snatch box [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ] putang [ applause ] corn holee berry. [ applause ] with formulas infused with hand-pressed moroccan argan and camellia oils, garnier whole blends illuminating haircare indulges hair with moisture. for luminous shine. garnier whole blends argan & camellia oils. find everylend at walmart. from the moment you met you wantecomfort and protection that's why pampers swaddlers is the #1 choice of hospitals to wrap your baby in blanket-like softness so all they feel is love pampers swaddlers i kept looking for ways to manage my symptoms. i thought i was doing okay. then it hit me... managing was all i was doing. when i told my doctor, i learned humira is for people who still have symptoms of moderate to severe crohn's disease even after trying other medications. in clinical studies, the majority of people on humira saw significant symptom relief many achieved remission. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happe

] [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ] and tits.w words since then. we've added fart, turd and twat. and i know there are other words many are wondering why they haven't been considered or shown up on the list. we're looking at them very closely. some of your favorites might make the list later this year. [ bleep ], snatch, box, [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ] joint, doniker, dork, poontang, cornhole and dingleberry. the first survivor of alzheimer's disease is out there. and the alzheimer's association is going to make it happen. but we won't get there without you. vit alz.org to join the fight. need a hair smoother? get super fruit moroccan argan oil with sleek & shine leave-in cream long lasting frizz control for up to 3 days of sleek hair fructis sleek & shine the #1 treatment in america super fruit. super hair. garnier. >>> until redd foxx came along in 1956, nobody had recorded their stand-up act and released it as an album. redd foxx is distinguished because he invented the genre of stand-up comedy records. >> everybody in my t

[ bleep ] i'm not [ bleep ]. this poor half [ bleep ] job. >> next -- >> you know the guy that flashes little kids at pools, that's a piece of [ bleep ] >> timothy schreiber is on the move and still pressing buttons. >> this one offender, he is the ultimate test down while you can maintain your professionalism. >> you're not going to manipulate the system here at limon. and i am a senior public safety my namspecialist for pg&e. my job is to help educate our first responders on how to deal with natural gas and electric emergencies. everyday when we go to work we want everyone to work safely and come home safely. i live right here in auburn, i luteabso love this community. once i moved here i didn't want to live anywhere else. i love that people in this community are willing to come together to make a difference for other people's lives. together, we're building a better california. >>> due to mature subject matter, viewer discretion is advised. >> that's crazy? what's that noise? >> i hear it, too. >> when "lockup

[ bleep ] i'm not [ bleep ].or half [ bleep ] job. >> next -- >> you know the guy that flashes little kids at pools, that's a piece of [ bleep ] >> timothy schreiber is on the move and still pressing buttons. >> this one offender, he is the ultimate test down while you can maintain your professionalism. >> you're not going to manipulate the system here at limon. ♪ hey, is this our turn? honey...our turn? yeah, we go left right here. (woman vo) great adventures are still out there. we'll find them in our subaru outback. (avo) love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. get 0% apr financing for 63 months on all new 2017 subaru outback models. now through august 31. whyou're not thinking clearly, so they called the fire department for us. i could hear crackling in the walls. my mind went totally blank. all i remember saying was, "my boyfriend's beating me" and she took it from there. and all of this occurred in four minutes or less. i am grateful we all made it out safely. people you don't know care about you. it's ki

i would [ bleep ] somebody up. the first dude that got off the boat, [ bleep ] you [ bleep ]. that [ bleep ] away from me. >> richard pryor was very self-deprecating at times. he was very vulnerable and talked about his own lacks. eddie murphy was never, ever deputy rectory. he brought a more macho presence, a more macho persona onstage. it was something that african-americans longed for at that time. >> nobody brought it in the way eddie brought it in. it was like, look, these are my idols too, and they're phenomenal. but watch what i'm doing with what they did. allergy sufferers if you have symptoms like these try new xyzal®. for relief is as effective at hour 24 as hour one. so be wise all take new xyzal®. >>> certain rooms will let you have a little bit more of a pass. a white room is a lot times more quirky. the jokes have to have a wittiness to them. i feel like a lot of times in a black room, you've got to go for it. you've got to go hard. you've got to make sure you are not backing down. you've got to be right there in their face or they will eat you up. but whether yo

bunch of [ bleep ]. [ bleep ] [ bleep ] straight [ bleep ].e you, bitch. [ bleep ] with the wrong president, idiots. secret service, take him out afterwards. what's up? what's going on with you? >> nothing. it's your guys' crooked-assed system, so -- >> okay. i'm just concerned about the way you're behaving since you've been here. >> what was i doing wrong? >> there was an issue, from my understanding, you snatched the phone cord from the wall -- >> no, i'm not going to talk like that -- >> we're not going to talk like that. >> i'm going to talk -- >> no. >> you're not going to talk. >> let me tell you what's going to happen. >> from this point forward, your actions is going to dictate our reaction. because you've been -- >> what are you going to do? i'm in a chair. you're not going to take care of [ bleep ]. i'm going to kill myself. i need to go down to mental health. that's what i was trying to do. >> that's what you were trying to do? why don't you just say that? >> what's that? >> why don't you just say that? >> because i'm playing you li

>> yeah, they're [bleep] so scared, they won't say a [bleep] word. >> bull[bleep]. >> everybody [bleepod to everybody who works for me. >> whatever. this is why i'm gonna pick my [bleep] up and go home. i don't have to listen to this [bleep]. >> good, 'cause you're a [bleep] scammer and a liar, [bleep]. gut liquidate this company and go start your own place? >> no, the bottom line is, is that i'm not liquidating anything. >> but i invested $1/2 million in this company. >> i shouldn't have to be dealing with somebody like him. >> nancy, tom--guys, shut up! for a minute, shut up! cool your jets for a minute. >> this is fine? >> why would you bring your employees in here to witness this? >> because i want them to understand what's been goin' on as well. >> how does all this stuff you just talked about do anything to help you sell more trailers? >> it doesn't. but what i'm saying is that it shows that he is underhanded. and how can i make this company grow, grow, grow when i'm dealing--i mean-- >> you have bigger issues than that. >> no, i have no issues. >> no, nancy, you do. when i came

] y'all [ bleep ] y'all [ bleep ] no! [ bleep ] ain't no -- ain't no [ bleep ] >> you calm down [ bleep ] i'm keeping you like this. you can go back there now. >> ow, ow, ow, ow. >> [ bleep ] >> hold it. hold it. >> come on, [ bleep ] >> come on, [ bleep ] >> i can do this 24/7. >> hymes is back, right now, on a parole violation. he's been violated on parole numerous times. with him, i think it's entertainment. it's a game. he is a master at pushing people's buttons. he knows what reactions he wants to get and he's very, very good at doing it. >> with scanvinski hymes reaching the end of his sentence in just a few days, he will have to find ways to entertain himself in the outside world. >> for most inmates, release from prison is just a temporary freedom. two years after getting out, more than 50% of california's prisoners find themselves right back behind bars. every day officer whitehall greets new priso whose crimes range from simple parole violations to major felonies. >> what's your name? >> mcdaniels. >> all right.

so what the [bleep] wrong with you? bull[bleep]. when the girls say that [bleep] nobody say that to me or j.p.! right there, that's when y'all started [bleep]. ain't no mother[bleep] say that, and that's for the [bleep] camera! how y'all like that?! that's what you wanted? that's what the [bleep] they got! >> knowing a shouting match can turn physical, officers quickly separate the inmates. >> ladies -- >> what's the matter? >> -- it's quiet time for a minute, okay, please? all right? just keep to yourselves. leave everybody else alone. all right? >> there you have it. that's why i don't like this dorm. >> every day, you come in to a situation like that where, you know, we have to intervene. it's not just with the females. i mean, it's anywhere in the jail. and that happens every day on every shift in the facility, multiple times most days. >> at louisville metro, male inmates outnumber females by about nine to one. most live in dormitories designed to hold either 16 or 24 men. but they too are almost always beyond capacity. >> this

your unit. [ bleep ] you. i ran professionally. [ bleep ] [ bleep ] you.always thought that you're not going to go home anyway, so why tolerate this [ bleep ]? what you need to do, man, is just start raging, just start punishing people, you know, it doesn't matter why, just punish them. but that's not the answer. one thing about being incarcerated is it all comes down to a loss. you know, a loss of freedom. loss of people. loss of family, friends. it's one great big loss. but you begin to realize that i don't want to give the system my mentality. i don't want to give the system my sanity. i don't want to give them my integrity. i don't want to give them my loyalty. they're fighting for it. every day, it's a fight in here. every day, you're fighting for something. what i decided to do, i sought mental health. mental health didn't come to me. i went to them. i told them that i would like some help. >> he's been in the idu, our segregation unit, disciplinary segregation unit, i think for 5 1/2 months now. and he's been conduct clear throughout that time. so t

he's a [bleep].a--i'll give you $8.50 or $9 worth of work and not a [bleep] penny more and not any more effort. okay? that's neil. >> when he got bit by the dog and was bleeding, were you concerned about him or the dog? >> ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! okay-- >> andrew, i gotta tell you-- your laugh scares the [bleep] out of me. >> because it's a farce. what neil did was reach down and push the dog back, at which point, the dog bit him. >> it sounds like he was just trying to stop the dog from running in the street. >> i was horrified. why--why would you do that? >> as andrew's ranting and raving, neil walks in. instead of andrew using some sort of decorum or discretion or shutting his mouth, he continues. he actually gets even more amped up. >> and then he comes up to my office yelling and screaming at me that i should have shown more compassion. >> but i think when that happens, i think what people are looking for is some level of sympathy. >> that's not--again, my staff has to function a right way. >>

it's very graphic but here is the video. [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ].

e-mail me the [bleep] schedule! just do it! that's a waste of [bleep]!nger and yelling and screaming don't make anybody want to come to work early and stay late. and the goal is to get people to want to be attached to the business, not to run as fast as you can away from it. that brings us to the second rule, make your employees number one. i've been publicly criticized about this philosophy. you read all these books that say, "the customer's always right and make customers number one." and at the end of the day, for me, the customer isn't number one. the employee's number one. my theory is is that if you treat the employee right, that ultimately that employee's going to be the one to interact with the customer and their experience will be better. i think the second thing is employees like to know you have their back. that guy erik you just saw, the one i thought was going to crush me, put me through the wall, he was even worse to his employees. what are you doing?! come on! and he bulldozed anyone who tried to question him. i don't really feel today tha

>> the money order went to a person called [ bleep ] -- [ bleep ], and it's in [ bleep ] indiana. >>kay. soon as i get that information, i'll be able to run that name and see who she visited. all right? soon as i get that information i'll be able to get this done. i've been waiting for it. that's the only thing holding me up. this information that i need. okay? >> late. compton decides to take matters into his own hands and calls his mother to encourage her to not delay sending the documents. >> yeah, do you understand the importance of that, though? i get threats every day. i got threatened twice today. just today. how am i supposed to know what they're going to do? they're capable of doing anything. make sure you mail those receipts out. you told me you were doing that like last week, didn't you? >> out in the open, compton draws the attention of other inmates who believe his decision to leave the aryan brotherhood means he's a snitch. >> all right. love you. see you soon. bye. >> snitches -- snitches get killed. [ bleep ]. >>> coming up -- >> i told them that you was ready and rea

every mother [ bleep ] one of you, loser. loser!e worst word you can hear when you're trying to make a comedy is likeable. from the suits. it's not believable if everybody is likeable. we're not. >> what happened to old idea of doing something for your fellow man? of service. i mean today people just -- >> mr. fawlty. >> i'm coming! wait a moment. >> there's no comedy in likeable. i always go to louie depalma played by danny devito. >> sunshine cab. crazy lady, give me a break here. it's ma. >> this was a troll. mean. said the worst things. was he likeable? no. loveable? yes. why? he's really funny. >> this guy does the best addy g. impersonation. do it. go on. >> i don't. >> oh, sorry, it's not you. it's the other one. >> the other what? paki? >> that's racist. >> i think the thing that made "the office" successful with ricky gervais was the realism more relationship oriented and commented on the mundaneness of situations we find ourselves in. >> if i have to work with him another day i will slit my throat. >> not like that though.

. >> whether [ bleep ], a fat [ bleep ], even if you don't have it, you go to the park and [ bleep ]our friend. >> the police department was able to answer that question over the weekend. >> how many [ bleep ] have you had so far? >> 50. >> really? >> that's rude to ask a lady how many [ bleep ] she's had. >> that round of rousing applause. would you mind [ bleep ] my wife for 32 years. >> sarah. >> [ bleep ] on the [ bleep ]. >> you cannot [ bleep ] while holding your nose. >> no, but i did pop my [ bleep ]. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: we are going to take a break. and when we come back, you will be witness to maybe the smartest 8-year-old in the world. he's here to teach us everything we need to know about the eclipse. stick around. we'll be right back. ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ hey, is this our turn? honey...our turn? yeah, we go left right here. (woman vo) great adventures are still out there. we'll find them in our subaru outback. (avo) love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. get 0% apr financing for 63 months on all new 2017 outbacks. ends august 31. advil liqui-gels mi

>> we've been able to start [ bleep ], [ bleep ].in the [ bleep ]. >> immigrants are contributing to our country every single day. they're [ bleep ] our food. >> as always your favorite time of day, i'll come back up and [ bleep ]. >> i heard the word [ bleep ]. is that true? >> you are correct, dan. >>> when he was arrested, his car was set on fire where we're hearing word he may have set his own [ bleep ] on fire. >> the president has reptedly [ bleep ] me. wave good relationship but [ bleep ] him just about every day. several times a week, he calls me late at night, on the weekends. >> jimmy: tonight on the show, mike colter, comedian casey james salengo is with us. we'll be right back with robert pattinson. [ rseech >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by lay's. buy and try the 2017 "do us a flavor" finalists and vote for your favorite at lays.com. dad kinda walked into my swing. huh? don't you mean dad kind of ruined our hawaii fund? i thud go to the thothpital. there goes the airfair. i don't think healt

[bleep] it! do it live! i can--i'll write it and we'll do it live! [bleep] thing sucks!laughter] - wow. wow. all of that just because bill o'reilly had never heard the expression "play us out"? that is the angriest i've ever seen someone get from not knowing a phrase. some of us watch that clip, and we see madness. but in the mid-90s, a man by the name of roger ailes watched it... and he saw greatness. and he reached out and said, [as ailes] "come join me at fox, o'reilly, "and together we will build a cable empire "fueled by white christian resentment. "and then, as our master stroke, "we will both be forced to leave "because we couldn't keep our penises "in our white christian pants. allegedly." bill o'reilly talked about a lot of issues over 20 years. but it's important tonight to remember that he had a special place in his heart for black people-- prison. - with african-american youth-- - but how are you gonna get jobs for them, and many of them are ill-educated and have tattoos on their foreheads. - there's an outreach-- i don't even know what that means-- by the ob

so [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. the system they can [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. you know?possibly do to make them work more, they took my yard. why not take my tv, which they did as property, and not get my visit. all because i was not kicking down the door to get their attention to come down. what the hell? you know what i mean? they put you in that position and then when you -- you are trying to fix it, remedy it, they come and punish you more. the [ bleep ] level system. change it back. let the doors open and let us do our [ bleep ] time. this ain't helping me or society come out like this. >> back in level five, david scritchfield is also finding it hard to see the love of his life. >> they've refused to give us visits because she's an ex-staff member here. because of that, the only way that we're going to be allowed to have visitation is if, you know, we get married. so we're going to work it out and try to get married over the phone. i love the fact that i'm getting married to the woman i love, but i don't like the fact that my hand is being forced into that. it woul

[ bleep ]. >> [ bleep ], [ bleep ], mother [ bleep ], [ bleep ], i had [ bleep ], i think. >> tits [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ] mother [ bleep ] oh, my god ♪ ♪ >>> my first announcement is one i think you've all been waiting for. >> politicians have been lying and bull [ bleep ] and flip-flopping since the beginning of time. >> only i need to understand. >> i'm mostly pissed off that not enough people are pissed off. >> politicians are very visible. they tend to be liars, which is great so you can really go after them. i [ bleep ] hate those [ bleep ]. >> it's making my angry and i feel like screaming, but i'm unsure how far my neck veins can safely bulge out of my neck. >> political humor since it's become such a farce, it's hard to outdo it. >> yes, this is real life. ♪ ♪ >>> i cannot believe the men and women that we have chosen to be our leaders. you watch the in-house footage of these congressional hearings and i think, what sort of empty-headed pez dispenser seance am i watching here? >> politics is one of the most egregiously hypocritical areas of society, thus, great fodder

how the [ bleep ] do you think? laughter ] a magic owl flew in my [ bleep ] window while i was taking a dump. they [ bleep ] fired me. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: why were you fired, then? >> you want to know why i was fired? the president doesn't want anybody working for him who has a bigger [ bleep ] than his. [ laughter ] you hear that sarah [ blee [ bleep ]abee sanders? watch your back. >> jimmy: oh, come on now. how did you feel when you were let go after -- >> how did i feel? how did i feel? what the [ bleep ] kind of question is that how did i feel? huh? i feel like the president grabbed me by the [ bleep ]. that's how i feel. [ laughter ] now, if you'll excuse me, i have to go get a [ bleep ] job and hire a lawyer to sue the [ bleep ] out of my [ bleep ] wife. >> jimmy: well, thank you so much for taking the time to -- >> yeah, [ bleep ] you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is anthony scaramucci. the mooch. how did we lose the mooch already? [ cheers and applause ] you know, i'll say it. the minute you open your hear

i'm done with this [ bleep ]. [ bleep ] off me. white people, man. >>> coming up -- >> i'm strong. >> show him your muscles. >> brandon townes gets a visit and a deputy goes on a pursuit. >> he's calling this big foot hot line. >> see where they're at, stay away from the areas. that's where there's too many areas. want to go where the people are not. n... when you're clocking out. sensing your every move and automatically adjusting to help you stay effortlessly comfortable. there. i can also help with this. does your bed do that? oh. i don't actually talk. though i'm smart enough to. m the new sleep number 360 smart bed. let's meet at a sleep number store.  so it only made sense to create a network that keeps up. introducing xfinity mobile. it combines america's largest, most reliable 4g lte with the most wifi hotspots nationwide. saving you money wherever you check your phone. yeah, even there. see how much you can save when you choose by the gig or unlimited. call, or go to xfinitymobile.com. xfinity mobile. it's a new kind of n

of course i'm [ bleep ] here. where the [ bleep ] shld >> jimmy: i don't know. was just saying hello. i was just -- >> yeah, well, let's not just sit here [ bleep ] each other off. ask your question [ bleep ] face. >> jimmy: all right. well, tell me how you were fired, i guess is -- >> how was i fired? how the [ bleep ] do you think? [ laughter ] a magic owl flew in my [ bleep ] window while i was taking a dump. they [ bleep ] fired me. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: why were you fired, then? >> you want to know why i was fired? the president doesn't want anybody working for him who has a bigger [ bleep ] than his. [ laughter ] you hear that sarah [ blee [ bleep ]abee sanders? watch your back. >> jimmy: oh, come on now. how did you feel when you were let go after -- >> how did i feel? how did i feel? what the [ bleep ] kind of question is that how did i feel? huh? i feel like the president grabbed me by the [ bleep ]. that's how i feel. [ laughter ] now, if you'll excuse me, i have to go get a [ bleep ] job and hire a lawyer to sue the [ bleep ] out of my [ bleep ] wife

bleep ]. >> we thought she was calm enough after talking to her to put her in first arrest dorm. obviously, sometimes that don't happen. a lot of times, they'll act out on purpose to get to a single cell because they don't want to be with other people. in this case, i think that's her deal. >> we'll try it again later. >>> coming up -- >> [ bleep ] all these bitches in this [ bleep ], got a problem with me i'll go to the hole every [ bleep ]. >> mary lohden decreases her chances of getting home. >> you get on the side, whore! >> and -- >> believe me, our house smelled like a decomposing body with a bunch of fragrance because you can't cover that smell up. >> an inmate admits to the grisly murder that hit close to home for one officer. >> first thing i wanted to do was take justice into my own hands. but i decided against th. who knew that phones would start doing everything? entertaining us, getting us back on track and finding us dates. phones really have changed. so why hasn't the way we pay

because he's got some krcrazy [ bleep ] ideas. listening to scott is like watching a symphonic make drums. the guy is so smart. what he's able to do is provide mike insight that he didn't have on his own sjc is a multimillion dollar company today. it's going to make $400,000, $500,000 in profit this year we just received a giant additional investment from a vendor that isn't because they made a better drum. it's because i think mike was able to take a step back and recognize that other people were better at certain things than he was. >> coming up, things get personal >> you want to start airing the dirt, nanc >> i don't give a [ bleep ]! >> when family and business make for an explosive mix ♪ this is a story about mail and packages. and it's also a story about people. people who rely on us every day to deliver their dreams they're handing us more than mail they're handing us their business and while we make more e-commerce deliveries to homes than anyone else in the country, we never forget... that your business is our business t

"let me leak the ( bleep ) thing and see if i can ( bleep )-block these people the way i ( bleep )-blockedcci for six months." oh please, mooch, i don't think anybody could block you from being a ( bleep ). ( cheering and applause ) and-- his words, not mine! >> we love you. >> stephen: and the mooch was feeling a little hurt about how people have been treating him at his new job. quote: "i've asked people not to leak things for a period of time and give me a honeymoon period. they won't do it." "hey everyone, i'm anthony scaramucci, i'm a front-stabber, i'm here to fire everyone, now be nice to me." okay, be a little bit nice to me, okay? i'm somebody's little boy!" ( applause ) and the mooch says he was doing this for all the right reasons. "i'm not trying to build my own brand off the ( bleep ) strength of the president. i'm here to serve the country." and added, "i'm not steve bannon, i'm not trying to suck my own ( bleep )." ( audience screams ) >> jon: wooo! ( applause ) >> stephen: look, if bannon could do that, he would never leave the white house. though i got to say, we never see

it's in my [ bleep ] mind. told me to shoot a mother [ bleep ] in the face. aah! >> he's 130 over 87, pulse 145. i need a medical clearance and i need an ekg. he's trippin'. i don't know, bath salts, something. this part of the world, we see a lot of pcp. who knows what he got ahold. >> he's in my [ bleep ] head again. >> officers cover jordan's face with a spit mask while medical staff prepares a sedative. >> he's right there. he's right there. >> you'll feel better soon. this medication is going to take effect, you'll be all right. take some deep breaths. go ahead and breathe. >> after receiving the sedative, jordan is suddenly calm. while medical staff is still unsure what caused his outburst, they cannot rule out one possibility. >> we don't know if it's real or, you know, make believe. we don't have a tox screen to tell us that he has ingested a substance. we're sending him to a medical department, he'll be evaluated by our practitioner there. >> we're down for an ekg because his pulse was really high when they took his vitals upstairs. >> stand by. >> go. >>

they're like, "( bleep ), you ( bleep ) the ( bleep ) dinner." ( cheers and applauseod! very solid. >> stephen: they were very good that day. >> you know well you did it correctly. perfect. >> stephen: that's fantastic. i'm going to try to work that out with cbs. >> maybe they'll go with it. >> stephen: they're telling me no. we've got to take a little break. we'll be right back with more samantha bee. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ all jeans are thirty percent off. no time to spare! introducing the new moto z with moto mods. hello moto. ♪ ♪ (3-2-1 liftoff) ♪ ♪ (gasps) (oh!) (cheering) buy the new moto z with shattershield, and you'll get a free projector mod. hello moto. so this quick ranch pasta a full house. primavera is the perfect dish. sprinkle in a packet of hidden valley ranch, add some veggies, and you've got a meal that's sure to please. it's time to ranch out with the original, hidden valley ranch. itthe power of nexium 24hr protection from frequent heartburn. all day, and all night.