. >> skinny ass chicken legs anywhere, man. those are the same legs you had in the [ bleep ] movie. >> hey, hey, hey, take it down a notch. put the camera away. just put the camera down. >> i'm tired of this [ bleep ]. >> how does that feel, huh? here we go. take a look at your legs. what are you bothering me for? >> jimmy: humiliating. we'll find out more about what happened there when ralph and his video "paparrazzi," jb smoove, join me later in tonight's show. >> hey, jimmy? >> jimmy: yes, guillermo? >> the runtones really work. let me show you. >> jimmy: amazing, but why are you wearing only one? >> i dont know. i guess i don't want to be greedy. >> jimmy: yeah, greedy. >> dicky: reebok runtones. balance ball inspired technology that lets you get stronger legs with every step. no more chicken legs. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with jon hamm, jb smoove, ralph macchio, music from runner runner. and jake byrd visits lindsay lohan. and jake byrd visits lindsay lohan. we'll be right back. it ends so they

i will give my ass up and like it. i would be inspired. i may value peace, but will not use a pen to unleash my anger. i am not a poet. i am not dying. weight loss can still be a choice. i am not a poet. i don't care much for. i don't spend me weekends read anything writing. i like to have cocktails but i do not have a drinking problem regardless of what state i wake up in. i don't need drugs to open up my imagination. i am not a poet. i can tolerate half an hour of spoken word poetry. what my cats are up to. i always carry my business cards. i am not a poet, i only write to masture bait my mind. i am trying to convince myself that poetry it save lives. it's the dust of art. and i am going to close with to poet. americano. i look at myself in the mirror. trying to figure out what makes me an american. i see chickens. practicing religions without a roof. i see my own blood. proud american blue genes labels. i see them sits outside with the eyes of an alley cat. i see myself trying to be more like james dean. i see carlos san tanna. more tha

that little boy kicks ass, you hear me? think about trying -- >> i'm not. >> have you seen the movie poster for that kid? the kid make a straight "l" out of his whole body. you know how easy he can kick joe pesci in the face? come on, man. are you kidding me? [ applause ] he will kick anybody -- all your movies, any movie you've done, he will kick anybody's ass. >> i buy that. >> that kid is tough. he'll go from karatee kid straight into "my cousin vinny." and kick everybody's ass. marisa tomei -- >> jimmy: i don't know about tomei. i think she can take him down. >> that little boy is tough. he's flexible. >> jimmy: let me tell you something, he's no ralph macchio. i will say that. [ applause ] >> come on, jimmy. >> jimmy: only one karate kid. >> jimmy, come on. dark alley, macchio's coming through the alley, jaden is coming the other way. who wins the fight? come on, man. >> i don't know about that. >> jimmy: i don't know. i think -- i'm going with macchio. no question about it. >> i think he's right. >> jimmy: give him si

my vagina tears to my ass. but i don't care. dana puts the baby on my chest. the cord is still attached. i am still shaking. the baby's eyes are wide open. i cry, the baby cries. i have a baby. it's a girl. [applause] that was wonderful. that was really great. don't you all want to be her best friend name. emanuel, queer spoken word poetry. pbs's in the life. an online journal. he's the author of the year poetry. as well as his first spoken word. it's a recipient of the masha a gomez award. please welcome manual xavier. >> hello. okay. there we go. how are you doing? first of all, thank you so much. it's such a great pleasure to be back in san francisco. i love this city and it's always a pleasure to be here. i want to thank mishell t. one is new. it will give you a back story. a few years ago, i had been attacked on the streets of brooklyn. i am deaf in my left ear. >> sitting on the l, i was made a wear, my voice of louder. he didn't know about the hearing loss in one here. i remained silent. i didn't turn around to expose the scar on the back of my head. so

>> gets a lot of special space invasion for "jack ass 3."ell us what's going on in this picture. i looked at this for a long time today. this is you on a jet ski. but the thing is, there's no real water anywhere around. >> yeah. and you know what, there wasn't water where i landed. >> jimmy: oh. so you just landed -- what did you land on? >> just the hard ground. >> jimmy: these are -- >>treats us right for "jack ass." >> jimmy: you're going to have a lot of trouble, like, when your song son's talking in class. >> stunts are good. >> jimmy: a pioneer in bmx biking. and maybe the only person that has been hurt more than you -- i mean, really, this guy has been -- >> he's been hurt more than anyone i have ever known. he is our evel knievel. he's had way over 23 surgeries. had over 100 concussions. you know, troy aikman retired after seven concussions. matt's had over 100. >> jimmy: that's -- yeah, that's more. >> and he doesn't want to stop. he loves -- >> jimmy: he loves concussions? >> no, no, just -- >> jimmy: at a certain point -- >> fortu

i am up there working my ass off and they are sitting down there with their press on nails. tough crowd. they say they like the mens, he drew out the last. but they don't like the mens like the mens. they don't tip as good either. he came to the bed until we came his naked book ends. he laid there for a while. be well my brothers. he said at the door. [applause] >> foreign language speaking. [applause]. >> foreign language speaking. [applause]. >> foreign language speaking. [applause]. >> foreign language speaking.

eventually the oil drive will be a magnificent new roadway but tonight it is going to be an ass. we'll give you and look coming up. we have of lane change to tell you about until dry. the north and southbound lanes have been reduced to one lane in each direction now. it will last until 8:00 a.m. and will be torn out all transport will be shipped crating it deters. they're being asked to avoid the turmoil dry. it is what the traffic is moving fairly well. headlights into san francisco it had lights into northern county. the free ride is over and starting today or rather monday , carpoolers need to have the fast track to get over the golden gate bridge. that means they will no longer be able to pay the cash. i >> monday you have that pass track or you are going to pay the full toll. the only difference now is that you have fast track and it costs you three bucks. com monday you do have that the fast-track so >> get the fast track. they will confirm that there are three more people in the car. >> now here's stanley roberts with people behaving badly.. >> everything i am about to sho

inspired the corrections officers, the people with badges that make $150,000 a year -- inspire their asses. [applause] i am all for the union. i do not like their union. what you do is you rehire people back as correctional workers. what happens is in a state of california, where somebody needs help because they contradict or alcoholic or have a bad temper and they are going to be of their wife or sexually assault her stepdaughter -- whatever their problem is, let's do something about crime before they commit the crimes. they have this urge to do something illegal. they call the police and say, "i need help. i'm drug addicted. an alcoholic. please help me." right? they are directed to this treatment center where they can voluntary commit themselves for three to six months. they will do a workshop -- workup on their health. they need a health care assessment, and social work assessment, they have three to six months in which they work within 24/72 upgrade their behavior is and abilities rather than wait for them to commit a crime and then send them to prison, right? we call these residentia

you were kind of the michael jordan of ass grab. >> i got the gold stars, you know. >> jimmy: yeah.do now? do you sit around at home and watch television or what? >> no, i've been super busy, man. really excited. >> jimmy: you're still having sex, right? i mean -- i hope that hasn't slowed down. >> stop it. you guys. >> jimmy: you just -- you just shot a movie with tom hanks, i heard. >> yeah, yeah. i just finished. >> jimmy: he's very good. >> yeah, he's very good. yeah, he does pretty well. no, i did this awesome movie with tom hanks and julia roberts and very excited. i kind of went back to comedy with that and it was a really good time. and it was fun. >> jimmy: did you have to have a meeting with tom and be, like, kind of selected by him? >> yeah, well -- it was really funny, because i got a phone call says, congratulations, you're in, and i said, amazing, to work with an icon like that is incredible. then they called me, wants to have a meeting with you. the whole time you're meeting with him you're like, tom hanks, tom hanks, that's tom hanks, tom hanks! but then i went over

so, we moved to an all white neighborhood and the white people kicked our asses.i went home to my mother, and i said, "who are these ns? we need to stay away from them, because they ain't go good." [ laughter ] and she said, "that's what people like us call people that look like you." and i was like, "well, i don't like that." and then i finally moved to an integrated neighborhood, and i got chased by some white guys that ran behind these really big black dudes, and the white guys ran the other way, i have been black ever since. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there you go. tommy is at caroline's this weekend, july 29th through august 1st. "i am comic" is out on dvd this fall. tommy davidson, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] dierks bentley performs next. come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ female announcer ] jobs leaving. a budget disaster. california on the brink. jerry brown's plan? you run for office and the assumption is, oh, i know what to do. you don't. i didn't have a plan for california. [ female announcer ] with our state in crisis, we need a go

i'll knock you on your ass. >> reporter: you said that to johnny carson. >> outright. >> reporter: later on sunday morning, visiting las vegas with mr. las vegas. >> osgood: don't need to go to las vegas to see the driving divas we'll be showing you this morning. you can find them just about anywhere, occasionally in the company of our rita braver. >> reporter: more women are riding motorcycles than ever before. joining a generation that's been at it for years. including 5-year-old gloria struck. what made you go into it? >> i didn't want to. my brother made me. >> reporter: later on sunday morning, they say any woman can ride a motorcycle. right? >> osgood: many are the celebritys who have written their life stories in their own words. few, however, have foreseen that their words would be used in the way our mo rocca will show us. >> good morning. i'm joan lunden. >> my life. by bert reynolds. >> reporter: they're some of the greatest stories ever told. >> even a fool can understand what i am talking about. >> but we loved god. how we loved. >> reporter: now they're being performed on s

somos lo que más trabajamos y somos los que no podemos tener ass hijos en nifd >>> reflejan ello losnomía pro preocupa un 89% >>> lo que pasa real st para este profesor y a un lista la xenofobia y falta de preparación debilita a la comunidad hispana >>> la esperanza que pudo tener un latín en cierto medida hay que trabajar más duro para que conservar el trabajo que un tiene y está haciendo muy difícil conseguir un empleo >>> es que solo un 14% de los encuestado tiene nivel universitario >>> la gente que tiene estudios no se deja humillar de nadie >>> no se deja rebajar de nadie. nos hacen mucha falta estudios. mucha. reporte de alex roland >>> en seguida >>> muchos inmigrantes que buscan el sueñ americanos viven una pesadilla a pesar que trabajar legalmente en el país >>> por qué al regresar. a --los inmigrantes llegan a este pÍs en busca de un mejor futuro. y mientras muchos pueden hacerlo los inmigrante llegan ae país en busca de un mejor futuro >>> y otras arriesgan todos para alcanzar su anhelos nuincluso l vida >>> la mayoría permanece aquí con el sueño d knz alcanzar una vida m

i climb on his ass every time i can because that's my job to keep him honest and push him more to theetty successful first term.

i climb on his ass every time i can because that's my job to keep him honest and push him more to thecessful first term. it's only half over. and i think they can run on that. t

i wouldn't see his ass again until the next afternoon. twoshgs johnnie.ee my cousin john edwards volunteered for possession every week. he was certified. ex exor citizenim did nothing. colt 45, crazy horse they demand the sacrifices in blood so bottles would go to the couch friday night. walls kicked until straight jackets lay waiting on the lawn. mama would site visions of gang boys with metal vent as if it explained anything. it didn't between dusk from the and dawn saturday he was ready to blow the -- up. do you want some of this? oh , no, yes oh , no or yes , i will be damn, i will be damn, i will be damn. [applause] >> this is called someone else's child. and i guess it's a sort of an imagined conversation with a took place in a real moment in my father's hospital room in a matter of weeks before he died. my father is my foster father and there was always in my life this level of awkwardness because i was not biologically his own son. and he and i never got to have the conversation that i imagined here on page in this piece. so, there is a lot of tru

remaining ten spawns will be filled following the american asian finals i'd like to spain's of no lovin ass who skilled in money time wrestling his b. treat could be his ticket to a professional career was hard. because i'm fighting and playing every day that i want to have no money for for myself. for every day of the night. when you want your job. or my. d.t. in. my foot. to say that. to find different way catch agrees ranging from middle to heavy weights of the school which combines a number of different disciplines ranging from judith karate was grooming the phenomenal pace of the last few years and now is able to rival the likes of both seeking professional wrestling in terms of popularity. i did see what i did very. well morning morning why. why why why. why did everyone watch. russia has some of the old strongest mixed martial arts. and with the country taking flying places of the grand final it's a distinct possibility one of them if not me could go on to rival the substantial loss came from. richard pombo three don't see. and finally spain may be the world cup champions for the fir

ass so as save our souls this plea was seen on every house on every street in those back neighborhoods of southern kyrgyzstan a cry for mercy. more violence. to protect ourselves with so we had to write everywhere but it didn't help at all places were. neighbors for centuries in just a matter of days the congress and those backs turned into each others worse than a mess they didn't just kill. they did it in the ad least of waste standing there trousers were taken off each one of them has a stick and he's backside they're not humans they're animals. muslims believe those killed during friday prayers will go straight to haven't but it offers little solace to the family. in the year old bob or mohammad a was returning from a mosque when a kurd is mob surrounded him. a russian citizen he came to kyrgyzstan to see his relatives. they still haven't found enough courage to tell his mother what happened i mean you need god then you have the we never. backs we're all muslims. in freight don't they have parents mothers. what do they want. men in his village blocked all roads in and out of the se

louis oosthuizen, a tremendo ass family in raising the claret jug.rican that comes on top no less than nelson mandela's 82nd birthday. >>> and bottom of the ninth, 6-5, bases loaded for young when you were young. off of sergio santos, alex rios overthrows the cutoff cuddyer scores. and they get the walk-off win. 7-6, the final. that does the sports update. >>> in germany, a huge party on the most famous road on the auto bon. >> each fan got to sit at a giant table actually made up of 20,000 individual tables. >>> coming up next, the stories we're following, including the latest from the gulf of mexico. ernor rob blagojevich set to get under way today. >>> now, a look ahead to the stories we'll be watching on this monday. engineers have detected new seepage near the blownout oil well in the gulf of mexico and that is raising new concerns about the viability of that newly installed containment cap. the government i bp t asking bp submit a full report by tonight. >>> hoping to win over a skeptical pakistani public, secretary of state hillary clinton has

within that first hour my swag my scientific wild ass guess was that four thousand pounds of anfo wassed very simple combination of ammonium nitrate fertilizer and diesel fuel oil but one of the good breaks was that within minutes jim norman who was an f.b.i. bomb tech in oklahoma city heard the blast saw the blast got his car and drove down and as he's running up to the murder bill hear someone calling his name and it turns out to be a fireman and he shows him a rear axle with a differential housing and says this looks like it was probably part of the vehicle bomb struck a fortune also on that on the differential housing is a matrix number which identifies that make model year and owner of that vehicle turns out it was another ryder truck and was rented out of junction city kansas by a fellow with the name of robert cloying. playing turned out to be an alias but f.b.i. agents detailed photo fit and appealed for information on t.v. . and we got a call from the dreamland motel in kansas who said they stayed here. by cross referencing calls made from the room and criminal records the f.

th of "ass edition of "assignment 7". i'm terry mcsweeney.for joining us. >>> next at 5:00, the bomb squad is called out to interstate 580 in oakland following a shootout between a suspect and chp officers. officers. >> join us for abc-7 news ♪ welcome to ultimate rewards from chase. no blackouts, no restrictions on airfare and hotels, no limits to what you can get with ultimate rewards. no wonder it's called ultimate. available on chase credit, debit, and business cards. chase what matters.

i'm on my bike, busting my ass six hours a day. >> reporter: his image, his comeback, his cancer foundation, is the stuff of movies. off the bike, armstrong is a pitchman for everything from cars to beer. but most importantly, to thousands of cancer patients, lance armstrong lives. his trademark livestrong is literally a word to live by for cancer survivor s the world ove. he gives so much hope to so many people, they travel thousands of miles just to see him. just to see the man who beat cancer, got back on his bike and beat the toughest race on earth. >> i've seen him progress and go through cancer, win the tour de france seven times. many people will say he's the most phenomenal comeback in cycling history. >> reporter: during the time he was fighting cancer, before he'd won a tour de france, his teammate and friend frankie andrei ewe went to hvisit him i the hospital. frankie's wife was there, too, and said that's where she heard something that shocked her. [ male announcer ] this, our newest son, was imagined, drawn, carved, stamped, hewn, and forged here in america. it is well made, a

he said that would be a half- assed move and it could hurt further chances for something bigger. are you concerned about that or concerned about the votes? >> i have certainly heard that point of view, but i think it is misguided. my experience in the senate is you need to do what you can do when you can do it if you want to make progress. if we can get the support, which i think we can become a bipartisan support, to pass renewable electricity standards, to strengthen our ability to build out a national grid, substantially increase efficiency -- increase efficiency with appliances, set up a clean energy deployment administration to help finance renewable energy projects, if we could do all that, we ought to do it. the issue of what to do about capping and reducing greenhouse gas emissions is one we need to come to grips with. i am ready to support efforts to do it right now as part of this larger package. if we do not have enough senators ready to do it, we need to do what we can do and keep working to do it as we move ahead. >> your committee yesterday passed legislation aimed

driver gets up and gives a very highly articulate and persuasive speech, at the end of which some smart ass reporter, probably a science writer for the chronicle, asks a very erudite complex technical question. the speaker looks at him and says, that's the dumbest question i have ever heard. and the answer is so simple, i'm going to ask my driver to explain it to you. so in today's play, leslie lako plays the role of the driver. i think we have to acknowledge that the members of the public are at quite different stages in their understanding of climate change and how to deal with it. and i think some of these different stages involve first those who are simply ignorant of the issue. they just don't know a thing about it. now, fortunately i know we don't have anyone here in that category. there's also a group of people who are simply unwilling to listen because al gore is the main messenger. their view, and i think there's a few of them in the bay area, but i do know some, their view is, i didn't vote for him so he has to be wrong. i think there are others that are convinced because al gore

craig: i knew i would win him around with the old ass. never fails. oh, geoff, my clothes are tight and it's raining. geoff: sorry, that's not in my contract, craig. craig: we've got to go. good night, everybody. captioned by the national captioning institute captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org-- 100% natural nuts and granola in bite sized clusters. it's a little bit of nature... a little bit better. and nature approves. granola nut clusters from nature valley. the taste nature intended. but this is warm, fresh-baked strawberry toaster strudel. [ music ] see the difference? pillsbury toaster strudel, the one kids want to eat. swimming is♪ y favorite thing. and only two things can get me out of the water. pruned toes... ♪ and totino's. ♪ we're the kids in america (announcer) we all want to stay active. we don't want anything... ...to slow us down. but even in your 30s... ...your bones can begin to change. overtime, you can begin to have bone loss. calcium and vitamin d work together to help keep your bones strong. and yoplai

around the world introduce your technique i think the world is encouraging adults to be pardon me tight assed and. there's this idea that you when you grow up you want to be serious even though there's no scientific proof that being serious is ever good for you i think that as you join the adult world there's a. an invitation to hierarchy to where the doctor at the top of the hierarchy has a position of power humor is a hierarchy killer and there's nothing that lowers the hierarchy quicker than humor and so i think that that this is. to preserve this power over that is so prevalent in the world that humor is pushed down to the circus and they want it out of i would like to say that i had a one of the first times i was in a russian hospital i was in a poor hospital that had no pain medicine and. in the u.s. hospital they have pain medicine so i never experiment having a patient who needs pain medicine like bone metastases that you're not going to say well let's not put this patient on pain medicine so we can try humor but i remember walking into the room of a six or seven year old boy who had

. >> going to come and beat her ass. >> and if you come near my daughter, guess what?sequences will never be the same. as a father, i was just trying to support my daughter and get people to stop hating. >> to respond to someone who bullies you is totally counterproductive because it incites your bully or other bullies to bully you even more. >> reporter: now the videos have sonned a series of parodies. >> consequences will never be the same. >> reporter: there's t-shirts and mugs for sale with some of her father's now infamous phrases, like, consequences will never be the same, and, you dun goofed. but the family says it's no but the family says it's no joke. claiming to receive dozens of threatening phone calls and e-mails every day. >> when this first started, we were very afraid. >> i've been getting a lot of death threats. >> online people accuse me of molesting my daughter. >> reporter: an investigation is now under way by florida police who released this statement, saying, our detectives are looking into what could amount to a cyber stalking or cyber bullies cas

at another point, he said he was looking for -- >> whose ass to kick. >> reporter: that is a direct quoted i agree it is important bp does those things. >> reporter: did you have any differenceses with him on this? >> i'm interested in not making this a u.s./uk issue. it shouldn't be. bp has 39% of its shareholders, i think in the u.s., 40% in the uk. it's balanced. what matters is dealing with the issue. and the issue is the spill in the gulf. the need to cap the well. the need to make the payments. rather than get into a war of words. i don't want to do that. >> reporter: afghanistan. >> yeah. >> reporter: are the international forces winning? >> i think we're making progress. are we losing too many lives there, yes. i would say that's the case. >> reporter: 321, perhaps more, fatalities, among british troops and we have seen those incredible scenes of the hearses in the village streets with the veterans saluting them as they go by. >> well, it is, by far, i mean, by a million miles, the biggest responsibility, the biggest challenge that i feel that i have responsibility for what happen

federation and the people's republic of china has signed a contract for the licensed production of ass-u. twenty seven in china. is. and you do some contract with russia wants to supply ports for certain number of points but will china wants to manufacture a certain number of fear prattles that would in the deal also included some other provisions the possibility of more not a single year craft them developing these program further who could make honestly we do have some questions concerning the way disagreement is being implemented but it's the russian chinese commission for military technical cooperation is looking into these matters so i will soon work out a mutually acceptable solution as a regards were attempting our intellectual property and developing this project further but the only one so you do have questions about this i crossed so it's not clear what it's a violation of and lois had to figure that out but we do have questions and we have to discuss this matter in detail with all partners which is what our agencies and experts on both sides are doing now. which. you've mentio

with universidad truly in that first leg defender rafael a lot and given the way side the lead at the ass texas stadium but the home fans were in silence for a long. lasting an equaliser moments later ten legs in santiago said well it's not like there's an intense international inside paolo played there for the sake of this. another bit of footballing news maraton is right as argentina coach is coming to an end the country's football association voting unanimously not to renew his contract he's been in charge for twenty one months on the forty nine year old had led argentina to the quarterfinals in the world cup where they were beaten by germany after that donna said. as coach but only if he was allowed to keep his entire backroom staff that was a sticking point for his bosses who want to trash the system. the manager seizure of the key staff will be interim coach for the friendly against ireland in dublin next month possible long term successes into the studio a one hundred percent there are so of racing in. the lobby for delegation has been interested in during the three day evaluation

[laughter] all right, well, bill will probably post that on his website wwwi-don't-give-a-rat's-ass-wha t-you-think. well, we're done the show is over. i'm a bid worried. 17 years until that asteroid. i had -- 170 years until that asteroid. i had better go and pack.,, ♪ [ male announcer ] nature valley sweet & salty nut bars... they're made from whole roasted nuts and dipped in creamy peanut butter... ♪ ...making your craving for a sweet & salty bar... ♪ ...irresistible. by nature valley. ♪ i even bought her a computer with my new citi forward card. then one day... have you seen this? she "friended" me. there's a whole album. [ laughs ] [ groans ] and started posting pictures. ♪ and tagging me. publicly. [ male announcer ] you ought to be rewarded for being dependable. the citi forward card gives you extra points for paying your bill on time and staying within your credit limit. [ woman ] nice tights. what's your story? the citi forward card can help you write it. how'd you do that? do what? it tastes too good to be fiber. you made it taste like chocolate. it has 35% of your daily value

well but here they set the rules and everyone else watches on trying to appear in behind the tentacle ass of their motorcades. catch our t.v. moscow. well that brings you up to date. america's lack of success in military campaigns that have cost thousands of lives and billions of dollars and hold its reputation as a role model for the mocker see well that's according to one outspoken american rap artist who believes the country's image is just a facade a special interview coming up shortly here. not that long ago. most. embrace their new popular president. problem which would make you stop. for some people. has worn away. the general c.e.o. of rap duo smith and wesson is among the few cutting against the grain in confronting issues like social injustice and government corruption. and they were one of. the brooklyn born rapper sat down with our team to discuss his new album america's nightmare part two children of war for centuries. people have known that the president has been the face of the corporation called america united states. when we start dealing with the reality in. this great p