(laughter) now through the 1968 papal encyclical cal humanae vitae the church teaches us that the transmission of life is a serious role in which married people collaborate freely and responsibly with god. you see, to catholics sex isn't two drunk strangers getting their freak on at closing time. it's the mystical union of two people inspired to create new physical life while god adds a soul in a divine and ef-able, beautiful three way. so when you use contraceptions, you are not only sinning, you are cock-blocking the almighty. (cheers and applause) i got god's back on this one. but catholic bishops are especially angry because paying for con contraceptives contradicts a belief that those bishops hold dear: that catholics don't use birth control. which isn't easy because 98% of catholic women use birth control. (laughter) the other 2% are nuns. (laughter) now, i know you may be wondering if i, stephen colbert, practice birth control. yes, i do. i practice natural church-approved birth control. it's like holding in a sneeze. (audience reacts) ah ah, ah, oh. (cheers and applause) i'll keep prac