes, lady wearing cross on television. (laughter) religious freedom is on the rocks! the rocks! of course, not as on the rocks as it was in the 17th century when your friends the pilgrims outlawed christmas celebrations as a sacrilege and declared gifts and christmas decorations satan cal, levying a five-shilling fine on anyone for saying merry christmas. five shillings. i mean, in

. >> you can shove anything up yourçóçó ass -- >> i don't think it matters that much to kids.in a room and let them play, they are going to figure it out and some boys, the boys are going to do boys stuff and girls are going to do -- some of it is hard wired into us, you know that --. >> over the years like the easy bake ovens girls are supposed to cook, who put that in your section, if uh you want to (bleep) boys are supposed to be architect, look at the building over here, there is subtle messaging has been in the culture for a long time. >> is it the culture or dna? i mean, women like nesting, right so you generally have women --. >> wow. >> yes. it is true. >> i don't care if they get mad. it is true. i haven't had my boy say, yo, let's go to ikea. >> women say go to ikea and buy what they want and then as a man you get home and you are expected to know how to put that (bleep) together. >> yeah. >> and that's when you run into trouble. >> how can a kid explain gender? >> you are talking about where they started kids and where they grow up. >> if they did more engineering s

even though he was probably talking out of his ass.really didn't understand the type of person that i am and where i've been and the thought process that i've learned in here. and he's dead now for it. it's kind of like a kill or be killed. >> estrada's prison education started early. >> how old were you when you were first arrested? >> when i first -- about 13, 14. >> what did you do? >> stealing a stereo out of a car. that's how it all began. start out stealing bubble gum at the stores, all the way to snatching purses, stealing car stereos, stealing bikes. stealing the whole car, breaking in houses, robberies, escape, just graduated all the way to murder. seemed like it was a never-ending chain. >> estrada added more links to that chain. when he returned to prison on the murder charge, he was involved in another killing. >> another inmate came up behind a friend of mine and stabbed him in the eye. i got up, he tried to come stab me, i grabbed him and i held him in a choke hold. my friend started hitting him, beating him up. all the o

you are going to go to somebody's ass. somebody's ass if they punch you in the nose and you see your nose bleed. if you minding your business -- okay, and that's what i felt like i had to do. >> finally, as jennifer is escorted out of the building, her hopes of seeing danica seem like they're about to come true. >> the grounds are now restricted. the grounds are now restricted. all unassigned inmates report to your dorms. >> but with the yard shut down for the day, jennifer can only call out to danica's cellblock in hope that she might be seen or heard. >> i love you! >> the future of any prison relationship is uncertain and especially so for jennifer and danica. jennifer, serving time for drug offenses, was due to be released within a matter of months. danica, in for robbery, was still facing three to five more years. >> we plan to be together for the rest of our life. those are our plans. >> i'm going to stick by her, no doubt. it may sound crazy, but i will probably end up even coming back. >> the reality is that she co

and that particular thing, i froze my ass off doing that. jon stewart: did you really?shot in the wintertime? that was shot, yeah, just about a month, a month and a half ago. we were out-- hudson river-- jon stewart: were you leo or were you kate? what? were you leo or were you kate in that? i-- you know, i am like the only guy in america who's never seen that movie. really? well, 'cause you know, i figure, you know if nine billion people go to see a movie, they don't need me. jon stewart: they don't need your money. they don't need me. jon stewart: yeah, i haven't seen it either. and also, i kind of thought, well, like how many people died on that boat? like, couple thousand? jon stewart: 12. does anyone know? like a lot of people, right? so now we're worried about these two. jon stewart: right. exactly. and there's got to be some other people. it's like they're dying-- jon stewart: i heard they are going to do-- they're gonna do a sequel. what-- what's it-- come on. i don't-- i don't have a joke there. i literally heard they were gonna do a sequel. i don't-- that's ho

up and drag our asses out.s very frustrating. i'm trying to make sense about why it escalated. what's the conflict? is it black/white? some of it to me was man cop/woman driver. (cheers and applause) i'll be honest with you. when he kept saying, what's wrong? you okay? you having a bad day? (overlapping talking) >> ever ask a woman what's wrong? (laughter) and after that, whatever you do, don't ever tell her you look aggravated. (laughter) >> let's be clear. there's the intersection of race, gender and class, and with him power. (applause) >> larry: here's what i want to ask you. you're a former cop, right? malcolm talks about the escalation moment. he talks about it brilliantly. and that's why you have training so you can handle when your heart's going fast and all that stuff. it looked to me like there was no training involved, because he provoked at every escalation point. that's what i was trying to -- every escalation point, he could have brought it down, but he pushed it further. >> there was the moment t

and if you don't agree, then you're a -- ♪ don't stop believing [ applause ] >> seth: ass [ bleep ].t off i was gonna say you're an ass [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] well, now i'm sorry i had to do that, but sometimes -- woah, hold on. i forgot. sometimes it's grumpy old gus. got to get some grown ass gripes to grunt. [ light laughter ] this has been back in my day, we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] digiorno? or delivery? ♪ digiorno? or delivery? taste for yourself why the shortest distance between you and a delicious, fresh-baked pizza, is your oven. thankfully, it's not delivery. it's digiorno. thankfully, it's not delivery. ayou can use the phone you already have. and keep your network and number, too. for up to half the cost, only on the bring your own phone plan. now get unlimited talk and text plus 5gb of high-speed data, for $50 a month. net10 wireless. the world's first degree motionsense... anti-perspirant with unique microcapsules, activated by movement, that release bursts of freshness all day. motionsense. protection to kee

brokaw interviewed by jack ass. >> nailed it! >> the "daily show" became a destination for people who had serious political ambitions. and that, i think, was the amazing thing. that's a tribute to jon and the intelligence of the writers on the show. >> he has one of the largest followings and viewerships in america. if you want votes, or ticket buyers, or people to buy your book, or whatever it is that you are trying to get to a mass base, he has a dependable a mass base. he went from being interesting to hot to unavoidable. >> stewart is not only admired by his fans, but by his peers as well. >> jon knows his stuff. he doesn't go into an interview not knowing his stuff. >> jon actually read all of the authors' books he had on the show, which is crazy. he reads a book like people look through menus or pamphlets. >> i remember going on the "daily show" when my book came out. i wrote a book called "drift" on national security issues. >> you appear to have invested a great deal of research in this. >> i just treated it like a second