next on the magic list here is...carrie heffernan. oh. no... come on up, carrie. [guests tapping glasses] come on. ok. hi. uh...what can i say about todd? i'm just remembering now, todd and i ran into each other a few years ago at a party, and i was there on my second date with this guy named doug-- who's now my husband-- [applause] thank you. anyway, um, i introduced todd as my really good friend, which was mostly true except for one thing that i left out, which was that todd and i had actually been... sexually intimate. doug! doug, would you listen to me? maybe i should've told you the truth that night, but i didn't because i really liked you, and i wanted things to work out between us. if i would've said, "hey, p.s., you see that guy over there? i did him..." would you have asked me out again? i don't know. maybe. yeah, maybe. and maybe not. and then we wouldn't have gone to coney island, and you wouldn't have kissed me on the bumper cars, and i would've missed out on the best thing that's ever happened to me. you're referring to me? yes, i'm referring to you.

carrie, she's a pistol!" now it's going to be, "oh, right, mrs. heffernan. she's a handsome woman." who do you know who uses the term "pistol"? you know what i mean. come on. mmm. doug, did you already make plans for us to go out that night? tch! your birthday? what, i'm not going to make plans? why do you ask? i just don't know how much i feel like celebrating. i mean, i'd almost rather... you know, just stay home, read a book, take a bath. really? am i--am i being stupid? just tell me i'm being stupid about this whole getting-older business, and we will go out friday night. doug? yeah, yeah, of course you are. i mean, this is crazy talk, you know? 30 is nothing. although it is halfway to 60. oh, my god, it is! i know exactly how you feel. i mean, remember my 30th birthday? i was so depressed, all i wanted to do was stay home and be alone with my thoughts. didn't we go to that bar where you got drunk, and you jumped against a velcro wall? outside was happy. inside... sorrow. i think you should just stay home. you know, bathe, read, listen to a little of that lilith fair stuff. than