>> well, you know, else beth kublor ross did these things called the four stages of death or dyeing. i actuallity there are six. we have been watching ourselves go through these back and forth now for several months. i think the first state is shock and for us the shock still happens, but for at least the first month, i kept waiting for matthew to come in the door. go. when is my son going to walk in? i couldn't believe it happened. it was so sudden. then you move from shock to sorrow, sadness and this profound sadness that comes into your life. then you move to what i call struggle. that's why questions, why now? why me? why matthew? and all that struggle. then you move to a stage i call surrender. i wrote in my journal one day, i later tweeted and and said i'd rather have all my questions unanswered and walk with god than not walk with god and have all my questions answered. there is a struggle and you have to surrender and say i'm not going to know all these answers. then you move to sanksification, which is the change in you and service. god wants us to use our hurt. one of the r