. >> oh, hey, hey, hey. >> [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ] i swear, don't break my neck. [ bleep ] yeahyeah! >> etter, stop, stop. >> yeah! [ bleep ] hurt me more. >> stop banging your head. you understand? >> i'll kill you all [ bleep ] i'll kill you all [ bleep ] i'll kill you! >> etter! calm down. >> calm down. >> put him down. >> on the floor. all right. >> all right. easy. that's good. >> hurt me more. hurt me more. aah! >> stand up. and walk normal. etter, etter. >> as his fit continues, etter is taken to the suicide prevention unit for observation. >> [ bleep ] hurt me more. hurt me more. hurt me. >> etter, nobody wants to hurt you. >> why are you smashing me against the wall if you don't want to harm me, huh? >> to prevent him from harming himself, etter is placed in four-point restraints. our cameras were there the next morning within a nurse came in to check on him. >> are you feeling like you still want to hurt yourself? >> i never wanted to hurt myself. >> now, were you banging your head last night? >> yes, because i was frustrated. i do that when i'm frustrated. >> that's n

>> [ bleep ]! [ bleep ]! >> when we visited the kentucky state penitentiary, we met inmate dwayne harper, who had a long history of forcing officers to extract him from his cell. >> [ bleep ]. i fight sometimes. i argue with the guards. but i'm not violent. you know, i've done a lot of time. i've been doing time on and off since i was 12 years old. >> when we first met harper he was serving his third year in administrative segregation or solitary confinement for having assaulted correctional officers. >> in my opinion, duane is a really stressed-out individual. >> strip everybody out for talking challenge don't just strip me out for talking! strip everybody out for talking you racist old [ bleep ]! >> shortly after "lockup" arrived at kentucky state penitentiary, officers had to extract harper from his cell again. >> he threatened us with throwing feces on police officers, spitting on us through the door, he threatened our families. >> a lot of the older ones like lieutenant gill, all of them, they know me fr

oh, my gosh, [ bleep ], oh [ bleep ] [ bleep ]. >> she is literally talking about how they crashed by not paying attention, still not paying attention, therefore crashing again? >> this is why you don't tempt fate. fate has a great sense of humor. >> here's the thing, i love this woman's smile when we see she's okay. >> [ bleep ]. i can't. >> are you okay? >> i'm fine. >> this is why i like texas girls. they're kind of rough and tumble. [ bleep ]. >> they get out there and don't mind if you bang things up. meh, could be worse. >> i love this woman. i love her attitude because she did take quite a tumble but she didn't fall in and i'm glad she didn't because there might be something reptilian in the water so i'm glad they're okay. >>> be ready for your jaw to drop with shock after you see these two videos. this first one comes from mumbai, this is inside an electronics store. the man you see sitting there behind the counter sells cell phones and his customer at the moment is trying to decide which cell phone to take with him. while this is happening look who walks in the door and watch

but her eyes say [bleep] [bleep]. i'm busted. an on-camera interview like that is generally followed by, well, let's see what it is followed by. >> rachel dolezal has stepped down now as president of spokane washington's chapter of the n.a.a.c.p.. >> jon: yeah, that's usually how it goes. and so ends another uniquely bizarre segment of whaaat? unless of course somebody wants to take a singular incident, unrepresentative of any large err construct or trend and force it into the exhausting 24 hour benghazi obama phone culture war dog whistle who gives [bleep]. >> we limit the society where we subsidize identity. >> i think it's typical of liberal. >> the lib call-- liberalment in this is country is very much in this transrace kind of moment. >> eric holder says there is still pernicious racism in america, if racism was so per mi news, why would a white woman pretend to be black. >> jon: yes, yes, why would a, singular, whit person. >> you might also ask perhaps more appropriately if being black is such a sweelt deal y are millions

oh [bleep] fork! oh!ink your mother is a whore, no disrespect g home and get your [bleep] bot. >> ba da-- [bleep] keep him here, keep him here, jimmy. >> oh, i amuse. how do i amuse you, what am i, a clown, you think? what am i, a clown, is that what you think? (cheers and applause) >> thank you, guys. i really, i have to say that i really, i couldn't have asked for a better set of cost cost for my final run, you guys were amazing. >> we're going to miss you, jon. >> it will leave a big hole here. >> well, that's-- we can we talk to somebody about the title that-- all right, we'll be right back. can we just get somebody and do eye different title. do eye different title. it's the-- so you're a small business expert from at&t? yeah, give me a problem and i've got the solution. well, we have 30 years of customer records. our cloud can keep them safe and accessible anywhere. my drivers don't have time to fill out forms. tablets. keep it all digital. we're looking to double our deliveries. our fleet apps will

(cheering) >> jon: go (bleep) yourselves! go (bleep) yourselves! go (bleep) yourselves! the floor where that mic was dropped. we'll be right back. >> i'm telling you, bernie! i'm telling you, bernie! i'm telling you bernie! denny's new! fantastic four-cheese omelette is packed with crispy bacon and fresh veggies. (explosion) check please! introducing the fantastic four-cheese omelette. denny's. welcome to amercia's diner. fantastic 4, only in theaters. ♪ it's a calling. a love affair. a quest. the next horizon. everyone loves the chase. wn the bannister. ouuuh is someone cryin' cuz they can't have a cupcake? i, i didn't cry. on the inside you did. lil sweet can here that. he can? don't worry, lil sweet brought you some sweeeet zero calorie treats called diet dr peppers. oh yeaahhh. that is sweet. lil sweet defying gravity! is that lil sweet? diet dr pepper. it's the sweet one. ♪ ♪ ♪ bud light lime® in a brand new bottle. summer on. >> welcome back to news your own adventure, our coverage of your picks for best "daily show" moments. >> and no election coverage would be co

oh [bleep] fork! oh!>> i think your mother is a whore, no disrespect g home and get your [bleep] bot. >> ba da-- [bleep] keep him here, keep him here jimmy. >> oh i amuse. how do i amuse you what am i, a clown you think? what am i a clown is that what you think? (cheers and applause) >> thank you guys. i really i have to say that i really i couldn't have asked for a better set of cost cost for my final run you guys were amazing. >> we're going to miss you jon. >> it will leave a big hole here. >> well that's-- we can we talk to somebody about the title that-- all right we'll be right back. can we just get somebody and do eye different title. it's the-- t-mobile now extends your coverage beyond the borders at no extra charge. get 4g lte data, unlimited calls and texts in mexico and canada just like in the u.s. that's coverage in three countries for the price of one. only from t-mobile. ♪cheesy bites♪ ♪with new crust flavors♪ ♪flavor!♪ pizza hut's cheesy bites pizza is back with your choice of 1 of 7 crust

good home and get the (bleep) cheerios. keep them here (bleep) (bleep).e] >> jon: you wonder why i don't act in very many movies. [laughter] i can't even get the (bleep) puppets. [ laughter ] all right. what re with talking about here? what are we talking about? the grimm shady. all right. may be scawrd of high cholesterol but not the law. >>ly get right back to work as i always have. with honor and distinction i will serve and then on top of all that, i have an election to win. [ laughter ] >> jon: how can i leave when there's so much more to do? so many more restaurants i would lake to open like a salad bar called kale to the chief. or maybe for asian food, miso ♪ if you want a paint that's more than just easy to scrub. if you want a paint that actually repels dirt and grime. if you want a paint that stand's up to life's wear and tear... only this can. regal select from benjamin moore. paint like no other. ♪ ♪ ♪ hey, you know what it's going to be like if i win a chance to play with peyton manning? walk with me. we break from the huddle and i line up wi

oh [bleep] fork! oh! mother is a whore, no disrespect g home and get your [bleep] bot. >> ba da-- [bleep] keep him here, keep him here, jimmy. >> oh, i amuse. how do i amuse you, what am i, a clown, you think? what am i, a clown, is that what you think? (cheers and applause) >> thank you, guys. i really, i have to say that i really, i couldn't have asked for a better set of cost cost for my final run, you guys were amazing. >> we're going to miss you, jon. >> it will leave a big hole here. >> well, that's-- we can we talk to somebody about the title that-- all right, we'll be right back. can we just get somebody and do eye different title. do eye different title. it's the-- everyday, millions of amazing photos and videos are shot with iphone. ♪ that's because the iphone makes it easy for everyone to shoot amazing photos and video. ♪ if it's not an iphone, it's not an iphone. ♪ where you also find her. ♪ a romantic fumble at this romantic chateau ... leads to these fine humans. who you take to this eco-lod

oh [bleep] fork! oh! mother is a whore, no disrespect g home and get your [bleep] bot. >> ba da-- [bleep] keep him here, keep him here, jimmy. >> oh, i amuse. how do i amuse you, what am i, a clown, you think? what am i, a clown, is that what you think? (cheers and applause) >> thank you, guys. i really, i have to say that i really, i couldn't have asked for a better set of cost cost for my final run, you guys were amazing. >> we're going to miss you, jon. >> it will leave a big hole here. >> well, that's-- we can we talk to somebody about the title that-- all right, we'll be right back. can we just get somebody and do eye different title. it's the-- however you have fun wherever you play build the johnson & johnson first aid kit that's right for you. pick any three participating products and get a free first aid bag. be prepared. and play on. new lipton♪sparkling iced tea. refreshing tea infused with light, crisp, tiny bubbles. for a taste that lifts you up. kids, juicy fyeah.gum with starburst flavors?

(cheering) >> jon: go (bleep) yourselves! go (bleep) yourselves! go (bleep) yourselves!where that mic was dropped. we'll be right back. >> i'm telling you, bernie! i'm telling you, bernie! i'm telling you bernie! look at us... ...a nation of checkers. missing this moment... ...to check all of the other moments. really, mom? just one look. they'll never notice. checkers, you can keep failing at trying to sneak a peek. or, you can change the way you check your phone. it's 3-0 in the first. how'd you do that? magic. the samsung galaxy s6 edge, with discreet edge notifications. get $200 or more when you buy a galaxy s6 or s6 edge and trade in an eligible smartphone. scott...it's not what it looks like. come on liz, it's exactly what it looks like. i - i was - how, how, how could you do this to me? honey, i... i thought we agreed to share him? so that's what you meant by dessert! psst, scott's home early. ♪ ♪ [hero female] we're all familiar with this: axe daily fragrances which comes in a black can. but what you wouldn't have seen is this axe dry spray anti-perspirant. it go

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oh [bleep] fork! oh!k your mother is a whore, no disrespect g home and get your [bleep] bot. >> ba da-- [bleep] keep him here, keep him here, jimmy. >> oh, i amuse. how do i amuse you, what am i, a clown, you think? what am i, a clown, is that what you think? (cheers and applause) >> thank you, guys. i really, i have to say that i really, i couldn't have asked for a better set of cost cost for my final run, you guys were amazing. >> we're going to miss you, jon. >> it will leave a big hole here. >> well, that's-- we can we talk to somebody about the title that-- all right, we'll be right back. can we just get somebody and do eye different title. it's the-- shopping online... ...is as easy as it gets. wouldn't it be great if hiring plumbers, carpenters and even piano tuners... were just as simple? thanks to angie's list, now it is. start shopping online... ...from a list of top rated providers. visit angieslist.com today. irresistibly crispy bacon, of enticingly tender turkey, and deliciously rich guacamol

oh [bleep] fork! oh!other is a whore, no disrespect g home and get your [bleep] bot. >> ba da-- [bleep] keep him here, keep him here, jimmy. >> oh, i amuse. how do i amuse you, what am i, a clown, you think? what am i, a clown, is that what you think? (cheers and applause) >> thank you, guys. i really, i have to say that i really, i couldn't have asked for a better set of cost cost for my final run, you guys were amazing. >> we're going to miss you, jon. >> it will leave a big hole here. >> well, that's-- we can we talk to somebody about the title that-- all right, we'll be right back. can we just get somebody and do eye different title. it's the-- [crowd cheering] hey! what are you drinking? i'll take a redd's strawberry ale. what? redd's! i think he wants this. redd's apple ale. also in strawberry and green apple. this is♪an iphone. and it comes with something amazing: ♪ an app store with over one and a half million of the best apps available. ♪ that's over one and a half million, hand-picked, awe-inspi

who the [bleeped] do you think you are? [spoken with italian accent] why don't you beat it with a crying goat on liberty island, you son of a bimp. you son of a bitch. watch and learn. watch and learn for god's sake. watch and [bleeped] learn. [cheers and applause] you ogre. you fold it and you eat it. one hand. you have the other hand free, power aw2bopepper. maybe you give it to your friend. it's delicious, yeah, yeah. take care of that. all right. very nice. or maybe you just use your other hand to take an irresponsible amount of napkin dab it on. there and maybe a few minutes later you just throw them the [bleeped] out. you just throw them out. or you leave them on the table and say, you want a tip here's your [bleeped] tip. what do i look like, a [bleeped] bus boy? no disrespect. actually, i was a bus boy. my point is this: [laughter] [cheers and applause] donald, i'm going to tell you a story. i'm going to tell you a story, donald trump, my grandparents immigrated to this country. my gann fare worked as a taxi driver

(cheering) >> jon: go (bleep) yourselves! go (bleep) yourselves! go (bleep) yourselves! mic was dropped. we'll be right back. >> i'm telling you, bernie! i'm telling you, bernie! i'm telling you bernie! i'm gonna crack like nobody's watching and eat like i skipped lunch. why? because red lobster's crabfest is back. and i'm diving into so much crab, so many ways. like crab lover's dream with luscious snow and king crab legs and rich crab alfredo or this snow crab bake. who knew crab goes with everything? whoever put crab on this salmon, that's who. with flavors like these, i'm almost too excited to eat! hey i said almost. and now that it's back get crackin' while you still can. what makes lays kitchen different from the rest? we pride ourselves on bold authentic flavors with the finest ingredients. our vegetables are farm grown, and prepared with the passion they deserve. tangy peppers unite with the sweetness of tomatoes and onions to create our exquisite mesquite barbecue flavor. the satisfying crunch and rich flavors of lays kettle cooked chips. one taste and you're in

oh [bleep] fork! oh!i think your mother is a whore, no disrespect g home and get your [bleep] bot. >> ba da-- [bleep] keep him here, keep him here, jimmy. >> oh, i amuse. how do i amuse you, what am i, a clown, you think? what am i, a clown, is that what you think? (cheers and applause) >> thank you, guys. i really, i have to say that i really, i couldn't have asked for a better set of cost cost for my final run, you guys were amazing. >> we're going to miss you, jon. >> it will leave a big hole here. >> well, that's-- we can we talk to somebody about the title that-- all right, we'll be right back. can we just get somebody and do eye different title. it's the-- busy day, huh? yup. our annual clearance event really brings 'em in. i can barely keep up by myself. 0% apr financing. tons of amazing inventory. only happens once a year. hmm, hologram number 17 seems to have gone rogue. i'm the real jan now! 0%! 0%! at our annual clearance event, get 0% apr financing on a 2015 rav 4, offer ends september 8th. fo

] y'all [ bleep ] y'all [ bleep ] no! [ bleep ] ain't no -- ain't no [ bleep ] >> you calm down [ bleep ] i'm keeping you like this. you can go back there now. >> ow, ow, ow, ow. >> [ bleep ] >> hold it. hold it. >> come on, [ bleep ] >> come on, [ bleep ] >> i can do this 24/7. >> hymes is back, right now, on a parole violation. he's been violated on parole numerous times. with him, i think it's entertainment. it's a game. he is a master at pushing people's buttons. he knows what reactions he wants to get and he's very, very good at doing it. >> with scanvinski hymes reaching the end of his sentence in just a few days, he will have to find ways to entertain himself in the outside world. >> for most inmates, release from prison is just a temporary freedom. two years after getting out, more than 50% of california's prisoners find themselves right back behind bars. every day officer whitehall greets new prisoners whose crimes range from simple parole violations to major felonies. >> what's your name? >> mcdaniels. >> all ri

(laughter) [ bleep ] [ bleep ] that's worse. >> that's worse.it one time and now you tell everyone. >> i feel like everybody is dry snitching. >> it's -- it's -- it's promoting the passive-aggressive work environment. but you quoted from mad men earlier. >> yeah. draper said that's what the money's for. >> that's right. i just feel -- larry: what do you think is better carrot or stick? what gives you better production? >> which one is prime eligible? (laughter). >> larry: i don't know those words. >> i think you lure them over with the carrot and when they get close, you hit them with a stick. (laughter) >> come here. larry: what about the people making the products that amazon sell? they surely have it worse, right? they're in a factory stitching up shoes. no one's complaining there. (laughter) >> fast delivery and good products -- >> larry: do you see any problem with the a company works as long as you get your blood diamonds. (laughter) blood diamonds come quick in a nice packaging, fine. (laughter) the thing is -- >> what the [ bleep ]? (lau

bleep ] car i'm going to kick your [ bleep ]. >> this is not what you're looking for. >> she's callingp but she really gets upset when it looks like the guy here is finally willing to pay the tow truck driver. that flipped her out. >> you [ bleep ]! >> wow. >> you see that guy, just slapping cash down on the back of the tow truck, believe it or not, the car was let off. we called the tow truck company and they say the car was legallyarked and they were t ty and the car was released after the ticket was paid. >> what the -- >>> dog goes crazy for cat. ♪ >> what's up, y'all? some of y'all might know this and some might not know this, i'm expecting my first kid, this beautiful young lady right here. so i wrote a letter to my daughter, and i want everybody to check it out. >> this right here is rapper alley cat and the woman standing next to him is expecting his baby, a little girl. her name is alexandria, and so he decided to write a song dedicated to her. it's a really sweet song. ♪ ♪ can't wait to meet you to see how beautiful you ♪ ♪ me and your mama don't know what to do ♪ ♪ but it we

so [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. the system they can [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. you know? can possibly do to make them work more, they took my yard. why not take my tv, which they did as property, and not get my visit. all because i was not kicking down the door to get their attention to come down. what the hell? they put you in that position and then when you -- you are trying to fix it, remedy it, they come and punish you more. the [ bleep ] level system. change it back. let the doors open and let us do our [ bleep ] time. this ain't helping me or society come out like this. >> back in level five, david scritchfield is also finding it hard to see the love of his life. >> they've refused to give us visits because she's an ex-staff member here. because of that, the only way that we're going to be allowed to have visitation is if, you know, we get married. so we're going to work it out and try to get married over the phone. i love the fact that i'm getting married to the woman i love, but i don't like the fact that my hand is being forced into that. it would be different, i

drop this [ bleep ] car! >> wow. she really is committed to this. >> it's not even her car. protest she believes they've already paid that they shouldn't be towed. don't give this guy any money. >> drop the [ bleep ] car. >> the tow truck driver standing next to the phone to dispatch and also recording his own video. >> my friend [ bleep ] if you don't drop this [ bleep ] car i'm going to kick your [ bleep ]. >> this is not what you're looking for. >> she's calling for the news, she's calling for help but she really gets upset when it looks like the guy here is finally willing to pay the tow truck driver. that flipped her out. >> you [ bleep ]! >> wow. >> you see that guy, just slapping cash down on the back of the tow truck, believe it or not, the car was let off. we called the tow truck company and they say the car was legally parked and they were they a and the car was released after the ticket was paid. >> what the -- >>> dog goes crazy for cat. >> what's up, y'all? some of y'all might know this and some might no

. >> [ bleep ] kill them. >> yeah! >> a girl on the ground is attacked and kicked. >> i think this is one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen. >> it's in the next several minutes one girl after another emerges from the chaos seriously injured. >> [ bleep ]! >> get her. get her to a hospital! >> this girl needs 15 stitches after being slammed in the head with a bucket. >> it is all over. they're initiated. >> but it's far from over. one senior who earlier attacked one of the juniors decides to take one more crack at her. >> yeah! >> an all-out brawl ensues. and police are called to the scene. but by the time they arrive, the fight's over. in the end, five girls are taken to the hospital. this one with a broken ankle. >> the girls came there with weapons intending to do damage and with malice aforethought. there was a girl there with a baseball bat. i'm told there were paint pellet guns. >> as the details of the violent scene on the tape begin to emerge, the principal is appalled. >> i'm shocked at the extent tha

>> (bleep) (bleep) (bleep). (laughter) >> jon: it was upsetting. they weren't alone.ne dropped out of the race i felt despondent. i was depressed, i was losing all hope that my job would ever bring me joy again. and... (laughter). and then... >> we are just confirming that donald trump will moderate a republican debate on december 27 in des moines iowa. >> jon: (whispering) thank you, jesus. (cheers and applause) you know sometimes when god closes a door he opens a window! and sometimes standing outside that window a circus peanut wearing a badger. (laughter) here's how you know it's going to be great! regular republicans, the one we used to hate are down right scared. >> jon: it's going to be a giant go trip and anybody who thinks that donald trump is going to be the equivalent of bret baier or any of the other moderates is kidding themselves. >> sure it's time do something presidential and stand up and say "we're not going to be hijacked and participate." >> well, i'm not going to kiss his ring and i'm not going to kiss any other part of his anatomy. (audience react

and one more question, how the mother [bleep] case -- adduous, mother [bleep]! whooo! boom -- >> jon, jon! >> jon: what's that? what? >> jon, we have three more shows left. >> jon: [bleep] hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ with at&t, strong can turn a simple lunch break... ...into advanced economics. at&t's network has the nation's strongest 4g lte signal. >> jon: well company back, my guest tonight, very fond of her. the star of amy schumer on comedy central and her new movie is called train wreck. >> oh my god, he's calling. >> why would he call you, you just had sex. >> it's probably a mistake. >> he's butt dialing you. >> hello? >> hey, there. >> this is amy. i think you butt dialed me. >> no, no, i dialed you with my finger. >> shhh. >> he called mes on purpose. >> hang up, he is obviously sick or something. >> yeah, what's up. >> i was calling to say i had a really good time last night. i was wondering if you wanted to hang out again. >> will you say that again please? >> i was wondering if i could see you again. >> you

when i walked up here right now. [ bleep ]. everybody [ bleep ]. everybody [ bleep ].ou the first time i walk out this [ bleep ], every one of you [ bleep ] out. >> washington you're done. we're taking you back, buddy. put a lid on it already. >> i ain't got nothing in my blood. tracy never been no coward. never in my life. i don't shot so many [ bleep ] it's pitiful. you can ask my momma. i was the craziest [ bleep ] on my block as a little kid. you know what i'm saying? you don't come up with coward. >> following his outburst washington is returned to the hole. >> hey. is it longer than an hour? is it longer than an hour? >> when our producer checked in on washington a few days later, she found him working out in his cell. >> since i last saw you, you were refusing sny. so tell me what's going on? >> they got me this the hole. they charged me with a 115. probably transfer me off to another pen. i'm reputable. i have been walking these lines for 20 years. i'm not no coward. >>> coming up on "lockup raw: the daily grind" -- >> the last time i was here me and the boyfri

you suck my [ bleep ], you coward mother [ bleep ]! >> he'll be out there till we get everybody else in. he calms down, we'll bring him back. if he gets in compliance, we'll bring him back. if we have to, we'll do whatever it takes. >> [ bleep ], [ bleep ] my ventilation, and they allowing it! >> somebody told me you were going to do an audition for "american idol." y'all got that together? >> we're going to get it together. >> when i came in five years ago, one of the things was to try and change the culture of this facility from a no-care type of an attitude to let people know that we did care. you are locked up but then you should consider this as home, because the majority of you, that's what it is. >> let me step back in the barber shop. get your shirt on. like you're supposed to. >> i don't like sloppiness. i just think you can do better. if you can't do any better, it's one thing. but if you can do better, you need to take care of yourself. get your clothes together, guys. get your clothes together. get your clothes together. >>

i shouldn't have done that. >> that's tough [ bleep ]. you want to know the kind of [ bleep ] i am.. try me. >>ly touch whatever i want. [ bleep ]. >> it was sad to find a man that talented who could not control himself. >> i tried to appeal to the logic. at the end of the day, mort, i have other things in my life. i have other ways to make money. i do make money in other ways. this is your life. ♪ he just needed the money. >> he would do these weekend gigs where he made more money doing that than he did doing the show. >> go to college after college. felt like rock stars. we had our small plane. we would travel everywhere. mort said, i did this at 21. before i knew him when he was a younger man. now i couldn't believe all of these people thought he was the plu collar king. >> missouri is called the show me state, right? what really burns your butt, baby? >> it is people putting the american flag on the ground and stepping all over it. >> how about you, ma'am? >> i'm so irritated that we let foreigners come in and buy up our farmland in western kansas. >> he could get people screami

. >> oh [ bleep ], [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> sarah tells us what went wrong and why her hair wasn't the only thing hurt. >> so, i don't know if, you know, see very well -- >> oh. >> oh. >> a new york bingo player gets in the face of a cop. >> come here. >> baby deer is confused. >> and separated from its mom. >> deer in the back seat. >> how a good samaritan pulled a fawn home to get her back home. >> and argument suddenly gets bad. >> the moment that this makes this one of the best videos of the summer. >> what the -- >> i was not expecting that. >> sasha has a series of really cool youtube videos. she shows people how to do different things in this particular video, she is demonstrating a wet to dry flat iron. it's a product that you can actually straight iron your hair with, while it's still soping wet. >> time-saving too. >> so it crackles a little bit because it's evaporating the water in your hair. >> drop an egg into a frying pan. >> she continues going, she glides the iron right down her hair, and then this happens. >> [ bleep ], [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> yeah, she manages to put

oh (bleep)! that is so (bleep)ing crazy. he jumped trust you! am, i mean the machine gun bacon did look crazy. >> besides that, besides that, okay, all right. it is the second most surprising. oh what other candidate is up in the cray-cray. >> you said i like to pump them in the face. at the fascial level who deserves a punch in the face. >> oh, the national teachers union. >> i have used birth control and not just the rhythm method, okay? so, you know, my church, my church has a teaching against birth control does that make me an awful catholic? >> larry: no. it does not make you an awful catholic. it makes you an awful toastmaster. those people are eating. and it is not just me who feels this way about chris christie, his own supporters have hardened against him. >> that is what he said. thank you, jeb, thank you. >> so they turned against him not for imagining him having sex but for actually seeing him display affection. >> i can't get the picture out of my mind after super storm sandy when obama landed in new jersey and he just cuddled up ri

to [ bleep ] my husband. >> the guys never thought about [ bleep ], never talked to [ bleep ], never looked at [ bleep ], never been involved in the [ bleep ] game. >> we start with registered voters then we qualify them as likely [ bleep ]. >> senator marco rubio [ bleep ], [ bleep ] with a football. >> would it be so bad if i shoved all these [ bleep ] in my mouth? >> to all the fellows who served so far i want to [ bleep ] you. >> feels like on the record out there. i [ bleep ] a guy named orlando. >> i never tasted [ bleep ] until i was an adult and it wasn't that good. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight on the show, we have music from the struts, lily tomlin is here. be right back with topher grace so stick around! [ cheers and applause ] mother nature can turn in an instant; don't turn back. introducing the new 2016 ford explorer. be unstoppable. this is my fight song... this is an iphone. and this is apple pay. which let's you shop in a faster, simpler way. for groceries, and kicks, toys, and your lunchtime fix. it's safer than a credit card and keeps your info yours. a

], [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> sarah tells us what went wrong and why her hair wasn't the only thing hurt i don't know if, you know, see very well -- >> oh. >> oh. >> a new york bingo player gets in the face

>> we have to make america great again. [ bleep ] you. [ bleep ] you. [ bleep ] you. >> can i put three [ bleep ] in my mouth at once? show off? >> what is it, random texts with a picture of a [ bleep ] -- >> my [ bleep ]. >> good. >> probably not easy getting your [ bleep ] kicked by a guy who had [ bleep ] a few months ago. >> i've been waiting all day, have you guys [ bleep ] anyone before? >> all the time. >> i got a little bit of [ bleep ] still in me. >> fill in the blank, a guy knows he's had too much to drink when he tries to [ bleep ] his what? >> his sister. >> stand right there and i'll finish your blow [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: on the show tonight, meghan trainor is with us and we'll be right back with colin farrell! [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by friends of the people. for more, go to true tv.com. whoa. excuse me, pre-teens. where did you get these outfits? old navy. old navy? yeah. these jeans were 8 bucks. that's extraordinary, isn't it darling? definitely mom. they even have $19 jeans for old peo

and one more question how the mother [bleep] case -- adduous mother [bleep]! whooo! boom, boom -- >> jon jon! >> jon: what's that? what? >> jon we have three more shows left. >> jon: [bleep] hot, hot hot, hot hot. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) [music] do you like cougars? terry will you shut up! you are adorable. thank you. ladies your belts all snugged up? why do we have to buckle up? the pick up stinks with diesel. [ding] you've got to be kidding! oh please! ah! this is the end! oh my god! [brakes screech] we need resuscitation. mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. hurry up! [laughing] i'll have that new turkey & bacon guacamole on italian bread. sure thing. oven roasted turkey, oh-so-crispy bacon... blended perfectly with guacamole made from hass avocados, just a hint of jalapeno. it truly is heaven on italian bread. so, you've had it before? yeah...a couple times. i'll have what he's having. fall in love with the big time flavor of the new subway turkey & bacon guacamole. all your favorites in one amazing sandwich. subway. eat fresh. running my own shop has

can you believe that (bleep)? the memorial i'm sure they are building to this war is open right now. (bleep). >> jon: wow. so the government is open. but -- but -- but assad is still a murderous dictator. >> true. but you want to know what he said to me today, jon? >> jon: wait, what he said to you? >> yeah, the president of syria said to me today while we were eating he said what is up with that ted cruz guy? seems like a bit of a whack job. >> jon: reety assad said that to you? totally. >> jon: did you did you say to assad? >> what (bleep) am i supposed to say you just nod and finish your sushi. ( groan ) i'm starving. we've been compromised! don't let hunger kill your game. hot pockets brings you new snack bites. bite-size hot pockets sandwiches with 100% real cheese. guy's i'm back! new snack bites from... ♪hot pockets♪ i really want a cupcake, but not the calories. lil sweet sliding down the bannister. ouuuh lil sweet brought you some sweeeet diet dr peppers. oh yeaahhh. that is sweet. diet dr pepper. it's th

i'm just (bleep) with ya!ere's what he did. >> why did savannah start out by saying i said he wasn't a war hero. he was a war hero. savannah started it off by saying i didn' i said he wasn'tr hero. i didn't say that. >> jon: i swore you could have. >> he is not a war hero! >> jon: yeah, let's watch it upside down. >> he is not a war hero. >> jon: no, still -- better there, but still sounds like he said he's not a war hero. let me see a little "sesame street" vibe -- >> he's not a war hero. >> jon: that appears to be brought to you by the letter "you said it"! >> he is a war hero. i said that. they don't want to play it. if you would have let it run another three seconds, you would have seen i said very clearly, he is a war hero. >> he's a war hero because he was captured. >> jon: so you said he's not a war hero. the guy next to you goes, he's a war hero. and you go, well, he's a war hero because he got captured. so, really, does calling someone a war hero count if you're doing it sarcastically? he's not a war

and one more question, how the mother [bleep] case -- adduous, mother [bleep]! whooo!boom, boom -- >> jon, jon! >> jon: what's that? what? >> jon, we have three more shows left. >> jon: [bleep] hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ real fruit in silky smooth dove dark chocolate. dove fruit. choose a pleasure less ordinary. or your money back. with this guarantee, we're literally putting our money where our mouth is. no, we're not literally that would i literally wouldn't do that, that's like- ♪ that's like- break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. ice breakers. ♪ is caring.ng because covering heals faster. to seal out water, dirt and germs, cover with a water block clear bandage from band-aid brand. this is♪an iphone. and it comes with something amazing: ♪ an app store with over one and a half million of the best apps available. ♪ that's over one and a half million, hand-picked, awe-inspiring, just-plain-surprising, who-knew-a-phone-could-do-that, apps. ♪ if it's not an iphone, it's not an iphone. ♪ on

he said it's going to grab you by the [ bleep ]. >> [ bleep ] right there. >> i love mr. obama. more chance to just [ bleep ] him. >> if you're still making plans for your sunday [ bleep ] today, today is the wet and wild family [ bleep ] fest. >> the undertaker bo dallas! >> congressman garamendi, thanks for joining us. >> [ bleep ] you. >> this is our chance to have more friends than ever. >> we've had enough, you're being kind of a -- a dick [ bleep ]. >> no need to roll out "the d" word. >> jimmy: music from lamb of god, alycia debnam-carey from "fear of the walking dead." be right back with pierce brosnan! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by angry birds two. get your flock out now! (glasses clinking) ♪ (ground shaking) well there goes the country club. the 2015 dodge durango. now with available beats audio. webuyanycar.com takes theg hassle out of sellingsuv? in just 3 easy steps. one, get your free online valuation. two, drive to your local car buying center. and three, walk out with your check in as little as 30 minute

play applause you(applause) you are driving us (bleep) crazy.ary and get a (bleep) job, dad. we can't take it anymore. >> jon: i needed flexible. that's all it was. >> i admire what you're doing. you're going out, like, ten emmys right? (cheers and applause) >> jon: here's the thing i know i'll never get again, and you work in organizations, i'll never find a group or a collaboration or writers and producers and all those people like this ever again and i know that and have to make peace with that. (applause) the whole thing is, when you do something you know you will never be as good as something as you were at this, you have to make peace with it. >> and thinking about all the people that work here and wondering whether or not they would still have jobs is a big thing for you. >> jon: yes. and they do. i'm still asking, can i still come on the show when trevor is the host? >> jon: i'll be honest and i say this -- i don't think he's crazy about irish people. (laughter) and if he is you wouldn't be the one i would start him with. (laughter) (che

>> no, it says [ bleep ]. >> is that what it says? >> they exchange some very interesting choice words. >> i'm going to report you to the police. >> good, then do that. do it now. you're a [ bleep ] idiot. >> you're on camera. >> technically according to highway code he was in the wrong as far as the driving goes, now he's assaulting this guy and damaging property. he's crossing all the lines. >> the driver gets back in his car. this guy catches up again. >> put your seat belt on. >> put your [ bleep ] mouth shut. do you do this for a hobby, [ bleep ] annoy people? >> i'm taking your camera. >> right. >> yes, he trips all over himself, poor guy. >> i don't feel sorry for him, i have to be honest the way he was talking and acting. >> you see why he could have used running shoes. >> the irony is the bicyclist would have been breaking the law if he was up on the sidewalk. >> this is a great fall, upside down and backward. it's not the tallest, longest or fastest zip line in the world, but boy, oh, boy, in this juken video you'll see why