- i got a [bleep] cramp. - get the [bleep] out of here. - no, [bleep]. - oh, [bleep]. - aah! out. - what do you mean? - pull the leg. - is that good? - oh, that's a mother[bleep]. >> june 15, 2011. from comedy central world's news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. big one tonight. oh, yeah, baby. that's right, jon stewart, host of "the daily show" in 2011. and yet i've been in the business for over 20 years, so there are other things that i've done that you could mention. [laughter] when i was younger. [cheering and applause] i feel like the audience tonight just looked me up on wikipedia. when they're asking me questions. you were in elmo palooza 2002. on the show tonight, trey parker and matt stone. no, no! you know what, matt stone and trey parker are on the show. that's right. it ends tonight. earlier this week, earlier this week whilst republican candidates sparred over who best could even slightly delay th

bleep. [bleeped]. >> jon: it was like 80 times in that episode. you remember the hull ba loo that happened on your first episode, [bleeped], to see how many times you could say it. how many times was it by the way? >> 164. >> i had 162. >> 160 something. >> jon: 160 something, because we used to have a rule on this show, comedy central, nothing but supportive to us, that you could say dildo three times but not four. [laughter] >> four dildos is disgusting. that's just vulgar. >> jon: you say it three times and your audience is disgusted. the fourth time they cancel their cable package. i think that's what the research shows. now i think it's because they air us like at breakfast or in schools. >> educational. >> what happened was i was watching tnt after a basketball game, and some crappy cop show was on, and they said [bleeped]. and i was like, there's in bleep. i was like, waits a second, i had our executive producer call and say, it's weird that we bleep, can we just say [bleeped]. it's n

who the [bleeped] do you think you are? [spoken with italian accent] why don't you beat it with a crying goat on liberty island, you son of a bimp. you son of a bitch. watch and learn. watch and learn, for god's sake. watch and [bleeped] learn. [cheers and applause] you ogre. you fold it and you eat it. one hand. you have the other hand free, power aw2bopepper. maybe you give it to your friend. it's delicious, yeah, yeah. take care of that. all right. very nice. or maybe you just use your other hand to take an irresponsible amount of napkin, dab it on. there and maybe a few minutes later you just throw them the [bleeped] out. you just throw them out. or you leave them on the table and say, you want a tip, here's your [bleeped] tip. what do i look like, a [bleeped] bus boy? no disrespect. actually, i was a bus boy. my point is this: [laughter] [cheers and applause] donald, i'm going to tell you a story. i'm going to tell you a story, donald trump, my grandparents immigrated to this country. my gann fare worked as a taxi dri

just not giving it up for [bleeped] nothing."t's actually quite succinct. but rod blah... [stumbles over name], his before-and-after reangsts are but small part of what's truly astonishing thing about this story. the truly astonishing part of this story is rod blagojevich is the fourth out of the last seven electedded governors of illinois to be convicted of a felony. four out of the last seven. 57%. if you were an individual in illinois, you would have a better chance of avoiding jail by flipping a coin, heads being jail, tails being no jail, than by being elected governor of illinois. let's say you're the present governor of illinois and you're in a room with a former governor of illinois on your right and a former governor of illinois on your left. chances are the room you're in is jail. [cheering and applause] for more we go live to john oliver. he joins us from the gates of the federal prison in marion, illinois. john oliver, tell us a little bit... [cheering and applause] i'm sorry. tell us a little bit about the prison wor

(bleep). >> jon: yup. we better hurry up and (bleep) because i am bleeding out mother (bleep). (laughter). >> jon, talk to this, he can swab himself down. you're fine, you're fine. (laughter) don't be so jewish about it, you're fine. (laughter) you're fine. you're fine. you're absolutely fine. it's a nick. (applause) >> jon: i should be catholic. i should turn it into a drink? (laughter) >> it was a long time ago. the point is, john, i would recommend you to grow a pair, take a picture of that pair, and text it to yourself to remind yourself what balls look like. (laughter) because you had a chance to dry your eyes, turn off your soul, and give this audience the prepubescent (bleep) jokes they waited outside in 90-degree temperatures for and you failed, jon! (cheers and applause) well, no more! no more, jon! no longer! scrub yourself down! clear eyes, dead hearts, can't lose! june 7, 2011. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause). >> jo

i solemnly promise to rip anthony weiner a new ass ( bleep ) an ( bleep ) that even he would not textcause it would be so big it won't fit within twitter's 140-character limit. that sleazy mcjewfro will get no quarter from me. ( laughter ) >> we're... we're talking about the congressman, right? >> oh, yes, yes. okay, no problem, yeah. jon, i will hound him, i will mock him until his shame is visible. a bulge straining against a fabric of his being, begging to be released. but this time, weiner, there will be no happy ending. ( laughter ) and as for you, stewart, and your vividly, visibly injured hand, that's a genuine problem, that's a genuine problem. that's... ( applause ) ( bleep ) >> jon: yup. we better hurry up and ( bleep ) because i am bleeding out, mother ( bleep ) ( laughter ) >> jon, talk to this, he can swab himself down. you're fine, you're fine. ( laughter ) don't be so jewish about it, you're fine. ( laughter ) you're fine. you're fine. you're absolutely fine. it's a nick. ( applause ) >> jon: i should be catholic. i should turn it into a drink? ( laughter ) >> it was a

don't say [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. [ bleep ].hy -- yeah, i'm from the south. [ bleep ] i tear this up. i'm talking right. i got too much sense for they stupid ass. i'm smarter than that. i'm book smart. i'm not stupid at all. too much sense. too much -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's book smart. he's pole stupid but he's book smart. [ laughter ] you know, there's been a big push lately to stop bullying in schools. you see it all over tv nowadays. bullying can be tough on kids and some parents are now getting their children plastic surgery to avoid it. "the today show" did a story about this. while the idea of plastic surgery for kids seems completely ridiculous, in cases like this, i'm not so sure it's a terrible idea. >> 17-year-old aubrey woodward is considering plastic surgery as a way to avoid bullying at school. >> i feel really self-conscious about a lot of things. like, what i'm wearing, what my hair looks like. but when you add in my ear it makes me feel really bad. >> she says her protruding ear has made her a ta

>> they keep [ bleep ] in the caboose. >> [ bleep ] you! they bang each other, the [ bleep ] lines get all tangled up and they bang into the scenery -- >> now they're going to have expanded [ bleep ] sequences. >> better than last. >> gee. it's even hard to eat a snack when there's no gravity. >> yeah. we can't do anything except [ bleep ]. [ applause ] >> jimmy: oh, snuffy. hey, on the show tonight, cedric the entertainer is here. ray kurzweil is here to tell us about the future. we have music from breathe carolina. and, when we come back, we'll going to help you find a father's day gift on craigslist, so stick around. you are the next trending topic. you are the next mayor... of this bar. you are the next most viewed. you are the next leader. you are the next breath of fresh air. you are the next sensation. ♪ when i get older i will be stronger ♪ the htc sensation 4g. instantly connecting you to just about everything. available at t-mobile. the nextec quickboost. giving you a charge in just three minutes., getting you back to work faster.

it was not as enjoyable. >> not as family [bleep [bleep]-- [bleep] oh, looks like those two are having disagreement over the use of green space. okay. don't get stabbed. let's have a picnic. i'll get my picnic basket and go on the grass over here and have fun. >> i don't think-- i don't think we can go on the grass. it's not legal. >> i'm sorry, say that again. >> i think the grass is off limits. >> oh! oh my god, that's awesome. so this park is just for show. so yay! you did it! congrat lations! beautification of the park, accomplished. >> yes, accomplished, yes. >> these gentlemen are just making sure that nothing weird happens. >> sure. >> just kind of patrolling the park. >> okay. >> oh. >> i'm sorry, no, i don't. sorry. >> do you have cigarette rolling papers. >> nobody, i don't. >> no, we don't. >> you know what else inhibits my enjoyment of the park. >> what? >> this giant undulating pile of human sorrow. i have to go home at the end of being in this park and scrub myself with a metal barbecue brush just to get all the sadness off. are you [bleep] kidding me, smoking! no matter

>> jon: horse [bleeped], yeah, yeah. so now the european banks are in trouble. >> yes, but after they bought the greek bonds, europe did something very smart. just on the off chance that the bonds that they got from greece contained horse [bleeped], they transferred the risk of these bonds to a third party using a device that could make math the risk of these transactions called credit default... >> jon: may i? swaps. >> swaps. exactly. >> jon: who was the third party? >> well, that is the beautiful thing about this. because of our inability to regulate the swaps industry, no one has any [bleeped] idea. [laughter] [applause] >> jon: maybe american banks, including the same ones who originally helped greece create these horse [bleeped] swaps? >> well, is whatlg the smart money says, or in wall street parlance, banking. >> jon: thank you very much. aasif mandvi, everybody. greece. hey, what's up? [laughter] it's me, jon. i think i know what your problem, is jon. your greek spirit is caught in a battle of duality, torn betw

don't think you can come after me you piece of (bleep).on the bookshelves now. clearly you took a lot of time and put this together. >> yeah. [laughter] >> jon: this is real -- i mean -- >> there are words in there. >> jon: right. this had to have been done at least by an intern with tape. [laughter] >> that clear tape where you don't see the edges. what it is is every friday -- if you don't mind. >> jon: please. >> i send out thank you notes. i brought them here. i'm going to read them right now. >> jon: you want to read them on the show. >> if you don't mind. >> jon: not at all. read one. ♪ you brought music. >> that's my bff of six months, stephen colbert playing the key board. >> jon: that's nice. he used to play that music for me. [laughter] >> you don't want to talk about it. >> jon: i doesn't matter. change his voice. turn his mic off. >> thank you, slow walking family walking in front of me on the sidewalk. no, please, take your time. definitely spread out to create a barricade of idiots. i'm so thankful that you force ph-d tow wal

and it just [ bleep ] over my [ bleep ] feet. you dirty little bastard.be over the next ten years you little [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: i would have done the same thing if you were going to eat me. chef gordon ramsay is here with us. mike o'malley and hanson on the way. chicken is the number one ingredient in america. indid not realize it. >> i cannot believe it [ bleep ] on my feet. i have size 15 feet. so, they are right first before i do. >> jimmy: really, size 15 feet? >> can you believe, we had a chicken? only you guys would have a chicken that actually sort of comes out on cue. >> jimmy: we have talented chickens here in the united states. when you travel around the united states, what do you think about american food? are there things that drive you crazy, things that you particularly love? focus on the drive you crazy. >> sure. are we live? >> jimmy: yeah. okay. >> you know what, breakfast astounds me. you have a three-course breakfast. and you start off with pancakes that are up here and then they are caked in syrup and spray cream and that stuff shoul

[ bleep ].to be enough [ bleep ]. >> joining us now is andrew breitbart, the man with the big [ bleep ]. andrew, good to see you. >> this is mine. >> i want to [ bleep ] you backstage. >> hey, magic, how important is jason terry to the mavs tonight? >> well, stewart, very important. >> he has never been faithful to a single woman his entire life. >> is that right? are you a serial [ bleep ]? >> no. >> music time with steve songs. ♪ i have a [ bleep ] ♪ and his name is art ♪ >> now, every weeknight, the cbs evening news with scott [ bleep ]. weeknights. [ applause ] >> jimmy: hey, we got a good show tonight. the director of the new movie "super 8," j.j. abrams is with us. we have music from friendly fires. and we'll be right back with kathy griffin. so stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ it's better when you mix things up. fuze peach mango. fruit flavors and nutrients in every bottle. ( baby giggles ) ( family cheering in background ) [ female announcer ] nutri-grain -- one good decisio

are you a serial [ bleep ]?. >> music time with steve songs. ♪ i have a [ bleep ] ♪ and his name is art ♪ >> now, every weeknight, the cbs evening news with scott [ bleep ]. weeknights. [ applause ] >> jimmy: hey, we got a good show tonight. the director of the new movie "super 8," j.j. abrams is with us. we have music from friendly fires. and we'll be back about kathy griffin, so stick around. hey man...what's that? it's my crystal ball. it looks like a snow globe. nuh-huh. it's real. here...watch! free doritos at the office today? [ crash! ] i think that's a yes! [ man ] free doritos! will i finally get that big promotion? ugh! promotion? not in your future. ugh! and those people are what i like to call wrong. take metamucil. sure it helps you keep regular, but it doesn't stop there. metamucil is the only leading fiber supplement with psyllium, which gels to help remove waste and reduce cholesterol. it can multi-multitask. it's so 2012. look at it! it's doing over a million different things right now. metamuci

and i was, like, grab [ bleep ], i didn't even grab [ bleep ]. >> here in the stadium we expect to adhere to the ten commandants and after that statement i immediately stopped conversing with him. >> the twins organization has

or you leave them on the table and say, you want a tip, here's your [bleeped] tip. what do i look like, a [bleeped] bus boy? no disrespect. actually, i was a bus boy. my point is this: [laughter] [cheers and applause] donald, i'm going to tell you a story. i'm going to tell you a story, donald trump, my grandparents immigrated to this country. my gann fare worked as a taxi driver in brooklyn. my other grandfather worked as a dry cleaner in washington heights. i do not come from successful

who the [bleeped] do you think you are? [spoken with italian accent] why don't you beat it with a crying goat on liberty island, you son of a bimp. you son of a bitch. watch and learn. watch and learn, for god's sake. watch and [bleeped] learn. [cheers and applause] you ogre. you fold it and you eat it.